Bella watched as the coffin descended into the ground. The priest was talking, something about ashes and dust, but Bella wasn't listening. She was aware of Dylan's hand on her back, Milly's sleeping weight in her arms, Zoe and Charlie on her other side, but other than that she was numb. She didn't really hear Milly cry as she gave her to Dylan, or Zoe squeezing her hand. She didn't feel the clod of earth in her hand, or hear it fall onto the wooden top of the coffin. It was only the words of Charlie's reading that managed to pull her out of her revere.
And death shall have no dominion
Dead man naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.
Somehow the words managed to seep through her consciousness and it suddenly hit her, that was her father lying in that ground. She would never see him again. Never again would he teasingly smile at her from across resus, take her out for dinner, offer her advice, a cup of tea, a glass of wine or just a hug. Never again would she receive the "keep a professional distance lecture" or the "the-nurses-station-is-not-your-seat talk" or the reprimanding look that said if-you're-that-hungover-you-shouldn't-even-be-here ." Her father was gone. The wooden coffin contained just an empty shell of what had been Nick Jordan. Not for the first time, or the last, Bella mourned wasted time. Five years was such a short time to know someone.
Both Bella and Dylan were due on shift, Zoe was still on compassionate leave. Bella hugged her friend goodbye, she was going to spend a week with her mother. It would be good for her to get away from the memories for a while. Dylan watched the taxi go with Bella. "You should take the afternoon off. We can manage."
Bella shook her head, "I need to be doing something. If you take Milly to the childminder I'll get a lift with Charlie."
Dylan nodded, knowing that arguing with Bella on a day like this would be futile.
.
As soon as Bella got to the department she got changed into her scrub top and straight into cubicles. She needed to keep busy. Her first patient was a young man who looked like he'd picked a fight with someone twice his size. Fletch was the nurse, he had a student with him. Bella thought her name was Aoife. Something welsh-sounding anyway. The nurse giggled at something that Fletch had just said in a way that almost verged on flirting. Bella sighed, interrupting, "Okay Fletch, what have got for me today?"
Fletch grinned and then nodded to the student, "Uh Aoife, over to you."
The trainee nurse nodded, "This is Liam Bendall, he's 16. He sustained facial injuries and chest injuries. His obs are all normal."
Bella nodded, "Has he had any pain relief?"
The nurse nodded, "Er, yeah. Four ibuprofen."
Bella raised an eyebrow as she examined Liam's face, "Four? Mgs, tablets, packets?" On another day Bella might have been a little less harsh, but today was not one of those days.
The nurse swallowed, "400mgs."
Bella resisted the urge to roll her eyes, "And are you going to tell me what happened to him? It's not difficult."
"Oh yeah, he got out of a Young Offenders Institute this morning and went for a drink."
Bella sighed at length, "Very good but I wanted to know about his injuries, not his life story."
Aoifie looked from the patient, to Bella and then to Fletch without saying anything. Bella raised her eyebrows, "Head torch, any time you like?" Her tone was sarcastic.
Fletch handed Bella an eye torch, helping his mentee out, "The trouble is, the drink went to his head and he got into a fight."
Liam scowled in the direction of Fletch, "It'll go straight to your head in a minute."
Bella ignored the comment, "Okay, keep still please. Left tender zygoma. Does it hurt anywhere else?"
"Yeah my pride."
Bella did roll her eyes, "Apart from that?"
The boy motioned to his side, "Here."
Bella pressed on his ribs, promoting a loud shout of complaint from Liam. She nodded, "Possible broken ribs, we might have to get someone from max fax down but we need to get him cleaned up first. Get a facial X-ray and a chest X-ray and then I'll review."
Fletch nodded, "Whatever you say Bella." He closed the curtain, leaving Aoifie to clean the patient's cuts. As soon as they were out of earshot of the cubicle, Fletch touched Bella's shoulder sympathetically, "You all right?"
"I'm fine." Bella sounded anything but the opposite, but the familiar determination was still there. "I would be better if you didn't use my time to flirt with your little nurse friend." Bella regretted the remark as soon as it passed through her lips, but what was said couldn't be undone. She could almost hear Nick's voice, Think before you act.
Fletch's face fell, "Sorry- I don't understand what you mean."
Bella just shook her head, marching into Nick's, now Zoe's she guessed, office, making the decision to do paperwork for the rest of the shift before her impatience caused any more damage.
.
There was a knock on the door of the office. Bella sighed and put the pile of files down. She was in the office, trying to distract herself with paperwork, but the constant interruptions of nurses and doctors wanting reassurances, opinions or assistance was making it difficult. If it was another F2 asking for a second opinion on an X-Ray she might just scream. "Come in."
It was Dylan. Bella smiled weakly. He stood by the door with a question written on his face. Bella shook her head, "I'm fine."
Dylan raised a single eyebrow. He didn't need to ask, his concern was obvious.
Bella put her head in her hands with a groan. "I'm too tired for this."
"Go home then." Dylan's ever-simplistic view would have made Bella smile, if she hadn't spent the morning burying her father.
"I can't." She had responsibilities to the department. She owed it to Nick. "How's Milly?"
"She's with the child-minder. She's fine."
Bella nodded, trailing her hand through her hair, it had pretty much fallen out of the messy french plait that she had put it in the morning. She sighed, pulling out the pins one by one and letting them drop on the desk. Bella twister her hair back into a loose bun. Dylan smiled slightly, "You've missed a bit."
Bella let her hair fall out of her hands again, ignoring Dylan's teasing smile. He was doing his awkward best to cheer her up. Dylan sighed, realising that no joke or smile of his or even talk of Milly was going to bring her out of this one. "Coffee?"
"Nope. I need to- I need to be able to concentrate properly. Can you pass me those files?" Bella pointed to a huge stack of files on the side.
Dylan raised an eyebrow, "Paperwork?"
"It's all the stuff that Nick used to do- Zoe's job now." Bella bit her lip. Dylan stepped across the office and wrapped his arms around her. Bella rested her head on Dylan's abdomen and breathed in. "Dyl?"
"What?"
"Thank you for-"
"I know."
Bella sat up, still keeping hold of Dylan's hand, "I just can't believe that he's actually gone. I'm waiting for him to come through that door and tell me off for moping around in here, or sitting on the desk or- I don't know."
"Go home Bells."
"I- I can't."
"I could do the paperwork."
Bella laughed, "You hate paperwork." Bella held up the first item on her pile, 'Morbidity and Mortality statistics over the rolling month period?'"
Dylan made a face, "Maybe not." He was pleased that he had managed to get a smile out of her, but knew it would be pointless to argue any further about her going home.
Bella smiled, "Get back to work Keogh."
Bella watched the door swing shut with a frown. She looked at the pile of papers on the desk. The numbers and letters swirled around the page into one black mess. Bella realised that she was crying. She blinked quickly, rubbing her eyes furiously. She stood up, looking around her father's office. She pulled a random folder off of his shelf and opened it. Pages covered in her black ink, her father's scrawly handwritting that was oddly similar to her own. She didn't read the words, just traced her fingertips over the lettering. And then she sat down on the floor under the desk, she had always hated chairs. It wasn't like Nick was going to walk in and tell her off. Ever again.
