Chapter Fifty-Three: Mixed Feelings


The euphoric feeling Severus experienced once Myra and the other Severus had left was quickly replaced with the feeling of loss. The joyous revelation that now he could finally live normally again didn't matter anymore. He had just lost the love of his life. Was he really living? The sensation in his gut answered, 'no'.

He'd never experienced a feeling like this before. It felt, quite literally, like his heart was being torn apart, shredded from the inside out. All his life he had searched for a true meaning, a true purpose. He'd always thought it had been Lily. But when he had finally experienced the feeling of having a purpose, he had realised that nothing he had ever had with Lily would come close to what he had enjoyed with Hermione. And that was the worst thing. He couldn't have that anymore.

At least, he thought, at least I don't have to guilty anymore. After Payton had revealed to him all that he had done regarding the letters, the telling of DA and Cho's death, Severus couldn't help but blame himself. He was, after all, the reason all of this had if that that wasn't going to happen now, it once had happened- and it had been his fault. That, he would never forget. He would never forget the life leaving Harry's eyes as he walked around the school grounds, zombie-like. He would never forget Hermione's tears as she wept about how she would never be able to work at the Ministry with her OWL results. He could never forgive himself.

Thankfully, before Myra left with a rather confused alternate Severus, she said something to Severus that changed his mind.

"Before I go," she began, "I just want to tell you, if you don't know already, that you actually saved us all."

Severus frowned.

"What on Earth do you me-"

"Think about. Someone else was bound to come to Payton instead. Even if they hadn't read the darned book, he would still have persuaded them to take the time-forwarder. And I doubt anyone would refuse such a thing. Then they would be trapped in the wrong universe- just like you were- and when Payton would finally come to them and offer his aid, I think you know as well as I do that they'd be desperate and would kill Harry in an instant. Especially since they would have no idea who he is."

Severus was silent as he thought about it. She was just trying to make him feel better…

"And then what would have happened? We'd all be in danger. It's a miracle it was you who got your hands on the time-forwarder. You saved us all."

And then Myra and the other Severus were gone, leaving Severus to dwell upon what he had just been told.

He had repeated the conversation in his mind many times, and although he understood what she was saying, he still felt as though he had done wrong. There was nothing 'good' or 'heroic' by being the cause of someone's death. Cho Chang didn't deserve to have once died, even if it wasn't going to happen now anyway.

Severus had only been left to his own thoughts for about half an hour after Myra and the other Severus left until the dormitory door swung open again. This time, it was definitely going to be Avery. And it was.

"You ain't workin'?" Avery asked, with a surprised look on his face. "You always are."

"Well I thought I'd just relax for a bit." Severus replied.

He immediately felt happier now. Avery talking to him made him feel relaxed again. It meant that he truly belonged to the right universe now, and he didn't have to worry about bumping in to any of his other selves.

"It's nearly nine o'clock now. You going to bed?" Avery asked, as he pulled off his shoes. "I am."

"Where's Mucliber?" Severus frowned.

They only had half an hour before everyone had to be in bed. And if you were caught walking around the corridors, especially if you were in Slytherin, you'd be in big trouble.

"Oh he's just talking to Molly…" Avery trailed off.

Severus knew that Mulciber would only talk to Molly if there was no one else to talk to. The girl was obsessed with Mulciber, and the fact he was going along with it meant he probably had an argument with Avery.

"Have you two fallen out?" Severus asked.

"Well, I told him about the Veritaserum but he didn't believe me…"

Severus rolled his eyes. Everything was coming back now, the 'debate' that Avery was having with Mulciber. Evidently, it must not have ended well.

Severus told Avery that Mulciber would probably forget about it tomorrow, and with that knowledge the two boys then went to bed. Severus tried to ignore the incoming thoughts about Hermione, but all in vain. He couldn't help it. Even as he was lying in the comfortable bed in the dormitory, something which he had had to live without as he had slept on the dirty mattress he had stolen in the lavatory for weeks, he felt the loss of her presence aching inside him. The feelings of relief that he was back in the right universe were juxtaposed with the feelings of sorrow and loss of what he regarded to be probably the best few months in his life. But he had to accept it. The fate of the Wizarding World rested upon it.