Dedicated to Bluefox of the Moon, as requested!
Underline = strike through, like crossing out something when you're writing in pen.
You're not alone/There's more to this I know/You can make it out/You will live to tell ~ You're Not Alone, Saosin
The sun is rising.
(Ryou watches with a sense of hate; it will only set and leave him again.)
-0-
The sun is rising as the plane approaches Domino.
(Some part of Ryou knows it's mocking him.)
Yuugi is happy. The spirit is gone. The spirit is gone, the spirit is gone (that's all he hears in his head now – instead of laughter – the rumbling of gone, of alone.)
Alone.
(When they arrive at the airport, Ryou breaks away from…his friends?... and loses himself in the crowd.)
His chest hurts; there is no ring.
-0-
Ryou is not entirely sure if he likes Malik, but for whatever reason Malik likes him. He keeps calling at the darkest hours of the night with no explanation.
That's okay.
It's nice that Ryou doesn't like him (he's too arrogant and analytical; far too much like the spirit), it's nice to talk to someone and not worry about being good enough for them.
(Like Yuugi.)
He hasn't talked to Yuugi in a week. Ryou wonders if he'll ever.
-0-
He cried today.
(For the first time since Amane died.)
He couldn't stop.
-0-
Beep.
"Hey Bakura-kun! I haven't seen you at school lately – have you even come? Maybe you're sick, is that why you're not answering your phone? Or am I just missing you? (laughter) I've been kind of forgetful lately. Things have been so hectic you know? Well of course you know, because of well…yeah. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up I swear! I just called because me, Jou, Anzu, and Honda are going to the arcade in a hour or so…and I haven't seen you since…well, you know… just come okay? It'll be fun I promise. Unless you're sick, but if you are call back okay? I just want to hear your voice Bakura-kun. I miss you. You know I'm always here for you, if you need to talk. You can talk to me anytime; I just need you to know that. I'm your friend. Are you there? If you're there please pick up!"
…
"Okay, if you don't want to talk I understand…but Bakura, I kind want to talk to you. It's just; I don't think anyone else will understand. It needs to be you, Bakura-kun. Please pick up if your there. Please."
…
"Well…I guess you're not home. Hopefully you'll get this and come to the arcade with us? Honda and Anzu are worried about you. I'm sorta worried about you too… Anyway, just come meet us at the arcade, okay? Sorry for such a rambling message! It's just…I just need to talk to you. Call me back, even if you don't come. Especially if you don't come.
Bye. I miss you."
-0-
Ryou gets Yuugi's message three days later.
(He still doesn't call.)
-0-
He has his first nightmare that night.
Ryou dreams the darkness was slithering around him, spinning and wrapping itself around him like a cocoon. It tightens around him and digs into his skin (like tassels of the millennium ring). He fights and he screams until he finally breaks out.
He looks into a mirror and doesn't see his reflection.
Ryou sees his other's.
-0-
"You sound like hell."
Ryou coughs hard into the receiver, as if to prove Malik's point.
"Ra, Ryou what happened to you?"
"I'm sick," Ryou says in a nasally voice.
"Obviously. I'd meant why haven't you been answering your phone?"
"I've been…tired," Ryou lies.
"You're lying." Malik says simply, almost bored. "What's the real reason?"
Nothing gets past Malik. Ryou has learned this by now. And something about him makes Ryou feel comfortable, like he could spill all off his secrets and Malik wouldn't even bat an eye. (Not like Yuugi.) Malik didn't needed to be shielded from darkness, wasn't afraid of it. He wouldn't think less of Ryou if Ryou told him the truth.
So that's why Ryou is honest with him.
"I haven't answered the phone because I'm afraid you might be someone else. I don't have caller ID and I really don't…" Ryou trails off.
"Don't want?" Malik pushes for an answer.
There are no secrets from Malik.
"I don't want to talk to you or Yuugi."
Silence. Then, finally, a laugh.
"Well even if you didn't want to talk to me – which I know you do by the way, you're not that good of a liar – you'd still listen to me because that's what you do Ryou. You're polite."
Ryou (who really isn't that good of a liar) cannot disagree.
So he says nothing.
(He listens though.)
-0-
Dear Amane,
Everything is going great! Things are getting better.
Nothing's changed. I can't remember the last time I slept, and when I close my eyes all is see is that darkness… Yuugi keeps calling. It's strange, I want to talk to him so bad…he was the only friend I had (I never deserved him, did I?)…but when I try to pick up the phone and say something to him my throat closes up, my lips won't move. I can't speak. The same thing happened when you first Even though…even though Koe the spirit of the ring he it's gone, I'm still not in control. I'm a marionette with broken strings, lying on the stage with no purpose.
I think I miss I'm empty. I've been trying to catch up on my schoolwork, Mother would have wanted that, but none of it means anything. It's all just black on white. I'm trying though; we graduate in a couple of weeks. I can't believe school is almost finished. I can't really even remember the last two years of my life. Is that why the world seems so grey? Before when you were here it was so bright, so colorful. Everything's changed.
Malik's coming to Domino soon, probably before graduation from what he tells me. He's always most excited when he talks about leaving Egypt. Maybe I should leave too. Maybe I'll go home.
I need you here, I don't think I can I miss you I love you
Yours always,
Ryou
-0-
"Yuugi." He forces the word out of his throat.
"Bakura-kun!" Yuugi shouts, stunned. "I'm so happy to see you! What happened?"
"I've been ill," Ryou looks away, he can't even tell that half-lie.
"Oh, that's too bad," Yuugi's face looks absolutely elated though, "But I'm glad because for a second there I thought you were avoiding me...!"
Yuugi smiles.
(Ryou can't.)
"No, just haven't felt too good…"
"Well, we all are meeting up at the Game Shop after school; you want to meet us there?"
(No, I don't ever what to go anyone with any of you again.)
"I can't," a weak, forced smile – more of a lie than anything he has ever done in the past, "I have a lot of homework to catch-up on."
"Oh." Yuugi looks to the ground, "Maybe next time?"
"Maybe."
(Ryou walks away without a second word.)
-0-
"What am I to you?" Ryou blurts out, the words almost vomiting out from him.
There is silence on the other line.
"What kind of question is that?" Malik sneers.
(An honest one.)
"I'm just wondering…" he trails off and hugs his feet to his chest.
(Please, just tell them I'm more than a tool, a vessel; tell me that I'm more than an innocent face, more than someone to save. Please just – )
"Tell me I'm your friend."
"You're my friend." Malik says this the way one would read a shopping list.
Ryou allows a tingling, warm sensation to run through his body. The ghost of a smile he once had appears on his face.
"Now where was I before just rudely cut me off – ?"
-0-
"Bakura-kun! Bakura-kun!"
Ryou walks faster, pushing his way through a crowd of his peers.
"Bakura, Bakura wait! Please just talk to me!"
His walk becomes a run.
-0-
"I'm coming to Domino next week; I already have my plane ticket."
"Do you have a place to stay?"
"Not yet, Ishizu still hasn't –
"You could stay with me! … If you want…"
"Yeah, alright."
-0-
He's making extreme preparations for Malik's visit, including a deep cleaning. It's during one of theses that he first discovers (rediscovers, actually) where he hid all his mirrors. There crowded in the farthest corner of his closest, covered in a thin layer of dust (like the way dust gathered on his soul room walls…)
The teenager, still just a teenager, though he's been through lifetimes of suffering, brushes the dust off and hangs the mirror on the wall.
Ryou stares at his eyes for hours, looking for hints of red.
-0-
During another one of his cleaning missions, he finds the dice that used to go with his Monster World game.
They feel heavy in his hands; the weight of all his sins.
(In the back of his mind he hears laughter.)
-0-
"Hello, is this Yuugi," he pauses and then decides to go through with it, "-kun?"
"Bakura-kun!" Yuugi is always so happy to hear him, it's almost sickening.
(He doesn't deserve that kind of forgiveness. And maybe he doesn't want it either.)
"How have you been?" Ryou says sincerely and hopes for a sincere answer.
He wants to be Yuugi friend, not because Yuugi was the holder of the millennium puzzle but because Yuugi wants to be Ryou's friend too.
"Better. I've been better."
Then, Yuugi confesses everything.
-0-
"Hmm," Malik says at the first sight of Ryou, "I remember you being a lot taller."
Ryou's so excited he's not even offended.
-0-
"Everyone lies, Ryou; everyone pretends. Even Yuugi is trying to be someone he's not. He's not the Pharaoh, no matter how much he wants to be."
Malik lets out a humorlessly laugh. (Ryou doesn't find anything about his situation funny.)
"Even I lie to you – I'm not what you think I am. I don't even think I'm what I think I am."
Ryou cringes.
"Oh don't act so naïve. You already knew people are liars."
"I just want to believe, Malik." Ryou's voice cracks.
"Believe what?"
(In the truth, in good, in Yuugi, in you...)
"Believe in me."
Malik's frowns, like doesn't understand (or, much more likely doesn't want too.)
For the first time in their entire conversation, Ryou looks at Malik directly in his eyes.
"I don't know how anymore, Malik. I try and I try but when I look at myself…I…I…I can't. What should I do? What can I do?" Ryou's throat is raw, not from holding back tears, but from finally telling such a broken truth.
Malik's face relaxes and he closes his eyes. Then chuckles.
"First, you have to know who you are. Know that you're a liar – we all are. It's only natural."
Ryou looks far into the ocean and tries out those three small words.
("I'm a liar.")
"Now, why are you lying? Who are you trying to be, Ryou?"
Malik leans in close; maybe he's hoping that Ryou can answer for the both of them.
Ryou stares into the water, a distorted reflection greets him. Then, honestly, he answers.
"I don't know."
-0-
He knows who he's trying to be now.
He decides it right then as Malik took off onto another plane God knows where.
He is trying to be Ryou Bakura. Brother of Amane Bakura, a high school graduated, hopefully college-bound, lover of cream-puffs and role playing games.
(And he is not a host, or the light side of someone else's soul.)
He is a human being.
-0-
Yuugi rolls the dice and moves his figurine ten spaces.
(He's winning, of course.)
It's nice, whatever they are now and Ryou does his best not ruin it. Everything hard is over now; he has ridden through all through all the aftershocks. And he is still here. But some part of him still knows how unfair it is, Yuugi confessed. Should he not?
"It hurts, sometimes when I think about it. Sometimes I think I miss him." Ryou says abruptly. It's the truth, but a dark truth and usually Ryou's tries with all his might to shield Yuugi from the dark.
Yuugi's eyes swell and he gives Ryou a weak smile.
"Bakura-kun," he coos and Ryou turns his head, ashamed. He shouldn't feel this way, (and yet –)
"That's okay."
-0-
The sun is setting.
(But Ryou knows tomorrow it will rise again.)
A/N Late chapter is two days late and not even worth it. I'm soooo sorry! Please forgive me.
