Alright guys first of all I just noticed that this story has gathered 604 reviews so far which means that I broke my all time record of 602 reviews for what was my first Rizzles Story " wishes can come true."
I obviously never aimed at breaking that record, my only goal has always been to write a 100 chapters story without being boring.
I wrote many stories so far but I never managed to reach that goal yet.
Even if I have lots of ideas for this story I doubt that I can pull another 47 chapters :(
We'll see! Anyway thanks for the support.
Chapter 53 :
Too much knowledge :
Later that night the happy couple was laying in bed naked, Maura on her back gently running her fingers through Jane's hair and Jane snuggled on her side, her head resting on Maura's belly.
Both out of breath after their trip to pleasure land the two women were now trying to slowly land back to reality.
"I think you're starting to show." Wandering her fingers on Maura's toned belly Jane knew how sensitive she usually was regarding her weight but that she could afford to mention her baby bump without offending her.
"Do you really think so?" Maura replied looking down at her naked belly.
"Yeah. I mean someone who doesn't know your body the way I do would probably not see it but I do. I can definitely see a small baby bump." Jane replied as she gently started to kiss her wife's belly slowly dragging her tongue all the way up to that particular spot between her two generous breasts.
"You're right nobody knows my body the way you do not to mention that you have a very keen eyes. Actually you're right I have gained two kilos so far but since I'm carrying twins I'm expecting to gain a lot more but it doesn't matter." Unlike Jane who was born with good genes Maura had to watch her diet and work out to remain fit which has been proven to be difficult with a four year old at home. Luckily ever since Louis started school Maura had found herself with more time to take care of herself. Unfortunately now that she was pregnant she knew that remaining fit would not be impossible but she did not care. She was obviously determined to continue to stay on a healthy diet and to avoid junk food as much as possible but she was also determined to enjoy this pregnancy fully and to give her body what ever it would ask for.
"Of course it doesn't. You're pregnant, it's the perfect opportunity for you to eat what ever you want when ever you want. Don't worry I will still love you when you're half a ton." Jane joked immediately assaulting Maura's lips to keep her from replying.
"I certainly hope so. Oh Jane I can not wait to feel them moving." Maura replied giving a quick bite at Jane's bottom lip to show her disapproval.
"I know, but you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer before being able to feel them, but the good thing is because you're having twins you might actually feel them earlier than I did."
"Have we been reading?"
"Yes. I have never really considered having twins but then Louis starting talking about it constantly and I figured I didn't have anything to lose by doing some research." Jane replied sliding next to Maura not wanting to put to much pressure on her belly by remaining on top of her.
"And what did you find?" Hearing Jane confessing that she had done research Maura's heart was immediately filled up with prde. After years of trying to improve Jane's organization skills and of trying to convince her that it was thorough preparation was always the way best to apprehend new challenges Jane had finally listened to her.
"Nothing I didn't suspect but it's pretty clear that it's going to be harder for you than it was for me that's why we need to start looking for a full time nanny as soon as possible." Jane replied settling on her left side her right arms around Maura's waist.
"Don't you think it's a bit early?"
"No. Remember when I was pregnant. I started being exhausted around the fifth month, unable to stay on my feet more than a few minutes at the time and you're carrying twins so I can only imagine how soon you're going to feel the exhausted too. Add to that the fact that we are fortunate enough to have the more dynamic child in this world who despite being very understanding has needs. I don't want him to feel neglected but I don't want you to endanger yourself or our babies by trying to do everything on your own. Your health has to be our top priority."
"You're right. Very soon I will not be able to play with him or to even follow him around the way I usually do. Finding a nanny now is actually a good idea, it will allow all of us to bond with her and then feel more comfortable once the babies are born."
"Exactly. I think getting got know her before you give birth might actually be the smartest thing to do, that way you will trust her more easily when it's time for her to take care of the twins."
"I don't want anyone to take care of our twins except us Jane."
"I know baby but we don't have a choice. I know you would prefer if I retired to be a stay home mother like you but I'm not ready for that yet. I know that I missed a lot of things over the past few years but things are different now. I got promoted and even if delegating wasn't easy for me at first I finally wrapped my head around the idea of not being on the fields with Frost and you know what? It feels good. It feels incredibly good to know that I get to go home to you guys instead of following a lead or interrogating a suspect. I'm not ready to retire Maura but things have changed and I will be more present than I was over the past four years I promise." Cupping her wife's face with her right hand gently rubbing her cheek with her thumb those words sounded like a promise. Despite knowing how understanding of her position Maura was Jane always felt like she was not home enough but thanks to her promotion she finally started to believe that things were going to be different.
"Don't put yourself down that easily Jane. Yes you missed a few baths and dinners but overall you are a very present and devoted mother and Louis loves you for it. Your work is time consuming and after being your partner for so many years I can not hold it against you. As long as I feel that we're your priority I will continue to make compromises to make things work. I know you're not ready to retire and I would never ask you to. I understand the need you have to do this, to make the world a better place especially now that we're parents and I love you for it." The truth was that Maura knew that Jane would retire or take a desk assignment if she asked her too but she knew that if would kill her. It had taken her a long time but Maura had finally come to peace with Jane's needs : she needed to be on the job, to give justice, to run after criminals but she needed her family more. Over the past few years Maura had seen Jane changed, taking her weeks end off, leaving the station early. Yes becoming a mother had changed Jane for the better but not enough for her to feel ready to retire. Luckily for her Maura didn't mind, they had find the perfect balance and knew that Jane would make ever more compromises now that they were about to have twins. She loved and trusted her wife enough to allow her to do what she was born to do, trusting that she would always come back to her at reasonable hours and in one piece.
"And I love you for being so understanding and you need to know that you, our son and our unborn twins are my priority. I might still need to be on the job but I would retire in a heart beat if I ever felt that our family needed it. Do you trust me when I say that?"
"Of course. I know you would give up everything for us but there is no need to. Having twins is going to be a challenge and it won't be easy but we're going to make it. I have no doubt about it. I love you." Maura replied as she softly blow a kiss on Jane's gorgeous lips.
"I love you too. So have you considered if you want two boys, two girls or one of each?" Jane asked as started to wander her fingers on her wife's back immediately feeling her shivering under her touch.
"You know what people always say : as long as they're healthy their gender doesn't matter but I have to admit that I would like at least one of the two to be a girl. What about you?"
"I would really like to have one of each, I don't know if I could survive two daughters with half your DNA."
"Hey!What's that supposed to mean?" Maura objecting her voice slightly rising as she poked Jane's belly.
"You know exactly what's that supposed to mean. Remember Louis' first day of school? He spent 45 minutes in the bathroom and I can only imagine how painful it's going to be for me if we have two girls."
"He takes care of his appearance I don't see what's wrong in that and besides why are you saying that having two girls that could inherit my personality would be challenging for you? I thought I was perfect?" Maura grinned battling her eyelashes.
"Yes you are but despite knowing that I'm teasing you fall for it every single time and that makes you even more adorable." Jane smiled pondering each word with a kiss starting on Maura's neck, her collar bone all the way down to her beautiful breasts.
"I…Jane wait. I'm exhausted. Is it alright if we just talk?" Gently escaping Jane's embrace Maura was suddenly not in a sexy mood at all. Jane and her had started to talk and she wanted to finish that talk. She wanted to use this week end to open up about everything that scared her before they found themselves overwhelmed with between the search for a nanny or the perfect house.
"Yes. I'm sorry. You look worried, what's wrong? You know you can tell me anything." Rising her head Jane could see that something was bothering her wife but despite having a very clear idea why she needed Maura to tell her in her own words. She knew that acknowledging her fears and talking about them out loud was the first step towards conquering them.
"I'm scared Jane." The words barely audible Maura was embarrassed. She was a thirty nine year old Doctor who had already participated in one pregnancy before but she was scared. For the first time in her life despite being overly prepared Dr Maura Isles was scared of not knowing enough and of doing thing the wrong way.
"Scared of what?" Positioning herself on her side looking in her wife's eyes Jane was for the first time seeing a kind of insecurity she never saw before. Maura had felt insecure and scared of not being able to bond with Louis but this was different.
"I'm... I'm scared of not being strong enough to carry our babies to term and to give birth." Lowering her eyes Maura was embarrassed, after spending 9 months encouraging Jane telling her she was strong enough when she was pregnant she was unable to follow her own advices.
"Oh baby, don't say that. Remember what you told me : Carrying children and giving birth is the most natural thing in the world for a women, we have been doing it for thousands of years."
"I know but that was before I witnessed you being in excruciating pain, curled in a ball unable to breath on regular basis for the last 4 months of your pregnancy and before I had to talk to you while you were giving birth to keep you from passing out from the pain. I'm having twins Jane, I can only imagine that the pain is going to be multiplied by two and I don't think I can handle it." As she started to remember Jane's hours of suffering during her last trimester multiplied by two Maura started to hyperventilate, her heart started to hammer her chest and her mouth was dry.
"Alright baby, just calm down. First of all I was in pain for two reasons : First, I was on my feet all day working myself off pushing the limit of what my body was willing to handle. You my dear are not working anymore and very soon you are going to have all the help you need so you can rest as much as you need. Second, I was in pain because Louis was like a kangaroo, he was always kicking and flipping over but those babies Maura, they have half your DNA so I'm sure they're going be just like you, very quiet, zen and that they won't keep you awake the same way Louis did. Regarding the birth, well I almost passed out because I didn't get to have the epidural and it was my fault. I wanted us to get married so badly that I ignored the contractions and then it was to late to get the epidural but that's not going to happen with you. I know that the minute you start having contractions you're going to ask me or who ever is with you at this moment to take you with the hospital. "
"You think so?"
"Yes. I promise that your pregnancy is not going as painful as mine was because you're a completely different woman. You're not as stubborn and reckless as I am and unlike me you're prepared and willing to make any compromises necessary. Twins or not you're going to be alright and even if you found yourself in pain I will be here to climb in bed and hold you until you feel better and I will be there when you give birth to our babies to hold your hand and encourage you. You're not in this alone Maura. I'm here." Saying those words Jane was hoping that Maura rationalism would take over her fear because she was telling the truth : Maura was nothing like her and she knew for a fact that her pregnancy was going to be perfectly normal because she was going to be more careful and less stubborn.
"I know Jane, I just…I'm a Doctor I know every single step of development. I could tell you what is happening to our babies day by day but despite all that knowledge I feel that I don't know anything and it's scaring me."
"Too much knowledge is not necessarily a good thing. Being pregnant and giving birth is not about knowing but feeling. In a few weeks you're going to feel our babies kicking and floating inside you and at first it's going to scare the crap out of you but after a while it's just going to calm you down and to give you the strength you need to go through all this. I promise you that feeling them moving will make you forget all the morning sicknesses, back pain or swollen breasts and feet."
"I know. Have I recently told you how grateful I was to have you as my wife?" Her left arms around Jane's waists so close that she could feel their breasts touch Maura was finally calming down. Jane was right : billion of women had gone through this since the beginning of life on earth and besides she had something none of them had : Jane.
"Not in the past 45 minutes, but don't worry I know. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better and to help you apprehend this pregnancy more easily?"
"Yes there is something. I know you offered to do this a few weeks ago and I know it's going to be dangerous but I need you to find Doyle. I need to know about my family medical history." Saying those words Maura knew how dangerous and irrational her demand was but she knew that she would not be able to enjoy her pregnancy without knowing about her family medical history.
"Alright. I'll start working on that next week. Considering he has been sending Louis presents for the past four years, it's safe to assume that he's not far and I'm pretty sure he won't be hard to find. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if he just knocked on our door when we least expect it." Despite being a dedicated officer who a visceral hatred for people like Paddy Doyle Jane could not help but feeling respect for the man and for what he had done in the past to protect his daughter. She knew that despite being who he was he loved Maura and was hoping he would be able to give her some answers.
"I know. It's strange but sometimes I can feel him watching me when I walk Louis to school or when we go to the park. I look around and I can't see him but I can feel him. It's a very unsettling feeling."
"I have the same feeling sometimes and as I said he's incapable of staying away from you so he probably spent the past four years watching us from a distance."
"I know and as much as I love my parents It's reassuring to know that he's looking out for us. I mean I know protecting us is your job but I know that if anything happened to you Frankie, Barry or even Vincent would protect us but knowing what he's capable of to protect our family makes me feel safe. Does that make me a bad person?" Ever since she had met Doyle Maura had been split between seeing him for who he really was : a cold blooded killer and looking beyond that. After years of torturing herself thinking about him Maura had finally come to terms with who he was and could not help but feeling an unsettling affection for him. Despite being an officer of the law like Jane Maura was strangely grateful that Doyle had killed for her and she felt safe knowing that he would always be there for her and her family willing to do things that because they were outside the law Jane wouldn't be able to do. All her life Maura had lived by a certain moral code, by moral values and never thought retaliation or violence was the answer. She always thought that it was the easiest way out but ever since she became a mother and a wife her values had changed. Now she knew she would not hesitate to ask Doyle to get rid of someone the way he would see fit if it mean protecting her family and after feeling guilty about it for a long time, after blaming it on her DNA she was finally in peace with it. You do what ever you need to do to protect your family and after sending Dean in jail she knew she was capable of anything for hers not because she had killer blood running through her veins but because she was a mother and that made her more dangerous than any serial killer on this planet.
"No. Despite being a cold blooded killer he's your biological father and he gave everything away for you, to keep you safe and I trust him. Actually if anything happened to you I trust him to protect you in a way Frankie, Frost or Korsak would not be able to. I will find him don't worry. Now just close your eyes while I work on dinner." Jane replied kissing her wife's forehead.
"Alright. Thank you Jane." Slightly closing her eyes feeling her wife's warmth filling up her own heart Maura felt slightly better. She knew she had no reason to be worried, that no matter what was going to happen in the next seven months she wasn't alone. She knew she had the best OBGYN in the country to help her and a wife who was extremely devoted and also a family willing to do anything for her. Life was good, it truly was, actually it was too good to worry about every single thing that could hypothetically go wrong.
Flash back :
Louis was now about three year old.
Today just like every other day for the past few weeks Jane arrived home just in time to put her son to bed after spending the entire day looking at crime scenes pictures. For the past two weeks she had been tracking a serial killer with Frost. Despite not having any lead Jane refused to stay at the station all night looking at the black board the way she used to. She was a mother now and going home every night in time to put her son to bed had become more important than her obsession with her job. Actually after being around dead people and murders all day coming home and holding her son became her favorite part of the day. Holding him feeling him breath, laugh in her arms somehow gave her the amount of light and hope and motivation she needed to continue to do her job without letting the darkness swallowing her alive.
So that night Jane was lying in her son's bed reading him his favorite story when the little man suddenly felt he needed to ask her a question, that question she knew he would eventually ask and that scared her to death.
"Mama, what happened to your hands?" Gently rubbing the top of Jane's hand with his small fingers Louis wasn't disgusted or scared by them because he was used to them but he always wondered what had happened.
"Well, remember I told you that my job is to catch bad people to make sure they don't hurt people like your mommy or you?" Measuring her words Jane was trying to find the perfect way to explain what Hoyt had done to her without traumatizing him.
"Yes, just like in my story. You're a knight and mommy is the princess and Boston is the castle you protect with uncle Frankie, uncle Barry and uncle Vince too."
"Yes. Well a long time ago before I met your mommy there was this...dragon that was scaring people. He was really really bad and one day he took a girl , a very young girl and he wanted to hurt her." Jane started thinking she could use Louis' book to turn what happened into a fairy tale.
"Yes but you saved her mama!"
"Yes I did. I found the dragon's cave and saved her but before I could save her the dragon hurt my hands and that's how I got my scars ." Saying those words Jane could almost feel the scalpels thrusting through her flesh pinning her on the floor and the blood in her mouth and even Hoyt's breath on her face.
"But mommy is a Doctor. Did she help you feel better?" Hearing her mother's voice slightly trembling Louis who was only three could feel that this was a painful moment for her to talk about and almost felt guilty for asking.
"Yes. You know after the dragon hurt me I never let anyone touch my hands because they hurt very much and one day I met your mommy. I remember seeing her the first time with her shinny shoes and her long dress and her expensive purse she looked..."
"Like a princess?" Louis smiled.
"Yes, like a princess and she talked like a princess too and she became my best friend. She was the first person who was allowed to touch my hands and I don't know how but she made them stop hurting and now they don't hurt at all anymore. But you know even if they don't hurt anymore I never let anyone except your mommy and you touch them."
"That's because we're your family mama, we love you very very much and I'm happy your hands don't hurt anymore so you can be a knight again and protect us." Burying his head in her mama's chest little Louis did not understand everything she had told him but he knew one thing though : his mama was a fearless knight and his mommy was a princess and she always knew how to make both of them feel better and he felt very lucky and safe having them as his mommies.
"Yes son, you and your mommy are my family and you always know how to make me feel strong so I can protect you." Kissing her son's forehead Jane felt strangely happy. She hadn't dreamed about Hoyt since she found out she was pregnant. Being pregnant, marrying Maura she finally had everything she ever wanted in life, she was finally embracing all the things she had forbid herself to even desire after Hoyt took her.
Holding her son Jane realized that despite what he seemed to believe she wasn't the fearless knight who protected their family against dragons and other dangerous creatures, Maura was. She had saved her so many time, after Hoyt took her the first time, the second time, or when he almost killed them the last time or when she found she was pregnant and later when Dean threatened them.
People always pictured Jane as the protective fearless Detective who was capable of doing anything for her family but the truth was that Maura was the fearless knight in her shining armure, saving her every single day, giving her the strength to continue to hold on and she knew she would never be the the mother she was today without her.
Alright guys, I hope you didn't find that chapter too boring. I know nothing major happened but I thought it was important for them to just talk about their fears and expectations and I wanted to slowly introduce Doyle's return.
Also, I remember promising you flash back picturing the past four years and I then forgot!
I only remembered while I started re reading the story looking for inspiration. I know I suck. I hope you enjoyed this one. I know comparing Hoyt to a dragon and Maura to a princess and Jane to a knight is lame but I figured the little guy is three so it might be the best way to explain it to him right?
I 'm going to try to write more flash backs from now on, I think they can be quite entertaining especially when included in chapters last this one that can appear to be less important chapters with less or not action.
On another note I had an idea : A challenge.
Send me a PM with a challenge for a one shot and I will write it. It can be a word, a quote or a crazy idea,or even a photomontage on tumblr, anything.
Maybe writing one shots and being challenged is going to help me with the small author's block that is bothering me.
One shots don't require as much work as a story like this one so it will allow me to post and keep you waiting between new chapters :)
