Roxas couldn't believe what he had done, out of all of the people in the world, he turned to Saix. But, the more the blond thought about it the more he chastised himself. He always turned to the people who did nothing but hurt him, half of his mind wanted to call him an idiot, but the other half of his mind was begging him not to be so judgmental. Everyone has a bad side, but in the end Saix helped Axel to find him, he helped saved him. Was he just supposed to ignore any good the man did because of all the bad things he'd also done?
Blue eyes rolled as he shook his head, he was defending the man just by asking himself if the man could rationally be defended.
This was his problem.
This was what had caused so many problems throughout his life, because like Saix, Roxas always gave his father the benefit of the doubt. At the end of the day, no matter how many bad things someone did to him, all he would take note of was the good things. When it came to Vexen, the man had never done shit for him, so it was an easy argument.
But Saix had helped save Roxas, he worked with Axel, and he went above and beyond to send Axel a text even though he could've just gotten him high instead.
As Roxas watched the passing buildings, he decided to silence his mind by coming to a conclusion.
Saix wasn't a terrible person, he'd just done some terrible things. Roxas could accept that, and he warned himself to never turn to the man again. While he was capable of doing good, it didn't mean he was always going to do it. The teen thought back to that first night.
The night where Saix had broken into his room, knocked the small teen out, only for Roxas to awake handcuffed to the bed. He'd done his best to push the memory away, to never let it resurface, but if he never addressed it, then it was never going to go away. Roxas was nowhere close to getting over their first encounter, he was nowhere close to getting over anything. The most he could do was bury the memories away, and slowly dig them up, piece by piece, and manage them in a slow and controlled way.
It was a method he'd mastered.
The way his insides ripped apart, the hollowness that grew in the pit of his stomach, and the uncomfortable ache that seemed impossible to soothe, were nothing compared to what he endured with Vexen. But the memories still haunted his dreams at night.
He couldn't believe he was stupid enough to turn to a man who had put him through such pain.
The more he thought about Saix in the warehouse, the sooner the man's words sank back in.
Riku.
Riku had helped him, so much. The man practically sealed a death wish, just to help him. And for what? To be arrested, to sit in a jail cell, and to be... who knew where.
Roxas had fucked him over big time, and who knew if he'd ever be able to properly thank the man.
The blond opened his mouth, fully prepared to asked if Axel knew anything about Riku, but stopped when he saw where they were. Axel pulled along side the house, quickly parking it and getting out, or maybe it wasn't quick at all. The teen was frozen in his seat, before him stood a man he'd been avoiding. Sure, Leon had taken him to his appointment with Zack, but the two of them hadn't talked since they got into it. Roxas got the feeling he wouldn't be able to avoid it any longer.
Leon followed the younger two inside, asking Roxas for a moment, and stepping into the kitchen.
Hesitantly he followed, as if the slower he went, the possibly of their conversation not happening, would increase.
He didn't know what to say to the man, he felt as though he should have been apologizing, but on the other hand, he stood by what he had said.
"Look," the brown haired man started, "I know... I know I was a little... harsh... with Cloud, but you know how Cloud is. And I know how Cloud is... he's over the point of coddling, he needs a wake up call."
Again, he knew it was his turn to say something, but Roxas couldn't find a word to say.
"If Cloud were enforcing the rules that I have, would you be fighting him?"
"That's different," he finally spoke, but Leon easily cut him off.
"It's not. Because I understand you, just like Cloud does, the only difference is, I'm not a coddler." he almost sounded defensive. "You're old enough to not be coddled anymore, it might have been a smart move when you were younger, but you're almost an adult... it's different now."
The blond turned, ready to leave, but was stopped by a hand. Roxas had enough mind to see things from a rational stand point, but he wasn't in the mood to. Then again, he just rationalized a drug dealing rapist as okay, but wasn't giving Leon the light of day.
"I don't know you..." but, who did Roxas really know? He thought he knew the redhead sitting on the couch, but their conversation the day before had proved otherwise.
"Just... trust me... I'm doing what I think is best for you, and everyone... Honestly, I wish it wasn't my responsibility, but... that'a not how life works..." He stepped back from Roxas, taking a deep breath. "I know it's hard to obey someone you don't know, especially when you're not used to having to abide by anyones rules... but, just trust me. I want to keep you safe, and I think this is the best way."
Maybe Leon had caught on to more than the teen thought, maybe the older man understood just what was angering the teen to the core. But he wasn't stepping down, and the more the teen dwelled on his words, the more he began to think, that maybe it was for the best.
Had Leon not blocked Sephiroth's number, then it would have been Roxas dead, not the nurse. Then again, the nurse deserved to live, and Roxas practically wished death upon himself. Roxas nodded, not wanting to talk to the man anymore, but wanting to process a few thoughts instead.
"If only you could have listened to me like that," Vexen's voice rapped around his neck, "But... then you wouldn't have been as fun."
Roxas knew he needed to do something, he needed to get rid of the voice in his head, or he was pretty sure he'd go insane. Axel bid his farewells as he left for work, the blond quietly asking the man to come back after. The smile that stretched across the tattooed face, was the only conformation he received.
In the mean time, the teen thought about how much of his life would have just been easy if he could have just listened. He'd have no dignity intact, probably. But, he would have experienced less nights spent bandaging wounds, or nursing aching ribs.
Locking himself in his room, the teen took advantage of Axel's absence. Familiar music blared throughout his room, and Roxas sat on his bed, hastily writing in fear that he would over think what he wrote and his point would be missed.
He was done censoring himself, he was done tiptoeing around the redhead. After all, the man had been there, in spirit, through some of the most dramatic things he'd experienced. Roxas needed the redhead to understand, and he wasn't sure if the man understood with his last note, so he was going to re-elaborate everything.
When Axel arrived later that night, the teen bombarded him with the note, antsy for the man to read it.
The words went into depth, explaining why he was so quick to blame Axel, explaining how he had become aware of it in the end. But mostly, how none of it was Axel's fault. Roxas' smart mouth was what got him in trouble with Saix, and his father was what got him in trouble with Vexen. Axel was essentially a bystander.
"Thank you..." the redhead began, "But... it wasn't your fault either."
"Don't," the teen didn't allow him to finish that thought.
"So... Where does that leave us?"
"What do you mean?" The blond thought he had covered everything in his note.
"I mean... you said 'goodbye' to me, like you were trying to break up with me. Where you?"
Roxas looked at his hand, not wanting to admit to it so soon. "Well... you were almost killed because of me... I was almost killed because of me... it seemed safer for us to not be dating..."
"And now?" All the man received was a questioning glance. "It 'seemed' safer... how do you feel about 'us' now?"
"I... I care about you... I don't want to see you with anyone else... it made me mad when I saw that chick bring you a beer..."
"We weren't even dating for that," the man smiled as a blush spread under blue eyes.
"It made me mad to see you with your friend too... I thought you were going to tell me he was your new boyfriend, the one you got when I was missing."
"Rox, I never stopped looking for you. I never gave up on you, ever."
Although the teen thought it was sweet, it also made him feel like an idiot. All this time him and Axel had been together, and Roxas was 'sleeping' with everyone but him, and been in everyone's company, but his.
"So... are you giving up on me?"
The teen thought to himself, about just how shitty of an outcome that would be, but shook his head.
"I don't know how to be normal Ax... I want to be around you, all the time, but then the first thing I do is fight with you..."
They sat in silence, Axel waiting for an answer while Roxas thought long and hard about what he was going to say.
"I don't know what to do with myself..." concerned green eyes looked at him, "But... I do want to figure it out... but only because of you... Can... can we just forget I said goodbye?"
Long arms wrapped around the teen. Neither could tell who had wasted away more, but when their boney ribs collided in their hug, it caused them to quickly change positions. They laid, holding each other, on Roxas' bed, both deep in their thinking.
Axel smiled, holding the teen close, waiting for the moment he could hear the blond's laugh again. He accepted that it might take some time for him to hear a genuine laugh, but it was worth the wait.
Roxas stared at the chest in front of him, he'd been waiting to be in Axel's arms, but once the man was back, all Roxas managed to do was fight with him. He cursed himself, he was so damaged that even though everything was fine, he was still a mess that was ruining every possible good scenario around him.
It didn't take long for the teen to realize that the man had fallen asleep, the light snoring was both comforting and right in the blond's ear. He shifted his weight, glad the man only held him tighter, but Roxas was too deep in thought to be granted sleep.
Axel wasn't the only good thing that the teen kept pushing away. Another good thing had presented itself not too many days before hand. But Roxas was too afraid that it would back fire to fully enjoy it.
After all, what were really the chances that after all this time, his mother would come to him and have logical excuses for everything? Not very good.
The teen's mouth opened, ready to wake Axel and tell him about another one of his current dilemmas, but nothing came out. Maybe Axel wasn't the best person to talk to it about, but then who was? The more his mind thought about it, the more the subject began to change. He first started thinking about his mother but his mind twisted it around, as if trying to wring it out like water from a cloth.
Was Roxas just making excuses in his mind, like why she seemed so off when he met her? Or was he actually being objective? It was hard to tell, and no matter how hard he tried to pick at his memory of her, he was just left in silence.
Who was a good person to bring it up to? Who would accept it as something good and not use their own judgement to deem her 'unsafe'?
Maybe he was better just keeping it to himself till he was able to make up his mind about her. Leon would probably jump the gun and instantly categorize her as someone else Roxas shouldn't be around. Zack would want him to talk about it more in depth, but wouldn't give his own opinion, and in the end would probably tell Leon, just to be safe.
He could ask his father... if the man didn't want him dead...
Sephiroth had to know all of the right answers.
But maybe the man didn't, he'd tell the teen the same thing he always told him. And that was either the truth, or a lie, but there was no way Sephiroth would own up to a lie...
Roxas pushed the thoughts out of his mind, not wanting to dwell in the feelings that were slowly sinking in.
He focused on his breathing, waiting till his mind was completely clear to do anything. As he laid, surrounded by the warmth that was Axel, sleep slowly took over him. Things still clouding his mind, but all the thoughts would be forgotten by morning.
The dreams that filled his mind, were borderline crazy. Sporadic to say the least. Saix and Vexen and the long painful nights, were first to flood his brain, but the discomfort wore off when he began to think of his mother. She was nowhere close to Tifa, and maybe that was his problem, instead of seeing her as a mother, he was comparing her to the only mother he'd ever had. Tifa won that comparison. But Tifa was gone... and his mother was still here.
Yellow took over blue eyed vision, warm and comforting. Soon red faded in to join the glow, ever so slowly he sat up. Roxas looked around his room, it still didn't feel like 'home', but having the redhead sleep over, always made it more comfortable. Looking at said redhead, a soft smile spread across the teen's scarred lips.
Axel's face was so peaceful, all features relaxed and at ease as he slowly breathed. Even though they had arguments, be able to see Axel's usually stern face, at peace, was a bonus, and a reason on Roxas' checklist that was proof of just how much the teen cared. He would probably never be able to put his feelings into words, probably never even admit to half of is feelings aloud, but as long as he knew the reasons, he knew what to fight for.
He did want to get better. He wanted to be 'reborn', to start his life over again. All demons from the past, casted aside. Roxas wanted to get rid of the voice in his head, get rid of the hallucinations he knew he was having, and he was completely ready to put in all the work needed. Axel was just what he needed. The man was stubborn and acted like he'd seen a gem inside Roxas, one that he wasn't willing to pass up. The teen didn't want to chance missing out on the rest of his life, or missing out on a life with Axel. He'd been faced with that reality once before, and the scars on his arms were proof that Roxas needed Axel if he was going to over come anything in his life.
"You okay?"
Roxas hadn't even noticed the face move. He was so deep in thought, he never even saw the green eyes pop open, or the tattoos on his face curve, or how the smile was now stretched across the pale face.
"Yeah..." the teen gave a small smile, watching as the man stood up.
Thin arms reached above his fiery mane, stretching, his shirt lifting up a bit to reveal hip bones and a gaunt stomach.
"You sure you're okay?"
This time a small chuckle slipped through his scarred lips, shaking his head as he repeated himself.
Axel returned the small smile, turning to leave the room, leaving the door open as he and Leon began to talk.
Roxas pulled his phone out, not bothering to listen to the two men's conversation. He found the newest contact in his phone, staring at the open blank message.
He wanted to write something, he just didn't know what.
With a light chuckle he began to text.
Roxas hoped his mother wouldn't defuse his positive mood, he threw his phone on the bed, not wanting to read a response if he received one.
"Hey Rox," the lean man was back, standing in his door way, "Get dressed."
The teen wanted to question him, wanted to know why, but Axel had walked away too soon.
It was lovely out, he could tell by looking out his window. The sun was shining bright, the birds were chirping, and the breeze was gentle. Peeling off his hoodie, he opted for a pair of pants and a long sleeve thermal. He wanted to enjoy the day, and hiding behind his hoodie was the same as hiding behind his walls. Pulling the loose long sleeved shirt over his blond hair, the teen rolled the sleeves up for a split second. The teen wasn't ashamed of his scars, but he didn't want the looks of pity, it would ruin his day. On one hand, he wanted to keep the scars forever, but on the other hand, he didn't want to have to expose himself to every passerby.
Rolling his sleeves back down, he smiled, stepping out into the hallway, he watched as Leon lifted his hand, in discretely telling Axel to stop talking.
Suspicion rolled over the teen, but he criticized himself, he didn't need to know everything they talked about. Normal people don't question every thing they see, normal people accept that others have secrets, and not everything is about him, or has anything to do with him.
The smirk was back on his face, it was too good of a day for him to let his emotions ruin everything.
Uploaded February 28, 2017
