My Own Worst Enemy
4 Hagadah Way, New Shi'Khar, New Vulcan, 2292.78, 1317 hours. According to his observations Se'tak looked to be recovering nicely. His physical therapy was progressing well and Sarek was secretly pleased at how easily his sa-fu-al took to his administrative duties at the Embassy. There were also the evening outings, sometimes as many as three or four per week, which generally aided in boosting his low spirits.
His sa-fu-al never volunteered any information about his nightly whereabouts and Sarek did not ask. Se'tak was an adult and therefore free to come and go from the clan compound as he saw fit. As it was, Sarek was gratified to see him venture out as it meant that his sa-fu-al's social life was flourishing.
It was prescient of him to invite Se'tak to recuperate on New Vulcan. Clearly his time planetside was doing him well.
The Old Haunt, New Shi'Khar, New Vulcan, 2292.83, 2122 hours. The bar near the Terran Embassy was a favorite among Humans and other off-worlders in the New Shi'Khar area; and while he wasn't full-Vulcan and had been frequenting the place practically since he landed his presence was off-putting enough that the other patrons gave him a wide berth. Se'tak didn't mind though. The solitude was what he wanted.
Hunched in his usual seat at the end of the bar 'Tak peered bleary-eyed into the bottom of his mug and motioned for the bartender. The man, a gray-haired 60-something with a bushy white mustache and a strong French Canadian accent, sidled over. "Are you sure, Monsieur?"
He bit back a snarl. "Yes." He thrust his glass forward. The bartender took it, shook his head in pity, and walked off.
Monsieur. Just that word alone was enough to set him off further. As if he needed another reminder, today of all days. Normally he came to The Old Haunt to forget and tonight he had plenty of reason; because tonight, if everything had gone right and there'd been no complications, he and Marie would've become parents. Instead Zosia and her sick, twisted, delusional mind took it all away from them and here he was, sitting at a bar hundreds of light years away from the love of his life, drinking away his sorrows.
His third (or fourth? He wasn't sure) Chocolate Guinness was set down in front of him. Se'tak clutched the mug tight and downed half the drink in one go, welcoming the warm, tingling, numbness. It was the numbness that preceded oblivion and tonight all he wanted to do was forget the mess that his life had become.
Healing Center, New Shi'Khar, New Vulcan, 2292.109, 1154 hours. Se'tak executed another set of leg strengthening exercises without once listening to his physical therapist; his mind was engaged elsewhere and had been for the last few days. The time was coming where he had to decide whether to re-enroll at L'École or defer his return for another semester (or put it off for good)—and frankly he didn't know what to do.
"Very good. I need another 10 repetitions on each leg," Therapist T'Veera instructed, breaking him out of his thoughts. She'd been his therapist since his arrival on New Vulcan but aside from that he didn't give her much thought. Focusing on hr directions 'Tak re-gripped the ends of the band stretched around his foot and brought his leg straight up once more.
He wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of returning to Paris. Not that Zosia was a threat to him anymore but the things she did—the way she tortured him—those memories lurked around every corner, as did his memories of time spent with Marie. He briefly considered transferring to another program but he put it off too late; none of them would take him this Fall and not only that but they weren't as prestigious as L'École. That left him with 2 options: either stay put and tough it out or quit.
Switching the band to his other leg Se'tak considered his choices. Quitting seemed to be winning out. Sa-mekh-al said he found him "indispensable" and he could make a good enough living as an admin. Plus he'd still have his hand in diplomatic work, he just wouldn't be a policy maker. Not a bad alternative.
He hadn't pulled the trigger yet because of Mama and Sa-mekh. They were still fighting with each other but the one thing they agreed on now was his going back to school in the Fall. Telling them his new plans was going to be hell.
"Your physical therapy session is now ended," Therapist T'Veera declared. She assisted him to his feet then picked up her PADD. "It is also my professional opinion that you are no longer in need of my services. I am hereby discharging you from my care."
Se'tak quirked an eyebrow. Physically he was back to where he was before the attack. Hard to believe. "Thank you."
"You are most welcome," she replied, "However, it is you who you must thank as you put in the work required." Therapist T'Veera tapped at her PADD several more times before setting it aside and holding her hand up in the ta'al. "Live long and prosper, Se'tak."
"Peace and long life, Therapist T'Veera." He left the Healing Center a short while later, sound of body but not sound of mind.
New Vulcan Embassy, New Shi'Khar, New Vulcan, 2292.133, 1650 hours. The floor had been opened for the Elders and the Ambassadorial staff to discuss whether or not to ally themselves with the people of the planet Quezon. The alliance was merely a formal prelude to entrance into the Federation and one that Sarek was all in agreement for. He had spoken persuasively for 12.6 minutes in favor of the union while his junior counterpart, Develk, spent 48.4 minutes speaking in opposition.
Make that 48.5 minutes.
Throughout the discussion Sarek made surreptitious glances toward the back wall where Se'tak stood quietly alongside the other administrative staff, his PADD clutched tight to his chest. His sa-fu-al was a most attentive pupil and a quick study. He had proven himself invaluable in the preceding weeks and Sarek was grateful for the assistance during his own prolonged recovery. As their time together drew to a close he privately mourned the loss of Se'tak's company and his eventual return to Earth.
No sooner did Develk finish speaking than Elder T'Sok called for a vote. Sarek's eyes darted around the table; he knew which of his comrades were in favor of the alliance, which were opposed, and which were undecided prior to the meeting, and he sought the gaze of the latter two groups now. Develk had spoken at length but he had not spoken persuasively and the vote for inclusion passed 27 to 4 only 3.89 minutes later.
Once the meeting adjourned Sarek stepped out into the hall where his sa-fu-al quickly fell into step beside him. "I welcome your thoughts on the subject of today's meeting."
They continued down the long corridor for 16 seconds while his sa-fu-al carefully considered his response. "I question the fitness of such an alliance between New Vulcan and Quezon. The benefits to Quezon in terms of defense and trade far outnumber the benefits New Vulcan will receive in return, at least in the immediate future; and while our community has made great strides toward restoration since the Destruction our population has scant resources to spare. Still, I am in agreement with the rest of the Council that they should enter into this union and that the relationship will become mutually beneficial in 20 or 30 years' time."
Sarek nodded; he had thought as much himself. "And what did you think of Ambassador Develk's speech?" He shot a sideways glance at Se'tak and saw him purse his lips; formerly Se'tak was a most emotive and effusive young man but these last 16.4 weeks had seen his personality take on a decidedly more Vulcan bent.
"Develk spoke with conviction, however, he did not present any logical evidence to support his claims. I believe that his prolonged and baseless speech is what ultimately swayed the undecided delegates to vote with you for inclusion."
"You have made some very astute observations, Sa-fu-al. May these lessons serve you well in your own diplomatic career."
Se'tak gave a non-committal nod and continued walking, another trait he had learned in the Embassy halls. The maneuver made Sarek aware that his sa-fu-al had no intention of returning to Paris and resuming his studies. Previously he had been working under the apprehension that Se'tak's recovery was progressing well and that he was prepared to return to his former life; now that belief was challenged.
How had he been so blind to this situation? And for so long?
4 Hagadah Way, New Shi'Khar, New Vulcan, 2292.136, 1833 hours. He stood before the stove putting the finishing touches on supper while his sa-mekh-al went to work setting the table. It was only the 2 of them tonight so he added some extra chili to the Dengu just the way he liked it. The bread was warming in the oven and the kitchen smelled so good Se'tak was almost tempted to eat straight out of the pan.
"The table is ready," Sarek solemnly declared.
He nodded and lifted the lid off the pan, stirring the tomato puree and pumpkin mash a little more into the mung bean and couscous. "Just a few more minutes."
"Understood." His sa-mekh-al then went and retrieved a dish for the food before coming to stand alongside him at the counter. "Your mother contacted me this afternoon. She said that the deadline for re-enrollment at L'École is in 11 days' time." Se'tak pressed his lips tightly together. She would call Sa-mekh-al about that. "She wished to know if I had any insight as to whether or not you intended to return. I told her that I did not know—though I have my suspicions."
Se'tak lifted the pot off the stove and brushed past him, bypassing the waiting dish in his hurry to get the food on the table. If he could just get the meal started then they wouldn't have to talk about this—they wouldn't have to talk about anything since silence during a meal was an absolute in Sa-mekh-al's household. "Can you get the bread please?"
He was—literally and figuratively—being given the brush off. Sarek would not let his sa-fu-al avoid the subject so easily. Turning off the oven he then turned his attention toward the table where Se'tak was rapidly piling food high on their plates. "I suspect you have no desire to return to Paris after the ordeal you went through. However, you must make a decision and I suggest that that decision includes you moving forward."
Se'tak stilled and his grip around the pot handle tightened. "My ordeal?"
"Yes. You nearly lost your life. No doubt it would be difficult to overcome those memories when you return to the city."
He slammed the pot down on the table and turned to him with a face like lightning. "What about everything else I lost? The love of my life?! Our child?! How do you suggestI overcome THOSE LOSSES?!"
Sarek stepped forward and placed a commiserating hand on his shoulder. "These losses are also grievous to you and to our clan, yet I know you will surmount these in time. What matters now is that you proceed with your studies as originally planned."
In a display of extreme emotionalism Sarek had never heretofore witnessed in his sa-fu-al Se'tak flung the pan of food hard against the far wall and spun on him in a blind rage. Sarek took a slight step backward in an unusual concession to fear. "You what, you want me to go back to school just like that?!" Se'tak snapped his fingers in his face. "I can't do that! Can't you see?! I can't get over them! I'll never get over them! And that's rich coming from you that you think I can!"
"I do not take your meaning," he replied, one eyebrow slowly rising even as he kept his distance.
Se'tak did not hesitate. "You never moved on after Ko-mekh-il died!"
Sarek was stunned into silence, his mouth held slightly agape. Unable to form a reply he mutely watched his sa-fu-al storm past him and out the front door with a face like thunder. He was still standing in the kitchen 5.2 minutes later as the remains of their ruined meal slowly dripped down the wall.
How dare he! How DARE he!? Of all the things…and he just thinks…! I can't believe it! Se'tak's thoughts raced along these lines as he stalked down the front path away from the house. He couldn't get away fast enough.
Why didn't anyone understand?! How come no one knew what it was like to feel a hurt so deep you drown in it? Or miss someone so much you feel your soul get split in two? How come no one ever tells you that such pain is even possible to feel and still keep on living, let alone try and live 'normally'?
But that's what everyone was pressuring him to do and he'd had it. Still miserable and fuming Se'tak made his way into town bent on reaching The Old Haunt. Tonight he needed a drink more than ever—several drinks, in fact.
1714 hours. He'd just cleared the open air market where a small group of shoppers were picking up last minute groceries for their dinners when he heard someone calling his name. At first Se'tak didn't see her but then on the edge of the crowd he spotted Therapist T'Veera flagging him down. 'Tak didn't want to stop but after everything she'd down for him it would've been rude to avoid her. He stopped on the corner, The Old Haunt in sight in the distance, and waited for her to reach him.
"Greetings, Se'tak."
"Good Evening, Therapist T'Veera," he replied with a slight nod. "I trust you are well?"
"I am well, and now that our professional liaison is concluded you may please call me T'Veera. I trust you are also well?"
Se'tak searched for something to say. Lying and extricating himself from this situation as quickly as possible would've been the easiest option but somehow he couldn't bring himself to do it. "I am…adequate."
A lone auburn eyebrow shot high into T'Veera's forehead. "I see. Would you care to discuss the matter further? Perhaps over some tea at the café across the street?"
He dithered, eyes darting toward the bar and across the street again indecisively. After spotting the bag of produce she held clasped in her hand he said, "I would not want to keep you from your end day meal."
With a gracious sweep of her hand toward the café she declared, "You would be keeping me from nothing."
The tea had been ordered and served and their cups were cooling while his anger at life in general and Sa-mekh-al in particular continued to simmer.
"I understand…"
"Do you…?"
They spoke simultaneously and instead of finishing his question Se'tak gestured for her to continue. "I understand from your medical file that the injury which brought you to our facility was not the result of an accident but that of a personal attack. Is that correct?" Dumbfounded by her bluntness all he could do was nod. "Would that incident also be the source of your current upset?" He nodded again. "Perhaps discussing the matter would unburden you."
"I'm tired of talking about it," he suddenly snapped. "Besides, nobody understands."
Nonplussed, T'Veera took a sip from her cup then placed it back in it's saucer, her lips bowed in thoughtful contemplation. "Perchance if we were better acquainted with one another then you would entrust your story to me. I will begin." With a small throat-clearing cough she briefly related her tale.
"I was born and raised on New Vulcan in a suburb of New Shi'Khar. My parents attempted to adhere to the old traditions yet by the time I reached my seventh year of age they had yet to locate anyone who they deemed to be a suitable partner for me. Therefore I was without a bond until I was 18.27 years of age; that was when I met Sinac at University. He was 1.43 years older than me and different—not at all the partner my parents wanted for me—however, our relationship was shan hal lak* and it endured for 16.4 years.
"We were to be bonded—Sinac was returning from a business trip to Glanatis—when his shuttle experienced a malfunction and exploded. There were no survivors."
Se'tak suddenly looked up from his tea and stared at her wide-eyed. Never in all their months of working together did T'Veera let on that she'd lost her fiancé on the eve of their bonding. Only now, looking into her eyes, did he see a sorrow that mirrored his own. "S'ti th'laktra*."
"Thank you. However, I told you my story not to garner your sympathy but to help you understand that your loss is not as singular as you think."
He tried to keep his composure even as his eyes watered. "Is it that obvious?"
"Only to those who have also experienced such pain," she told him point blank. "You are also more fortunate than most in that you have a strong support system around you to aid you in this troubled time. As I previously intimated my own clan was not in favor of our bonding and Sinac's passing proved most fortuitous for them."
"Then they're wrong," he swiftly replied. He hadn't know T'Veera long nor had he known her well but Se'tak knew she was a woman worth valuing.
"Thank you."
He nodded and turned back to his tea, his mind whirring. All this time he'd been such a selfish ass, wallowing in his own misery. And Sa-mekh-al! The things he'd said to him…Se'tak knew he'd never live down the shame, just like he'd never forgive himself for the ugly words that came out of his mouth.
T'Veera calmly stirred her tea, understanding him as if he'd spoken his thoughts aloud. "It is said that time is a great healer—the greatest, in fact. I have found that to be true. I have also discovered that the support of friends and family factors into one's recovery a great deal as well. If you have not previously then please now consider me your friend, Se'tak."
He was beyond grateful to T'Veera—for her advice as well as her friendship. She'd helped him more than she knew.
4 Hagadah Way, New Shi'Khar, New Vulcan, 2292.137, 0225 hours. Se'tak returned to the compound with his head hung low. Talking with T'Veera helped set him straight but it still took several hours before he gathered up enough courage to return home. As he turned up the front walk he saw the lights on and knew Sa-mekh-al was still awake and no doubt worried as to where he'd gotten to.
Taking a deep, steadying breath, Se'tak palmed the lock and entered the house. No sooner was he in the foyer than Sa-mekh-al stuck his head out of his office, the relief obvious even in his inexpressive face. "Se'tak."
"Ha, Sa-mekh-al, it's me."
Sarek stepped into the hall, his robes billowing behind him as he quietly exhaled a sigh of relief. "I am gratified to see that you have returned home safely." He studied him closely, his body tense and poised awaiting another outburst, but when none was forthcoming he decided to head to the stairwell to repair to his bed.
He had taken 5 steps and his back was turned to his sa-fu-al when Se'tak began speaking. "Sa-mekh-al, I..." His speech faltered and Sarek heard the catch in his voice. Se'tak's composure began to unravel yet after several deep breaths he re-gained control without once looking him directly in the eye. "I want to apologize."
"Your apology is noted and accepted."
"No, really, I…" Se'tak reached out to halt his progress up the stairs and in spite of himself Sarek flinched. Fresh regret swept across Se'tak's face as he took first one shaky step backward then another until his backside connected with the far wall. "Everything's a mess and it's all my fault! I'm sorry. You were only trying to help. I'll call Mama and Sa-mekh in the morning and make plans to head home."
Cautiously Sarek approached his sa-fu-al. "You need not contact your parents unless it is you who wish to depart. You were correct earlier when you said that I have never recovered from the loss of your ko-mekh-il. I have not. It was why I did not take a new wife and start a new clan when our colony was first established despite the insistence of our Elders. Even as our people faced extinction I could not then and cannot now deny my love for Amanda.
"It was wrong of me to presume that you could move forward from your own relationship given it's difficult and untimely end. I should have recognized that fact and not pushed you as I did. Your losses are great and you must take what time you need to properly mourn without interference."
At the mention of his losses Se'tak began to sniffle, then he surprised Sarek by impulsively diving into his arms for an embrace the way once did as a child. He swiftly wrapped his arms around the grieving and guilt-stricken young man.
"You know, I came here to apologize to you, not the other way around. I've been acting like an ass."
"It is true, sa-fu-al, that you have not been your best self since your arrival here."
"HA!"
"However," Sarek finished, "You should know that you need never apologize to me. We are family and I will always be here for you."
Ultimately Se'tak decided to return to L'École. He didn't do it to please his parents or try and win back Marie; he did it for himself. He wanted to prove to himself that he was stronger than the evil that'd dogged him for the last year and a half. Se'tak was determined to turn that terrible experience into an asset…
…and once reinstated at school that's exactly what he did. The following spring he graduated top of his class, ready and raring to take on the galaxy.
* shan hal lak = Vulkahnsu, "love at first sight"
* "S'ti th'laktra" = Vulkhansu, "I grieve with thee"
