A/N: Thank you to my beta, Suilven, and to everyone who read, reviewed and faved this story. You're the best! I hope you all have a great new year!


Chapter 49 - Grief

"Thank you." Kaidan practically ran away from the podium as Anderson rushed over to continue with the ceremony as if it was all going according to plan and the sentinel's speech hadn't just met an abrupt end.

How did people move on from losing a loved one? For Kaidan, right now, that seemed impossible. He would be lying if he said that everything reminded him of her, because how could he be reminded of something that had never left his mind in the first place? Whatever he did, wherever he went, all he could think of was that she was not there with him. She was gone and that was fucking unfair.

He hadn't just lost her that day over Alchera. He was still losing her, every single day. The pain he had felt as he had heard her expire was there every night as he went to bed alone, and every morning as he woke up without her. Every breath he took he wished he could give it to her instead.


Shepard's death had hit her crew pretty hard. Jarrell could tell by how lost the turian looked, the weeping asari, and the ragged helmsman. He had no doubt, though, that her lieutenant was taking it harder than anyone else.

As he saw the distress that was etched on Kaidan's face when walking away from the podium, the N7 pondered if he should try talking to him. He exchanged a glance with Riley, who understood his intentions and nodded in encouragement.

"Alenko," Jarrell called, stopping the lieutenant before he could leave the premises. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Our loss," Kaidan said in a small voice, eyes downcast. "I'm sorry, too."

"Yeah. It's hard to believe she's gone. When I heard..."

June 9th - Rio

Jarrell was taking a shower at the house where he lived with Riley when she burst into the bathroom in full body armor. "Why won't you answer your tool?"

He raised one eyebrow at her. Wasn't it obvious? "Uh, I'm in the shower?"

Riley shook her head, unamused, and Jarell worried that there might be something wrong. He turned off the water and picked up his towel.

"What's going on, Ri? Weren't you supposed to be scaring some recruits for Major Nascimento today?"

"It's the Normandy."

"What about it?"

"They were attacked. The ship was destroyed."

"W-What? When? What about Shepard?"

"She..." Riley grimaced, as if she didn't want to finish that sentence, and Jarell knew it could only mean bad news. "She was KIA. I'm sorry, Jay."

Jarell inhaled a sharp breath, trying not to let that memory affect him, but he still felt a tightening in his chest and a lump forming in his throat. "If there's anything you need, if you want help cleaning the house in Rio..." he offered, his voice coming out a little on the rough side, and he put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder.

A look of both sadness and torment crossed the sentinel's eyes. He might not have thought of that yet, but the Alliance would soon pass Shepard's house at the Vila Militar to another officer and, if her belongings remained there, some random marine would be put in charge of boxing them up to send them to her next of kin. And, since she didn't have a next of kin, her things would either be donated to charity or end up in the nearest recycling bin. "I thought you might want to do that yourself, to make sure nothing gets broken or left behind. It's what most relatives do."

"Yeah. Sure," Kaidan said, still seeming a little disturbed by that thought. "Thank you. I'll do that."

Jarell went back to his seat by Riley's side thinking that, despite his good intentions, he might not have been of much help.


Anderson shot Kaidan a concerned glance. The lieutenant had arrived at the ceremony today looking much better than all other times the captain had seen him post the loss of his CO. But, now, Anderson realized it might all have been an act.

The captain hadn't told him yet, but Shepard had recommended Kaidan for a promotion to be granted as soon as their current tour of duty ended. With the destruction of the Normandy and the need to find new postings for the surviving crew, Anderson had pushed the request forward and the brass had already approved it. He had planned to give Alenko the good news and brief him on his next assignment today, but now he was thinking it might not be the best idea; the lieutenant sure could use a couple more weeks of rest and counseling before going off-world in charge of a team.

Shepard's death had caught everyone by surprise and Anderson himself was still struggling to accept it, so he didn't expect any less of someone as close to her as Alenko had been.

June 9th - Arcturus Space Station

"Sir, we've just received several distress calls from the SSV Normandy and its crew. They were attacked by an unknown enemy force."

Anderson immediately stood up, leaving his meal unfinished in the cafeteria as he headed back to his office. "Get me Commander Shepard on the comm."

"Sir, the ship was destroyed."

"Destroyed?" That seemed impossible. Best ship in the fleet, top N7 operative in charge, best helmsman in the Alliance, handpicked crew...

"Yes, sir."

"What about the crew? Did they make it out?"

"Some of them, yes, sir."

"Thank God," Anderson breathed out in relief. "Then get me Shepard."

"Sir, Lieutenant Alenko is in charge. Commander Shepard and Navigator Pressly were KIA."

Anderson hadn't believed the report at first. After all she had done, after defeating Saren and saving the galaxy, it didn't seem right that Shepard would have been killed during such a trivial geth hunting assignment. But the moment the captain had gotten in touch with Kaidan and had heard that empty, carefully emotionless tone to his voice, he had known it was true.


Barbra was about to go after Kaidan when she was surprised by Captain Anderson presenting her with a folded Systems Alliance flag in honor of Shepard's sacrifice.

"I… uh..." she hesitated, not knowing what to do or say. Since this ceremony wasn't exactly a funeral, she hadn't been expecting this. And, even if it were a funeral, she didn't think they would give her the flag.

"You should have this. You took her in, gave her a home. You're her family," Anderson said.

Retired Commander Rylan Alenko nodded solemnly while his wife accepted the flag. She tightened her fingers around it and closed her eyes, already filling with tears. "Thank you."

June 9th - Vancouver

"Alenko?"

"Captain Anderson, it's been a long time," Rylan said, and saluted the man on the screen of his terminal.

"Yes, it has. Is your wife there?"

Rylan tensed up at the captain's somber tone. A call from a high officer at an odd hour, asking for his wife to be present, too… this could only mean one thing. While in the service, he had made his share of calls like this one. "What happened to him? How? Tell me, Anderson. I deserve to know."

"Calm down, Alenko. There was an attack. We don't know all the details yet. The Normandy was destroyed, but your son is fine. I've talked to him; he's in charge of the survivors. We've just sent a team to retrieve them."

"Damn. Barbra!" Rylan called. "You need to come here. It's about –"

"Jane," she finished for him, coming over to sit by his side. She had been at the door from the moment she had heard Anderson's voice and the mention of the Normandy.

"I..." the captain took a deep breath, "I believe it is my duty to inform you. I didn't want you to learn this from the news."

"Oh, God. No." Barbra was on the verge of tears and her husband held her hand tightly in his.

"I'm sorry to inform you that Lieutenant Commander Jane Shepard has passed away in the fulfillment of her duties earlier today in the Amada System."

Rylan pulled Barbra into his arms, his own eyes stinging with the threat of tears as she sobbed into his chest. "Thank you, captain."

Anderson had been very kind with them that day, telling them everything he knew about the destruction of the Normandy and the rescue effort, and answering all their questions. No doubt he cared deeply about Shepard, too. It brought Barbra some comfort knowing that the girl who had once lost everyone she had known and loved, had touched the lives of so many and gained the respect and admiration of an entire galaxy.

She hoped Shepard had died knowing that she did have a family and that they would miss her dearly.


July 10th, 2183

Kaidan came home from his meeting with Anderson and grabbed a bottle of whisky before slumping on the couch. Despite having once criticized Shepard for buying it in bulk, he had been doing the same, always hoping that maybe it would be at the bottom of the next bottle that he would find some peace of mind.

He had tried to keep it together and be a model soldier at the ceremony in her memory, only to find out later that he couldn't. Not yet. Everything about her death made him feel guilty and angry at himself.

Being promoted to Lieutenant Commander made things even worse. A month ago, Kaidan had left his CO and fiancée behind to die. How could that have earned him a promotion? It didn't sit well with him.

He was not on the same level as Shepard, therefore not worthy of the same rank as her. Proof of that was that she had come back for him on Virmire, while he had left her to die on the Normandy. Whatever she had seen in him when she had chosen him as her successor — giving him command of her ship during the final assault against Saren, and telling Anderson the Normandy should be his if anything happened to her — she had been mistaken.

Why would she even think that he would want to captain her ship after her death? How cruel was that?

Oh, and he was rich now. Shepard had left him every damn thing she had. Between the apartment on Intai'sei, a life insurance policy that had him as the sole beneficiary, and a savings account with years worth of Alliance paychecks, he had become a fucking millionaire. He had left her to die and he kept being rewarded for it; it wasn't right.

He didn't want the apartment, the money, or the promotion; he wanted her. Alive.

The life insurance was what annoyed him the most. The date on the policy indicated Shepard had gotten it after her promise on New Year's Eve that they would be together once the first Normandy tour ended. She must have already figured out the mission wouldn't be just some simple shakedown run, which made this life insurance look like some sort of 'consolation prize' for him in case she didn't make it in the end.

Kaidan was not keeping that money. With the apartment on Intai'sei and her lifetime savings, he still didn't know what he was going to do, but the insurance money was going to be donated to the rebuilding effort on Eden Prime.

He had already contacted the people in charge and they were so grateful that they said they were going name a school after her.

The sentinel furrowed his brows. She might not like that.

April 18th

"So, what are you all going to do for shore leave?" Ash asked her fellow marines during one of their work out sessions on the Normandy.

"I'm not sure. I heard Ilyria is nice," Adams said.

Williams looked at Shepard, waiting to see if she was going to say anything. When she didn't, Williams asked, "You've ever gone back there, Skipper?"

"A couple of times. Official business only."

"How about we go for some well-deserved vacation this time?"

"Thanks, but… I'd rather not."

"Too many memories?"

"No, it's not that. I mean, it's that, too, I guess, but I feel weird there. Did you know they have a Jane Shepard spaceport? And, a Jane Shepard road. A Jane Shepard bridge. Jane Shepard elementary school. Jane Shepard square. It makes me uncomfortable. They couldn't at least wait for me to die before starting to name stuff after me?"

"Well, in their defense, Skipper, it doesn't look like you're going down any time soon. I mean, you're Commander Shepard. You, alone, stopped a full-scale pirate takeover on their city."

Shepard let out a resigned sigh. "I was not alone."

"We all need heroes."

Ashley had been right about that. Humanity needed its heroes and Shepard had been the best of them. The people on Eden Prime, Elysium, or anywhere else, had every right to name every damn thing they wanted after her. She deserved it, and it wasn't like she was going to complain about it anymore.

She wasn't going to do anything anymore. She was fucking dead.

His grief counselor would probably be delighted to find out that he had finally moved on to the anger stage of his painstaking, life-consuming grieving process.

His tool started ringing, reminding him of the life that kept going outside the walls of his apartment. Kaidan couldn't even pretend to care. He took a long swig from his bottle of whisky before answering it. And, what a fucking coincidence: it was the grief counselor Anderson had recommended to him and she wanted to confirm their next appointment.

Sure, he would attend. The fact that his promotion had come with a desk job, and not a ship and a team, was proof that the brass was thinking he was not fit to be in the field. Since he was an L2 biotic, it wouldn't take much more for that to evolve into a discharge from service due to mental instability.

He needed to pull himself together, but it just didn't seem feasible. There was so much anger in him right now. Everything about Shepard's death made him feel angry these days. For starters, he absolutely hated how their last day together had gone.

June 9th

He thought he was having a wet dream about her when he woke up to find her trailing kisses down his chest as she stroked him into hardness. She took him in her hot wet mouth and he groaned, all sleep instantly gone from him. His fingers threaded through her hair as he looked down, watching entranced at how her cheeks hollowed as she sucked him, her pouty lips stretched around his cock. Her small hand wrapped around the base of his erection, moving up and down in time with her mouth, her tongue swirling around him.

"Shepard…" He always warned her when he was about to come, whispering her name, tugging gently at her hair in half-hearted attempts to draw her up. Sometimes, she would come up and he would sink himself in the inviting heat between her legs. Sometimes, she would just ignore him and keep sucking and pumping him until he finished in her mouth.

This time she did not come up. Afterwards, she let him pull her up and kiss her, her lips still tasting like him. It took him a few moments to recover his breath and will his body to move, so he could pleasure her, too. But, she stopped him before he could even start. "Seven minutes until our shifts start, lieutenant. Guess you owe me one, and I expect you here at 1800 to arrange a settlement." She winked, her signature crooked smile on her face.

Yeah, he would be there, no doubt about that. "Aye aye, commander," he played along.

What he really wanted was to stay in bed with her, making her writhe underneath him, her teeth marking his skin as she muffled her cries and moans on his shoulder.

It was a damn shame that they couldn't. His sleeper pod hadn't been used once since they had returned to the ship after shore leave. By now, the whole crew knew about their fraternization, even if their engagement was still a secret. So, the least they could do was to not break any more regs. Starting their shift late just so they could stay in bed longer was out of question.

His consolation was that, at 1800, they would be together again and he would make it up to her.

If only he had known those would be the last moments they would have together, he never would have let her leave that room.

There was a lot more he would've done differently, to be honest. And, it might seem selfish, but he caught himself wishing he hadn't returned her name necklace.

May 28th

For their last week of leave, Shepard decided to go to Pinnacle Station. Kaidan was not surprised that she would consider the two of them taking up a bet in a high-stakes battle simulator at a top-secret Alliance facility a nice way for them to celebrate their engagement.

Hell, they hadn't been in a combat situation for almost a month now, and since they would be back in the field with the Normandy in a few days, maybe going to Pinnacle Station wasn't that bad of an idea after all.

Shepard and Kaidan had always fought well together. They were used to it. And, they cleared all the scenarios with ease. When Admiral Ahern raised the stakes, they did not back down, and Shepard got out of it with a new apartment. Of course they went straight to it after leaving the station. They wanted both to 'christen' it and to get some well-deserved rest in a real bed.

The place was much nicer than they expected, considering its remote location and Ahern's willingness to simply give it away in some stupid bet. After a quick inspection of all the rooms, they were undressing to jump in the shower together, when Shepard's name necklace fell out of Kaidan's pocket.

She picked it up before he could. "Still carrying it around, huh?"

"Always. I made a promise to keep it safe."

Smiling, she kissed him lovingly on the lips. "You know, I think I'm ready to have it back."

"Yeah?"

For a moment, she was lost in her own thoughts, tracing the letters of her name with her thumb. "Yeah. I can't marry you using a fake name. It wouldn't be right."

Kaidan grinned, feeling himself very lucky for getting to spend the rest of his life with her. Taking the necklace from her, he kissed her slow and sweet as he clasped it around her neck.


July 18th, 2183

"What do you think, man? Are you ready?"

"No. But it has to be done." Kaidan took a deep breath and got out of the car. Jarell had picked him up at the spaceport in Rio and now they were parked in front of Shepard's house at the Vila Militar.

The N7 nodded in agreement. "Are you sure you don't want any help?"

"I'm sure. Thank you."

"Give me a call if you need anything."

After Jarell left, Kaidan just stood there at the door for a long moment, trying to find the strength to go inside and do what needed to be done. In a week, this house would be given to another officer and it had to be cleared of Shepard's personal effects. The house where they were supposed to live once they got married. Where they would raise a family and live until they retired from the Alliance. Where he had asked her to be his wife and she had said yes.

They did not deserve to have their happy ending ripped away from them like that.

As he went inside, Kaidan took the datapad by the door with the house inventory. Any objects not on the list were Shepard's and had to be removed. He started with the kitchen. A french press and a mug turned out to be the only items in there that belonged to her. And the mug had the Alliance symbol on it. She had bought a fucking Alliance mug as if everything else in the house having an Alliance stamp on them hadn't been enough. Her loyalty and dedication to the service had known no limits.

There was nothing of hers in the living room. Jarell had left him a few boxes to pack her things, but it seemed a single one would suffice.

Kaidan went into the bathroom next. He figured the hardest part would be to clean out her bedroom, so he would leave that for last. Up to now, he was doing better than he had imagined. But then he committed his first mistake — he opened her half-used bottle of shampoo and smelled it. He knew he shouldn't have done it, but at the same time it was like he couldn't help it. He didn't want to heal, he didn't want to move on; he wanted to hurt and be angry and miserable.


July 21st, 2183

"Alenko! Are you in there? Open up."

There was no response, so Jarell nodded at Riley, who began hacking the door to get it open. In two minutes, they were inside Shepard's house.

"Alenko!" Jarell went looking for him, searching every room, until he found him in the bedroom.

The closet was open and empty. Shepard's meager belongings were in a box by Kaidan's feet. There was an empty bottle of whisky on the floor and a second one, still half full, in the sentinel's hand. Kaidan was passed out in front of Shepard's terminal and there was a picture of her as a kid on the screen.

Riley and Jarell grabbed him and put him under the shower, turning the cold water on.

"Fuck." Alenko shuddered at the cold, finally looking alert, but did not try to stand.

"What the hell are you doing, man? You were supposed to be back on duty today. At Arcturus. There's people looking for you. Where's your tool? Why are you -"

"I don't know."

"You don't know where your tool is?"

"I don't know what I'm doing."

"Shit." Riley pointed to the used syringes in the sink.

"What the fuck are these, Alenko? You're a damn Alliance commander."

"It's migraine medication. I'm an L2. I'm not doing anything wrong."

"How about the fact that you're here when you're supposed to be on duty?"

Kaidan got up and turned off the shower. "They gave me a desk job. They don't want some mentally unstable biotic in the field."

"If they thought that, they wouldn't have promoted you." Jarell tossed him a towel.

"Shepard got me that promotion. I did nothing to deserve it."

"If she got you that, it was because she believed you deserved it. Do you not trust her judgment?"

"I do. Of course I do. It's just -"

"You have to snap out of it, man. All this… wallowing in self-pity, getting drunk, failing to report for duty; she wouldn't like to see you like this."

"Well, she doesn't get to like or dislike anything anymore, does she?"

Jarell grabbed him by the collar and pushed him hard against the wall, knocking the breath out of his lungs. Kaidan did nothing to stop him. "Enough with this crap, Alenko, or I swear to God -"

"Hey." Riley put a hand on Jarell's shoulder, pulling him back. "Why don't you come with me to the kitchen? Let's make him some coffee." Before leaving, she turned to Kaidan. "Go put on some dry clothes, commander. We'll help you finish packing and then we'll drop you off at the spaceport."


"I didn't know she had anything left of Mindoir," Jarell said, staring at the picture of a twelve-year-old Shepard on the screen of her terminal.

"When I was serving there, she showed up one weekend and we went to her farm. She only brought three things with her from the house; she didn't want anything else. One of them was the OSD with these pictures. I've never seen them. She never showed me."

"I'm sure she would have, once she was ready."

"Yeah. I think so, too."

All her belongings were packed except for that OSD. Kaidan sat at the foot of her bed with Jarell and Riley, drinking the coffee they had brought him. He had changed into clean BDUs and was looking way more presentable now.

"There's a picture of her at church with her parents. Do you think she would've wanted to get married in a church?"

"I didn't know she was religious."

"She never talked about it and I never asked. I should've asked."

"You two were thinking about getting married?"

Kaidan nodded, eyes downcast and unfocused. "We were engaged. I proposed to her right there in the living room. She said yes."

"Fuck," Jarell and Riley both muttered under their breaths.

The sentinel retrieved a bottle of whisky from underneath the bed.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" Jarell asked.

"Yeah. These bottles were hers. This is the only one left and I'm taking it with me. I want to save it for... some other time." He put the bottle in the box along with the OSD and shut down the terminal. "Let's go. Let's get out of here."


At the spaceport, Kaidan shook hands with Riley and apologized for the way he had behaved earlier. He was going to shake hands with Jarell, too, but the man pulled him into a hug instead. "Thank you," Kaidan said, returning the gesture.

As he took his seat in the shuttle, he turned his tool back on, determined to face the consequences of his failure to report for duty and to never let this happen again. Jarell was right; Shepard believed in him. She wouldn't have chosen him as her successor otherwise. The Normandy might be gone and they might have given him a desk job, but he would perform it and fulfill his duties to the best of his abilities. He was not going to let them prove her wrong. He was going to be everything she believed he was. As long as they didn't kick him out of the service for his disappearance this weekend. Damn, he had really fucked up this time. That was not something an L2 could afford to do.