I know I had you wait too much.
I've just been thinking a lot lately, about my fics.
A lot of people look at them, a lot of people read. But almost nobody is reviewing.
So, first, I want to thank my (few) loyal followers. You always spend two minutes to send me an opinion, a critique and I really appreciate it.
For the others... I want to share this teaching.
Last day of college, my philosophy teacher gave us a wonderful speech. Here's the recap:
No matter what you'll do in your life, no matter which job you'll choose or you'll be able to do; what really matters is that you put your heart in it, that you put people first. Be generous with yourself.
So guys, that's what I want to say.
Almost 500 people are reading this but I get 5 reviews (and the same with WHYSAN).
Be generous with your opinions and let me know what you think!
I write as I like it, but I share to have comments, bad and good.
Friendship is like a yo-yo.
It brings you as close to another person as you can be.
But it can push you far away, in a blink.
That's because we put higher expectations in the people we love.
We don't accept failures, we don't accept mistakes.
And when it happens we go in denial, we put everything in discussion.
We watch the disks slip down the string… and we don't know if we want it to wind up.
Meredith opened her eyes, her arm stretched lazily upon her head on the pillow. For a moment she felt confused, not recognizing the surrounding room and house.
Then it all came back to her.
This was her house, their house; she smiled remembering the previous evening: the dinner, the visit, the romance, the cuddling under their brand new covers. She rolled on her side to look for Derek and frowned realizing his side of the bed was empty. She propped herself up on one elbow and looked around, stroking her scalp and yawning.
"Derek" she called out.
Nobody answered and her voice pealed through the house. She snorted and pushed her legs out of the bed "you're better not to be out fishing somewhere..." she muttered under her breath, wearing her nightgown and entering the bathroom.
The window was open and the air chilly. She closed it, admiring the view through the glass, her nose touching the cold surface.
"You're up" Derek's voice sounded behind her back and she turned around, seeing him leaning against the doorframe. He was wearing just his black jeans, his hair was still tousled, sign he hadn't woken up much before. He was barefoot and shirtless, a light beard peppered his cheeks and Meredith smiled to him.
"Yeah... I opened my eyes and realized you were gone" she pouted and Derek giggled, closing the space between the two of them. He took her face in his hands and caressed her tenderly.
"I'm sorry... I just wanted to let you sleep" he said quietly, his breath fanning her face and flushing her skin. Meredith got almost lost in his blue hypnotic eyes. "And I wanted to cook you a royal breakfast"
"Really?" she asked, biting her lip, her eyes sparkling in excitement.
"Yes" he smirked " and I see the topic appeals you more than your half naked husband"
"I'm just hungry" she mumbled innocently and her stomach chose that moment to protest and confirm her assessment. Derek looked down to her belly arching his brow and Meredith smiled "see?"
"Ok" he nodded, kissing the top of her head "you do what you needed to do and I'll go downstairs to collect our food, ok?"
"Ok"
Derek patted her bump and left, providing Meredith a full look of his amazing back side. She snorted and waved her hands in front of her face to produce an artificial wind, she really needed to cool down.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" she hissed, feeling her face flushing. Her whole body was boiling and she opened the window, trying to catch some fresh air. She closed her eyes, the noise of the wind rushing and moving the top of the trees relaxed her and she felt better.
"Meredith?"
"Still in the bathroom..." she answered. She heard a thud when the tray landed on a nightstand and then feet patting on the floor. She was still trying to catch her breath when a warm arm sneaked around her waist and Derek pulled her back against his chest.
"Are you ok?" he whispered in her ear, his voice soft and concerned.
"I think I'm going to menopause"
"What?" he asked giggling and flipping her to face him "you're pregnant, Mer. You can't be in menopause"
"How do you explain this then?" she spat, hitting his chest and pointing to her cleavage, still red and blushed.
"Well..." Derek trailed off, giving her body an appreciative look "your pressure is probably a bit high, Mer. It's normal"
"No, it's not" she scorned, storming out of the room, trying to close her gown in front of her chest "I feel like I'm busting" she breathed out, collapsing onto the bed.
"Hey..." Derek said gently, sitting beside her and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear "take it easy, Mer" she rolled her eyes but he continued "you're due in a couple of weeks and your body is preparing to the big event. I know it can be uncomfortable but... There's nothing wrong with you"
"I just feel..." she stopped and looked away, ashamed of what she was going to say. Derek took her chin and turned her face gently, their eyes locking, his fingers petting her cheeks delicately.
"I feel the same, Mer. And I'm not nine months pregnant" he whispered, his nose and forehead touching hers.
"Really?" she asked shyly, reading the answer in his gaze but needing to hear those words said out loud.
"Really..." he said. "Call it passion... Call it you're too damned sexy... Call it we lost a lot of time lately... I just want to kiss you all the time"
"Kiss me..." she repeated, her eyes closed, her mouth searching his.
"Kiss you" he mumbled. His palm slipped behind her neck and he pulled her closer. His lips found hers and a little moan of pleasure left her body. Meredith's hands circled his waist and she melted in the feeling of his naked, warm skin under her fingertips. Derek pulled back and smiled to her "kiss you and a lot of other stuff, Mer"
"I love the other stuff" she said caressing his shoulders, her eyes focusing on his hair "and I really love the sex hair"
"Sex hair?" he asked, his eyes narrowing in surprise "I thought I had arranged it this morning"
"Probably you did but..." she chuckled, her fingers moving in his curls "it was not enough"
"I'll deal with it later... Now I just want to take care of you and be sure you're fine"
"I'm now" she breathed out "the hot flush passed... I'm good"
Derek stood and approached her nightstand, picking up a small tube of pills and shaking it. Meredith's face fell as he looked to her in disappointment.
"According to your gyn's prescription... this should be over, Mer"
"Well I guess I forgot to take it some morning" she said rolling her eyes and adjusting her back against the headboard. She settled the pillows and sank against them, avoiding Derek's stare.
"And this could be probably the reason why you're so tired. And why your hormones are dancing all day" he said quietly, sitting beside her. Meredith was stubbornly avoiding his eyes and Derek smiled, tilting his head to the side "I know you don't want me to hover"
"So don't do it" she spat, her eyes down on her lap.
"I just want you to feel good and relaxed, Meredith. And I'm just scared you're stressing yourself too much"
"I'm fine" she said, finally looking up. "I forgot my vitamins twice... It's not the end of the world"
"Ok" he acknowledged smiling. He stood and rounded the bed, picking up the tray and lying beside her. "I hope this didn't turn cold" he said, itching his finger in the pancake and sucking the marmalade off it. He looked up and saw Meredith looking thunderstruck to him. "What?" he asked innocently.
"You're an ass" she said bitterly, closing her arms across her chest and trying to focus on the furniture, her temperature starting to raise all over again.
"What?" Derek asked, his mouth agape. "What's wrong with you?" he added, amused by her temperamental behavior.
"You're trying to sex me up all over again" she muttered quietly, starting to bite her lower lip at the end of the sentence "so much of relaxing me…"
"Mer… I didn't. I just wanted to check our breakfast!" he protested, trying to control his hilarity.
"Yes… sticking your finger in it and licking it all in the sexiest way ever…" she pouted, moving ahead and stripping down to her silk slip. "Why is it so hot in here?" she mumbled, trying to get rid of the garment which had entangled around her wrist.
"As you're stressed out …" he said helping her out of the sleeve. "And I didn't mean to turn you on…"
"Lucky me… imagine if you did want to turn me on. I'd be on fire right now" she said, blowing some hair away from her mouth. "So… can I still eat that?" she asked, pointing to the rich plate Derek had prepared for her.
"Of course" he said pushing the tray towards her "Choose whatever you want. I'll go with the rest"
"Ok" she said, stroking her chin thoughtfully. Derek couldn't help but smile seeing the cute expression on her face. Meredith was really living a dilemma in front of the variety of food he had set on the tray: pancakes, cheesecake, milk, cereals, cheese, fruit. He could almost hear her brain working to make the choice.
"Mer…" he prodded her.
"I just don't know where to start from…" she pouted, unable to decide.
"Ok…" Derek smiled, picking up a strawberry and placing it into his mouth. Meredith's eyes narrowed at the sight of his jaw moving and chewing the sappy fruit "not so bad" he stated, grabbing another strawberry and swallowing it. "You know… I found this fruit seller three blocks from the hospital… he always has fresh stuff… it's amazing"
"I see" she said with poor enthusiasm while Derek continued serving himself.
"I was thinking to settle a vegetable garden somewhere…"
"A what?" Meredith almost yelled, looking down to her husband.
"A vegetable garden…" he repeated, smiling "you know apple… pear trees… tomatoes, salad … My mother used to have one behind our house in Manhattan and… I learnt to manage it… to grow trees and everything. What do you think?" he asked winking.
"I think you're going crazy with this land owner thing..." she said rolling her eyes and finally picking up a pancake "we're going to have a baby, Derek. Probably two babies. Sleepless nights and exhausting days... Do you really think you can grow stuff in the garden?"
"Well... It could be fun" he smiled, looking up to her.
"Like you want" she breathed out, chewing her breakfast "but just to be clear... I don't even want to know when you place that stuff"
"Ok..."
"And I won't accept tiredness as an excuse not to have sex with me" she stated firmly, pointing a finger to his chest.
"When did it happen that I didn't want to have sex with you?" he asked amused, watching her eating.
"Well... I don't remember. But there's gonna be a first time to everything so... Just to be clear... I tell you" she said licking her fingers and attacking an apple.
"Ok..." he smiled, straightening up and kissing her cheek. "It's better I dress up now"
He stood and Meredith watched him marching into his closet. He came out seconds later wearing a shirt, a pair of socks in his fingers. "What time are you on?" he asked, adjusting his clothes.
"2 p.m. ... It's my last day" she said breathing out and Derek got she was worried and nervous about the idea. He sat by her side on the bed and brushed her cheek quietly.
"We'll make it special, ok?" he muttered, locking eyes with her.
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing" he shrugged "I'll put you on my service and we'll have surgery together"
"Really?" she inquired, her eyes narrowing in hope and excitement.
"Really..." he kissed her cheek "I have nothing scheduled so... I can't promise you anything fancy but... We'll find something"
"Ok" she breathed out, thankful. The idea not to spend the whole day in the pit or in the clinic appealed her a lot.
"Then I'll wait for you and we'll drive home together..." he whispered close to her ear.
"Mmm"
"I'll cook you dinner and there will be a lot of cuddling" his nose touched her neck and Meredith shivered.
"Is that all?" she prodded him, her voice low and sensual. Her eyes met his gaze and she saw the mischievous spark, his Adam's apple rolled in his throat and Meredith got lost in his perfect features.
"We'll see" he said, a promise lingering in his tone. His cell beeped and they both straightened up. Derek took it out of his back pocket and scrolled to read the message. There was no reaction on his face and Meredith prodded him.
"Our shiny case?" she asked, careful to his reaction.
"No..." he breathed out to collect himself and then gave her a small smile "Janet asked me an appointment in the late morning to discuss my papers"
"Oh" Meredith backed against the bed, worry raising in the pit of her stomach. "Just you?" she asked. Derek took her hand and their fingers interlocked.
"Yeah... She said she wanted to meet us separately, you remember?"
"I do..."
Derek leant in and kissed her.
"It's going to be fine, Mer" he said caressing her cheek. "See you at the hospital after lunch?"
"Ok" she smiled. Her face was tensed thought, Derek could see the news of his interview had clouded her spirit. He wanted to stop and reassure her, but the truth was that he was nervous himself. He didn't know how deep Janet would dig into his life and he was feeling the pressure.
"It's fine to be nervous, Mer. I'm too" he offered, smiling seeing her relaxing a bit.
"You'll do great..." she tapped his face "Now go... I'll eat my ass off before coming" she said picking up a sandwich and biting it. Derek giggled and stood.
"I'll call you in an hour or so..." he said picking up his briefcase from the floor "just in case you fall asleep on that five people breakfast"
"This is just a snack, Derek" she purred, chewing a slice of bread energetically.
"Enjoy it... I love you" he added before leaving.
Owen was sitting at his desk, his messy and overwhelmed with papers desk. Someone knocked and he gave his permission to come in without even asking who the visitor, or the disturber seeing the choice of timing, was.
"Chief Hunt..."
He chuckled recognizing Cristina's voice and straightened up against the backrest of his chair.
"Good morning" he greeted her standing and rounding the desk to hug her "Did you sleep well?" he asked, circling her waist with both hands.
"More or less" she muttered, locking eyes with him. Owen frowned and Cristina rolled her eyes. "You talked all night long..."
"I don't talk in my sleep" he protested, tilting his head to the side.
"You do" she insisted. "I didn't get much of your speech as I was too groggy but... You were mumbling something about budgets and financial crap"
"You're taking fun of me" Owen offered, silently hoping the stress he had been feeling in the last days hadn't really affected his sleep.
"I'm not" Cristina argued back, smiling noticing Owen's awkwardness. "I had to kick you several times to shut you up"
"Kick me?" he asked, his lips twitching upwards.
"Kick you... Very hard" she added winking "I'd be surprised if I didn't leave any sign on your calf" she arched her brows quizzically and Owen read her request.
"Well... I was actually a little bit sore this morning and... found a bruise right over my ankle but..." he stuttered, trying to order his ideas "I just thought it was the long surgery I had performed in the morning"
"To give you bruises?" Cristina giggled "To be a trauma guy you have considerable confusion about traumatic injuries and muscular stress" Owen giggled, massaging his neck, and Cristina went on teasing him. "Unless..." she trailed off, licking her lip and smiling, pausing to create the proper suspense.
"What?"
"Unless some hot nurse played footsie with you during surgery..." she winked, snaking her arm around his waist and patting his abdomen "and you thought you knew what the bruise was about" she looked up to him mischievously and Owen grinned "so... Getting the perks of being chief already?"
"No" he tilted his head and kissed her lips quickly "I have no mistress around the hospital, don't worry"
"I'm not worried"
"And you're too much to handle already..." he added smiling.
"Light weight..." she joked, hitting his chest playfully and taking a careful look to his desk "You know... I get the reason of your nightmares now" she said sinking her hands in the lab-coat pockets and circling the desk to get a better view "you're drowning in papers here"
"Yeah" he breathed out, stroking his eyes tiredly "I just don't know where to start from to read this crap and... The more I wait the worse it gets"
"I see" she muttered, her eyes narrowing reading something about safety procedures and federal sanitarian protocols "you're building yourself a culture here"
"I'm surely working on it..." Owen rounded the table and sat on the edge, placing himself between Cristina and the papers. She was standing between his legs and he pulled her towards him "So am I forgiven for the rough night?"
"You're... Just as I would go nuts if I had to read this stuff instead of cutting... It must be hard"
"I'll come to terms with it..." he said breathing out "I guess it's just the beginning... Then it will go better"
"We'll see" she said, passing her palm in his scalp "Your hair is getting long"
"I know... I just couldn't find the time to go and cut it off" he said stroking his cheeks "I barely shaved this morning..."
"You look good anyway" she said smirking, sensing short and bristly hairs beneath her fingertips "you're a hot Chief"
"Thank you but... I don't think the Board hired me to look hot... and this brings me back to my duties" he muttered sitting in his chair and looking down to make order in the documents. "Have you some good case?"
"No" she breathed out, circling the table and standing in front of him "Altman waits for me in a couple of hours but... till then I'm on post ops" she shrugged, picking her cell out of her scrub pants and taping a message.
"This is Meredith's last day, isn't it?" Owen asked looking at her.
"It is" Cristina confirmed "and this is her..." she added, her eyes never leaving the screen and the little keyboard.
"Everything is ok?" he asked concerned, perfectly remembering Derek and the way the previous day had finished.
"Heavenly apparently..." Cristina said putting her phone back in place "Shepherd show her the new house in the woods and she's enthusiastic"
"Really?" Owen asked arching his brow "Have you ever been there?"
"No... Not yet. But Meredith says I have my own room" she added smirking, leaving Owen stunned.
"Your what?" he frowned.
"My room..." she said smugly, leaning across his desk and teasing his nose "with a private bathroom and a private closet"
"Stunning" Owen remarked, relaxing on his seat.
"And a two size bed just for me..."
"Uhm"
"No nasty boyfriends to keep me awake in the middle of the night chatting" she suggested, tracing her finger on his mouth.
"No boyfriend at all..." Owen answered grinning "and a newborn soon as roommate"
Cristina straightened up, stroking her chin absent minded.
"I hadn't considered that..." she muttered under her breath.
"See?" Owen said relaxing in his chair "this boyfriend has still his perks..." he added smugly but Cristina froze him.
"I wasn't talking about that!"
"Excuse me?" Owen stammered, amused.
"I need to make sure Shepherd sound proved the walls" she said turning on her heels "and I think I'm doing it now" she said waving her hand to greet him and disappearing. Owen chuckled when the door shut closed, he followed her silhouette while she crossed the catwalk walking like a leopard in the jungle. Flawless, in control, confident, her head high.
With this image still in his brain, he tried to focus on his documents but the peace and quiet were short lived as someone else had thought to pay him a visit.
"What now..." he coursed under his breath rubbing his temples "Come in" he called out raising his head and welcoming Richard into the office.
"Hunt..." Richard greeted him closing the door behind his back.
"Webber... What can I do for you?" Owen asked, sighing pushing the papers aside. There was no way he could go through all that stuff by the end of the day. Richard sat in front of him, his fingers playing with the hem of his coat nervously.
"Well…" he started, his eyes darting across the room "I think I cut our conversation prematurely yesterday…" his eyes bored into Owen's and Webber cleared his throat "I think you were right about the idea of doing something. Even if I don't know what you were talking about" he offered.
"I had nothing prepared, Richard. Really…" he answered, rolling his fingers lazily "I just thought we could deal with it in some way… I don't know which but… something" he added, reading confusion on the former Chief's face. "Ok… I probably wasn't that clear…" he stuttered.
"Not really" Richard smiled, waiting for Hunt to take the lead of the conversation.
"Well…" Owen started, fumbling with the papers on his desk and moving folders aside "I read somewhere that… when a violation occurs or we have to deal with a case which raises problems or complains, you used to organize a meeting… a conference"
"That's correct… that's what the inner protocol suggests" he confirmed, moving his chin and pointing to a big, orange dossier resting on the corner of the desk, buried under a pile of surgical reports. Owen pulled it out snorting and noticed a little colored bookmark poking out of the pages. He flipped the folder open and read what had caught his attention.
"We could organize one…" Hunt's eyes moved up, focusing on Richard "let Shepherd explain what happened. Let him give his reasons and explications, let you give yours, let the others understand Meredith's position. Especially after what happened yesterday" he offered softly, perfectly knowing what he was suggesting would difficultly meet his agreement and approval.
"So you're basically asking me to spread news about my private life… is it correct?" Webber asked, his eyes boring into his.
Hunt sighed, he had to admit the perspective didn't look so appealing. But Webber's recap had been inaccurate and his last purpose was to dig into the private lives of his co-workers.
"It's not really that, Webber" he said, shifting his weight on the chair "but we can't deny something happened and this something changed everything in here. Now… I don't know how we can deal with your wife's disease, if we can deal with it, but I think we have to explain what happened to Shepherd's trial, why he was blackmailed, why he stepped down, why Meredith came back. Not to everybody… just the heads of the departments"
"The people who were fighting Derek and Meredith" Richard finished for him.
"Mostly…" Owen admitted, taking a deep breath.
"What does Derek think about this?" Richard asked.
"I haven't really told him yet, Webber" he admitted truthfully. "I just wanted to know what you thought about this before telling him… He lived rough days… this is a delicate situation and I don't want to stress things more"
"I understand but… I'm not so sure he'll go with this" he said frankly. "Anyway you're right… we need to do something…"
"And I'm ready to accept suggestions if you have any…" Owen said opening his arms. "I know it's a mess and… I just want to find the best way to deal with it"
"We all do" Richard mumbled, looking out of the window.
"How is your wife by the way?" Hunt asked quietly. He wasn't that close to Richard but the scene he had witnessed allowed him to make that question, gave him the chance to be concerned without being nosy or impudent.
"Fine… she doesn't remember anything of what she said or did and…" he breathed out "I just don't know if she ever will"
"Maybe it's better like this" Owen offered, realizing she would be ashamed to say it mild.
"Probably… I'm just scared she would repeat the same scene all over again" he admitted smiling bitterly. "And last thing I want is to expose her and others to this eventuality" he muttered lowering his eyes.
Owen took in a deep breath sensing Webber's awkwardness. This situation had really changed and crushed the man he had learnt to know in the last year. It felt bad, it was painful, and he was sure the hospital staff could be much more supportive if given the chance.
"You know, Webber…" he said straightening up, his forearm splayed on the desk and his fingers started to play with a pen, abandoned there "Adele is sick and that's the only thing you need to worry about. The rest… the people working here, even Derek and Meredith, shouldn't be of your concern right now. They love you, they respect you. Nothing will never change this. On the contrary… I know it's difficult but you have to start to consider your wife as a sick woman, who sometimes loses control, who sometimes loses touch of reality. Nobody will blame her or you for this. You shouldn't do either"
"I don't, actually" he said breathing out, raising his eyes "it's just that everything happened so fast… I wasn't ready. I let emotions slip in and I made a mess. I let others pay for me, I let others risk for me. And you're right… it's time everybody knows that"
"I don't want you to make public amend, Webber. This is not really my purpose" Owen said gently "Nobody here is in the position to judge"
Richard silenced briefly, his eyes darted across the room and then he chuckled, raising Owen's curiousness.
"Do you remember the lecture Derek organized me?" Webber asked, a small smile stretching on his lips.
"Of course I do" Owen admitted, a strong emotion and warmth spreading in his heart at the memory "it was one of the most touching thing I've ever witnessed and…" he trailed off "it's still ringing in my head"
"It's what Derek wanted, you know" Richard said smiling, breathing out. "I was going to leave and he found the only way to stop me. He made me feel part of this hospital again, he made me feel wanted and important and… I just couldn't leave"
Owen swallowed, getting another piece of the strange and complicated relationship that bound these two men. Father to son, friend to friend, boss to employee, sometimes enemy to enemy. All in once. All overwhelming and powerful. They really knew each other and their destinies seemed to melt and crush in impossible ways.
Derek had pushed Richard off the cliff reporting him. It had taken away his career and job but, now Hunt really understood, ambition hadn't been the force arming his hand. Not the primary force, anyway. It was a mix of feelings, the need to do something after several trials had failed. And after the spats, the fights, the upsetting and difficult situation he had put himself into, appearing as the usurper, after the rage and regret Richard had reversed on him, Derek had found the way to show him the target, to show him the affection and sympathy he could earn back.
"It was amazing, Webber. I'm not very fond of words and speeches but… it really struck me"
"That was the purpose, I guess" he nodded thoughtful "and in the end we all renewed the oath" he looked up, a flash of sadness crossing her features "I betrayed that judgment" he said casting his yes down.
"Excuse me?" Owen inquired, frowning.
A bad feeling spread in his chest when Webber looked at him, a bad sensation. The former chief looked pretty upset.
"Last time I told you about an extraordinary case… I found myself facing a new, horrible disease I didn't know how to treat, how to face, I didn't even know how to call it. But I had taken an oath and I wanted to honor it. This time things went in the opposite way and I should be ashamed to talk to other doctors"
"Webber…" Owen tried to stop him but Richard cut him off.
"This time I knew what I was facing, I knew the rules… I helped to make those rules myself so… I think I disregarded everything I had tried to defense in my life …"
"I think you're being too harsh with yourself. And I also think that people here don't want to make justice or punish you for what happened. They just want to know… and we should satisfy this desire… It would help everyone I guess…"
"Mmm…" Richard mumbled, backing against his chair, his fingers playing in his lap "I'm not that sure Derek will accept to explain himself and his choices in front of everyone… and I'm not so sure we should go behind his back with this" Webber added knowingly.
"I'll talk to him, Richard. No surprises here. I want to give this a proper closure not to bother someone…"
"Right…" Richard nodded and stood, giving Hunt a small smile "Let me know when you get it covered"
"I will" Owen smiled, his eyes moving down on his abandoned papers, a sigh escaping his mouth.
"I leave you to your documents and… that stays between the two of us… I don't miss it a bit" he winked at Owen and the younger doctor chuckled.
"Yeah… see you in half an hour at the morning briefing?" Owen asked, straightening his tie.
"Of course, chief"
It was time Derek didn't use his private office as locker room.
Several months, actually.
It was one of Dr. Wyatt's prescriptions.
"So what do you think I should do?" he asked, rubbing his temples to relieve the pressure in his brain.
"I don't have all answers, Derek" the shrink answered, playing with a frame on her desk. "And the answers I feed to most of my patients could not be recommended for you"
"I think I can take that risk…" he muttered, opening his eyes and staring at the rain falling profusely. He pinched his nose, trying to relax, but it didn't help. Somehow Dr. Wyatt always reduced him into an emotional wreck.
"But I can't, Derek" she retorted quickly, piercing him with a sharp gaze which almost had him flinch on the couch. "Your stress is developing in unexpected ways. And I'm not a wizard or a cheap doctor who will offer you a placebo not to get involved in the great mess. I think you wouldn't appreciate me if I did. Would you?"
"No" Derek admitted quietly, feeling nauseous at the perspective of the new, incessant questioning dr. Wyatt was going to invest him with.
"Fine… since we agree… I want you to tell me which are your concerns about going back doing your job" she asked, her voice calm and firm.
Unfortunately Derek wasn't nursing the same feelings at the moment. He had agreed to go in therapy, he liked Dr. Wyatt, he had survived a lot of sessions up to now, but he really couldn't get rid of the sense of violation, violence, constriction which was flowing in his veins even now. He sighed, opening his eyes and observing the minimal furniture adorning the shrink's study. It had probably been organized not to distract the patient, not to give the patient reasons of distraction. If you had accepted to go counseling, you needed to answer, no matter how hard and complicated the question was.
He heard a dull noise coming from the corner of the room and his gaze moved there. Dr. Wyatt was tapping her fingers on the desk, looking at him, cautiously but intensely. It was the last warning and Derek braced himself to reveal her more of his fears.
"What if I can't stand the sight of blood anymore?" he asked, more to himself that to her. His fingertips rubbed his lips lazily and then he closes his eyes, trying to fight a wave of nausea.
"Good point… actually I can't really understand how you can do your job without throwing up every time… but… you said you wouldn't be facing hard cases at the beginning. Just paper work… teaching"
"What if they need a consult in the pit or in the OR?" he said, locking eyes with her "What if I freak out?"
"Then you'll know" dr. Wyatt added softly, getting his worries "You know, Derek, unfortunately there is no safety, no certainty after the trauma you experienced. You could be bothered or you could not, you could be scared all the time and you could not. We can't know if you don't leap"
"That's not really relaxing, don't you think?" he mumbled, shifting on the couch.
"At all" Dr. Wyatt asserted, standing and approaching him "but it's what we've got and what we need to work on" she sat beside him and Derek looked up when the pillows gave in under her weight "I can't give you answers… unfortunately I can't. I just can try to give you tools to process your emotions, to hold them in control, to let you understand when it's better to let them slip in. But there's no plot here, Derek. You need to be true to me and I'm happy you are… even if it means you're questioning the possibility to go back to your life and profession"
"It wouldn't make sense if I came here and lied to you… or just hid stuff" Derek admitted almost helplessly. He hated being in therapy, but he had agreed to it and there was no point in shuffling the cards.
"I'm happy to hear that... you know, there was a time I wouldn't have given this as assumed"
"Excuse me?" Derek asked stunned. Somehow he had fooled himself he could hide and dissimulate better than this.
"It was clear, Derek. You only started to trust me a couple of sessions ago" he looked away, ashamed, but Dr. Wyatt didn't look bothered, at all "It's fine. You needed to weight me and, more than that, you needed to really acquire the awareness you need this. Now you know… it won't be easier but it will feel more natural and less awkward"
"If you say so" he breathed out, massaging his thighs in order to busy his hands.
"I do… So now… let's go ahead. There are a lot of things you need to face blindly, Derek. Will you be scared of blood? I don't know. Let's try it. But there must be others things we can work on…" she offered. Derek felt her eyes burning his skin and snorted.
"I'm scared when I have a lot of people around… I feel trapped and… I don't know" he sighed and waited for the shrink's medicine.
"Is it when you're among strangers or it happens even if you know the people around you?"
Derek opened his mouth to answer, but he stopped realizing the sentence he was going to utter was not completely accurate. He didn't know what to say actually. He had never tried to isolate the two eventualities.
"I just… I've never analyzed the two things separately" he admitted quietly.
"Why not?"
"Well… I work in a hospital. People come and go everywhere. I was… I'm scared, that's all"
"What if you are in a room with your colleagues? Are you scared?" she asked and Derek surprised himself not knowing the answer.
"I don't know. It has never happened up to now"
"Where do you change in the morning?" Dr. Wyatt enquired, locking eyes with him.
"In my office. It's… it's just me there"
"Oh… you have a fancy, private office. I didn't know that…" she said, trying to lighten the mood and Derek chuckled.
"It's everything but fancy. It's a four square meters room with a private bathroom. No windows"
The shrink flinched at his description, a grimace of disgust painted her face.
"And how can you use it without being claustrophobic?" she asked, arching her brows.
"I like the quiet, the privacy. If you had seen the attending lounge, you wouldn't be surprised I prefer my little office" he chuckled.
"Probably… but… since we're trying to understand how you react to people and crowded places, I think you should leave your warm cocoon and jump into the lounge again" she suggested. Derek squirmed on the leather but she didn't bail. "See how you feel in a known place, with friendly people surrounding you"
Derek didn't say anything, his eyes rested on her and Dr. Wyatt got he was trying to find his way out of that.
"It's a training, Derek. See how you feel. Sometimes you just need to re-educate yourself to be a social animal… Share spaces, share rooms. Being on your own won't help you to feel comfortable among others again"
She smiled to him and stood, circling her desk and sitting behind it. She put on her glasses and scribbled something on his file, leaving Derek in his own thoughts. Usually this was the sign of the end of the session. And Derek didn't lose time to say hi and disappear, but this time it was different, it was like he was fearing the homework she had assigned him. She set her pen down and looked to him from above her glasses.
"Everything is fine?"
"Yeah" he breathed out, standing. He straightened and adjusted his jeans, his demeanor didn't express calmness though.
"I know leaving an airy and bright office for a petty one can be hard sometimes…" she joked, raising Derek's amusement. She watched the smile fading from his face and got serious herself. Maybe she had pushed him too much. "Take your time with this, Derek. If you're not ready today, it will be tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow"
"Or the day after or the after after again" he muttered, raising his eyes to meet hers. There was something strange and new in his look. Dr. Wyatt saw it flickering briefly and then disappearing. For the first time, she had difficulties to place the feeling, to classify it. It was a mixture of a lot of things. Usually dr. Shepherd's eyes were more eloquent than his tongue, this time they hadn't been her alleys completely.
"Rushing you into things could make more damage than good in this moment" the shrink explained gently.
"I know… but we need to find a compromise between my never and your now" he breathed out, walking towards the exit. He gripped the knob and pulled the door open. The noises and lights of the hospital hallway invested him and he flinched, surprised in an unpleasant way. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in.
"I think I'll make this my office when I become Chief" he said, his lids still closed, his forehead leaning against the wooden surface.
"That would be mean…" Wyatt commented. "My fishes would die without light" she eyed her bubbly fish tank, arching her brows.
"I'll keep the fishes… Might even put some trout in there" he said closing the door behind his back.
The plunge into the promiscuous and overcrowded lounge had been rough. Derek remembered he had spent the first days flinching at every little noise, hiss, squeak. Then the awkwardness had disappeared and he had found it natural to keep dressing and undressing there. Till today.
It was not for the aftermath of the fight with his colleagues. It was more to avoid curious glances and embarrassing questions about Adele and her outburst. If they wanted to know, they had at least to find the nerve and ask him openly.
He tossed his sweater and shirt on the chair in the corner of his office. He pulled up his pants and socks, scattered on the floor, and hang them on the backrest. That wasn't a rack but it was better than leaving everything on the ground. A sudden thought crossed his mind and he sighed. Janet was supposed to meet him in the cafeteria but, seriously, he couldn't think they would talk and discuss an adoption there. What if she wanted to retire in the private of his office? He took a look around. It was seriously not an option. His desk was covered in papers and documents. All the three chairs were swamped with stuff. Books, clothes, magazines. He really needed to use an hour or so to make order in that mess. That wasn't the moment but he needed to find a spot in his busy schedule. He had never been that disordered before. He raked a hand in his hair and picked up the folder Janet had given him. He left the room before the guilt prevailed and he started to fix the confusion. He looked down to his wristwatch quickly, he still had fifteen minutes before the attending meeting with Hunt. There was no time to head to the cafeteria, at this time it was overcrowded with doctors who wanted to have a proper breakfast after the night shift. The attending lounge was off limits for the same reasons he had avoided it before. He rounded the corner and breathed out realizing the vending machine was desert and so was the surrounding area. He fished a coin out of his labcoat and inserted it, pressing on the black coffee selection. After some second a whistle warned him his drink was ready and fuming. Derek picked it up and sank in the most remote arm chair, careful to hide from the passing by doctors and nurses. He smelled the fragrance and relaxed, opening the folder on his knees. His legs stretched lazily under the little table. It wasn't a put together position but he didn't care. The steamy night with Meredith had left signs and remnants in his body. His muscles ached, his back ached, but his lips twitched upwards reliving the moments they had spent together and the funny moments of their breakfast. Meredith had liked the house, he was sure. She had been positively impressed and surprised and a heavy weight had been relieved from his stomach. Probably she would suggest some change but the general impression had been good and Derek couldn't wait to move all their stuff there. Unfortunately, he knew it was probably wiser to wait after the baby was born. The house was too far from the civil world and Meredith couldn't wait there to go in labor, it would get too much time to reach the hospital. The problem was that Derek hadn't told her yet, the reveal would probably take place in the evening, after their shift, so he had all the day to prepare her and sweeten the pill.
He took a sip of his coffee and his eyes focused on the questions he had answered the day before. Janet was right, it was a mix of everything a person would want to know to get in touch with you. Spacing from general stuff to very personal and private information. His pen had stopped abruptly on the lines he was supposed to talk, better write, about his aggression. His mind had first refused to do it, had suggested him to ignore the event and skip it. But then he had thought better and set the idea aside. He didn't know how much Karen had told about them and he didn't want to run the risk of hiding stuff.
How much saying and if revealing had been a recurrent topic in the last two days. In his head, it had been. The heart to heart speech he had entertained with Meredith had awakened the same problem in his brain all over again. They had poured their hearts out, they had been totally sincere, even on themes and episodes not so easy to deal with. Yet, Derek hadn't been able to talk to her about those minutes in the elevator. And he was sure it had nothing to do with her anymore. It was just about him and the fears and hesitations he had been nursing and was nursing despite the months passing by.
They were still there, alert. Ready to explode if triggered.
And Derek had spent months to understand it, he had taken weeks to admit it, but now everything looked painfully clear. And he felt embarrassed. Ashamed, that was the right word. He had discovered where his flashbacks came from, he had understood when the bad memories jumped out of the closet and gripped his heart. Only this same discovery was painful. And the mere thought to disclose them to dr. Wyatt, to let her know this… it made him sick to his stomach.
To be true, he knew she had perceived something. He had read it in her strict and enquiring look. But she hadn't asked for the same reason he hadn't talked. This wasn't something she could prod him to share. It was on him and he had delayed the feeling till it had been possible. Now it was time. Nine months after the trauma, it was time to talk out one of the most delicate side of it. He needed to process it, he needed to get over it. He needed to say it out loud to make it real and, possibly, eradicate it then.
"Ladies…"
Mark greeted his colleagues entering the conference room. It was almost desert even if the minute hands showed five minutes to the meeting time. He poured himself a generous cup of coffee and turned around, meeting Teddy's and Callie's look.
"Do you want some, girls?" a wide smile stretched his lips and Teddy arched her brow.
"Not for me, thank you" she answered politely.
"Yes, please" Callie said enthusiastically "with a spot of milk and two sugar cubes" she smirked. Mark set the two cups on a tray and sat beside her, serving her the hot drink.
"Here you go, Torres"
"Thank you, Sloan"
They raised their cups simultaneously and toasted, raising Teddy's puzzlement.
"How are you always so happy, guys?" she inquired, toying with her cell phone.
"Love lifts me, Altman" Mark said smugly, causing Callie to choke on her coffee. He patted her back and she set the cup down , coughing.
"I'm fine, now. Really…" she mumbled, eyeing him suspiciously.
"Good… where's your wife?"
"She's coming, I guess. She had to check on her patients" Callie took a little mirror out of her pocket and started to inspect her looks. She spotted a flaw of her makeup and snorted, she picked up a towel and tried to adjust it.
"I didn't remember you're so vain, Torres" Mark said taking a croissant from the tray.
"I'm not. But I hate looking shabby. And the mascara melting on my cheek isn't glamorous"
"Probably not… but I admire how women sacrifice their time to look gorgeous and impeccable even in the morning" he smirked. "Robbins must be proud…"
"She hates this" Callie said drily, raising Mark's astonishment "she hates makeup and everything which is artificial"
"Why?" Teddy asked, not raising her eyes from the screen.
"As she's naturally beautiful and thinks we can all be like that" she muttered, fixing her eyelashes.
"I'd be out of work if she was right" Mark said grinning "but I think she's right. You're sexy even without a layer of war paint on your face"
"That's because you don't see me in the morning, Mark"
"Well… not lately but…." He arched his brow suggestively and Torres sent him a deathly glare.
"Are you seriously bringing this up now?" she scorned, hiding the mirror in her labcoat.
"No… just remembering the good times" he said smugly.
"I'm not sure they were so good" Callie spat back, raising Teddy's laughter and Mark's pout.
"Oh come on… we never regret our past, Callie" Mark said bitterly.
"Sometimes I think we should" Mark sighed and rolled his eyes and Torres patted his arm "we just go through so many moments in our lives, Mark. I didn't regret what I did but… that doesn't mean I would do it again"
"Of course…" he admitted quietly "I was just cracking jokes and I wanted to let you know you're still a sexy bomb"
"Thank you" Callie smiled this time. She waved her head and her black and thick hair spread on her shoulders.
"Did you dye your hair?" Teddy asked her, noticing a red reflection she hadn't noticed before.
"Yes" Torres smiled brightly "I felt all gloomy and I wanted to brighten my appearance a bit"
"It suits you…"
"Thank you"
"Dark and blond. You and Robbins break the bank" Mark mumbled, polishing the sugar off his hands.
"I know… Even if I think her beaming face adds more than my Spanish and Latin one" she said altering her voice to make it deep and equal to her native dialect.
"What is that?" Teddy asked grimacing.
"Her natural speech" Mark smirked "she uses that a lot when she freaks out"
"I rarely freak out" she said hitting his arm playfully. A noise caught their attention and Callie turned around, smiling brightly seeing Arizona entering the room.
"Hey" she greeted them.
"Hey"
"Didn't you spare me a sit?" Robbins asked her girlfriend.
"Oh yes… Mark was about to shift his ass" Callie said pushing him away.
"Ok…" he said standing and changing sit "Is here ok or do I have to go outside?" he joked.
"Do whatever you like" Callie dismissed him, her eyes locked with Arizona "everything ok in the department?"
"Totally" Arizona confirmed, her eyes bright. "And I met the others on my way in. They should arrive soon"
"Good…" Teddy breathed out staffing her cell in the front pocket of her labcoat "I hate these morning meetings"
"Well… so you hate your job. We spend half of our time in meetings, Teddy" Mark pointed out, silencing when Owen, Webber and Bailey arrived.
"Good morning everybody" Hunt said dropping heavy folders on the desk. The others took place around the table and Owen took a look around, checking his watch. "We have to wait a couple of minutes more, I guess" he clapped his hands and sat, consulting the plan of the assembly.
"Sorry, I'm late" Derek said out of breath, appearing on the doorframe. "Shall I close?"
"Yes, Shep" Mark grinned "you're the last but not the least. Come on… drop your ass here. Females drew a line this morning"
"Which line?" Derek asked, amused, raising his eyebrows.
"Don't care, Derek" Callie cut in "he's just pissed I wanted my girlfriend close and not him"
"Oh… poor Mark… he dropped off the podium" he joked, causing Mark to roll his eyes.
"Ok, people" Owen said, raising his voice "we're ready to go" He stood and cancelled the writing from the blackboard, polishing his hands after. "First thing I'd like to check with you the progress of the Africa project" he muttered, taking a furtive glance to his notes "I want to know the development of your cases and…" he trailed off, biting his tongue "how everything is going" he finished quietly, raising Teddy's curiosity. Their eyes met and Hunt pleaded her silently to shut up. "Bailey?" he inquired, his eyes moving from Miranda to Webber. "Or Webber… anyone… please"
"Well… we treated and fixed five or six minor cases up to now. They were reported to have complicated situations but I guess it was just about malnutrition. Surgeries went fine and we were able to dismiss them. We're still dealing with the liver transplant… a case I treated with cardio and which went smoothly. Post op is running normally, slowly but normally. Manuel should stay here a couple of weeks again… Makena and Karen are already dealing with the supplementary authorizations and… they should get them in a while"
"Sounds good" Owen smiled.
"It is… and after we discharge him we're done with the first pack… waiting for others… eventually" she said, arcing her brows quizzically towards Hunt. The new Chief avoided the answer, taking time.
"We'll discuss this later" he mumbled "Ortho?"
"Well… I checked yesterday evening on my last patient… the neuro and bone reconstruction. Shepherd had already cleared him and I'm going to do it this morning… hopefully"
"Robbins?" Owen addressed Arizona, abandoning the order he had defined on his agenda and just following the chair round.
"I assisted most of these surgeries…" she squirmed, suddenly invested by everybody's attention.
"I kind of know that" Owen chuckled, amused by her embarrassment "but I wanted to know about your last patient… bowel obstruction" he added closing his arms across his chest. His eyes flashed on Shepherd's figure for a millisecond and then he went back glaring at Arizona.
"She's fine. She's recovering good. I've planned new tests for the end of the week and a last check to her shunt. Then she'll be ready to go" she said happily.
"Ok… nothing else?" Owen asked, taking a quick glance to the whole room. All the surgeons looked silent and he turned the page of his folder, moving to the following topic.
"You didn't answer my question" Bailey's voice reached him and he looked up, frowning.
"Which question?"
"Is this project going to end here or will it go on?" she enquired, her fingers playing nervously on the table.
"We hope we'll be able to continue and propose it again. But… we need to dismiss the first group of patients, we need to answer a lot of questions, we need to fulfill the agency requirements before and it's gonna take a lot of time" he breathed out.
"Who will take care of these kids once they go home? I mean… some cases were simple and don't need post op but… others went through complicated surgeries… Manuel and Robbins' patient. What will be of them?"
"The Agency agreed to a special protocol for them. Your patient will be accommodated into a family and stay there, along with his brother, for all the time you'll consider necessary to his full recovery"
"Why didn't I know anything about this?" she retorted, opening her arms in disbelief.
"As these measures have just been settled. We didn't know how long these kids were supposed to stay here. Now we do the system has activated and I'm telling you. It's not necessary I point out that the agency wishes this period will be determined just according to medical needs. No extra time unless essential, Bailey"
"That's pretty clear" Bailey nodded "I know Manuel and Souleymane have a family. And why aren't you telling her too by the way?" she retorted, gesturing towards Arizona. Robbins opened her mouth to speak but Owen did it first.
"As her case is different" he explained quietly.
"My patient doesn't have a family, Miranda" Robbins said sweetly.
"So you can keep her around all the time you want?" despite the harsh sentence the tone was gentle and Arizona smiled.
"No, of course not. But a family offered to adopt her so… we'll follow another protocol"
"Oh…" all the doctors cheered hearing the news. A wave of tenderness and sympathy spread in the room and Owen chuckled too.
"Yes… that's good news…" he mumbled.
"So it's better you don't screw it up, Robbins" Mark said, breaking the silence of the room. Derek rolled his eyes and Callie hit his arm.
"You can't just be serious, Sloan, can you?" she hissed to him.
"I am serious!" he protested, opening his arms in defense.
"All right" Robbins cut in to ease the situation "I'm perfectly aware of the responsibility I have, Mark, don't worry. But my role is minor in this thing. There are social services involved and I just have to be sure the baby is fine"
"And to explain her case to the applied parents…" Bailey added "trust me… you have no idea how difficult it was with Manuel… to explain his brother what was wrong with him with the language problem. And I guess your patient is much younger and her health problems were important… I hope these people understand what they are putting themselves into"
"We do"
Derek looked up and met Bailey's eyes, swallowing. He tried to ignore the multitude of eyes moving on his persona. He was perfectly fine with his choice and didn't need to explain anything to anyone.
"Meredith and I perfectly know the importance of the step we're taking. And we perfectly know Zola was very sick. We'll take good care of her if the social services will grant us with her custody"
He looked down to his paper sheet. He had been scribbling and drawing all along the meeting and the result was a mass of unreadable chicken tracks. The noise of his pen tracing new casual lines echoed in the room till Bailey broke the silence.
"You and Grey offered up to adopt a baby?" she asked, unable to hide her astonishment.
"We did" he answered flatly "but I don't think this concerns you in any way" he raised his eyes and his cold stare suggested Owen to go ahead with his schedule. He cleared his throat, turning the page.
"Good. I guess everybody found a folder in his office this morning" he half stated, half asked. Nobody answered but Hunt saw all the material spread on the table. "I went through the protocols of every department and found points and aspects we could and probably should improve"
He had to choke a smile seeing Sloan's forehead crinkling noticing the amount of notes popping out of his file.
"I'd like every of you to go through it… see if what I underlined is strictly necessary or if we can deal with it differently. It's not meant to be a critic, of course, just a confrontation. I hope you'll take it in the right way"
"No problem, Chief" Teddy said breathing out.
"I was sure I could count on you all. I expect your impressions on my desk by the end of the week" he added, closing his agenda and looking to them all. "I'm done by now. I went through your reports on the daily activity in the early morning and I didn't see anything strange so… we'll go back to the usual schedule next time" his lips stretched into a satisfied expression and he clapped his hands. "If there's nothing you want to know…"
Mark stood, stretching his legs and back, picking up his folder. Derek and Callie kicked back their chairs ready to stand but Bailey's voice stopped them all.
"Actually there would be something" she said, her voice shaking. Owen frowned but raised his hand, inviting her to go on. "Well… I think you remember some of us raised complains about the return of dr. Grey in the department" she said, finally looking up and meeting Derek's stare. He had sank back in his chair, sighing, probably waiting for an another argument.
"I do remember, Bailey" Owen added, embarrassed. "And if you remember correctly, I let you take some time to decide what you wanted to do about your concerns" he prodded her quietly, eyeing all the others at the same time. Nobody dared to speak and Derek snorted, suddenly out of patience.
"I can wait out, I think it's better" he muttered, collecting his folder and standing, ready to leave.
"No, I think it's better you sit your ass on that chair and listen to what I have to tell you" Miranda retorted, gaining a deep sigh in protest. Derek obliged, buckling under her not so kind request.
"Fine" he hissed through gritted teeth "we'll put an end to this sooner rather than later" he raised his eyes and met hers. He couldn't help but noticing Richard's strained face. "So?" he prodded her.
"Dr. Hunt asked me about my concerns and I'm going to tell him"
"We're waiting" he scorned, not able to dissimulate his mood. Mark patted his thigh under the table to calm him down. There was already too much electricity in the air.
But there's something magic in yo-yo, you know?
"I think…" Bailey started and then stopped, adjusting the rim of her labcoat "I think I owe you an apology" she said quietly, finally locking eyes with him.
"We owe you an apology" Teddy corrected her.
"A big one" Callie breathed out.
"What for?" Derek enquired. His voice was rough and dry but his face was relaxing, relief washing over him in waves.
"For judging a situation we didn't know. And we probably hadn't the means to know" Bailey explained, her eyes darting from Derek to Webber to Owen.
"We shouldn't have told those things to you, Shepherd" Callie cut in "it was unfair"
"And inappropriate" Teddy added.
"There are procedures in the hospital, procedures and rules" Miranda went on "if the Board decided to arrange things like it did, we had and have no place to argue about it"
She sent a meaningful look to Hunt and Owen got the apology was meant to be for him too. His lips stretched in a small smile and he looked to Derek.
Something which fascinated me since I was a kid.
The disks always come up, out of gravity.
No matter if you tug or not, it's just meant to go back into your hand.
"Shepherd…" he prodded him, trying to understand how he was living this confrontation.
"Chief?" Derek looked a little bit dazed and confused. He didn't know what he was supposed to say in this situation.
"Do you think this can close the argument?" he asked gently, hoping Derek wouldn't revamp the issue. The neuro surgeon close his lids, soothing his eyes to calm himself down. He took a deep breath before talking.
"I've never meant to raise an argument out of this, Hunt. I didn't want to do it before and I don't want to do it now" he breathed out, straightening up "I just wanted to be able to make my choices and be respected for it. Even if I know that many of you didn't understand or didn't share my conclusions"
"But you were right…" Bailey said gently "it wasn't our place to comment any of it"
"You did comment as everything happened too fast" Richard cut in, his voice calm but firm "and I gave you wrong signals. I mixed the cards and we all got caught under it"
"Richard…" Derek tried to interrupt him, shaking his head, getting where the discussion was heading.
"It's fine, Derek. We were trying to find a way to compose this fracture. And I guess it didn't happen casually that this clarification comes after what Adele did" he swallowed, looking to the wall in front of him "I guess it's time we talk out this mess. Names and dates… like you suggested from the very beginning" he stood, closing the blinds of the conference room to gain them some privacy. He turned around, breathing out, hands on his hips. Everybody was staring at him but Derek, the tension was palpable. "What I'm going to tell you is highly confidential. And you'll be told just as I know that you have a personal relationship with me and Derek… and I think that's the reason why you acted so violently and recklessly. I prefer to think people lost control out of affection rather than out of some stupid need of revenge and retaliation" his eyes bored into Bailey's and she looked away "I didn't act fair towards the Alzheimer's trial, I didn't act fairly from the very beginning. From the moment dr. Grey suggested me Adele could have neurological problems. Everything spin out of control and I used every pressure to get her into the trial. Even if she didn't fit into the protocol" he admitted, ashamed of himself. "Derek asked a derogation and we got it. We had considered everything then… everything but the fog oppressing her brain, the same confusion which led her to slap him yesterday had led her to aggress Meredith weeks ago. This was the reason why Dr. Grey switched those filed. Adele had confused her with Ellis… a patient appointed to get the drug had just died and Meredith switched their envelopes. That's how things went"
He turned around facing the clouded window, earing whispers and sighs behind his back.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Miranda asked, realizing from Derek's reaction her question was probably out of place.
"Tell you what, Bailey?" Shepherd asked in disbelief.
"This…" she snapped, her eyes narrowing in frustration.
"I didn't know the whole story when all this mess took place. I just knew she had switched the files, nothing else"
"And she let you take the blame with the FDA and everybody else?" Mark asked, voicing a doubt Lexie had shut up in the last few days. Derek looked to him briefly, surprised by his participation to the discussion. Mark had never asked him anything, told him anything, not to support him and not to blame him. He had assisted to all this situation a step back, leaving him space and not breaking his privacy, probably understanding the wound was much more than work related.
"The FDA wasn't interested in punishing a resident, Mark. I was the head of the trial. The responsibility was all on me" he sighed, tired to go through the same topics all over again.
"It's what you said to the board too?" Callie asked, sensing the gravity of the situation for the first time.
"No" Derek breathed out "Richard tried to relieve Meredith's position after she got fired" he looked up, locking eyes with Webber, the same emotion he had proved days ago invading his heart all over again "But they just couldn't accept to have her back here and me as chief"
"So you chose" Bailey finished for him.
"I chose… and I chose my marriage and the chance to build it back. It had nothing to do with my job and… Richard's job"
"At that point I had presented my resignation by myself" Webber confirmed, closing his arms across his chest.
Close, safe.
Just as a friend can make you feel.
"Wow…" Callie breathed out, closing her hands across her cheeks "this sounds like a spy story"
"Yes… but we didn't get the naked romance in the end…" Mark mumbled. Derek turned aside to look at him, raising his brow while Bailey rolled her eyes and Teddy chuckled. "What?" Sloan asked.
"You really know how to drop the tension in a serious conversation, Mark" Derek scolded him.
"I didn't say anything…" he protested, rolling her eyes.
"Whatever" Callie snorted standing up, getting the meeting was definitely over.
"Right…" he breathed out, pushing his chair under the table. He made two steps behind Derek's back, following him towards the door. "And now you point that out, you're right. I was inaccurate. You got the naked romance after all this crazy mess"
"What?" Derek stopped, causing Mark to almost crush into him.
"Don't get mad. Meredith texted Lexie about the new house and all the romantic stuff you put up yesterday. I guess some hot cuddle was included" he winked, making Derek blush.
"Whatever…" he scoffed, walking away with his papers in the crock of his elbow.
"I was thinking I could involve you in my studies now the FDA blackmailed you!" Mark shouted behind his back, getting no answer. "Right" he muttered, going back into the room and picking up his folder.
"Sloan…" Hunt called him.
"What?"
Owen approached him and patted his shoulder grinning.
"You should be careful, you know?"
"About what?"
"About what you say. Now Brad left I guess we are all looking for faces to punch. And you really call for it when you behave like you just did"
"Have you just threatened me, chief?"
"No" Owen shrugged "I would call that a warning, Sloan… not a threat" he grinned.
"Are you serious?" Mark asked, watching him walk away.
"Believe it or not" Owen answered without looking back.
But watch out… as if you throw your yo-yo too fast… it could go back and knock your teeth out.
Surprise me!
