Hello, wonderful readers! Well, a lot has happened since my last chapter. I bought a house and went to my first SPN con! The con was the most amazing experience and even though it was a month ago, I'm still fangirling from not only getting my picture with Jared and Jensen but also getting to speak with them. AAAHHH!
HUGE shout out to Emma Winchester 424 for co-writing this chapter as Dean. Without her brilliance and kindness, this wouldn't be possible. Be sure to check out her daughter-fic ASAP if you haven't already. It will blow you away.
I want to say how amazing all of you are. Although I don't post regularly by any means, I appreciate that you all stick with me and encourage me to keep going. Kate still has many stories to be told (says the eight unfinished chapters on my desktop, haha!).
This is a two-part story, and as a warning, you're going to need a kleenex by the end. Also, there are spoilers for the end of season 5/beginning of season 6 in case you don't generally know what happened :)
Dean - 32
Kate – 24
It had been a month. Thirty-one days from hell. A very long and hard month full of tears and unquantifiable amounts of alcohol and ice cream. A month since Sam had been lost into the oblivion that was The Cage, leaving Kate and Dean to cope in their own ways. Dean chose to dive into the apple pie life with Lisa and Ben, because that was what Sam had wanted for him. His brother was gone and he couldn't bear to come to grips with it, so he went along with Sam's plan for him, just going through the motions.
Kate, on the other hand, hadn't adjusted so easily. She'd lost her entire family: her father, Dean, and Sam once already…and now she was forced to live it all over again. Like a reoccurring nightmare that she never could shake. She was more expressive in her feelings than Dean ever would be. Unmotivated, exhausted, irritable, you name it, she felt it. She knew she was in no place to go off on her own right now and at first, the thought never really occurred to her. The girl stayed by Dean's side, and blinded by grief, she followed him to Lisa's house. Lisa was nice and Kate had nothing against her. She was kind enough to give Kate one of the spare rooms upstairs and hadn't seemed to care that she was staying there or in a bad mood almost daily. Kate didn't want to be best friends with her…her best friend was gone and nobody could replace him. And Ben…he was, well, there. If she ever got past this dark moment, she would start to realize the fun they could have together, her first shot at being a big sister. But that was a far trail from the one she was blazing down right now.
It was a typical evening in June. Ben was off at some Boy Scout gathering, and Dean, Lisa, and Kate were sitting at the table, finishing the spaghetti Lisa had prepared like any other weeknight. There was an awkward silence before Dean let out a fake cough and Kate immediately knew what it was for. He'd had a chat with her about being friendlier with Lisa, because she thought Kate hated her. But that was nowhere near the case. She liked Lisa, she really did. The woman was good for Dean, but Kate just hadn't been herself this last month, so making friends and small talk didn't come easy or willingly. Her mind was elsewhere and her anti-social side was on full blast as she tried to pick up the broken pieces of her life.
Dean saw Kate stalling and not even trying to make simple talk and he coughed again. Kate turned to him, clearly annoyed now. She deadpanned, "You want me to get you some water for that cough?"
Dean shot her an annoyed look. "I've got some, thanks." He twisted his fork in his spaghetti, staring pointedly at his sister. It was the one meal they ate together a day and he always kept a rather close eye on his little sister, much to her displeasure. But her track record of dealing with death didn't really support any other decision. Dean tried to disguise it as a need to spend time together and catch up on their days, but really, he just needed to make sure she ate one good meal a day because he was certain she didn't eat when he wasn't around. Honestly, he was just scared that she'd take a turn for the worse like she had done every other time a family member had died. He didn't want to miss the warning signs this time around.
"So. What did you do today?" he prompted.
Kate shrugged as she continued to absentmindedly cut her spaghetti with her fork. "Not much. You?" It wasn't a lie—she'd literally done nothing all day except go to the same place she'd always visited on days like this, days when her anxiety took over and she couldn't control it any longer. Where the voice spoke a bit too loudly in her head and she only knew one place to go to calm the fears.
He ignored the question and took a big bite of spaghetti. "Did you check out those classes today?" he pressed, still trying to keep the idea fresh in her mind. Whether it be school or a job, something would help her and he knew it. He knew what was best for this kid, but she'd always been reluctant to give in. Sam would have wanted her to go back to school. He would have wanted her to pursue nursing…find her apple pie life. He had to do right by Sam. So, he'd suck it up and continue urging her to quit sulking and get out into the real world. He couldn't lose her to the darkness, too.
She shrugged, "No, didn't have time." She continued to push her food around aimlessly.
Lisa piped up quietly, wanting to be helpful. "If you want, I can take you into town and show you around the campus."
Kate smiled out of politeness. "Thanks, but I don't think I need a tour of a community college campus." Because she knew it was just a single building, small type of deal.
Lisa shifted a bit uncomfortably, unsure how to interact with Kate sometimes. Her moods were validated—the girl had been through a lot—but that didn't make it any easier for Lisa either.
There was a part of Dean that wanted to lean across the table and smack Kate upside her head, but he didn't. He smiled at Lisa. "Hey- I think that's a great idea. It won't take long to tour the campus, and it'll get Kate off her ass."
Kate bit her bottom lip in quiet frustration. She knew that look from Dean, that he was annoyed by her behavior, and a part of her would never admit he was right. Kate wasn't exactly the most pleasant person to be around lately and she did little to improve upon it. But she honestly didn't want to disappoint Dean yet again, so she turned to Lisa and answered genuinely, "Yeah, maybe we can go next week." But the Winchesters at the table knew it was an empty promise.
"That sounds great. I'm sure you'll like it," Lisa replied, happy she at least got a positive response.
He turned back to his sister. "Isn't this spaghetti great?" It was his way of saying I better see you take a bite in the next thirty seconds.
Kate politely smiled before slightly glaring at Dean. She roughly shoved her fork into the spaghetti and took half a bite, chewing slowly for his sake. "It's delicious."
Lisa totally missed the exchange and smiled back, "Thank you both."
Dean reached over and squeezed Lisa's hand. "Tastes great, babe." He shot daggers at Kate, warning her to straighten up and kill the sarcasm. He didn't care that she was 24 and grieving. If she kept this up, he was going to beat the crap out of her. He ate another bite, then tried for more small talk. "So, we started on a new build today."
Kate knew that look. She was well aware that Dean still thought he can beat her down a peg or two, so she tried to pull it together. Not because she wanted to but because she'd rather not cause an embarrassing scene in front of Lisa. "What did you build? Another house?" she asked, even though she already knew his answer.
"No, we started a remodel of this store-front-thing downtown. Apparently, we're converting it from a former pet store to a high-end fashion something or other crap." He turned to Lisa. "How was yoga?"
"It was good. A new guy came in...he was probably 65 years old and had never done yoga before in his life. It was...well, interesting," she smirked, laughing at the memory.
Kate smiled, trying to picture this and joked offhandedly, not meaning for it to come off rude, but she was so used to joking with her siblings, "He probably just wanted to stare at your ass."
Dean's fuse instantly burned through. "Excuse me?!"
Lisa could sense the tension and jumped him, wanting to put out Dean's fire sooner rather than later. "She's right, Dean. He was a creepy old man." She laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "You can come to yoga class next time and beat him up." She flashed him one of his favorite smiles.
Lucky for Kate, that smile did the trick. Dean relaxed, but only a bit. "Damn right I'll kick his ass." He stabbed at his spaghetti, shoving a huge forkful in his face, his patience gone.
The rest of dinner was filled with small talk between Lisa and Dean as Kate remained silent, pushing her food around on her plate, taking the occasional bite. Lisa finished off her plate first and excused herself to go pick up Ben from Boy Scouts.
Kate just nodded in response as she sipped her water. Lisa put her plate in the dishwasher and came back over to Dean. She leaned down and kissed him quickly on the lips as Kate looked away, feeling uncomfortable every time it happened. "I'll be back soon."
He smiled at her. "Hurry back." Once she was gone, Dean's eyes swung back to Kate. He knew he was a little hard on her, so he tried to think like Sam would have. He took a deep breath, and looked at her plate. "Not hungry?" he asked very casually, not trying to push her.
She just continued to stare at her plate, "Not really hungry these days." She pushed the food around again before sighing slightly and forcing herself to take another bite, knowing Dean was going to stare at her until she did. This wasn't her first rodeo.
For all of his previous annoyance at her, Dean's heart suddenly twisted in his chest. He knew exactly what she meant, but that didn't mean he'd let her go all self-destructive mode again, even if he was on the verge of it himself. "Yeah, I know, Kate." He did say this with genuine kindness- as much as he was capable of. "Come on. Just eat a little bit more, okay?" He didn't realize he sounded like a parent trying to coax a toddler to try broccoli.
But Kate didn't miss that tone. "I'm not a kid, Dean, so please stop treating me like one." Her voice was flat, void of most emotion as she continued to shove the spaghetti around, resting her head on her palm.
Dean clenched his jaw. "Right." About as good of an apology as one could expect from Dean Winchester. He didn't miss her vacant voice and the playing with the food. He just didn't know what to say at all these days. He was worried he'd push her over the edge, but at the same time he was worried that if he didn't push her, she'd fling herself over the edge. Finally, his need to be in control won out. "So. Did you...what did you do today?"
She took another bite almost like a robot. "I didn't do anything. I slept. I ate. I laid on the couch." She couldn't meet his eye and just stared at her plate. Those were all the things she'd actually done today, she just chose to leave out her daily trip elsewhere.
Dean nodded slowly. At least she ate. "Well...do you wanna...I don't know. Go on a walk or something?" He felt so awkward and out of his depth. If Sam were here, he'd know what to do, know what to suggest to bring her mood up. But if Sam were here, Kate wouldn't be in this position. And Dean felt like a failure all over again. The type of pain that only strong whiskey could mask.
Kate couldn't hold back the chuckle that escaped her lips. "A walk? You? I think it'd give you a heart attack to do unsolicited exercise." It was so strange to her that Dean was even suggesting this. It felt so out of place, but yet strangely comforting at the same time.
Okay, well his first suggestion utterly went up in flame, but he didn't regret the chuckle it caused. It was like music to his ears, but he chose not to acknowledge it and tried another suggestion, "Well...let's see...you wanna go see a movie?"
"No," she said flatly and then turned and their eyes met for a second. An idea sparked behind hers and it was there to stay. "Let's go for a drink." Dean could tell that it wasn't a request nor was she asking permission. Her eyes showed she didn't want to get drunk; she just needed to leave the confines of this house and that was the only plan she knew they'd agree on.
"You know what?" He thought about it for a second. "Hell yes. Let's go." He grabbed his plate and headed for the kitchen. Over his shoulder, he yelled back, "I'm driving."
Kate felt a mixture of shock and relief that he agreed so easily, no convincing necessary. She just needed to be somewhere familiar, as strange as that sounded. And the Impala was on lockdown in the garage, so a bar would have to do. She followed suit and took her half uneaten plate over to the sink. "You think I can't drive your stupid truck?" she retorted.
He eyed her plate, noting the quantity of food left, but he chose not to press further and responded instead, "More like you're not going to, end of discussion. Besides, one of us has to be the designated driver."
She rolled her eyes and placed the leftovers in the fridge. "I guess I should shower. And damn, you should, too. You smell like ass." She crunched up her nose in the first sign of playfulness she'd shown in the last two days.
Dean lips twisted as he tried not to show how much her joking made him happy. "I will have you know I smell like a king. You, on the other hand, smell like a peasant."
She lightly punched his arm. "Give me twenty minutes and I'll be as clean as a queen." She turned to walk away and she was halfway out of the kitchen when she stopped, turning around. "Is, uh, is Lisa going to be okay with this?" Because whether Dean realized it or not, this was one of the first times they were going out alone since it had happened. And Kate wasn't sure how Lisa would react to their sudden evening plan.
He shifted uncomfortably. "Naw, she'll be busy with Ben tonight. You know, homework and all. Guess you're stuck with me." He knew that the subject of...what happened...may come up, and he'd rather Lisa not be around for that. He'd tried to shield her from as much of the truth as possible. She didn't need to know details—just know that Sam was gone.
Kate just shook her head half smiling before disappearing upstairs to quickly shower and change out of comfy clothes for the first time in days.
Dean grinned, but then replayed Kate's words in his head about his stench. He took a quick whiff of his underarm, and, after nearly passing out, headed into the master bedroom to get ready.
Kate threw on pair of jeans, sandals, and a black fitted tee. Her shoulder length wavy hair had mostly air dried by the time she stomped down the steps to sit on the couch. She sighed, noting that Dean was taking longer than her, so she pulled out her phone absentmindedly, ready to complain to someone about him. But she stopped. Who was there to complain to? There was no Sam to text. No one left. She had no one. She stared at her phone, pressure building behind her eyes as her throat closed up. Unable to handle the emotional powerhouse, she launched her phone across the room onto the other lounging chair just as Dean walked down the steps.
Dean jumped back in surprise as he saw the phone go flying. His eyes went wide. "What the hell did that phone ever do to you?"
Her back tensed and she bit her bottom lip hard, her usual tactic to push the tears down. After a deep breath, she'd managed to push them down as far as they would go and she relaxed slightly, shrugging her shoulders and not turning around. "Lost at Candy Crush again," she commented.
"Candy crush?" he questioned with a little disbelief.
"Yes, Dean. Candy Crush. It's a game."
"A game. Right." He knew she was lying through her teeth, but he also knew that she was going through hell right now, just like him. She had her reasons for throwing stuff- he'd let her be. He shrugged into his jacket. "Got any place in mind?"
Kate got up and put on her jacket as well. "You know this place better than I do. And you're driving. So you have to pick." She headed for the backdoor that led to the garage.
"Okay, fine. Let's go to The Rabbit Hole. You been there?" He snatched his keys and followed her.
She paused, so she could turn and stare at him likes he was beyond stupid. Did he not just hear her say she hadn't been out? Or maybe he just didn't realize how she had really never left the house. She did all her drinking out back or hidden in her room at night. Why go to a bar? "No, Dean. Never been there." Her eyes narrowed for a moment. "If it's a strip club, I'll kill you."
And with that admission and the look in her eyes, it had finally been confirmed. She really hadn't left the house. And that scared the shit out of him. But in typical Winchester fashion, he shoved it down along with his own grief, determined to make things right. "No, it's not a strip club. Although..." He turned and bobbed his eyebrows playfully, just to see if he could get a rise out of her.
She rolled her eyes beyond dramatically and turned around to punch his arm before opening the door to the garage. "You're practically married now, man. Start acting like it."
Dean froze for a second at the word "married", but then kept right on going. "Yeah, yeah. Married. With my own live in slacker." He playfully shoved her back.
But the word "slacker" hit her harder than expected and she immediately felt her mood plummet, remembering how little motivation she had to actually do anything recently. "It's just been a hard time, okay?" she tried to defend herself.
Dean grit his teeth, angry at himself. Why couldn't he think before crap came out of his mouth? He tried to smooth things over. "Hey- I was just messing with you. I know it's been rough." That wasn't even the half of it for either one of them, but that was as much as he'd say right now. He put his hand on her shoulder and gave it a little affectionate squeeze. "Come on. First round's on me."
She soaked up the rare affectionate moment and joked back with a slight laugh, "All rounds are on you, buddy. You're the one with a job after all."
Dean just made a slight scoffing noise, but his heart soared when she laughed- even if it was just a little one. "Yeah, yeah. Get in the damn truck." He pulled out his phone and sent Lisa a quick text to her let know he was going out with Kate and they'd be back later.
They started making their way through the housing complex and out onto the main road. Dean's phone was sitting beside them on the seat and it buzzed, receiving a text. Dean went to grab it but Kate smacked his hand away. "No phone and driving," she mocked his own words, grabbing the phone and opening it. It was from Lisa. Good...I'm glad you're finally able to go out. Maybe you can help pull her out of the funk. Kate quickly shut the phone. What? Was Dean talking about her to Lisa now? The thought of them sitting around, talking about what a downer she was lately made her insides boil from anger and embarrassment at once. And it stung. She quickly pushed the emotion aside and replied facing forward. "Lisa says to have fun. Oh, and to buy me more drinks."
"Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly what she said." He grabbed the phone, shoving her hands away with the back of his. He read the text quickly. Shit. He stole a glance over to Kate to see how she was reacting.
Kate continued staring straight ahead, keeping her face stoic because she knew Dean was trying to analyze her right now. She couldn't decide which was hitting her harder...the fact that Dean talked about her or that they thought she was "in a funk." Finally, she just blurted out the statement, "I'm not in a stupid funk." It was like she was trying to convince herself more than anything.
He was surprised that she'd talked, but he jumped right on the bandwagon. "Well, you ain't exactly been yourself lately, midget."
She laughed sarcastically. "Well I could say the same thing about you." Her gaze was still locked straight ahead.
"Fair enough." He hesitated, not knowing which way to step. He finally decided to go silent. Once he got a few drinks into his little sister, he knew she'd spill her guts; that was how she'd always been. If he pushed her now, he wouldn't put it past her to tuck and roll out of the car. They pulled up to the Rabbit Hole, and Dean parked. He turned to Kate, a very happy grin on his face. "Alright. Ready to go to Wonderland?"
She just nodded at his over eager grin and got out of the truck, walking toward the door. She threw over her shoulder, "Hurry up old man."
"Old man?!" He gave her a playful shove forward. "I'll show you old man." He pulled the bar door open and made a point to close it quickly behind him, essentially shutting her outside.
And just because she felt like getting him back with the first idea that came to mind, she quickly moved to the side of the bar, hiding out of sight around the corner as she waited for Dean to come back out-because she knew he would after about 5 seconds of her not following him inside. One, two, three, four, five…
Dean whipped the door back open. "Kate."
Kate didn't make a sound.
"Kate. Get your ass out here, now."
She casually stood in the same spot, leaning up against the wall, clearly in no rush to pop out. He thought he could just shut the door in her face? Well this was called payback. It was a hard check to cash.
"Kate! This isn't funny. Where are you?" When he didn't receive a response, he growled under his breath, "Son of a bitch." He went stalking around the side of the building looking for her.
Her hunter's ear was still finely tuned and could judge his steps and distance from her. At the exact right moment when he was rounding the corner, she stepped out quickly and placed both hands on his shoulders, facing him to take him off guard.
When her hands touched his shoulders, there was a wild urge to tackle her to the ground. But then Dean came to his senses, realizing that it was only his sister. He withdrew his reaching hands from her torso. "What the hell, Kate? I coulda killed you!"
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you're a little rusty for that, Construction Dad."
In response to that, Dean reversed his previous decision. In one lightning quick move, Kate was flat on her back in the parking lot, with Dean on top of her, pinning her down.
It took her a moment to process, but she didn't waste any time struggling against his hold, starting to get extremely frustrated that he was so much stronger. Finally, she reached up and punched him in the pec as hard as she could. "Get off!"
"Ow!" he hollered, but he didn't let her up. "First, take it back. I'm not a Construction Dad, or an Old Man. Take it back!"
She struggled against him. "You scolded Ben for talking with his mouth full at breakfast and you freaking went to build shit today. Construction. Dad." She tried to break out from under him.
As that realization hit Dean, he backed off, getting up off his sister but the comment was still so fresh and raw in his mind. He shook his head then realized she was still on the ground. He reached down and effortlessly yanked her back up. Without looking at her, he said, "C'mon." He walked to the door and held it open for her.
Kate stood up with a slight sense of pride that she'd won. As she was walking through the door, she paused for a second and asked over her shoulder, "Are you mad or something?" Because she could see a change in his demeanor and momentarily contemplated feeling bad for what she had said.
"No." It was said reflexively, instantly, so it wasn't hard to tell it was a lie. Dean walked over to the bar, knocked on the wood twice to get the bartender's attention. He looked over her shoulder. "What are you drinking?"
Kate shrugged her shoulders, honestly not sure she had the willpower to care what was wrong with her brother right now. "Whatever you're drinking."
He commented to the bartender, "Two whiskey neats." It didn't take long for the drinks to appear in front of them. Dean held his glass up to Kate in salute and downed the shot in one gulp. After a low growl, he looked at the bartender with determination. "Keep 'em coming."
Kate sipped her whiskey a few times. The taste wasn't as familiar as it was for her brother. By the time he'd downed the second one, she finished the first. Playing with the cup on the bar in front of her, she asked without looking at Dean, but her voice was raw and genuine. "How do you do it, De?"
He wouldn't look at her. He knew what she wanted to get at, but he didn't want to go there. He wasn't ready to allow himself to process what had happened. As long as he could focus all his energy on his sister, he could avoid it. Staring straight ahead, he stated with little emotion, "Do what."
She had hoped he would just understand what she meant instead of forcing her to say it. So, she summed it up in just one word. "Live?"
