Adele brought lunch into the living room, where Bobby was watching a documentary about African predators and their prey. She set it on the coffee table in front of him. Grilled ham and cheese with tomato soup and a glass of apple juice. She returned to the kitchen to clean up while he ate.
When she returned for his dishes, he looked up at her. "Adele?"
"Yes, dear?"
"How long have you known my, my mother?"
"Ever since the colonel first brought her home to meet the family. That would be over thirty years now."
"What was she like...back then, I mean?"
Adele sighed softly and thought back through the years. "She was a quiet one, shy and reserved...and very clearly, she loved the colonel. Of course, he wasn't a colonel back then. The wedding was beautiful, and they have been devoted to each other ever since."
"Missy and Ethan...did they have a good childhood, a happy one?"
"Yes. James and I saw to that. When the colonel was gone, we protected them from their mother's episodes, when she had them."
"What was she like...with the kids?"
"When she was herself, she was a good mother. We did our best to make sure she took her medication, and that kept her stable, for the most part, when she took it. Her disease is severe, though, and sometimes, the medication was not enough. That much has not changed. Her disease..." She looked sad. "Her disease cost the colonel a great deal, but he never regretted a moment of his life with her. He's a good man."
"Do you think...he deserved better?" he asked hesitantly.
She lowered herself to sit beside him, smiled kindly and reached out to lay a warm, soft hand on his cheek. He imagined her comforting Missy and Ethan in the same manner over the years. Reaching up, he took her hand and held it in his. Seldom in his life had he received any maternal comfort, and he wasn't comfortable with it, but he did not refuse what she offered him.
"It's not for me to say," she said softly. "But I don't believe that the colonel has ever felt that way."
"You said that her disease cost him a lot. Just what did it cost him?"
When she hesitated, he encouraged, "Please. I doubt he would ever tell me himself. I...I need to know. She...She is my mother..."
Adele sighed and squeezed his hand. "He turned down assignments that would have been good for his career, and he had to ask for humanitarian reassignments when her disease was out of control. James and I could only do so much, trying to make certain she took her medicine. She would become angry, abusive, and there was nothing we could do except protect the children and let the colonel know how things were at home."
His eyes took on a faraway look as he delved into memories of his distant past, memories he had tried to put behind him, with limited success. Softly, he said, "But she was often non-compliant and refused her medication when the colonel was away. Even when he was home, she sometimes faked taking it. Then she would destabilize and become paranoid. She would lock herself in her room and she believed that demons were after her and her children. She ranted that 'they' were coming to get her or to get them."
Adele nodded, surprised by the accuracy of his description. "She had to go into the hospital when 'they' began to come back, before she hurt herself or someone else. James and I always did our best to keep the children away from her when she had her episodes. Sometimes, I would have to take them to East Hampton and James would stay to deal with her until the colonel came home or we could get her into the hospital, with his permission."
Bobby shifted in his seat. James and Adele had been better able to protect Missy and Ethan than Frank had been able to protect him, and he was glad for his younger siblings. He remembered the closets, the beatings, the abuse. Frank tried to protect him, but he was still a child himself, unable to protect his little brother from the abuse of both parents. "They were very lucky to have you," he said sincerely.
"What do you remember about her?"
Bobby rubbed the back of his head. "I...I, uh, I don't remember a lot."
"Tell me what you do remember," she encouraged.
"She...She read to me at bedtime. But I don't remember, uh, I don't remember her making us dinner or taking us to the park or anything that parents usually do with their children. Maybe she did and I just don't remember most of the...uh, the good things."
"You remember other things?"
He hesitated. "I do," he finally admitted. "My dreams of the past, of my childhood, are nightmares. It's not something I have been able to put behind me."
Adele patted his arm. "I was horrified to learn that she had abandoned you and your brother. We all believed her story about the fire. We had no idea it was another one of her delusions."
He shrugged. "To her, I'm just...a bad memory, come back to haunt her."
"Don't think that, Bobby. She's a sick woman. Schizophrenia is a terrible disease. It's frightening for everyone involved."
"Yeah, I remember that much."
She made a soft sound of sympathy. "I'm sorry."
His mouth turned up into a small smile. "It wasn't your fault. You have no reason to apologize. After she left, life got a little better and a lot more stable. My brother took good care of me."
"I'm glad, but you boys needed parents."
"Children don't always get what they need. I was lucky that Frank kept me out of foster care. It wasn't easy."
"How old was he when she left?"
"Fifteen."
"How did he manage to avoid foster care for both of you?"
"A lot of fancy fibbing. He led our teachers to believe our father was around. When he turned eighteen, he was able to get custody of me. Between us, we were able to get the bills paid and keep ourselves fed. Frank worked two after school jobs and I stocked and delivered groceries for the people that owned the bodega down the block from us. They paid me under the table because I was underage and they were aware of our situation. Every couple of months they paid our rent." He sighed. "We survived."
Adele placed her hand over his, her face a picture of sympathy. "It breaks my heart, what you boys went through."
"Don't feel bad for us. I had a better life with Frank than I did before Mom left. Frank never hurt me. He never locked me in a closet or tried to beat the demons out of me. I was never terrified of anything when it was just my brother and me...well, nothing except getting taken away from him. As a child, I never learned to trust anyone but Frank, but over time, I managed to get past that. I trust...a few people. Very few."
"I'm glad," she said with a smile.
Rising, she took his plate and returned to the kitchen. She brought him his medicine and began preparations for dinner while he settled back into the couch and returned his attention to the television.
Adele came out of the kitchen to answer a knock at the door, hoping it hadn't disturbed Bobby. He was awake, and he'd started to get up but she beat him to it and he stayed where he was, trying not to be annoyed.
When Adele let the colonel into the apartment, Bobby tensed, but when no one else followed him into the living room, he relaxed. As Adele returned to the kitchen, Sutter smiled at his stepson. "I came alone," he assured him. "I just wanted to stop by to say hello and to see how you're feeling."
Like a good father, Bobby thought with less bitterness than he expected. "I'm not really sure how I'm feeling, colonel. I...I've had a lot of things come up lately that have caught me off-guard, and I really don't know how to feel about them."
Sutter nodded, sitting in the recliner when Bobby motioned at it. "I understand that. How is your injury?"
He rubbed his fingers over the healing wound. "It's...annoying as hell."
"And it makes you uncomfortable."
Bobby frowned. "Not as uncomfortable as reliving the past, especially when the past wasn't so good the first time around."
"What about now?" Sutter asked. "Is now better for you than then was?"
Bobby's mind strayed to his partner...friend...lover. Whenever he considered anything that was good in his life, she always came to mind. She was the best part of his life.
"Yes," he answered. "Now is much better."
A heavy silence settled between the two men. Bobby needed to change the subject. He was tired of constant reminders of a past that could have been but wasn't. "How is Missy?" he asked.
Sutter's expression was sad. "She's had a complete break with reality, and the doctors are having difficulty finding the right combination of medications to bring her back to us. This is the beginning of a long, difficult road for Missy, for all of us."
"Her husband..." Bobby began.
"Matthew? What about him?"
"What kind of man is he? Will he...be able to, uhm, to handle her...illness?"
"He's a good man, a devoted father and husband. It's not like this is a surprise. We've seen it coming. Matthew has experience with Frankie's episodes, and he has prepared himself. He loves Missy. I have no doubt that he will handle her illness with the same courage and spirit that he has always shown."
"And the baby..."
"We will always protect Tony..." He paused, then added, "The way you and Frank should have been protected."
Bobby got to his feet suddenly. "Could have, would have, should have! The past is past, colonel," he said angrily as he paced restlessly. "Whatever it might have been, what purpose does it serve for you to constantly remind me that it could have been different but wasn't?"
Sutter looked down at the floor, at a rare loss for words. "I'm sorry, son," he said. "I...I don't know what else to do, how to express the regret I feel so deeply."
Bobby waved his hand in the air. "I don't know how to help you with that, but I need you to stop telling me what my life could have been, because it can never be what you wish it was. I-I appreciate how you feel. Now I need you to understand how I feel."
Before Sutter could answer him, the door opened and Alex came into the apartment. She stopped and looked from Sutter to Bobby. "Am I interrupting?" she asked.
Reluctant to take out his anger on her and annoyed at the interruption of her arrival, Bobby turned and went down the hall to his bedroom, slamming the door. Sutter made a soft noise as he stood up. "I came by to see how he is feeling, but I upset him."
"How?"
Adele stepped out of the kitchen, drawing their attention to her before he could answer. "Dinner is ready," she said. "Are you staying for dinner, colonel?"
Sutter shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea. I'd better be going. Do you need a ride home, Adele?"
She hesitated, and Alex motioned at her. "Go home with the colonel, Adele. I can finish up in the kitchen."
"I'll get my things," Adele agreed.
Alex turned back to the colonel. "Do you want to tell me what happened, colonel?"
Sutter paused, gathering his thoughts. "I'm a man of action, detective. All my life, I have tried to do the right thing. Had I known all those years ago that my wife had two sons..." He shook his head slowly. "I don't know how to deal with that, and I'm afraid I've just made things worse by continuing to remind him of a life that he could have had."
Alex nodded slowly, understanding. "I'll talk to him."
"I'll try to stop bringing it up. I just...I wish I could make it up to him."
"Colonel, it's not your mistake to correct. There's nothing for you to make up for. You aren't responsible for the things your wife has done, and all of this...it's something that Bobby has to come to terms with on his own. He has to make peace with what happened and with how he feels about what could have been. He may never be able to forgive his mother, but you did nothing wrong."
"My biggest fear is that he will never be able to look at me and not see his mother's mistake."
Alex understood his fear. "All I can say is give him time. He's a forgiving man with a good heart. I'm sure he'll give you a chance, in time."
"I hope you're right."
She smiled. "I'm sure I am."
Adele joined them. "Dinner is all ready to serve," she said.
"Thank you," Alex replied. "We'll see you in the morning."
"Good night."
Sutter squeezed Alex's shoulder. "Thank you, detective."
Alex went into the kitchen, set the table and dished out the pasta Adele had prepared. Then she went down the hall to talk to Bobby.
