A Marauder's Guide to Falling Apart

PART THREE

Written by alliegrl


Chapter Twelve

The Christmas holidays were over before Marlene could blink an eye. She begrudgingly took her test to get her apparition license after Sirius pointed out that she had been doing it successfully for the last month. Despite her hesitation, she had successfully passed on the first attempt. It had been something to celebrate as the holiday season wrapped up and the return to school loomed closer.

The only thing she could look forward to about returning to St. Mungo's was the fact that she would not be returning to the Potion and Plant Poisoning unit. Or more specifically, she would not have to endure being under Donna's direct supervision ever again.

Sirius had taken a few days off from pursuing Order business which made it all that more unbearable for her to roll out of bed the first morning of training and return to St. Mungo's.

"I was wondering if you had moved out," Emmeline was sipping a cup of something steaming when Marlene walked into the kitchen.

"Hah," she said dryly. She had spent the better part of the last week over at Sirius's flat and had not seen Emmeline in a number of days; how many she couldn't be certain.

"Do you know where you're moving to next in rotation?" she changed the subject but not before returning a wry smile and raising her eyebrows suggestively. Marlene ignored the gesture while preparing herself some toast.

"No, the notice should be posted already at the hospital. Likely it's been there for a while now but I couldn't stand the thought of going in early over the break to check it."

"I'm hoping you'll get placed in Creature Induced Injuries, that way I might actually get to see you once in a while."

"Oh shove it," Marlene said, trying her best not to flush. "I wasn't gone that long."

Emmeline was laughing though. With all of the tension she had endured over the holidays it was nice to hear her laughter break through it. She spent the remainder of her breakfast listening to her friend talk about all of the recent happenings at the hospital over the previous week. It wasn't until she had swallowed the last remnants of her toast that she realized Emmeline was still dressed in her pajamas.

"Day off?" she questioned before raising a glass of orange juice to her lips.

"Yes and it's about time," Emmeline swatted a strand of hair that had fallen into her face. Marlene observed that she had recently cut her hair much shorter than usual, but her bangs still hung low enough to be considered a nuisance.

"You should cut those," she said absently. Emmeline shrugged; she had never been one to worry that much about appearances and Marlene presumed that she didn't care all that much to put any more effort than was necessary.

"I can think of much better uses of my time than worry about cutting more of my hair," she rolled her eyes.

"You're a witch," Marlene said pointedly, eyes narrowing slightly. "It would take you less than ten seconds."

"Yes but that's still ten seconds longer I could put towards doing absolutely nothing."

Marlene couldn't resist rolling her eyes.


The hospital was very busy when Marlene arrived. She was partly relieved to be back, but also quite nervous. She had been enjoying the time she had had with Sirius over the previous week and didn't want to go back to her regular routine out of fear that it would pull them apart again.

But Sirius assured her that he was going to make more time for her, and she promised not to be so angry about his need to put the Order at a higher priority from time to time. When she had a clearer head it was easy for her to see that distracting Sirius with her petty anger could have serious, if not life ending, consequences in his line of work. She would need to try to understand a little bit harder.

She convinced herself that St. Mungo's was the best place to distract her from worrying so much about him. Keeping busy with school was surely the best way to occupy her mind on things that weren't Sirius Black.

"Looks like you're with me this term," Patrick was waiting by the placement posting when she arrived. She offered him a friendly smile; at least she would have a more pleasant experience this term around than she did with her previous preceptor Donna.

"I'm sure there will be interesting things to see," she laughed. His eyes twinkled.

"Not sure we'll see anything half as interesting as what you brought in the wing," he whispered cheekily.

Once Freya, Natasha, and Douglas had joined alongside them, Patrick led them towards the unit on the fifth floor. It was obvious that Natasha found him attractive by the way she was fluttering her eye lashes and tossing her hair over her shoulder whenever he looked at her. Marlene found it highly entertaining to watch.

"Spell damage unit can have some pretty interesting cases," Patrick offered her a wink. Natasha's scowl was apparent. "Charms are much more useful here than your skills in potions. We'll be practicing a lot on each other. We'll start with some small stuff and eventually work on some more complicated things. My goal is to have you working with patients within the next month."

Thankfully, Natasha was paired up with Douglas. Freya was a nice girl; albeit quiet. But she was friendly and Marlene found her easy to get along with.

The day was spent practicing small anti-jinx spells and a brush up discussion on dark magic including commonly seen hexes, jinxes and curses that may be seen within the wing. Patrick explained that more and more cases related to last damage of the cruiciatus curse were coming through the doors. Although he did not specify why, Marlene's mind raced back to her recent encounter with Bellatrix Black.

"How've you been enjoying the program so far?" Patrick asked her at the end of the day. Natasha was hovering around, taking longer than usual to gather her things. Marlene couldn't help but think that she had intended to speak to Patrick.

"Uh, it's okay," Marlene said slowly. She truly didn't know how she felt about it on account of her disastrous start.

"It gets better," he reassured her. "Hey, we should grab a drink or something sometime."

His offer seemed friendly enough but two things crossed her mind immediately. First of all, the looks that Natasha were shooting at her made her question whether such interaction outside of training were considered appropriate. And secondly, she knew how Sirius felt about Patrick and didn't really want to go down that road.

"I'm not sure I have anytime right now," she tried to sound polite. "You know, with studying and all that."

"Well you need to make time to socialize," he grinned. "We'll talk again in the next few weeks when you get into a better routine around here!"

Although the day wasn't overly exciting, she arrived home feeling discouraged and forlorn. Emmeline wasn't in the flat when she arrived, and Sirius wasn't answering the mirror. She contemplated apparating to the Potter's to visit Lily since they hadn't talked much since she stormed out of their cottage during the holidays.

But thinking about Lily, married and pregnant, made her feel sad. Marlene didn't really know what to feel anymore. For so long she had known she would become a Healer, and now that she was in the program she hadn't ever felt so lost.

She knew it wasn't going to be easy; she had been told this numerous times.

Eventually, she tired of pitying herself and pulled open some medical textbooks to catch up on some reading.


She didn't see Sirius again for another two weeks. She had settled into a nice routine in the Spell Damage Unit and had been feeling a lot more confident and reassured about a career in Healing. Having a proper preceptor definitely made the experience; Donna had been a nightmare, and Patrick was very encouraging and optimistic.

But as she walked into the Potter's cottage to have dinner with James, Lily, and Sirius, she felt an instant sense of guilt when Lily asked how school was going. Sirius was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter when she walked in. He crossed the room to give her a hug when Lily addressed her and her stomach constricted as his arms moved around her, and not because his grip was too tight.

It wasn't as if she were doing anything wrong. Patrick was her preceptor and she had absolutely no say in the matter if she wanted to complete the program. But because Sirius had a strong dislike for him, she felt uncomfortable, even wrong, admitting out loud to him that she spent every day with him.

Instead, she decided not to say anything at all. And that's what made her feel wrong about it.

"It was alright," she said simply, swallowing her guilt. "How have you been doing?"

Marlene's eyes wandered to Lily's abdomen where the slightest raised bump had begun to form. She definitely didn't look pregnant but she was glowing with excitement and had never looked more radiant. Marlene felt another momentary surge of jealousy before she pushed it out of her mind. She was happy for her friends. And she had Sirius, arms still wrapped around her affectionately. She nuzzled her head into his chest, taking in the familiar scent that belonged only to him.

"Much better now that we're into the second trimester," she smiled. "The last few weeks were a bit rough. Things started getting better last week and I've had a burst of energy. Poor Alice though, she's still feeling quite off."

Lily and Alice had been spending a lot of time together. Marlene was happy that they had each other but she would be lying to herself to say that she wasn't sad she and Lily hadn't spoken in a while.

At Hogwarts things had been so different. They had been easy, and for the most part they were carefree. When Marlene only had Transfiguration to worry about, or how not to get murdered by her friend that was a werewolf – even though she didn't know he was her friend at the time. Sneaking out with invisibility cloaks to the astronomy tower, avoiding the likes of Severus Snape. They all seemed so simple compared to the new life that she and her friends were leading. And she felt a pang of sadness that everything had changed so quickly.

What she wouldn't give to go back one more day to play exploding snap around the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room, listening to Lily scream at James for something or other.

The evening felt similar though; the four of them sat quietly in the living room talking about things that did not have to do with Voldemort and the Order. It felt normal. Or as normal as Marlene could ask for.

"So I never did ask you which unit you're working on," Lily suddenly changed the subject from her sister Petunia's recent pregnancy announcement.

"Oh," Marlene felt the familiar lurch in her stomach. It wasn't a big deal, really. Sirius likely wouldn't even care at all. She was overthinking it. "I'm in the Spell Damage unit this term."

She had tried to sound casual. Lily and James seemed to think nothing of it but she could have sworn she felt Sirius's body tense beside her.

"What sort of things are you doing in there?" Lily continued, "Have you seen – "

"Isn't that where Patrick works?" Sirius interrupted. So Marlene hadn't imagined it after all.

"Uh – yes," she said slowly. Then she readdressed Lily. "Nothing interesting so far, really. We're just doing some simple stuff with charms. I should get to start working with patients in the next week or two."

"So do you see him there?" Sirius interrupted again.

"Yes," Marlene drew in a breath. "He's my preceptor."

There was definitely a moment of awkward silence. She looked sideways at Sirius but his face was blank; emotionless. But she could tell that he was silently brewing with emotions on the inside.

"That's nice that you know someone," Lily's voice wavered slightly. But she had a genuine smile that reached her eyes. "I know that Natasha – "

"Were you going to tell me?" Sirius cut in rudely. Finally he turned to look at Marlene. His brows were knitted together with obvious irritation.

"I didn't think it was important," she lied, hoping that her expression didn't betray her. She never was really good at hiding emotions well. As if looking for just that she watched his eyes searching her face for a trace of deceit. It actually angered her, even though she knew the guilt in her stomach had told her earlier it was wrong to keep this from him.

"I don't like him," he said firmly.

"I know that," Marlene sighed. "But I don't get to decide who teaches me and who doesn't. If I did do you really think I would have kept on with Donna last term?"

"Patricks' a tool," James laughed. "But don't let him get under your skin, Sirius. Not worth it, man."

Sirius's mood didn't seem to lighten much after that. Marlene tried her best to ignore it for the remainder of the evening, but they didn't stay much longer anyway as Lily was ready for bed. She blamed it on the pregnancy; she hadn't slept well the night before and was extra tired.

As they left the Potter's cottage, the unspoken question lingered in Marlene's mind. She wasn't sure whether she and Sirius would be going back to his flat after. They stood awkwardly on the pathway that led into the streets of Godric's Hollow and she turned to him.

"I don't want to fight with you anymore," she said with concern.

"Neither do I Mar," he ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I just wish you would have told me."

"What difference does it make? I love you," she stood firm. "You. Despite the arrogant, self-righteous, reckless man that you are, I love you. And Patrick doesn't change that. He has no part of my life except to teach me how to do my job."

"I'm sorry," the furrow of his brown lessened. He looked as sad as Marlene felt inside. It was tearing her in part to constantly feel this way around him. "I don't mean to fight with you all the time."

"I know you don't," she said sadly. "I just wish that we didn't have to keep apologizing for everything. I should have told you, and I'm sorry."

Sirius took her hand in his and gave her a light squeeze. "No more secrets?"

In a time where the world was falling apart around them, and secrets were the only thing that gave humanity a sliver of hope against the Dark Lord, she knew that he couldn't possibly keep such a promise. And though she doubted that either one of them could promise to keep it, she answered against her better judgement.

"No more secrets."