Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey all!
Happy Sunday! Hope you all managed to get a read of the teaser I posted, and thanks for waiting the extra few days for this chapter!
Massive thank you to everyone who continues to read, review and favourite this fic, it always manages to make me smile :D I tried to reply to you all, so if you didn't recieve a review it's because you were signed in as a guest or have your PMs disabled :D
Anyways, onwards. We hit rock bottom last chapter, so I promise it's only up from there, even if it might not always seem like it, things are getting better :D
I no longer have a beta for this story, so any and all mistakes are mine and I hope you excuse them :D
Chapter 49 – Changes
Some people laugh, some people cry
Some people live, some people die
Some people run, right into the fire
Some people hide their every desire
But we are the lovers
If you don't believe me
Then just look into my eyes
'cause the heart never lies
Some people fight, some people fall
Others pretend they don't care at all
If you wanna fight I'll stand right beside you
The day that you fall I'll be right behind you
To pick up the pieces
If you don't believe me
Just look into my eyes
'Cause the heart never lies
Another year over, and we're still together
It's not always easy, but I'm here forever
We are the lovers
I know you believe me
When you look into my eyes
'Cause the heart never lies
Yeah we are the lovers, I know you believe me
When you look into my eyes
'cause the heart never lies
'Cause the heart never lies
Because the heart never lies
The Heart Never Lies – McFly
EPOV
I'd begged Kate to take me off the pills, and it took her days to even slightly agree. She told me again and again that I couldn't just stop taking them, that she was afraid of what I might do if I no longer had them.
She tried to tell me just how bad I was, but I couldn't remember a time before them, so I had no idea if she was lying or not. She promised me eventually – after a week of begging – that she'd severely drop my dosage and only ever give me stronger pills when it was clear I needed them.
I didn't ask how she would know. I didn't want to know what was going through her head as she jotted down a new dosage for my dad to pick up at the hospital. There was something in her eyes when she looked at me, like she was scared, unsure of her decision.
If she was scared, then surely that meant I should be too. I didn't want to be scared; I was a fucking coward and decided that I didn't want to know in advance what I might go through in the future. I didn't want to be constantly waiting around for my world to crash around my ears.
I didn't know just how much she'd lowered my dosage by, but as the week passed, it was obvious it was miniscule if anything. I didn't feel any better than I had, I still spaced out on way more occasions than I should have, and I slept all the fucking time.
The pain in my chest didn't go away, I kept thinking maybe it would lessen with time, with pills, with seeing Bella every day at school, but it was always there, and always intensified tenfold when I lay on my bed at night.
Kate took to telling me that people who often go through breakups experience the same grief similar to when someone dies. She told me the same thing every time we had a new "session," as if continually rubbing in that Bella was gone was best for me.
Maybe it was.
I'd given up fighting her on most things. I hadn't given up fighting for me, or for Bella, but I had to trust that Carlisle and Kate knew what they were doing. If she thought keeping me on my medication was best, then it was.
I fucking hated the grogginess that settled over me – usually around mid-afternoon – but my body was beginning to finally rebuild its strength, and when night came, I was actually functional.
I continued to go to school, I continued to watch Bella like a hawk, but things had changed irrevocably. She was hurting too, and while it was wrong, I took comfort in that. Breaking up had been her idea, and no matter how hard I tried, there were still times when I wondered if she'd actually wanted to go separate ways and had just used me as an excuse.
Of course, in times of lucidity I knew that was ridiculous. I knew she loved me, maybe even more than I'd loved her at the time, and seeing the change in her at school led me to believe that us being apart was as hard on her as it was on me.
She had a whole summer of our past to base her love on. After a few Bella based sessions with Kate, I realized that the depth of her love and loyalty ran so much deeper than anyone elses. She'd fallen in love with me on the other side of the country, thought she'd lost me, lost our baby on her own and then had me waltz back into her life again.
What I was going through had nothing on her suffering or her pain.
Kate came up with the idea that maybe I should tell her all this, that I'd come to those revelations and sort of understood the depth of the pain and betrayal she felt because of me.
I chickened out in telling her though. It was lunch and we were all sitting around our usual table. Everyone else had paired off and I saw my opportunity to lean in to Bella and ask if we could talk. I had it all planned – I'd lead her to the benches outside and tell her everything I'd come to realize. What I'd done to her, the things I'd said in my anger, the acceptance of our past and the things I'd failed to do.
But she'd looked up at me, and the resolve in her eyes made mine crumble. While I was imagining scenarios of apologising and explaining and getting her back, she was building up her wall to keep me out.
The look of faked anger she'd drawn together made me breathless. She'd opened her mouth to no doubt shoot me down, keep me from saying something she knew was going to change things, but I'd held up my hand, struggled to draw in deep breaths and pushed my chair back from the table. Six sets of eyes landed on me, but Bella's were all I could see.
Her resolve crumbled only slightly when she saw the pain radiating from me, but it was too late, I'd changed my mind and backed down. She wasn't ready, maybe neither of us were ready.
I walked away from the table and didn't look back. Since, we'd been sitting on opposite sides of the table, as if the cheap reinforced plastic could keep us from hurting each other more.
I spent my days afterwards willing her to look at me. I gave myself headaches most days, screaming thoughts at her in my head; on my good days, at least. On my bad days I was lucky if I even made it to school.
Carlisle had spoken to the head teacher, and my individual teachers, and come to some sort of arrangement for my continued sporadic absence. We would never know in advance when I wouldn't make it out of bed, but on those days, Emmett would collect my work and I'd have to catch up on my good days.
But when my head was clearer, my stomach more settled, and my eyesight less fuzzy, I was at school and as tuned in as I could be. Bella was my motivation. I needed to see her as much as possible, and I spent those lunchtimes staring at her, longing to tell her what was cementing itself into my heart and mind with each passing day.
That I hadn't fallen out of love with her like she'd once thought – if only briefly. To tell her there would never be another girl for me and I wanted her to wait, that I wanted her to realize I needed to get better, that I needed to come to terms with the fact there had never been another girl for me.
Sure, there had been Tanya, but I barely remembered her – and not because I'd lost my fucking memory. I sat and talked it through with Emmett one particularly sunny day out on the quad at school, and then with Kate when I'd returned home.
Tanya had been my girlfriend for a little over three months when I found out about my past. I never once thought of her when I decided to run to New York, I never got in touch with her, nor did I ever miss her. Emmett told me that when we were together we had fun, but we were young, I knew I didn't think anything of it at the time.
Not to mention the fact that she was sleeping with my two best friends while telling me I was the one for her. Not just one of my best friends, both of them. There had only ever been the three of us, and she took it all from me.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't care. They weren't my best friends anymore, and she wasn't my girlfriend. All three of them were like blips on my radar compared to what I'd found – and subsequently lost – since I'd arrived in Forks.
Emmett was my best friend, and my brother. I had to tell myself the latter more often than not. I felt guilty that I thought of him as anything less, and when I explained it to him and Kate in a joint session, he said he understood, but I could see the hurt in his eyes. We'd always been brothers, it didn't matter what our parents said, or who they even were, we'd grown up as brothers and we'd stay brothers.
I discussed the family dynamics with Kate separately, too. She said it was healthy that I thought of Emmett as my best friend. It was a new side to our relationship that showed strength and growth in both of us in getting around the obstacles that had been thrown our way.
I didn't need anyone from my past life. I wanted to scream and shout and tell everyone that it was nothing compared to what I'd had in the last five months, but when I sat down with Kate, I was thrown back into the reality of said life.
I had been living in denial, ready to go on with my life without knowing anything about myself, my past, or the ones closest to me. I let Bella suffer for months because I was too much of a fucking coward to listen to her.
I remembered the days I'd see more pain in her eyes than love, more hurt than happiness. I spilled it all to Kate, the day Bella told me she was lying and it was killing her. The day I sat on the sofa with Bella on my lap and told her I couldn't handle it. I'd basically thrown my brain injury in her face to frighten her into silence. I might not have known it at the time, but I had.
Kate upped my medication again that day. Supposedly, I threw my cell through the living room window and out onto the gravel in front of the house. I didn't remember doing it. Carlisle said he had to sedate me because I was screaming about going to Bella and making her understand.
I didn't remember that either. I did remember finally emerging from the darkness on a Sunday afternoon to see a work-team installing a new window. I knew then they were done lying to me.
Kate told me I should stay off school the next Monday, but I downright refused. I pretended to be feeling way better than I was, for one simple reason, I had to see Bella.
It had been three weeks since the day she overheard me in the cafeteria, and two since our near showdown. Things hadn't changed; we still didn't speak to one another, but we both still hovered on the fringes of each other's lives. I wasn't sure I would handle the day she decided she deserved better than stolen glances and information through other people.
I knew Alice was keeping Bella informed on my behaviour at home. I knew every time I got angry or unstable, that Bella would find out. I knew every time I arrived back at school after either one or multiple days off, she would see the dark circles under my eyes and the weight that I continued to lose.
She saw it all, she heard it all second-hand, but it didn't change her mind. She still kept her distance and her silence, and I still ached every time she was near me.
We sat mere feet apart at lunch and in the classes we shared. In English I sat behind her and stared at the back of her head, in biology I sat beside her and stared at her pale hand, or arm, or any other piece of her I could see from the corner of my eye.
I fought the grogginess even more than I had before, determined not to miss even the slightest detail.
She arrived to school one Thursday afternoon with her hair drastically changed. It was shorter, by at least ten inches, and she had highlights subtly weaved through it. I had to fight a panic attack that morning, with Emmett on one side and Jasper on the other, trying to calm me down before the whole school noticed.
She was moving on, changing in front of my eyes and it took something as silly as a haircut to remind me once and for all that it was my fault. Jasper and I had become relatively closer that day. He seemed to understand what had set me off, and he finally listened to me when I told him I'd never not love Bella.
I gathered myself together, intent on making it through the day, and found that I couldn't keep my eyes off her. She noticed of course, our eyes met on more than one occasion, but instead of chewing me out like I thought she would, she left me in peace. By the time lunch came around, I'd thought up an ingenious idea that I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of before.
Ripping a slip of paper out of one of my notebooks, I wrote three simple words across the middle of it before folding it up. Logistically, that was the easy part. I had to wait until after the bell had sounded before I found an opportunity to slip it into her backpack without her noticing. Both Jasper and Angela caught me, but neither said a word, and I hastily made my way to art with shaking hands and a smile on my face.
It was a simple note, and I don't know what I had been expecting, but it was never mentioned. I began to wonder if maybe it had fallen out of her backpack when she took books out, or if it was still lying in the bottom unseen, and realized that while I had been stealthy, I'd also been stupid.
Bella deserved more than a hastily written note on cheap paper stuffed in her bag when she wasn't looking. I wouldn't have been surprised if it had angered her more than anything.
Kate asked me why I was beating myself up about it, especially when she thought it was a sweet gesture.
"What did it say?" She asked that night when I told her what I'd done.
"You look beautiful," I replied simply, staring at the floor.
When another week had passed, I gave up all hope on her even mentioning it.
The weather changed for the better, the days were longer, the sun out more often and the students working harder.
The end of our year was quickly encroaching. April soon led into May and exams were too close. All our teachers talked about were exams and coursework. All our assemblies were led by motivational speakers or scouts for colleges.
I told Carlisle on more than one occasion that I didn't want to even think about it. I couldn't. On top of everything having to apply to colleges and submit my work was draining me of everything I had.
He told me I could do it, time and again saying he would get me all the help he could.
He mentioned tutors and private mentors to get me through my coursework and homework, but I failed to see the point.
Kate had already told me it was going to take me a long time to get better, it was likely I might not even be back on top of things in time for starting college somewhere. If that turned out to be the case, then my applications would be proved pointless, because even if I went to college it would have to be Washington. In my state, she said, I coulnd't be any further than that from home.
Emmett applied all over the country, putting in for football scholarships from Florida to Pennsylvania. I battled my jealousy, but it was slowly bubbling over. He and Rosalie were better than ever, he had been promoted to head of the school football team, they had a state championship game coming up and he was excited to be moving away for school.
Then there was me. I couldn't stay sane long enough to talk to my girl, I couldn't keep the darkness at bay long enough to apologize to her and explain that I understood what she'd gone through. I couldn't stay awake long enough at night to finish my schoolwork, never mind actually fill out an application form.
It all bubbled over the day Carlisle was helping me in the kitchen. I was so worn out that he was even writing it all my information for me. I was so fucking drained that I couldn't even hold the fucking pen.
I'd flipped out at his casual conversation and questions, throwing my glass of water against the wall before I even realized I'd moved. He'd told me tiredly that I should probably go to bed and rest, that we'd do it some other time.
That had been at the beginning of April. I hadn't even seen, never mind filled out, an application form since.
I heard Bella and Angela talking about exams at lunch at the start of May. Angela was terrified of the thought of them, but Bella, my Bella was set and dedicated. I knew she was intelligent, I knew she was a year ahead of the kids in her supposed year. What infuriated me was the fact that I had no idea if she was still attempting to graduate with me.
I had no idea if she'd decided to stay at school for the correct amount of years. I had no idea where or if she'd applied, if she was sitting her final year exams and graduating, or if she'd given up on her dream of going to college with me.
I laughed humourlessly into my drink, causing both of them to look at me sharply. It wasn't funny, I knew it wasn't, but the thought that she might graduate and I likely wouldn't manage it was just another kick in the teeth.
Of course, I knew she deserved it with all the hard work she'd done over the year, all the extra credits and workload, but the thought of her going off to college and leaving me behind was enough to have me storming out of the cafeteria and into the quad for a smoke.
I hadn't expected her to follow me, she never had before, but her sweet voice calling my name had me stopping quicker than any other force could have. I turned slowly, hoping beyond anything that I wasn't imagining it. I had imagined her talking to me so many times that I could no longer remember if any of them had ever happened or not.
There she was, her arms clasped around her, her foot toeing the ground in front of her as she looked up at me with her lip caught between her teeth. She had never looked prettier with her new haircut and the sun shining down on her in her skinny jeans and strappy top.
"Are…is everything okay?" she asked quietly. I mightn't have heard her if I hadn't been training myself to pick up her voice in our weeks apart. With her standing in front of me, however, I couldn't even remember how many weeks it had been.
"I just…needed some air…" I replied, my voice catching in my throat.
"Air?" She laughed, and it wasn't until she jutted her head in the direction of my hand that I realized what she meant. I was holding my pack of smokes tightly, and I could see the disappointment in her eyes without even really looking.
"I know you hate it. Fuck, Bella, I hate it too, but it helps, okay? It's like…breathing isn't enough, like the air isn't strong enough or some shit. I'm not doing it to hurt you, or spite you…I promise…"
Her eyes widened slightly and I knew my words had found their mark. I needed her to understand. It was one thing hearing everything from Alice, but I wondered if she truly understood what it was like to be me on a daily basis.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…I'll leave you to it…" she answered, turning to head back into school. I took a step forward before I thought too much about the consequences of what I wanted to ask.
"No. Stay, sit with me? It'll be nice to not be alone out here…" I tried to smile, I tried to make the tension go away, but it was obvious it would take much more than a failed joke to lighten the mood between us.
"Uh, yeah. Okay."
I smiled before turning and hoisting myself up onto the top of the picnic bench, my feet on the seat. I held out my hand to help Bella up beside me, but she just looked at it before following my lead and sitting with too much space between us.
My hand was just, there, in the air between us before I snatched it back and lit up a smoke. I tried to keep it away from her, but I could feel her watching me, judging me for it.
I thought for sure she was going to leave, but she surprised me by speaking up. "Good day or bad?"
I turned to look at her and found her questioning eyes full of concern and intrigue. I sighed heavily, scrubbing my hand over my face, feeling the stubble under my fingertips. I couldn't remember the last time I shaved.
"It was okay…now, not so much…"
"What changed?"
"You…it's always you," I answered honestly, wanting to take it back when she gasped from beside me. I turned my gaze on her and found her staring out across the football field. I could clearly make out Emmett's hulking form and even managed to find Jasper as he weaved through cones and defenders.
"I…" Bella had no idea how to answer, and I didn't blame her, so I manned the fuck up and decided to help her out.
"You and Angela," I continued, jerking my head in the direction of the cafeteria. "You were talking about exams and I realized I have no idea what you want to do anymore. Then I realized I have no right to even wonder if you're still planning on going to college. If you're planning on leaving…or if you decided to stick it out another year…"
"I mean, I know you're not waiting around for me anymore. I mean, in the car that day you said you'd made plans to go to college with "him," but that was me, and I completely fucked that up, so I wondered I guess, if you were going to go to college alone…"
"Edward," she interrupted. I took a deep drag of my smoke before mashing it out on the table top and letting the smoke sting at my lungs before blowing it out.
"No, it's cool. I have no right, I get that, honestly. It just got to me. I can't control it, you know. Emmett and Jasper watch me like hawks to see if I'm going to break down again like the day you got your haircut, but I'm trying really hard to leave you alone. I know you don't want me interfering, and I'm trying so hard to respect that, Bella, harder than you'll ever know."
"Edward," she said again, sadder this time, and she laid her hand on my arm. My head snapped around and my eyes fixed on her palm resting lightly on my forearm. I'd nearly forgotten what it was like to have her skin on mine, but all the memories of the last five months seemed to flood back with her touch.
"Look at me," she whispered, her fingers under my chin. My eyes sought out her brown ones, finding strength and resolve that I could only hope at grasping.
"What happened the day I got my haircut?" she asked, surprising the fuck out of me. That was all she picked up on?
"No, the day you came into school with it…I sort of had a panic attack." She gasped again and I had to close my eyes, the image of her so close to me playing havoc on my brain. "It wasn't your fault. It never is. I just realized that you were changing and I had nothing to do with it and I panicked because it might always be like that. Same with the college thing. You're gonna go off to some amazing school and make new friends, and move in with new people and date other guys and I'm not going to be a part of it Bella.
"These are our lives now. I'm not going to be there when you get your results, or when you choose where you want to work, or you move into your first apartment. I guess I just took longer to come to terms with that than you, but it's not your fault."
"Wait…what? You think I've decided on all that, chosen to be away from you forever and leave you behind? WHAT THE HELL, EDWARD?" I reeled back, surprised by her anger.
"What…I can't believe you just said all that. Is that what you want to happen?" She asked, her anger gone as quickly as it had come.
"Of course not!" I yelled. "You wanted to graduate early so you could be with me in New York, or somewhere similar, but that was nearly a year ago, Bella. Things have changed. I've hurt you, I've left you to suffer, fuck, I've asked you to suffer! You're graduating a year early and I'll be lucky if I even pass my fucking exams!" Her hand slipped out of mine and I turned to find her watching me with fear and sadness etched into her features again. I'd hoped she'd moved on from those emotions over the weeks, but I'd gone and put it right back.
"What do you mean? Alice said you were working at home, that things were getting better…"
I snorted, I couldn't help it. If this was things getting better then I sure as fuck couldn't wait for things to be over.
"Bella, I spend nearly half my week in bed. Some days I'm so fucking exhausted I don't even remember to eat. Carlisle has to force food into me most nights, Kate has to fucking up my medication because I smash things and scream and get violent and then I can't even remember it in the morning. I get up and come to school just so I can see you, and then I fucking chicken out of talking to you because I don't want to get it wrong and hurt you even more.
"Things aren't getting better, Bella. Carlisle might want me to go to college, but I know I'm not going to make it. I thought I could get better, for you, but I'm so far under I can't even see the top."
There were tears tracking down her cheeks, and I made to brush them away before I remembered that wasn't my job anymore. I hadn't meant to be so harsh with her, but I couldn't have her pinning her hopes on something that might not happen.
"I didn't mean to upset you, Bella."
"I know," she whispered, finally wiping them away with her fingers. "I'm sorry, Edward. So sorry." I wasn't sure what she was apologizing for as I watched her climb back down onto the worn grass and turn back to me.
I don't know what made me say it, but my words spilled out before I thought them through. "I love you, Bella. More than anything, but I can't be what you need right now. I'm trying, so hard. I want to be selfish and ask you to wait for me, but people don't do that to the ones they love. You let me go for my own good, and I guess I understand that, deep down somewhere, I need to do the same. You should be free to live the life you want, wherever you want." I took a deep breath, my eyes watering as I drank in every detail of her beautiful face.
"I'm sorry I let you down," I whispered, pinching my eyes with my thumb and forefinger and rubbing furiously.
"You hurt me, Edward, but you've never let me down, not on purpose." I thought she was gone when the silence descended, but after a pause, she spoke again. "Look at me."
I couldn't deny her anything. My eyes snapped to her face in nanoseconds, relief flowing over me when I found hers clear of tears and sadness.
"I'm here if you need me. I know we broke up, and I know this is hard for you, but I want to be your friend, Edward. Do you think, maybe, we could try being friends?"
It was such an epically bad idea, and I was certain we both knew it, but how could I refuse such an offer? I could see the spark of determination in Bella's features, and it seemed to light something in me, too.
"I'd like that…to try…" I whispered in response, not quite believing the whole thing had happened.
She sniffed, alerting me to the fact that she was holding back her tears. "I'll see you in gym, friend." When she smiled faintly, the weight that had been threatening to suffocate me for weeks lifted infinitesimally.
She was my light and my purpose in getting better.
Maybe, just maybe, with her on my side instead of the other I might make it through.
"Try not break anything," I answered automatically. I wasn't sure if I'd overstepped some invisibly drawn line, but she actually fucking giggled as she swung her backpack back onto her shoulders. With a tiny wave off her hand, she turned on her heel and headed back into the cafeteria in time for the bell signalling the end of lunch.
The only downside was that it was Friday, and after gym last period, I wouldn't see her for three days.
I could only hope the memory of her laugh, smile, tears, voice, and touch would be enough to get me through my days of solitude at home.
Author's Chapter End Notes:
I know a few things haven't been mentioned by E yet, but I hope you understand that there are a LOT of loose ends and I'm trying to give them all the recognition they deserve while still trying to get these chapters out to you. If I made them twice as long, you'd have twice as long to wait for an update.
We're getting there though! Thank you all for sticking by me :D Leave me a wee review if you so wish :D
Otherwise I'll see you on twitter or over on my blog! If you subscribe for e-mail updates you'll never miss a teaser or any news :D
Sarah x
