Hey guys, warnings for some heavy stuff in this chapter. There are mentions of post-traumatic stress syndrome – something I have been encountering with people that I've worked alongside during a charity for veterans. There is also some mention of religion herein. I am not a religious person so I researched the method and procedure. I hope no one takes offense to anything as it's unintentional.

Xxx

Chapter 50 TH

Everyone stared at each other speechless as Stefan left.

"What the hell just happened?" Ian asked and looked to Damon.

Damon looked to him, just as confused and licked his lips.

"Go after him." Nathan said to him and Damon gave a small nod and headed out in Stefan's direction.

Ian hugged Isobel to him, rubbing her back and she shook her head worriedly.

"He'll be ok. He's just…he didn't mean to lash out at you." Nathan consoled.

"We've never agreed with feeding that baby blood Nate. It's never sat well with me." Ian said pointedly and Nathan nodded. "We've put our lives on the line looking after her."

"He knows that." Nathan said apologetically. "He's not himself right now."

"What happened to him?" Isobel detached from Ian and turned to him.

"When he was out of his body he went to some weird other reality."

"Other reality?" Ian frowned.

"It was like he was born again and grew up there."

"Grew up?!" Isobel gasped.

"Time worked differently there and he was human. He had a family there, a wife." Nathan added and both gawked at him silently.

"For him, this must seem like a dream."

"More like a nightmare." Ian said and sighed, crossing his arms as he thought on what that must be like for someone as emotional and sensitive as Stefan.

"He's going to need help with this. There's no way he's going to be able to get through adjusting after something like that." Isobel commented and they all nodded and looked towards the door Damon had left by.

Stefan paused outside, realising he had no idea what to do next. Vida was hungry so he should find some food for her. Did they have any in their cabin? Probably not and he couldn't remember which one was theirs anyway. Vida wailed and a door to a cabin opened. He looked to it and saw Nisha looking out at him concerned. He went to her immediately, blurring to a stop in front of her and she grabbed her chest in surprise. He blinked, similarly surprised at how quickly he'd moved.

"Stefan is it you?" She smiled widely and he nodded. "Are you ok?" She asked, looking at Vida who was now reaching out for her.

"Food, Vida's hungry. Do you have any?" He asked and she stared at him for a second.

"Yeah. Come in." She ushered them inside. "You don't have any bottles left?"

"I don't want her eating blood anymore. She's not like us." He said and sat down, bouncing Vida and holding her up by her hands so she could stand.

Vida sniffled but looked around and wobbled.

A knock chapped at the door and Stefan frowned in its direction.

Stefan?

He sighed. Damon opened the door and came in, looking towards them. Nisha opened her bag and withdrew a sachet of formula she'd been saving. She'd hoped that this might come around and that she could encourage Vida to try human food. She waited for the kettle to boil and poured it into one of the extra baby bottles she had, shaking it and cooling it under cold water for a minute until she was satisfied it was the right temperature. When she moved into the other room she felt the tension thick in the air. Damon was sitting across from Stefan silently as Stefan busied himself with Vida.

"You guys ok?" She asked. "Thank god you're back with us Stefan."

He gave a small smile and took the baby bottle from her thankfully. Damon watched Vida nervously as she touched the bottle and looked confused by the colour.

"She's never eaten anything but our blood before Stefan. Go slow." He advised and Stefan cradled her against him and stuck the tit into her mouth.

She squirmed and spat it out unhappily. Stefan rocked her a little.

"Come on Vida, eat up for father." Stefan said and Nisha mouthed the word 'father' to Damon silently and raised her eyebrows.

Damon gave a slight shake of his head and watched as Vida fussed and began to cry again. Stefan stuck the tit in her mouth once more, determined and she began to wail. The veins in her eyes came forth and Stefan closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Vida you will eat this!" He said annoyed and she looked up at him unhappily. "This is food. This is what you need to be strong."

"Daaaa!" She cried and lay back in his arms, tilting her head back to look for Damon.

"Stefan, she's just little. She doesn't understand." Nisha said gently.

"She doesn't have to understand, she just has to learn. All children learn when taught how to behave." He said and she frowned at him as he sat Vida up and tried again to feed her.

"Stefan." Damon said gently. "She's not going to eat it. She doesn't want it."

"Maybe you should try small amounts. Generally babies are weaned onto food Stefan. Maybe if you let her have small amounts with her normal bottle she won't be so resistant." Nisha suggested and Stefan exhaled and handed Vida towards her.

She came forward and took her, a little unsure.

"Please just feed her this bottle and put her down." He said and stood up and Nisha looked to Damon confused.

"Stefan, she's not a servant." Damon watched him.

"What?" Stefan frowned and looked to Nisha again.

"It's ok. I can care for her today if you need some time." Nisha offered and Damon stood up and took Vida back.

"No, Nisha. You've done enough."

Stefan opened his mouth to object when Damon turned and left the cabin. Stefan stood up, watching him leave and looked to the baby bottle in his hand.

"What happened to you over there?" Nisha asked and he looked at her wearily.

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"If you need to talk about it…"

"Thanks." He said but clearly had no intentions of doing so.

He gave her a quick nod of thanks and left, following after Damon. He stepped outside to find Nathan lurking around the door, eavesdropping.

"Hey." Nathan said. "I know everything must seem weird right now, but remember we are your family Stefan."

Stefan gave a nod.

"Do I have a car?" He asked and Nathan blinked. "A car, I need one or a horse."

"Damon's car is gone. Not sure where it is. You can borrow mine if you need to…"

"Great. Where is it?" He asked and Nathan blinked again and pointed to the green ford mustang they'd exited not long ago, parked not far from the cabins.

"Where you going?" He asked and Stefan made to move towards the car. "You'll need these."

Nathan handed him the keys and he nodded in thanks.

"Stefan. You want some company?"

"No, thanks. I just need to get a couple of things." He said dismissively and headed to the car.

Nisha opened her door and came out to stand with him, watching Stefan walk away.

"What's going on with him?" She asked and he shook his head.

"I have no idea." He answered and she looked at him, draping her arm around his back and leaning into him.

"Can you sense what he's feeling?"

"No." He said and sighed. "He doesn't seem to be channelling."

"Should we be worried?"

She looked over to their cabin where she could see Damon through the window, walking back and forth with Vida and feeding her from his neck.

"I think we should." Nathan admitted and gave her an unsure smile. "We need to give him space to figure it all out though."

She nodded and rested her chin on his shoulder.

"You hungry? Lunch is ready."

"Starved." She smiled and he put his arm around her and led her to Ian's cabin.

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Stefan got into the car and sat down, trying to take in all of the controls. It was strange remembering everything but it seeming faded and distant like a memory from his earliest years. He supposed that was what this was like after all. In his mind, he hadn't been back in this world for the best part of 40 years.

He scratched his head and tried to recall how to drive this vehicle. He was used to being driven in a cart everywhere or occasionally taking a steam locomotive. This seemed alien. He let out a deep exhale and tried to concentrate. He knew where he needed to go. He felt so conflicted. He needed advice.

He started the engine, smiling at the instant reaction from the car and placed his feet on the pedals. He could remember. He just needed to relax was all. He was about to put the hand break off when he caught a glimpse of himself in the rear view mirror and paused. He stared at himself in amazement. He looked so young! He removed his feet from the pedal and leaned forward to touch his face, examining himself. He looked like a teenager.

He was used to looking at a man in his forties – aged more than his years due to his life and experiences. He was clean shaven too and his skin was smoother, wrinkle free and pale. He'd began to notice red veins breaking out across his cheeks lately, but all of that familiarity was gone. He looked down at his hands, which were now shaking. No liver spots or wrinkles there either. He slowly patted down the rest of his body, searching for anything normal and was surprised to find such a muscular physique. He'd never really had that growing up. He'd become a little stronger and more toned during the war due to the heavy manual labour of the job, but nothing like this. It wasn't disappointing – far from it, but it was yet another change that made him feel like he had been dropped back into a foreign world again.

He closed his eyes and rubbed his smooth, boyish face.

"This is unnatural." He whispered to himself.

He placed his feet back on the pedals and started the car into motion. As he did a screen lit up on the dash and he frowned at it. It was a navigation tool. He rolled the car forwards, heading towards the road out of the camp and a voice spoke, asking him where he wanted to go. He chuckled at that.

He wasn't sure where Mystic Falls was, how far away but he knew he needed to get there. He advised the car of his home address and the car plotted a route.

"Ok." He said to himself and put his foot on the gas.

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Damon burped Vida and lay her down for a nap in their bed, cushioning her in with pillows. A knock came at his door and Ian entered after a minute. Damon put his finger to his lips to indicate that Vida was sleeping and he nodded.

"I thought you could use this." He said and brought in the travel crib they had been using.

Damon nodded and gave a smile in thanks, taking it from him and sitting it next to the bed.

"How's the little tyke?" Ian moved to stand next to him and Damon carefully lifted her up and placed her into the crib.

"Confused." He whispered and Ian nodded.

He tucked her in and stroked a trace of his blood from her cheek discretely.

"What are you going to do?" Ian asked and Damon sat on the end of the bed.

"No idea." He admitted and smirked. "It's like he's a different person right now."

"What was he like in that place?"

"Harder. Life back then was…cruel in a lot of ways. He wasn't the brother I grew up with."

He didn't even realise what he had said until he realised that Ian hadn't responded to him and was searching his face. He looked at him.

"What?"

"Stefan's your brother?" Ian asked, treading carefully and Damon's eyes widened.

"Shit." He exhaled and looked down.

"That's how you knew the spirit. She was your wet nurse too." Ian began to put it together in his mind.

"Yeah."

"Wow." Ian blew a breath out and sat down next to him. "You are together."

"We were." Damon smirked.

"And…" Ian looked to Vida in her crib and paused again.

"Yup." Damon followed his line of vision.

"Is there anything normal about you two?" Ian tried to lighten the uncomfortable mood and Damon gave a mirthless chuckle.

"What's normal?"

"Jesus." Ian exhaled. "So…Stefan has been somewhere else growing up without you and now he's back here."

"And he's freaking because he's not human anymore, mated to his long lost brother and technically a third sex."

Ian leaned his face into his hands, resting his elbows on his knees.

"I have no idea what to do with that." Ian admitted and Damon just nodded in agreement.

"Vida's the only familiar thing here and even then, she's not completely human either. She's not the Vida he had over there."

"He had a version of her there too?"

"Yeah, a normal human one. By the time I got there she was running around like a normal kid."

"She wasn't a baby?"

"Nope. Add to that he had another couple of decades of life moving with him, while we were trying to get him back. He had two other kids too. They must have all been growing up with him."

"How's is he going to adjust?"

"Damned if I know." Damon said feeling a little hopeless and Ian patted his back.

"Where'd he go?" Ian asked and Damon narrowed his eyes at him.

"Huh?"

"He took Nate's car and drove out of the compound."

Damon tensed at that.

"Maybe he shouldn't be alone if he doesn't understand how to live in this time right now." Ian suggested and Damon nodded and stood up.

He looked over to Vida, conflicted and Ian stood up too.

"Go. I've got her." Ian said and Damon swallowed and nodded. "Take my truck."

He handed him his keys and Damon searched his face for a moment before turning and leaving the cabin hurriedly. He ran over to Ian's truck and got in. Where the hell would Stefan go? He thought for a minute, trying to imagine. He had no idea where this new strange version would go for solace.

He concentrated on their connection and pulled a little, feeling Stefan at the other end. He couldn't be too far away then. He started the truck and pulled out onto the road, pausing when he reached the main road. He chewed his lip. If only he could channel to him, but Stefan seemed to be uncomfortable when any of them did that. He wasn't used to it yet.

Would he go to Beth? Would he go to get groceries for Vida? Where would he go?

His human life and his real life still held a few similarities. The biggest one being location. Yes. That's where he'd go. He turned to head towards Mystic Falls.

Nathan, going to Mystic Falls for Stefan. Look after my girl.

He drove like the wind, trying to think about what he should say when he caught up to him. He needed space but…they'd just got him back after a lot of trauma and everyone needed to know that he was really was back. No one knew what side effects there could be to him being out of his own body for so long. They needed to keep him close for a little while to make sure he was going to be ok.

He wasn't fooling himself that part of the reason he was chasing him and no honouring his wish to be given some space was for his own selfish reasons. He needed him. He needed his mate. His body certainly did at the most basic level. Vida had drank nearly all of their bottles and so Stefan was going to have to feed him from the vein in the short term – something he had a feeling that Stefan wouldn't want to do, considering he felt conflicted about their intimacy.

After what felt like days, he finally drove past the Mystic Falls sign and he headed to the Boarding House. He pulled up outside, feeling slightly glad to be home again, when he realised Nathan's car wasn't there. He got out anyway and went inside calling out for him. There was sign that anyone was here or had been for weeks. Nathan had littered the lounge with coffee cups and half eaten sandwiches that had gone mouldy, but apart from those obvious signs of habitation, there were none.

He pulled at his hair and frowned. In Stefan's human life in that reality he had been living at their original house, not this one. How stupid of him. He ran back out to the truck and jumped inside, headed for the road again. The original Salvatore home was overgrown and in ruins in the middle of the forest. Surely Stefan wouldn't be able to find it.

He reached the woods and left the truck parked at the road side. He blurred in, towards the old ruins and reached what would have been the front gates. He looked around and called Stefan's name. No answer. He grunted in annoyance and looked around the grounds, noticing footsteps in the mud, leading around to the old family burial plot. He followed them and looked at all of the headstones – or what was left of them. Stefan's footprints had stopped at Giuseppe's grave and sunk in deeper than the others. Stefan must have crouched down and stayed here for a while. He sighed.

The footsteps then wandered around, almost without any clear direction as though Stefan had been searching for something. What? He'd seen the burial plot in that other reality – the one with his headstone there. He shivered recalling it. Stefan knew that that headstone wouldn't be here in this reality so who was he looking for?

He shook his head and continued to follow the prints until he came upon grass and they disappeared.

"Stefan?" He called out and looked around again.

Nothing.

He closed his eyes and pulled on their connection again.

Pain

He felt Stefan's emotion and he frowned.

"Where are you little blood machine?" He whispered desperately.

He heard the chime of the local church bell ringing out the hour and he looked towards that direction. The church. Maybe? They'd been raised as Catholics in their real human lives so presumably Stefan had continued to follow that religion into adulthood. People in that time were deeply religious. That must be it.

He headed for the church, walking through the woods to get there to give himself time to think on what to say to him when he reached him. It didn't take long before he smelled the roses emanating from within the confessional. He sat down on a pew and looked at the altar. Strange. It wasn't like he hadn't been in churches before, but he couldn't get his head around Stefan needing to be here, because it certainly felt like Stefan needed to be here, evidently to confess. His scent was increasing, probably because they hadn't fed from each other yet. They'd joined last night but Stefan hadn't fully given himself back to him yet – he was holding back against their bond. At least it wasn't just Damon who was being treated that way. Everyone, even Vida, had felt the change in Stefan.

Inside the booth Stefan wiped at a few stray tears and clasped his hands together in prayer.

"In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Forgive me father, I can't recollect the last time I made it to confession."

"How can I help you today my son?" The priest asked in a warm tone that made him feel welcome and at home.

"I'm so lost father." He exhaled. "I've…" how to explain what he was going through? "I've been through some troubling times lately. I was at war and when I returned, I fought off madness for a long time. I'm recovered from most of it now, but it's changed me and now the people that I love seem different to me."

"War changes a lot of things for people. It changes how we perceive the world around us. I'm sure your family understand that it'll take time."

"They're trying to understand, but they couldn't. I feel out of place, out of my own time. Everything I'd come to know has left me." Stefan croaked. "Nothing seems familiar and safe."

"Perhaps seeking some help from those who can empathise will help you."

"Maybe." Stefan accepted and exhaled shakily. "The world that I thought was real, has been ripped away. I can't get it back and there were people…important people…" he struggled not to picture the faces of his two boys, "…they didn't make it back with me. They don't exist anymore."

"Before I became a priest son, I was in the army. I saw untold horrors too." The priest said and Stefan couldn't help but look to the dividing panel between them, to try and see the man's face.

"I saw good friends, brothers to me, die. Not all of us made it back home." The priest continued. "For a long time it angered me and I couldn't understand why I had survived and they didn't. What was it about me that was worth sparing, when some of those men had so much life left to give?"

Stefan nodded and blinked fresh tears.

"One minute they were there and then they were gone. As if they'd never lived at all." Stefan croaked.

"But they did live."

Stefan nodded in agreement. Of this fact he was vehemently sure. He'd even come here in hopes of tracing his wife from the registry – not that she had really been his wife, but he'd had to know if she had existed at all here. If she had, then maybe it meant that her soul had been part of his other life and that in turn might mean that his children still existed somewhere in their own rights – somewhere in heaven. He had found her name in the end and it had brought him to tears of relief. She had been real. She had lived, just not the life that he'd known for her. She had married in her twenties and had only one surviving child – a boy named Arthur.

"They lived and breathed and they changed you. They changed you forever – that is the legacy they leave you. You may not be with them now, but they left a mark you'll never forget. In your mind they are immortal through memory, my son."

That thought did comfort him slightly. His boys – immortal and alive for as long as he remembered them.

"Have you embraced your grief? Fully embraced it?"

"I don't know how."

"You need an ending. Mourning is an important part of life. It'll help you treasure the memory, but if you don't have some sort of resolution to your pain, it'll taint those memories. It can taint everything around you in time. Believe me, I have lived it. Only our lord god and saviour could save me from the blackness that surrounded my heart and help me live again."

"What should I do father? How do I begin?" Stefan begged.

"Allow your loved ones to comfort you, let them in son. You'll probably feel like you want to push them away but don't. They can remind you of who you were before and help you reconnect with that part of you. To become a civilian again, you'll need to be able to do that."

"What if the person I was before was a sinner?"

"We all sin, that's why you're here. If you didn't want to be a good person you wouldn't have come." The priest reminded him.

"I made peace with all of the things I've done. I thought I had and I was ready to move on, but now that I'm back here everything seems muddled again. I want to be a good person, a good father, but my life here seems to want to pull me in the wrong direction."

"In what way?"

Stefan swallowed hard, feeling his stomach clench in anxiety. Could he tell the priest about Damon? Should he?

"I…I feel intense feelings of love for someone whom I shouldn't."

The priest waited for him to continue.

"Before I left, we became a couple and I was happy. I shared all of myself, completely."

"And what has changed now?"

"I shouldn't feel this way towards him. I don't understand how it could happen. I remember it happening, but I just don't understand why it did and now that everything is jumbled in my head I can't help but feel like I should question it."

The priest was silent again.

"It goes against god to love another man and I have loved him. We've been intimate father." He rested his head against the wood panel separating them both.

"And this love you feel, does it feel wrong?"

"No and that's what I'm so afraid of father. In the past I never questioned it, but now…"

"What makes you question this love now?"

"Because he's…he's…" he struggled. "Father, god help me, he's my brother." He wept silently and the priest stayed silent and allowed him to collect himself.

"I'm not here to sit in judgement over you son, only our lord god can do that." The priest said and Stefan sniffled, wiping his tears with a handkerchief that had been placed inside of the booth.

"I can't tell you what to do, you have to make the decision yourself."

"I know." He agreed. "I just don't know how to decide. He looks at me with such…longing and I can feel his pain at my rejection."

"Does he share your feelings?"

"No. He did question our relationship in the past, but now he's committed. We were intimate last night and I…I wanted him so badly. I couldn't control my lust for him."

"It's difficult to see wrong when it is between two consenting adults." The priest exhaled as though he really was trying feeling frustration for him. "Perhaps the wider issue is that of the rest of your family and how your relationship affects them. Perhaps, that will help you decide how to move forward."

Stefan nodded, thinking on that. Vida. How could they continue like this with her to think of?

"I have a daughter." He mumbled. "I want to do everything I can to make sure she lives a good life."

"Perhaps she should take priority in your decision then."

"Yes." He nodded. "I have a responsibility to her to teach her."

"Allow her to be your eyes." The priest said then opened his bible to read from scripture.

Stefan sat listening to the calming tones of his voice and began to collect himself. Once the passage had been read, he listed the sins he wanted to atone for and the priest assigned him some penance. He listened gratefully and recited his act of contrition. He felt better, he definitely did.

"For His mercy endures forever." He responded as the priest spoke the words of absolution.

"In the hallway, there are pamphlets for veteran support groups my son. I suggest you take some and begin your journey towards health."

"Thank you father." He smiled and stood up to leave.

He exited the booth, wiping his eyes discretely and was surprised to see an empty chapel. He was sure he'd heard someone come in and take a seat. He hoped he hadn't been in there so long that someone had forgone their chance at confession.

He walked slowly towards the hallway and looked at all of the self-help posters on the walls and leaflets arranged on a table. Could this kind of thing help him really? He lifted a few and put them inside his jacket pocket, before he inhaled deeply and ventured forth back into the world.