Sorry for the long wait. Here are some jokes:

Corny Joke Corner:

What do you call…

An alligator in a vest?

Investigator.

A fish with no eye?

Fssshhh.

A bee that lives in America?

USB.

A bear with no teeth?

Gummy bear.

A fake noodle?

Impasta.

Two crows on a branch?

Attempted murder.

A chef that can't cook?

Hatchet


Total Drama © Fresh TV Inc. & Teletoon


Total Drama Redemption

Day Fifty (50)

Seven weeks had gone by on the island like it was nothing. I could hardly believe that I had lasted this long. It seems like I keep thinking about it every day, but I really mean it. Who would have thought that a guy previously voted off third was now one challenge away from making it to the final three?

I owe it all to the dodgeball challenge. Ever since I got my ass off the sidelines, I've realized how far I can go. While I'm still not any closer to figuring out how I ended up here in the first place, I'm happy that I made it this far. And now, there were just three more challenges to go.

I know that deducing why and how I had been sent back in time should have been my priority, and frankly, when I first got here, it was my main priority. But then the competition took over and I barely had time to think about it.

You forget the little things when you're in a reality show. That's good in some ways and bad in others. Not that we being sent back in time was a 'little thing', but I decided not to strain my brain over it and just go with the flow.

I had been on The Island for fifty days. It had grown on me. So much so that I started referring to it as an actual person.

It was like an actual person anyway. The Island had changed us. It had impacted the four of us for better or for worse. For some, it only changed them minutely, and for others majorly. But I doubt that anyone can say that they weren't altered in some way, shape or form by their stay here on the island.

Be it Ezekiel, who left first, Owen, who was usually as cool as a cucumber, or Heather, who had somehow managed to turn us all against each other and was a so-called expert on reality shows. We had all lost it at some point. It was either the physicality of challenges, the tension of the elimination ceremonies or the guilt of harming people whom we had just met, or a combination of all three.

It all began to build and mount until finally… we explode. Even the most calm and collected person can crack when faced with enough pressure. That's what The Island had shown us. Each and every one of us has a breaking point. We may not think so. We may deny it, but it's true.

Yeah. Some of those challenges were pretty brutal.

Madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little push. For the twenty-two of us, joining Total Drama Island was that push. It wasn't a 'little' push, obviously, but most people act rather differently when they're in the spotlight. Unfortunately for some, they wouldn't change even if they were out of the spotlight as opposed to how they really are.

Or was their act on the show really their true nature, and the way they act in the normal world a façade? We all wear masks. One hides the face, and one is the face. This much is true for all of us.

As for me, The Island had changed me, yes. But I had always been a sarcastic wiseass. Joining TDI had only increased my cynical tendencies. It had changed me forever. I can honestly say that auditioning for Total Drama Island was both the worst and best thing that I had ever done. I realize that it wasn't the producer's or Chris's fault. The fault was entirely on me. The way that I had acted on the island the first time was pretty stupid.

It was because I had a sharp tongue and rarely thought before using said tongue. But now that I had seen and experienced the resulting consequences, I had seen the error of my ways and attempted to rectify them. And it was going well so far.

We had all been tested and pushed to the limit. Total Drama Island had shown us the extent that some people would be willing to go for a hundred thousand dollars.

Small children wouldn't see what the big deal is. Poor naïve toddlers. Money is just a bunch of strips of papers with words and pictures on them.

These were all the thoughts that were running through my head as I was showering for only The Flying Spaghetti Monster knows how long.

As I stepped out of the washroom with new clothes, I saw Chef with a hammer in one hand and some nails in the other. At this sight, most people would have assumed that the theory that Chef really was a cold-blooded killer and gotten out of there as fast as they could. But upon further inspection, I noticed that Chef was actually hammering the nails into two blocks of wood.

He was fixing the Girl's Cabin. Or rather Gwen's Cabin, since she's the only girl left.

I thought about all of that the four of us had talked about in the treehouse as we were abandoned on that other island.

On the surface, the four of us all seemed so different. There was a rebel, a Goth, a bookworm and a party animal. But after hearing all the things that they had to say, the things that made them what they were, I realized that we weren't so different after all.

Sometimes fact was better than fiction. This was one of those cases. We were all outcasts in life.

Okay, maybe not Geoff, but the other three of us were. The world had thrown us out, ignored us. And we had all reacted to it differently.

Duncan took to rebellion. He fought the system and attempted to upset the established order. He loved chaos, and it was difficult to keep him in line. His tendency for troublesomeness only increased when he had to deal with Chef Hatchet, the ex-militant.

Gwen shunned the rest, just as they shunned her. She hated following the crowd and didn't care about trends and fads. She was one of the most independent girls that I had ever known. And she always spoke her mind no matter what the consequences were. Maybe that's why Heather hated her so much. Heather was used to people always doing what she told them to. Gwen wasn't like most girls. That should be established by now.

And then there as me. The smartass and wise aleck. Sarcasm is the body's natural defense against stupidity. For me, it was my defense against other people. I was hiding behind a wall of sarcasm, and I would continue to do so for a long, long time. Mockery was my middle name.

I went to eat in the Mess Hall. The food sucked as usual.

"Attention campers!" Chris's words were the first ones that I had heard for the day. Not too happy about that.

"I would like to congratulate you all on making it a full fifty days here on this show. There will be no challenge today."

Hallelujah.

"However, something has recently come to my attention."

What? The fact that you're an asshole? If you've only figured that out now, Chris, something is seriously wrong with you.

"I see that out of the four of you, the only one that's been doing any confessing as of late is Geoff. You guys are all due. It's mandatory Confessional time!"

Oh. So you haven't figured it out. Why am I not surprised?

I trudged over to the Confessional.

"I don't see why we have to keep doing these." Gwen mumbled.

"It's for the audience back home. How are they supposed to know what you're really feeling?" Chris asked.

"I think that at this point, we're done trying to hide our emotions." Gwen said. "I'm sick of this island and I'm sick of you! There! Can I go now?"

"Wow, Gwen. That's really good acting! We all know that's not how you really think. Seriously, they should give you an Oscar or something." [1]

"What do you have to say about this, Duncan?" Chris asked.

"I'm just here so I don't get fined." The punk said.

"I don't know about you guys, but I love the Confession Cam! There's just something about the atmosphere and the solitude that gets my blood pumping and rushing! Can I go first?"

"Sure. Knock yourself out, dude." Chris said.

"Nice atmosphere?" Gwen asked. "It reeks of piss, sweat, blood and tears. I swear I even saw some semen in there once."

Ugh. Ew. Why do I get the feeling that it was Cody that caused the latter?

"You're next, Noah." Chris said.

"Great." I said. I went inside and closed the door, taking a good long look at the Confession Cam before talking.

"Well as you can tell, I really have no idea what to say right now. There are just so many things running through my mind as of late." I paused for a bit before continuing. "Oh yes, Heather's gone! Woohoo! Finally! Ding dong, the witch is dead, people! She's a Gone Girl!"

"…"

"Okay. That may have seemed out of place. Sorry about that. I would be happier if I knew how exactly Heather was gone. I think I have some idea how she left, but I'd rather not get into that."

"Anyway, our time on the island is almost up. The end is near, and I don't mean that in an apocalyptic sort of way."

"You know, for how much I bash this island, there is one good thing to have come out of it. In fact, instead of searing at Chris and cursing the ground he walks on, I should be thanking him."

"I doubt they'll air this, but I feel more at home Total Drama Island than I do in my actual home. I've got some great friends because of this show. Owen, Trent, Cody, you guys rock. I really mean that."

And that was that.

"It's a good thing that you were the last one waiting, or I would have told you to come out hours ago." Chris said. "Seriously. I bet we're going to have to edit half of that stuff out."

"Whatever." I said as I walked off.

"I told you confessing is awesome. I see you enjoyed it." Geoff said.

"Yeah." I said.

"It reminds me of that time when I was stuck in the confessional and then that thunderstorm happened and caused a flash flood which carried me off somewhere. I remember it like it was yesterday."

"That could be due to the fact that it was yesterday."

"Oh Noah, don't be silly. No wait, you're right. It was just yesterday. It was yesterday that Chris tossed out Mr. Coconut." Tears began to form in his eyes.

"WILSON! I'm sorry! I'm sorry Wilson! I'm sorry! I should have stopped him! I'm sorry! WILSON!" He cried out.

"Who the fuck is Wilson?" I asked.

"That's what his name is. Mr. Wilson Coconut. And Chris just threw him away like he was nothing but an inanimate object. Coconuts have feelings too, you know!"

"He's a fucking coconut, Geoff. Get your head in the game." Duncan said.

"Hey, screw you man! Just because you don't care doesn't mean I don't have to." Geoff replied.

"Well it's obvious that nothing I say will make you change your mind, so you can go do whatever the hell you want to do because we are through."

"You're breaking up with me? Duncan! How could you? After all we've been through together?" Geoff asked.

"Yep. I'm sorry Geoff, but it just wasn't working out. As of now, it's everyone for themselves."

"That worked out so well yesterday, didn't it?" I asked sarcastically.

"I'm sick of this shit. Fuck the Guy's Alliance. Fuck Chris Maclean. Fuck Total Drama Island. And fuck you! I don't need anyone else's help."

"Fine." Geoff said. "If that's the way you want it, then so be it."

"Geez. Duncan is acting like such a dick lately." He told me.

"…"

"Okay. More of a dick than usual. I thought we were friends. But it doesn't matter. I came here to make friends, but I'm also in it to win it!"

"Dude. We can still be friends. I just disbanded the alliance, that's all." Duncan said.

"Oh. Okay, cool. But just so you know, I'm still gonna kick your butt at the challenge tomorrow!"

"Oh we'll see about that." Duncan said.

"Wow. It's getting late." I said.

"But it seems like this day just started." Geoff said.

"Isn't it weird that the day ends just as wwe run out of things to talk about?" I asked.

"Hmmm… nope." Duncan said.

"Not really." Geoff said.

"Really? It doesn't even bother you in the slightest?" I asked.

"Dude. I've got enough things to worry about. This isn't a cartoon, Noah. This is real life. There is no one playing puppet master."

"Yeah. I guess you're right. Alright. Let's go to bed."

And off to sleep we went.


[1] "Boyhood" snubbed. That's all I have to say about that.

Yes. Another filler chapter. Cue groans.


Last Four: Gwen, Duncan, Geoff, Noah