Chapter 53 Shattered Trust
A/N: Thanks go to MaraudersWolf for another great beta job and thank you to ron lover for providing a very helpful second beta read.
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Dumbledore was true to his word, so when Remus awoke in the hospital wing the following day, he was alone. It took a minute for his head to clear enough to remember where he was, and he had no idea of the time, or that he'd slept more than twenty-four hours. He was still terribly sore and achy.
He carefully rolled over and glanced out the window. It was daylight, though very grey and blustery. Dark clouds were rolling in and the trees of the Forbidden Forest were being whipped into frenzy by the wind. A storm was brewing.
In the distance, a low rumble of thunder confirmed it, heralding the coming gale like the roll of a drum. As if joining the building chorus, a large raindrop slammed the window sill with a sharp splat, then another. Suddenly a torrent was being blown nearly horizontal into the side of the castle.
What appropriate weather, thought Remus. For a moment, he watched the rivulets of rain pour down the long narrow panes of the window; then he rolled back over and stared at the ceiling. The fog from the Sleeping Draught and pain potions was lifting and, much as he wished the rain could wash it all away, he remembered what had happened.
Severus Snape had discovered his secret. He knew. Of all people, Severus was among the last Remus would have chosen to find out. He figured only Darlene could have been any worse. If anyone else at Hogwarts might really wish Remus ill, it was Severus.
And he knew.
Regardless of Dumbledore's assurances, there were few things Remus could think of that would be more upsetting than this, but one came to mind. The reason that Severus knew…
Sirius had told him. Sirius, one of his closest friends.
The very thought of it made Remus nauseous.
Why?
He closed his eyes tightly, wishing he could wake himself from this nightmare. He could barely believe that Sirius, of all people, would do such a thing. What could possibly have possessed him?
Over the next several hours, Remus would struggle, searching for the answer between bouts of dozing. Every time he awoke he wished something would be different, but each time, the claw marks, bites, and sense of utter desolation were still there.
Madam Pomfrey came to check on him soon after his first awakening, to inspect his injuries, change the dressings on the worst of them, and bring him food. He had no appetite, but nibbled a piece of crumpet to satisfy her. She offered him another Sleeping Draught or more potent pain potion, but he kindly refused. He probably could have used it, but it would have knocked him out completely and he needed to think. He wanted to be prepared when he saw Sirius.
Remus knew he would have to return to the dormitory soon, even if he wasn't really ready, lest his absence become obvious. The thought of Lindi looking for him made him sigh with frustration. He had promised her he'd see her and help her with her Defense. She would have expected him far sooner than he would be able to make it now.
Under normal circumstances, or at least since the Marauders, he would have been out of hospital far sooner than this. He wondered if that fact would be lost on Sirius. Would he even wonder how much physical pain this little prank had caused Remus?
Maybe Dumbledore should have allowed Sirius in to see you after all, he thought bitterly.
Remus wondered what Sirius would say to him when he finally got back to the dormitory. It was amazing to him that he actually dreaded going back. He never would have believed he could wish to stay away from his friends like this. He felt so isolated, and not just physically. In one fell swoop, Sirius had changed the entire dynamic of their friendship. He had used Remus.
Thoughtlessly, selfishly, cruelly….
Friends weren't supposed to do that. Friends were supposed to respect each other. But where was the respect in the way Sirius had used Remus?
Like some kind of—pet… A rabid dog to sic on his enemies…
Remus' jaw clenched angrily. He had never been this furious with one of his friends.
But he was also sick with heartache. The Marauders had changed his life. He loved them like brothers, and had believed they felt the same way for him. All of them…
He turned and gazed out the window at the raging gale again. Rain was still streaming down the window, like tears.
How had it come to this? Sirius had always been such a good, fierce friend. Remus had never felt that Sirius looked down on him for being a werewolf. Sirius had always been rather protective of Remus, and he loved their full moon excursions, probably more than any of them did. He seemed to truly like having a friend who happened to be a werewolf.
Had it just been for entertainment value? Did he care nothing for Remus as a human being?
He does…he must, Remus assured himself. They'd been friends too long for Remus not to have known if it were all a lie. Sirius wasn't that good an actor.
Memories of mornings after the full moon came rushing back. One particularly painful awakening in his second year had found his three friends hotly wondering why nothing was being done to help him. Madam Pomfrey had threatened to make Sirius leave if he couldn't quiet himself. Sirius had been on the verge of using some choice words. The memory brought a small smile to Remus' face.
Remus was sure Sirius hadn't been acting, and the very real concern had led the three of them into becoming Animagi in order to help Remus. Sirius had tricked his uncle and cousin into getting them books. Over three years they had worked on it; risked so much…For Remus….
Of course, Sirius loved a challenge and once they'd started, his pride wouldn't have allowed him to give up even if he hadn't cared if it would help Remus.
But he had cared. That's why they started it in the first place, Remus insisted. He could not make himself believe otherwise. It was far too painful.
But then why? Had something changed?
He thought back over the last several months. Had anything been different between them?
There had been a few more disagreements between them. For the most part, they had been over Lindi—more specifically, over Sirius' concern with the way she was treating Remus, or that she would betray him.
A bitter laugh escaped him. How ironic! All Sirius' warnings to be careful of Lindi, and it was Sirius himself who betrayed the secret.
But WHY? Remus nearly shouted out loud.
Professor Dumbledore's words replayed in his memory. "Sirius is far too rash, to the point of recklessness… He acts on his emotions and does not consider the consequences of his actions."
Yes, that was Sirius—reckless, rash—but he wasn't stupid! And he was very protective of his friends. All for one and one for all…Moony's pack…Gryffindore to the core…United we stand...
Sirius had just given him that gift, days before. Had he meant the words or had they all been just snappy lines to decorate a Firewhiskey snifter?
No…
Then why? How could Sirius have been so… Remus didn't have Sirius had done went beyond reckless; it was positively dangerous—one might even say depraved. Severus could have been killed!—and in a very horrible fashion. Or he could have been bitten—his life forever changed, and not for the better.
And Sirius had done it all knowingly, willingly. Did Sirius truly hate Severus that much? Remus couldn't even wrap his mind around that sort of hatred. He knew Sirius had a rather dark side, could be quite cold and even cruel, but to do this?
And what about Remus?
"I don't believe that it was Sirius' intention to put you at risk. I think it surprised even him that Severus was so foolish." Dumbledore's words offered some small comfort.
Apparently Dumbledore believed Sirius had not actually intended to harm Severus. Remus really wanted to believe that was the case, even if it didn't change the fact that Sirius had risked it at all—or the fact that he had knowingly risked exposing Remus' secret.
But he had. It was just lucky for Remus that he hadn't been expelled, or worse, sent to Azkaban for murder.
Lightning flashed brilliantly outside the window, followed quickly by a pane rattling crack of thunder, dramatically underscoring the enormity of what might have been. Nausea threatened to overtake him. He breathed in deeply and slowly, trying not to think for a minute. He drew on his knowledge of Occlumency to calm himself, but only long enough to settle his stomach. He needed to think, so he could understand.
It just didn't make sense. Sirius had been the one adamant about keeping the secret from everyone, including Lindi—especially Lindi—even as late as the night of Remus' birthday.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do?" Sirius had said as he, James, and Peter left Remus alone with her.
While Lindi had taken it as mere innuendo, Remus had known what Sirius really meant. Sirius had been warning Remus not to let alcohol-induced carelessness, or the even more dangerous heat of the moment, trick him into telling Lindi the truth. Remus might have been befuddled with the Firewhiskey, but it had been obvious what Sirius had meant. He had been completely serious about not doing anything he wouldn't do, so there was no way it had been any sort of sexual innuendo. Sirius would have done that in a heartbeat.
The hungry look that had been on Sirius' face as he blatantly ogled Lindi's cleavage in the skimpy costume that night had made that all too clear. Granted, Sirius had been nearly as intoxicated as Remus, but it hadn't been the first time Remus had noticed him looking at her. The way he would watch her bum as she walked away in her Quidditch tights… Even if it wasn't nearly as blatant as the ogling on his birthday, Remus still noticed.
That's only normal, Remus reminded himself. Loads of blokes look at her that way. Sometimes Peter looks like he's actually going to start salivating.
It was to be expected when dating a girl that looked like Lindi.
Besides, Sirius also found her to be…aggravating. The way he had jumped to the worst conclusions about her the night they had seen her with Daniels on the Marauders' Map, before they had learned the two were simply dancing… Or when Lindi had been angry with Remus during detention because of that incident between him and Celia, and refused to speak to him…
Both times, Sirius had been more upset with Lindi than Remus, though in a very different way. A bit strange…Why did he take those things so personally?
Sirius and Lindi hadn't really gotten along since she had lost him the bet. Could that have upset him more than anyone had thought?
Remus shook his head to clear it of the crazy thoughts forming there. Stop it! Things are bad enough without getting paranoid.
Stop thinking about Sirius before you go barmy. Think about Lindi.
But that didn't make him feel very much better. Things had been so awkward before the full moon; would she be wondering what was going on and where he was?
Of course she is, you idiot!
He wondered if she had sought out his friends to ask about him. What would they have told her?
Whatever it was, it would have been more lies. Unless Sirius decided to take it upon himself to tell her and mess that up for you, too! His teeth ground together as his jaw clenched furiously. The thought of her finding out from anyone but himself was awful.
Poor Lindi…She deserved so much better than all this. He fully intended to make it up to her and to tell her everything, but now he had this added complication weighing on him.
As if telling her wasn't going to be hard enough! he thought, anger towards Sirius smoldering ever hotter.
He would have almost thought Sirius was trying to keep the lies between them. But if he was so worried about her learning the truth, why had he told Severus?
Severus… Remus groaned. How was he ever going to face Severus again?
All this emotional turmoil made him sicker to his stomach than he already was from all the pain, blood, and potions. Just now, the thought of another very potent Sleeping Draught was tempting, but that would only be delaying the inevitable. He couldn't sleep away all these problems.
He really needed to get out of here and face them, set things straight once and for all. He'd have to deal with Severus when the time came, but now he wanted to get himself together and find Lindi before she was so upset she would never speak to him again.
Unfortunately, he needed to talk to Sirius first. He was far too angry to focus clearly on anything else until he had.
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Madam Pomfrey released him from hospital later that evening, as soon as she was convinced the bite wounds on his forearm would not start bleeding again. If only werewolf bites would heal as well as most wounds, he could have been out hours ago.
As Remus laced his shoes, Professor Dumbledore walked over and stood next to the bed.
"How are you feeling, Remus?" he asked.
"Fine, thank you, Sir," Remus answered automatically.
From the look on the headmaster's face, he knew better, but left Remus with his dignity and refrained form pressing the point.
"I have been in contact with your parents. I felt they should know what has happened. Your mother wanted to come, but I assured her you were in no danger," said Professor Dumbledore. "I hope you don't mind." The glint in his eye indicated he was sure Remus would not have wanted it any other way.
Remus was immeasurably thankful. Much as he loved his mum, the last thing he wanted right now was her hovering over him as if he was an injured toddler, and she would if he let her. She was probably more panicked than Remus himself had been upon learning his secret had been revealed.
"Not at all, Sir," Remus said, managing a small embarrassed smile. "Thank you for telling them I'm alright."
"I was happy to be able to do it."
Remus knew more was forthcoming when Dumbledore sat down on the edge of the bed, rather than wishing him good evening. He couldn't help feeling a bit anxious.
"You should know that there is some speculation going around the school about what has happened," said Dumbledore.
Remus visibly tensed, feeling his anxiety turn to panic yet again.
"Do not worry," Dumbledore said earnestly. "Your secret remains safe. Severus Snape has held his silence, and will continue to do so, as I said before."
Remus relaxed a bit and lowered himself onto the bed weakly, having gone a bit wobbly with the panic.
"Then what sort of speculation is going round?" he asked, still concerned.
"Quite a wide variety, from what I gather," he said, quite jovially. "It would seem that a werewolf on school grounds is the only scenario not being discussed. I'm afraid our students are not keeping track of the lunar cycle as closely as Professor Galileo might wish." Dumbledore smiled, apparently amused by the rumors. "The only thing known for certain is that there was another incident between Sirius Black and Severus Snape, which would not be of much interest if not for the fact that Sirius Black and James Potter have barely been on speaking terms since."
"They have?" Remus asked, surprised. He could not remember the last time Sirius and James had even seriously argued, much less fallen out enough that the rest of the school realized it.
Dumbledore nodded. "James did not hide his disapproval of Sirius' actions at all when they were in my office. He was very concerned that you would be in trouble. I would not expect him to get over that right away."
Remus felt a huge surge of gratitude towards James. He suddenly felt more secure than he had since learning what Sirius had done, and the possibility of losing his friends didn't seem quite as likely.
"James is a good friend," he said.
"Yes. I can see that." Dumbledore smiled kindly.
Starting to feel emotionally vulnerable, Remus refocused the conversation. "If they aren't suspecting a werewolf, what are people saying?"
"I believe the most widely accepted view is that the four of you lured Severus into the Forbidden Forest and some fearsome beast attacked him. According to my source," Dumbledore's eyes sparkled, but he did not reveal the source. "All sort of creatures have been discussed, from Giants and Chimaeras to even a Nundu. It is actually proving helpful. I don't believe I will have to worry about students sneaking out of the castle for quite some time, and in light of current events, that is a load off my mind." The clear blue eyes clouded and he looked less amused. No doubt he was thinking of the rash of attacks and disappearances being attributed to that group, the Death Eaters. He sighed and then went on. "While the grounds of Hogwarts are as safe as can possibly be, the castle is considerably safer still. And there are dangers in the Forbidden Forest, you know. Hence the fact that it is Forbidden."
Dumbledore gave him a look that said he knew Remus did know. Remus tried to look innocent, but the headmaster only smiled. "Now, where was I…oh yes, they know that James saved Severus and believe Sirius is upset about it, because you were injured instead. I don't know any other specifics, but I'm sure you will hear them soon enough. Unfortunately, I'm forced to give you detention along with the others, for being out of bounds. You understand I'm sure; otherwise, I don't think we could stop the speculation, which could prove dangerous."
"I understand."
Strangely, the only thing that really bothered Remus about being given detention was the possibility that he would have to serve it in close proximity to Sirius.
Of course, he would be confronting Sirius long before serving the detention together.
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When Remus arrived at the Gryffindor dormitory a short while later, he wasn't sure his friends were even in their room. It was possible that they were still in the Great Hall finishing dinner, though it was unlikely at this hour. Still, when he listened at the door, no words were being exchanged; no questions on homework from Peter; no condescending replies of, "Do you mean you still haven't sussed that load of tosh?" from Sirius.
The tension in the room was palpable when Remus entered and found that they were, in fact, inside. All three looked up, anxious and waiting for him to do something, perhaps erupt, from the look on Peter's face. Peter's mouth dropped wide open when Remus pulled his wand from his robes.
Had Remus not been so livid, he might have laughed. Peter clearly thought Remus was going to start hexing Sirius. The thought was terribly appealing, but Remus turned, closed the door behind him, waved the wand and muttered an Imperturbable charm.
Then he turned back around and looked straight at Sirius. For a moment he simply stared, giving Sirius the opportunity to say something first. Knowing it was not in Sirius' nature to admit if he was wrong, much less apologize, Remus didn't expect much, but he still wanted to give Sirius the chance.
For his part, Sirius eyed the wand still in Remus' hand, but his face was impassive. Remus couldn't help wondering if Sirius would just sit there and let himself be hexed, knowing he deserved it. The temptation to find out was strong, but the desire to know why Sirius had betrayed him was even stronger at the moment. He slipped the wand into his robes.
"Well?" he asked.
Sirius shot a glance towards James. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw James' head jerk meaningfully in his direction. Preparing himself for something apparently unpleasant, Sirius took a slow breath and looked back at Remus.
"Listen, Moony," Sirius said. "I—" He braced himself before going on. "I'm sorry you could have been in trouble, but Snivellus was going on about seeing you leaving the castle with Madam Pomfrey and that he was going to get to the bottom of things once and for all …saying he was going to tell everyone…And he would have done—and you know it."
Remus continued to stare, trying to process what he was hearing. Sirius was making excuses, saying he had done it all in a misguided attempt to protect Remus. If what he said was true, Snape had threatened Remus and not simply irritated Sirius. While it made the betrayal somewhat less vile, it didn't change the fact that Sirius had been completely out of line—and reckless.
"So you helped him along, helped him get to the bottom of it?" Remus asked, his calm voice belying the anger he still felt. When Sirius didn't respond, Remus continued, his voice growing angrier with each sentence. "Snape has been suspicious of me for ages. He has always tried to get us into trouble—but he's never had any proof of anything and still wouldn't if you hadn't told him exactly where to look! And much as he annoys you, you've never resorted to attempted murder, Sirius. Why? Why would you do this?"
"Look, nothing happened," said Sirius, a slight sting in his voice. "Snivellus is fine and he isn't going to say anything. Dumbledore must have something on him. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but he had it coming. Next time maybe he'll keep his big greasy konk out of our business. Now can we let it go?"
Every muscle in Remus' body tensed. "Let it go? Just like that?" he asked. "Do you even care what might have happened? Are you at all sorry that Severus might have died? Do you realize what a horrible position you put me in? I thought we were friends, Sirius!"
"We are friends," Sirius drawled a little too dismissively, as though Remus was being overly dramatic.
The tone made Remus more furious. "You have a funny way of showing it—treating me more like a rabid attack dog! I'm not something to sic on people who annoy you! I know we've joked about things like having me eat Professor McGonagall before, but I never dreamed you'd really try it!"
Sirius gave a little roll of his eyes. "Come on, Moony."
Remus stared at him. How dare he roll his eyes, as if Remus were making a bigger issue of this than it really was? It was a huge issue! And Sirius had not sufficiently apologized. Actually, he had barely apologized at all, spending most of his time blaming Severus Snape.
"I mean it, Sirius!"
Sirius sighed, apparently irritated that Remus would not let it go. After a few moments thought, during which Remus noted James and Peter's uncomfortable silence, Sirius said lightly, "Fine, I promise I will never sic you on Professor McGonagall or any other actual people, but this is Snivellus we're talking about."
A tiny snort escaped Peter, but the look Remus shot him apparently quashed any humor he might have found in Sirius' questionably witty reply. Peter looked down, abashed.
Remus turned his attention back to Sirius. "How dare you make light of this? It isn't funny! You could have killed him! I could have! I know you hate him, but did you once consider what might have happened to me? Or doesn't that matter, because I'm not a real person either!"
"Come on, Remus." But it wasn't Sirius arguing this time. It was James, finally breaking his silence. "You know we all know you're a real person."
"I'd ask you to stay out of this, James," Remus said in a shaking voice. "But if it hadn't been for you…if you hadn't…" He put his hands over his face. Like the rest of his body, they were trembling with rage. He couldn't remember ever being this angry.
Not even when he had learned the true circumstances of his bite… Finding out that he'd been the victim of a deliberate attack carried out by a sadistic and depraved monster, rather than of the unfortunate action of a helpless out-of-his mind werewolf, as Remus had always thought, had been a bitter pill for Remus to swallow. Learning how Greyback had used Remus to get back at Remus' father, simply because his father had said things Greyback didn't like, had been terrible. Remus' life had been forever altered over mere words.
Now, Sirius had used Remus to get back at Severus. Granted, Severus' offence had been a bit more than just words, but threatening Remus with exposure was still not grounds for attempted murder. Besides, unlike Greyback, Sirius was supposed to be Remus' friend! Friends didn't use each other, regardless of why.
He lowered his hands from his eyes and glared at Sirius. "I can not believe you used me this way."
For the first time since Remus had entered the room, Sirius looked as if he might have become genuinely uncomfortable. Was he beginning to at least consider Remus' feelings? He looked away, but said in a rather defiant tone, "Well, he was asking for it!"
Remus closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, trying to stop himself from flying into a complete rage. Sirius simply could not admit he was wrong.
Taking a very slow and deep breath, Remus replied, "Really? He was asking to be killed, ripped to shreds by a crazed blood-thirsty beast? Or maybe he was just begging to be bitten and infected with an incurable curse thatwould forever alter his life!"
Sirius continued to look out the window and said nothing. James and Peter remained silent as well, and only James would look Remus in the eye. James had definitely earned the right when he'd risked his own life to stop Remus from attacking Severus. One day, Remus would thank him, though he'd never be able to repay the debt.
But right now, he was dealing with Sirius.
"Again, Sirius, I thought we were friends! You should know me well enough by now to know I would never wish my curse on anyone, not even my worst enemy—or yours." He swallowed and took another deep calming breath while Sirius continued to stare out the window. Why couldn't Sirius just say he was sorry, and mean it? Didn't he understand?
"Nothing to say, Sirius?" Remus taunted. Perhaps if he made Sirius uncomfortable—or angry—enough he would finally say what he really felt. "Do you have any idea what it is like for me—and people like me? Have you ever given it a moment's passing thought? Knowing what most people think about me, how they feel when they pass me in the street—or would if they knew what I was. Fear and revulsion…that I'm a dangerous monster! And the worst part is, I know they're right!"
"You are not—" Peter finally spoke.
"Yes I am, Peter!" Remus interrupted. "At least once a month, I am a truly horrific beast. I have lived with it since I was four and a half years old. Every month for almost thirteen years I have tried to stop the transformation from occurring—but I can't." He shook his head sadly. "The worst part is knowing what I'm capable of and having absolutely no control over it. Can you even imagine what it is like to know you would actually kill someone? Do you have any idea what it feels like to wake up with the taste of blood in your mouth and praying desperately that it is your own?"
No one answered. Remus looked around the room at his three friends. Even James looked down and Remus had not felt so very alone since he'd come to Hogwarts.
"Well, that's how I felt yesterday morning. I was sure I had…I was scared to death that I'd—" Remus stopped for a second to compose himself. "That I'd killed one of you." His voice wavered on the last.
"But you didn't," James said quietly, trying to console his friend.
"But I could have," Remus countered. "And I wouldn't even have remembered doing it."
"So it wouldn't have been your fault, even if you had," said Peter.
"Yes it would have!" Remus cried. "I'm the one who lets you stay with me. I'm the one who lets you take me out! I'm the one who trusts you to keep me from doing exactly what he nearly had me do!" He jabbed his finger at Sirius, who had finally turned back around to face him. "Damn you, Sirius! You almost made me into the monster I've been fighting all my life!" Remus' face was flush with anger. His hands were clenched into trembling fists.
For his part, Sirius actually looked speechless and even a little ashamed. Good! He should be! He should be on his knees begging for forgiveness! Of course, Remus knew better than to ever expect anything of the sort. But he would settle for a genuinely contrite apology and promise to never do anything so stupid again.
However, Remus didn't know if he would ever be able to trust it. This betrayal might well be too deep.
"Do you have any idea the trust I have placed in you? I have not only trusted you with my life, but with my self respect," Remus said, his voice now deceptively calm. Sirius looked slightly confused at this last statement, so Remus explained.
"In all these years, I have never killed or bitten anyone. That fact allows me to sleep at night. It allows me to face myself in the mirror—and not see a total monster! It allows me to look people in the eye when I meet them in the corridors." The image of Lindi's smiling face flashed through his mind. He felt his eyes burn. "It allows me to delude myself into thinking that I might have a normal life." He looked very hard at Sirius. "You almost took that away from me—on a whim! You, one of the few people I have ever trusted in my life. I have trusted you to prevent me harming anyone, including myself by keeping the wolf entertained. You have betrayed that trust. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you again."
The silence was broken only by the sound of Remus' robes as he turned and walked out of the door. He had to get away before he lost control of his emotions. He pretended not to hear Lily when she called to him across the common room and, after roaming the halls, he found himself at the secret passage behind the mirror on the fourth floor. When he entered, he lit a torch and noticed that all remnants of the shattered glass and Firewhiskey from his birthday had been removed. He sat on the sofa and stared at the single torch flickering against the stone wall, feeling quite numb. He must have been too tired and overwhelmed to stay so angry. All track of time was lost, and he didn't know how late it was when he heard the mirror open and turned to see James quietly enter.
"I thought you might like to have this when you decide to come back to the tower," James said, setting the Invisibility Cloak on the sofa beside Remus. "It's nearly curfew, and Peeves has been about, and Filch is on another rampage."
"Thank you," Remus answered dully. He knew James probably wanted to talk things over, but he was so weary. He just wanted to be alone.
"No problem." James stood there for a moment, apparently trying to figure out what to say, but in the end, he only said, "I'll see you later."
"Good night." Remus felt a bit guilty as James walked slowly towards the door, but he let him go without saying anything more.
James stopped with his hand on the mirror frame and without turning around, he said quietly, "He knows he shouldn't have told Snape. He regrets it, if it makes any difference."
"Did he tell you that?"
James turned and frowned. "No," he admitted begrudgingly. "But I can tell he does. I know him."
Remus smirked bitterly. "Yes, I thought I did, too."
The sad look on James' face as he turned back and started to push open the door made Remus feel even guiltier. He knew James hated what was happening to their friendship every bit as much as Remus did. He felt doubly bad since James had been the one who had saved him.
Suddenly, it occurred to Remus that James had also saved Sirius. What would have happened to Sirius if he'd actually been responsible for Snape's death or infection? Remus wanted to ask James why he had gone after Severus; who had he been trying to save? But at the same time, he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer. Do you really want him to have to choose between Sirius and you?
He glanced at the Invisibility Cloak that James had brought to him. It was the second time in the past couple of weeks he'd thought to help Remus out like this. Regardless of his friendship with Sirius, James obviously cared about Remus, too.
"Thank you, James," Remus said as the mirror swung open. "You saved us all."
Looking mildly embarrassed, James smiled and in an uncommon display of humility, tried to shrug the gratitude off. "What are friends for?"
"I mean it," Remus said in earnest.
"So do I."
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The room was dark when Remus crept in some time later. He was exhausted, not having fully recovered from the full moon, but, since he didn't want to see Sirius again that night, he had waited to return until the others would likely be in bed.
Then, they had already left for breakfast when he finally rolled out of bed the next morning. He was glad for it and didn't take it personally, from Peter and James, at least. Sirius, on the other hand, had probably been eager to leave Remus in the room. He wouldn't want another confrontation any more than Remus did.
However, after noting the way the other students watched them when Remus rushed into the Great Hall to grab a bite, it occurred to him that the discord between the Marauders was quite a source of interest. Many eyes followed him as he bypassed Sirius to take the seat next to James, and there was much whispering. As long as this rift between him and Sirius continued, there would be questions, and with them, the danger that someone might come across uncomfortable answers.
Even so, he couldn't just pretend nothing had happened!
He was spared the need to pretend for the moment, when Lindi walked up from behind.
"Hello, Remus," she said, just as he forced a spoonful of porridge into his mouth. He noticed the flat tone in her voice. After a few days apart, he would have hoped she would sound more excited to see him, but of course, all things considered, he couldn't blame her.
He stood up quickly, wiping his mouth. "Hello, Lindi." He smiled but wondered if he was acting as guilty as he felt. After all this time, the urge to blurt out a confession and beg forgiveness was nearly overwhelming, but this was neither the time nor the place.
"Are you alright?" she asked, noticing the healing cut on the side of his face.
At least she still cared enough to ask.
"Yes," he said. "I'm fine."
She looked around him at his full bowl of porridge. "You're still eating. Do you want me to wait for you, and we can walk to class together?"
That she had asked him was not a good sign. Of course he wanted her to wait for him, but it seemed her insecurity was resurfacing. "Yes," he assured her. "I'll only be a minute. I'm not very hungry. Would you like to sit down?"
"No, I'll just go get my things." She went back to her table and gathered her books, then waited for him by the door.
Once he'd finished, he joined her. With a forced and rather stiff smile, she asked him if his face hurt much.
"No, the pain potions Madam Pomfrey gave me helped," he answered.
"That's good," she muttered distractedly. After a moment she seemed to think of something to add to their stilted conversation. "I can't believe you were attacked by a Chimaera."
Remus blinked, but quickly remembered that this was one of the rumors going about, though Lindi acted quite convinced that it was true. He wondered if his friends might have chosen this as their cover story.
"Who told you that?" he asked cautiously.
"Peter," she confirmed his suspicion. "I knew there were dangerous things in the Forbidden Forest, but if I'd known they were that dangerous, I don't think I would have gone in. I can't believe there are actually Chimaeras in there."
Remus hated to let Lindi believe the lie. Unfortunately, with people turning to listen as they walked by, he didn't really have much of a choice. "Neither can I," he said as a compromise.
"You lot really need to be more careful on your lads' nights out," she said.
Something in the way she said it and the way she looked at him struck him as odd, but he couldn't put a finger on it.
"Yes, we do," he agreed. He certainly would be more careful from now on, since he knew he couldn't trust Sirius to keep him out of trouble. He felt the bitterness bubbling up.
He heard Lindi say something, but missed the words since he was deep in his own thoughts. "I'm sorry, what was that?" he asked. He didn't like the look on her face. He'd hurt her feelings.
"I asked you how James managed to stop it."
"Stop what?"
Now she looked hurt and a little irritated. "The Chimaera."
"Oh, right…I don't know," he answered. "I was unconscious at the time."
"Hasn't he told you about it?"
"I only know he locked it in an old building until everyone got away."
"Really?"
He nodded, but his mind was wandering. Try as she might, Lindi couldn't seem to keep him engaged in the conversation. All the things Remus wanted and needed to say were blocking his ability to carry on any sort of normal conversation, especially considering it was a conversation based on lies. It was painfully uncomfortable.
Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to him. "Remus, what is going on?" she asked, shattering the awkward silence. "What were you doing out there?"
She looked at him intently, needing the truth, but he still couldn't tell her just yet. Much as he hated doing it, he said, "It's a long story, Lindi. I'll tell you about it later, when we have more time, alright? We have to get to class now." She hesitated for a moment before nodding and they continued down the hall in silence.
When they reached the end of the corridor where they would part to go to their respective classes, he told her he'd see her later, but she didn't say anything. He didn't like the way she was looking at him.
Finally, she blurted out, "Severus said he saw you leaving the castle—with a woman."
At first, Remus was so startled that he didn't quite follow what she was getting at. He worried about what else Severus might have told her, but she didn't say or ask anything more. She just waited for him to explain about leaving the castle with Madam Pomfrey….But suddenly Remus realized what she was asking. She hadn't said with Madam Pomfrey, but with a woman. Lindi didn't know it was the school nurse. Severus hadn't told her who the woman was. It was all clear now.
Thanks to Severus, Lindi thought he had been with another woman.
Crap! "Lindi, I—she—it isn't what you think."
"Then what is it?" she asked, her eyes gleaming and desperate. "What have you been doing? Why have you been avoiding me since—since your birthday?"
He thought she was going to start crying. He felt a bit like crying, himself. He wasn't sure if he could endure much more. He was so tired—tired from the full moon, being angry with Sirius, all the lies and hiding.
Soon he would put the lies behind them, but now….
"Please, Lindi... I can't talk about it now. We have to get to class." He looked around at all the students passing them, heading into the nearby classrooms. To his horror, Severus Snape was standing in the nearest doorway, sneering. Things kept getting worse and worse.
Face going hot, Remus looked back at Lindi and said in an urgent whisper. "I'll explain everything later, when we have some time to be alone."
"When?" she asked. "You keep saying later, but there's always something…"
"I know. I'm sorry. But we'll talk tonight, after dinner. I have some time before my detention." He saw the look on her face and leant down close to look her squarely in the eyes. "I promise."
She stared into his eyes, trying to read the truth, then nodded, but still looked rather miserable when she turned and started down the corridor.
Severus Snape, on the other hand, looked cruelly delighted when Remus passed by him on the way to his own classroom. "Trouble in paradise, Mooon—y?" he said.
"Good morning, Severus," Remus answered, praying Snape would not start anything.
"No actually, it isn't. You and the other three—monsters—are still here," he snarled.
Remus glanced around to see if anyone was listening. Fortunately they were all busy unloading book bags or talking amongst themselves. He looked Snape in the eye and said in earnest, "Thank you for not telling anyone about—about me. And I'm sorry for what almost happened. I didn't know what Sirius was going to do. I never would have—"
"Save your breath for someone gullible enough to believe you," Snape hissed. He looked down the hallway where Lindi was just turning the corner. "Someone like Lindi, perhaps?"
Snape's lip curled in a loathsome sneer when Remus face froze. "Does she know what kind of man her precious boyfriend is?"
Glee practically glowed in Snape's face when he got no response. "So, she doesn't know, does she?"
Remus could not deny it. He stood there, feeling humiliated.
As though he could read Remus' mind, Severus proceeded to gloat. "Well, well, well, the brave Gryffindor lies to his girlfriend, too. And she thinks you are so special. If she only knew just how special you really are… Maybe she should read this." He unexpectedly slapped a rolled copy of the Daily Prophet against Remus' chest. "And she thinks you care about her." Remus absently reached up to take the paper as Snape gave a degrading snort. "But your kind doesn't care what happens to anyone else, do they?"
Remus didn't try to argue. He knew it wouldn't do any good. Severus wasn't interested in Remus' side of anything. James had told him that Severus thought they'd all planned the attack on him together, and no amount of arguing would change his mind. He hated them too much to trust anything any of them said.
"I am sorry," Remus said quietly and turned, walked to the next room and joined his class.
By the time the dismissal bell rang, he could hardly remember what class he'd just had, much less what the lesson was about. He was completely distracted. Much of his class time had been spent staring numbly at the front page of The Daily Prophet Snape had thrust upon him.
Fortunately, his next period was an open one and he made his way back to the Tower and the sanctuary of his own room. Peter had Divination, but James and Sirius were also free, though they decided to stay in the common room. Remus wasn't sure whose idea it had been, though he had the distinct impression that James might have been running interference for him, keeping him insulated from the curious students—and Sirius. Of course, it could have been Sirius' idea to avoid him, but he really didn't care at the moment. He was just glad for the time alone. He didn't need a single other distraction.
The conversation he must finally have with Lindi loomed before him, consuming his every thought as he sat behind the pulled curtains of his bed. Over and over, the words that he must say played in his mind, making him dizzy with dread. Still, he knew that it had to be done, even if he was about to break both their hearts.
After a while, James came in and called his name.
"Moony, are you coming to Defense?"
"Yes," he answered, checking his watch. Time had got away from him. He quickly folded up the copy of The Daily Prophet and slipped it into the drawer of his night stand, then followed James from the room.
He drifted through the rest of his day, little more aware than an Inferious.
The same sentence repeated itself in his head, like a scratched record skipping on his grandmother's old Victrola. He tried to think of other words to say, something less harsh. He even considered telling Lindi something all together different, but he knew it had to be this way, so he stopped trying to put the words out of his mind. Maybe if he said them to himself enough, it would be easier to say them to her.
While each minute seemed to take an hour, before he knew it, he was sitting in the Great Hall under a fittingly starless sky, staring down at his full plate. His three friends were subdued, barely speaking other than to ask for the rolls or salt. All around, their mood seemed to be infecting the whole school, or maybe it was just a coincidence—or a sign of the times. There had been a great deal of gloom in the paper this morning.
The thought made him shiver. He pushed a boiled onion around in the gravy of his stew, but couldn't bring himself to eat a bite. He was sure his stomach would rebel, sick as he felt. He looked over at the Ravenclaw table to find Lindi watching him, a full plate sitting in front of her, too. When their eyes met, her face didn't light up into the brilliant smile she usually graced him with. His heart ached, knowing he would probably never be graced with it again.
Screwing up all his will, he set the fork onto his plate, pushed it away and swung his legs over the bench. Across the way, Lindi followed his lead.
"Where are you going, Moony?" asked Peter.
"I have to talk to Lindi," he said. Peter and James looked at him with unmistakable sympathy. Sirius looked at the table and his jaw muscles clenched, but he stayed silent. He must have known better than to say anything.
"I'll see you in detention," Remus said.
"Good luck, mate," said James sincerely.
Remus gave him a small, fatalistic smile and walked away. Lindi was waiting for him at the door.
"Hi," she said, barely smiling.
"Hi."
Both of them were reticent, as if they didn't know each other nearly as well as they did. Of course, she didn't know him nearly as well as she thought. That was about to become all too clear.
"Are you ready to go?" he asked.
She gave a tiny shrug of her shoulders. "I don't know." She looked at him with such anxiety that he didn't think he could do this. He was so sorry for everything. He prayed she'd be able to forgive him—someday.
He wanted to take her hand, but thought it would be unfair, so he offered his to her. To his slight surprise, she actually took it.
She's still willing to hold your hand…for now, he thought, painfully aware of how clammy his hand must feel. But hers felt so warm and soft and comforting; he didn't want to ever let it go.
They walked quietly but with purpose. He had struggled to think of a place where they could go to talk. At first he'd considered the secret passage on fourth floor, but he had such good memories of it and he didn't want that ruined. The same was true for the Dueling Hall, or DADA room. He'd considered the Potions laboratory, since he didn't enjoy it, but decided that would be unfair to Lindi, who did. Finally, he had settled on an empty room in the dungeons, down the hall from the Potions classroom. The cold stone walls, rough and unadorned, were a fitting backdrop for such a conversation as this.
He closed the door behind her and led her across the room, to a table, stacked with ancient looking chairs.
"Do you want to sit down?" he asked.
"Do I need to?" She forced an awkward laugh.
He couldn't even make himself smile, knowing that she probably would need to sit.
Or run screaming…Or fly into a fit of rage…
The forced smile slid from her face. "Just tell me what is going on, Remus."
An elephant seemed to be standing on his chest. He couldn't breath. His stomach churned. Just say it. One little sentence…
"I—" The words caught in his throat. He swallowed, trying to moisten his mouth that had gone completely dry. Come on, Remus. You can do this. You owe it to her.
But he didn't want to do it. It wasn't fair!
She watched him, eyes starting to redden. Oh, how he hated this!
Come on, Remus! Are you a Gryffindor, or not? You know you have to!
He thought about his run-in with Severus that morning and his blood ran cold again.
If you really love her, you know you have to. He swallowed once more and forced himself to look her in the eye.
"Lindi," his voice quavered only slightly. "I—I don't think we should see each other anymore."
