Clinging
"I never thought it would be this difficult," Sofia admitted, feeling her eyes water despite her best attempts.
The bed in the little cottage room didn't seem concerned with her feelings, nor the difficulty it presented her. Its simple wood frame-as sturdy as ever, Cedric had declared-and newly cleaned sheets and quilt could only offer promises of sweet sleep. They couldn't offer her the comfort she wanted; they couldn't give her a restful night, with her husband's arms wrapped around her again.
Hugo. Sofia brushed her fingers across her temple to wipe away her sudden tears. He had never been far from her mind during her escape from Evonica and Avalor to the cottage. Even when she was sleeping on the ground, her cloak wrapped around her while Cedric kept watch, she had missed her husband's affection and sturdy presence. She had borne it, though; there had been no time to allow herself to think of living without him.
But here she was now, faced with an empty bed and the terrible realization that she would be sleeping alone for the first time since her wedding night.
Mom did it, she reprimanded herself, stretching out a hesitant hand to draw back the quilt. Mom had to sleep by herself night after night when Dad was away, even when she finally knew that he wasn't coming back. She lowered herself to the bed, bracing her hands on either side of the bed. If she can do it, so can you.
No. She heard her mind scream as she turned to look at the pillow. She didn't sleep alone when he was lost at sea. You slept in the bed with her, remember?
Yes, she did. She recalled long nights curled next to her mother, the blankets drawn up tight around both of them. She recalled her mother holding her, just a little too tightly. She remembered dreams broken with her mother's muffled sobs.
Unbidden, she also remembered the way Hugo would bound into bed, tossing the blankets up over their heads as he teased her. She remembered his fingers tracing patterns along her nightgown; even if he was too tired for doing much more, he always found some excuse for touching her. She rarely remembered a night when he wasn't beside her in bed, except for that night he and Cedric had taken off to find that sorcerer's toy…
And, suddenly, that was all she wanted to remember. She sprang up from the bed, clapping her hand to her mouth to muffle the terrible shrieking sob that erupted and rushed from the room. Before she knew it, she was standing in the room across the narrow hall, looking down on the sleeping sorcerer.
"Cedric," she whispered, trying to still her quavering voice, as she bent to touch his shoulder. "Cedric?"
"What? What is it?" He woke with a start, flailing with the blankets.
Sofia, regretful at having woken him after all, stepped back to let him find his wits. "I'm sorry."
"Are you alright? Is it Evonica?" He blinked bleary eyes at her in the twilight of the room.
"No, it's nothing. I just…It's nothing…" Sofia hung her head and clasped her hands, ashamed of the picture she must have made. A grown woman-a grown princess- pregnant no less, standing barefooted in her nightgown at his bed. Whatever had she been thinking? "I just…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you…Please go back to sleep…I…" The tears stung again in her eyes as she hugged herself and turned away to leave.
"Now, just wait a moment!" He sounded more alert. "Come back! What's wrong?"
"I…" She tried to find the words to tell him about the bed. She tried to explain the horrible loneliness crushing her as she thought about spending a night in a room alone, with not even her son nearby to rock. She wanted him to know how terrible it was to realize that she would never sleep beside her husband ever again.
"Please," she blurted out, suddenly not caring how childish she appeared, "may I please sleep in your bed tonight? I know it's not appropriate," she cried, when he tried to speak, "but…I just can't…I can't…"
"Why…why I suppose so…" Cedric seemed to have difficulty finding his voice. Sofia didn't give him the chance to work things through, though. She hurried into the bed, pulling the covers up as he quickly moved aside to give her room.
"Well, then," he murmured, awkwardly shifting beside her, as he tried to avoid touching her in any way. "Goodnight, then, princess."
"Goodnight," she whispered, lying still as she stared up the dark ceiling. Instead of the relief she longed for, a deeper heaviness settled over her, speaking of loss and foolishness. What a child she was, wanting someone to sleep with and just throwing herself in Cedric's bed. Hadn't she thrown herself at him enough lately? What must he think of her?
"Sofia?" Cedric's whisper interrupted her doubts. "We can talk, if you like. I know it…this must be difficult for you. We don't have to…but if you need to…I am here for you, little one."
Little one. Sofia turned to the pillow, letting her tears flow. Would she ever stop crying?
His hand gingerly brushed her arm, hesitantly, and she reached out to clasp his hand before he could draw it back. For a moment, he resisted, then she felt him relax beside her. Before long, her sobs decreased, and though still heavy-hearted, she fell asleep to the sounds of his snoring, clasping his hand tightly.
