(Dez)
He hides it so well. It's almost scary, how easily he's able to dismiss and hide things. Hasn't it been long enough? It's not like, I don't know what he's hiding. He's learned to keep it to himself, to never open up about it. I'm not one of those emotional soul-bearing types, either, but…but I think if he doesn't soul-bare soon it might kill him. If not, then break him. Charon is strong, on the outside. But yet I've seen him fall. I've seen him crumble and shake, from the inside out. At the end of the day, especially since his contract is gone, he's only as strong as he wants to be. As strong as he thinks he is.
I would listen to him, if he told me. I'd hear his words, and I'd care. He's probably not use to that, and if he doesn't tell me in his own time, then I'll have to force it. After over two-hundred years of keeping most of his life inside, he has to let it go. He's taken enough beatings, taken enough hits and punches, to last a lifetime. Eventually, he'll have to drop this isolated fear, and share it with me. In a sense, I think he's trying to protect me. Protect me from hearing the imperfect image he once was. But, Charon doesn't know, I've never been perfect, either. We all have horrible secrets. Pasts we don't want to share, even me. If he tells me, I won't think any less of him than I do now. Nothing will change between us, except maybe his closeness to me.
All that hurt and pain he carries inside, I know it's there. He can't save himself, from himself. That should be my doing, right? Last night, he woke me up. I'm sure he doesn't remember it, since he was sleeping but I do. I do, and it bothers me we didn't have time today to talk about it. Maybe tonight we will, but I'm not sure. The rain, it feels nice, and I lean my head back to face it.
Last night, Charon cried out in his sleep. He was muttering something, words I didn't understand in my groggy haze, and he was clutching me like I clutch him. Tight, close, afraid to let go even for a second. I was drifting back to sleep, when I heard him mention something about Ahzrukhal. It's how I came to the conclusion that his past, is really affecting him these days. Charon's by all means, mentally unstable. Sure he seems level-headed and calm, compared to me, but someone with that much hurt inside, and that much training, can't be very secure. Secure meaning, not going to snap.
If something happens, I know he will. I've never seen the full extent of his training, because if I did I'm not sure I'd survive it. I guess it would be, to him a blind rage at this point. There's things he was trained to do, that aren't used as often as others. It doesn't mean they're not there, all it means is that they're itching and dying to come out. Hopefully, soon, those things will be softened and quieted. I want him to talk to me, so maybe then, I can help him.
When I let go of his hand, he looks at me for a long time. It's like he doesn't know me, or recognize me, and is wondering why this strange girl just touched him. As changed as he is, Charon is still the ghoul he was in Ahzrukhal's employment. Still the ghoul he was the first night we met. Only now, he's able to vocalize much, much more. I think that's a bit dangerous, too. Everything he does, has a dangerous undertone.
"How far until we reach the vicinity of Fort Independence?"
Charon asks, rubbing his wet head with his wet hand. Behind me Amata and Boone are discussing the logic of rain. I forgot to tell her about the weather, and how it does this cool changing thing. I might come to like the rain. So long as it's warm, like this is. Pulling up my map, I sigh.
"Dunno. Took us what, a day and a third of a day to reach the shack from Megaton? Fort Independence is further than that, so maybe three days? I'm not really great at guessing these things."
"No matter. It'll allow us time to further plan things."
"Further plan what? After I make sure Bigs is alright, there's nothing left to do."
Charon shakes his head, sighing.
"There's much more to do."
"Like what? Indulge me. Ah, fucking rain!"
The rain is fresh, and it's nice and warm and not too bad, but the mud it creates makes it difficult to walk. The broken road we're traveling on has mud puddles and I damn near just slipped in one.
"Like what we're going to do after, and how we'll live."
"Charon?"
"I wouldn't mind, living in that place with you. To me, it'd be the closest thing to normalcy I've ever been. It'll be nice, to sleep each night and wake with you there, without the fear or worry of intruders. I can provide caps, if needed. I'm a strong worker. There's always money to be made, as a hit-man."
"Charon…"
I hold back from hugging him. He wants to stay with me. Wants to live up in that shack way, way, way high near those twinkling, twinkling stars and provide like a man for me. We won't need much provisions, and I won't let him have a chance to leave. Between cooking and having sex, Charon won't know when a good time to slip out is. For a while I've been thinking he hasn't wanted that.
"What do you think of that? Would you enjoy, a mundane life as such?"
We can go and return as we please. We can stay all year, or be gone all year. Either way, at the end there's a home. A home, where Charon is, where I am, where we can get back to. Looking up at him, I smile.
"I'd love that. After this, no one will want to kill us. We'll live, like we've never lived before."
He pats my head, the water from my hair running down my already wet face.
"Good."
Charon and me, together for as long as together can be. I think, things may start to look up in our lives. Since I've been here, someone's wanted me. In one way or another, someone has. It'll be nice, to live in peace.
"Charon, we have to see Gob first."
He raises an eyebrow. There's a reason I have yet to tell him about Gob. After getting so mad over Lily and Jackie, I feel sort of embarrassed.
"Why?"
"We have to tell him, Charon. We have to tell him what we're doing and where we're living. When we're done, he'll know and can come visit when Zack is bigger. No one will want our heads, it'll be safe."
"I wonder what it is that makes you like him so much."
"He's your friend too."
"Not the kind I go out of my way for."
"Megaton is on the way. We can rest there, too."
I stick my tongue out, proud.
"And, he was…the first nice person I met when I left. You don't forget someone like Gob, when you're me."
Charon smiles in understanding. He pats my head again, the water running down again. This rain, is a nice rain. It's warm and inviting and cools everything off just right. I'm sure Amata was flipping shit when she felt it. Water from the sky? She needs to learn anything out here is possible. If you want it, or dream it, then it can be yours all yours. All you have to do is find it or make it.
"I'm hungry."
Amata announces from the back of the group. We didn't eat the Yao Guai we killed, damn. I was so excited about getting out and going through with this plan, that I forgot to eat. My bad.
"Without a fire, we can't cook anything."
Charon announces to her. In my terms that means 'shut up and get over it'. She's still Princess Amata Creep to me, anyways. Who does that? Who really wants to watch two grown people dress? A creep. And I have this slight notion, that she's taking a liking to Charon. Call me crazy, but it's one of those woman senses I seem to have discovered. I just sense these days, she's really in-tune with getting to know him. It took me years, to get him to reveal his past to me. Even then it wasn't big. Amata's gonna have to wait till I'm dead and gone if she wants to take my place. I don't think she's going to live that long, though. Maybe she'll take up a liking for Boone and everyone can fall in love and fuck. Seems to be the way of my life these days.
"What about after the rain stops? It will stop, right?"
"Then everything's wet, Amata. And wet things don't catch fire. Yes, it'll stop."
"Then what'll we do for food?"
I shrug, not caring. I've gone longer without eating, thus the weight loss. Had a nice roll from them sweetrolls in the vault. It's gone now, thank heavens. It's not really a big deal to me, anyways. Eating, that is. I know sooner or later, I'll come across something and eat it, and then be fine.
"Dez, you can't be telling me we're not eating."
Looking at her, I sigh.
"Amata, look. We're not in the vault. We're in the wilderness. Three square meals a day and a warm bed are gone unless you're living in a settlement, understand? If you want that again, we can drop you back off at Vault 101 on the way to wage war."
She shakes her head, her eyes falling to the ground. The rain makes her bun limp and soggy and it reminds me of wet toilet paper on the roll. Not sure why, yet, but it does. Turning back to walk beside Charon, I put my hands behind my head and press my head back.
"Charon?"
"Hm?"
"What's your dream?"
Charon blinks, and I look at him. A steady pace and line of walking has been built, behind me and out of earshot, Boone and Amata talk about things. Not sure what things, but here and now, Charon talk about our things.
"What do you mean?"
Shrugging, I close my eyes.
"I dunno. When I was little, I was told to follow my heart no matter what. I always dreamed of a life filled with adventure, princes in disguise, and a world where everyone liked me. Two out of three isn't bad. But what's yours?"
"I'm not sure. I was simply told to obey when I was younger."
Alright fair enough he's not in the talking mood. No one is, really. Aside from Amata and Boone, but god knows what they're talking about. Can't care enough to want to get into that conversation, either. Opening my eyes, I get a raindrop in one of them. Annoyed I rub it out. Hopefully this time tomorrow I'll be seeing Gob. Nothing in this whole world, beats seeing Gob. I know I should tell Charon, about what happened when he was away but…how? How could I mention something like that, after I got so mad about Jackie and Lily? In my own defense I thought Charon had left me. Seriously, I did.
We start to walk uphill a bit, and I slip in the mud. The rain coming down like this makes it hard to walk. I feel Charon's hand wrap around my arm, pulling me to my feet before I fall to the ground. In the rain, I look up at him, and smile. We're walking towards impending death. Walking into a massacre our own bodies may be a part of, yet in this moment I smile at him. The thoughts of what will happen later aren't important. It's dangerous, but, when Charon's around the danger lightens a bit. He won't even let me fall down, without trying to save me.
Getting my balance back, I start to walk. Charon lets go of my arm and silently, the four of us trudge onwards. The rain doesn't show much sign of letting up, but that's fine with me. For right now, I sort of want to enjoy this. Fool around, and laugh, like we were supposed to the last night. Drops of rain, fall all over us. Smiling, I look over at Charon. He has a look in his eye, a look, befitting the awkward silence.
"Charon?"
He looks at me, and I move closer to him.
"Do you know, how we're going to blow up the fort?"
Shaking his head, Charon sighs.
"No, and Fat Man's aren't easy to come by. What happened to yours?"
Pouting I stick my tongue out.
"I lost almost everything in The Pitt. I've looked, but I haven't found another Fat Man since then."
"Is it still there?"
"Dunno. Didn't look. Spent most of my time alone there."
Charon nods. We're at a roads end, with no plans and no realistic way to put our plan into motion. There's still time, though. For all of us to figure it out. For us to come and make something happen. I can only hope, that whatever plan we make, however we decide to do this, works. I don't want to go on, knowing that I won't come out alive at the end. Charon and I…the way we've always wanted to live is so near. So close I can almost taste it. Losing that now, would be quite the irony.
By nightfall, the rain stops. It leaves everything with a gross and wet feel to it. Amata complains more than anyone in the group. Even me. It's getting annoying.
"How are we going to sleep? This is so gross! I'm not laying down in this."
"Princess Amata Creep, stop. It's not like it'll kill you, it's fucking mud. Wet dirt. Okay? Can you just…chill?"
"Easy for you to say, you've been out here for years."
"Yeah well I wasn't when I first got here that's for damn sure. I never bitched about having to sleep in disgusting places. Ask Charon."
Charon sighs as we all stop walking.
"She bitched."
Amata laughs and I glare at Charon. He shrugs, not feeling humored. If anything he seems more distracted now than ever. Boone's the only level-headed and alert person at this moment. Which, doesn't really say much for anyone now does it?
"Why not sleep underground?"
Charon offers a strange suggestion, and I give him a raised-eyebrow look. He shrugs, folding his arms over his chest.
"This is, Fort Bannister. Or rather, was. There's still underground bunkers."
Shocked, I look around. Small ruins remain, now that I notice them. Old foundations of one concrete building stands in a familiar place, and as I look to the ground, I notice not far away is the manhole entrance. I frown. I never really wanted, to come back here. This place, holds sour memories for me and Charon. Mostly, Charon, but my betrayal took place here. It would have been better, to have slept in the rain.
"Fort what?"
Amata asks, looking around, searching for something that isn't there.
"Bannister. An old…an old gang place. It's gone now."
"What happened to it?"
"I blew it up."
I know she doesn't believe me, but right now I don't care. Turning my back to her, I follow Charon as he moves the manhole from its place. Looking down, it's pitch black. There's always a bit of fright inside my stomach when I have to do things like this, but I figure camping underground is far better than out in the wet, Wasteland. Holding my breath for no good reason, Charon helps lower me down. Taking one hand off of the ladder, I turn on my Pip-Boy light. It's not too bright, but it lights up the general area around me. That's all I can really ask it to do, anyways.
One by one, Charon helps each of us down. First me, then Boone, and last Amata before he himself comes. Careful as always, he closes the manhole after he begins to climb the ladder down. We're safe as safe can get down here. I mean, unless you've known about Fort Bannister you wouldn't know about the underground bunker. I still don't want to be here, though.
"Turn on your light."
I say to Amata, as Charon jumps from the ladder and stands beside me. She listens, and the extra light is welcome.
"Alright come on."
Leading everyone, I stop at the first room I find. There's old bunk beds and hell, we can even start a small fire in here to warm up. There really is no use in looking for another place to sleep. One has been presented to us and it would be quite rude to not take it.
"This is fine."
I say as I walk in. Instantly, I want to remove my wet clothes and set them somewhere to dry. Searching within old lockers, I find a big blanket. Suitable.
"Charon, can you make a fire in here?"
He nods. The extra light will be a big help, too. Once I figure out where he's putting the fire, I grab a mattress. Charon's lighting it in the far corner of the room, furthest to the door. Just for privacy, I shut the door. The smoke can leak out through the vents, and generally we have all we need for the night. As Charon gathers bits of things, and breaks up a small desk, I bring the mattress over.
"To lay on."
I tell him. Amata and Boone can take the other bunk bed, furthest from the fire. Tonight, I want to pretend like I have some privacy with him. Once the fire gets started, everyone has the same idea but doesn't know how to start it. Boone has some cans in his hands, and I notice it's Pork N' Beans. Fine by me, food is food. Amata, on the other hand, turns her nose up but says nothing.
Being the first to start the idea, I hand Charon my blanket.
"Hold this up?"
With no hesitation he does. Behind it, I take off my wet clothes and drape them close to the fire, over a broken steel bedpost. Charon wraps the blanket around my naked body, keeping me covered from prying eyes. I.e. Boone. After I sit down, Charon begins to take off his leather armor. He sets it down beside my things, standing only in his boxers and black shirt. Boone and Amata have already discarded their own wet clothes. Boone sits only in boxers, and Amata in the white tank and shorts we're accustomed to wearing beneath vault suits. Before I know it, we're all quietly roasting cans by the warm fire, drying off, and Charon and I sit peacefully on the mattress. Maybe, tonight won't be so bad.
"You know what I miss?"
I say, my voice echoing in the small room.
"What?"
Amata, of course, answers.
"Sweetrolls."
"Oh…yeah, I do too."
Licking my lips I smile and remember their sweet delicious taste.
"What about the G.O.A.T, what did you get?"
"I got Marriage Counselor."
Amata bursts out laughing as Charon and Boone are a bit lost to our conversation. Boone more than Charon, since I've told him this before.
"You were on track to a supervisory position, weren't you?"
"Yeah but I think the test was rigged because of my dad. You remember how it was for me."
"Oh yes, the daughter of the Overseer, so hard, Amata. So very, very hard."
Charon leans over and gently pushes the cans out of the fire. I can't wait to eat mine, even though I know I won't eat all of it. I've been starting to give most of my food to Charon. He needs it more, anyways.
"It was! I was picked on, tormented, harassed."
"Followed by everyone, liked, popular, safe, loving father."
"Dez, you don't understand. It always wasn't that easy. When I first started…well liking boys, I never got to be alone. I never got to do much of anything, all because of my dad."
"Wow, wish I had that problem."
I also wish I had a beer, too. Neither one is going to happen. Charon puts his arm around me, and I lean into his chest. Glancing over at Amata, I get a quick glimmer of jealousy in her eyes. Is she really developing feelings for Charon? I mean, I know I picked up on something but…to actually think she likes him is hard to comprehend.
"I wish you saw things from my point of view."
"Hey does that mean you're still a virgin?"
Everyone's eyes are on Amata. She plays with her hands, a nervous twitch shared among all vault-dwellers from 101 I think. I'm just dying to hear her answer.
"Well…yeah I mean…it wasn't…"
"You're kidding, right?"
"No, I'm not, Dez. I'm really, really not."
For a minute, I feel bad about something. Not sure, what it is yet. Reaching over I grab my can of food and decide to make it a fast night. I want everyone asleep. Even I don't want to talk to Charon anymore.
"Maybe you should have been kicked out then, instead of me."
I mutter, knowing she can just barely hear me. The tone sets the mood, and she knows better than to give a snide reply. But I'm right, you know. Maybe Amata should have been the one, to leave the vault. I should have been in her place, and she in mine. A vestal virgin do-gooder from Vault 101 here to save the Capital Wasteland tells a better story, than Dezbe. Dezbe, who at sixteen slept with Butch DeLoria in a storage closet. Who didn't have much of a relationship with her father, have any friends, or feel very well-liked. Whereas Amata shares all the traits of the saint this world needs. Not some emotionally unstable and battered woman running around hacking everyone to bits and pieces. Maybe even, had she left instead of me, Charon would be a lot happier. Not having to worry so much, Amata doesn't need attention like I do. Just feed her and let her out of her cage once in a while and I bet she's all happy. Picking at my food while everyone eats, I wonder if someone above was laughing or drunk when they switched Amata and I.
Eating about half the can, I decide I'm not hungry anymore. Tapping Charon's arm, I put it in front of his face. He looks at me, but takes the food offering.
"I'm not hungry anymore."
I say, just to add a bit of comfort so he knows I'm not starving myself. A can and a half of food, isn't going to give Charon much nourishment. When we go back to our new home, I'll be sure to help cook something. That is, if I can ever learn to work a stove. Last time I attempted to do that was in Megaton. I put a pot of things on the stove, and told it to cook. Since then, I haven't tried. They don't listen so why bother?
"This is disgusting."
Amata says as she finishes her food.
"Well, you ate it, so you're learning to scavenge. Welcome to the Capital Wasteland. What you're feeling is unsatisfied hunger and you will be best friends out here. Love it."
Amata glares at me, and Boone grazes her thigh. Since when did they pair up?
"Where's this sunny disposition coming from, Dezbe?"
Shaking my head I motion for a cigarette. Charon starts to look for the pack and I hope so bad, they aren't wet. Oh, yay they're not. I smile as Charon lights two, one for me, one for him. Boone has his own, there's no real need to share now is there? Inhaling the smoke, it calms my nerves and makes me relax. Closing my eyes I sit up with the blanket still around me, and lean in towards the fire.
"I miss Jonas."
I say, actually meaning that. Amata grows quiet.
"Why'd you wake me up that day, anyways? You could have just let them grab me and kill me. Wasn't your business."
I'm truly curious to know this. Amata woke me up all sorts of frazzled the day my dad left. We never really spoke, so I don't know why she did that for me. In a way she saved my life, and in a way it's because of her I'm here now. I just don't want to give her all if any, credit. Glancing over I see she's staring into the fire, really thinking about this. That or she's cold and I have the only blanket and I'm not sharing. Fuck sharing.
"Because…I couldn't let you die, Dez. I know…I know we never talked much, and I know we never really got to be friends but…but I couldn't condone my father killing you. You didn't do anything, you were sleeping and had no prior knowledge to anything that happened. You were innocent, like Jonas."
"…What's really fucked about it all, Amata, is that the vault was opened before."
"What?"
Nodding, I toy with my cigarette.
"Don't you remember Old Lady Palmer telling you this? It was during the whole riot in there when I had to come back. Plus it was on your dad's terminal. I knew the vault had been opened when I was like, fourteen."
"Because you kept hacking the terminals, which was against vault rules! And wait, how do you know what Old Lady Palmer said to me?"
"…Because I was there."
"Well I wasn't paying attention. But, the vault was opened before? How?"
Shrugging, I shake my head.
"Dunno. Jonas' mom went on some expedition. She and the group reported the findings to your dad. Plus me and my dad were let in so, that whole 'No one ever leaves, no one ever enters' thing is bullshit. I did both."
"You also left a string of mayhem behind when you left."
Tossing my cigarette into the fire, I feel Charon's chest graze against my back. Amata has a conflicting tone in her voice, one that says she wants to, well, get into an argument really. So I accept, narrowing my eyes at her.
"What do you mean?"
"When you left everything fell apart! People wanted to go, people wanted to stay, my dad…Dez you and James made him go absolutely insane! He was so worried about how people would be getting inside now, because two of the residents had escaped. If you…if your dad hadn't left like that, we'd all be still inside."
How dare she. How fucking dare she. This is from the same person, who asked for my help, who made me go back to the vault, then kicked me out again. I had no idea what my father was planning, so how was I to stop it? It's not my fault her dad went batshit crazy on something unimportant.
"My dad left for a cause he believed in. Your dad went insane. There's a difference."
"You'd have to be insane, to leave the comfort of the vault back then, to come out here."
"Oh, and you're acting like you didn't want to."
"Because the vault isn't the same. It's nothing like it used to be."
"Amen for that."
"Look just because you were out casted and hated it doesn't mean everyone else was. That's still my home."
"I know, every time you leave to let the door hit you on the way out, I see it on your back."
Amata knows she's fighting an uphill battle here. Deep down, she knows she has no argument against me, what she or her dad did to me, or what anyone else in the vault did. In the end, I endured and survived more, so therefore I win. Easy as that. Looking away from her, I pull up my Pip-Boy to start tinkering with it. I've always had a knack for electronics, and it helps keep my mind focused on something. Pushing buttons and codes, I view different things and rename certain things into swearwords. I always reset it back, but at the same time I wonder how funny it would be to look at it in a battle and see 'Buttface' or 'Shitstain' in place of 'Citadel Ruins' or 'Megaton'. Pretty confusing.
"Stop clicking that thing, it's annoying."
"Out here it'll be your best friend when you're alone."
"What?"
I shrug, still toying with it.
"You're not following me forever, Amata."
Getting bored, I put down my Pip-Boy and stare at the fire. Charon and Boone have been out of the conversation, and therefore, quiet. Amata sighs loudly, and I glare at her. Boone coughs loudly, and it takes my attention from Amata.
"So, Boone. Why here? Why leave New Vegas?"
Boone puts his head upwards. He looks at me, and sighs.
"Because I couldn't stay any longer."
"Why?"
"…Someone a lot like you came into town. A Courier. He was ambitious, brave, foolish, and for some time, my partner. I followed his choices and decisions, despite that they were sometimes questionable. He had four choices at one point, to side with the NCR, Legion, Mr. House or himself. The Courier, chose to take New Vegas alone. He disbanded the NCR and Legion, and ran Vegas in a way it was never run before. Mostly, there were no problems, but…but I couldn't stay. Seeing, the city that I once met my wife in, being run by someone no older than you and seeing my old tribe falter under him…I had to leave. Many, did the same. Raul, myself, Rose of Sharon Cassidy, we all left. To find new lives, new purposes, and new identities. One day, though, I'd like to go back. Maybe, when all is said and done, and I've found peace with everything."
A Courier like me, huh? Behind me, Charon lays down and stares into the fire. We make brief eye contact, before he looks away.
"Like me, huh?"
I ask, wishing I had a beer.
"He was. You'd have to meet him."
"Meh. Not my style. I don't like people who remind me of myself."
"Fair enough."
Aside from mine and Amata's bickering, the night isn't filled with conversation. Charon's quiet, and for good reason I hope. Least, I hope he's not mad at me.
"Well, this is really fun and all but I'm going to bed."
Amata says, standing up. Boone silently follows her lead, while Charon and I watch. They walk over to the far bunk beds, on the other side of the room. Leaving Charon and I virtually alone on our mattress by the fire. Taking the initiative, I flatten the blanket over us, and lie beside him. His arms wrap around me, more out of pattern than instinct. Silently, quietly, we wait until Boone and Amata are peacefully sleeping.
"Hey, Charon?"
Sitting up, it doesn't matter to me if the deep breathing on the far end of the room means they're sleeping or not. I just want to talk to Charon. On my knees, I sit with them pointing at his stomach. He looks up at me, tired and curious.
"Hm?"
"Tell me what's wrong. I know something's been bothering you. Is it me?"
Charon shakes his head. Using his arm as a pillow he lays on his side. He looks past me, into the fire.
"No. No, it's not you."
"Then what is it."
Sighing, Charon sits up. Taking a cigarette from a dry pack, he lights it. The way he's sitting blocks Boone from seeing my naked body, that is, if he's even awake. I think Charon had this planned.
"Dez…it's…difficult for me to explain."
"Why? Is everything okay?"
"I do not know how. It's like…I am still trapped within the confines of my training when it comes to this."
I light my own cigarette and stroke the side of his face. He's not looking at me, in fact, I don't think he wants to.
"It's alright, just try."
"It isn't that simple, Dez."
I decide to take the stronghold and just openly ask.
"It's your past, huh?"
He looks at me, shocked.
"Last night, you mumbled in your sleep about Ahzrukhal. Then today you were pretty solemn. It's not hard to connect the dots, Charon."
Looking away, Charon takes a deep breath on his cigarette. When he exhales, it's all smoke.
"At night, I have dreams. Memories of incidents before the war and during. I'm helpless in them, when I have been helpless very few times in my life. They frighten me most nights. I don't know, what to do about them. Or why, why now they're bothering me."
"Maybe it's because…now you can feel it. Now, you're an emotional being, a person, and it's the only time it's been able to surface."
"Perhaps."
"Do you think of this place?"
Charon looks around the interior of the room. He stares at the door, before nodding his head.
"Yes. I do."
"Why are you scared of them?"
Putting out his cigarette, Charon looks at me. In his eyes I see something, that I've never seen before. He's scared, truly scared, and the images of what he's done, things he won't tell me, swim in his blue, blue eyes.
"Dez I…"
Without warning, Charon falls into my chest. He rests his head between my breasts, as my cigarette falls from my fingers. His arms reach up, gripping my back for comfort, for support. Tenderly, I wrap my arms around him as I feel the wetness from his eyes, his tears.
"I'm frightened of what it is I'll do, if I ever lose control. If I ever, somehow regress to the person I was within my training. I was violent, horribly so, unnecessarily violent, Dez. When someone executed an order to kill I did so and I did so gruesomely. What will become of you, if I happen to be that man again?"
Stroking his head, holding him, I know to use a soft voice.
"Nothing. Nothing will happen to me, because you'd never hurt me."
"I have before. I obeyed orders to."
"And that doesn't count. You won't hurt me, because even under contract, you couldn't kill me."
"It frightens me, still."
"I know, but it'll all be alright in the end. You'll see."
His hands grip my ribs, holding securely as if I'd float away somewhere. With the fire warming my back, and Charon leaning on my front, I've never felt so warm before.
"There's a lot you don't know about me, Dez. There's things, that might make you look at me with disgust."
"I've killed children, Charon, and never have I once looked at you in disgust. Whatever you have in your past, whatever you want to share with me, won't make me look at you any different than I do now."
"You know of Ahzrukhal."
"But I don't blame you for it."
"You don't know of others though, Dez."
"When you feel ready, you can tell me."
Charon sighs, hiding his face. I know now, he needs me. He can't admit it, he can't show it, but it's a woman's intuition that feels it. He's all I have, and I'm all his.
"A former employer, had me kill his own son."
"Why?"
"He gave no reason. He wanted it to be done in front of him. So I did. The boy…wasn't right, Dez. He wasn't mentally stable nor physically capable of caring for himself. My employer, decided it would be cheaper to dispose of him, rather than let him live. We blamed the death on an intruder. As well, I killed him."
"If the boy was like that, maybe it was a mercy killing."
"I've tried to tell myself that Dez but the look in my employer's eyes told me otherwise. Lately, the thought has been hanging in my mind. If a father can so mercilessly order that upon his own son, than what man was I to simply obey?"
"A controlled man, not responsible for any blood on his hands back then."
"I hope."
Eventually, Charon drifts to sleep. He rests his head still, against my chest. Like the night before I hold him close. I kiss the top of his head, and I support him, just like he's supported me, all these years.
