King Rat: Our Kingdom
Author Notes: You may notice there's been a tonal shift over the past few chapters. Thank god, right? We're not miserable anymore! The next few chapters are going to be a lot lighter, a little more like the early chapters of the story. Enjoy, everyone!
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine and never will be.
49: Through Pussy-willow and Periwinkle
Sanzo offered silent thanks that the school had been willing to take the twins to class an hour late, and the same for some of the other monks being willing to take up his workload for the sake of giving him a little more time with his family. It was a pleasant surprise, really, coming back to such a small stack of papers. The other monks had just smiled, genuinely, and their chosen representative (a familiar man with squarish glasses who Sanzo had seen a dozen times but just couldn't quite place his name) had told him, "It's not like you've ever been a normal Sanzo priest. I mean, you haven't bothered to adhere to the rules before and it's worked out so far, we might as well let you be a guardian to your wards in the way you see fit."
He didn't mind getting a bit of grief. Just the same, he didn't mind his next surprise of walking back into the shop to see Hakkai hugging Gojyo tight once again, and Gojyo looked up over his shoulder to smile helplessly at Sanzo.
"So, uh, I thought I'd tell him the good news."
"I see." Sanzo set his papers down on the desk, as Hakkai released Gojyo.
"I can't express... how very happy..." He put the back of his hands to his lips and hid a tearful wince. "Oh, Gojyo-"
"Wait." Gojyo held his hands up. "Before you continue getting all mushy on me, you gotta listen."
Hakkai listened as Gojyo explained the mistake with the tests. Gojyo could see his smile shift from genuine to the familiar mask, and froze there, trembling, as he finished. "... So, uh, we don't know just how-" Before he could finish the thought, Hakkai snapped one hand out and seized his earlobe, then yanked. Sanzo snorted and rolled his eyes as Gojyo yelped incoherent protest. "Don't pull! Don't pull! I ain't the Buddha, my ears are fine like they are!"
"When is the last time you emptied the wastebasket in your bathroom?"
"Oh fuck, don't get on me about 'sanitation' and 'hygiene' right now, bro!"
Hakkai insisted Gojyo find as many of the discarded tests in the trash as he could, and after a lot of grumbling and fishing through tissues and empty toilet paper rolls, he came up with four, and all of them were positive. Hakkai stared at the tests laid out on the floor over Gojyo's shoulder. "You know..."
"Yeah, I know." Gojyo sighed. Sanzo scoffed from the doorway.
"You know, giving him grief over it won't change that we can't be sure when..." He trailed off, finishing with a flourish of his hand.
"But it's at least two months, I guess." Gojyo quickly numbered the weeks on his fingers. "Since a positive means four for sure, and we've got five positives."
"It's impossible to say, to be honest." Hakkai helped Gojyo up to his feet with a hand under his elbow, and pointed to the sink. Gojyo tossed the tests back in the trash with a grumble and washed his hands. "If you read the instructions, those tests are invalid after ten minutes or so, but the instructions don't tell me what precisely that means. I can't say if they hold their original result or if they change based on exposure, it's completely impossible to say without me writing to the company to ask. This doesn't even account for the tests you've discarded, because you have taken more than this." Hakkai sighed deeply, as Gojyo tried to shrink over the sink. "I'm simply going to have to assume the minimum and maximum."
"And what does that mean?" Sanzo folded his arms tight, squeezing his elbows.
"The minimum is five weeks." Hakkai closed his eyes for a moment, and Sanzo could almost see him running the numbers under his eyelids. "That would place your child's assumed birthday in mid-March, next year. The maximum lands you in late February. I might be able to guess closer as we go, but the bottom line is that I would like this baby to stay inside of him as long as possible."
"S'fine by me." Gojyo slung an arm over Hakkai's shoulder. "So, what do I gotta do?"
"The same as you did before." Hakkai ducked from under Gojyo's touch, but maintained a coy smile. "Treat yourself carefully, eat healthfully, stop smoking-" He reached for Gojyo's back pocket, but came up dry. "Oh?"
"I left my last pack in the hotel trashcan." Gojyo grinned uneasily. "I'm getting a little antsy, but it's for this kid, right?" Gojyo noticed Sanzo patting his own pocket, just as Hakkai turned to him.
"Stop smoking around him."
"Hmph."
"M'not glass." Gojyo pulled his lighter from his other pocket and tossed it to Sanzo. "I guess for now, there ain't much I gotta change, but I need to know what we gotta tell the boys and when."
"Oh!" Hakkai put a hand to his mouth, as Sanzo furrowed his brow. "I hadn't even- I suppose I should have." He didn't need to think long. "I suppose you should wait until you're past the greatest risk of losing the pregnancy. Twelve weeks, perhaps a bit sooner, so perhaps six or seven weeks from today. At that point, you will want to start preparing them for the reality of having a new younger brother or sister, especially after losing their younger sister so recently." Both Gojyo and Sanzo drooped at this, Gojyo with a palm flat over his navel, Sanzo with hooded eyes. Gojyo flicked an uneasy gaze at Hakkai.
"Y'think they're gonna be ready? Fuckin' jackass me, I didn't even think about that."
"Children are resilient, and they bounce well with encouragement." Hakkai giggled, as Gojyo hid a guilty look. "You can practice what you're going to tell them with me."
"Ryuichi," Sanzo muttered, and both Gojyo and Hakkai stiffened, as if they'd suddenly remembered that he was still, indeed, one of their children. Sanzo shook his head. "I don't think he needs to know."
"I dunno, kid can be pretty sharp." Gojyo sighed and scratched his head. "But I guess... his situation's weird enough. The boys grew up with it, but at his age, he's kinda set with 'this works this way, that works that way.' I don't know just how he's gonna take 'your big bro can make people.' We'll tell him if we have to." Sanzo nodded, and Hakkai sighed, resigned.
"It's your decision." He dusted his hands on his legs. "Other than that, Gojyo." He took hold of his sleeve. "I know this is very much your and Sanzo's affair, but I am willing to assist you in any way I can. You are welcome to talk to me about anything, and Sanzo, you are welcome just the same. I don't know everything, but I'm happy to find out. And, whenever you want to check on your child's health, please-"
"Right now." Gojyo took Hakkai's wrist. "Can you?" Hakkai smiled bright until his face lit up, and he tilted his hand to touch two fingers to Gojyo's side. Sanzo could feel Hakkai's chi pulse through the air.
"Ah." He blinked slowly, and smiled a little wider. "Perfect. Exactly what I would expect. I can't discern the age or development, but this is a perfectly healthy little ball of energy." He dropped his hand, and Sanzo exhaled slowly.
"Good." He patted Gojyo's shoulder, and Gojyo faced him with a proud grin.
"Perfect little ball of somethin'. We're gonna need a better nickname for the brat."
"Brat's out." Sanzo gave his ear a tug, and started to retreat for the door. "I'm not sure 'ball of' anything is any good either; I think I'll save that for you, in about six months."
"Asshole!" Gojyo chased, and the group started back down to start the day. "Call me names when I'm making you a goddamn person! I got a dozen names! For you and the squirt!"
"I hate 'squirt.'" Hakkai laughed as the two started to squabble, but he could distinctly hear the tease in the back-and-forth.
It was just another journey they were starting out on, in lock-step. Just another path to walk, and one they were walking together in top form.
All he wanted was for Gojyo to have a normal pregnancy. As strange as it was to say, that was the truth. Hakkai wasn't noticing very much of a difference, and he didn't expect much just yet. Only that Gojyo's clothes smelled less like smoke, though sometimes more like sick. He gave Gojyo the occasional chi treatment, just what he needed, and Gojyo accepted it gratefully and didn't ask for more. Hakkai assumed Sanzo was taking the brunt of it, and he didn't mind that at all.
Gojyo felt terrible.
Sure, the nicotine withdrawal sucked the motherload, but he'd done it a couple of times and after four or five days, it was more like a cat rubbing at his legs than a dog biting at his heels. But once the morning sickness kicked in, Gojyo was stuck with it. Every morning, he rolled from bed with bile in his throat and had to thrust his face into the toilet to retch. As miserable as he was, it was worse when cool, slender hands would sweep the hair off the back of his neck and away from his mouth. It's not that it wasn't helpful, but he just didn't want the help. That was only where it started. It took him a while before he could step back and take a look at what was happening, but when he did, it hit him hard.
"Y'don't have to," he insisted somewhere around the eighth consecutive day of morning sickness, even as Sanzo held out a full glass of water. Gojyo took a mouthful and spat it out. "I mean it."
"Why don't you want me to help?" Sanzo folded his arms, and Gojyo bit back a groan. He looked so damn cute with his bedhead and pout and in his rumpled underclothes that Gojyo didn't want to pick a fight, but damn if he could take this anymore. He'd felt mild annoyance building up more and more each day since the vomiting started, and over the past few days, it had become too much to hold back.
"I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. I've had enough hangovers in my life to throw up without a babysitter!" This got narrowed eyes and thinned lips, and Sanzo strode out. Gojyo thanked anything he could thank that Sanzo chose not to snipe back, but the cute was gone. He ran back the words in his head, and realized that he might have revived some bad thoughts. He groaned- like he wanted to remind Sanzo of how much of a mess he was when they were busted up- and made a mental note to apologize later.
He forgot when he got to the breakfast table and saw the porridge in his bowl. He lifted his spoon and his stomach turned again. "Sorry-" he choked, and launched back to the bathroom, leaving Ryuichi, Eiji, and Yohei confused behind him. Sanzo didn't make to follow this time.
Wading through the muddle of the day, Gojyo felt a hum of tension in their office, radiating off of Sanzo like someone had hit a tuning fork in the key of 'pissed off.' He kept trying to find ways to talk to him, but he was stuck between two of the other issues he'd been having- conking out on his stool, and the nausea that crept back when his mouth got dry.
"Hey." He jolted at a prod between his ribs, and jerked upright, his hair flying back and panic rushing up through his spine. Sanzo turned his poke to a caress up his side. "Don't fall asleep here."
Gojyo had to catch his breath, and pressed his hand over his racing heart. He turned on his stool as Sanzo turned back around. "Th..." He swallowed it- fuck, did he hate this. "Don't just poke at me! You damn near gave me a heart attack!"
"Excuse me for keeping you from falling off your chair." Sanzo sniffed, hunched his shoulders, and continued to work.
That was another problem- the irrational anger. Gojyo couldn't explain it, but he was starting to feel the hair on the back of his neck sticking up as a constant, a chill of annoyance and anger running through him, and it was getting stronger. "Excuse me a minute." He shoved back from his seat and strode out the back door, slammed it behind him, then summoned up the shakujou. He picked a chunk of fence, imagined droopy purple eyes and a blonde mop-top, and started hacking away at it with both sickle and spade. He stopped short when the plank of fence he'd picked was gone. It wasn't like he gave a fuck about the fence- it was still decorated with bullet holes, half-rotted out- but if he left nothing but splinters every time he couldn't control his anger, he was going to ruin the kids' sparring ground. He released the shakujou, but unlike the way it usually went, the tension that came with a fight didn't leave.
He came back inside to find Sanzo had gone, and Hakkai was peering around the corner from the storefront. "You frightened off a customer. Are you alright?"
"I am angry at everything and I don't know why," Gojyo blurted, and dropped to a limp sit. Hakkai hummed and crept around the corner to put a hand on his shoulder, and Gojyo's face fell. "It's been getting worse for the past week."
"Pregnancy hormones can cause mood swings. As you said, it's probably why you were so emotional in the months leading up to Kana's birth, and you remember how you were with the boys. I honestly thought you were going to explode at a touch for those first few months."
"Make 'em go away." Gojyo gave his bangs an anxious tug. "I got work to do, a family to care for, and a Sanzo to keep around, I can't be on the verge of exploding twenty-four-seven!" He looked wearily up at Hakkai. "Just, y'know, like you help with the morning sickness and stuff. Please, bro, I can't."
"I can mitigate it, like I do with the morning sickness, but I can't make it go away. The same goes for your tiredness. My," he smiled like a Cheshire cat, "Here I had thought our busy season was just getting to you. I only wish I could help more."
"Damn it." Gojyo groaned and hugged his own head. Hakkai gave his shoulder a squeeze, and he felt some of the tension fade.
"Just try to find a healthy outlet. I can get you a training dummy." He backed off as Sanzo came back down the stairs with two cups of tea. He set one down in front of Gojyo and pushed it towards him.
"Green tea is supposed to be calming."
"Why would I want hot tea in August?" Gojyo wrinkled his nose at it before he could stop himself. Sanzo scoffed and hunched down again, hackles raised.
"The temperature differential will help to cool you off. Probably need a cool off after your tantrum."
"I did not throw a tan-" Gojyo realized his voice had jumped half an octave and that he was about to shout, and he bit his bottom lip and pressed the back of his head down on the desk. "I'm so damned tired."
"Go take a nap."
"I have work to do." Gojyo slapped the back of his hand against the stack of orders. "I got flowers to arrange and kids to feed. I can't take a nap like a goddamn two-year-old."
"You can do whatever you want. But fine, be tired and miserable." Sanzo's hackles raised a tiny bit higher, and Gojyo lowered his head.
He wanted to apologize for being kind of stupid and bitchy, but at the same time, he couldn't shake the thought: "What a fucking prick!"
Gojyo and Sanzo had been taking turns at picking the boys up from school, but for the past eight days, Sanzo had been offering and Gojyo had been running off to pick them up. This day was no exception, and Gojyo fought back the exhaustion he'd labored under to walk down to the school and back with the boys at his side. He yawned every few paces throughout the trip there and back, and regretted it step after step.
Why don't I want Sanzo to help? He swung his hand in Yohei's, his fingers limp. He would do this and let you chill, but why don't you want that?
He got back and let the two of them play in the yard with the soccer ball as he finished the rest of the day out without another word to Sanzo. He finished the flower orders for the day and pushed back from his desk. Sanzo whipped around when he sank off his stool, but his foot touched down and Sanzo relaxed again.
"I'm exhausted. If I gotta snip one more stem, I'll fall asleep. I'm calling it a day." He stretched his arms out, then leaned out the back door. "Hey, come on in, both of you!" He zeroed in on Yohei's hair. "I got enough energy to snip something else."
Maybe he just felt like taking his aggression on blondes out somewhere, so he didn't mind much when Yohei moaned as he put a sheet around his neck. "Daddy, I don't wanna get a haircut!" He shook his head, even as Gojyo put some water in it to smooth it down. Wet, it nearly reached his chin.
"You're starting to look like a yellow coconut. It's gettin' split at the ends." Gojyo wiped his scissors off, as Eiji giggled into his hands.
"But Daddy, I wannit like yours!" Yohei reached up and took hold of Gojyo's hair. Gojyo yelped when he clutched it. "It's long and pretty. I wanna have long hair too!"
"Ah, kid, your teacher's gonna get mad if I let you keep it long like a punker!" Gojyo chuckled, then unwound his hair from Yohei's hand. Yohei pouted, and Gojyo couldn't keep back a sigh. "I won't cut it much. Just enough to get the splits off." He rubbed his palm on Yohei's head. "It'll look nicer if you get the splits off. You see any splits in Daddy's hair?" He held up a sample of his hair, smooth and neat. Yohei shook his head, and Gojyo smirked. "Y'see? You gotta do it right. There's too many guys who keep the long hair but don't take care of it, and ladies hate a guy with greasy, nasty, frizzy long hair." He started with the front of Yohei's hair and gave it a slight trim, to an annoyed hum from the door.
"Cut it shorter," Sanzo muttered.
"Nope. He wants it longer, and I think our boy can make some of his own decisions." Gojyo quickly snipped around his head, as quick with hair as he was with flowers. He checked the length, then unwrapped the sheet from Yohei's neck and shook the hair into the sink. Sanzo still wore a disdainful expression, but he toweled Yohei's hair off, and Gojyo faced Eiji. "How 'bout you, kiddo? You gonna be a punk like Daddy an' Yo?"
"Nah!" Eiji hopped into the chair. "It bugs me when it's in my eyes. My head hurts when I can't see right." He gave his head a rub, and Gojyo chuckled and threw the sheet around his neck.
"Well, that's no good. Let's lower your ears." He wet Eiji's hair, smoothed it down, then frowned down at the natural part. "Huh. Well, ain't that somethin'." He looked up at Sanzo, who'd approached with a frown. "His roots are growing in straight."
"Oh." Sanzo traced over the part with his eyes, and nodded.
"Looks like you're goin' straight, kid." Gojyo gave Eiji's head a pat, and smiled. The loose hair in the air must have been caught in an air current, because he was suddenly feeling a pricking at his eyes. "You're gonna have straight hair just like me and Papa and Yo soon enough. Think I'll miss the curls, though." He sniffled, and Sanzo's eyes shot over to him.
"Gojyo, why are you crying?"
"Huh?" Gojyo raised a hand to his face, and realized that the stinging in his eyes was tears, and his sinuses were starting to run. Yohei gawked from behind Sanzo, and Eiji's brow knit up in worry. "Shit, I am, huh?" He put on a wobbly smile. "I'm okay. Guess... my baby's losin' his curls, and growin' up... I guess it's a little sad." The tears started to come faster, but Gojyo kept smearing them away. "M'fine, though. It's just... I'm gonna miss..." He held in a sob, and stepped back. "I'm sorry." His eyes fixed to Eiji, who looked ready to panic.
"Daddy, it's okay. You can leave my hair long, so I'll still have curls!"
"No, no, it's fine, kiddo. This's just part of... growin' up." He braced himself and moved back in, but Sanzo closed in, shoulder to shoulder, and snatched the scissors out of his hand.
"Go get some air. I'll take care of the haircut."
"Kou, I got th-"
"No, you don't." Sanzo's voice dropped to a growl. "You are getting overly emotional. You need to calm down. Go beat the shit out of the fence."
All of Gojyo's tears channeled directly to his rage, and he shoved Sanzo back and stormed off. He needed a cigarette and a hug, but he didn't want the former at all, and didn't want the latter from Sanzo. Instead, he paced on the roof, grumbling swear words under his breath, clenching and releasing his hands into fists and then to a broad spread that stretched the webbing between his fingers. He wasn't sure how long he was there, only that it was Hakkai who came up the stairs to join him after a while.
"Mood swings, still?"
"I told you, they ain't stoppin'!" He stomped his foot. "You don't fuckin' listen to me, do y- whoa." He realized what he was saying, and slowed down. Hakkai's eyebrows had raised, and Gojyo shook his head in horror. "I... I can't make it stop."
"I don't mind, you know. I understand." He joined Gojyo and rested a palm on his shoulder. "The children are a bit confused, but I understand, and Sanzo-"
"-'s gonna hate me if I don't clean up my act." Gojyo held his head. "He's gonna walk away from me, and damn if I won't deserve it, right?"
"That wasn't what I was going to say. And it's certainly untrue." He sighed and pushed his monocle up, his fingers landing and pressing on his sinuses as they passed. "I know very well that you're under stress, but please come inside and eat."
"Why bother? I'm just gonna blow chunks tomorrow and waste it all." He folded his arms, but followed Hakkai back inside.
He picked at his meal, already wondering what it would taste like on the way up, and tried not to look at Sanzo straight on. The boys were watching him warily now as well, but he managed to smile for them, and even tested his hand across Eiji's closely cropped hair. "Hey, it's fuzzy now, kiddo. Feels cool, right?"
"Uh-huh." Eiji grinned, and Gojyo felt his heart melt a little.
"Attaboy." He gave it a firm tousle so that it would stick up in all directions and stay there, and it would have been okay if Ryuichi hadn't entered at that moment.
"M'home, everyone- whoa!" He started when he saw Eiji's hair. "Where'd all the curls go, little guy?"
Before Gojyo knew it, tears and snot streaked his face. He caught both in his sleeves and kicked back from the table to compose himself. Ryuichi squeaked and grabbed his plate.
"I think I'm just gonna eat in my room- got a bunch'a homework, y'know- uh, sorry I upset you!" Hakkai captured his wrist before he could flee.
"Sit and eat your dinner like a civilized young man." Hakkai put on a great big smile, and Ryuichi sank to a chair like his ass had turned to stone. Gojyo took a deep breath to put himself back together, as Sanzo captured another chunk of carrot in his chopsticks.
"Wonder where he got all those curls, anyway."
"Prob'ly your mom, or mine," Gojyo muttered without a second thought, then got up from his seat. "I'm sorry, I can't eat." He gave Ryuichi's shoulder a squeeze as he passed. "Kid, come on down and talk to me when you're done."
Gojyo wrecked another section of the fence with his shakujou in the hopes that the testosterone boost would wick the tears away, until he heard another panicked squeak behind him. "B-bro?" Ryuichi gawked at the splintered fence.
"Hey, kid. Sorry about-" He nodded up to the kitchen window. "I, uh, I need to talk to you about that." He set the shakujou against his shoulder and put a hand on Ryuichi's forearm. "Kid, look, I'm kinda going through some stuff right now. Nothing you have to worry about. Just, expect to see me actin' a little weird here and there."
"It's 'cause of that guy, isn't it?" Ryuichi folded his arms, breaking Gojyo's contact with him. "Is he hurting you or somethin'?"
"It's an adjustment period, kiddo." He sighed, let his eyes shut and his lips sag as he started up the lies again (as if he weren't already feeling sick to his stomach.) "We've been havin' little tiffs, but nothing serious. I'm just feelin' a little..." He winced. "... emotional lately. I can't control if I get angry or sad. If I start givin' you crap, or creepin' you out, just tell me, and I can catch myself. I don't want you to get caught up in my business."
"Bro, it's okay." Ryuichi tossed a glower at the kitchen window, as if he could see Sanzo through the wall. "I still don't get why you're doin' what you're doin' with him, but if he's upsettin' you..." Ryuichi put one fist into his hand, and met Gojyo's eyes with stern dedication. "I'll deal with him."
"That ain't gonna be necessary. Kiddo, I get you're concerned, but it's not a big deal." Gojyo returned a stern look and set his hands on his hips. "I can deal with my own love life. You're still a kid, you should not have to deal with my stuff. I'm supposed to deal with you, not the other way 'round."
"I ain't a kid, bro. You know, that bugs me!" He turned his own expression to stern at Gojyo. "I'm almost eighteen. I work hard. Why don't you treat me like an adult?"
"Kid, you've mostly got your own life. That's another good reason you shouldn't get wrapped up in mine. I'm not your dad, Ichi. I don't think I wanna be. I wanna support you." He wrapped an arm around him again. "Please, try not to worry about me and Sanzo, and why I'm gonna be insane for the next few months. I'm trying to control it, but it ain't easy."
He heard a familiar snort and smelled Marlboro, and looked to the door to see Sanzo with the twins. Gojyo quickly crossed one leg over the other and propped himself against Ryuichi. "What's up?"
Sanzo fixed a withering look on Ryuichi, then turned to Gojyo with hard eyes. "The boys saw you with the shakujou. They're curious. Demonstrate."
Gojyo felt Ryuichi tense, but grinned all the same. "I'll do ya one better. Ichi, go get the broom. Boys, stay here." He dodged into the shop and into the storage room, and picked out two elbow-height sticks usually used for propping large, trailing arrangements up. He rushed back out and tested them next to Eiji's head- it was just taller than him. "Perfect." He gave the boys sticks, and when Ryuichi returned with the broom, he yanked the broom head off. "Alright, all three of you, follow me." He winked at Ryuichi. "Man's gotta know how to defend himself, right?"
Gojyo led Ryuichi, Yohei, and Eiji in some very basic staff techniques, with Sanzo leaning against the wall observing with hawkish eyes. Gojyo couldn't be bothered to care, and tried not to look at him. He just enjoyed the chance to let loose, and when all three boys tired, he had them all get back to show them the real use of the shakujou. He urged them all against the wall, spinning the shakujou around his hand. "This weapon is specially mine, see? It takes a lot of practice, and it's real dangerous." He stepped far back, to the edge of the yard. "Watch this, kids."
One completely destroyed fence later, Yohei and Eiji cheered, and Ryuichi clapped slowly, though he seemed stunned at the debris that now littered the yard. Gojyo took a knee to catch his breath, before raising his head and flashing them all a cocky grin. "See, you learn from the basics. Once you learn how to use the stick, you can try things like swords, or spades." He dropped the shakujou to release it, and his head dropped with it. "Been a while since I've used it like that, though." He saw a hand in front of his face and took it. Sanzo helped him up to his feet.
"It should be a while until the next time." Gojyo realized Sanzo was squeezing his hand, and broke his grip.
"I'm a little out of practice. No big deal." He wiped his brow, then beckoned the twins. "Come on, don't you guys have homework?" He felt Sanzo's glare on his back as he led the boys in. Eiji glanced over his shoulder, but scuttled after him, and Ryuichi followed as well, with one last disdainful look in Sanzo's direction. Sanzo ground his teeth together, counted to ten, then stomped hard on some of the scraps of fence left on the ground behind them.
Sanzo didn't return inside for a while, instead picking up the trashed fence, and Gojyo spent the next few hours feeling overwhelmingly guilty about how he'd treated Sanzo. He hadn't wanted to blow him off, he just couldn't stop himself from being upset. He was starting to feel angry at himself, and that was making pressure build up behind his eyes again. He didn't want to live the next six or seven months making Sanzo miserable, because that made him miserable. He resigned himself to get it together.
Sanzo was in bed when Gojyo finished his evening routine, paper in his lap, with an air of meditative calm. Gojyo could feel sleep tugging at his eyelids, and with the low lamp from the bedside table and the sight of Sanzo so cozy against the headboard, he really just wanted to crawl in and conk out. He pushed that need back, and trudged to Sanzo's side of the bed. He then dropped to his knees and pawed at Sanzo's leg. "Kou?"
"Mm?"
Okay, good, he wasn't yelling. Gojyo lolled his head over Sanzo's leg. "Baby, I'm sorry-"
"You drop that 'baby' shit this second." Sanzo slapped the paper down on the bedspread. "'Darling,' 'babe,' those are fine. Baby is immature, and I will not have you acting childish for me. And for that matter, get up! Lowering yourself- you idiot, what is wrong with you?!"
There was the yelling. Gojyo wanted to yell back, but he cringed and hugged onto Sanzo's knee. "I'm sorry. I'm real sorry. I've been a dick all day. I can't control it." He felt Sanzo move, expected the fan, but instead felt a hand on the back of his head.
"I know you can't." Gojyo lifted his head at these words, and Sanzo touched his chin. "Do you think I am upset about your behavior? It's uncomfortable, yes, but I let go of it. I know you can't help it." His thumb brushed the hollow under Gojyo's eyes. "Were you crying again?"
"St-stop-" Gojyo backed away, and Sanzo's hand dropped. "Y'know how embarrassing that is for me?"
"I don't care. You shouldn't either. Now, get up off your knees and get in bed. You're exhausted, and I know it." Sanzo rolled from the bed and offered Gojyo a hand. "And for the record, I know you can take care of yourself. I'm not stupid, no matter how much you pretend otherwise. You don't need my help. I want you to have it for when you do, to know I'm here when you need me." Gojyo took his hand again, and got up to his feet. Sanzo stroked his knuckle with his thumb, and that clear voice lit up Gojyo's heart like a lantern: "You are going through the strain of expanding our family. It is difficult work. You have many months of this ahead of you, and it will only get harder. So, I will make you tea and bring you snacks and keep your hair from your face when you're ill and tolerate your anger, and even dry your tears if you can't stop them." He wrapped his arms around Gojyo, and Gojyo crumpled into his hold. Gods in Heaven, did he need this.
"You're too good. Just keep talkin' like this, and I won't care about everything wrong in my head."
Sanzo smoothed his hair back, an uncharacteristically sweet, intimate gesture. "Do you want to know something, Gojyo?" Sanzo kissed his ear. "I'm irritated with your mood swings, but I do think it's... cute... when you start to fall asleep." Gojyo's face took heat, as Sanzo kissed his other ear. "And do you want to know something else?" Gojyo had a chance to nod this time. "I did not have the chance to help you with Kana, and I was too much of a fool to help you with Yohei and Eiji. Doing this on your own again... don't do that to yourself. I'm here." Gojyo felt warm, and buried his face in Sanzo's shoulder.
"You're so damn sweet." He hugged him tight, and realized Sanzo was returning his embrace.
"I'm not. This is just what you deserve." He swung Gojyo around to seat him on the bed. "Are you feeling alright?"
"Fine, right now." Gojyo smiled, because it was true. "Better than I felt all day."
"Good." Sanzo folded his arms. "Just sleep in. Even when you get sick, just go back to bed. I can't stand looking at you so tired, even if I do find it cute when your head nods."
"M'kay." Sanzo kissed his forehead, and Gojyo felt exhaustion steal in again, and he dropped his back to the mattress. "You're too good for me, Kou."
"Not at all." Sanzo drew the sheets up. "I'm a selfish prick. In fact, I was just going to make a request." He traced his finger across the part of Gojyo's hair. "I want to know when the baby moves."
"Kou, that was in the plan-"
"The first time. No matter the time, no matter where we are or what we're doing. Tell me." He grabbed Gojyo's hand. "Wake me up if I'm asleep, run to the temple if I'm there. I'd like to know. Our child's health will make any stress from this process worth every ounce of effort."
"I'll tell ya. Promise." Gojyo settled on the pillow and let Sanzo tuck him in. Sanzo slid into the bed and turned off the light, and wrapped an arm around Gojyo. He heard a whisper of, 'it's okay,' into his ear, and closed his eyes.
Falling to a soft place he didn't earn, just because someone wanted to offer it. Even if he had a bad day, he felt safe and protected and loved. The rest of the day could suck, and he would still have this. If Sanzo had wanted to give Gojyo what Koumyou had given him, he was succeeding.
The next day was better. He still threw up, but Sanzo kept his hair behind his shoulders and rubbed his back, then brought him ginger tea and plain porridge. He only had to retreat to the backyard to punch the wall once. Sanzo followed him out, and even told him: "If you need to yell at me for a moment, just say so." He didn't need to yell at Sanzo, nor cry at all, though he felt himself get emotional when Sanzo complimented one of his arrangements, and Sanzo gave his shoulder a pat to calm him down, and offered again, "Just tell me what you need, and I'll give it to you." Sanzo still watched when he exercised with the boys, and Gojyo realized he was ensuring that he didn't put himself in danger. He curled up in bed with Sanzo that night, and fell asleep enveloped in his arms. He could distantly feel Sanzo's hand cup the skin under his navel, and realized that it wasn't as hard with muscle as it had been a few weeks before.
"Our child is growing," Sanzo murmured into his ear. "It's wonderful."
It really was, wasn't it? In spite of his inner turmoil, Gojyo was at peace. Maybe it all wasn't so horrible as he'd thought.
The days rolled on, and change came gradually. Gojyo's bouts of anger faded, his nausea waned like the moon in slow motion. He still dozed sometimes when he stopped moving, head drooping when he sat in his stool until Sanzo prodded him, or letting his eyes shut for "just a minute" during meal times and waking up on the sofa to the noise of Hakkai washing the dishes. Nothing all that intolerable, and with Sanzo's support, as easy as one could hope for. It was a few weeks into August, a few weeks after discovering his pregnancy, that Gojyo found something new entirely- he couldn't sit on his stool without spreading his legs just a little, to give room for the little bulge at his hips to sit without putting pressure on it.
"Shit, I'm starting to get fat." Sanzo turned in his chair away from a stack of paperwork and reports when Gojyo groaned, but relaxed to see a deprecatory little smile. "Kou, we gotta have a talk." He lifted his eyes and turned to face Sanzo, wearing a smile to quell any panic. "With the kids, I mean. I don't know what to say, but we gotta tell 'em somethin'."
"I've considered it myself." Sanzo nodded, though Gojyo could see his eyes skim over him. "Would you like to write a script?"
"Nah, you got a lot of work to do. Wouldn't wanna distract you. I'm just gonna think about it good and hard." He patted his middle, one big hand to shield the little ball of something inside. "I'll tell ya what I'm thinking when I think of it, but I'm open to suggestion."
"All I know is that we need to be honest with them, and tell them just enough that they understand."
"So, we need to figure out just how much they need to know." Gojyo dropped down from his chair. "Y'know, lemme see if there's anything in that baby book. There's gotta be something about big siblings in there."
Sanzo made a noise that was somewhere between a chuckle and a snort. "Imagine, you doing research." Gojyo flipped him off over his shoulder as he left, and Sanzo waited a moment, then peered out to the storefront. "He needs a chair with a back."
Hakkai giggled, and smiled up from the magazine in his hands. "He likes the chair he has. He can turn around easily in it."
"He can fall out just as easily." Sanzo's fingers curled around the door, knuckles white. "I'm going out." He stalked out the front door, brushing past some confused customers as he swept towards the marketplace. Hakkai held back another giggle, and Gojyo returned just in time to catch the door close.
"He had a lot of work to do, where the hell's he goin'?"
"He had something more important to do," Hakkai answered, and Gojyo scratched his head and rested his elbow on the banister.
"Huh. He's lucky he can't get fired from his job, if he's got his priorities scrambled."
"Oh, my!" Hakkai laughed, and the customers giggled now. "You'll find he has things put together better than you realize."
"Guess so." Gojyo put a hand on his hips and smiled at the window, as if he could still see Sanzo on the road. "Well, we've made it this far." He returned to his work, and offered unspoken thanks that life could be so quietly, simply content.
He didn't expect normal, but each little step forward made him feel a little closer to the safety he felt in Sanzo's arms.
End Notes: Has the plot slowed down? Maybe a little. But don't we all need a breather?
Flowers of the week!
Pussy-willow: Motherhood
Periwinkle: Early recollections, sweet memories
Next time: the new baby isn't the only one doing some growing. Remember, comments show me you care!
