Fragments of Us
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: None for this chapter
Chapter 52 – Grief & Confrontations
As Kate awakened the following morning, she was immediately aware of two things: the ease with which her eyes opened on the day and the pressing warmth against her side. Turning her head, she saw the source of the warmth: Sirius was lying next to her, his body half on an adjoining bed and half on Kate's, his hand loosely curled around her own. 'I will be here when you wake up. I promise.' His words echoed through Kate's mind and she squeezed his fingers gently. His response was immediate and she was suddenly looking into his blue eyes.
"Good morning," he croaked, blinking the sleep from his eyes.
"Good morning," she responded, watching his face cautiously.
"How are you feeling?" Sirius propped himself up on one elbow to look at her.
"Ok. Not as tired, I think," Kate said quietly. She stretched and wiggled her toes and fingers. She smiled softly. "No pain."
Sirius exhaled in relief. "Good. Finally," he captured her hand again. "Do you want me to call Molly?"
Kate's brows drew together in confusion. "Molly Weasley is here?"
Sirius shook his head. "No. Sorry. I meant Molly Selkirk. She's been here since they brought you in a few days ago."
Kate turned her face away from him and looked up at the ceiling. "You know," she said, her voice almost too small to be heard. But Sirius had heard. He took her chin in his hand and gently turned her face back to him. "Yes," he said, simply.
Tears sprang to Kate's eyes but she did not look away this time. "We need to talk."
Sirius swallowed audibly. "I'll have Molly look at you first. If she thinks you're strong enough, then we'll talk, yes?"
Kate nodded. Sirius squeezed her hand gently and sat up. Throwing the blanket completely off, he quickly slipped on his socks and boots and, with a last smile at Kate, he left the room.
Entering the kitchen, Sirius was unsurprised to see Molly pouring coffee and, when she saw him enter, she automatically summoned a second mug for him.
"Good morning, child," Molly said, handing him his coffee. "You appear to have gotten some rest, after all."
Sirius took a healthy mouthful of the steaming brew and nodded. "I did. Molly, Kate's awake." He paused. "I asked her if she wanted to see you and she's realized that I must know about the pregnancy. She wants to talk about it, but I don't want to do it if she's not strong enough, especially…" Sirius stopped as he felt his emotions begin to rise.
"Sirius, you know that she will probably ask me if what happened to her hurt the baby," Molly said quietly. At his nod, she continued. "It would not be unusual for a healer to give that news to their patient, you know. I would be quite willing to do that, but you need to tell me if that is something you want me to do and whether or not you wish to be there."
Sirius was silent as he considered her words. "I think it would give her the answer if she asked that question and you left the room to get me before you answered. No, I think that it's better for Kate if you just let things happen and give her honest answers if she asks you. My part will come when you've finished, I think," he finished.
Molly patted his arm and left the kitchen to see her patient.
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Molly entered Kate's room and her delight at seeing her awake was more than obvious. "Good morning, my dear," she greeted her. "This makes a nice change," she added. "I've missed seeing those lovely eyes of yours."
Kate smiled. "Thank you. I've missed seeing you as well. Actually, I think I've missed seeing everyone."
Molly smiled. "I'd like to examine you if I might," she said. "Just relax and this won't take long." Molly withdrew the familiar pen and parchment, setting them up on the bedside table then, withdrawing her wand from her pocket, she began to run the diagnostic spells that would evaluate Kate's condition and the progress she was making healing from her injuries. As the typical diagnostic arcs formed and circled Kate, Molly felt her heart clutch as she saw Kate bring her hand to rest protectively on her abdomen.
Molly dutifully continued the evaluation process and, at its conclusion, she smiled at Kate, conjured a privacy screen to surround the bed then folded back the sheet to examine her physically. Her shoulder bruise was in full color, something Kate had noted when Molly removed the sheet. She'll realize I left it to heal on its own because of the baby and the curse damage, Molly thought. She's clever, this one; that won't have slipped by her. Molly pressed gently on several points of Kate's abdomen, checking for tenderness and was relieved to find that there was only one spot that drew a slight wince from the woman. Her ankle was much better. Bringing the physical examination to a close, Molly conjured a set of hospital robes and helped Kate into them. Once she was settled, Molly flicked her wand and Kate's bed shifted to elevate her upper body into a slightly raised position and was rewarded with a relieved smile from her patient.
"Let me just review the parchment, dear, so I can see how you're progressing," Molly said, removing the parchment and pen to a desk on the other side of the room for review.
As she checked the notes on the parchment, Molly was gratified to see marked improvement in the young woman's condition. Her energy levels were approaching a more normal point and the curse damage to her nervous system and muscles were also dramatically improved. As Molly's eyes scanned the remainder of the page, she noted that Kate's system was also moving in the right direction after her miscarriage.
"Will I live?" Kate's quiet voice came from the other side of the room, a half-serious smile on her face.
Molly turned and walked back to Kate, perching on the side of the bed to speak with her. "Yes, my dear, you will most definitely live," Molly assured her, watching Kate's face.
Kate returned her gaze, anxiety now very apparent on her face. "Neither of us is talking about the obvious, so I'll brave the question." She drew a deep breath. "What about the baby?"
Molly reached for Kate's hand and felt the woman's fingers close tightly around hers. "Kate, I'm so sorry," Molly said softly. "The effects of the repeated Cruciatus curse were too much for a first-trimester pregnancy to withstand. You miscarried the following morning."
Hot tears slipped down Kate's cheeks; both women were silent as her initial emotions were released. When she could bring herself to speak, Kate said, "It wasn't 'a first-trimester pregnancy' that died. It was a baby – my baby." She looked up at Molly. "You offered to tell me the sex of the baby when you confirmed my pregnancy. Would you please tell me now?"
Molly squeezed her fingers gently and sighed. "It was a boy."
Kate nodded and, after a few moments, gently removed her hand from the Healer's and wiped her face. Molly watched as the young woman closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. A short time later, Kate opened her eyes and the Healer was surprised at the level of her composure. She was dismayed, however, by the look of hopelessness and finality in Kate's eyes as well as her voice when she finally spoke. "Thank you for telling me and for taking care of me. I know that Sirius is aware of the pregnancy; does he also know that the baby died?"
Molly nodded slowly. "He does. He's very concerned about you, my dear."
Kate looked at the other woman levelly. "I'm sure that he is. I'm equally sure that he sees this as a betrayal of trust. I heard some of what he said when he was sitting with me over the last couple of days. I kept the pregnancy from him and I participated in a dangerous mission that ultimately killed his son. We've had trust issues over less than this, Molly. I can't imagine that Sirius will be willing to move forward from this one."
"Kate, you're just projecting what's happened in the past onto your current situation. You've no proof that Sirius feels that way –," Molly began, but stopped speaking when she saw Kate extend her right hand for Molly to see. The promise ring shone on her finger.
"This has been around Sirius' neck since just after Christmas. We had agreed that he would wear it that way to remind him of … well, promises he'd made that he tended to lose sight of when agitated." Kate paused, blinking rapidly. "If I have it on my finger now, it must be because he no longer feels the need to remember those promises."
"Listen, Kate," Molly said, her voice stern. "You are second-guessing a man who hasn't even had the chance to speak with you. What you may or may not have heard him say to you while you were drifting in and out of consciousness has little relevance until you hear Sirius say those words to your face now that you're awake."
Kate looked at Molly curiously. "You sound as if you know Sirius quite well," she observed.
Molly nodded and took her hand again. "I have spent much time with him since we came here. As I shared with Sirius, he reminds me a great deal of a boy I once knew – my son, who was killed in the first War with Voldemort. I've listened to his heartbreak in his fear for you and, yes, in his hurt that you did not tell him about your pregnancy. But there is something I heard in his voice again and again and that was the depth of his love for you. And that is a rare thing in this world."
Kate considered the Healer's words as she began to cry softly again. "Molly, do you know the one thing that Sirius used to say to me the most?" As the other woman shook her head, Kate said, "'I love you'. Sirius used to tell me he loved me countless times each day and each and every time he said the words, I could see the emotion in his eyes, hear it in his voice." Kate paused again, using her sleeve to wipe her cheeks. "I have not heard those words from him at all – in the one-sided conversations at night or since I awakened. Not once. I think I may have finally lost him and the fact that I'm wearing this ring seems to prove it."
"Kate, he's waiting to see you and I promised that I would fetch him once I'd finished with your examination. Before you make any decisions, talk with him," Molly said. "I implore you, Kate, do not dismiss this man out of hand. You've got too much history together to push him away."
Kate looked away from the Healer and did not respond. Molly released her hand, rose from the bed and left the room in search of Sirius. She didn't need to look far; the anxious wizard was pacing in front of the fireplace in the Great Room. When Molly emerged from Kate's room, he immediately went up to her.
"That took much longer than I thought it would," he said. "Is there more damage? Has something more gone wrong?" Sirius' blue eyes searched her face.
Molly shook her head. "No, not physically. I did have to tell her about the miscarriage, however and, understandably, she is not taking it well. Her emotions are dictating her thoughts and she's convinced that she's not only lost the baby, but you as well."
With a quick nod, Sirius headed toward the doorway.
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Kate was staring out the window when Sirius walked in. He caught his breath at the look of utter sadness on her face.
"Kate," he spoke softly as he approached her bed.
"It's really snowing," she replied, turning from the window to look at him.
"Late winter storm," Sirius said, sitting on the bed in the space recently vacated by Molly. "They're always fierce here."
"Mmm," was the reply.
"Talk to me," Sirius whispered, taking her hand in both of his and holding it tightly.
Kate's eyes filled. "I don't know how." She wriggled free from his grasp and put both hands over her face, weeping silently. Sirius stood up and pointed his wand at the bed, watching as it widened, silently. He removed his outer robes, his boots and socks and slid under the covers. Kate felt the movement of the bed and turned in his direction.
"Like always, Katie. Just talk to me," he said again, lying on his side and leaning against the pillows to face her. "Here, turn over so I can see all of your face, yeah?"
Kate slowly adjusted her position and they were soon lying facing each other. "Where do I start?" she murmured.
Sirius took her hand. "How about from the beginning?"
Kate closed her eyes, tears sliding down her face.
"Shh," Sirius squeezed her fingers. "Katie, why didn't you tell me?"
Kate took a deep breath. "I just … I couldn't. All I could picture was your face, asking me how we could have a child when you weren't free, when you were stuck in Grimmauld Place, when you weren't whole, when we were at war. I saw you losing all the ground you'd gained, worrying about the future, worrying about me every single time I wasn't with you. I knew you'd be miserable. I thought that maybe with this Mission – and so many Death Eaters – so close to Voldemort – we'd see Peter or hear about him. If we could even get close enough to learn where he was…even better, close enough to capture him, turn him in to the Ministry you'd be free and …"
"…and we'd live happily ever after, yeah?" Sirius finished. "Why didn't you consider that maybe it would have made me happy to know that you were having my child? That it might have given me something to hang onto, to hope for, to look forward to? Why did you automatically think I'd go off the deep end? Do you think any progress I've made is so easily lost in the face of trouble? Do you think I'm only better for a while, until the next thing happens, and then I regress back to Azkaban? That's a pretty hopeless view of me, Kate."
"We were already working on so much in our relationship; I didn't want to add more stress to it," Kate said. "I didn't want you to have more to think and worry about unless you had to."
"But that wasn't your choice to make, Kate. That's what we fought over just before the New Year, when you gave me the ring back to help me remember what I promised you. We said we would tell each other the truth, that we wouldn't keep things from each other…" Sirius fought to keep his voice level as his anger and frustration rose.
"…this was different," Kate interjected, sitting upright.
Sirius did the same. "Why?! Because it was your secret? Your decision?"
"Because I thought I had more time! Time to catch Pettigrew and clear your name. Time to figure out what we were going to be to each other. Because it happened in the middle of so many other things that had to be dealt with." Kate stopped to catch her breath. "Because I felt responsible for it happening in the first place. Because the timing was horrid and I needed to figure out when and how to tell you and I couldn't even find the time to sit down and think about it all. Because I thought I was protecting you from more pressure and more stress."
"It wasn't your secret to keep," Sirius spat. "That was my child, too."
Kate was silent, staring down at her hands, trying to bring her breathing under control.
"It was my child," Sirius said again, quietly. "And I had a right to know about it."
"I know you did, Sirius; I know that. And, for what it's worth to you, I struggled with the decision not to tell you. Even as early as that night that Tonks came to dinner and I fell asleep on all of you in the library, I wanted to tell you. I just thought … well, you know what I 'just thought', don't you? Anyway, none of it matters anymore. There is no child any longer – and that's my fault, too. I thought I was so clever. Using powdered Hellebore to render me invisible. I guess I missed the part about pregnancy shortening the efficacy of that herb," Kate said, bitterly. "Ironic, really. That herb, combined with my own stupidity, effectively shortened the pregnancy, didn't it?"
"Lucius Malfoy is responsible for what happened to you," Sirius said. "The baby died as a result of the Cruciatus. Whether or not you reappeared, he would have seen the point from which the spells and curses were being sent; he could have cast successfully once he had done so. You're an Auror; you know that."
"I shouldn't have gone. I should have told Kingsley to have someone else take the potion, someone else operate covertly – Tonks, anyone. I should have stayed behind," Kate said.
"You can't change that, now. It's done. It's over," Sirius responded, sadly.
Kate's eye caught the Promise ring on her finger. "As we are," she said.
Sirius' head snapped up at her words. He reached across the space between them and took her hands, stopping her from removing the ring. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"Even if we love each other still, it's obviously not enough. I heard the things you've said when you've been sitting here – well, some of the things, anyway. We have such short times when we're happy with each other and the rest of the time we just cause each other pain. Maybe you're right, there's something about us that prevents us from trusting completely – there must be. Maybe all the things that have happened before – all the suspicion in the first War, our differences over Harry, suspicions about fidelity – maybe they were all warning signs. Maybe we've always been fighting for something that isn't right, ignoring the signs and pushing forward. Maybe this – losing the baby – happened because we needed to finally realize that we're just never going to have anything healthy or normal together," Kate said wearily, trying to tug her hands free of his. Sirius tightened his grip and his eyes bore into hers.
"Is that what you believe, Kate?" he demanded.
"Doesn't matter," she said wearily. "You believe it and even though this time it's all my fault, it doesn't take away from the fact that we've ended up in the same spot once again. You put this ring back on my finger. You said …"
"So, you're going to base our entire future on things you overheard while you were quasi-conscious, is that it?" Sirius dug in, preparing for the fight of his life – of both their lives. "Because if you are, then I think I should get a weigh-in on the whole outcome, don't you?" When Kate said nothing, Sirius released her, rose and, barefoot, began walking slowly around the foot of the enlarged bed, arriving at the chair where he had spent so much time over the past few days. He pulled the chair closer to Kate's side of the bed and perched on the edge of the seat. "Now, you seem to have taken responsibility for deciding how I feel – or how I would feel about all manner of situations that occur in my life. You don't trust me to handle those situations and emotions on my own. Some of that opinion would be justified if you only looked at how I've behaved in the weeks leading up to the New Year. I was definitely more unpredictable and volatile at that time. I've been pretty bloody good since then, though, but apparently, that doesn't count for much; that's a truly temporary improvement: poor, mad Sirius will certainly go back to his uneven ways sooner or later. We can't trust him to stay sane." He paused for breath.
"Stop it," Kate whispered, her gaze firmly fixed on her hand.
"We go through all of this shite together, trying to re-learn each other and how to behave and how to have a relationship again. We actually started to figure it all out. Oh, yeah – we made mistakes – a bloody load of them. We shed more tears, caused more pain, slammed more doors and yelled ourselves hoarse over things that shouldn't have happened. We got through that all right, though, didn't we? We loved each other enough to work through it. We fought like cats through some of it, but it was important to us to do that. Somehow, even though we were pissed as hell at each other, we knew we were worth hanging onto. And then, we made a baby together, Kate. A baby. But you decided that I couldn't know about it. Ok. We've gone there. I was mad as hell at you for not telling me. For not trusting me enough to tell me; and yes – I rambled on and on, sitting right in this chair, saying everything that came to my mind. I don't even remember some of it, truth be told. But I do remember telling you how much it hurt me that you decided I shouldn't know about our child. And it did – it does. I remember saying that love must mean different things to both of us. I think that's true. For me, I can be so angry with you I can't see straight and I can still love you more than anything else in my life. Apparently, you don't think that's possible. And I remember saying that I wondered if loving each other was enough any more." Sirius nodded his head. "Yeah, I do remember that. Know why? Because I've actually said those words to other people. To Tonks. To Molly. To Remus. Know what they said? They told me that I was foolish to walk away from you. Molly said that she could see how much I loved you every time I sat next to you – or talked about you – or said all of those things that you only heard pieces of. Those things that make you think we should be "over" and "done with". I've got to ask myself, if this woman who doesn't really know either one of us can see that I love you – why can't you? And why is it easier for you to believe things you half-heard than the things I'm saying to you now?" Sirius began picking at a loose thread in the blanket. "Look, we created – and lost – a child together, Kate. I'm as responsible for that life as you are and I am as heartbroken about its loss. But instead of grieving this child together, you're telling me that I'm also losing you. And I'm losing you because – again – you're assuming my feelings. You think that I don't want you anymore. Because of things you heard. Because of a piece of jewelry that has, quite frankly, become more trouble than blessing." Sirius reached over and withdrew the ring from Kate's finger. "You want to get rid of this so badly? Fine. I'll make that happen for you." And with that, he placed the ring in the palm of his hand, withdrew his wand and murmured an incantation. The ring vanished. He took a deep breath and softly asked.
"Your call. Do you want me to disappear just as completely? If you honestly think that we have no love left between us – or that what we do have isn't enough to build a life together – I'll go back to Grimmauld Place. I'll move my things out of your room. Hell, I'll even pack up your room for you so you won't have to stay at Headquarters anymore. I'll bring you copies of the Daily Prophet so you can look for a flat; you were doing that before you moved in with Remus and me anyway." Sirius felt his breath hitch in his chest. He looked at Kate and saw her color rise. "Look at me," he whispered, his throat constricting. When Kate didn't move, he got up and sat in front of her on the bed. "Look at me," he repeated, putting his hand under her chin and gently lifting her face. "You tell me what you want – not what you think is best for me. If you don't want to be with me any longer, you tell me – now. I'm not going to guess and I'm not going to make the decision for you. If we're not important enough to fight for any longer, tell me so. If this child was the last straw for you and you don't think we can move away from this, say it. You won't see me again. I'll leave straight away and go back to Grimmauld Place. When Molly releases you, you can stay with Tonks or Kingsley's family or perhaps Tonks and Remus can find a flat for you and you can just move in there. I can't leave Headquarters, so there's no chance we'll bump into each other." Kate started to cry but didn't look away from him. "Tell me, Katie. Say the words. I love you so much that I'll give you what you want if it makes you happy. I'm tired of giving speeches, Kate; they don't seem to do a damned bit of good anyway. I'm done." With that, he lowered his hand to his lap and waited.
Kate watched his face. She knew he meant every word he had said to her. He'd let her go if she wanted him to. He'd let her walk out of his life if that's what she wanted from him. Kate closed her eyes. She was usually the one who calmly laid out how she felt; she was the one who generally put the choices on the table for Sirius to react to them. He was the one with the emotional response to everything – a knee-jerk reaction to things that frightened him or threatened him or those he loved. He was frightened, that she knew – and so was she. Terribly. She knew she'd been wrong about the baby, but she thought she knew what was best for him. She hadn't. She also thought she'd lost him, yet apparently, she was wrong again. He was willing to fight for them both. Maybe she didn't know everything she thought she did. She pictured living alone, with no contact with Sirius, no relationship with him, and images of her life in Washington flashed through her mind. She had felt more alone than she could ever remember. Even though she had thought he'd betrayed them all, she had still loved him – and that love had been enough for her to come back to England, to accompany Remus to Grimmauld Place that chilly September afternoon.
Kate opened her eyes and found Sirius staring back at her, anxiety showing in his eyes, but his face resolute. She took a breath.
"Don't go," she whispered.
