Thank you for being so patient in waiting for this chapter which starts in EPOV then shifts back to BPOV. Enjoy!
Chapter 43
Edward's POV
Emmett and Jasper followed me out the front door which I had thrown open behind me in a fit of temper, ignoring the sound of crumbling of plaster as I strode down the porch steps.
"Esme's gonna make you fix that, bro," Emmett stated, not quite hiding his smirk. Esme rarely was angry with me, but Emmett was continuously angering her with his thoughtlessness, so my brother was pretty darn smug that it was my turn to receive a full-blown chewing-out from our mother.
I sighed. Having Esme angry at me was really the last thing I needed right now...
Of course I had noted Jasper's words to Isabella before we left about the girls waiting upstairs for her. Good. Maybe Alice can explain what had happened between us in the forest. I really wanted to completely wipe the whole thing utterly from my mind; even now I was still so angry and disgusted with myself...
"So..." Jasper's voice was quiet yet demanding. I looked back over my shoulder toward the house; we were now well-hidden from prying eyes, even with vampire sight. We had walked far enough away from the house that the girls could not hear our conversation, and Jasper was ready to make me talk.
"Can't we just talk about something else...anything else?" I begged my brothers.
While Emmett looked bewildered, Jasper spun on his heel and confronted me, his nose a bare inch from mine as he lambasted me.
"Bella doesn't deserve your burying your head in the sand... again. She was hurt and confused back there when you two came into the house, and it's your responsibility to talk to her when we get back," Jasper growled, then continued in a quieter voice. "If you don't set things straight with her, you don't deserve her."
"I don't deserve her anyway," I muttered, backing away from Jasper's stare which was setting me on edge.
"So what the hell happened?" Emmett asked, watching the both of us in confusion.
"Edward's being an ass," Jasper stated succinctly.
"That's what I'm trying NOT to be," I retorted.
"Then explain it to Isabella. She'll understand."
"There is no way that I'm going to talk about something so...so..." my voice trailed off as I struggled to find a word horrible enough for what I had done.
"Will someone PLEASE CLUE ME IN?" Emmett yelled, his patience obviously at its end.
"I don't know what happened for certain, but I have an idea," Jasper stated quietly. "Let's hear it, Edward. You'll feel much better when you get it off your chest."
"I seriously doubt that," I muttered, folding my arms in a huff.
"What? Did things get hot-and-heavy between you two?" Emmett asked.
My disgusted glance was answer enough.
Emmett slapped me on the back and congratulated me, "You sly dog! Who knew you had it in you?"
"I could handle if that were all...well, maybe," I hemmed, trying to find a way out of this conversation without one or both of my brothers getting angry enough with me to consider tearing off my arms or legs in the process.
But I had the feeling that they weren't going to let me go until I told them everything.
I looked at them warily; Emmett stood there, grinning from ear to ear, obviously amused by anything that would embarrass me to this extent. But Jasper looked angry. He, too, had folded his arms across his chest and quirked an eyebrow, waiting for me to speak.
No, there was no way I was escaping this conversation, I sighed wearily, somehow mentally exhausted by all that had happened this afternoon. Especially that long, silent walk home with Isabella, a silence both of us seemed terrified to interrupt.
"So how was your walk along the river?" Jasper asked, and I was surprised by the gentleness in his voice. Then I realized what he was doing: Jasper meant to cajole the story from me rather than forcing it. He was master of the "catching more flies with honey than vinegar" approach, and it usually worked.
"How long before you guys were at it?" Emmett asked, trying to appear serious, but he couldn't hide his amused thoughts. He thought that it was hilarious that I was inexperienced in physical love...despite how many times Tanya had attempted to "educate" me. But that was a topic I also wanted to avoid. Especially around Isabella...
I sighed and continued, ignoring Emmett. "We sat on the boulders and yes, we kissed. It was..." I tried to find the right word, "...nice."
"Only 'nice'? Dude, you weren't doing it right if it was only 'nice'!" Emmett exclaimed, horrified.
"I think Edward was trying to be a gentleman and not 'kiss and tell,'" Jasper interjected wryly.
"Thank you," I nodded to Jasper, grateful for his understanding.
"Even 'gentlemen' have sex, Dude," Emmett reminded me crassly.
"That may be so, but they definitely do not discuss it with other men afterward," I retorted.
"So you and Bella..." Emmett made a disgusting gesture with his fingers; Jasper slapped Emmett's hands away in irritation.
"No, we most certainly did not!" I exclaimed defensively while Jasper bopped Emmett on the head, shaki his head in exasperation.
"And you wonder why we don't want to talk to you about sex, Emmett," muttered Jasper. "You're worse than a hormonal human teenager."
Emmett made a flamboyant mock bow at Jasper's "compliment," but Jasper noted his hurt beneath the mockery. I caught Jasper's thoughts as he considered how best to approach Emmett's injured feelings. Emmett really did want us to confide in him, but his rude gestures, crass words, and flippant attitude certainly didn't make baring one's soul easy.
Deciding to speak one-on-one with Emmett later, Jasper turned to me. "So what's the problem, Edward?"
Understanding dawned on Emmett's face at this point. "Is Bella afraid of being intimate with you after all she went through with the dog?" he asked, and the gentleness and respect in his voice surprised me.
As did his question.
Damn, I didn't even think of THAT. What kind of a horrible mate am I to practically attack the poor girl, then apparently frighten her out of her wits as well? She had been nearly raped by that animal, and here I was, treating her in the same way...
"I should be drawn, quartered, and burned to ash," I muttered, beginning to pace frantically, my hands yanking through my hair.
"You're gonna make yourself bald there, Dude," Emmett advised. "What's Bella going to hang onto when she..."
"Do NOT even go there," I hissed, and Jasper slapped Emmett on the back of the head in irritation.
"What?" Emmett asked innocently, but Jazz and I knew better.
Jasper leveled his gaze on me then demanded quietly, "Tell us what happened, Edward. We may be able to help."
My pacing continued as I growled, "You can't help. No one can help. I've ruined everything. Damn, I am a monster. How could she even walk home next to me? She must have been terrified..." I fell to my knees, my grief and anger at my actions robbing me of what strength I had.
This was it. I had lost her before I ever had the chance to win her. I would have nothing now...my existence would be empty, meaningless, utterly futile without her. And it was completely my fault. How could I do such a heinous thing to an innocent girl, much less to one who had been brutally attacked in the recent past?
"You are an idiot, Edward Cullen." Rosalie's voice shocked me; I had been so wrapped up in my turmoil that I hadn't heard her mind or her footsteps approaching us.
"I am far worse than that," I groaned.
"What the hell did you do?" Emmett asked, completely serious for once.
"Edward, I think you're blowing this incident way out of proportion," Jasperstated calmly. "Bella wasn't frightened in the least when you two entered the house tonight. She was confused and upset with herself, but she certainly wasn't panicked or scared."
I looked up at Jasper, my mouth agape with shock. "Isabella was 'upset with herself'? Why in the world-"
"Because she's a good person who happens to be in love with a complete imbecile and freaking drama queen," Rosalie interrupted smoothly, staring at me with a wooden expression. "She actually wanted to apologize to you."
"To me?" I was gobsmacked by Rosalie's statement. "If anyone is to apologize tonight, it should be me."
"That's what I told her," Rosalie stated smugly. "And, by the way, Alice and I explained what happens when we hunt with our mates to Bella. She understands now."
Comprehension also dawned on Jasper's and Emmett's faces with Rosalie's words.
"That's all that happened?" Emmett asked, aghast. "All this fucking drama is over you getting it on after feeding?"
"While feeding," I corrected self-consciously. I wasn't sure if I wanted to thank Rosalie for explaining the mate connection to Isabella or if I wanted to kick her behind into the next county for interfering.
"The next time something happens to surprise or upset you, Edward, will you please just TALK to the girl? She's been beating herself up ever since you two got home," Rosalie said irritably.
"This one has been tearing his pretty hair out," Emmett told her, indicating me with a nod.
Relief was beginning to fill me. Isabella understood. She wanted to apologize to me? I needed to talk to her.
I turned my back on my three siblings and started to run back to the house, ignoring their amused laughter.
I could handle their ridicule if only Isabella would talk to me.
Bella's Point of View
I sat on the freshly repaired steps of the Cullens' porch. Only vampire eyes could see the joins where the new planks were attached to the old, the new windows had been installed, the new walls erected, etc., after the recent wolf attack.
Alice had told me to wait here on the porch, so I assumed that Edward would return soon.
And I couldn't wait to talk with him.
The poor guy! I felt so sorry for him. Alice and Rosalie had set me straight about the vampire "connection" between feeding and sex—how stimulating the act of feeding together is, and how often this depth of sensual connection led to unbridled and uninhibited coupling.
If I were still human, I would be blushing fourteen shades of scarlet right now, just thinking about Edward's eyes alone—his beautiful, feral, intense eyes roaming my body...
Okay I need a fan...a cold shower...something. Anything.
And just as his body had responded to mine, mine had reacted to his as well.
I was going to have to invest in more panties if Edward and I make a habit of hunting together...
I couldn't help grinning slyly to myself despite my embarrassment.
But what was Edward going through? Knowing him, he was frustrated...and probably castigating himself for supposedly "scaring" me.
Rosalie had explained that Edward was most likely afraid that I would react negatively to any sexual advance because of what I had been through with Jacob.
So his silence on the way home and his venting his frustration with himself on Esme's door and wall (I would NOT want to be him when Esme sees that!) was understandable, if not totally blown out of proportion.
Edward had a tendency to do that, after all. I had laughed a little when Rosalie called him a "drama king" during our discussion upstairs, yet I also understood his rather exaggerated reactions, thanks again to Alice's patient explanations.
Here he was, over a century old, and love had finally found him...finally found us. And with the way his time and culture had repressed all things sexual, Edward was in completely new territory.
I would have to reach out, help him to communicate, and be patient. He loved me, and I realized from my own sadness during our silent walk home that I was well on my way to loving him as well.
A faint rustling combined with a familiar cadence of footfalls signaled Edward's return through the nearby forest. He was walking very slowly for a vampire...what I would have termed a "stroll" at human speed. The poor guy must be dreading the idea of facing me...
I waited quietly, not moving from my seat on the porch steps until he appeared on the forest path leading to the meadow in front of the house. Head down, fists balled in pants pockets, Edward was a picture of tense and ashamed thoughtfulness.
Another pulse of sympathy raced through me; he was obviously tying himself in proverbial knots over what had happened today...and, knowing him, he was most likely still angry at himself for every supposed misdeed since our eyes first met at Forks High.
So deeply engrossed in his thoughts, Edward had not yet noticed me sitting on the porch. I watched him run a hand through his tousled hair, a sure sign of turmoil.
It was time to put the poor guy out of his misery.
"Edward?" I asked softly.
Stopping in his tracks about fifty feet from me, Edward's head shot up, his eyes meeting mine, and I almost groaned when I saw the conflicting emotions in their golden depths: fear, self-loathing, excitement, yearning, passion, confusion, frustration, and a few more I didn't catch.
"Bella?" he asked nervously, obviously caught off-guard.
I patted the porch step beside me. "Could we talk, please?" I asked with a small smile.
Running his hand through his hair again, he searched my eyes, and, seemingly satisfied, strode toward the house and seated himself about a foot away from me on the same wide porch step.
Glancing at him curiously for sitting so far away from me, I was overwhelmed by the depth of emotion in his eyes, the love and desire that Alice and Rosalie had assured me that Edward possessed for me.
I think my jaw was agape...again.
Edward was always doing this to me: overwhelming me with his beauty, grace, bravery, and now with his love for me.
So I allowed my feelings to show in my expression as well.
Our glance remained connected as if magnetized; neither of us could possibly look away from the emotions we saw in the eyes of our beloved one.
It took the return of Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper to bring our gazing marathon to an abrupt end. Both Edward and I tried to ignore the smug grins and barely-concealed laughter as our siblings strolled up the stairs between us and into the house.
Edward cringed as the front door closed behind them; he looked as if he would gladly hide anywhere else for the next decade. If he were able to turn scarlet, I think he could have given me a run for my money in the blushing department...
"I don't want to know what they're thinking, do I? I asked softly.
Edward shook his head ruefully. "Definitely not," he agreed with an embarrassed smile.
I tilted my head slightly in curiosity. "Can you tell me what you are thinking?" I asked in a whisper.
Sighing, he rubbed a hand against the back of his neck, then shrugged.
This was going to be like pulling teeth...
"Alice and Rosalie shared with me what happens when vampires feed together," I started tentatively.
Edward fidgeted on the step, his elbows on his knees, his eyes lowered to his loosely clasped hands.
But he said nothing.
He wouldn't even look at me.
Edward was not making this awkward situation any easier...
Frustrated, I growled low in my throat, and Edward's head bobbed up immediately; his eyes met mine again, curious, sparkling with powerful emotion, and darkening to a deep topaz despite feeding today.
"Do you want to stop feeding together?" he asked quietly, hopelessness quashing the gleam of fire from his eyes.
Surprised and a little shocked, I asked tersely, "Why would I want to do that?"
"Because I obviously cannot control my...baser proclivities," he admitted, his eyes sorrowful. "The last thing I want to do is subject you to anything that reminds you of...what happened...with him..."
I sat back, stunned. And a little angry. Edward seemed to think he knew what I thought and felt, but he couldn't be farther from the truth. If only he had talked with me instead of assuming the worst...
I moved directly in front of Edward, kneeling between his feet yet not touching him. "Please do not assume that you know what I'm thinking, Edward Cullen," I stated acerbically. "You may be accustomed to reading everyone else's minds, but right now your track record with reading my thoughts is rather abysmal."
I smiled a little, and Edward sighed softly in relief as I continued. "I can tell you now that Jacob Black is the last person on my mind when I am in your presence; in fact, if anything, your presence makes me forget everything Jacob has done to me...forget everything I've experienced in my rather sad human life...even forget my own name..." I allowed my voice to trail off suggestively, glorying in Edward's answering smile.
The expression in his eyes was peaceful now...content...even happy; his golden eyes shone tenderly.
"If only you had spoken to me," I whispered. "I thought that you could read my mind when we touch."
He shook his head sadly. "I saw your memories when they came back to you, but that's all I've seen." His expression became thoughtful as he continued. "Unfortunately, I think that my reading your mind only occurred in that moment of high emotion, and I don't know if it will happen again. Perhaps Eleazar will know."
I frowned. "Who is Eleazar?"
"He is part of another family of 'vegetarian' vampires who live in Alaska, near Denali. I believe that Carlisle is planning to ask him and the rest of the family to come down to meet you, and then we can discuss your talents with him."
"Is he some kind of vampire expert or something?" I asked.
"His gifting is in reading and understanding the talents of other immortals," Edward replied. "He was of great use to the Romanians and other large covens who strove for power against one another. But once he found his mate, Carmen, he retired from official consultations; he'd much rather dwell in peace than deal with the constant struggle of vampire covens for power and supremacy."
"I think I'll like him," I smiled, appreciating the romance of Eleazar and Carmen's story. Then more seriously, I asked, "How many vampires will come with him?"
Edward shrugged. "The Denali family is rather large. While most covens are two, occasionally three vampires at most, there are five of them. Eleazar and his Carmen joined three sisters: Kate, Irina, and Tanya."
I froze at the final name, and Edward's hands were on my shoulders as I grasped his knees to steady myself.
"Isn't Tanya the one Emmett mentioned and you...reacted to her name. Strongly," I said quietly through numb lips.
Edward pulled me against his chest, and of their own accord, my arms reached around his waist. I felt calmer in his arms, especially when he pressed a kiss to the top of my head.
"Tanya," he started slowly, "has been interested in me for a long while, but I have never returned her attentions. Being the only man-human or vampire-to rebuff her, I became a challenge to Tanya. She doesn't want me for myself; she only wants to win the 'game.'"
"Will she be coming with Eleazar?"
Edward shrugged. "I don't know. Once Carlisle calls and Eleazar decides whether to come, then Alice will probably see who will be attending." He laughed quietly, but without humor. "It will depend on how bored Tanya and her sisters are as to whether they'll come along...if they're not reeling in prey, that is."
"Prey?" I asked. "I thought you said-"
"They respect human life," Edward interrupted, his voice wry. "Perhaps too much so..."
I pulled back a little in his arms, raising a questioning eyebrow, and Edward threw back his head, laughing beautifully; a symphony of silver church bells couldn't match the loveliness of Edward's unbridled laughter.
"You're so adorable when you quirk your brow at me like that," he chuckled, pulling me close for another embrace
"What do you mean, 'perhaps too much so'?" I asked, pulling away again and folding my arms over my chest.
Edward looked away uncomfortably. His recent humor had vanished; now he reminded me of a schoolboy who didn't want to confess to his mother that he just threw a baseball through a neighbor's window.
"Come on, what's their story?" I persisted, feeling a little concerned about Tanya and her sisters. Perhaps if our relationship (or whatever this was) wasn't so new, I would feel more confident, but right now Edward was scaring me a bit.
Clearing his throat awkwardly, Edward started to speak in a rush, explaining the sisters' proclivities all in one breath.
"Tanya, Irina, and Kate love humans...human males, that is. And when I say 'love,' I don't mean that they fall in love with them. I mean that they...um, physically love them. A lot of them. We call vampire women who have sexual relations with men succubi, and the Denali sisters have been 'loving' human men for centuries. So..." he paused to finally take a breath, "that's what I meant."
"You've got to be kidding," I gasped, more shocked than I thought I would be.
"I wish," he groaned, burying his face in his hands.
"Why do you wish I were kidding?" I asked, grasping his wrists. I was more curious about his reaction than I was about the three gorgeous vampire women who lured human men to their beds apparently coming for a visit.
Edward sighed, rubbing his eyes with his hands as if to erase certain images and memories.
"Aaaaah," I whispered, cottoning on. "You've seen their thoughts. Their, um, private thoughts."
"Ugh. Yes. In far too much detail," he groaned.
I laughed...he was just so adorable when he was embarrassed; I just couldn't help myself. Poor Edward. Being bombarded by such images when his human time period had been one of sexual repression must have been torture for Edward.
He huffed in annoyance, then gave a shiver as apparently more memories of their thoughts surfaced.
"I'm sorry, Edward. I shouldn't be teasing you. I'm sure that it wasn't pleasant," I said quietly, cupping his face between my palms.
His voice was soft, his eyes troubled, as he answered me. "No, it's not pleasant; it's hideous." He sighed, closing his eyes as he continued. "And Tanya is the worst. She likes to remember her most intimate moments in detail, thinking that such images will attract me to her when all it does is make me want to run in the other direction."
"I'm sorry," I repeated in the merest whisper.
Opening his eyes, his eyes met mine with warmth and tenderness. Wrapping an arm around my waist, he pulled me against his chest and kissed me briefly. "Thank you for understanding," he breathed.
Edward's touch, especially when his lips were involved, was utterly addicting. If my heart could still beat, it would be in danger of arresting right now... No wonder Tanya wanted him; he was magical and handsome and sexy...and totally unconscious of the fact. He was so amazing. So...
I froze in his embrace as unfamiliar feelings and images cascaded through my mind.
I felt like a schoolgirl; I had no idea about vampire relationships. After all, Rosalie and Alice had to fill me in on the whole hunting/sensuality connection tonight. Even as a vampire, I was awkward, unsure of myself, and far too innocent when compared to Tanya's vast experience with males.
How could he ever want me?
"What's wrong?" Edward asked quietly, tipping my chin up so that he could look into my eyes.
I shook my head, pulling away from him and getting to my feet. He could tell me more about Tanya later; I was sure that she was far more beautiful than I was, and if she had wanted Edward for so many decades, she wouldn't give up just because I was joining their family.
Edward was on his feet in a flash, grasping my wrist to turn me back to face him.
But I dropped my eyes to the porch floor, not allowing him to see what I'm sure was plain in my expression...
Jealousy.
Fear.
Embarrassment.
Hopelessness.
I was most likely no match for Tanya in beauty. Here I was, an uncontrolled young vampire, someone whom Edward had to take care of instead of spending his time with someone far more worthy.
Just as Edward tipped my chin up again, Alice came dancing out onto the porch. "Isn't it lovely? The whole Denali clan is coming tomorrow evening; I just saw it. Carlisle is on the phone with Eleazar right now."
Edward growled low in his chest while I slipped from his grasp and went into the house.
Alone.
Thanks for your patience in waiting for this chapter. The beginning of the school year is always crazy. This past week I started teaching two classes in addition to homeschooling our three teen boys (collectively known as "the boybarians") and doing editorial assignments for work and for a few organizations. I was up until 3:00-4:00AM every night for the past week.
But I hope to return to posting each weekend now that I'm getting settled into my classes and school schedule. Thanks for understanding!
I value every lovely review I receive; I save them all in a special file on my computer to brighten my days when writing doesn't come as easily as usual. I apologize for responding to so few, but I thought you'd prefer me to spend my few spare moments writing rather than responding to your wonderful reviews and messages. But I do treasure them-thank you sooooo very much! You're all simply amazing!
Next update: next Sunday, I hope!
Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Warmly and with xxxooo,
Cassandra :)
