A/N: Some M rated language in this chapter.
I open up the door to the freezer and grab three more cans of Cult 45 off the top shelf. I kind of like days like this where it's so busy that I don't even have a spare moment to think, because days like this make the day go by so fast. It was so slow a little bit ago but it really picked up about an hour ago and I've been running around behind this bar like a tornado trying to keep up with everyone's demands. When I say that it was slow a little bit ago, I mean that in a literal sense. I mean that as in up until an hour ago, I was walking around with $27 in tip money in my apron. I've been here since 7:40 this morning and for the majority of my day, I only made $27. When I say that it really picked up an hour ago, I mean that in a literal sense too. I had $27 in my pocket an hour ago and last time I counted, I had $376. Big difference, huh? From $27 to $376 is a pretty significant difference. It might sound a bit strange, but I'm proud of myself in a sense. It's not like I made $349 in one hour by being lazy. I've been working my own ass off and kissing so much drunken ass to make this money and I'm kind of amazed that I can call my mom when I get off work tonight and tell her that she doesn't have to pay my car note this month. I made enough to pay my car note in ONE night. That's never happened to me before.
I'm not exactly proud of the way I've been kissing ass tonight for my tips but it's been working so I guess I can't complain too much. Honestly? I liked bartending way more back when I was single. A little bit of light flirting and flaunting my chest is about 75% of the reason why I have so much money in my pocket but I feel so guilty while I'm doing it. It's not like I sit there and talk dirty to the guys and flash them a whole nipple or anything like that. I mainly just call them "honey" or "darling" and smile at them. Sometimes I'll pour their beers in their glasses for them, I'll bend over so they can see a little bit of cleavage while I put their shot glasses in front of them and sometimes I'll wink at them. That's the extent of the flirting. And when I say I flaunt my chest, I literally mean that I unbutton my shirt all the way down to my collarbone and that's it. It's not like I'm some big huge slut while I'm at work but I still feel really guilty when I even have to parade around these men, knowing that I have my own man at home. You would think that I'm a stripper with how guilty I've been feeling with every wink, every smile and every pet name I've dished out today. It kind of feels like I'm a stripper with all the one dollar bills I have in my pocket too. Anyway, the flirting and stuff—no matter how unorthodox—has been getting me $16 for a $7 beer, $30 for a $20 mix drink and $20 for a $5 shot of whiskey, rum or vodka.
"Would you like me to pour your glass, honey?" I stop in front of the first man that's been here for a while with one can of beer that I grabbed. His name is Chris, I think he said. I don't mean to, but being that I'm the only tender working today, it's been hard for me not to eavesdrop and overhear most of their conversations. There are about 15, maybe 20 men sitting here at this bar and I think they all work together because every single one of them know one another and they're all dressed in white t-shirts and mud-covered jeans like they just came back from a construction site. I haven't been listening to them word for word so I'm not exactly sure of all their names but so far, I've learned that some of their names are Chris, Peter, Henry, Paul and Chuck. Since Chris nodded his head at me, I slip my fingernail underneath the opener on top of the can and pop open the beer. I pour it into his mug until the foam crawls up to the rim. "There you go. Let me know if you need anything else."
I take the other two cans down to two of the men that I haven't quite learned the names of. "Sorry about the wait for your beers." I apologize because they have been waiting for a little while. Everyone sitting here at this bar has been pretty nice to me tonight. They haven't been rude to me and they've been understanding that I might take some time to refill their drinks or whatever since I'm the only tender working. There's usually two of us back here but before Tony left at 4:00, he told Kaylee she could go home since it was so slow. We close at 7:00 on Sundays, which means the bar technically closes at 6:00 but I get off at 5:30 so if someone wants to come in here and get a drink, they have to get it through Luke, who's still running the floors until 7:00. He's outside on the patio though. It's still pretty slow for the diner so he's been keeping all his customers out on the patio just to make it easier on him. Macy got sent home before Kaylee so Luke's in the same boat as me with being the only one running the floors. "Is there anything else I can get you right now?" I ask the two darker skinned men that I just served beers to. One of them has a cleanly shaven bald head and the other has a little bit of curly hair on his head. Both of them smile at me, but the bald one's eyes go directly at my chest but I pretend not to notice it. My first couple times bartending, men staring at my ass and my chest used to bother me but I learned to ignore it eventually and my life is much easier now. "Just let me know if there's anything else I can get you guys." I wink at the two of them and hurry off in the other direction.
"You think she's single?" I hear them start to talk about me as I'm walking away, so I tune my ears up and start to listen. I know I probably shouldn't. I truly believe that ignorance is bliss in situations like this because I'm not conceited, but I know that these guys are most likely thinking terrible things about me. So although I know listening is probably only going to make me mad, hurt my feelings or upset me, I can't help but listen anyway. "Yeah, she's way too sexy to be single. Somebody already snatched her up." I grin to myself, wondering what exactly makes them so qualified to tell if a woman is single or not just based off her looks. If they really go around looking at girls and trying to figure out if their single based off their looks then they really must not have lives outside of this. I grab the damp rag out of the sink and take it back over to the bar counter. I coop up the ten dollar bill someone left me underneath an empty beer can, shove it in the front pocket of my apron and toss the can in the trashcan behind me. I take the rag and start scrubbing the dried beer off the counter. "Hey…" I hear slurred words being thrown my way so I pause from scrubbing the counter to look at who's asking for me. The curly haired guy chugs his beer until the mug is empty and slams it back down on the counter. "How 'bout another one?"
I toss the rag back into the sink and scurry back to the freezer. "More whiskey?" I stop at a man with sandy blonde hair and blue eyes that has an empty shot glass sitting in front of him. His eyes are red-rimmed and he's smirking, so I can tell that he probably doesn't need more whiskey but it's my job to serve them. It's not my job to police and babysit them and make sure they don't poison themselves. Still, he nods his head and looks like he's ready to slump over. "I'll be right back." I snag an empty strawberry margarita can and an empty glass bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade up off the counter, toss them away and finally make it to the freezer. I grab another Cult 45 from the freezer, pick the bottle of Jack Daniel's up and sigh. My feet are hurting but I can last another hour. I'm out of here soon enough. "Here you go." I put the can of beer in front of the curly haired one and hurry off to the blonde one so I can give him more whiskey. "Jack Daniel's, right?" I ask with a smile before I even pop the cap off.
"Thanks, sweetheart." He covers his mouth with his fist and belches softly. I take the cap off the glass bottle and top his shot glass off. No sooner than I've poured it is he already taking it to his head. He swallows it like it's nothing, puts the empty glass back down on the counter and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "Can I buy you a drink?"
"I'm not supposed to drink on the job." I refill his glass, smile at him and screw the cap back on the bottle of whiskey. "Thanks for asking though. That's very sweet." I flip my hair over my shoulder since I took it out of the ponytail I had it in earlier.
"So how much do I owe you, beautiful?" Staring at me, he leans to the side so he can dig his wallet out of his blue jeans.
"It'll be $15 for the three shots." I put the glass bottle on the counter next to where I'm standing and get ready to pull out my money pouch to break a twenty for him in case I need to. He belches again, rummages through his wallet and hands me two twenties. "I said $15, sir." I hand one of the twenties back to him. He's so intoxicated that he doesn't even know what kind of money he's giving me.
"I know what you said, hon. You keep the change…just because you're beautiful." He winks his reddened eye at me and sticks his wallet back into his pocket. Essentially, he's giving me a $25 tip. I'm not complaining, but holy cow that's generous. I take a couple steps back, away from the counter and cash out the money for the shots into my money pouch. I stick a twenty dollar bill into the pouch, take out a five and stick the remaining twenty and the five in my apron with the rest of my tips. Just as I go to grab the bottle of Jack Daniel's to put it back on the liquor shelf, the man puts his hand on top of mine. "Since I can't buy you a drink on the job…what time can I buy you a drink?" I smile at him and shake my head.
"I don't think my boyfriend would like that too much." I politely nudge my hand away from his and keep smiling. "Thank you though. I really appreciate it." That was the first time someone's actually asked me out while I'm working. When Bethany bartends, guys ask her out all the time but I'm not kidding when I say that Bethany is a little bit of a whore. She shows off her boobs, she wears tight miniskirts and she even gives some of the guys her number. She'll blow kisses at them and tell them all types of dirty things. I'm showing off the little bit of cleavage I've got and for the first time, I'm wearing a miniskirt today but none of these men will ever get my number and I think it's taking it to the extreme when you blow kisses and tell them how good with your mouth you are. Granted, Bethany walks out of bartending some nights with over $600 in her pocket but she whores around to get it and I won't do that. After I turn the man down, I take the bottle back to the liquor shelf and step back so I can check on everyone else. Everyone is pretty much satisfied at the moment, which is rare.
Like I said, I think they all know each other and work together because all of them are deep in conversation. Since I seem to have a free moment, I decide to start on my cleanups so I can get out of here at exactly 5:30 on the dot. I think Alex is supposed to be getting Lyla today at 6:00 so if I get out of here at exactly 5:30, I should have time to go home, take a shower and charge my phone a little before I walk down his house to see her. I start taking apart the blender so I can clean it again so it'll already be done so I can leave on time. As of right now, when I leave here and go over Alex's later, I'm going over there to see Lyla and Lyla only. I'm still pretty pissed with him right now and I've reached the conclusion that I won't become un-pissed until he apologizes to me. I just want him to apologize for calling me that word. I don't care if he doesn't apologize to me for HIM being selfish; all I want is for him to apologize for calling me that. I'm actually pretty content with not seeing him at all today but I do want to see Lyla so I'm going to knuckle down and deal with the fact that I have to see his stupid ass if I want to see her. I meant what I said to my friends earlier though. He's an asshole, yes but he's my asshole and I love my asshole. I'm not going to stay mad at him forever and I don't plan on breaking up with him or anything that falls into that category. But I do plan on being mad at him until I get an apology.
I finish rinsing the blender and head for the gate that'll lead me from behind the bar. I need to start sweeping from around the stools while I still have free time. I grab the broom, hold the gate open and slip from behind the counter. I turn my back towards the guys and start sweeping the floor around the gate first. Once I've swept all my dirt into a neat little pile, I bend over and put the dustpan down on the floor. Just as I start to sweep the dirt into the dustpan, I remember that I'm wearing a skirt today as opposed to my usual shorts or blue jeans. And I'm only bent over for a few seconds before I'm reminded—rudely reminded—that I am indeed wearing a skirt. Something that feels like the palm of a hand is suddenly pressed against my butt and as soon as I feel it—whatever it is—touching me, I jump up, stand straight and catch a gasp in my throat before it can actually come out of my mouth. Still a little jumpy, I turn around and backpedal back towards the gate so I can go back to where I'm safe, behind the bar. I'm pretty sure someone just touched my ass but I can't really say that for certain, nor can I pinpoint who it was so I just don't say anything. I shake my head to clear my thoughts and just innocently return back to doing my work.
"I need an Apple Ale over here, miss." A guy at the total opposite end of the bar lifts his hand up. I nod my head at him and turn to get back to the freezer. I look through the shelves for a Redd's Apple Ale and grab the first one I find. All of a sudden, I have a really bad, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I really think one of these men grabbed my butt but I don't know which one it is. I don't feel very well all of a sudden. I can't decide what emotion I'm feeling. There's some confusion inside me, sure but I'm a mess between anger and…I don't know, maybe fear? I shake my head once more to clear my thoughts again and just put it off. Maybe I accidentally brushed against part of a stool or a piece of the counter or something. And if someone did touch my butt, at least I'm safe back here. They can't touch me if I'm back here. I'm just gonna keep my head down and do my work. I'll be out of here pretty soon anyway. Moving at a slower pace, I walk the drink over to the guy that asked for it. "Thanks, babe."
"You're welcome." I maintain my politeness even though I'm admittedly pretty uncomfortable with the fact that he just called me "babe." I drag my feet back over to the sink and pretend like I'm washing something when in reality, I'm using the little bit of privacy with my back turned to button my shirt up. My heart is starting to beat so fast that I'm beginning to feel lightheaded. One by one, I slip the white buttons back between the fabrics. I try to listen to whatever song is playing on the speakers overhead, but my ears can't help but tune into their conversations again.
I have a really, really bad feeling about being the only woman in a room full of about fifteen to twenty men…
X X X
After clambering myself into the smallest stall in the bathroom, my fingers slip as I try to twist the lever to lock the door behind myself. My vision is brutally clouded from the tears that are falling from my eyes because every time I blink to rid myself of the current batch that's filled up on the rims of my eyes, more fill up and it's a continuous cycle that makes it hard for me to see. Breathing heavy, I desperately wipe my eyes with the back of my free hand and sniff, freeing myself of tears just long enough to lock the door. Once it's locked, I clasp my hands over my eyes and try to calm myself down. I can't go back out there. I have about…45 minutes left of my shift and I really don't think I can finish it off. I can't go back out there. Me and my big mouth… I feel like I'm shivering but I'm not; I'm shaking. Tears are streaming down the palms of my hands that are covering my eyes, running down my forearms and collecting in the bend of my elbow. My head feels like I'm banging it off a wall, my throat hurts because I've been gasping to catch my breath and my entire body feels like it's just shutting completely down.
Me and my big mouth. I can't believe I told them that I get off at 5:30. I didn't mean to, I just…I can't even think right now. I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't function. They asked me and I just…I just said it. I can't think about anything besides getting out of here right now. I'm usually smarter than this. I usually don't bend over in front of guys while I'm wearing a skirt, I don't usually tell strangers about myself and I'm usually smart enough to deflect questions; especially when they ask me what time I get off. I didn't know what to say! I tried to lie about it but they just kept asking and asking and asking…I didn't know what to say! All of them were asking! They were asking and calling me their "babe" and "baby" and "sexy" and I just didn't know what to do. They said…they said they were going to wait for me. I don't know if they were just joking or if they were being serious but I'm too scared to find out. I can't go back out there. Not with the things they said to me…not with the things they were saying about me.
They're all drunk and that's the scary part. They're drunk and a lot of guys get all horny when they're drunk and I'm the only girl here and they're clearly horny right now and I told them that I get off at 5:30 and they said they were going to wait for me. It wasn't so bad at first but the more drinks they got in their systems, the bolder they got and the nastier they got. They kept asking me what kind of underwear I was wearing, how many drinks they'd have to buy me before I'd let them take me home…they were talking about having sex with me. All of them. All of them were talking about it and they were talking about doing it at the same time. And they were talking about where they were going to take me, whose house, who was going first and what order they were going to take turns having sex with me. I was trying to ignore them, I really was but they were yelling at me. They kept yelling at me and asking me what kind of…positions I like and one even asked me if I've done anal before. I really think they're planning to rape me. If there was just one guy talking about it, I wouldn't care. I would stay out there and I would toughen it out but there are seventeen of them. I actually counted to see exactly how outnumbered I am and it'd be seventeen against one. There are seventeen drunken, horny men out there and they want me.
The one guy even said that I'd be a good… I take my hands away from my eyes and clamp them over my mouth so I can turn around and aim for the toilet. I bend my knees slightly, hang my head over the toilet and as soon as I take my hands away, my entire body contracts and it sounds like I've just dumped a gallon of water into the toilet bowl. I hold onto the toilet paper dispenser and cough. I haven't eaten anything today, yet my stomach found something for me to throw up. It mostly came out in the form of just pure water but a few potato chip pieces came up with it. I can honestly say that I've never been so upset that I've thrown up before. All the times I've ever vomited, the reason was because I was sick. I've never cried myself into throwing up…until now. I sniff and close my eyes, resting my head against the toilet paper dispenser too. I swallow hard and take a deep breath. How could someone say such a thing? Even if you are drunk, how could you say that? How could your conscious mind allow you to say that a woman would be a good…rape? He said that about me. The guy he was sitting next to…he told him that he thinks I'd put up one hell of a fight and he said that he didn't care, because I'd be a good rape. Who says something like that? He made it sound like he's done it before.
I slowly pick my head up off the dispenser and reach forward to flush my puke down the toilet. I walk backwards until my back hits the cool metal door of the stall. Once I'm against the stall, I lean against it and slide down until my butt is on the floor and my knees are pulled up into my chest. I wrap my arms around my knees, put my head down on my kneecaps and feel my hair fall to the front of my body. I can usually get myself to stop crying but not this time for some reason. I don't think I've ever cried this hard but then again, I also don't think I've ever been this scared before. It took me a while to actually realize what I am and once I heard that man tell his friend that I would be "a good rape", it all set in. The thing is; that wasn't the nastiest thing that was said about me out there. Nope. One guy said that he'd "fill me up" if you know what I mean, one said something about wanting to "stick his tongue"…somewhere and there were a lot worse things said than the rape comment that I really don't want to relive. The rape comment is the one that scared me though. That's the one that made me realize exactly how outnumbered I am and the way he said it gave me chills. He said it as if he's raped a girl before and wouldn't mind doing it again. He said it like he gets enjoyment out of raping girls. I mean, when you say that someone would be "a good rape", doesn't that kind of imply that you've raped someone before?
When I think about the fact that I have to go back out there…I feel nauseous all over again. I have to go back out there and that's what's scaring me the most. There's nobody out there watching the bar right now so for all I know, they could be trashing the place and stealing liquor. I'm not supposed to leave the bar unattended but if I didn't get out of there after hearing that man say how much he'd enjoy raping me, I might've broken down and cried out there. I don't know what I would've done but I just had to get out of there, at least for a second. I'm way too petrified to go back, too. I left them alone…what if they took the alone time to plan out what they're going to do to me? They planned out quite a bit already. They planned whose house they were going to take me to, they planned who was going to have sex with me first, they planned who was going to screw me in which positions…they did all of that in front of me. Imagine what kind of planning they got done without me? They probably thought up who's going to be the one to slip a roofie in my drink or whatever method they choose to drug me. But I have to go back out there. I have to go back out there until 5:30 and they already know that I'm getting off at 5:30. What if they sit outside and wait for me? Maybe Austin can handle the bar until 5:30. Maybe I can just hide out in here until 5:30 and sneak out through the back? Austin's nothing but a greeter and a seater…he doesn't know a thing about bartending but still. At least it's someone, right?
I have to go back out there. If I want to keep this job, I have to go back out there. After today, I really don't even think I want to work here anymore but I know that I have to. It's not like I have any other option. I have a rent to pay, an electricity bill to pay, a water bill, a garbage bill, a car note and groceries to buy. I don't make much here but it's been getting me by for the last three and a half months. I need a different job but this is the only thing I've got for right now so I have to go back out there. I'm so scared though. What if they do something to me? What am I going to do if they decide they want to have their way with me? There's nothing I can do. There's seventeen of them and one of me. If they band together and decide that they want to wait outside for me to get off so they can follow through with their little plan, what can I do? I can't fight them all off. I'm one person. I'm one five foot, five inch, hundred and thirty pound girl trying to take on seventeen construction workers. I'm so scared to go back out there but I have to…I have to. I want Alex so bad right now. I want him to hold me and give me one of his most comfortable bear hugs that I love so much. I feel so safe when he hugs me like that. I want him so bad. I want him to make me feel safe again.
He's pissed at me and I'm pissed at him but Alex…He's really the only person I want right now. I snivel, wipe my nose with the back of my hand and pull my phone out of the side pocket of my apron. I dial his number quickly since I know it off by heart and hold the phone to my ear. I know he's mad at me and I know I'm supposed to be mad at him but I really need him right now. I really, really, really need him right now. I need him. Every time he needs me, I come running. Can he please just do the same? "Hello?" He answers the phone on the third ring and already, I feel a little bit better by simply hearing his voice.
I really need him right now.
Alex's Point of View.
I don't even bother rolling my windows up, I just get out of the car, instinctively push the lock button on the remote and shove the keys into my pocket. The parking lot is pretty much empty with the exception of two white trucks that have the name of some construction company written on the side in black lettering. I have no idea what I'm about to walk into but I do know that if I catch someone so much as BREATHE her direction with the way I'm feeling right now, I'm going to beat the living hell out of a man. After I hung up the phone with her earlier, I tried to make it a priority to calm myself down before I walked into this building. I tried; I really did try but I couldn't. I just kept thinking about how she felt so unsafe and frightened that she had to hide in a bathroom and call me while she was WORKING. She's at her job. She should be able to go to work and feel safe at work. She shouldn't be ducking in bathrooms because drunken old bastards are making her feel uncomfortable. I tried so hard to calm down but the more I thought about why she called me crying, the madder I got and I'm anything but calm right now. I jog up the steps to get to the front door of the restaurant and yank it open, storming through it.
"If you're looking for Jo, she's bartending today." The goofy looking kid with acne and black glasses doesn't even bother grabbing me a menu. Everyone knows that when I come in here while Jo's working, I usually just want to come talk to her. They don't bother giving me menus when I come in here while Jo's working. I blow past the seating podium and nearly run back towards the bar. Just like she told me, there is a group of men sitting at the bar, drinking and laughing hysterically amongst themselves. There are about…maybe twenty of them, if I had to guess. And she was telling the truth; she really is the only girl in here. None of her other friends appear to be working today and the only people that are working are men with the exception of her. Glaring at each and every single man I walk by, I make my way back to the bathrooms. It takes some sort of inhumane, godlike restraint for me to leave them alone. 99% of me wants to snap out on all of them but somehow the 1% wins out and I just go straight to the bathrooms.
I don't care that I'm clearly a man about to walk into the ladies' room. I could give a damn about any kind of rules right now. I shove open the wooden bathroom door and barrel inside. It's quiet in here, with the exception of silent cries coming from the stall closest to the door. I look down at the floor to make sure that it's actually her and I can identify her solely by the two deep dimples in the skin of her lower back that's exposed by her shirt rising up around her waist. Well the dimples and of course the brown little dots on her lower back skin as well. "Jo." I slap the door with my hand. "Open up, it's me." I slap the door one more time and step back. As soon as I say "it's me", her lower back disappears and her feet appear in its place. I watch the latch on the door turn and the door flies open. Her face is incredulously red, blotchy and puffy. The skin underneath her eyes is puffing outwards, her eyes are bloodshot red, the skin around her nostrils is fiery red and her jaw is trembling. I'm a little bit taken aback by the way she looks because like I've said before, Jo's not much of a crier and I haven't seen her cry a bunch of times before. I only look at her face for a brief moment before all the anger I'm feeling washes away. "Come here." As if we're on the same page, as soon as my arms open, she rushes into them. She buries her face in the middle of my chest, throws her arms around me and starts uncontrollably, inconsolably sobbing. The entire bathroom is filled with the sound of her crying murmurs and hearing her cry is seriously ripping my heart into two pieces. "I'm here." I squeeze my arms around her entire body hard and drag my hand up her back and rest it on the back of her head. "It's alright. I'm here now. It's alright." Her entire body is shaking in my arms and I can just tell that she's very upset. "It's okay." I lift her up off her feet just slightly and squeeze her tighter. I just want to calm her down. That's my sole focus right now
"I know you're mad but I didn't know what else to do. I just wanted you. You can go back to being mad but please don't leave me here." I feel the fabric of my shirt constrict as she squeezes it. She's acting like I'm getting ready to leave and by squeezing me, she's preventing me from leaving. Little does she know, I have absolutely no plans of leaving her. "I know you're mad, I know, I know…"
"No…Jo, no." I hold her closer and tighter and press my lips to the top of her head. If I'm being totally and completely honest here, I forgot we were supposed to be mad at each other. I forgot all about this morning the second I heard her sobbing on the phone. Fuck being mad at her though. No argument in this world is ever going to make me mad enough to the point where I won't be here for her when she needs me. I'm not too mad to the point where I won't come hold her and calm her down. I don't give a damn how mad I was this morning, everything is irrelevant now. It was a stupid ass argument and me being stupid and selfish and a big crybaby. This is something totally different. There's nothing she could do to make me mad enough that I would turn my back on her. "Screw that argument. Screw it. I…I was being a dick this morning but all of that is gone now." I kiss her head again. "I'll do anything in this world for you, no matter how much you piss me off. You know that…and I'm not leaving you. I swear to God, I'm not going anywhere." She's finally calming down a little. "…What happened?" I loosen my arms around her and pull back so I can look her in her eyes. "What went on out there?"
"E-everybody…" She starts out by stuttering. I hate to do ask her to tell me what happened when whatever it was clearly messed with her pretty bad but I just need to understand the magnitude of what I'm dealing with when I go out there. I put my hands on her shoulders and rub them. "Everybody got sent home because it's really slow today and I'm the only girl here and I've been making a lot of money tonight but I'm the only girl and it sped up a little bit around here when I got a little bit of a rush at the bar and I'm bartending and the way you make money when bartending is when you flirt and act all nice and stuff and they were tipping me really well and everything was okay but then someone I think they touched my butt and I got scared so I stopped flirting and stuff but that didn't help and they were getting all nasty with me and there's just a lot of them and only one me so I tried to act natural about it but they were being so nasty..." She's ranting. Just like I remember her mother telling me back when we were talking on the beach, she's throwing everything at me in a big flood and I kind of got the gist of what upset her so much but with her rambling on and on like that I kind of lost her. I nod my head and stroke her shoulders some more. She lifts her hands up and wipes her eyes hard. "They were making plans to…to rape me. I just need you to sit with me, okay? Please sit with me. I get off in a little bit and I can go home but I can't go out there alone…"
"Nobody's gonna touch you." I wipe her tears with my thumbs and cradle her face in my hands. "Nobody is going to do anything to you. I'm not gonna let it happen. You hear me? I won't let it happen." She sniffs hard and puts her face back in my chest. "Come over here…" I guide her over to the sinks and turn on the cold water. I cup my hands underneath the running water and douse it on her face. "Calm yourself down, alright? Calm yourself down. I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna sit and when your shift's over, I'll walk you out. Everything's going to be fine." I douse more water on her face. "Just go out there and finish doing what you have to do. I'll be right there and I'm not going to let anybody do anything to you. I'm not about to let anything happen to you. Just go back out there. Alright?" She nods her head. "Alright." I kiss her temple. "Love you. I'm gonna go out there and sit. Okay?"
"Kay." She nods again and keeps trying to pull herself together.
X X X
"Pew! Pew!" Although she's being pretty loud and obnoxious, I have to admit that I feel like this is the way my house should be. I should be standing at the stove trying to figure out how to boil pierogis and I should be annoyed with the loud noises of her playing rambunctiously in the living room. I have no idea what the hell she's playing but she's making a whole hell of a lot of noise in my living room. Being an only child for all of her life, she learned pretty quickly how to make fun for herself and how to play alone. She sounds like she's having a ball in there. "You gonna let the ghosts out! Hurry and get them back in the can! Hurry!" Just to make sure she actually is alone in there, I lean to the side and peek into the living room. She's sitting on the floor with a Cinderella doll in one hand and the furry blue and purple monster from that monster movie in her other hand. Spread out on the floor in front of her is an alien doll, a naked Barbie, a naked Ken doll, and the horse from that Toy Story movie. "PEW!" She drops the monster doll and makes her hand into a gun shape and acts like she's shooting the toys that are on the floor. "PEW!" She picks the monster back up. "YOU DID IT SULLEY! You my HERO!" She makes the Cinderella doll kiss the monster which makes me chuckle.
Yeah, she's alone in there and yeah, she's having that much fun by herself. I shake my head and go right back to reading the directions on the back of the blue pierogi bag. I bet Jo would know exactly how to cook these things but she's not here right now and Lyla said that she's hungry now. My dad didn't feed her because he figured that I would want to do the whole dinner thing again tonight and him and Michelle went up to Pensacola for dinner while she's here. She hasn't eaten since lunch and she's hungry now; which is why I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to cook these things. If she wasn't hungry right now, I'd wait for Jo to come down and cook them. She should be here pretty soon. She went home after she got off of work so she could take a shower and stuff and she said she'd be down in a little bit. She was back to her usual self once she got out of that building for good. I told her to make sure she has a talk with her manager on Tuesday when she gets back to work to make sure he never sticks her alone behind the bar ever again. I want her to quit her job, honestly. I want her to quit and I don't want her to ever go back there but I'm not about to ask her to quit. The most I can do for her is offer her my support.
"We has to go into the magical kitchen…shh." From the corner of my eye, I can see Lyla crawling into the kitchen with her two dolls in tow. I glance at her from the corner of my eye to see what she's up to but whatever it is, I can tell she's trying to be secretive about it. Her blue jeans are falling down with every crawl she takes, exposing the pair of blue and silver Elsa underwear she's wearing today. Her pants are all entirely too big for her anymore, since she wears big girl underwear now. I think I'm gonna go pick her up some new clothes for preschool. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow, after I go see Arizona up at the hospital. I can tell that Michelle dressed her this morning, anyway. There's no way my dad did. She's wearing a pair of jeans and a pink t-shirt with matching pink socks and her hair is neatly brushed back in a ponytail. She looks up at me to make sure I'm not looking at her and once she thinks that I'm not paying attention, she starts crawling again. She crawls right over to the snack drawer and opens it up quietly.
"What do you think you're doing?" I keep my back turned but I can tell that she stopped opening the drawer because I hear it close again. I smirk and tear open the bag of pierogis since the water on the stovetop is boiling. "Didn't you already have three cookies, Lyla? You wouldn't be trying to get more, would you? Because you know that'd spoil your dinner."
"…Cinnawella wants one though. Just one. Um…her and Sulley will share it. Her and Sulley didn't get one before 'acause Bullseye and Alien and Barbie and Ken eated them all." Part of me—the part that still feels bad that she got taken away—wants to say "go ahead" and let her get another cookie. But the rational part of me knows that even though she got taken away from me and she doesn't currently live here, I'm still her father and I still have to parent her. I can't keep feeling sorry for having her taken away forever, can I? If I do that, she'll end up being spoiled rotten. I'm still her dad and I still have to parent her, even though I feel bad and want to give her every little thing that she wants.
"No more cookies, Lyla. Dinner will be done in a little bit. Go back and play." I dismiss her. I feel bad but I know that I did the right thing. No matter what, I still have to be a dad to her. As I start plopping the frozen pierogis into the boiling water, I heart the drawer opening again. "What did I say, Lyla?" I turn around and look at her this time. She has a guilty look on her face but her hands are clearly on the drawer. "I said go play. I said no more cookies. You can have cookies after you eat dinner." She gives me her "angry face" with her lip poked out. "I don't care. You can get mad at me. No cookies. Go back and play." I want to just give in and let her have the damn cookie. If a cookie makes her happy after she's been ripped out of her home, I should just let her have it…no. I have to be firm. I'm still her dad. I watch her throw her Cinderella doll down on the floor and cross her arms in a pout. "If you want to be like that then you know where you can go." I shrug my shoulders. She throws her Sulley doll down too and stomps her foot. "Okay then, go to the mat."
"NO DADDY!" She stomps her foot and screams at me. She's not telling me no as in, "no, I'm not going to the mat", she's telling me "no" as in, "no, don't send me to the mat." She pokes her lip out as if she's pleading with me. I say nothing to her and she knows that when I say nothing, I mean what I said. She sneakily starts to pick up her toys.
"Go to the mat, Lyla. Now." I point over at the laundry room door because that's where the mat is. As I've stated before, Lyla's a really good kid. Sometimes she can be bratty and sometimes she can get a little bit off the hook but she's generally a good kid and she doesn't really call for much discipline. Like right now, for example. She knows that I mean business. So even though she throws her head back and starts whining, she walks her little butt over to the laundry room door and sits down on the little red timeout mat. She sits cross-legged on the mat and quietly cries to herself. I sigh and continue dropping pierogis into the water because I know that I don't have to watch her. Lyla knows better than to get up off the mat before I tell her to. I could've just let her have the cookie though, right? I mean, it's only one lousy cookie after all. I could've just let her have the cookie. I zip the bag of pierogis back up and stuff them back into the freezer. It's best if I break myself of this habit now, though. If I get into this habit of giving her everything she wants just because I feel bad that she had to go through everything, I'll be right back where I started when I overcompensated for Jenna dying. I fell into the habit of giving her everything she wanted back when Jenna died and when I finally started to discipline her, she didn't take to it. I finally got her to understand that I mean business when I say something and I'm about to regress back to spoiling her because I feel bad. I can't do that. Like I said, I'm still her dad. I'm still her dad and I'm going to get her back and I don't want her to be a brat when I get her back.
I go over to the sink so I can wash my hands and I glance at her as I stick my hands under the faucet. She's sucking her thumb and rubbing the red carpeted mat with her other hand. She always, always, always, always starts singing when she's in timeout. I think it helps her pass the time faster so I'm not exactly surprised when I turn the water off and I can hear that she's singing; despite the fact that her thumb is in her mouth. "She a twap keen…inna…" She sniffs, moves her legs and keeps singing. "I inna mall getting fwy wiff my baby yeah yeah and I get wide wiff my baby…I inna kitchen makin' pies wiff my baby like hey, sup hello…" Why am I not surprised that she chose that song to sing? I shake my head at her and bend down to pick up the toys she threw. I'm still not happy she knows all the lyrics to Trap Queen. Why is a song like that even on the radio? I guess it's alright, as long as she doesn't know what a Trap Queen is though, like Jo said.
Speaking of Jo, right after I pick up Lyla's toys, my front door opens up. She looks a lot better than she did earlier. Her face has returned back to normal, her hair is neatly combed up into a ponytail and she's wearing a pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. She looks a hell of a lot better. "What are you attempting to make?" She kicks her slippers off at the door and shuts it behind herself. "It smells like you're burning whatever it is." She walks over to me and gives me a hug. I press my lips to her forehead, just in case she still needs that little bit of reassurance after the kind of day she had. She smells good too. I mean, Jo always smells pretty good but she smells really good right now. I can just tell that she got out of the shower, that's all. "Where's Lyla?"
"In timeout." I go over and stir the pierogis. "She was being a brat so I stuck her in timeout."
"Aw." She taps me on the shoulder. "Come here, Lyla!" She calls her.
"Mummy's home!" Of course, Lyla comes running into the kitchen. She runs right past me and straight to Jo. "Hi mummy." She wraps her arms around Jo's legs but Jo picks her up instead. "Hi mummy."
"Hi sweetie." Jo kisses her cheek and part of me wishes that Lyla was actually right when she said that Jo's "home". I wish this was Jo's home…
Jo's Point of View.
"So…what'd the lawyer say?" I step out of my pants and toss them over on my chair. For some reason, Alex wanted to stay at my house again tonight. He claims that my little air mattress bed was comfortable as hell last night so he wanted to stay at my house again. Who am I to argue? I pull my quilt back and climb between the sheets. "You never did get around to telling me how the visit went. What's his name and stuff?" I lie down on my side of the bed and prop myself up with my elbow as I wait for him to come out of my bathroom. I'm really glad that we were able to just squash everything. Our first fight didn't last very long and I'm grateful for that. "Is he gonna call you with a date?"
He turns off my bathroom light and walks into my bedroom shirtless, wearing nothing but his boxers. "Robert Abrams is his name. And everything went pretty well. He basically told me that my mom has no chance of getting custody, which I already knew. It was nice to hear him say it though. He says that he's friends with a couple of people down at the courthouse so he's gonna see if he can get the hearing as soon as possible. He's gonna see if my brother and my sister will testify against my mom and he's gonna help m put in for a no contact order once everything is done. It looks good." He climbs into the bed next to me and lies down with his arm out. I take his invitation in stride and lay on his chest. He puts his arm around me and gets comfortable. "Everything's looking good for me."
"Good. I'm glad." I kiss his chest and close my eyes. After the day I had today, it's safe to say that all I really need is a good night's sleep. I'm so tired and I'm ready for this day to be over. "Hopefully he'll get the hearing in before she starts preschool. That would be great."
"Yeah, it would be." He mumbles. "I've got something to ask you, Jo…" I lift my head up to let him know that I'm listening. "…So the lawyer…he basically just told me that sometimes the judge rules in nobody's favor. He said that it's rare but it happens sometimes. And he said that in the event of that happening, he would like someone else to try and fight for. He wants a backup guardian, basically. Someone that he can push the judge towards giving full custody, in the event that neither me nor my mom win. I…I told him that I would want you to be the next person he fights for." My jaw drops but luckily, he can't really see it since we're sitting in darkness. ME? ME? He wants ME to have full custody of Lyla if he can't? What about his dad?! ME?! "I was thinking about it…and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if she can't have a dad, then I want her to have a mom. If she can't have a dad Jo, I want her to have a mom. And I mean…you. You're the best thing for her, besides me. You're the next best thing. So I told him you. I hope that's okay….would you do it?" I don't know what to say. I mean OF COURSE I'd do it but me? He picked me? He means to tell me that if some kind of disaster happens where the judge says no to him and no to his mother, he wants the judge to give Lyla to me? He wants me to have full custody of her if he can't? Me? "I'm just not comfortable with the idea of my dad and Michelle raising her forever. They're older and she's going to be a teenager and she's gonna need someone to help her with the teenager stuff. I just…I hope it's okay that I said you, Jo."
"…Of course it's okay, baby." I just can't believe he said me. I'm…I'm honored that he would even think of me in that situation. "You know I wouldn't have a problem with taking care of her for you if you couldn't. You know I would do it…" I'm in shock right now. "Thank you…"
"No, thank you." He rubs my back. "Now lie down…you had a tough day and I want you to get some rest." I do as he says and lie down on his chest. I'm still not over the fact that he basically just listed me as Lyla's legal guardian if he can't be. I mean, wow. He must really, really trust me. I can't believe he'd trust me with that. I'm honored that he thinks I could be a good mother to his daughter. I'm so flattered and shocked. I think I might cry. "…And while we're at it, can I ask you something else?" I nod my head against his chest. I can only handle but so much shock for one day though. I hope it's not as shocking as what he just dumped on me. "…Will you quit your job?"
….He could've asked me anything but that though.
