Derpédex Chapter 52: Mega Evolutions Part 2
Oh good, they discovered more of them. Great. Well, you know what that means.
Lightning round, motherfucker
Beedrill
So, does this thing just never walk around? I don't see how it would, what with every single one of its limbs being a weapon of some kind. It must be tiring, having to fly eternally. Assuming it doesn't get squished, that is.
Pidgeot
How boring. Pretty much everyone else goes through some kind of big change when they evolve, and Pidgeot just gets some extra feathers. It's so boring I actually can't even think of anything to say beyond that. Next.
Slowbro
The Shellder clamped on to Slowbro's tail has finally reached its final form and begun to consume its host. Slowbro won't realize it's been eaten until about two weeks later, when it's already been digested.
Steelix
So it's normal Steelix, but with a ring of magnetic bullshit floating around it, it glows blue in some areas, and it has a moustache. Not nearly as bad as Pidgeot, but that's not saying a whole lot. It's not bad in battle, but really, you can do so much better than this.
Sceptile
I had some good things to say, but they're diminished due to the fact that this bitch has a fucking Christmas tree for a tail. That must be fucking awesome for contests, but absolute hell for fighting. Dress it up in order to show off to people, and have it get absolutely decimated in a fight because somebody grabbed its tail and won't let go. On the other hand, at least Santa will leave presents under Mega Sceptile's ass for you. It also gets the Lightningrod ability, for some reason.
Swampert
Someone's been hitting the weights. And they skipped leg day, it seems. That's not good for you, you know. It probably also skipped cardio, which is even worse. Put all that together and you've got someone who can bench press a fucking sedan, but can't run a mile to save their life. Hope you don't plan on battling for longer than fifteen seconds.
Sableye
Regular Sableye is already a bastard to deal with, so get ready for even more fun with this. Spoiler alert: it isn't fun at all. For the people fighting against it, at least. For the people using it, it's basically dropping a nuke on the battlefield. A wholly unnecessary discovery.
Sharpedo
Mega Sharpedo is the world's answer to the age-old question of what happens when you try to combine shit with gold; it's still shit, only this time it looks slightly prettier and comes with the disappointment of knowing that gold was wasted. Shitty in battle, but it looks like a submarine, so hopefully that keeps its trainers nice and warm while they try to stop losing.
Camerupt
I don't understand. All it did was turn into a turtle with a volcano on its back. Is this supposed to be an improvement? We already have Torkoal, we don't need Torkoal2.0: This Time With Even Fewer Redeeming Features edition.
Altaria
I can't find where the cloud ends and the bird begins. Anyway, Altaria is a bit of a jack of all trades in terms of both taking hits and giving them out. Don't be fooled, though; it can still kick ass and take names with the best of them. Too bad using it makes everyone think you're a pussy.
Glalie
So, am I supposed to wait until I start wetting the bed in order to go see a therapist, or should I just go ahead and schedule an appointment preemptively?
Salamence
Why the fuck does it look like a UFO? Normal Salamence actually looked pretty cool, but this one just looks like fucking shit. It's also overpowered as shit, so keep that in mind both when facing off against one and when selecting a Mega to use. Also, be prepared for someone to kick you in the head for being a cheap piece of shit.
Metagross
It's just normal Metagross turned on its side and boosted to hell and back. By which I mean it's completely and utterly awesome and will wreck people's shit.
Latias
It's like someone took a tank and made it fly. Good luck trying to inflict any major damage on this thing.
Latios
Now it's just getting unfair. What the fuck counters this shit that isn't also immensely overpowered? I swear, battles are looking less like schoolyard fights and more like arms races every day.
Rayquaza
Talk about being massively unfair. What happens when you power up something that's already capable of beating the shit out of pretty much anything that moves without taking a scratch? Nothing good for the guy fighting it, and a fucking orgasm for the guy using it, that's what. To put in perspective just how fucking overpowered this thing is; in a man-to-man fight against fucking God, Mega Rayquaza will win every time.
Lopunny
Not sure why, but this thing reminds me of a balloon animal for some reason. Also, it's nothing but more fetish fuel; its legs looking like it's wearing ripped pantyhose and the way it jiggles confirms that. I'd be mad if it weren't for my erection and the fact that Mega Lopunny is actually pretty decent in a fight.
Gallade
What's with the cape? Is it really necessary? It just seems like something extra for an enemy to grab onto and use to wreck your shit. Assuming they can even get near something whose arms can cut through pretty much anything, that is. But if they can, oh man, Gallade is absolutely fucked.
Audino
Given the choice between regular Audino and Mega Audino, I'd rather kill myself than use either one, because they're both amazingly bad. Mega Audino isn't even good fap material. Moving on.
Diancie
Like regular Diancie, but with a bigger dress. So, like regular Gardevoir compared to Mega Gardevoir. The only difference is that Mega Gardevoir is amazing, and Mega Diancie is only good. Also, do not look directly at the crystals, you will be blinded by their brightness and it will suck.
Now the question I'm forced to ask is when the fuck they're going to discover even more. Just watch, in twenty years everyone's going to have a fucking Mega Evolution. Eventually, they'll probably figure out a way to Mega Evolve without the stones, like a few of them already have. Write this date down, and just remember; in twenty years, when all this comes true, I fucking called it.
