On Tuesday morning, after Gerard spent all night being a hermit in his bedroom- the way he'd been doing lately, his mother came in the room. Their conversation went something like this(Gerard's voice like this): "Gerard, you need to get out of bed." "I don't wanna" "Too bad, get up. You're going to school," "But-" "No buts," "Fine!" "Don't use that tone of voice with me, young man!" "Sorry," "Come on honey, get up. Have you been taking your medicine?" "Yes," "Are they working?" *shrug* "Things can't really be that bad, darling. It'll get better,"

Yeah, how can this ever get better? How can it get better that I've just lost my bestfriend and my grandmother, and I can't stop thinking about either of them!? How can it get better that life doesn't even feel worth living anymore? How can it get better that all I ever want to do is drink and sleep, but the drinking does nothing and I'm a horrible insomniac? It can't get better. It will never get better. Gerard forced himself to sit up while his mom said she'd make him breakfast. The thought of food made him nauseous, but he thanked her anyways. Once she was gone he went to his closet and pulled a bottle of vodka from the very back where he was hiding it. He took several gulps before his mind began to buzz and he liked it. What he liked about vodka was that it didn't smell, so he could get away with it.

"And take a shower!" he heard his mother's voice call, and he groaned, but did as he was told. He stumbled into the hallway, but as he did he tripped over a comic book that was on the floor. Gerard picked it up and saw it was a Watchmen, the one Lin-z had given him. He smiled. The hot water felt good, and he made it as hot as he could bear. He liked the feeling off the grease leaving his hair. And he had a dull dizziness from the alcohol, so it wasn't that bad. He let himself get emersed in thoughts as the water cleansed him, and from seemingly nowhere Frank's face popped into his mind. It was in this bathroom that he and Frank had explored each other's mouths with their tongues. Gerard tried not to think about it, and as he pictured himself pulling away from the kiss with Frank the face changed, and it was Lin-z.

Gerard awoke from his day dream with a start and slipped on the wet floor of the shower. He was going to have a bruise from that now. Why had he just thought about kissing Lin-z? The idea haunted his mind again, and Gerard realized he was getting hard. Shit. He picked himself off the shower floor and jerked off quickly.

When Gerard got out of the shower he realized that they were completely out of towels. Double shit. He checked the hallway to make sure the coast was clear before sneaking to the linen closet- butt naked. He was sneaking back to his room, wrapping a towel around himself, when Mikey rounded the corner as well, bumping into him. Gerard dropped his towel and Mikey stared at him wide eyed.

Finally the younger spoke in a calm voice. "Put some clothes on, dork," Mikey turned and headed back down stairs and Gerard headed back into his room to get ready. Finally dressed, he took a few more swigs of his bottle and treaded down stairs.

"Eat," his mother ordered, setting food down in front of him. Gerard felt kind of nauseous, and he was already running late, but his mom wasn't going to take no for an answer. She must have known he hadn't really eaten anything since Saturday. Maybe he was losing more weight. He quickly shoveled eggs and toast into his mouth, and he and Mikey were headed to school fifteen minutes later.

"You're drunk aren't you?" Mikey broke the silence when they were almost at the school.

"Is it that obvious?" Gerard asked.

"To me it is," Mikey sighed. He looked sad.

"I'm sorry, Mikey," Gerard said.

"Whatever," Mikey responded, and treaded ahead. They were five minutes late, so Gerard was caught in the hallways alone. At least he thought he was alone, but then a finger tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned to see Lin-z. He blushed.

"H-hey, Lin-z," he said, stuttering slightly. "What's up?"

"Do you want to skip first hour?" she asked him, and he blushed again.

"Huh?"

"I want to go for some coffee, but they say it's not safe for a girl to walk around Belleview alone. I was just wondering..." She looked down at her converse and then back up at Gerard, as if not allowing herself to feel ashamed. Gerard wished he was better at that.

"Yeah, sure!" he said. "I'd love to!" his face broke into an uneasy smile, but he liked the idea of going to get coffee with her. Then again, he never thought he'd go get coffee with the girl that shoved him face first into cake.

As they were walking they talked about things- music, school, friends and stuff. Gerard sudenly realized why he hadn't liked her when he'd first talked to her (besides the fact that he'd just been faced with cake). She sounded confident when she talked, and she sounded like she didn't take any shit from anyone. Gerard tended to talk like that too. They were really similar.

In the short walk to the coffee place Lin-z learned that Gerard loved the Misfits and Iron Maiden, along with Green Day and some other newer bands, but he had a slight hatred for Nu-Metal. He loved to draw, and he wrote songs. Lin-z thought that he was really cute, the way he blushed when their hands brushed as they were walking, and the way he got excited about comic books. She might have liked him more than she originally thought.

"You're hair looks good today," Lin-z mentioned. "It looks different,"

Gerard blushed and chuckled. "My mom made me wash it," he confessed.

Lin-z laughed too, and Gerard thought her laugh was adorable. They finished their coffee and headed back to the school. When their hands brushed three times, Lin-z gave in and grabbed his hand in hers. He looked down, surprised, but didn't pull away. The thought haunted his mind that the last hand he'd held was Frank's. In the nursing home. When Elena was still alive. Shit.

Back at school Lin-z stood by while Gerard rummaged in his backpack. He kind of wanted to do this in private, but if she had to be there then whatever. He didn't have long before second hour started. Gerard popped four antidepressants and swallowed them.

"What's that?" Lin-z asked, looking confused.

"Celexa," Gerard looked bashful. "Antidepressants,"

"Are you supposed to take that many?" Lin-z asked.

Gerard shrugged. "I don't know, however many work,"

Something caught her eye in his locker and she reached in and grabbed it before he could stop her. She looked down at the flask, then popped it open and sniffed.

"Is this VODKA!?" she asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah," Gerard's eyes narrowed and he snatched it back. For good measure he took a chug out of it. She glared back at him.

"Don't you think it's stupid to drink at school?" she asked.

"I don't care," Gerard shrugged.

"Well maybe you should!" she snapped, taking the flask from him and stomping off down the hall.

"HEY!" Gerard trailed after her. "Give it back!"

She stormed into the girl's bathroom and popped it open. Gerard rushed in after her without shame. A girl screamed when she saw him.

"Get out of here, fag!" she squealed, and Gerard ignored her. He tried stopping Lin-z from pouring all his booze down the drain.

"Goddamnit!" he cursed as it was all emptied out and she tossed it back to him. "What the hell!"

"I'm not letting you get in trouble for being a moron," Lin-z spat. Gerard was pissed. He turned and punched the thing on the wall that dispensed paper towels and the front fell off and clattered to the floor. Gerard's hand started bleeding and he whimpered and sucked the blood away. "Smooooth," Lin-z rolled her eyes.

"I-I'm sorry..." Gerard sighed "I don't know what came over me,"

"Look, Gerard," Lin-z finally sighed. She placed a firm hand on his shoulder, that was creeping towards the back of his neck and wrapping around. She pulled him in for a kiss, and then pulled away. Gerard was certain he had a stupid happy grin on his face. "I really like you," she said, "But I can't be with someone who's this wreckless with drugs and alcohol. Fix this, and then we'll talk," Lin-z turned and left the bathroom, leaving Gerard standing there, his lips tingling, his hand throbbing, his mind buzzing, and his heart empty.

!

Gerard saught Ray out before they went to lunch. Normally he would find Frank and they would walk together, but Gerard was still pissed at Frank. Besides he wanted to talk to Ray.

"Hey, you wanna come over tonight?" Gerard asked.

"Nah, I can't," Ray replied, stuffing books into his locker- reaching the top shelf without even going on his toes. Frank would be jealous. He can barely reach it jumping. Stop thinking about Frank so much! "I'm going to see Ed in Coolsprings,"

"Oh, did he get a new apartment or something?" Gerard asked.

"Nah, he's in rehab," Ray felt a bit embarrassed talking about it. The only person he'd told was Frank. But he could tell Gerard this kind of stuff. "He overdosed on cocaine and was having some drinking problems,"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," Gerard apologized.

"That's alright, I haven't really told anyone," Ray responded. "It was just bad you know? That's why I stopped drinking. It's not good to get mixed up in drugs and alcohol too bad,"

He noticed Gerard blush slightly and look down at his shoes, which made Ray pleased that he'd gotten his point through.

"You seem on high spirits today," Ray mentioned, ready to change the subject. He obviously failed at that.

"Uh, yeah," Gerard coughed. "Antidepressants..." Gerard's voice trailed off.

"Oh," Ray said.

"Dude, I think I have a problem," Gerard confessed, not making eyecontact with Ray. Ray stared down at his friend, concerned.

"Come on," he finally said and turned to walk away. "Let's eat outside today," He took two steps and then realized Gerard was still glued to his spot. Ray sighed and reached back to grab Gerard's hand, then led him out to the front steps.

"Hey fags!" someone called to them after they walked past.

"Say it to my face, you mother fuckers!" Ray challenged, but they didn't. People hardly ever mess with Ray.

Ray sat Gerard down on the front steps and sat down next to him. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I've been drinking since my grandma died," Gerard took a deep breath before speaking.

"You've drank alcohol since eighth grade," Ray said. "Has something changed?"

"It's more than normal. I-it's like all the time. Whenever I think about Elena or about... never mind," Gerard's voice trailed off and he blushed again.

"Tell me, G Man. What else?" Ray urged.

"I'm bisexual," Gerard admitted, not making eye contact with Ray at all. He was so embarrassed to tell him this. He didn't know why he was. Homophobia was gay! But the next thing he was about to say was even more humiliating. Here goes nothing. "And I've had a crush on Frank for a while now,"

"Yeah, I knew that," Toro totally caught Gerard off guard.

"Huh!?"

"Gerard, I knew you were bisexual for sure when you and Frank kissed at the church. But I've figured you were since like sophmore year," Ray laughed.

"What happened sophmore year?" Gerard asked.

"We dared you to go to the mall in drag and you did it," Ray smiled.

"Oh yeah..."

"What else is bothering you?"

"Mostly the drinking thing... but it's like, whenever I think about those things, Elena especially, I just get this big empty feeling inside, and I automatically reach for a bottle. I've been taking way more antidepressants than I'm supposed to... I just feel so... dirty I guess," Gerard sighed after speaking and leaned back on the steps. Ray watched him.

"You haven't told anyone else about what you're going through?" Gerard shook his head no.

"I've also been thinking about suicide again," Gerard choked out the word. The last time he'd been thinking about suicide was when he and Mary broke up. She'd been cheating on him with one of the jocks, pictures to prove it, and Gerard was crushed.

Ray looked worried, and he settled his hand on Gerard's back and rubbed small, soothing circles. "Why haven't you told anyone this yet, Gee?"

"Who was I supposed to tell!?" Gerard demands. "Frank hates me-"

"No he doesn't,"

"Mikey's bipolar, I don't want to freak him out any worse. My parents think I'm messed up enough as it is. And Elena's... dead. I don't know what to do!" Gerard cried, banging his forehead down on his knees. Ray continued to rub his back.

"We're friends right?" Ray asked.

"Duh, of course we are, Toro," Gerard responded.

"Then you can talk to me. Anytime, about anything. Next time you think you need to drink or want to kill yourself, call me," Ray instructed. Gerard sat up and nodded slowly.

"What if it's like at two in the morning?" Gerard asked.

"I'll still listen," the bell rang above them and Gerard groaned. He didn't want to go to class, but he knew he had to.

"Why don't you come with me tonight?" Ray asked. "To see my brother,"

"You'd be okay with that?" Gerard asked.

"Yeah, sure. It'll help you to get away from here for a few hours," Ray smiled.

"You're not gonna lock me up there are you?" Gerard glared suspisciously up at his friend, who started laughing.

"No,"

!

Frank, Bob, and Mikey sat in the cafeteria slightly confused.

"Where's Gee and Toro?" Mikey asked.

"Beats me," Bob shrugged.

Frank was about to speak when someone hit him on the head with their tray, and someone else dumped a load of trash on the table, showering it over them like confetti.

"Surprise!" someone sang and Frank fumed, ready to kick somebody's ass. Suddenly though someone sat down next to him and slipped a hand onto his thigh, a little higher than any normal stranger would. Frank turned to see Jamia.

"Don't let them bug you," Jamia whispered in his ear. "I can change the records so that they have interior design next sememster,"

Frank chuckled and kissed Jamia cheek. "You're amazing," he whispered back.

Mikey coughed awkwardly. "Heyyyy, lovebirds. Secrets don't make friends,"

"Yeah," Bob added.

"You want me to discuss what his tongue feels like inside my mouth with all of you?" Jamia raised an eyebrow, and Frank let out a snort of laughter.

"I'm sure Gerard would love to hear about that," Mikey teased, nudging Bob with his elbow. Bob chuckled. Mikey was allowed to tease his brother, becuase he was Gerard's little brother. That was in his job description.