Slight Return
Part Forty-Nine
The cab ride had been murder, fog seemed to slow it down tremendously; all he'd wanted to do was get there, catch up with Rogue before she went in there, before he'd have an audience.
Emotions were tearing him every which way, he didn't know who he was, or what he was doing any more, and he didn't care.
He'd tried to rehearse it in the cab what he might say when he saw Rogue, but in the end, he'd already known that there was no use rehearsing what he didn't know he would say. It wouldn't be until he was with her that he'd know for certain, he didn't know what it was he'd do until she stood before him, and he could see her eyes, and look into them, and know what he was supposed to do about anything.
It had struck him the minute that he'd made his confession that he'd made a huge mistake. He should have never admitted it, shouldn't have let his high running emotions and idiocy talk for him. He should have thought about it more, should have kept things from her the way she'd kept things from him.
It didn't matter...he'd know what to say when he saw her.
The drive to Greymalkin seemed longer than it ever had in all the time he'd lived in Bayville. The fog had gotten ridiculously thick, made the mansion seem non-existent as he stared up the long road towards nothing but a smoky grey white blankness.
For moment, he wondered if he were driving up some deserted road in his mind in the back of a cab of his own imagining. It even occurred to him right then that perhaps this was all still part of a persistent coma he'd never awakened from, and he was trying to get to the door of a mansion that would let him wake up into the real world again. None of this would have taken place.
He wasn't sure if he was sad about the thought of that or not. He'd wake up to find that he still remembered things, that he hadn't lived through all this misery. But if he hadn't lived through it...what did he have of his life? He hadn't been one of the X-Men, he hadn't learned valuable lessons...he hadn't felt...anything...
He paid the cab with the last of his money, he was a dollar short and he apologised, the cab driver was foreign, an accent Remy didn't recognise, and didn't seem to understand, nor kick up a fuss when Remy passed him the entire contents of his pocket and got out. He stood there at the open gates for a moment, listening as the cab drove away.
Too late to go back now, he'd have to walk all the way to Logan's...and he'd be soaked in the fog's bitter cold dampness...it would be getting dark soon...it was so far and he was wearing shoes that hurt. No...he couldn't back out. He had to do this.
Why am I doin' this? Why am I puttin' myself through this? He asked of himself as he stood, door poised on the handle, the sounds of the cab disappearing down the road. He walked slowly up the driveway, the backs of his heels on fire, stinging from the hard edge of the shoe that had rubbed away all of the skin and probably a good portion of the thin socks.
The walk up to the front door felt like an eternity, and when he got there, he stopped, wondering if he should go back.
No...don't go back, only way you can go now is forward.
He put his hand on the knob, but stood poised, not turning it yet, thinking about things. Thinking about how horribly hurt and humiliated Rogue had left him feeling when she'd said those things to him. How angry and bitter he was and...and something else...he couldn't quite pinpoint what it was.
It was no less than you deserved, he told himself. You've done a lot of bad shit in your life, was bound to be some karmic retribution somewhere.
He turned the knob and pushed the door open, it swung inwards, and he took the first step.
Odd, how already it felt like a strange otherworldly place in the short time he'd been gone. How there was an echo with his footsteps, an echo as the door swung and slightly creaked and thumped against the stop. The foyer seemed massive, spanning forever, marble tiles gleaming, deep oak and mahogany wainscotting polished and smelling of beeswax, the room dim from lack of daylight due to the fog.
He may have stood there for ten minutes...twenty...he wasn't sure. He felt trance-like as he stood there, not sure what to say, as things run through his mind, trains of thoughts and feelings he was unfamiliar with and confused by.
And then there was Rogue, standing at the other end of the hall coming from the direction of the formal living room, her hair soaking wet, her clothes soaked, her makeup smeared and ruined. He felt foolish to think how stunning she looked, how beautiful and perfect she was standing there like that looking like she'd been swimming in her clothes, her the shoulder of her loose fitting sweatshirt still torn, revealing just that hint of white shoulder that got his heart racing in ways that the most naked of women these days couldn't.
"Remy..." she said, in surprise, "Ah...Ah didn't think Ah'd...Ah mean..."
He stood examining her in the half-light, as she moved shadows danced over her, reminding him of darker parts of her that would always be there, and how, when she stepped into the beam of light at the open door, how there was still light in her. How her eyes sparkled even in this dim miserable weather...how there was still a glimmer there.
"I don't know..." he swallowed, "who I am..."
Rogue blinked, worried, her eyes searching his; he realised how completely foolish he sounded, she probably worried perhaps he'd lost more memories, lost himself completely.
Quickly, he continued, trying to think ahead, unable to, lost in the brilliance of her eyes, "I don't remember...who I was..." he licked his dry lips and took a breath, "I don't know what I did..." he chewed the inside of his cheek, "And I don't care."
She hugged herself against the chill coming in from the fog, her eyes still on his, her expression full of concern.
"I don't remember us..." he gave a slight shrug, "I don't remember the first moment I realised I love you...or...the first moment I knew I wanted to be with you...or..." he stared to the floor, trying to articulate it, "I don't remember wantin' to be with you...I don't remember sayin' I love you for the first time..."
Rogue's eyes seemed to blur with tears as he looked back up to her, guilt ate at him like angry piranhas.
"But..." he drew his breath, "I wouldn't be adverse...to the idea...of makin' new memories."
Her eyes widened a little.
"I can't promise I'll be the same guy...I can't promise I'll be as gentle...or as kind...or as good as I was. What I can promise...is that...if you need protectin'...I'll protect you...if you need comfortin'...I'll comfort you..." he drew his breath, "and if...you need a light to help you get through the darkness...if the darkness comes back...then...I'll be there...holdin' that light...doin' my damn hardest to try and get you through it..."
Rogue tilted her head, staring up at him, he could see her confusion and hurt, he could see the way her breath caught in her throat a little, the way her shoulders seemed to shake.
"You hurt me, Rogue..." he admitted. "You hurt me when you took my memories away...you hurt me when you kept things from me. You hurt me when you used that knowledge against me..." he swallowed hard, "and you hurt me when you told me you'd use me..."
Rogue looked away guiltily.
"But I hurt you..." he stated, "I hurt you when I kept a distance, I hurt you when I lied to you about things I shouldn't have lied about...things I lied about before the coma...things I lied about after..." he sighed. "I hurt you when I ran the other direction when you came back..."
She said nothing, just listened, her eyes focused on his.
"I've been runnin' this entire time, Rogue...from you...from things you've been makin' me feel. I thought it was just physical but...it's more than that. I ran 'cause I wasn't sure I could handle a relationship with you...with the special...situation that you have. I ran because I wasn't sure I could handle the dark place you were in...and then I ran 'cause I wasn't sure I trusted the good place you were in..." he sighed.
With a deep sigh, Rogue went to speak but he stopped her, holding up his hand to hush her.
"And then you showed up at that funeral...after all the runnin' I did...you ran to me...and I needed someone...and there you were...like you always have been at my darkest points..."
"Remy..."
"Ssh..." he pleaded of her, "lemme get this out while I can..."
She fell silent, frustrated and desperate to communicate her end. He had to get this out, he had to say what was coming to him before it wasn't there any more, before he fell silent, before he gave up, before he made the biggest mistake of his life.
"When we talked back at Logan's place...you made a comment that got to me...about how you would use me..." he admitted, "and somethin' struck me right then."
Rogue stammered, "Remy, Ah didn't mean-"
"Ssh..." he pleaded of her again, "Listen to me...it struck me right then...you said that to hurt me...and I didn't even care...I forgave it...the minute you left that door I forgave it...after all that happened. After all that was said..."
"How could you forgive that?" she asked, her eyes brimming, "that was...that was unforgiveable...Ah don't know what Ah was thinkin'...Ah was so-"
"It doesn't matter, you don't get it...I forgave it, I didn't care..."
"But..."
"And...I don't care about the other things either any more. All this time I've been getting mad and runnin' away from shit I can't change and...the minute you said that to me it struck me...why am I getting' so mad when...it's so obvious I don't want to be mad any more...?"
Rogue moved over to the stairs to sit down, she was unsteady, a little taken aback by the revelation. He came to sit with her, sighing deeply.
"I'm confused, Rogue, ain't gonna deny I'm not..." he admitted. "But I'm ready to start acceptin' shit and...movin' forward. I'm sick of hidin' and runnin' from stuff...and..." he put his hand gently upon her knee, "I'm sick of runnin' from you..."
Her eyes met his, she was too taken aback by it all to know what to say to him, he supposed he couldn't blame her for that.
"Thing is...in order for me to stop runnin'," he drew his breath, "You have to stop hidin'. You have to stop keepin' things from me...we have to stop keepin' things from each other..."
"Remy...Ah don't know what you're really...Ah mean...is this it, are you back for good? Are you sayin' you want...?"
"A relationship?" he asked quietly, "Maybe. But baby steps...can't start readin' a book in the middle and expect to understand what it's about...we need to start from the beginnin'...from the real beginnin'..." he said softly.
Rogue thought about this for a moment, "Ah don't need protectin'," she admitted, "And...Ah think...Ah'm through the darkness now...or at least most of it..."
Remy squeezed her knee affectionately, watching her, thinking it felt so surreal to get to this moment, for it to be happening like this, for it to finally feel so clear.
"And...if Ah'm to make it through any more darkness, that has to be done alone...you can't be part of that, and Ah won't let you be..."
"Okay..." he nodded, understanding.
"And as for everythin' else..."
"Yeah?"
"Ah think maybe you're right..."
A surge of relief seemed to spring through him, jumping through every vein, dancing through every bone.
"We need to start fresh...completely fresh. We need to have some long talks...get everythin' out of the way..."
"Okay," he agreed, watching her.
"What about the thing you talked about with...you know...the problems with...thinkin' about...me..." she asked quietly, "How are we gonna handle that?"
"I guess...it's just somethin' I'm gonna have to handle alone..." he replied, "it...ain't pleasant but...I'll wait. I'll wait however long it takes for you to be ready..."
"What if that's a year? What if it's two?"
"Then...I'll be needin' a lot of alone time, I guess," he supposed, a slight smirk playing about his lips.
"Ah'm serious," Rogue said softly, "what if all that time you can't handle bein' abstinent...what if you can't hold back and...you just...get the urge to go be with some other girl..."
"Not gonna happen," he assured, "pretty much no chance of that ever happenin'...fate seems to have designed it that way..."
"You're sure?"
"Definitely sure..."
Rogue stood up slowly and held out her hand to him. Confusedly, he took it and he stood up, following her to the garage where she grabbed the keys to the X-Men's van and tossed them towards him, "here..."
"Where we goin'?"
"Back to Logan's apartment, to take care of the mess we left back there..." she said as she climbed into the passengers seat. "Besides...we need to talk, and Ah don't want to do that here...the others will be back soon...and...there's a lot we need to talk about..."
Remy shrugged, thinking the mess seemed insignificant, but he climbed in and drove out of the grounds, trying to ignore that annoying Justin Bieber song on the radio that made him think of Rowan and her music tastes, and fighting to forget that by now, Rowan would be home alone, probably with pills and he would be able to do nothing to stop it.
"So..." he said, once they'd pulled out of the long road leading from the estate. "What's so important that we couldn't talk about...whatever it is back at the mansion?"
"You were right about Wanda," Rogue admitted quietly, "she...wasn't genuine..."
Remy hated that way his muscles tensed up at the mention of Wanda's name. Every time, without fail. His neck would grow so tense it hurt, absently he rubbed his neck, one hand steady on the wheel.
"She manipulated me...made me believe she was for real..." Rogue admitted.
He stared at the road, listening, trying to not snap about the subject. At least she was admitting the truth, at least they weren't arguing.
"She lied...about what she did to you..." Rogue admitted quietly, "Ah know you don't remember...but-"
"She knew what she was doin'," Remy finished, the words tasted like ash in his mouth.
"She snapped a little while ago...it all came out...how she knew what she was doin'...how she enjoyed it...she tried to ruin my reputation with the others...tried to make me out to be someone Ah'm not...tried to make Kitty out to be someone she's not..."
"I see..." he replied quietly.
"Ah let her manipulatin' me into bein' outside of the others, Ah overlooked Kitty and my real friends for her. Ah can't believe Ah let that happen. Ah...Ah'm sorry Ah didn't listen..." she sighed, "You've...always been so good at knowin' people inside and out, Remy...Ah don't know why Ah didn't trust you."
He gave a deep sigh, eyes still on the road. He couldn't look at her yet, the subject was all still so close to the bone. "Maybe I didn't do enough to help you see what she was like," he admitted, "Or maybe I was just too selfish to make much effort..." he supposed. "What she did...I'm glad I don't remember it. And I'm glad the others got to see who she really is...and I'm glad that you..." he turned to look at Rogue, "know where your real friends lie."
"Ah do..." she assured, "now."
It seemed to take a lot less time to get to Logan's apartment than it had to get from there. The apartment was just as he'd left it, the coffee cup – still full – sitting on the coffee table, now cold, the other cup sitting on the counter filled with instant coffee, the pot sitting on the stove, the wet dish towel in the sink. He went to clear up the mess, but Rogue stopped him.
He turned to look at her, her hand was gentle on his arm. He turned and stared at her, he wondered if there was more they had to talk about. All the situations. All the things they had to talk about, to get out of the way before they could consider starting fresh.
Instead of bringing up anything else unpleasant, she said seven words that shook him, that suddenly made the damp towel that would stink up the sink completely insignificant.
"Show me where the bedroom is, Remy..."
Remy was about to point towards it, slightly distracted by the thought that wet dish towel would smell and Logan would complain about it. And then quickly he realised what she had meant by the mess they had left.
"Rogue..." he breathed, "You're...sure?"
She gave a slow nod, he saw the slight fear in her eyes, the apprehension. But she was sure. "Just for tonight..." she stated, "tomorrow...we start makin' everything right tomorrow but...just for tonight..." she trailed off.
His heart skipped several beats, his stomach seemed to flip, his blood rushed furiously to his centre at the thought of what she was saying. For one moment, he had to wonder if he should pinch himself to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep and was dreaming.
"Ah can't...promise anythin'..."
He drew his breath, "I don't expect anythin'..." he licked his lips nervously, the thought that suddenly again they were alone, and together, and there was nothing now to hold them back, that they both understood the situation this time...it was almost too much.
There were no promises, no expectations, but so many possibilities.
They both stood at the bottom of the bed, staring down at it, the awkwardness hovering between them. Remy felt torn between his hard-on and his heart. Stomach in knots, breath bated. "We...don't gotta do this, you know..." he turned and gave her a soft look.
"Ah know..." she turned him towards her and reached for his belt; it reminded him vaguely of things he'd forgotten, of things that were only parts of memories she'd stolen. He wanted to erase all the pieces of those memories and put new ones in their place.
He stopped her hands, "not so fast..." he breathed, inside mind screaming like a lunatic why?! Why stop her?! You were so close! "You realise..." he licked his lips again, they felt so dry and hot, and his breath shook when he spoke, "that I don't even know your real name..."
"You don't even know your real name either," she reminded pointedly, her voice soft, "could be anything...could be Randy for all you know...there's some birth certificate floatin' around out there...with some dumb ass name on it as far as we both know."
"Seriously," he stated, trying to compose himself, body screaming for the touch her hands had promised. He pushed her down towards the bed, kneeling between her legs, hands rising up her cotton-clad thighs. The thought of touching her was nearly enough to send him over the edge, just having his hands on her legs was nearly overwhelming. "C'mon...it'd be a good place to start..."
Rogue shook her head, "Not yet..." she announced, her hands taking his from her thighs and moving them to her waist, then she reached for his belt.
Remy moved his hands down her hips and back to her thighs, "why not? What you got to hide?" he asked, hands skimming the insides of her thighs lightly, unexplored territory...at least as far as he was aware anyway.
"Who says Ah got somethin' to hide...?" she asked, moving his hands again to her waist, sliding them further towards her back this time determinedly.
Rogue's hands went towards his belt for the third time and while she was distracted with trying to unhook the thin clasp of the suit pants with her gloves on, he skimmed his hands back down her thighs.
"Oh I think you do..." he breathed, "right...here..." he swept one hand along the inside of her thigh and pushed his fingers between her legs, she let out a little cry and resisted him.
"Don't..." she pleaded, pushing his hand away, holding it further back from her.
"Why not?" he murmured, edging closer, "you got somethin' down there I don't know about?" he teased.
"It's just..." she sighed, "before Ah can...Ah have to know you're all right with all this..."
"All right with all what?" he asked, he used his free hand – the one she wasn't gripping away from herself – to brush her hair away from her eyes. "All right with you bein' virgin? You think that's gonna bother me?" he asked.
"No, it's not that..." she answered shyly, her eyes dropping between them, she dropped his hand nervously, "About...everythin'...about the future. About the things Ah can't give you..."
Remy sighed, why was she so resistant now? Just be patient, maybe she changed her mind, maybe she thought she could and can't. If she can't...deal with it, and just...let her have her way. You can wait...you've waited long enough, more time isn't gonna hurt.
"Like what, chere?" he asked, "understandin'? Patience? Passion?" he took both her gloved hands within his and held them, still kneeling there between her legs, his eyes on hers although she wouldn't look at him, "friendship...and...love...and security?"
"Babies..." Rogue raised her eyes.
The word shook him to the core, "babies..." he repeated.
"If this goes on for the long haul...you know there's a huge chance Ah may never be able to give you babies..."
"What if you couldn't have babies?" he asked, "would it be so much of...a bad thing?" he asked, "I mean...is that somethin' you have to have?" he asked seriously, heart sinking. "Do...you need that in your future?"
"No...Ah mean..." she swallowed hard, "Ah'd be a danger to children...and...even if Ah could get pregnant...on the way out, that baby won't survive..." she swallowed hard, "but you might want that...you-"
"I won't," he assured, he leaned forward to kiss her clothed shoulder tenderly, his fingers untangling from hers to pull his arms around her.
"But you can't know that right now...Ah mean...what if two years from now...or five years from now...?"
"Don't matter," he murmured.
"But it might some day..." she tried sadly.
Remy leaned back, looking at her deeply in the eyes, "let me ask you a question..." he began, he sighed, "what if it were the other way around?"
Rogue stared at him, not sure how to answer.
"What if I couldn't give you babies? Would it matter, would it make you want to change your mind...would it be enough to make you walk out of here?"
She didn't seem to need to think about this, she shook her head slowly, eyes never leaving his.
"That phone call I got earlier," Remy started, trying to think clearly over the rush of erotic thoughts flooding every part of him, trying to think clearly over the persistant throbbing in his pants, "was the results of a test I got done at the hospital that day we went...they want me to go in for a talk but...I got the doctor to give me it over the phone..."
Rogue's eyes squinted a little as she listened, expression worried.
"I was havin' a hard time thinkin' clear but...it was somethin' about some kind of fucked up genetic mutation...somethin' that most likely came from both of my birth parents...somethin' that fucked up the motility or...somethin' of my sperm..." he gave a vague laugh, "I didn't understand the technical explanation of why...only the layman explanation that it's highly improbable that I'd be able to get any girl pregnant..."
Her eyes widened, two green orbs of loveliness that seemed to reflect hazy images of himself. "Remy..." she gasped breathlessly.
"Don't pity me," he said, "it's no different than...bein' a mutant...or havin' brown hair...or...black eyes...or...havin' a good nose and a strong chin..." he shrugged, "It's...just genetics...luck of the draw...nothin' can change it, and feelin' sorry for me won't make anythin' any different."
"But..."
"If I can't have kids...and you think maybe you can't...that could just be...you know...a sign?" he gave a tiny shrug, "maybe even if it isn't, we should just...try to pretend it is, make it easier to deal with. There might be things you can't give me, chere..." he explained, stroking her arm tenderly, "But there's things I can't give you either..."
She sighed deeply, he was strangely encouraged that she didn't seem relieved about his news. She didn't seem to think she'd dodged a bullet...or that it had worked in her favour. Instead, she seemed only sadder. He couldn't believe how incredibly moved he was by that.
"I spent a lot of time thinkin' the reason I couldn't be with someone like you is 'cause of the things you couldn't give me...spent all that time with someone I thought could and...someone I thought could give me the stuff I thought I was supposed to have...but..." he frowned a little, "I'm not so sure I even wanted any of it...I'm not sure I was comfortable with any of it..."
"Remy," Rogue sighed, her gloved thumb brushed against his cheek gently.
Remy sat beside her on the bed and took a moment, thinking about the discussion. Finally, he composed himself, and began again. "I was stupid thinkin' you might be the one with all the limitations...didn't realise I had them too..." he gave a weak laugh. "Limitations...and short-comin's...and problems of my own..."
Rogue chewed her lip, "so...even if that's not in our future-?"
"Even if it's not...that's fine," he assured gently, "there's all the other stuff..." he continued, he tenderly worked his hand lightly along the inside of her thigh, "and if we find work arounds...or...if there's any surprises...we'll deal with that...when the time comes..."
She let out a little gasp as his hand met with her again, her eyes closed. "What if tomorrow you change your mind about everythin'?" she wondered aloud.
He pressed his fingers a little more against her, his other arm wrapping around her, "ain't gonna happen..."
"Once you've had what you want..." she whimpered, "it might be different..."
"Who said I was only gonna have what I want?" he breathed hotly near her ear, rubbing gently between her legs, feeling her body go tense in his arms. "told you there's things I can't give..." he reminded, "but what about the things I can?"
Her breathing quickened as his slow careful massage between her legs continued, he tried not to let the tiny whimpering sounds she made at even the lightest of pressure send him into a frenzy. She reached for his belt again, awkwardly, struggling to try and focus on the belt again. He took her hand and held it steady for a moment before placing it on his aching groin.
There were things he wanted, but he was going to wait, and right now, he was going to play the waiting game for them. Tomorrow, things would be different...but tonight...tonight would be simply the tester, the sample, the promise of things that would eventually come with time. And they would...he had no doubt, even without guarantees, he knew in his heart they would.
She swallowed hard, her body involuntarily beginning to rock against his hand, "It's..." she swallowed again, "it's..."
"It's?" he asked, trying to focus on what he was doing. He was so close to the point of no return already, something about her just did that, and had since that moment she'd returned home beautiful and familiar, with the light in her again.
"It's..." she gasped, "it's..." she breathed faster, she struggled with the word, whatever it was, seemed to be on the tip of her tongue, in gasps, faster, her body rocking, it began to come, "Ah—ah—ah..."
He expected it to be Ah can't, the slight resistance, the shaking, the way she was barely rubbing him as she was starting to lose control, her head fell back, "Ah...Ah..."
The way she moaned, the way she sounded, even with her touch barely there, he felt the warning signs, the knowing he was beyond any kind of control.
"Anna!" she moaned, her body was shaking with ferocity, he'd never heard a moan quite like it during the act, and it wasn't until he went to repeat it that he realised that it wasn't a word...
It was her name...
And as he went to say it, it came out in a strange nervous staggered breath as his body tensed and the pleasant fireworks in him seemed to burst and explode. They slowed, breathing heavily, sweating and trembling, her cradled in his arms, her arms sliding tentatively around him.
There was no guilt and there was no shame, only a strange quiet peaceful feeling, and the strange satisfaction that Rogue's name...Anna's name...would be the only one he'd ever cry out again.
THE END
Yes. It's the end. I made it to the end, it's now four am and I am absolutely knackered.
A huge shout out to every person here who has ever reviewed or added me to their favourites. It's meant a lot to me and has really kept me going. I know not all reviews and opinions about this story are positive, but I guess that's just the way things are uploading fanfic. Can't please everyone, I'm sure not everyone will be satisfied with the absolute ending I've put down here but I think you all the same for taking the time to review nonetheless.
I'm sure there'll be a few questions as to "did he give her Rose's rings" etc (we're supposed to assume perhaps in their future he will), or "why didn't we find out if Magneto did put Wanda in the machine as a baby" (you're meant to assume he did and just kept avoiding the answer because that's Magneto in this story at least). etc etc etc.
Otherwise, I hope that all of you are at least satisfied with the "Happy ending" (which I'm crap at writing), and with the way some other things were wrapped up. I know not every single thing was, but the important parts were at least. And the two ended up together in the end (don't kill me for making Remy's gun fire blanks).
I can't believe I've gotten to the end...and now I'm knackered and it's bed time. I hope you all truly enjoyed the story and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read. And now I must rest...goooooood long ressssssssssst. Love you all!
