Peasant,

Heh... I'm not exactly into that... Go ask Cao Cao.


Cao Hong,

I could, but it takes soooo much effort. My fan just shot lasers and those gloves' fingers could extend into long claws for me to use. But these days I get lazy.


Cao Rui,

I am humbled to be given such a gift from you. Don't worry, it's safe in my hands. (Heheheheheh.)


Chen Tai,

Oh, hello. Good to hear that. Jiang Wei's dead, right?


Audience,

I liked my old sword. I guess I can take my fan back and modify to satisfy you people.

P.S: A dildo? Please, it's bad enough someone is dying by a fan, so why jam a replicated penis into their eye socket?


Guo Jia,

Xun Yu said what about me? Well, I'm going to have a talk with him.


Xun Yu,

Can you see that fire extinguisher next to you? Stand near that and tell me if it has any leaks coming out of the canister.


Xun Yu,

*blood splatter and glass shards*

I can't believe you fell for it! I mean, if Jia Xu were to tell you to do that, you would automatically ignore him.


Dear Kiyomori Taira:

Since when does taking souls require a permit? Ugh, fine. I'll comply since I prefer my house standing and not a pile of ash. Attached is the payment for the fine.

(I won't do anymore soul taking since getting a new permit takes so much time and work. Damn you, Cao Cao. You and your CaoCare are ruining my way of living! People are dying less!)


Xun Yu,

Right now I'm having my wife write up my words. I'm just going to say this. FUCK. YOU. YOU. PIECE. OF. SHIT. A table?! Now Zhao is going to use me as a bed/drool holder! Why are my hats important? Is it because I based your head into the fire extinguisher? Huh?! Do my hats hold some secret power you want so badly or-*not finished*

(You're going off.)

(I'm a table! I don't think you want to incur my wrath, woman!)

(You're a table. What exactly can you do to place your wrath on me?)

(I can step on your toes! Ruin your evening dinner! Block your path! I... Oh, fuck it. I'm a table. All I can do is be a place of intercourse for people who desire variety...)

(You want to finish this letter or no?)

(Just send it. I think he'll get the message.)


Xun Yu,

I don't care. Just turn me back! Forget the dumb hats!

(Oh, you finally admit they're stupid.)

(Shut up! I'm just saying that for him to turn me back!)


Xun Yu,

I HATE YOU. Bastard!


*Sima Yi's can't write, so here are actual scenes*

The table sits in the center of the room with Zhang Chunhua looking at it with a dissatisfied face.

"Do you need any other letters to send?" The table remains silent. She taps its surface and it shakes.

"Ow! Your nail is digging into the wood!"

"I barely touched you."

"Now what?"

"I'm married to a table... Ugh... Wait... Hmm..."

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" She takes one end of the table and drags it.

"Ow! Ow! My head hurts! Ow! My legs! My four legs! Where are you taking me?"


The Sima Yi table sits in the center of an another room. He yells out as Zhang Chunhua walks out of the room.

"I know this place! This is Cao Pi's office! What are you planning?!" The door opens again to have Cao Pi and Zhen Ji walk in to see that table in the room.

"Sima Yi's wife gave us this table for some reason."

"I think it looks nice."

"It has that awful tint of purple that just says a Sima owned this."

"I bet it harbors a juicy secret about him."

"It's just purple."

"What if we had sex on it and gave it back to him? It'll be so funny watching him eat off it or set things on it without knowing us once being on it."

"Ggh!"

"You know what? That sounds fun. Let's do it."

"NNNNNNNAAAAAAGHOOOOOOOO!"The Sima Yi table quickly speeds out of the room screaming.

"Was that Sima Yi's voice coming out of that table...?"

"Ew, was I going to have sex on a magic table that for some reason has Sima Yi's voice? That's the last thing I want to do!"

"You know, that isn't exactly bad when you compare that to having sex with Xu Chu or my father."

"Would you?"

"Ew, no. He's old enough to collect dust."


Sima Yi continues to speed out of the area and back into his house. He moves quickly and hits Sima Zhao down in the process as he was walking in one of the hallways. He then stops in a room to pant.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! thank god I'm out! Huff, huff, huff... I'm going to have a talk with Chunhua about this! Once she gets back."


(CHUNHUA! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!)

(I didn't know you could move on your own.)

(The shock of the thought of Cao Pi and Zhen Ji on me woke my legs! Now answer me!)

(I'm bored and my only entertainment is a table.)

(Is Xun Yu back?)

(No.)

(Damn it!)

(Now to set you in Zhao's room.)

(NO! Just at least use me properly!)

(Sit in you?)

(Yes!)

(And what? Eat? Write? Carve-)

(NO! Don't you do that!)

(I was kidding.)

(Can you at least sit without the chair?)

(How am I going to-Oh. No.)

(Why?)

(Because you said at one point a lady sitting on a table was obscene.)

(When people are here! We're alone. Ish.)

(Still no.)

(Damn it, Xun Yu. You could have made me a chair...)

(That would mean people that are not me sitting on you.)