- Chapter 3: Peace of Mind

Something was wrong. I know. It sounds absurd when I say it at this point. I was convinced that there was something of cosmic importance that I was overlooking, and I had the strong impression that it involved seeing a fire descend from the skies. The impression lingered in my mind as I strolled down the sidewalk toward the cafe for a rendezvous with Yuki. Over and over in my mind, I kept having this strange impression of terror and sadness, but it was a strangely comforting impression. I also had this sense that at least things had worked out in a very personal way, and I couldn't shake the feeling that it had something to do with Yuki.

There was something wrong, but the one thing I was sure of was that it had nothing to do with Yuki. It was a comforting illusion, and I had no clue that it was an easy illusion to dispel, so it didn't occur to me that I might want to question all this certainty. Maybe it was the fact that I was just glad to be alive, and I could hold any uncertainty as trivial compared to the importance of existing. Maybe it was the fact that Yuki had seemed glad to have contacted me when she had arranged for this rendezvous. Maybe it was the fact that no matter how this turned out, my cat was waiting for me back at home.

In this whole mess, the one thing I still can't figure out is the mysterious appearance of this cat (which, for some weird reason, I knew was named Shamisen). I've thought of a lot of weird explanations for his being here, but none of them make any sense to me at this point. Please just bear with me and trust that this is as true as I can recall. And, for what it's worth, I did get some confirmation from Yuki about all this, later on. I think it's reasonable to trust that we aren't both nuts.

Even so, I had some reservations about this rendezvous. It seemed to me like this was the start of a chain of events that would lead to a disaster, or maybe that disaster was inevitable. I drew a lot of curious stares when I began going back and forth outside the cafe, considering whether I really wanted to get in it. Yeah, right. No, I don't think I could resist, even had I had a good reason to. And I didn't have a single good reason to not want to talk to her.

I was very glad to see her, and it put my mind at ease to see that I caught her attention. She put out her cigarette as I approached.

"Hey," I said. "What's up?"

"Please have a seat," she answered.

I sat down across from her and asked, "This about the club?"

"Why do you ask?" she answered.

I just softly replied, "I think I'll get some tea."

I don't know why I had asked that, but it just seemed like something my tongue had wanted to say. Maybe I was stuck on autopilot in that moment.

I then remarked, "You wouldn't call me about some club thing, I guess."

"No," she agreed.

I added, "I've been having a lot of trouble studying, lately. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the cold weather."

She then stated, "Maybe it's difficult to study when you have personal problems."

"Did I just hear you right?" I asked.

"What?" she asked.

"Are you saying you want to help with my personal problems?" I asked. It had seemed like a very leading question, and in particular the kind of question I had been hoping she would ask.

"Yes," she answered.

"I thought you were maybe just being polite," I explained.

"Really?" she asked.

"Not really," I answered. "What was I thinking?"

- x -

My personal problems are fairly complicated, to put it mildly. I suspect that Yuki is the same way, only her issues are much more easy to understand. Nothing that couldn't be sorted out with a little TV. There was a movie just starting that I had been meaning to watch, so I started watching that. Yuki was content to read, sitting next to me. Very nice. I found myself thinking that life should be more like this more often.

After a few minutes, I saw Shamisen approach, looking for all the world like a perfectly ordinary cat.

"Hey, Shamisen," I said, and then he meowed at me. He then looked content and watched TV along with me.

A few minutes later, I noticed Yuki looking at the cat very curiously. It seemed as though she were studying him.

"Something the matter?" I gently asked.

"You call the cat Shamisen?" she inquired.

"Yeah," I replied.

"I was wondering..." she started to ask.

I explained, "It just struck me as a funny name."

She stopped reading and began looking at the TV.

"You never noticed?" I asked, thinking about how I had known the cat for years.

"What are you watching?" she asked.

"Some weird comedy," I answered. "I like it. It's about this woman who finds a stack of love letters. She only knows the initials of the people who wrote them, and she's trying to guess who they belong to."

"Okay," she said.

"I'm glad you're coming around," I confessed.

"You are?" she asked.

"I love this side of you," I answered. "It's really cute."

"I have my moments," she remarked.

I smiled and added, "I always figured you were a romantic, deep down inside."

Shamisen then leaped up onto the sofa and sat in my lap.

I then complained to Yuki, "You took your time, though."

"I am an alien," she explained.

"And that explains it?" I wondered.

"Trust me," she answered.

As usual, this was the understood signal that she didn't really know, and she didn't want to know. I had the feeling that I should just believe her, and that it was really important, so I decided to do that. "Okay," I said.

"Okay?" she asked.

"I believe it," I added.

"Thank you," she said, returning to her book.

- x -

For being an alien android, Yuki does give the very convincing illusion of being a beautiful young woman with a clean slate mentality and a methodical approach to any conceivable situation. She had no trouble at all helping me with my personal problems that night, and I highly recommend this way of handling anything personal. In fact, she seemed pretty receptive to anything I felt like sharing, and I absolutely did feel like sharing quite a lot.

As much as I loved being with her that evening, that's how much it began to bother me that she had insisted on her alien status the next morning. I mean, aliens aren't real. That was just some ridiculous fantasy that Haruhi had created back when she was a brat. At least, that's what I had always told myself. It was slowly dawning on me that Haruhi was transforming the world into her fantasy. Hell, maybe there were time travelers and espers walking around, too.

Some strange impulse made me go by a pastry shop near the college, and I spotted Haruhi inside. I then decided to go harass her, as this was too good to pass up.

"Hey," I said, waving a greeting.

"Oh, hi!" she answered. "Have a seat."

I sat across from her, saying, "Thanks, I think I will."

"I was in a mood," she explained, "so I thought I'd have something sweet."

"Don't you normally hate places like this?" I asked.

"I know," she answered. "I'm in a really weird mood today. It's like I'm riding in a plane on my way to China, or something."

"It's an alien morning," I added.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"I don't know," I answered. "Maybe you'll get lucky and find one."

She then asked, "You do know that aliens are real, right?"

I answered, "I didn't use to think so, but..."

She laughed and complained, "Don't tell me you're starting to believe."

Since she was in a good mood, I then decided to get something out of her. "Let me ask you: What exactly did this time-traveling me tell you?"

"That aliens were real," she promptly answered.

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"It really makes you think."

"You said you go to school everyday with a couple of them and that there are others, lurking in the shadows."

Yuki had frequently made reference to Ryoko Asakura being her "subordinate," and she also sometimes made reference to other aliens. I was at once struck by the familiarity of the concept, though my reaction had always been denial.

Haruhi continued, "You then introduced me to this pretty girl who was from the distant future. That might explain why I haven't seen her yet."

I frowned and added, "This other me obviously didn't know you very well." Had you sent me back in time to Haruhi's first year of middle school, I would have never made that mistake.

"Oh..." she said, looking surprised. "Well, that explains it."

"You figured it out?" I asked.

"Yeah," she answered. "I'm just now remembering that he said he was a time-traveling slider. Somehow, I forgot the slider part and just assumed he would become you, three years later."

"Awkward," I remarked, thinking of how Haruhi had indeed made that weird assumption.

"That's putting it mildly," she grimly added. "Imagine my disappointment."

"I'm trying not to," I sincerely stated. I didn't feel like ruining the mood.

"Well, then," she said, putting a cookie down on her plate. "Let me describe it. For three long years, I kept telling myself that everything would be explained once I could find you and have a nice, long chat with you. I then found out that you were like a completely clean slate. You didn't believe a word I said."

"That's true," I commented.

She continued, "I told myself it was okay, since time travel does have some weird side effects. No problem. I'd just have to find that girl."

I asked, "You could remember her, after three years?"

"It was dark at the time," she admitted, "but I doubt I would have had trouble remembering her. Especially because she spoke to me. She has a very distinctively wispy voice. You don't just forget something like that."

"I see," I said. "So, when you couldn't find her..."

"Yeah," Haruhi stated, suddenly looking a little depressed. "I felt like I had gotten off of a plane headed to France, only to find myself in Siberia instead."

Just then, Koizumi entered the shop with his usual cheerful expressions.

"Oh, hey," I said. "Hello."

"Hello," he answered. "Nice to see you two."

Haruhi then asked him, "Why don't you join us? We were just reminiscing."

"You like France?" I asked her, having deduced that from her previous statement.

"I love it," she answered. "I wish I could go there more."

Koizumi then sat with us.

I remarked, "It gets pretty cold there, from what I hear."

"It's not that different from Japan," she said.

"Maybe you should move there," I suggested.

"No way," she immediately answered.

Koizumi asked her, "Why not? You don't like the culture?"

She replied, "I just can't relate to a place like that on any level. It's a nice place to visit, but Japan is a lot nicer."

Even so, I had the impression that Haruhi was about to leave Japan for a few years. If not France, then where? The thought was troublesome, so I went back to the other topic.

"So," I asked, "aliens are real? And time travelers?"

"That's right," she answered.

I then complained, "The problem is that time travelers can't leave anything alone."

"Yeah," she agreed. "That's it. Exactly. You get maybe ten or so different worlds, and any crazy thing can happen."

I then looked at Koizumi and remarked, "You seem awfully quiet on the issue. What do you think?"

He very nicely answered, "I wouldn't be surprised if aliens or time travelers turned out to be real."

"What about espers?" Haruhi asked.

"Oh..." he replied. "Well, I highly doubt that those exist."

"Really?" she asked. "Because they seem even more likely than aliens or time travelers."

"I agree," I said. "I would have believed in espers long before I started believing in aliens or time travelers."

"That does sound reasonable," he admitted. "Even so, if there were such a thing, they would undoubtedly keep to themselves. And how would you ever discover them?"

"That's true," she said. "The hunt continues."

"Indeed," he said, looking relieved.

I just sat there and wondered how he could lie to Haruhi with such a straight face. Amazing.

- x -

When we left the shop, Koizumi decided to go with me to the college. He was still maintaining the pretense of just being a college student, after all. That would have to change soon, though the problem of a world-ending disaster would likely get in the way of those plans.

I remarked, "I didn't realize you were such a pastry nut."

He sighed and asked, "You won't tell anyone, will you?"

I laughed and answered, "Probably not."

"That would ruin my reputation," he stated.

I then added, "It takes a big man to lie to someone's face."

"So, you actually believe I'm an esper?" he asked.

"I never had any reason to not believe it," I answered.

"That is surprising," he admitted.

Yeah. I did have one reason to reject the notion of espers. I informed him, "It just seemed like a gateway to believing other weird things I didn't want to accept."

He then remarked, "I've been trying to leave the organization, actually."

"Oh?" I asked.

He then asked me, "I don't suppose you're interested in joining in my place?"

I answered, "Ten years ago, maybe. Nowadays..."

"I know what you mean," he said, nodding sympathetically.

"What's her problem?" I asked.

"You mean, Miss Suzumiya?" he said.

"Yeah," I answered.

He answered, "She has a lot on her mind. I think it's perfectly understandable."

I explained, "I just don't get how she can be so self-contradictory."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

I replied, "I finally come around on these issues, and that's not even good enough for her. What does she want?"

I looked at Koizumi, and he just shrugged. This was a mystery, and he had sometimes asked me that very same question.

I then wondered, "Is her ego so big that she even gets in her own way?"

"Hmm..." he said, thinking for a moment. "Well, I don't know. I think it's fair to say that she's caught up in a terrible dilemma."

"A dilemma?" I prompted.

He answered, "She has this craving for importance and acknowledgement, but she can't handle the slightest thought of responsibility."

"I see," I said.

He then hastily added, "I'm not criticizing, though. In a way, it's really the perfect attitude. I just can't make myself sympathize, and I can only deal with her on a strictly rational level."

I then realized, "So, you aren't really qualified to weigh in on this issue of ego."

"Exactly," he answered.

"So, you're really useless," I needled him.

He then mentioned, "I think there might also be the matter of Miss Nagato."

"Really?" I asked.

"I think she knows about that," he said.

"You think she's upset about it?" I guessed.

"I'm saying," he answered, "it might relate to the issue of her ego."

"Oh," I said.

- x -

Now that he'd brought it up, it started to bother me. I mean, whatever Haruhi thinks is really beyond my capacity to notice, let alone actually care about. I happen to know that she is extremely emotional about everything, and she always makes a huge deal out of the tiniest things that happen to her or anyone around her. No surprise if she was a little jealous, but then she was probably jealous about Koizumi and Kida and maybe even Asakura. I doubt she had any trouble being envious of anyone's happiness, no matter how humble their situation.

Still, I have to admit that I really wanted Yuki. Not just to be with her but in every other sense of the word. I wanted her so much it scared me a little, and I found myself thinking a lot about where she might be and what she might be doing. It was hilarious, and I could picture myself as if from outside myself, but I often found myself thinking along those lines. I didn't want to disappoint her, so it was very disturbing that she'd kept repeating the theme of how she wanted me to realize that she was an alien. It seemed to me like more than just subtle hinting. I should also admit that I'm a little insecure about this kind of thing. If Yuki expects me to fulfill certain expectations, I really want to make sure those expectations are met, somehow.

As I strode down the hallway at college, I noticed Asakura. If anyone could understand, I thought, it would be her. So, I approached her.

"Hey," I said.

"Hello," she answered. "Between classes?"

"I've got the holiday season stuck in my head, actually," I said, as a nice way to transition into asking a favor.

"That's too bad," she remarked, looking both cheerful and somewhat sad.

"You have a minute?" I then asked.

"Something on your mind?" she guessed.

"It's about Nagato," I answered.

"Okay," she said. "May as well get this over with."

We then went out together to the courtyard between a couple of the buildings.

"I hope this isn't something sordid," she said.

"No," I answered. "It's just that something has me worried."

"Well," she said, "feel free to share. I always have time for you."

"Thanks," I sincerely stated. "I appreciate it."

"Well...?" she asked. "Don't keep me in the dark."

I went and found a bench, and then I sat there. Asakura followed, smiling and looking cheerful in spite of me struggling to find a way to say what was on my mind. I stared at the nearby trees for a few moments.

I asked, "Yuki is an alien, right?"

"That's right," she answered.

"And you know because you are one, as well," I added.

"Don't sound so dramatic," she softly scolded me. "It's no big deal."

I then explained, "Yuki really emphasized it to me this morning. I felt like it was really important to believe her. You know? Like life and death important."

"Oh," Asakura said, looking a little surprised, but also relieved. "Well, Nagato has these crazy ideas."

"I can't help but think I screwed something up," I admitted.

"Yeah," she said. "But don't worry. I mean, it's not like you can do anything about it."

"So," I said, "I'm not just dreaming it? This really is a serious situation?"

She then sat next to me and gave me a serious look.

"It's a disaster waiting to happen, right?" I asked.

"Yeah, but so what?" she casually remarked. "I mean, you can't live your life like you think you've only got one day left, can you? You'd die of desperation. Every moment would be a disappointment."

"You really think so?" I asked.

"Trust me," she answered. "I know what I'm talking about."

"So, why was Yuki so insistent?" I asked.

"Like I said," Asakura answered. "Nagato had this crazy idea that your trust issues were what was causing everything. I tried to tell her, but does she ever listen to me?"

"And it's hopeless?" I asked.

"Yeah," she answered, briefly looking a little sad. "Sorry. I wish I could say otherwise."

I sighed and stated, "I still feel bad about it. I mean, Haruhi really did expect me to have all the answers."

"You've done enough," Asakura insisted. "Don't feel bad about it."

A cold gust of wind whipped by at that moment. I wondered if she was really okay with all this. I mean, the world was about to end, for heaven's sake.

"Is that what you really think?" I asked, disbelieving.

"Yeah," she answered. "Just don't do anything really crazy like fall for her. I don't know what I'd do if that happened."

"What?" I said, a little shocked at this confession. "Are you jealous?"

"I am never jealous," she immediately retorted.

Okay... She wasn't jealous, then. I know what you're thinking. 'The girl doth protest too much.' Yeah, no. Actually, Ryoko Asakura has a lot of trouble being dishonest. I would know if she had said that insincerely. I've heard her tell quite a few lies, and she really sucks at it. So, why exactly would she hate to see me fall for Haruhi? Or did she really mean Yuki?

"Don't give me that look," she protested.

"You didn't know that I was seeing Yuki?" I guessed.

"What?" she said. "No, I knew."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes, really," she answered. "And I don't have a problem with it."

"I'm sorry, but I..." I admitted, now totally confused.

"And I'm not gay," she added, "if that's what you're thinking."

"Okay..." I said, then realizing that she was insisting that she wasn't jealous. "Well, now I'm just confused."

She explained, "You know the kind of things I like, right?"

"Right," I answered. Games, toys, and chatting with her friends.

"My work gets in the way," she said.

"Your work?" I wondered.

She answered, "My job is to observe Miss Suzumiya. You get it, now?"

"Hmm..." I said, starting to think about that.

She then supplied, "If you enter that equation, my job gets monotonous."

"How does that happen?" I asked. Purely as a hypothetical, of course.

She then explained, "It's like yin and yang. She becomes your chaos, and you become her order. You make her even more boringly predictable than she usually is, which is pretty damn boring to begin with. On top of all that, you have a knack for defusing anything that comes along and threatens to make that situation interesting."

"I see," I said, recoiling mentally at that image. "Well, if it's any consolation, I can't see myself getting involved with her. Ever."

"That's a relief," she said, smiling very sincerely.

"In fact," I added, "feel free to put me out of my misery if you ever do see me in that situation."

She gasped and protested, "Don't tell me that. I might feel obligated to really do it."

- x -

I then decided to take in a little baseball. There was a small, unofficial game in progress at a nearby field, so I figured I would watch. How often do you get to see a baseball game in late autumn? It was nice and familiar, and I needed some of that.

I think the human mind can only handle so much weirdness in an average day. Between Yuki's crazy ideas and this weird dream that wasn't so much a dream as much as some weird memory of the world repeatedly being destroyed, I'd had enough weirdness to last for the next week or two at least.

I sat in one of the nearby bleachers and cheered at what seemed like the appropriate times for it. It was fun.

"Hey!" said a familiar voice next to me.

"Oh, hello," I said, recognizing Taniguchi when I looked around. He'd snuck up on me when I hadn't been looking.

"Are you a betting man?" he asked.

"Not this again," I muttered, recognizing this situation. Taniguchi has a bad gambling problem, and I can never just tell him no.

"I have a good feeling about this team," he remarked.

I then inquired, "You always do this, you know? Maybe you should stop."

He answered, "Don't you feel sorry for me? I mean, I'm always so close."

"How much you want this time?" I asked.

"Just fifty," he replied. "You know what? I only need twenty. That'll work."

"Sheesh," I said, taking out my wallet. "You're such a degenerate."

"I know," he admitted. "Terrible, huh?"

I handed him a twenty and asked, "Aren't you a college student?"

"Yeah," he answered, "but I still have bills to pay."

I then remarked, "At this rate, I'll be surprised if you aren't forced to drop out."

He protested, "I can find time to be a degenerate gambler and study, you know?"

"You have a busy schedule," I said, a little snidely.

"Not busy enough," he complained. "I overheard that you were seen with Miss Asakura."

"You still have a thing for her?" I asked.

"How could I not?" he exclaimed. "What a knockout."

"That must go over well with your dates," I commented.

"What?" he then stated. "That I have such limitless devotion? Admit it. I'm a romantic."

"Only in the classic sense of the word," I supplied.

"What does that mean?" he asked.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the many senses of the word "romantic," the classic one pertains to being absurd, profane, and impious. A more modern rendition would identify you as amorous and unrealistic. It is indeed debatable which sense applies better to a lecherous young man like this. In some ways, Taniguchi really was admirable. That is to say, I did admire his devotion to the art of being lecherous.

"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe you're right."

"Heck, yeah. I'm right," he said. "Time to go make us rich."

I sighed and sneered, "Yeah, right."

- x -

I went back to my place, discovering to my vast pleasure how Yuki had been waiting. She may be an alien, but she has certain human qualities that I find very hard to resist. I think my ancestors can forgive me being a little indulgent in these types of situations. I mean, we were about to get incinerated. It just felt right to mock nature in this situation. And it's not like nature was going to be any less well provided once Haruhi restarted us back to yesterday evening (which seemed like the pattern, now that I'd thought about it).

In fact, the pattern was becoming so familiar, that I wasn't really all that concerned. Before long, I began to notice even trivial things like the fact that Shamisen was suddenly missing. I then started looking for him while Yuki was reading.

"Have you seen Shamisen?" I asked her, after having looked everywhere at my place.

"No," she answered.

"You didn't let him out, did you?" I then asked her.

"He was here when I left," she stated.

"Strange," I remarked, wondering what could have happened.

"He is a cat," she explained.

"Yeah," I said, realizing. "This isn't the first time."

"Yes," she agreed.

I sat next to her, and she looked up at me.

"I had an interesting conversation today," I informed her.

"Oh?" she asked.

"You think I have trust issues?" I asked her.

"You did," she answered. "That situation has been resolved."

"So," I concluded, "we've fixed the problem."

"Perhaps," she said, "but we won't know until the time is upon us."

"So, Miss Asakura could be wrong," I wondered.

"Yes," Yuki said.

"But she usually is right," I remarked. "You know? When you disagree about things."

Yuki then started to glare at me, and this seemed like it could become a problem.

"Don't get me wrong," I added. "I like it that you're so optimistic."

She then stated, "There is a purpose to everything that Miss Suzumiya does."

"You think so?" I asked.

She answered, "Whenever I explain to you my purpose, you always cloud your own understanding with confused explanations of dubious origins."

"The genetic mutations thing again?" I asked, thinking of a very confusing explanation she had given me back in high school.

"Correct," she said. "You do not understand how mutations work."

"Well then," I invited, "enlighten me. How exactly does that work?"

She answered, "You have been informed that mutations are random in nature. That is incorrect. Mutations are highly dynamic, but that demands a much more robust approach to their study."

"Seems pretty random to me," I remarked.

She explained, "What you perceive is a pattern called turbulence. I believe that it says more about the observer than the subject to call such a pattern random."

"Okay," I said, thinking for a moment. "So, you're exploring the nature of mutations."

She then corrected, "I'm pointing out to you that you need to assess your understanding. You should question yourself rather than immediately pose doubts to things I have told you numerous times."

"And this process has a purpose for Haruhi?" I asked, connecting the dots of this conversation.

"Perhaps," she answered.

"And when this world ends?" I prompted.

She answered, "If this temporal anomaly is reverted, will you remember?"

"I don't know," I replied.

She then added, "I stated that there is a purpose. Not that her purpose was adequate to her needs, or anyone else's for that matter."

"That sounds conveniently redundant," I remarked, starting to get a feel for what she was saying.

"Is it?" she asked. "Do you understand how the process of her purpose works?"

"There's a process?" I wondered.

She answered, "There is a process in anything you observe. In Suzumiya's purposes, there is also a very crude process."

"That's news to me," I complained.

"It's shouldn't be," she said. "You've seen this process many times."

"I have?" I asked, trying to think back.

Yuki asked, "When you help her compose music. How exactly does that work?"

"I don't know," I answered. "I've never really thought about it."

She explained, "She devotes some attention to you. You convert that energy into inspiration. You focus it into your emotions and convert that into sound. That sound becomes a kind of acknowledgement of her devotion, which she converts to a vocalization. In this way, the process sustains itself."

What any of that had to do with genetics or mutations was still doubtful, but it was nice to know. Actually, I was a little sad to learn all that. I remarked, "You have a knack for spoiling the mystery in things."

"Will mystery save this world?" she asked.

"I doubt it," I answered.

She then added, "If it is her purpose, she will destroy the world and create it again."

"What can we do about it?" I asked.

Yuki then surprised me by saying pretty much the same thing as Asakura: "You have already done what you could. You affirmed her perspective." She then added, "That acknowledgement will restore the status of her ego."

"And if you're wrong?" I asked.

"I have prepared for that eventuality, as well," she said, taking out a bottle of vodka.

"I don't think getting drunk will solve anything," I said.

"No," she agreed. "It won't."