Chapter Forty-Nine
"Finding our way back can be difficult. There's no compass, no map. We just have to close our eyes, take a step, and hope to god we'll get there." – Meredith Grey
"I'm surprised to see you here..."
Dr. Wyatt was settled into her chair now. Her face held the same calm and composed expression, the one she'd worn during each of their previous meetings. But it was apparent that she hadn't been ready for Meredith. Her usually clean desk was covered in files. Her notebook was hidden away somewhere. And she'd been feeding the fish when Meredith had arrived.
The truth was, this appointment had been set up awhile ago… maybe several months, Meredith couldn't recall. Back then, Dr. Wyatt had assumed that Meredith would want to come in, would need to come in really. The therapist had learned to anticipate the days that might be toughest on her patients. And so she'd scheduled accordingly.
But then Meredith had left… She hadn't said goodbye or set a return date. As she'd packed her luggage, standing side by side with her husband, she hadn't wanted to commit to anything beyond getting in their car and driving away… That was it. Everything after would remain a mystery. She'd feel her way through, slip back when her life had some balance again… And oddly enough, today was that day.
Dr. Wyatt rested her chin in her hand. She didn't seem annoyed or particularly concerned about her patient's sudden reappearance. But she was definitely curious about the timing.
"You didn't think I'd come home?" Meredith gave her a faint, knowing smile.
She was perched on the edge of the couch, her converse planted firmly on the floor. She had a lot to do in the next few hours, paperwork, catching up on old cases, meeting a new trauma nurse they'd recently hired… She couldn't stay long.
"Well I imagined you'd be gone through this week at least…" Dr. Wyatt confessed. "I thought you might want to be with your family."
"I am…" Meredith bobbed her head. "I am with my family."
Derek was back at work. Zola was down in daycare. And she'd already checked in with Christina and Alex… Yes, she still lived in that quiet house on the edge of Seattle… but this hospital, it was still a huge part of her world. It was also the place where she could do the most good.
At least that's what she'd told herself when her alarm had gone off.
"I mean I'll admit, when I saw my calendar this morning…" she hesitated. "It was there, it was right there in my own handwriting. And part of me wanted to go back to sleep."
"But instead you came here."
"I did…" Meredith said softly. "It's just another day again… Just like it was six years ago."
"Is that really true?"
"It has to be."
"Why?"
Meredith shrugged, searching for a reason that would make sense to both of them.
"Because it just… it has to be…" She looked up at her therapist. "At some point I'm gonna need to move on, right?"
"Maybe…" Dr. Wyatt wasn't ready to give a concrete response on that one. "But do you really want to pretend that this day doesn't matter to you?"
No, of course not.
That answer was already drifting around in her brain, just waiting for someone to tug it into her consciousness.
And here came the disappointment… It had nothing to do with her doctor or the session they were currently having. No, Meredith was disappointed in herself. A few minutes into this and she was already falling back into old habits, glossing over things that were so important to her. Like this day…
Lexie's Birthday.
That's what she'd seen written there in her handwriting. Her alarm had gone off and she'd peeked over the edge of her covers, spotted the planner on her nightstand…
Lexie's Birthday
She'd scrawled that across the date automatically. It was a ritual Meredith had begun long, long ago, before the advent of iPhones and their flashy, dinging reminders. Each January, when she picked up a new planner, she'd record everyone's birthdays in the appropriate spot. Her friends… her family members… That way she'd at least remember to say something to them, maybe even grab a cake between surgeries.
Well there wouldn't be any cakes today… But still, Meredith couldn't bear to cross the name out.
"It matters," she murmured. "Lexie's birthday… it's always gonna matter."
"And what would you guys have been doing today?"
Meredith folded her hands together, ignoring her immediate urge to recoil. That question had been gnawing at her all morning, and maybe that's why Dr. Wyatt had asked it. Might as well get everything out in the open…Meredith knew from experience that the longer she dwelled, the easier it was to fall into a hole again.
"Well, we would have been here." She took a breath. "Lexie and Derek, they probably would have been doing some new procedure. If he could have, he would've scheduled something really great."
"Would you have celebrated at home?"
"Yeah, I guess so…" she trailed off. "Lexie was one of those girls, the kind who loved holidays and big celebrations. She'd planned a couple for me, so I think… I mean, I would have tried to do one for her. I just didn't get the chance."
Dr. Wyatt gave Meredith a sympathetic nod. This day was just another painful reminder of what was missing. There had been a thousand of them already and there would be a thousand more in the coming hours, months... years. Meredith would just have to learn to live with that.
"So this leave you took…" Her therapist changed the subject easily. They were turning the corner, moving away from the parties and celebrations that could have been. "Was it a vacation? Just a chance to get out of the city?"
"I didn't run…." Meredith arched an eyebrow. "If that's where you're going with this."
"I'd be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind."
"Well I didn't," she repeated. Meredith was proud of her answer and refused to let there be any doubt. "We decided to take a vacation… as a family."
"As a family?"
"Yeah, just the three of us. Derek, Zola and me."
"And how was it?"
"It was… nice."
Meredith reconsidered her words, then figured that this assessment was indeed correct. She wasn't pretending, wasn't trying to be happy to fool Dr. Wyatt.
"Derek was right, we needed to get away."
"Did you go camping? I know that was something you were starting to talk about."
"We just went out for the day…" Meredith explained.
Once she'd actually opened up to Derek, once she'd dared to face the accident head on, things had shifted. He'd found a window into her thought process, through jagged emotions and memories, and that had made it far easier to compromise. So instead of packing tents and sleeping bags, they'd simply packed a picnic lunch.
"I wasn't... I'm still not ready to sleep out there."
"That's totally understandable."
"The darkness and the cold…" Meredith faltered, reluctant to let her mind wander back. "Maybe next year…"
That's what they'd agreed upon, another compromise they'd made as they slowly rebuilt their battered relationship.
Maybe next year…
"That's a real sign of progress," Dr. Wyatt asserted. "Just being open to it, even being out there in the first place. I hope you can grasp what a big step that is."
"It wasn't that bad," Meredith had actually found herself enjoying the forest again… just a little. It had been warmer than Idaho. And far more peaceful.
"We did go to this overlook that Lexie used to like, one we visited on our last camping trip."
"When you were all together?"
"Yeah," Meredith allowed herself a tiny smile. "I thought it'd be hard, seeing that place, but really it was… nice."
There was that word again… surprisingly appropriate.
She'd pointed out the various birds to her daughter, listened to Zola gasp as a deer crossed the meadow below. And then Derek had put his arm around both of them and for just a brief moment she'd experienced pure joy, the kind that could sneak up on you, steal your breath away.
Don't ever forget this... She could feel her smile growing.
"Everything was sort of perfect, which might sound weird…"
"It doesn't," Dr. Wyatt stopped her, leveled her gaze at Meredith. "You're allowed to make good memories with your family. Even out there… even in the forest."
"And I get that, I do…" Meredith let out a sigh. If nothing else, these last few months had taught her that her life couldn't just stop. It wouldn't be fair to the people she loved, the ones who had stuck by her.
"Still… it's just hard sometimes, to convince myself. It's like… like I'm betraying her or something."
"But don't you think your sister would want you to be happy?" Dr. Wyatt countered. "Wouldn't she want your daughter, her niece, to enjoy something she once enjoyed too?"
"Well… yeah."
That much was obvious. Meredith had a perfect recollection of that evening with Lexie, when they'd discussed the possibility that Meredith might one day have a baby. Her sister had been so certain... so incredibly excited about the idea. She would have been thrilled to introduce the now toddler-aged child to the forest. Lexie's wide-eyed enthusiasm would have been a perfect match for Zola's curiosity.
"My daughter…" Meredith started again, fighting off a fresh wave of sadness. "She climbed up on this boulder while we were out there, this big, flat one… Lexie would remember it. And she laid across it, just like my sister would have done… and she looked up at the sky."
But Lexie hadn't been looking… Meredith reminded herself. She'd been thinking… Thinking about all those little things, the ones to be grateful for.
"And Derek... Derek left some flowers..." She paused as she struggled to put it all into words. "As sort of, I don't know... I guess as a way to remember her."
"We all have our way of dealing with things," Dr. Wyatt said quietly. "A way of honoring people."
And that really was the best description of what she had witnessed, Meredith realized. Derek hadn't given her any warning or asked her what she thought of the gesture. No, his actions had come straight from his own mind and heart. And it had been tough… really, really tough to watch. Her face had grown warm and a mess of tears had spilled down her cheeks. Seeing her husband kneel in front of that rock… He'd placed the flowers right at its mossy base, closed his eyes, maybe even said a prayer, she wasn't sure. And then Zola had toddled over and grabbed his hand, encircling two of his fingers in her tiny fist.
"I was glad he did it," Meredith said sincerely. She knew without a doubt that Lexie would have loved it, loved that he'd remembered this special spot, loved that Zola was there with them, loved that her family had found their way back again…
"The flowers, all that," Meredith swallowed. "It's not my kind of thing, but Lexie… she would've really appreciated it."
"And the rest of the trip?" Dr. Wyatt pushed forward gently.
"What do you mean?"
"Well you were gone for quite awhile…" she clarified. "I assume you left town?"
"Oh yeah…" Meredith relaxed a little, falling farther into the couch. "We went to visit his mom."
"Derek's mom?"
"Yes."
Dr. Wyatt was still steering the conversation, trying to cover her bases. But for once, Meredith was okay just following along, replying to each question as it came. She no longer anticipated the worst. The awful surprises, the sharp pointy memories that would slice through her heart… She'd dealt with all that. Now it was just a dull ache again… one that might eventually recede a little…
"Zola hadn't seen her grandmother in months," Meredith went on. She was glad to let other, happier memories take center stage. "So we figured we'd just go, pack up the car and drive…"
"And how was that?"
Meredith was about to say nice again… but she managed to bite her tongue. No, she needed another adjective, one that was just as fitting.
"It was good…" she said finally. Yes, that was both simple and accurate. "She took care of us... and that was good."
In reality, Meredith had taken the trip for her husband. She had let him dictate every aspect of their journey, content in the knowledge that then at least one of them would be happy. But somewhere along the near-empty roadways, she'd fallen in love with… well, everything really. Zola's soft snoring in the backseat. The loving glances Derek would shoot her way… The quick stops for snacks… the longer stops to catch a few sights here and there.
Since Lexie's death, her life had revolved around the hospital and surgeries and recovery and sadness. But once she'd left Seattle, she'd just been Meredith again… not Meredith, the doctor surrounded by tragedy, or Meredith, the girl whose sister had died.
Each time she'd stepped out of the car, she'd met strangers, some nice, some not so nice. But every single one of them had been blissfully unaware of her terrible story. And Derek's mom, she'd certainly mentioned Lexie, mentioned how much she'd liked the young doctor, how sorry she'd been to hear of her passing. But Meredith hadn't encountered the pity stare. Instead, she'd been able to settle in, her days consisting of lazy hours at the house, homemade dinners, watching Zola play with her grandmother. It had been... normal.
"So you and Derek…" Dr. Wyatt pressed on. "It's been better?"
"Yeah," Meredith couldn't hide her relief. "It feels like we're getting closer again."
The bitterness and anger had definitely faded and it had dawned on her that night, when she'd cried on his shoulder, just how much she had missed him. Everything was easier with Derek nearby. He brought perspective, empathy… and thankfully unconditional love… though she knew that she'd pushed that notion a bit.
"I mean, I remember telling you he didn't get it, but I think maybe…" Meredith paused, marveling at how clueless she'd been. "Maybe I was the one who didn't get it."
"What makes you say that?"
"I just, I blamed him for something and I didn't even see it. And in the end, it turned out to be me. I should have been blaming myself all along."
"Why do you have to blame anyone?"
"Well maybe I don't," Meredith could see what her doctor was saying. "But it does seem like... it seems like if I was there in that forest, then I should have been with her. And I don't know how to not think that."
"Then blame shock, which you were probably in," Dr. Wyatt offered. "Blame the engine, blame the plane. Blame a whole host of circumstances you couldn't have controlled."
Meredith nodded again. She'd try. All she could do was try.
"But recognize one thing, this one thing I'm going to tell you right now." The woman sat forward, her voice low, her words deliberate. "In the end, it really was just a horrible accident."
A horrible, horrible accident…
Her therapist regarded her, searching for something in Meredith's expression.
"Do you believe that yet?" she asked. "That none of this was your fault, that you did everything you could?"
"I'm starting to…"
Meredith glanced down.
She thought about Derek and Lexie, about Arizona and Christina and Mark. Fate had tossed them out of their seemingly wonderful lives, carried them into some ugly dimension, one where the colors were muted and even the smallest hints of joy were eventually buried by guilt and sadness. Lexie had slipped away… left this world and that forest far behind her. But the rest of them were still picking through the brush, searching for a path that might eventually lead them home. If Meredith moved a bit slower than the others, then that was okay.
"I still miss her though…"
That part, she knew, would never really change. There would always be a little piece of her that was empty… missing. And maybe that was okay too, because honestly, how else was she supposed to feel?
"I just… I miss her."
Well everyone… I decided to take a bit of a break after the last chapter. I think it actually worked out since there is a clear time jump between chapters forty-eight and forty-nine. Plus, I figured everyone might need to recover from some of the stuff that happened on the show towards the end of this season. The only consolation I can give you here is that Derek and Meredith are finally in a good place in this story. You may not see him for a few chapters, but he's still here. I promise!
Anyway, hope you enjoyed a little time back with Dr. Wyatt. It felt right to come back to her, almost like revisiting the beginning of the story, which fits since it's actually sort of the beginning of an extended epilogue. There are still quite a few chapters ahead, but this final section is all about the characters finding some balance again. Meredith has confronted her own guilt over what happened to her sister and now she has to find a way to move forward. Sure, she's had some time off, but now she's back at the hospital, back to having to deal with this messy life she left behind.
Alright, well hopefully you guys are still here! Honestly, I considered letting the last chapter be the ending. It was one of my favorites. But I still have a few smaller stories lines in motion and I didn't want to leave if people were still reading. So if you're still enjoying the story, let me know. If you're new and just found it, let me know that too. I love reading questions or comments in the reviews! So please hit that little button below.
