A/N: LOL I love you guys. Some of you think Livvy had a point somewhere in there, some of you think she's off her rocker, some of you think she's a bitch, some of you are worried she'll do another stupid thing to add to her list, some of you are tired of/irritated by the drama…it's quite interesting to hear what you all have to say. It's so varied. I love it when people get into the drama and give their two cents on what's going on.

But my own two cents…I agree that Livvy is the least likeable character I've ever really fleshed out. And it totally wasn't supposed to go that way, when I unwittingly starting writing this tale back in…what was it, May? But there you go – there's another real-life example of how stories take on a mind of their own and things just happen.

Cheers, you lot. Good luck in there.

--

March 17

Morning Status:

I woke up this Monday morning shaking. I thought it was because I was cold, but something inside me told me it wasn't. I also found wetness in the corner of my eye, seeping into my pillow. I'd been crying last night and I didn't even know it.

I trudged out of bed like I'd slept a hundred years. I already knew today couldn't be a good day.

10:20 AM
Status: Gloomy

Well, Day One of being without Livvy has already begun and is off to as depressing a start as I could hope for.

It's second period and Livvy has not looked at me once. Alice said she changed without a word in the dormitory this morning and left for breakfast. She sat with Lissie Elmhurst and her friends on the other side of the breakfast table. She's not particularly friendly with Lissie, but she's nice to everyone and taking on a kindred spirit is her sole aim in life. Lissie was happy to adopt Livvy and Livvy was happy to be adopted. It was perfect. And so it was.

First period, I knew I'd have to face her and I'll admit I was curious to see how she would react to being in such close proximity to us after yesterday evening.

But, as it turned out, Livvy was playing an ignoring game. My seat is the nearest to the door and she breezed by me like I wasn't even there, like I was part of that wall instead of a living, breathing girl who, until very recently, was one of her best friends.

It's not only me. She's doing this to Alice too. It's like she's died. No matter how irrational she is or how much she hurt me, I hate that I woke up yesterday morning with Livvy as my close friend and today, she isn't. I hate that she won't talk to me. I hate that we are so bitter and I hate that we might never speak to each other again.

If this is how it's going to be for the remainder of the year – and the remainder of our lives – I'm not sure how to react.

11:00 AM
Status: Hollow

Alice…is it wrong that I miss Livvy? –L

Yes. She's off her rocker and missing her will do you no good. –A

But she was our friend. That has to count for something. –L

Abusive men were also boyfriends to some women. Does that count for something? –A

Yes. Because if you let go of the pain…you have to let go of the good stuff too. I told Livvy everything. She told me everything. I was the first – and I think only – person she told when she first had sex with Russell. How can I let that go lightly? –L

Because regardless of the good, the bad was what drove you apart and made you feel like rubbish. So for your own health and sanity, you need to let it go – all of it – because Livvy was not the only person that loved you. –A

It's horrible that she's in the same room as me, so close to me, and hating me. No matter what it means for my health, I can't stop feeling miserable, even if it's not my fault. –L

You think I'm not shaken up by this? You think I'm not upset about how it ended? Because I am, Lily. But I also believe in that one saying: If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, then they love you too. –A

That's such a clichéd platitude, Alice. –L

Clichés were founded in truth, love. So was that one. –A

You are such a romantic. –L

Maybe. But I'm also telling you to let go instead of wallow and look at Livvy's baby pictures while crying yourself to sleep. So please do us both a favor and let her go. She has her own demons to deal with before she's allowed to function in higher society. I'm not even kidding – I think she needs therapeutic help. –A

How can you take this so…lightly? –L

Feeling bad about things that only she can fix is not in my nature, Lils. My sense of self-preservation is a little acuter than yours. I'll stop when I know I'm going to get hurt. You'll go on getting hurt until you can't take it anymore and you have to explode. So take it from me. Stop worrying. If we're destined to be best friends, she'll find her way back. –A

Okay… -L

Get that mopey look off your face and take some notes. I can see your hand itching to. –A

I love you, Alice. –L

And I love you too. Muchly. –A

Is that a word? –L

Well, it should be. –A

Remind me to hug you after class. –L

Done. –A

4:30 PM
Status: Excited

Apparently, miracles do exist in this screwed-up world we live in.

Waking up today, I seriously and honestly thought today would be a horrible day with absolutely nothing to save me from my social life. I thought it would be listless, another mundane, meaningless day in a string of them, set as a backdrop to my emotional state.

But I was wrong.

And I've never been happier about that statement.

See, today, after school, Kate Patterson – the Hufflepuff prefect – came running breathlessly at me as I was about to walk into the Gryffindor common room. She shouted my name from down the corridor just as I was about to give the password to the portrait. Luckily, though, I heard her and waited until she had sprinted up to me, completely out of breath and breathing erratically. She needed a minute in order to regain her breath.

Then she said, "We appealed today during lunch, you know, for the dance. Me, Annie, Will, Mavis, Jonathon and Trey. Couldn't find Michael and Abigail. McGonagall has just called an emergency meeting – need you and James there."

"You appealed today! Yes, yes, I remember!" I exclaimed, although I hadn't. "Right. Okay. Well…have you gotten James yet?"

"Not yet," she said.

"I'll get him," I promised. "Tell McGonagall we'll see her in five minutes."

"Brilliant – thanks, Lily," said Kate with an enormous grin. "See you."

"See you," I said back, almost as breathless as she.

We were appealing for a Hogwarts dance! McGonagall wanted to listen! How exciting.

Finding James turned out to be an easy task. I found him in his dormitory, giving Napoleon a bath and grooming him with Remus, Sirius, and Peter. I told him about the emergency meeting and he jumped up to join me. Then, together, the two of us sprinted hand-in-hand to McGonagall's office, where all the prefects were already assembled. We burst into the room with our hair all over our faces, our lungs ready to tear, our muscles aching and our hands still interlocked. Quite a sight, I'm sure. The prefects and McGonagall were rather amused to see us.

"Glad you could make it, Mr. Potter and Ms. Evans," she said crisply, silently taking in our sorry states. "Take a seat, please."

Blushing, we sat down next to each other and tried to look as attentive and mature as we could as McGonagall began to speak.

"So…you ten have decided that you want a full-scale school dance on the last day of this year," she said. "And you think it's a good way to get everyone together before the year ends."

"We believe it's an optimal opportunity for inter-House communication, yes," Annie Potent clarified with a vigorous nod.

"Well…I've talked it over with the Headmaster, as well as with the rest of the staff, and we are concerned on several points," McGonagall informed us.

"I thought we covered everything in the presentation," Kate said, trembling slightly.

"Do tell us what those points are, Professor," said Annie, pulling out parchment, a quill and ink, already poised to take notes.

"Firstly, there is the issue of cost," said McGonagall as Annie immediately began to write. "This dance – as you are projecting it – will cost a pretty penny and the school, unfortunately, doesn't have the means to fund it. How do you intend to pay?"

"We're having the entire school donate in a collection tin we'll place in the Entrance Hall," Michael Fink piped up. He's particularly proud of this idea, since he came up with it. "We'll have a goal posted up and we know there's a lot of interest. They'll give us the money and we'll pay. Done."

"Another issue," continued McGonagall, "is the mess. We will have decorations and food and goodness knows what else in our Great Hall. We teachers cannot – that is to say, will not – clean it up. Are you aware of what you need to do to make it work?"

"We'll do everything," Will promised. "We'll oversee deliveries, we'll put everything up, we'll clean everything afterwards, and send it back. We'll take care of everything. We're aware."

"It's also very late in the year to be doing things like this," said McGonagall. "It's a lot of work and you already have responsibilities on your shoulders. Are you sure you want to take on this extra level of responsibility? Knowing, as you do, that your exams are fast approaching?"

"It's going to be a group deal, Professor – we're going to help each other out and no one will sacrifice studying time for party-planning," said James. "We know what we're getting into."

"Perhaps you do – but the rest of the school might not," pointed out McGonagall. "They will look at it as a happy distraction from hard work; and as teachers, we don't want everyone failing these important exams because there's a dance so soon afterwards."

"Forgive me for saying this, Professor, but people will find a way to slack off even without this dance," I said, thinking of myself on warm sunny days when reading spellbooks is the very last thing I want to do. "Distraction will be high regardless of this plan – and for those who are serious about their work, it will be a lovely reward for their sacrifices."

McGonagall looked at us long and hard, seeming very conflicted. She locked eyes with each individual in the room, silent and intimidating, but we held our ground. We wanted this and she had better know that. Even sullen Michael Fink was sticking heavily to the cause.

Finally, after several long, itchy seconds stretched for an eternity, McGonagall sighs. "I shall conference with the rest of the staff and let your Heads know," she said. "But remember – you are completely on your own. We are not involved in any way."

"Thank you, Professor," said James with a wide grin.

We all voiced our gratitude and McGonagall dismissed us. We went out in clusters of two and three, whispering like children at the very real prospect of having this dance. Annie was talking about some student-wide petition if McGonagall says no, but I don't think she will. I think deep down, she really wants us to have our fun.

I'm thoroughly excited about this whole thing, personally. Must tell Alice when I see her. Actually, I'll tell her now – I have to do my homework anyway, with her at our usual common room table, and she'll be excited with me.

We're going to have a dance! We'll be legends at Hogwarts for this.

Or, at least, we should be.

2:30 PM
Status: Bored

Aliiiiiice…I need a nap. –L

I know. You look exhausted. –A

Do I? –L

Yeah. …But hey, I have a question I've been meaning to ask you since, like, yesterday. –A

What is it? –L

When you were arguing with Livvy, and she was hammering you about dating James, you screamed at her that you bloody fucking loved him. And I'm wondering…was that in the heat of the moment, or did you really mean it? –A

(Remarks added after the fact: When I got this note, I had to sit and think on it for a bit. First, the bitterness that comes up from even thinking about that argument loitered in my throat like a lock filled with blowing gum. Then I had to refocus my energies on that moment, what my motivations were, and try to decipher them.

It took me two minutes, but I scribbled an answer and sent it back to her.)

Both. In the heat of the moment, when it all really mattered, I knew I loved him. It felt right to say I did. So…that has to be love. Or something very close to it. –L

I am so proud of you. We're going out for ice cream next Hogsmeade visit. –A

11:00 PM
Status: Warmed

There are some days that really suck. Days where it feels like the world is against you and everyone hates you and every stupid bloody thing is piled on top of you and you wonder why you're still here, taking it all. Days where just running away and living in a cave with rodents the size of tea-cups doesn't sound half bad.

But then there are other days that don't suck. Days where you feel something like a princess, warm and wonderful because there's someone you can go to that will hold you, hug you, love you. Days where you feel like smiling until your cheek muscles hurt. Days you want to bottle up and sink into on one of the aforementioned suckish days.

So…let me explain my patrol tonight and I'll conclude what kind of day this one has been.

Well, tonight I wandered around the sixth and seventh floors as usual, with James at my side. Things aren't awkward between us anymore, after our date, and if this were any other day, we would have walked comfortably together, holding hands intermittently and talking.

But I wasn't in the mood to talk. The excitement from the dance appeal wore off pretty fast, leaving me back in my listless state, thinking about Livvy and hating that I couldn't follow Alice's simple (and wise) advice to just let it go. These thoughts rendered me quite unsociable and undoubtedly, James – who was not plagued by the same guilt and sadness I was – noticed.

"Hey, Lils, you all right?" he asked, gently, concernedly. "You're kind of…down."

"Yeah, I kind of am," I admitted.

"You want to…I dunno, maybe talk about it?" This time, his tone was kind of mocking, playful. But his eyes betrayed the initial softness. Somehow, that strengthened me.

"Just…girl rubbish," I said heavily, sighing. "I'm having friend issues."

"Who with? I'll kill her," James piped up.

"Livvy," I said, almost challengingly.

Immediately, his mood sobered along with mine.

"I see," he said very evenly.

"She 'broke up' with me and Alice yesterday," I said, my tone a little forced, as Livvy was the first and last thing I wanted to discuss. "It's the only way I can think to describe it. Like…in the morning we were friends, and by the evening, we weren't."

"What happened?"

"We fought," I said. Bizarrely, tears were starting to roll, but I worked hard to hold them back and hold my tone steady. "I came back from my date with you and I wanted to tell them about it…and then Livvy combusted. We said lots of things, cried a lot, screamed, and after a while she left. She was gone. And I…I dunno." Here, my voice kind of broke, although no tears came. "It's kind of upsetting."

At first, James didn't say anything. We stopped walking and he looked at me, as I tried feverishly to stop crying. Merlin, what was wrong with me? Why was I crying? More importantly, why was I crying now? I was with someone I trusted. I was with someone I loved. But…I was crying. And I was supposed to let this stupid drama go. Why…?

It was with great difficulty, but I let my wet eyeballs bore into his and suddenly, the horror of the affair – the things that barely penetrated my understanding since the actual events – caught up with me and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Ex-boyfriends are one thing," I whispered, "but best friends are another. She really hurt me."

Wordlessly, James gathered me up and gave me a tight hug. Gratefully, I let my head rest on his chest and allowed my tears to dribble out of my eyelids, allowing myself the tiny bit of pathetic-ness necessary after significant misery. He was great about it, stroking my hair and standing there, patient as the Earth. I lost track of the seconds I remained in that small, warm, cozy place between his arms and his chest, the smell of his neck in my nose and his heat against my body.

"Hey, hey, you're okay," he told me after a while, taking me out of my little cocoon and brushing my irritatingly frizzy hair out of the patches of wetness on my cheeks. "Lils…I'm sorry, but I can think of a thousand worse things for you to cry about."

"What are you talking about?" I asked with an enormous, extremely disgusting sniffle. "Livvy is – was – one of my best friends in the world."

"Yeah, but I mean, if some overly-sentimental girl makes you cry over something like this, then she's clearly not worth it," he said logically. "I mean, she's likely still mad at me for the whole Russell thing, and she's taking it out on you, which isn't fair because you stood by her despite the fact that she was wrong. And you guys are close, so I'm pretty sure she'll come belly-crawling back in no time at all, so why waste your energy getting upset?"

Despite myself, I giggled.

"You'd be surprised how many times a day you remind me of Alice," I said. "She's been telling me the exact same things all day."

"Then she's clearly on to something," said James, grinning. "There's no point in being upset. Livvy was out of line and without even knowing what you fought about, I can conclude she must have been completely illogical."

"Well, you are kind of biased," I said slyly, giving his chest a little poke as I let him cuddle me and walk us both to the next corridor.

"No, of course not!" he said, shocked. But, when I gave him a look, he mock-considered the point and sighed.

"Okay, maybe a little," he allowed, "but what can I do? You're usually right."

"You're silly," I said, smirking at him and (loudly) sniffling away the last of my tears. "But…I mean…if you really want to know, what really got her blood boiling was the fact that after you ruined her life, I was ready to pursue a relationship with you."

James snorted. "Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously," I said. "She was upset because she interpreted it as irreverence to how she was feeling."

"See? I told you she'd be wrong," he said. "Pursuing a relationship with me had nothing to do with her. And it shouldn't. How you feel about me and how I feel about you should not depend upon Olivia's approval."

"It kind of does and I could see why she was hurt," I said reasonably.

"Maybe my decisions regarding her will indirectly affect you," he said, "but I wasn't putting pressure on them to be mean. I was putting pressure on them because I had to. I was as horrified as you when Olivia broke it off with Russell. But like I said, that isn't our fault."

"I still feel like it could be," I admitted.

James shook his head. "No," he said. "It isn't. Because Olivia is sentimental to the point of oblivion, and utterly incapable—"

"Stop that!" I suddenly requested. "Stop…ripping on her like that! Livvy is…quiet. She's not very social. She has a hard time figuring out what to say and how to say it. She's fragile and it's easy to hurt her. She works hard and she's always been quirky, kind of a perfectionist. She's always been the mature one out of us three, keeping me and Alice on task and taking a rational side on things. But this year…she's been stressed out of her mind, she fell in love, and now everything's fallen apart. She's got nothing. She hurt me, but she's hurt herself, and I hate that you keep stridently going forth with your criticisms of her, when she's the lowest she's ever been."

"I'm sorry, Lils, but Olivia is not a child anymore," said James with a heavy sigh. "She's almost an adult. I know it sounds harsh, but she needs to learn how to deal if she wants to get anywhere – lashing out is clearly doing her more harm than good. I understand that circumstances aren't always good…but how you handle that reality exposes you at your fundamentals and Olivia, sadly, is not who you thought she was. If she's not in the clear, I have to say so."

I opened my mouth to counter, but James interrupted me. "I know how you are, Lils," he said. "You're going to contradict me and stew on this forever, even though your friends are telling you to let it go. And I can respect that to a certain degree. But don't let this dilemma screw with you and me. Livvy could have blamed a slice of bread for her troubles and you wouldn't eat sandwiches for a month. Don't treat me like exiled bread."

I bit my lip. "Of course I won't."

His eyes were more earnest than I had ever seen them – fragile and sweet, like blooms that had just come out this morning. "I hope so."

I reached my hand out and lightly touched his face, running my fingers through his perpetually messy hair. "You know," I said softly, "yesterday, in the midst of our argument, Livvy was railing against me for taking your side because I loved you, and I shouted at her that yes, I did love you. And…I meant what I said. You know, because I do…love you. A lot."

For once, I didn't let my gaze falter, even when he softened in that frighteningly lovely way he had.

"I trust you," I managed to say with relative firmness. "I'm happy when I'm around you. And I loved it when we went out. Regardless of my feelings for the Livvy situation, I know that how I feel about you won't change. I…want to be with you too."

He was quiet for some time, seeming struck dead, and I honestly was not sure where this was going to go from there.

"Hey, Lils?" he asked, his voice just a little more than a murmur.

"Yeah?" I found myself shyly anticipating his next words with something pleasant and golden bubbling away in my tummy.

"I love you too," he said with a kiss on my cheek.

I blushed and let my head rest on his shoulder. I didn't have to say any more than that – whatever I felt just translated from him to me without any extraneous words attached. He held me closer and we walked around like a conjoined couple attached at the hip for the remainder of the patrol, talking little but saying volumes all the same.

It was hard to part with him and come back here to my dormitory, where I am presently sitting. I'm still thinking about him, how we are, how I want to be, how my feelings have shifted so dramatically over the past few months. Awkwardness has been an underlying factor in everything we've ever done, I know; but somehow, I feel braver than I ever have, telling him I love him and meaning it without obsessively questioning what it means.

It's a free-fall kind of scariness – the initial rush takes your breath away, and you swear you're fried and you'll never be the same again, but soon you get used to it, and you feel like it's all somehow going to be okay anyway.

When I started this entry, I said that there were two kinds of days – the days that suck and make you want to crawl into a hole and the days that make you feel snug and adored.

Well…now I've concluded that there are other types of days too: days that are hopeful, with storms that are only just beginning to clear; days that aren't rainy or sunny but shielded by a cloud cover, in which the sun promises to be out soon and you feel the toxins filtering out of your being, recuperating.

There are people who love me, but there are also people who don't love me enough to understand me. I have smiled today and I have cried. It's a mix of both – because very rarely are days ever purely suckish or wonderful – and perhaps naively, I think the good is going to win out. The sun will come out soon. I'm going to be okay.

Today was only the first in which Livvy has ignored me. And I know how I feel about that will not fade tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. But I do know that I can choose to make it tolerable from here on out.

I think I want to pop in and say good-night to Alice before I go to bed. Knowing her, she's still wide awake and I just want to tell her I love her before I knock out for the night.

So…until later. Hopefully, I'll have nicer, happier news when I return.

--

A/N: I kind of lost it at the end there, but I was so beyond tired of this chapter. It felt like it needed to be purged. So I patched it up the best I could and hoped you'd like it. It featured some fluff, as well as some angsting, so I can see it as a decent, balanced chapter.

Next chapter is short and sweet. The chapter after is longer and sweeter. The chapter after that is fun and sweet. Then we have a quick break in the action before I devastate my little cast of characters again. So…be excited. I'm still working out the kinks past the devastation, but it should even out okay. I hope. Maybe?

Ah, well. If I'm nervous, I'll run to my epic friend Niki and she'll lend me some of her rationality. I totally wish I had some of it. Maybe I should steal some when she isn't looking…

Be sure to review on the way out of the browser, guys. Cheers!