"I wonder that myself," Glinda said; her tone somber, "every single day."
--
Chapter Forty-Eight:
"Glinda please! You cannot do this!"
"You broke your promise and now I must uphold mine!" Glinda shouted as she held Elphaba's wrist far too tightly and all but dragged the green woman down the hall.
"I'm trying!"
"You knew the deal! You made your choice and now you must face the consequences!"
"Please! Glinda! I'm sorry!"
Glinda threw open the door to Elphaba's room and pushed her friend inside before following behind her. "I know," she said in a much quieter voice; a much sadder voice. "But you will never change unless you truly hit bottom. And it seems that the idea of bottom is just not enough for you, is it?"
"You cannot kick me out!"
"Gather your stuff Elphie, or what little stuff you have. I want you out by tomorrow morning, no excuses."
"Fiyero won't allow this!"
"Fiyero can choose to leave with you if he wishes but Mirelle and I are staying. You made your choice Elphie and it's clear to me now that the drugs mean more to you than any of us do."
"That's not true!"
"Then why did you go back to them!"
"I'm so sorry!"
"Sorry isn't good enough anymore!"
"You're condemning me into a life of a prostitution!"
"You made that choice the moment you sniffed up those drugs! If you become a whore again know that it was your decisions that led you there! Maybe once you are lying beneath those filthy men again you will come to realize how much this family truly means to you! But until that day you are not welcomed here!"
A green hand made contact with Glinda's cheek. The blonde closed her eyes briefly, to still her tears, before opening them again to make eye contact with her friend. "You will pay if you are still here when I wake up tomorrow," she spat out before turning on her heals and striding from the room; slamming the door behind her.
Elphaba sat herself down on her bed – her body slumped in defeat. She stared at a knot in the wood floor and waited. She didn't know what she was waiting for or how long she sat there but she did not move even as the door to her room was pushed open and someone sat down beside her.
"I'm coming with you."
Elphaba raised her head at the sound of Fiyero's voice and looked at him. She shook her head. "You can't," she whispered. "This is my life I have to fix, my soul I have to save. You must stay, for Mirelle. Little Mirelle. Darling Mirelle. She needs you more than I."
"You will have no option but to be a prostitute if you leave this house alone. I cannot allow that."
"Glinda was right, I made that choice myself. I will leave, like she wants me to. And I will come back one day, I promise you that, but not until I am sober. Until then do not try to find me for you know that if I do not want to be found then I cannot be found."
"This will break you."
"Or make me stronger."
"You are already within the grips of the drugs, this will not help."
"I need to get away from this, from you and Glinda. She was right – you are enabling me to do this. Perhaps… perhaps if I am on my own I will have no choice but to stay sober if only to keep myself alive."
"Or you will die from it."
"I'm not ready to die."
The statement was profound, was strong, was so un-Elphaba that Fiyero was stunned into silence. He stared at her and Elphaba, uncomfortable with such scrutiny, dropped her head to once again look at the knot in the floor that had just previously garnered so much of her attention.
Then she was on top of him, pinning him down against the bed. He was shocked at her frantic nature, at her fury and hunger for him, but he made no attempt to stop her. He knew she needed this – this one last time when it was for love and only love, not survival.
When they were done he held her naked body close; so they touched chest to chest. She was struggling to breathe after using for more energy then she should have. Her eyes were tightly shut and Fiyero just watched her as he held her. Watched her breathe, watched her relax, watched her stiffen as she tried to will away her nausea as the drugs began to filter from her system. He tangled his hand in her hair as he tried to take in every small detail of her – how she smelt, how she looked, how she felt against his skin – knowing that it could be years until he ever held her this close again.
"This could be the last time I ever see you, ever hold you."
"Don't talk like that," Elphaba murmured. "Let's just remember this moment as it is."
"How can I do that when I know that tomorrow you will be gone? That there is little chance you will ever come back to us?"
"I will." Elphaba opened her eyes to look at Fiyero and her eyes were full of love, though still hazed over slightly by the drugs. "It just… it might take a while."
"Or forever."
"Do you hold no hope for me anymore? Have you given up, just like Glinda?"
"No, I just live in reality."
"I hate reality."
"The problem with that is that it's real."
Elphaba scowled and rolled over so that her back faced Fiyero. He sighed in frustration. "Look," he said, "I don't mean to make you angry. It's just that… this is all so sudden. First I find out from the servants that Glinda has kicked you out and then, before I have even comprehended that fact, we are here… in bed together. I just, need a few moments to sort it all out."
"We don't have many moments left."
"I know that!"
"Then why are you trying to get me upset!" Elphaba screeched as rolled back over to face Fiyero again. "I'm already upset as it is! Do you think I'm happy about the fact that I have been kicked out! Do you think I want to leave! Do you think this is what I want!"
"You said –"
"I said it was what I needed! That doesn't mean I want it!"
"Fae… please… calm down."
Elphaba got up and began to pace, completely unaware that she was still stark naked. "How can I calm down? I have nowhere to go! I have no meaning to my life anymore! I am to be a whore again! How can I be calm about that? How!"
Fiyero sat up. "If you would let me come with you then –"
"No!"
"I don't understand."
"You never will!" Elphaba snapped out as she whirled around to face Fiyero. "You must stay here! Don't you see? I never had a family! I never got that chance! And I refuse to be the reason that Mirelle does not have one! You will stay for her, and that is final!"
Fiyero's expression softened as he watched Elphaba standing before him, so frantic and distressed. "She needs you just as much as Glinda and I," he whispered as he slid off the bed.
"I am a murderer! And a drug addict! I cannot be around her as I am! I will corrupt her! I will turn her into me! I just… I cannot allow that!"
Fiyero approached her, slowly, and gently took her into a tight embrace. She let her head rest on his chest and closed her eyes tightly to still her tears. "I don't want to go," she muttered, "but I know that I must."
"I fear you leaving here, I fear what will become of you."
"I broke my promise. I made my choice. And it seems that this timeGlinda is strong enough to truly make me face the consequences. I will do as she says, because she is right. I need this no matter how much I do not want it."
"She is wrong, for throwing you out."
"She is trying to help me."
"I don't see how forcing you into prostitution is going to help at all."
"Neither do I but I… I trust her. Even though I am furious at her a part of me still trusts her, still believes in her knowledge. She is only trying to help me. She has never intended to harm me, never, so why would she now?"
"If you need anything, and I mean anything at all, do not hesitate to come back here. I don't care what Glinda says… I don't care if she gets angry… you come back here the moment you get in over your head. Do you promise me that? Please… promise me that, okay? Will you promise?"
"I promise," Elphaba choked out. "But I don't intend to let things get that bad."
"Whether you intend them to or not does not matter. I know how cruel the world can be and I have seen how the filth of society has harmed you before. Come back to us before that happens for I don't know if I could live with myself if you were hurt again because of those disgusting men out there."
Elphaba nodded and took Fiyero's hand in her own. She led him back to the bed and, without a word, pushed him onto his back on the soft mattress. She smiled at him and he could see the lust in her eyes.
"Fae, is this really wise?"
She leaned her head close to his and he could feel her warm breath on his ear. "Please Yero," she whispered; reverting back to the old nickname for him that she had not used since their time together in the abandoned corn exchange. "Please… you said it yourself – this could be our last night together in a very long time." She ran her hand down his chest, tracing the blue diamonds etched into his skin. "Don't deny me this final pleasure, please?" She was pleading now but she did not care much for such a thing. She wanted him, she needed him, and she felt that she deserved him though she could not say why.
She needed one last night to be just a woman in love, nothing more, and Fiyero did not have the heart to deny such desperate neediness from the green Witch that he never could forget, no matter how hard he tried.
