A/N: Happy Holidays guys! I kept having trouble uploading, but I never gave up! Just in time for Christmas, here is the first of the four Yule chapters! Yeah, Yule is over, but you can't control site errors...damnit. This a bit short, and was thought-up months ago on a whim, so please enjoy it. More to come, I assure you~

Enhanced Fruitcake of DOOM

It's Christmas Eve, and we now join Cloud and Sephiroth as they sit quietly in their home. The two lovers were snuggled under a large blanket on the floor in the living room, their enormous tree covered in ornaments and sparkling lights. They had a great theme going – black and blue, just perfect for those two. The preceding sentence was indeed rhymed on purpose.

Cloud sighed contentedly and snuggled closer to his lover, his eyes watching Dreizehn as the dog slept soundly in front of the fireplace. The image itself was cute, classic in every way possible, however the dog had a bit of bad luck when it came to flames. The mutt's blond owner glanced at a bucket of water sitting beside the tools for the fireplace and relaxed somewhat, finally falling to sleep in Sephiroth's arms.

That is when things started to go wrong. Suddenly something came crashing through their front family room window, an object wrapped in red wrapping paper and about the size of a cinderblock. Both men sprang up and ran to find the front window shattered, glass covering the floor. Dreizehn, being the epic dog he is, had run up from his spot in front of the fire and through the back doggie-door to track down who it was.

Dreizehn ran out into the backyard, sniffing the ground until he met a familiar scent. His tail wagged as he leapt upon Zachary Fair who had been waiting for the dog to find him.

"Hey boy." Zack whispered to the canine. "Spike's mother forgot to take me off her list this year, I just wanted to return something to him, okay?" He patted the dog on the head and pulled out a large bone for him to gnaw on. "Here you go boy, merry Christmas." And he was gone.

Back inside, Sephiroth had torn open the wrapping paper, only to drop what he had seen. "Mother..."

It was her dreaded Christmas Fruitcake. The solid brick of food never changed – Hell, she never even made one anymore! The same damn cake would be passed from person-to-person each year, everyone pretending it was new, while everyone knew it sure as Hell wasn't. Now the spawn of Jenova looked down at the offending 'treat', quickly deciding how to get rid of it.

"Cloud, get me a sledge hammer." The blond quickly ran into the garage while Sephiroth picked up the heavy – yes, even heavy to him – cake and carried it outside. Once in the snowy yard, the silverette set down the brick and watched his lover run out to him with their biggest hammer. "Get behind the Hummer, I don't want this hitting you." Cloud nodded, in full understanding of the situation, and ran back into the garage, crouching behind the large gas-guzzler. Sephiroth took a full swing and slammed the head of the tool into the cake.

The hammer fucking ricocheted back and flew out of the General's hands right into another window.

"Damnit!" Sephiroth sat down on the ground, soaking his pajama bottoms with the snow, and stared a the fruitcake. Cloud walked down and knelt beside him, both men using all their military training to deduce a solution to their problem.

"How about we throw it?" Cloud suggested after a good five minutes in the snow.

Sephiroth nodded and the two of them headed for the roof. Once upon the steep grey platform high above the ground, Cloud clutching onto the chimney for his dear life, the silver-haired male pulled back his arm and threw the fruitcake as hard as he could, sending it hurtling towards the ground.

It slammed into the asphalt on the road, cracked the black surface, and bounced right back to slam into another window of the house. Somehow, after hitting a priceless heirloom, the cake rebounded back into the snowy lawn.

Up on the housetop, Sephiroth growled at the cake and jumped straight down onto the ground beside it. Cloud, though with the same training along with his fear of heights, did not use his lover's means of transportation, and walked through the house to get back down to the older man.

They stood over the cake, watching it, daring it to make another move.

"Fetch me my blowtorch."

Cloud gulped and ran to fetch the desired tool once more. When he returned, to his pleasure, the General had taken off his silk pajama shirt in preparation for the awesome heat. The blond handed the flame-gun over and stepped back behind the taller man. Sephiroth, without a damn mask of course so do not try this at home, began shooting at the cake with reckless abandon. In fact, Cloud noted, you could see a sort of sadistic gleam in the man's eyes as he torched the fruitcake. It would have been incredibly sexy, if Cloud hadn't seen that same gleam in his lover's eyes in the midst of a certain burning town before.

The fruitcake was still standing, strong and proud, right there between the two males once the fire around it had died down. Sephiroth once again growled at the thing.


It had gone on straight through the night. Sephiroth and Cloud spent hours coming up with new ways to destroy the damnable holiday treat, with no luck on any of their attempts. It was now Christmas morning, and the two males were sleeping in their bed, both too tired to get up and care about presents and what-not.

When one of them finally did awake, though, they found something quite peculiar about the fruitcake. Sephiroth had turned over in his bed, Cloud's face nuzzling his broad chest, and found the cake sitting on his beside table.

They had left it in the yard hours ago.

The General's eyes widened as he stared at the cake, waiting for it to make a move of some sort, but nothing happened. He shrugged it off and turned his attention to the windows overlooking the small wood behind them. It was still snowing. He smiled a little and nudged the sleeping blond.

"Cloud. Cloud, wake up, it's Christmas."

"NnnnI don' wanna..." Cloud snuggled closer to his lover's warm body and then found himself being pulled up by strong arms. "Huh?" He looked up to find Sephiroth smirking at him, both still lying in bed, but now with the blonds' face on the same level with the General's.

Sephiroth kissed him, attempting to slip his tongue into the warm mouth, but instead being pushed away.

"Seph...you have morning breath." Cloud grumbled, pushing himself off the larger man to sit up and look around. His heavy eyes settled on the fruitcake, completely ignoring his lover's hurt look. "How da fuck did that get 'ere?" He mumbled, staring at the offending thing.

Sephiroth sat up as well. "I thought you might have put it there."

Cloud's eyes were suddenly fully open. "No I didn't..."


Sephiroth stood in the kitchen preparing breakfast for his blond lover, the eggs sizzling in the pan, Dreizehn gnawing on some bone he found in the yard. He smiled at the dog and scratched him behind the ears before turning to grab the bacon from the fridge. And he stopped.

The fruitcake was perched atop the microwave now, watching him, mocking him, shaking him to his very core with it's unknown brown matter and colored dots. Sephiroth stared at it, frozen in place as he specifically remembered never removing the thing from his room upstairs.

Cloud chose that moment to come into the kitchen to find out what his lover was up to. The blond too stopped and stared at the cake. "Seph?" His eyes never left the fruitcake. "How...?"

"I don't know." Sephiroth answered.

It continued throughout the day; Sephiroth would go somewhere in the house, find the fruitcake mocking him in a new place every time, freak out a little, and repeat. It wasn't until that evening that he finally broke down.

"Damnit! What the Hell is going on?" He threw the cake onto the floor in his and Cloud's bedroom, creating a nice hole going straight down to the next floor. With a frustrated sigh at having to postpone sex for a damn fruitcake, Sephiroth marched downstairs to throw it again for good measure.

This is when Dreizehn started sniffing the cake, and after smelling Zack's scent all over it, took a bite at it.

It fucking worked.

"Cloud! Get down here!" Sephiroth called with insane glee. The blond came running down the stairs wearing close to nothing – in other words a pair of black silk undies – and stared at his dog. Dreizehn continued to eat away at the holiday treat with utter happiness at feeling useful. Spehiroth, once the dog had finished eating, actually got down on his knees and hugged the mutt close to him. "Thank you." He breathed.

And you all wanna be let-in on a little secret? Cloud was the one moving the fruitcake from place-to-place the entire time.

Happy Holidays!