Three months. Three month, and Donatello's feelings had not returned.
It had been a difficult time for him. Adjusting to life without emotions was a lot more challenging than he expected. He never realized just how much he relied on them to determine how to act in certain situations, and it made all of his interactions with April unbearably complex.
For the first couple of weeks, just thinking about April was painful, let alone talking to her. They quickly learned that they couldn't kiss without the pain causing him to black out. But steadily, the amount of fog and pain her felt around her decreased. He missed it; it was an indication to him that he did indeed at one point have feelings. But at least he could now kiss her without fainting.
Soon, it got to the point where he only felt the fog when he imagined he would have been feeling extremely intense emotions—and even then, it was only slight. The rest of the time, he didn't feel anything.
It made certain parts of ninjutsu incredibly easy. He had quickly regained his musculature and was now fighting with both increased and decreased skill. Nothing made him angry, or sad, so emotions could not break his concentration. But emotions had not really ever been his main problem with ninjutsu. It was always the tendency to calculate. Without any emotions, any gut responses, it seemed like he had to rely on calculations more than ever—which slowed him down.
His existence was completely flat.
On the plus side, he wasn't upset about it. Sometimes, he wished he could be upset about it. He wished he could be angry when Mikey did something that messed up his lab. He wished he could even feel annoyed, because Mikey had made it his mission in life to annoy Donnie persistently in hopes that it would bring back his feelings.
It didn't.
"What are you thinking about, my son?"
Donnie stood in front of the small shrine in the dojo, looking at Splinter's family portrait. "Hmm?"
Splinter laid a hand on Donnie's shoulder. "You have been standing there a while. What are you thinking about?"
"It hurt when you lost her, didn't it, Sensei?"
Splinter tilted his head to the side, as if he hadn't been expecting this question. "Tang Shen?"
"Yeah."
Splinter sighed. "As much as if my own heart had been cut from my chest."
"What if—what if you hadn't been able to feel that? What if when she died, all you felt was nothing, knowing that you should have been feeling everything?"
"Hmm. A curious question." Splinter stroked his beard absentmindedly. "I fear that it is one I cannot answer. But I sense that this is not the true question on your mind."
"I miss having feelings, but I'm not even upset about it. I should be, by all rights. And things happen around me all the time that I know should make me feel something. I'd give almost anything to have one feeling—even if it were a negative emotion." Donnie shook his head. "Sometimes, I think about hurting myself, just so that I can prove to myself that I'm still alive. Pain is the closest thing I have to emotions."
Splinter raised his eyebrows. "Have you ever acted on this?"
"Huh? No. No, that wouldn't make any sense to actually do that."
"Good. Surely there are other physical sensations which can prove to you that you are alive."
"Well, yeah. Kissing April, for example. That's a nice one. It still hurts a tiny bit, but other than that, it feels great."
Splinter put a hand over his mouth. Donnie couldn't tell if he was hiding a smile or masking embarrassment. In fact, at one point in time, Donnie would have been mortified to admit such a thing to Splinter. Now, he viewed the conversation as objectively trying to work through a conundrum.
"Sorry, Sensei. I didn't mean to make things awkward for you. It's just that you would think I'd have lots of emotions when April kisses me, but I don't feel anything beyond the physical. And I used to feel so strongly. I miss it."
"I cannot even begin to imagine what this must be like for you," Splinter said.
"I keep telling April that I love her. And I know that I do. I'd do anything for her. But…we seem to be arguing a lot. The fact that I don't have emotions really seems to bother her. I get the idea that she doesn't think I can really love her without feelings."
Donnie's phone went off. He pulled his phone from his belt and checked it. "April. She wants to go for a walk in the park tonight."
"It seems that she still wishes to spend time with you," Splinter said, his tone encouraging.
"Yes, but it's not the way it used to be. It's changed even since I 'woke up.' She's gotten colder, somehow. Like she's spending time with me out of a sense of duty, not that I make her happy. I want her to be happy."
"Hmm." Splinter picked up his old family portrait. "The simplest definition of love is putting another's needs ahead of one's own: sacrifice. That you are concerned with her happiness, regardless of your own feelings—or lack thereof—shows that you do indeed love her." He sighed. "You should stop trying to guess at what is in her mind. You must ask her about these things that trouble you."
"Yeah." Donnie took out his phone and started to text April back. "Thanks, Sensei. It's kind of ironic, really."
"What is?"
"The fact that if she doesn't want to be with me anymore, I won't be upset about it."
Splinter's expression was a mystery to Donnie. He had more and more trouble reading expressions the longer he went without feelings. Almost everything he suspected about April's attitude was based on little things she said and what he remembered about her body language, not actual emotions that he was able to pick up from her face and voice.
"Good luck, my son," Splinter said, laying a gentle hand on Donnie's shoulder.
"Thanks."
The night breeze rustled softly through the trees in Central Park. Leo and Karai stuck to the shadows, staying away from the lamps that lit the path.
Leo grinned. "You know, someday I'd like to come here during the day, when it's a little less creepy."
"Trust me, daylight doesn't make it any less creepy," Karai countered.
Leo chuckled. "All right. That stand of trees over there will be good for practicing camouflage and ambush. Do you want to go first, or should I?"
"I don't know, Leo. I think our training routine is getting a little stale. We need to change things up. Maybe see about getting some of the others to help us out."
Leo's heart sank slightly. His favorite thing about these training sessions was that it was just him and Karai—where they could be away from the teasing of his brothers, where they could talk freely about anything that was on their minds. "Well, um, Donnie is out with April tonight, and Raph and Mikey are on patrol, and Mei and Splinter are probably busy too…"
Karai grinned. "I think there's something going on between those two. April said that one time, Mei got all formally dressed up for Splinter."
"Er…well, maybe she just wanted an excuse to dress up or something."
"Are you really that naïve? There's obviously something there. I don't know why they haven't just come out and said it."
Heat rose to Leo's face. He wanted to cover for Splinter and Mei, but wasn't sure how to go about doing it. Because it really was undeniable at this point that something was going on—even Mikey had picked up on it—yet they still wanted to maintain silence on the issue. Leo casted about for something to say, something that might ease Karai's curiosity enough to eventually redirect the focus back to training. "Sometimes…it's hard to officially take that step forward together. Something might be there, but it's hard to admit it to others. Maybe even harder to admit it to themselves."
Karai's face suddenly went void of expression. "Are you talking about them, or us?"
Chills shot down Leo's spine. "Wh—what do you mean?"
"I know you feel it too, Leo," Karai said. Even in the darkness, Leo could see a hint of pink dance across her cheeks. "Maybe it's always been there. But…maybe it's time we stop pretending that there's nothing between us."
"Th—there's something between us?"
"I know you feel the same way I do."
Leo opened and closed his mouth a few times. "I didn't know that you felt…the way I do."
Karai looked down at her feet. "I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to trust you. Trust is…it's not easy for me. Especially since it's only been about ten months since we stopped being enemies. Especially since I've betrayed you so many times." She hesitated. "Especially since we are sort of related to each other."
"Aunt Mei says that it's not such a big deal that we're long-lost adopted siblings."
"So she talked to you, too?"
"Yeah. Like…ten months ago."
"Well." Karai shuffled her feet.
Leo scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah."
"You've always been there for me, Leo. Even when…even when I didn't deserve it."
"Well…I…"
"How long have you felt this way about me?"
Leo chuckled lightly. "Since we first fought in that alley."
Karai hugged herself. "I was afraid of that."
"What? Why?"
"I don't—I don't know how to do any of this."
Leo smiled. "You're not good at saying thank you. I don't expect you to be any better at…well, love." Just saying the word made his stomach flop. Was he really having this conversation with her? After all this time?
"You know, last week, I was talking to Mei about my mother. About how she and Splinter met, about how they fell in love. She said that Tang Shen liked Splinter ever since they met, and how she used to quote Shakespeare about how she felt about him."
Leo tilted his head. "Really? I knew Tang Shen liked Renaissance artists, but I didn't know she liked Shakespeare, too."
Karai nodded. "I'm not sure I'm remembering it right…but…it was something like this.
"It is to be all made of sighs and tears…
It is to be all made of faith and service…
It is to be all made of fantasy,
All made of passion and all made of wishes,
All adoration, duty, and observance,
All humbleness, all patience and impatience,
All purity, all trial, all observance…"
Chills shot down Leo's spine again. He had never heard Karai say anything like it before, so beautiful, so tender, so…not Karai…
"It's disgusting," Karai said, her voice angry. "Mushy. I almost hate it."
"Oh. Well. Um."
"But it's so…you, Leo. And I almost hate that you…I almost hate that I…I don't know how to feel. I don't really know what love is." She swore. "I certainly never learned what it was from my father."
Leo was at a total loss. "Um…"
"But maybe…maybe I can learn what it is from my mother." She stepped closer to Leo, making his skin prickle with sweat. "And from you."
Leo's hands started to shake. "Uh…I…uh…"
Karai stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against Leo's cheek.
Hesitantly, he put his arms around her and hugged her gently, placing an awkward kiss on her forehead.
"This is weird," Karai said.
His heart sinking, Leo let Karai go. "Yeah."
Karai frowned. "I didn't tell you to stop."
Just as Leo was about to put his arms back around her, he heard voices. "We'd better hide."
They stole away deeper into the shadows to wait for the people to pass. As they grew closer, Leo realized he recognized them. "It's Donnie and April," he whispered. He took a step forward.
"No," Karai whispered. "I don't want them to know we're here."
"I can't believe you, Donnie!" April's voice was filled with anger. "Is this you trying to break up with me?"
"No, April, I swear," Donnie said, his voice customarily flat. "I'm not trying to break up with you. But I don't think I'm making you happy anymore. I just want you to be happy."
"You want me to be happy? And you think that this will make me happier? Gah—if you had any feelings left at all, you'd know what a stupid thing it is to say that!"
"April, I can't help that my feelings are gone. But you know I love you."
"I do, huh? How am I supposed to know that when you don't feel anything? How am I supposed to know that when you're asking me if you make me happy anymore?"
In the dim light, Leo could see Donnie look at the ground. "If I still made you happy, the answer would be 'yes.' You wouldn't be angry at me."
April's mouth dropped open. She folded her arms. When she spoke, her voice was small and full of hurt. "How am I supposed to be happy when you can't love me? I know you're not doing it on purpose. It's not your fault that you're incapable of love."
"I still love you!" Even when Donnie's voice was raised, it was still flat. "Love isn't just feelings. It's sacrifice. And you know I'd sacrifice anything for you."
"You'd sacrifice for your brothers too. For Splinter and Mei and my Dad. For some random person who needs to be saved from the Kraang or the Purple Dragon. That's not proof that you love me."
"Hit me," Donnie said.
"What?"
"Just punch me in the face. If you're going to hurt me, you might as well do it in a way I can feel it."
I'm going to punch her in the face, Leo thought, steaming.
"I'm hurting you? I know you aren't trying to hurt me, but you hurt me every time I know you can't feel anything for me. Donnie, will you honestly feel any differently if we're together than if we're not together?"
"Of course I'd care, April—"
"I didn't ask if you'd care. I asked if your feelings would change."
"My feelings can't change if I don't have any." A hint of defeat colored Donnie's voice now.
"That's the point," April said.
"Well…if you'll be happier without me, then I guess we should break up."
"Maybe we should!"
"April…can we still be friends?"
Tears started rolling down April's face. "This is really happening, isn't it?"
"Yeah. I guess it is."
April sniffed loudly. "You'll always be my friend, Donnie. No matter what. I'll always care about you. But you're right. I'm not happy."
"Your happiness is all I care about," Donnie said, brushing a strand of hair out of April's face.
April took a step back. "I'm sorry, Donnie. I'm sorry I can't be with you."
"I know. Me too."
"Well, I guess we should go home."
"Yeah. We should."
"Want me to walk you back to your apartment?"
"Sure. Fine."
Without another word, the two walked away in silence.
"She's a freaking idiot," Leo said, fuming. "She's being selfish and immature. You know what? Donnie deserves better than her anyway."
"You deserve better than me," Karai said quietly.
"Karai—I didn't mean…"
"I know. But I don't think we should stop being friends with her—not if Donnie is still friends with her. You gave me a second chance. Give her one, too. Even if she is an idiot."
"You're right," Leo said. "Maybe we should go home, too."
But when he turned around, Karai had disappeared.
Leo found himself grinning. He drew his katanas. "So camouflage and ambush hasn't gotten stale, huh?"
Karai leapt out of nowhere, slashing her tanto. Leo blocked it just in time.
"What do you think?" Karai said, in a playful tone. "Should I hit you with some blinding powder?"
"No, I don't think that's—"
A sudden cloud of powder flew into Leo's face. He coughed and his eyes watered. "Karai!"
A minute later, Karai had Leo pinned to the ground.
"Not funny," Leo muttered.
"But definitely fun," Karai said. She kissed Leo full on the mouth.
And suddenly, the blinding powder didn't seem so bad after all.
