The Day School Got TWISTED! Chapter 45
I hummed happily and pushed the vacuum cleaner down the hall. Every so often I would stop and talk to it about the meaning of life and I would ask it, very loudly so that everyone could hear, if it knew the answer to problem number five on my math homework.
Of course, being a vacuum cleaner, it did not respond. But that wasn't the point; actually there was no point. What reason does anyone have to be talking inanimate objects other than the fact than I felt like it?
I pushed it around the corner and into Gimli's class. He stared at me as I wheeled it to my seat, sat down and patted it. He shook his head and started talking when the bell rang, signaling it was time to start class. But that is obvious, why else would a bell ring in the school?
"Hello class, in addition to dissecting frogs today, we have a new students," He said and motioned to the door
It opened and a girl came in. She was dressed in a crazy tie-dyed out fit and had orange streaks in her hair. She also had her ears duct taped to look pointy.
"HI EVERYONE!" she yelled
Casey, who was sitting next to me drooling over a Legolas picture, suddenly turned her attention to the door and shrieked loudly.
"NIMPATH! OH MY GOD IS IT YOU!" Casey jumped out of her seat, knocked her folder of Legolas pictures off the desk and ran to the girl
"CASEY?" She exclaimed, "ARE YOU THE CASEY!"
They looked at each other for a moment before they both shrieked wildly and hugged.
"On no, WHY? WHY? ANOTHER Casey? What have I don't to deserve this?" Gimli yelled to the sky
"What is going on?" Jackie asked, "How do you two know each other?"
"We both went to 'Fan Girls United'!" Nimpath explained, "I never thought that I would get to see Casey again! But now I can see her every day because now, we go to the same school! YAY!"
They jumped around wildly again, shirking and yelling.
"Please…sit down!" Gimli said pinching the bridge of his nose
The two fangirls bounced over to a vacant table and sat there giggling and whispering about who knows what. I grinned and put my backpack on the table where Casey had been sitting. I now had the whole table to myself and I was quite happy about this.
"Now that you have all met your new classmate, it is time to begin the dissection of the freeze dried frogs that I have ordered from the 'We Freeze with Care' company." Gimli said and started passing out the aluminum dishes to put the frogs in
Most of the class was pretty excited about this, evil Miss Noliee in particular but Jackie looked horrified.
"We cannot dissect these frogs! That's horrible! Just think of all the poor frogs killed just so students can cut them up and see what's inside them! How would you like it if we cut up you just to see what was inside! I can't believ-
"Jackie, stop please!" Gimli said and put a tray in front of her
"I am not participating in this brutal slaying of frogs!" she said and crossed her arms
"For one thing, the frogs are already dead so you would not be 'slaying' them. And for another thing, this dissection counts for 45 percent of your grade!" Gimli replied and slapped a dead frozen frog onto her dish
Jackie's eyes went wide as she carefully picked the frozen frog cycle by its foot and tapped it against the table. It made a weird 'thumpth!' noise. Jackie set the frog back in the tray, put a piece of paper over it and refused to look at it.
I poked my frog repeatedly with a gloved finger as it started to thaw.
"Before you being, there are some rules that all of you must follow. The first and most important rule is all parts of the frog as to stay in the dishes! The second rule is, NO sword fighting with the dissection knives. Rule three, do not begin until I tell you do, and do exactly as I tell you too." Gimli said. "Now with that in mind we can begin. All of you should now slowly cut the frog open. Yes, you too Jackie."
Jackie shook her head no, "I am not caving in to this stupid example of peer pressure."
Casey laughed wildly when Nimpath picked up the frog by its two front legs and made it dace. Casey picked up her frog and made it do kung fu moves.
I took my CD player out and put the headphones over its ears. Then I turned around and made my frog dance with Nimpath's.
"We are da frogs from da pond yo! Coming to yo here from da pad lily in da hood yo!" we rapped and made our frogs bob their heads like rappers
I made my frog booty dance to the song 'My Humps' and I don't think Gimli appreciated that at all. Hanna saw what we were doing and decided to toss her frog at Noliee's face. It landed right where she indented it too and Noliee fell backwards off her chair.
"RETALIATION!" Noliee screamed and tossed one back
It landed in Hanna's hair. She grabbed it by the back legs and smacked Noliee across the face with it while laughing like a spaz. Noliee laughed to and they smacked each other across the face with frogs.
I was getting all excited now and I jumped up on the table babbling wildly and holding the frog high above my head.
"Cheesy! Sit down this instant! All of you stop! Don't make me get Aragorn in here with his tranquilizer gun!" Gimli yelled
But a random frog came flying out from somewhere and stuck to his face.
"WOOT WOOT!" I yelled and danced around on the table with my frog
"Kung Fu Sumo frog fight!" Nimpath exclaimed and set her frog in a sumo wrestler pose
Casey did the same and made her frog stomp around before they charged their frogs at each other and wrestled them.
Gimli shook his head sadly and watched as Jackie calmly put her frog in a plastic bag and hid it in her backpack.
"I am going to save you froggy." She said and patted her bag
"Let's build a frog army and take over the school!" Noliee said to Hanna slapping her again with the frog
"Okay!" she replied and smacked Noliee back
"STOP!" Gimli exclaimed jumping up on his desk and waving his axe around
"Dance with me and the frog, Gimli!" I said
"No! I will not dance! This is unacceptable!" he replied
"I know Legolas, would dance with me." I said
"Legolas is a fruit cake!" Gimli hissed
"He is not! You are a…a…fruit pie!" I exclaimed
"Why is it so impossible to do anything with you children?" Gimli yelled chopped a table in half with his axe
Everyone gasped and instantly shut up.
"Ooooohh! You did it now!" Nimpath said
"I'm telling on you!" I said and ran to the door
"You will do no such thing!" Gimli yelled and dived in front of the door seemingly in slow motion
He crashed into the door still holding his axe that that went flying and got stuck in the door. He gasped and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck like…like a fly on…flypaper! He braced himself against the door and pulled with all his might. The axe came free, flew out of his hand and across the classroom and blasted into his desk. The desk soared backwards from the impact and smashed into the wall sending papers flying in all direction.
Gimli gasped again and pulled the axe out of his desk which then collapsed. He set the axe carefully on the floor and looked outside the classroom to see if anyone had heard all the crashing. Oddly enough, no one had but in the second that it took to find out, Noliee had picked up the axe and was holding it above her head in a dramatic pose looking like a Viking Queen.
"Put that down!" Gimli exclaimed waving his arms around, "That is a very dangerous weapon! PUT IT DOWN!"
Noliee shrugged, "Okay."
She threw it across the room and it hit the cabinet with all the lab supplies in it. There was a horrible sound of things crashing and busting into a million pieces as brightly colored chemicals began to spill all over the floor.
There must have been some acid or something in there because there was a loud sizzling noise and the chemicals started to eat the wood of the desks and the tiled floor.
"AHHHHHHH! IT'S THE PLAGUE!" Nimpath screamed and ran out of the room
The rest of us followed. We ran as fast as we could down the halls screaming and disrupting the other classes. I was surfing down the halls on my vacuum cleaner that I had rescued from the evil.
As we came barreling past Gandalf's classroom, he stuck his head out of the door and shook his staff at us and yelled things in another language that didn't seem all that friendly. My vacuum cleaner zoomed right into him and ran him over.
I don't think this improved his mood much.
OooO
After things calmed down and those people in the germ suits came and cleaned up the spill, we continued on to lunch.
"Heeeey Noliee! Watcha eating?" Casey asked as she flopped down in the chair next to Nimpath
"Food," Noliee replied
"What kind of food?"
"The kind you eat," she said and continued munching away
"Well, can I have some of it? I'm, the hungry!"
"The hungry?" Noliee sighed and rolled her eyes, "Well in that case, I'm the 'I'm not sharing my food with you'."
Casey pouted and opened her boring lunch as clowns came busting into the cafeteria followed by mimes.
Gandalf stood up from where he was eating at the teachers table.
"You can't have me!" he yelled and threw a slice of bread at a mime, "I will not go with you! You hear me clowns! NEVER!"
Then he broke the window with his cafeteria tray and leaped out hooting madly, happy that he had gotten away from the evil clown menace.
After recovering from Gandalf out burst, a mime scooted over to out table pretending to be climbing a mountain. He picked up Jackie's sandwich and clapped it in his hands making cheese, tomato, and lettuce fly everywhere. Then he shielded his face as if experiencing a terrible onslaught of rain.
Jackie scowled and moved her lunch out of his reach. Since Jackie's marvelous food was inaccessible, the mime made the mistake of taking Noliee's orange and pretending it was a basketball.
Noliee's left eye twitched and before you could say 'Flying cow doo doo in a blender' Noliee had punched out the mime and retrieved her orange that was now all soggy and bruised. This only made her angrier and she threw the orange down onto the unconscious mime's head.
"I'll have you know that cost me 50 cents!" She screamed and got up to get another one from the lunch line
Then she turned and glared at everyone sitting at our table that at the moment happened to be, Jackie, Nimpath, Casey and Hanna.
"And if any of you touch my food, may you have the same fate as that mime." She warned and stalked off
All the other clowns and mimes that had stopped to watch the evil display of violence quickly moved out of her path. When she wasn't looking, Casey stole a French fry.
Noliee pushed in front of some little 6th grader and joined me in the line were I was currently causing trouble with the cafeteria ladies Merry and Pippin…wait…that was wrong…
"Have any oranges left?" Noliee asked looking around for them
"Nope, just sold the last one to Cheesy," Pippin said, "But if you would like to buy some mushrooms…"
He unbuttoned his long trench coat and opened one side that was covered with mushroom. On the other side was a supply of Lembas and cookies.
"I have what you are looking for," he said reminding Noliee of a shady New York City watch dealer
"I don't want your crummy mushrooms! I want an orange!" she said
"Well, go ask Cheesy for one, she bough 30 of them." Merry said and shrugged
Noliee stared blankly, "30? What the cheese could anyone want with 30 ORANGES?"
Merry and Pippin shrugged.
"Did I mention I have mushrooms?" Pippin shouted to her as Noliee trailed after me
By now I was at the teachers table bothering them. I was sitting in the middle of the table forcing them to eat the orange I had bought. I refused to leave until all of them had consumed one orange.
"I told you already! I HATE ORANGES!" Celeborn said and refused to take the one that I gave him, "I do not want this!"
"Too bad, you need your vitamin C! Oranges are good for your eyes…no wait that carrots…But oranges are…orange! So eat them up!" I smashed the orange on the table with my fist and juice sprayed everywhere including into Celeborn's eyes
"AHHH! MY EYES!" He screamed and fell to the floor twitching
Galadriel looked up from her spaghetti that she had topped with peanut butter and mouthwash. She glanced over at Celeborn's empty chair, shrugged, put her legs up on it and continued eating.
I wheeled around to the other side of the table and grinned at Legolas while tossing an orange into the air.
"Hello there my dearest," I said in the creepiest voice possible.
Legolas looked up at me with huge, scared looking, blue eyes.
"You did not just call me 'dearest'." He said scooting his chair back as if expecting to dash off in a mad sprint.
"Oh but I did," I said and held out an orange to him, "Take the fruit, the shiny, shiny fruit."
He just stared at me like a deer in head lights, "WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?"
"Eat an orange they are yummy." I said and calmly placed it on his tray
He looked at the orange, then at me, then back at the orange, and then at me, and the back to the orange, and then at me, and then at the orange again and back up at me and then at the orange once more. He poked it and banged it against the table lightly.
Aragorn who was sitting next to him raised an eyebrow, "What are you doing Legolas? And why is Cheesy sitting on our table?"
"I don't know, but there is something not quite right about this orange." Legolas said
Suddenly a few clowns danced over to us and started doing something stupid that looked like the interpretive dance of the windshield wipers. They made weird faces and waved their arms back and forth in quick jerking patterns in a head bopping slow dance.
All the teachers started at the clowns with raised eyebrows all except for Elrond who clapped and cheered wildly.
"Don't you love it?" he excitedly asked Frodo who was sitting to his left, "Doesn't it fill your soul with longing for a simpler happier time of light and joy?"
Frodo stared at him with the blankest expression ever seen on the face of a living creature.
"No. It doesn't." Frodo replied tonelessly and went back to eating his food that Sam had precut and chewed for him
Elrond looked a little put off, "Well! I think it is the best thing since freeze-dried ice cream! I love interpretive dance by disguised circus artist! Why else would I hire them to perform for us during every lunch period from now till the end of school?"
"Oh you didn't," said Gimli who looked about as thrilled as a cat on a leaking raft in the middle of the ocean.
"Oh but I did," Elrond said grinning, "This is suppose to relax the mind and sooth the soul…like aroma therapy dish soap."
Clowns dancing like freaks. Oh yeah real soothing…
One of the clown girls dressed like a belly dancer came up to Elrond and started dancing around him shaking her hips.
"This is totally not school appropriate!" I shouted and threw and orange at the clown girl's head
All the students looked to be ready to start a riot and were holding food threateningly.
"This is very lovely wouldn't you agree Thranduil?" Elrond asked his new best buddy
Thranduil wasn't even looking at the clown dancers. He was polishing a shiny new guitar that his poor neglected son was also eyeing enviously. Apparently the desire to be an elven rocker runs in the family.
"Oh, yeah, sure, whatever Elrond, the new tissue boxes are great." Thranduil replied not looking up
I dropped the orange I was holding when the clowns produced brightly colored flags and twirled them about while leaping around and dancing a ballet to the song, 'Here Comes the Sun'.
The mines formed a circle around them and swayed back and forth to the calming melody while holding up pictures of smiling flowers. Where was Tom Bombadil? He would have enjoyed this like no other could possibly understand.
Elrond also swayed back and forth holding his milk carton out in his hand and waving his arm back and forth like it was a lighter at a Woodstock concert. He had a look of tranquility on his face and didn't even notice when the sleeve of his robe fell in the potato salad and swooshed it onto his lap.
Then the clowns stopped, whispered something in a huddle and ran out of the cafeteria.
"IS IT OVER NOW!" Hanna screamed excited
"No, no. It is simply time for the second act. And Cheesy, get off the table you are obscuring my view of the dancing." Elrond said and made a shooing motion with his hand
I scoffed at him and jumped off forgetting about my oranges. I pushed Galadriel's legs of the chair and sat down. I looked around for Celeborn but he was gone. Probably snuck out when he had the chance, smart elf.
All of a sudden, there was a loud shout of happiness and everyone turned and looked at the cafeteria bathrooms that no one had used in years. The door was rattling so much that I thought it would come off its hinges.
"OH MY GOD IT'S THE TOILET MONSTER!" Casey screamed and dived under the table
The door opened and Van Helsing came out.
"FINALLY! FREEDOM FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOMMM!" He bellowed as he fell to his knees and kissed the floor, "I thought I was never going to get out of there!"
"Uh, dude where did you come from?" Jackie asked looking at his cool hat as if she was going to eat it
"OH I know! Remember when we were zombie hunting and he came blasting in and asked to use the bathroom but…he never came back out!" I said putting it all together, "Have you really been in there all that time?"
"Yes! But now I am FREE! And I shall-
But the clowns came back. They were now dressed in pink sweat suits and had garbage cans strapped to their feet and hands. Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse. The clowns were now going to perform…Stomp. The dance involving banging on random objects and creating a rhythm out of it.
The clowns started by running in a circle around the cafeteria banging the trash can lids together.
Van Helsing blinked several time before he slowly walked back to the bathroom and closed the door. Elrond had tears in his eyes as he watched this beautiful art form.
"YOU CALL THAT MUSIC?" Thranduil shouted and stood up on the table holding his guitar in one hand, "I'll show you music!"
He leaped down, pushed through the stomping clowns and ran off down the hallway. A second later he returned with sunglasses and a black leather jacket on and an amplifier that he plugged in and hooked his guitar up to.
All eyes were on him, including the clowns as he began to play. It was a nice calm song that followed the format of the clown's music. But then, after a few seconds Thranduil suddenly screamed like a banshee and started hammering away on it playing a loud, funky wild tune while screaming in different pitches and whipping his head around making his hair fly out in all directions.
It was so loud that the windows shook and parts of the ceiling started to come crumbling down. Thranduil finished his wild five minutes of fame by sliding across the cafeteria on his knees and throwing the guitar threw the window.
"OH YEAAAAAHHHH!" he screeched still headbanging, "I ROCK!"
Who knew the regal, reserved King of Mirkwood had a wild side?
OooO
Shortly after that, lunch had ended to everyone's relief. We were very happy to get out of there and head off to Noruas' class.
The pink cat was sitting on his desk having a conversation with his baloney sandwich. When the sandwich failed to respond in the correct way, Noruas blasted it with his special eye beams and turned the poor sandwich into a smoking pile of ash.
"BE seated slob class," he said and made dramatic flourishes with his paws
All of us did as we were told and Noruas wasted no time in getting into the lesson. He opened his books and pulled down a map of Middle Earth from over the chalkboard. It snapped back up and made a huge crashing noise.
Everyone in the room cringed including Noruas who hissed and backed away as if he was expecting the thing to explode.
"I'll do it," said Noliee as she bravely inched forward and pulled down the map
Taped across the front of it was a very unflattering drawling of Gandalf that should not have been there. Noruas laughed loudly in his annoying pink cattish voice and pointed to it.
Gandalf was drawn as a cartoon with a huge caterpillar unibrow, big wide eyes, and had a nose that was so large it took up half his face. He was wearing a bright green jump suit and his hat was purple. Above the picture where the words supposedly said by Gandalf: 'I wear curlers to bed and kiss my grandma's nasty, hairy feet!'
"Who is responsible for this!" Noruas asked still laughing, "I must know so I can give the slob extra credit in my slob class!"
Instantly all the hands in the classroom shot up. Noruas frowned.
"You all could not have possibly done that. You are all lying…extra credit points for all slobs that lied! I don't even really care who the slob drew this picture but it has put me in a good mood. I think I will take it home tonight and have a flag made of it!" Noruas announced, "But then again, knowing who DID create this picture would make me even happier and they would have an automatic hundred. AND do not try to lie this time because I will probe your slob brains with my special-ness that allows me to do so."
Noruas blinked his fiery eyeballs and looked around the room with an expression of intense concentration on his face. At first it didn't seem like he could find the person that really drew it but then he suddenly made a noise that sounded like a truck horn blast. He pointed to the closet and made the noise again.
"THE CLOSET DID IT?" Casey and Nimpath yelled in unison
"No you slobs! I believe there is someone in the slob closet of slob supplies." Noruas said and trotted his furry little butt over to the closet
He flung open the doors and a girl came flying out of it. She jumped over Noruas and landed on a desk.
"HI EVERYONE!" she yelled as loudly as she could, "My name is Kelly, but you can call me L.D."
"What's the L.D. stand for?" Cloe asked who had gone unnoticed in the back of the classroom
L.D. made shifty eyes at her, "if I told you, I would have to kill you. Top secrete it is, because I…am a…secrete agent!"
She made a weird pose and hopped off the desk landing in front of Noruas.
"I come to you all from the land of merry old England, the land of tea and scones and big red busses!" she said putting on a fake English accent, "And I am the one who drew that awesome picture of Gandalf. I will be joining you for the rest of the school year on the request of my mentor, a very old man in northern China. He says I am suppose to come here every day and LEARN things."
"Okay…" said Noruas, "Well sit down slob and start taking notes!"
"HEEEY! You did not just call me a slob!"
"He calls everyone slob," Noliee replied and moved her backpack out the desk next to her so L.D. could sit down, "Its nothing personal, you will get it and catch on fast here, I can tell."
Was Noliee being NICE?
I was about to mark down this momentous occasion when I saw what tomorrow, the first day of February, was on my calendar.
Student Appreciation Day…
A day that came around only once a year but I thought it to be the best school day ever created. It was a day similar to opposite day were you act all backwards, but instead of acting totally upside down, only one thing was different.
Instead of the teachers teaching the students, it was the student's job to teach the teachers!
Oh sweet madness here I come!
