DAY 18
"Bella. It's happening. You need to- he's asking for you."
Bella had received the call at 4am. Sleepily and unknowingly rolling out of bed to pick up the phone, expecting it to be Dylan calling to say he was on his way home, or ask if they needed anything from the 24hour supermarket. But instead the caller ID had read a different number. Bella sleepily adjusted to the darkness of the room. It couldn't be Dylan, he was stirring next to her, "Is it for me?"
And that was when Bella knew what the call would contain. She picked it up, wearily, expecting to hear the voice of a nurse, but instead it was Zoe.
Bella pulled Dylan's car into his usual parking space. See not a scratch. She said to herself more than anyone else. She had taken Dylan's car as it was an emergency on the promise that she would look after it. She jogged into the E.D and chucked her bag on the reception. "Noel, would you be a love and put that in my locker? Oh, and where's Zoe?"
"Resus, Bella, are you-"
" Fine, Noel, fine." Bella pushed open the doors of resus, Zoe was standing next to the middle bed looking completely drained. Bella sat down on the other side of the bed, not speaking. She took Nick's hand, she rarely called her father by anything other than Nick, a habit that she had never quite got out of, but she felt that this was an apt moment to break that tradition. "Daddy?"
And there were tears in Nick's eyes too, he answered the question that had been asked with that single use of that oh-so-significant word with a nod, his sad, tired eyes displaying all that Bella needed to know. Nick's voice was croaky and forced, "Bella."
Nick was lying in a resus bed, hooked up to all the monitors, Zoe on one side, Bella on the other. It was slightly odd, Bella and Zoe had been best friends before Nick and Zoe had ever happened, and although Zoe was quite a bit older than Bella, she had always been on the same level of maturity. Zoe excused herself, something about a glass of water. He had wanted to die peacefully at home, but it was oddly fitting that circumstances had forced him to die in the emergency department that he had built up from burnt remains. Nick turned his head towards his daughter, "I'm tired Bella."
"Tired of what?"
"Tired of living."
Bella sighed, squeezing his hand, "It won't hurt for much longer. I promise."
"You'll make sure she's okay, won't you? Make sure she doesn't feel alone, make sure she doesn't spend her life waiting... We could have been happy. If I'd only been less self-absorbed..."
Bella remonstrated, "Don't be silly."
"I am, a silly old fool."
Bella blinked, "Can I have that on record?"
Nick smiled, "Yes." And then his smile fell, "Tell Milly I loved her, that I wanted to see her grow up, I wanted to know her... I've put some money aside, for when she's older-"
"Don't do this Nick." Bella never cried. She had done her crying when she had got that phone call from Zoe. But her eyes were beginning to sting and her fathers pale and shrunken face was becoming blurred. She had always hated goodbye's. They both did. Both as stubborn as each other.
Nick croaked, slightly slurring his words, "There isn't much time."
"There's always time." That wasn't strictly a lie, time always endured, but they both knew that their time together was running out.
"No there isn't. You. Bella, do you know what I'm most proud of? Being your father. And I'm sorry I was a bad one... Don't shake your head, you know its true. I would have given anything to see you grow up, hold your hand, make you laugh. I'm sorry. I never said this, but I love you."
"I love you too daddy. I wouldn't change it, not anything, you were the best father I could have had." Her lip trembled, "I'm going to miss you."
"Will you be okay- Last time-" He was referring to the last time that Nick had been terminally ill. Bella's solution had been to drink herself stupid, and then take an accidental overdose.
She wrinkled her nose at the memory, "It was different last time. I didn't really know you. It was more a loss of what could have been, rather than what was. I was pretty messed up already, and feelings weren't really my thing. Now, now its not just me who has to say goodbye..." Bella trailed off, "I have Dylan. And Milly."
"I know." Nick closed his eyes slightly, his breathing was becoming more laboured. He was almost deteriorating before her eyes.
Bella had seen it so many times before. But that didn't make it any easier.
Nick murmured with his eyes still shut, "Tell... mother... sorry...so sorry... Bella? Zoe?... Oh!" And that was the last word that Nick Jordan ever uttered. A mildly surprised "Oh!" and then silence. Bella squeezed his hand, "Nick?" But there was no response. It couldn't have been more than a second before the monitors started to bleep, but for Bella it could have been a lifetime. As the light on the machine began to flash Bella was on her feet in an instant, the doctor inside her reacting to the situation instinctively. But then she remembered. This was Nick. Advanced directive. N stage cancer. He deserved his end. Bella turned to see Zoe standing in the doorway, she had never actually left. There was no expression on her face, only a knowing realisation in her face that this time nothing could be done to save the man she loved. Bella passed her, squeezing her arm as she left the room. Leaving the bleeping monitors, her dying father and resus behind her. She didn't feel guilty for not staying to the end, Nick would understand better than everyone, neither of them liked goodbyes.
.
Bella was sat cross legged on the floor of the doctors office. Thinking. She had a bottle of wine in one hand and her phone in an other. 9 months ago and she would have drunk herself into a stupor, but having Milly had changed her. Bella had become less selfish, and now she wasn't sure what she was going to do. She knew what Nick would want her too do, she knew what Dylan would want her to do, but she didn't know what she wanted to do. Part of her didn't want to feel anything, the other wanted to call Dylan, drive home and see Milly. But she also wanted that bottle of wine. There was a knock on the door. "Can I come in?" It was Zoe.
Bella nodded slowly, "Be my guest." Bella stood up. She had been sat on the floor. She raised her arm with the bottle of wine, "Nick's finest."
Zoe raised her right hand, she had two glasses.
Bella almost smiled, "Do you want to get out of here?" The doctor's office held too many memories of Nick for her.
Zoe nodded, "I've called a cab."
The two friends walked arm in arm out of the Emergency Department.
