S2E10P2
Rick drove with hands tight on the wheel, his knuckles white from the pressure. Every now and then he had to flex them just to return some feeling to the muscles. He couldn't stop thinking about what Ava had said, about Carl and how he had been affected. He was a failure of a father. He'd been so caught up in dealing with Lori and Shane, Hershel and the walkers, and his feelings for Ava that he hadn't considered Carls' feelings much at all. The boy was too good at holding it together.
After a while the silence became too much and Rick stopped the car before stepping out. They were just before a crossroad, the surrounding grass silent and deserted. They were alone.
"I thought we were going further." Shane said, joining Rick outside the car with his shotgun in hand. They wandered up the road a bit.
"We are." Rick said. "18 miles out."
"So why are we stopping?"
"I wanted to talk. Been waiting a week till we were gonna do this, and with what Ava said earlier... I just wanna talk." Rick said.
"We don't need to." Shane shook his head.
"We do."
"No man, we don't. We're doing this. I get it. He was passed out when y'all brought him back, doesn't know where the farm is-"
"That isn't what I need to talk to you about." Rick said, cutting him off. Shane knew what he needed to talk to him about. It had been a long time coming, but Rick had put it off for the sake of keeping the group together. After everything Lori and Ava had told him though, he was beginning to think he'd left it too long.
"I heard what really happened at the school from Lori. Was it to survive?"
Shane looked away.
"Yeah. One of us wasn't gonna make it out. It had to be him. One shot to the leg, Carl lives. Reality is... He had no business being here – there. Whatever."
Rick nodded to himself, rubbing his chin.
"You don't think I would've done it?"
"No, man, I know you wouldn't have." Shane said, shaking his head.
"You don't think I can keep the group safe?" Rick said, narrowing his eyes.
"I didn't say that." Shane sighed.
"Or Carl? My son? A boy who is confused and messed up because of what he saw his mum and dad's best friend doing?"
"Shit, don't put that on me Rick. How's he gonna react when you and Ava stop beating around the damned bush?" Shane growled.
"Is it gonna have to be me too?"
"Rick, you can't just be the good guy and expect to live. Okay?" Shane said. "Not anymore."
Rick shifted, placing his hands on his hips and looking back to the car.
"I'm not the good guy anymore. To save Carl's life, I would've done anything. Anything." He moved closer to Shane, staring at him hard and with conviction. "Now Lori says you're dangerous, but you're not gonna be dangerous. Not to us, not to me, not anymore. How about you look at me?"
Shane looked up, his expression difficult to read but Rick could see the hurt in his eyes.
"Lori says she wants you back, huh?" Shane said.
"She says that. She doesn't mean it."
Shane scoffed, rubbing his head.
"Yeah, she don't want you. You're not strong enough for her, Rick, not able to do the things I can. She's only doing this cause of Ava."
"She's doing this because she didn't expect me to find someone else. The fact that I have, that I actually have feelings for Ava, is making her jealous, that's all. Quite frankly, man, if you love Lori and she loves you, go for it."
Shane blinked, surprised by Ricks' words. Rick shook his head and chuckled in disbelief at himself, at everything. He rubbed his face.
"When I first figured it out – and I figured it out pretty quickly – I wanted to break your jaw, let you choke on your teeth." Rick said, still chuckling lightly to himself. "But I didn't. Because I knew what me and Lori had was gone. So I'm telling you now that if she wants you, you can have her. When we get back, I'm talking to Carl and I'm going to explain everything with or without Lori. He deserves to know and he will."
He took a moment, watching Shane who stared at the tarmac at their feet, his expression unreadable.
"This has to stop, Shane. We can't keep dancing in this circle of love and hate. I'm clear on where I stand. I'm clear on where Ava stands. I'm pretty sure I'm clear on where you stand. We have to make this work because the only way you and me keep on... is that you accept everything I just said right here, right now, and we move forward with that understanding."
Shane looked up and out to the fields, licking his lips. After a few seconds of silence, Rick sighed and headed back towards the car.
"When it started it was just…it was a couple of weird stories on the news." Shane said. Rick slowed his pace and stopped. "Then it was so quick. Everything. It just happened. Two weeks later, I'm in the hospital and there were soldiers shooting people in the halls. They were shooting people, man, not walkers. Then the walkers came through. You know, I tried to get you out, I tried, but we weren't gonna make it. Man, there was no way and I knew it. But I couldn't live with it. I couldn't live, knowing…But I had to. I didn't keep Lori and Carl alive, man. They kept me alive."
Rick took a deep breath, his shoulders sagging with the weight of what had been left unsaid for so long finally coming out, but still he did not turn.
"I want you to know that I didn't look at her before that. Brother, if I could take it all back, I would."
Rick was surprised by the emotion in his voice as he said this and truly believed his friend. Shane may have gone off the rails, but he hoped beyond anything else that things would get better from here.
"I wanna check the ropes." Was all he said before heading back to the car.
Music blared from headphones in Randall's ears, leaking out when Rick opened the boot. He checked Randall's face, seeing he was coherent and well enough. As Shane joined him at the back of the car, he twisted Randall and tugged at the ropes on both his hands and his feet.
"It's all good." He said before pulling the blindfold back over the boys head.
