A Stagnation of Love
Chapter 8
Part 9
That feeling wasn't entirely wrong. Practice was... a strange affair for me. Despite my panic, we got there fairly early. Early enough, at least, for me to collect my uniform from Horner out on the field and get changed in the gym locker room without running into many of my teammates. The uniforms were a hell of a lot better than the football ones, that was for sure. The shirts were long sleeved and predominately a nice, cobalt blue color with silver accents and details. It had the name of our school on it and what I assumed was my number, but there wasn't a single nautilus on it. The track pants were the same silver color that the shirt's accents were, with a single blue stripe running down the outer sides. Horner informed me that these were just the uniforms for the cold weather, he would order our spring uniforms when it got warmer. It wasn't freezing that day, but that didn't mean that I wanted to run around in a t-shirt and shorts.
I joined the couple of my teammates that had also been early on the bleachers by the track as the rest of the group filtered in one at a time. I made an effort not to sit on the other set of bleachers where Heero was sitting with a couple of parents, even though I wanted to. Like it or not, I was going to have to get used to my teammates. Although, as everyone arrived and sat down together, chatting and socializing with each other, it seemed pointless. Everyone knew each other well on the team, they had done this before and even if they didn't, most of them were friends anyway. Everyone knew me, too, but they knew of me, which was infinitely worse.
They sat a distance away from me, some of them wary of me, others clearly annoyed that I was a part of their team. Alex, when he arrived, shot me snide little glances. I tried to ignore the looks and kept to my own corner of the bleachers. You would think that, after eight years of being socially ostracized, I would have gotten used to being treated like a leper. But this wasn't school. For the first time, I was being forced to interact with these boys outside of school, as a team, and I don't know why I ever would have thought that it would be different. Still, it hurt. I don't know which hurt worse, the ones that outright hated me or the ones that were uncomfortable around me.
I suddenly wondered what the hell I was doing there. I wasn't a part of this, not like they were. They had history, skill, and most of them had been friends and on athletic teams together since elementary school. Hell, even the infamous Charlie Pensle had shown up. I sure as hell didn't feel like I was part of a team. I felt like I had for most of my life, that it was them and me, two halves and the two could never mingle. Even though Heero was a mere few feet away from me, I felt horribly alone, like I had after Quatre had died. For the first time in months, that grey, empty place touched me and I hated that. I wanted to walk right up to Horner and tell him that I had made a mistake, that I didn't belong on his team and I wanted to quit. But then the coach himself was walking up to us, clipboard in hand and the talking died down.
"I see that all of you are here. Great," he bellowed in that gruff, no-nonsense way of his that almost made it seem like he was being sarcastic, "Since we don't have a whole lot of time for what I want done today, we'll get right to it. Most of you have been through this half a dozen times by now, but for those of you who are new or still half asleep," he glared at Charlie who threw up his hands defensively, "here is a refresher. Today we work on placements. I will be putting all of you through the paces and deciding which events you will be best suited for. It will be the same as last year, with the hammer and javelin throw being cancelled due to the danger of the events."
There was a collective groan amongst my teammates, but they quit when the coach shot them a stern look.
"There are four main events: running, jumping, relays, and throws. Everyone is required to do a running event, including relays obviously, but only three of you will be in jumping and throws each. As usual, if there is an event you wish to participate in over another, I'll take it into consideration, but unless you perform well in your event, I will be reassigning you to another. First today, I will be pairing you up with a teammate and run you at 60 and 1,500 meter laps. Based on your performance, you will be placed in one of three running events: sprinting, middle, or long. Those that wish to compete in jumping will be next, first the hurdles, then long, triple, and followed by pole. Last we will do throw placing. Shot puts will go first, followed by discus.
"Now, when I call your name, take a lane on the track with your partner. This is not a competition. I don't care which of you finishes the meter first or how well you do. This is only to see what your strengths are and which events you will be placed in. I don't want any hot dogging or horseplay, is that understood?"
"Yes, sir," my six teammates chorused, but I noted that Alex had a smirk on his face.
I was sure that, to someone like him, everything was a competition. I hoped that he got paired up with Charlie, who looked like he was just as competitive, but Charlie got called up with Ben Strattenbrough as the first group. We watched as they did their sixty meter first, then the fifteen-hundred. Heero had claimed that Charlie was a talented athlete, but he didn't seem to have much affinity for running. He was definitely fast, easily beating Ben out in the sixty meter, but was far behind him after they hit a hundred and fifty. He had little concept of conserving energy while Ben was much slower than him, but constant.
It was interesting to me, how different everyone on the team was and how they ran. A couple of my teammates were seniors and, according to what I had heard them talking about, had been on the track team since elementary school. That seemed rather obvious between their current run times and how they had performed during try outs. The both of them were pretty fast and had a lot of stamina and I was really glad that they weren't among the boys that would often bully and chase after me. It was probably a good thing that they had been paired up together, or they would have made some of the rest of us look awful like they did the sophomore that was part of their group thanks to the odd number of us. My fear of being the outsider on the team faded as I watched them. So what if I didn't belong? This wasn't like football or soccer or any other team sport. I didn't have to rely on any of them. I only had to rely on myself, just like always, and that suited me. Nothing was going to get fucked up because everyone on the team didn't like me.
"Last group," Horner announced and I immediately felt my stomach fall to my knees as I realized that the only two left were myself and Alex.
What were the fucking odds, I thought with bitterness, that I would have to race against the one person on this team that I wanted nothing at all to do with? Alex turned to look back at me, shooting me a triumphant grin like he had had something to do with this and all of my anxieties that I was going to fuck up, that I wasn't going to be good enough for this team came back to me. I was going to make an ass of myself in front of Heero and Alex would gloat.
I shook my head at myself and stood up, walking down the bleachers to the track. No, I wasn't going to make an ass of myself. I had run against Zechs and I had beaten him, that had been the hard part. I was already on the team, and even if Alex did better than me, that was fine. Like Horner had said, this wasn't a competition, and as long as I did my best and didn't let Alex get to me, what did it matter? Not exactly easier done than said, considering that I was sure that he was going to try something to fuck me up. And I remembered what he had been like when he had been competing against Heero to get onto varsity, how angry he had gotten when Heero had struck him out. What would he do if I ran better than he did?
Ancient advice from Quatre filtered came to me. Keep your head down. Don't talk back. Just let them do what they want. I pushed it all away. Maybe in the past I would have flubbed this and let Alex do better than me, but not now. I had too much to prove to myself and my boyfriend. I wanted to be like Heero, I wanted to get back at Alex for everything that he had done to me, even if it meant just being faster than he was. If there was pay back for that, then fine. I hadn't let my fear of Zechs stop me and Alex wasn't going to stop me this time, either.
"What do you think you're doing, faggot?" Williams hissed at me as we walked to our lanes, leaning in close to make it look like we were just having a friendly conversation, "Do you really think you can compete with me? You just got lucky that you got allowed on, but you know you don't belong here. Why don't you just go back home to your trailer before you break a nail?"
"If I don't belong here," I glared at him, knowing that I was letting him get to me, but I didn't really care at that point, "then you have nothing to worry about."
He snorted at me and took his place in the lane next to mine. I wished that he had taken one further away so I wouldn't have to worry about him tripping me, but I wasn't going to let him know that he was getting to me by suddenly changing lanes.
"No funny business, understand me, Williams?" Horner snapped at him, but there was a look of worry in his eyes.
Horner, like all the teachers in my school, was well aware that I get bullied by Alex and his lot and while he seemed to have no problem with that during school, he seemed to want to keep it out of his extracurricular activities. I suppose in his view, it offended his athletic moral code or something.
"Don't worry, Coach," Alex sneered, "I'm not going to do anything but show this little girl how real men run."
"That's enough," Horner snapped at him, "Cut the shit and take your positions."
We fell into place, but Alex still had that stupid grin, like he thought that this was going to be amusing. If nothing else, I wanted to wipe that smirk right off, I wanted to show him that I wasn't the weak little pansy that he and his friends called me. Maybe he was bigger than me and maybe he was stronger, but that didn't make him better than me. Even if he beat me, I would make sure that I made him work for his victory. I channeled into that well of fear and rage and love that had let me save Quatre's life, that had gotten me onto this team in the first place. A well that runs so deep through me, I don't know where it ends or where it begins, a well that my father and Alex and his stupid friends had started digging so long ago.
'Sixty meters,' I thought with an intensity and focus that might have frightened me if I had stopped to think about it, 'Just go as fast as you can for sixty meters, just like when dad's chasing you. Run like there's something right behind you and don't stop, don't slow down, because if you do, it's going to catch you.'
I could do that. I had done that. My father had been training me for a moment like this my entire life, even if he wasn't aware of it, and I was going to use it to my advantage for once, not just for my safety. When Horner blew his whistle, I was on edge, waiting for it, and sprung forward not even a second after I heard it. Alex was right at my heels, just like he always was when he was chasing after me. But that was ok, because for the first time since I had shown up at this practice, I was confident that I could keep ahead of him. I had been thinking about how I couldn't possibly compete with him, but that was wrong. I wasn't competing with him. This had nothing to do with track, nothing to do with beating him. This was about staying in front of him, running away, not letting him catch me, and I had done that hundreds of times before. I could do it now, too.
It was a close sprint. Alex is fast, a lot faster than Zechs and Bran are, and he was right behind me the whole way. But it wasn't quite good enough, just like always. Like every time they went after me, I kept just far enough ahead of him that he couldn't touch me. How had he thought that he could be faster than me, I wondered with bewilderment as I finished the sixty meter, when he hadn't been able to during school or even when we had been trying out? Hadn't he realized that I wasn't going to fuck around? That my running away from him when he wanted to beat me up wasn't some kind of fluke? It was just like his tryouts against Heero, I realized. He underestimated us just because we weren't like him and fed into Zechs's bullshit that because Heero was a coward and I was a faggot, that meant we were trash and couldn't possibly compete with him.
Horner looked a little bit impressed as he wrote down our times on his clipboard and gave us a couple minutes of break time before starting our next run. I breathed heavily, my heart pounding in my chest as I stood there on the track, worrying for a moment that I might have pushed myself too hard and wouldn't have the energy for the second, longer run, but I knew my limitations. I dared a glance over at Alex and found him also panting and glaring at me like he wanted to rip my liver out with his bare hands. His eyes were full of rage and disgust and disbelief and, most of all, embarrassment. I understood that, if Horner and the couple of parents hadn't been there, he would have belted me one as hard as he could.
"Now for the fifteen-hundred," our coach ordered us when we had both caught our breath, "Take your places."
We returned to the white starting line and this time when I looked at Alex, he was staring intently ahead, his face tight with determination and anger. That confident smirk of his was long gone, but now he was taking things seriously. I hadn't seen his long run before and had no clue how either of us would fare. I know that I have stamina, but enough to keep up with Alex? It didn't matter, I thought. I had beat him in the sprint, that was enough for me. I had shown him that I wasn't the weak little faggot that he took me for, not in this sport.
Horner blew his whistle again and this time, it was Alex who was off like a shot, easily running past me. That was alright. I was slightly winded from exerting myself in the sprint and let him pull far ahead of me. I could hear cheering and booing coming from the bleachers, Alex's friends cheering him on while no one cheered for me. That was ok, too. I knew that Heero was there, watching me and hoping that I would beat Alex's ass again. I fell into a steady pace, something that I was comfortable with and wasn't putting too much strain on me.
Alex stayed way out in front of me until about five hundred meters, then I began to close the gap as his burst of speed winded down, having stupidly tired himself out before he had even reached the halfway mark. He still had some energy in him, but by the seven-hundredth mark, I had closed most of the distance. By the thousandth, we were neck and neck, and by eleven-hundred, I had passed him. Another hundred meters after that, I was pretty far ahead of him as he began to lag. I knew that he wasn't going to be able to catch up with me. I was still going steady and Alex was struggling to just to not lose any more ground.
Horner had this weird expression on his face as I passed him, half surprised, half pleased for some reason. I suppose that, if someone was going to outrun one of his veteran athletes, he was happy it was someone on the team.
"Not bad, Maxwell," he complimented me, making some notes down on his clipboard, "But you need to watch your stride, it's too long. Tighten it up. I also want you to do some sprint training. You're damned fast, but you could improve your stamina at that speed a bit. You have a great response time to the whistle, so we won't have to work on that at all. Your stamina over all is fairly good, but I think you can improve with more practice. I'm going to put you down for the two hundred meter and the ten-thousand. I think those will be very doable for you after you train up a bit. That sound fair?"
"Yes, sir," I nodded.
Ten-thousand meters seemed a bit much for me, but if he thought it was possible for me, I would trust his judgment.
"Williams," he turned to Alex, who was panting a lot harder than I was and glaring at me like a wet cat, like he wanted to rip my eyes out and shove them down my throat or something, "I'll say the same thing that I told you last year: you're plenty fast, but you need to work on your pace. You start out too aggressively and don't know when to conserve your energy! I told you last year to practice on that and I had hoped that you would improve by now, but obviously you haven't worked on it at all since then. Until you do, I'm keeping you in the sixty and hundred sprints. I expect you to make up for it in the other events."
"Yes, Coach," he ground out between clenched teeth, looking both angry at being lectured and embarrassed.
We went back to the bleachers as Horner and a bunch of student aids began to set up for the hurdle event. Alex's friends clapped him one the back in support and glared heatedly at me, like it was exclusively my fault that he hadn't done as well as he should have, like I had done something wrong. I suppose I had. I had dared to actually try to do my best instead of stick my head back in the dirt. Of course, if I hadn't intended on doing that, I wouldn't have tried out for track to begin with. I ignored them, proud of myself for once, both for doing well and for not letting them get to me. I wasn't worried that they were going to do anything to me, not now at least. But I would have to watch my back for awhile.
I had expected that, their scorn and anger. They had been fine with me being on the team, but only because they had expected, and no doubt relished, that I was going to fully embarrass myself and quit. What I hadn't expected was for one of the seniors to look over at me, not with irritation, but with a tiny bit of surprise and respect. I didn't know him, he wasn't part of Zechs's crowd, and given Horner's praise of him and the intensity of which he had run, I was willing to bet that this more than just an extra-curricular activity to him. I didn't dare to think that I had an ally in that corner, but he wasn't looking at me with disgust and disdain anymore, so I would take what I could get.
I sat down at the far end of the bleachers as Horner called us alphabetically to hear which events we wanted to try out for. I tried not to, as hard as I possibly could, but it like a siren call as I turned my head to glance at where Heero was. He was texting intently on his phone, but quickly noticed that I was looking at him. He grinned at me and flashed me a thumbs up. There was such... pride in his eyes, it made me blush and I can't accurately describe what it did to me, knowing that my boyfriend was proud of me. I smiled back at him and wished that I could communicate how glad I was that he had decided to come watch me. I had thought that having him be there, watching me, would make me fuck up and feel self-conscious, but the opposite had happened. Knowing that he was there had made me want to try harder, like I really had something to prove.
"Maxwell!" Horner called for me, "Your turn."
For a second, and thankfully only a second so no one realized it, I completely forgot what it was that I was supposed to be doing.
"Uhh," I said unintelligibly before my brain removed itself from whatever place it goes to when Heero is involved and came back to reality, "I'll just try for hurdles."
"Alright," he made a note on his clipboard and I was realized that he didn't seem all that put out about my refusal to try any of the jumping or throwing events.
"What's the matter, Maxwell?" Alex sneered, "We were all looking forward to finding out once and for all which throws worse, girls or faggots."
"Zip it, Williams!" Horner snapped at him, "One more time and I'm sending you home!"
Alex put up his hands in mock surrender, but a few other boys snickered, obviously thinking he was hysterical. I pointedly ignored them. Horner moved on to the rest of the group and I worried that I might get put up against Alex again during hurdles, but he only wanted the high jump, pole jump, and discus throw. Most of the other boys wanted the throwing events and the pole jump as well, leaving just me and two others with the hurdles.
Horner called the three of us up to the track to take our places.
"This isn't a race," he informed us, "While your speed is a factor, how well you clear each hurdle is more important, so take your time and try not to hurt yourself. You'll just be going for 400 meters this time to start with."
I felt like that tiny speech was made for my benefit, although one of the other boys, another Junior and one of Alex's friends, looked almost as anxious as I felt and I didn't think that he had tried out for this event before. The third boy was one of the seniors and he looked pretty confident.
Horner blew his whistle and we were off. Doing hurdles was a hell of a lot different than just running the track. For one, I was much less confident, and it took a lot more energy. I tried not to focus too much on the boys that were on the track with me, even when they pulled out in front of me, and just focused on what I was doing. I was a lot slower than them, and I was sure that I was going fall flat on my face, but I remembered what Heero had said about how I was good at anticipating things. That was the trick, I realized, not being fast, but clearing each hurdle and tried to switch my mindset over to that instead of merely speed and stamina.
The other two boys were a lot faster than I was. This was obviously the senior's event and he cleared each hurdle like he had done it a thousand times. Alex's friend, on the other hand, while he tackled each with speed, didn't jump as accurately. His food hit the top of the hurdles a bunch of times. He never fell, but he did stagger quite a lot. I also noticed that he hesitated for too long before each jump and then as soon as he was over one, he would try to make up for that loss of speed instead of staying constant.
I wasn't a complete stranger to something like this. I'm used to having obstacles in my way when my dad is chasing me, needing to leap over fallen chairs and other furniture or through windows, but I wasn't used to how winded this made me feel. Still, even though I was slower at it, I didn't hit any of the hurdles like Alex's friend did and I didn't have to slow down, either. I wasn't really happy with my performance as I finished the meter and regrouped with the others to get our results from Horner, but I hadn't completely embarrassed myself, which was something.
"Smith, great as usual," Horner praised the senior with a great deal of familiarity, "I'm putting you in the three-thousand and hundred as usual. Clemmons, you need to work on your jump. It's sloppy and until you learn how to clear the hurdles, I can't put you out in the meets. I'm putting you in the sixty meter, but I want you to focus less on how fast you're going and more on clearing, got it?"
"Yes, sir," he mumbled, looking a bit embarrassed.
"Maxwell," the coach finished with me, "Not bad for a beginner, but your speed could use a lot of work. Your jump is fine and you cleared every hurdle, but now you need to up your pace. I want to work with you on improving your stamina as well. I'm putting you down for the 110 and 400 meters. Think you can handle that?"
"Yes, sir," I told him and didn't think it would be much of a problem if I practiced it.
I didn't like the hurdles as much as running, but it was better than trying any of the jumping or throwing events and I was fairly confident that I could get better at it. I sat back down on the bleachers and watched the jumping and throwing events. It was pretty boring and I wished that I could just go back to Heero's now that I had done what I needed to do. The pole jumps and high jumps looked fun, but everyone except for me had been trying out for them and only about half of them were actually good at them. Alex completely flubbed his jumps, but made up for it in the throwing events, which I wasn't that surprised about. He had a really strong arm, and I speak from experience on that, having been hit by him enough times, but he isn't agile enough to do the difficult jumps or land well from them.
Horner gave the events to those that did well and moved on to giving us a summary of what we were going to practice on that season, handing out some print outs that he had made of our meet and practice schedules and going over some of the exercises he wanted us to do at home, all of them pretty doable. Then, miracle of all miracles, we were free. I could have screamed with relief, completely exhausted after running so much and getting no sleep. If I hadn't had a nice, warm bed at Heero's house to collapse into, I might have fallen asleep right there on the freezing cold, metal bleachers. My teammates ran to the locker room to shower, which sounded like an amazing idea, but I waited for Heero as he ran over to me.
"You're incredible!" he gushed at me and shoved a bottle of water at me, "Here, you look like you could use this."
"No, you're incredible," I said as I downed half of it right there, feeling like I could have kissed him for thinking about me to get some water.
"I mean it, that was amazing. You did even better than you did during tryouts," his blush made my face turn as red as a raspberry, embarrassed but secretly happy that he thought that about me, "Alex looked so furious!"
Until he had said it, I hadn't felt that I had done anything even slightly remarkable, but I supposed he was right. I had beaten Alex twice, which was a victory onto itself, and even Horner hadn't had many complaints about my performance. Maybe I could do this after all.
"Maxwell!" I heard my coach call out to me as he strode up to us, "Glad you showed up today," he said, somehow not making that sound like he was accusing me of something, "You should have been on this team your Freshman year, but I'm glad you're on it now," he thrust another piece of paper at me that I had little choice but to accept, "I run the cross-country team in the fall. I want you on that one, as well. It's an eight mile run through different terrains and I think you'd be perfect for it."
"Thank you, sir," I said, a bit blown away that he was still trying to sign me up for things, "I'll think about it."
"You'd better do a lot more than just think about it," he said gruffly, but there was little heat to it.
I was relieved when he walked away, going over to harass some of the parents. It was a bit too much for me in one day. Track and my upcoming date were literally the only things that I had the mental capacity to think on at that point.
"I'm going to go take a quick shower," I thrust my thumb in the direction of the locker room, "Just to get some of this sweat off of me, I stink."
"I'll come with you," he said in a rush, his eyes darting distrustfully to the door leading into the gymnasium, "To watch your back."
"Good idea," I nodded.
Just because Zechs wasn't around, it didn't mean that I couldn't get ambushed in the locker room. With how pissed Alex had been, he was probably eager to get back at me, and the last thing I wanted was to go to our date tonight with a black eye. We walked into the locker room together and found about half of the team just milling around, chatting while the rest were showering. They fell dead silent when we walked in, some of them giving Heero weird looks, no doubt wondering what he was doing there. I wanted to yell at them that he wouldn't need to be there at all if they didn't act like animals around me.
"Hey," Alex stepped forward, blocking us and folding his arms over his chest, "Who said that you could come in here? This locker room is for boys only. We don't want to shower with any faggots. It might give you ideas."
"Oh, give me a break," Heero snapped, suddenly getting angry, "He showers in here after gym every, single day. And he's on your team! He can shower just like any one of you!"
"Shut up, fag-lover," Alex sneered at him, "No one was talking to you. And he's only here because Coach lost his damned mind, it doesn't mean that I have to put up with it!"
"Heero, just drop it," I sighed, not wanting this to escalate to anything, especially when it wasn't even a big deal, "Let's just go."
"Yeah, Heero," Alex jeered, "Why don't you just toddle off with your little girlfriend?"
Heero narrowed his eyes at him, all cold, icy blue and I became frightened that this really was going to come to blows.
"No," he said just as coldly as his stare, "You're going to let him shower. Or do I need to bring Horner in on this? Tell him that his team can't even get along for five minutes unsupervised?"
"Jesus, you really are a coward!" Alex laughed in amazement, "You're going to go run crying to Daddy because of the mean kids?"
"Yes," my boyfriend said bluntly, not back down and amazing Alex and everyone else, even me.
Zechs would have called his bluff and beaten him up anyway, not really caring if Heero told on him and I knew that it would have been a bluff if Zechs had been involved.
"Whatever," our bully snapped angrily, proving that he wasn't Zechs in the least, "The little pansy can shower, but if he tries anything-"
"What, you're scared of him?" Heero jeered at him, "You've been calling him a girl this entire practice, but you're scared that you can't defend yourself?"
"Give me a break," Alex shot back, "Who could be afraid of a limp-wristed little fairy like him?"
But as I looked at my teammates, looked at Alex, I realized that they were. Behind the anger and contempt and disgust, there was a tiny bit of fear in their eyes. They really were uncomfortable with me showering around them, even though I had been doing so for years. I felt my previous good mood evaporate into nothing. I felt hurt and very sad, even though I should have expected nothing else from them. Each and every one of them truly believed that I was capable of it, of raping and molesting another boy. We might run together, be a team, compete together, but in the back of their minds, that's all I would be. An ass raping faggot. I remembered what Trowa had told me what seemed like years ago but had only been months. That he would accuse me of rape if we were ever caught. And everyone would believe him.
I was allowed to walk past Alex and his friends and find a shower stall without incident, but it didn't feel like a victory to me. I felt ashamed. I felt like I was going to throw up. It wasn't anything new, I told myself as I undressed in the stall, putting my clothes on the shelf where they wouldn't get wet. I had always known that while Zechs might go after me and say those horrible things just to hurt me, a lot of the others that bullied me actually believed all that crap. But that did nothing to make me feel better. None of them knew a single thing about me, but they could judge me like that, all because they knew that I was gay.
It made me feel so hopeless. Was this what I was going to face for the rest of my life? This scorn and bigotry? Was this what I was exposing Heero to by being his friend, by dating him? I had been lucky, in retrospect, that word of my sexuality hadn't spread more than it had. I was sure that a bunch of parents knew. My teachers sure did. But for whatever reason, even though Nausten is small and people love to gossip here, none of my coworkers, parents, or my bosses had heard the rumors. Or if they had, they had decided it was just that, a rumor. How long before that changed? How long before the word got out and everyone began to treat me like this?
How long before Leneski or Lorathe found out? Would I get fired? Would I lose what little hope I had of staying employed after graduation? How long before my father got word that all the kids in town at least thought that his son was a faggot? How long before he started to wonder if it was true? Or my mother? But worst of all, how long could Heero and I keep seeing each other before someone started to ask questions, before that taint began to grow on him as well? How could he possibly want to risk this, just for me?!
In the time that it took me to shower, I came close to deciding to just break up with Heero. This was too terrible, too cruel of a fate to put on him. He might be leaving Nausten to go to college, but he still had over a year here. How would he take it if we got caught together, if people found out that he's gay, too? Fuck, how would his parents take it? A horrible thought came to me as I quickly put some cheap shampoo in my hair. Heero's parents had moved them because they had wanted to spare him from shit like this, because they had been afraid for him. What if they found out that I was getting bullied because of my sexuality, or that we were dating and might get caught? Would they move again? Would they pack up everything and disappear from my life?
This horrible pain ripped through my chest and I felt tears pour down my cheeks. I couldn't lie to myself that it was just water from the shower. Tears are a funny thing like that. You can always tell the difference. If Heero and his family moved away, I... I don't know what I would do. What was the point without him? What was the point of anything at all? I rinsed the shampoo from my hair and scrubbed at my face with my hands. If Heero left me here, all alone again... I couldn't survive that. I couldn't go back to the way things were before I had met him, that emptiness. I would rather die. Maybe I could have gone on before, but now that I know what it's like to be in love with someone, to have someone that loves you back, not just him but his parents as well...
I had been in stagnation for so long, stuck in the grey mire of loneliness and depression before Heero had come along and propelled me forward into something beautiful and wonderful. I can never go back now. Anything would be better than being alone again, even breaking his heart. I'll tell him, I decided as I turned off the water and dried myself off with one of the thin, scratchy towels that the school stocked in the locker room. I'll tell him that I can't do this. I'll call off our date and this relationship and we can go back to being friends. He'll be safe, his parents won't ever have to know, and everything will go back to the way that it was. Our hearts might break, but he would be safe and I could live with that, couldn't I?
I dressed back into my clothes, hastily put my hair back up without combing it with more than my fingers, and left the stall. I couldn't hear any other showers going and the room seemed to be deserted, thankfully. Either I had taken longer than I thought that I had or they had left, not wanting to be around me. I felt that hurt again, but it seemed so small and pathetic now that I had something in my heart that hurt a hell of a lot worse. Heero was still outside my stall, keeping watch like some ever present guard dog. He smiled when he saw me, making something in my heart ache.
"Ready to go home?" he asked.
I froze, his words ringing in my head. 'Go home.' If he moved away... or worse, if he hated me if word about our dating got out, I wouldn't have a home anymore, would I? I had to do this, I told myself, I had to break up with him. It was the only way that I could keep him in my life. But as I looked into his blue eyes, suddenly just those words 'I want to break up' seemed so impossible. I'm so selfish, I can't even do something that I know is for the best for him, even if it hurts the both of us. But I needed him too much and I just couldn't risk losing him and making him feel the same pain that I had felt when I had come out, even for a chance to be his boyfriend.
I nodded and we left the locker room together for the walk back to his house. I told myself that I didn't tell him about wanting to break up because I couldn't do that to him at that moment, not when someone else might see it. But that was a lie. I felt like I had after he had told me that he liked me. Completely conflicted and feeling like, no matter what I chose to do, I was ruining his life, the one person that I truly loved. Every choice seemed like the wrong one and I felt lost and floundering for what to do. I could wait, I thought. I had promised him a date and I would give him that. After that, I could break it off easier. Couldn't I?
But then Heero would glance over at me or smile at me as we walked and I remembered the kisses, the light touches, the pure happiness that I felt every time I thought of him as my boyfriend.
Was I really strong enough to push away from him? But was I strong enough to put him in harm's way for my feelings either? By the time we got back to his place, I felt hollowed out and far too tired to be thinking on these heavy things. I felt like such a child, like there was no way anyone could expect me to make these kinds of decisions on my own. But I had to. If I tried to talk to Heero about them, he would just try to reassure me and it would work. But he is too optimistic, too hopeful, he doesn't get how the world works, how it can rip everything good right out of you and leave you with nothing. I never want him to figure that out, especially because of me.
Heero's mother was vacuuming the hallway between the stairs and the kitchen when we walked through the front door, but turned it off when she saw us.
"So how did it go?" she asked us eagerly, as we walked through the door, her smile wide and happy to see us.
It struck me like a physical blow right then that if things did get bad for Heero and his parents, I would lose more than him and the security of his home. I would never see Justin or Mariela again. I would never get to talk to her about cooking ever again. I would never see that smile. Devastated didn't even come close to what I was feeling.
"It went fine," I said very simply, my mind anywhere else but on track practice, "I got put into sprint, long distance, and two hurdle events."
"It went a lot better than fine," Heero scoffed, "He was amazing, Mom! He beat out one of his teammates who has been on the team for years twice, and he cleared all of the hurdles even though it was his first time. Coach Horner even said that he had potential."
I blushed, realizing that with how damned loud the man is, of course everyone had heard what he had said to me.
"That's great, Duo," Mrs. Yuy gushed and pulled me in for a tight, honest hug, "I just knew that you would do well! I can't wait to see your first meet!"
She pulled away and her eyes and expression were shining with pride. Pride for me. Her hands felt so warm on my shoulders, so real. Everything about her felt so real, even her praise and for a moment, I wanted to hug her back just as tightly, to forget about everything that I had thought and felt since I had gone into that locker room.
It was like getting doused in the face with ice water, like I was at last waking up. This was Heero's mother, the woman who had been a pillar of support for me through some pretty dark times, although I was sure that she hadn't realized that. What had I been thinking? That Heero's parents would just steal him away in the middle of the night and they would all disappear? They wouldn't do that to me, not them. I still felt my doubt, that fear that I was ruining everything and that I was going to destroy Heero's life, but the cloud of anxiety and fear lifted from me a little.
I had no control over Heero's life, I realized. Every time I had these fears and I rushed to make a decision about them, that wasn't fair to him. I had been treating him like a child, like someone who can't make choices for themselves. But he had chosen me. He had chosen to date me, even knowing that he was risking everyone finding out about his sexuality. Shouldn't I respect that? If he was willing to take that risk, then who was I to say that he was wrong and needed protecting. But he didn't understand what he was actually risking, how painful it is!
'Doesn't he?' an errant thought popped into my head, 'He isn't an idiot, he sees how you're treated, he gets it.'
But did he? Love sure as hell didn't let me make rational decisions. I rubbed at my forehead, feeling a pretty spectacular headache start to brew in there. What should I do? What was right, my fear of being left behind or my selfish desire to reach for that shining thing that I had always believed was unreachable? Should I take the decision out of Heero's hands and end it before things got out of my control, as they so often do for me, or trust in him, trust in his family, and trust that, if things did go bad, Heero was prepared for them?
"You look pale, sweetheart," Mariela frowned and placed a hand on my forehead, "Why don't I make you something to eat? I'm sure you're starving after all that running."
I was hungry, but food was the very least thing wrong with me at that point.
"Actually, I didn't get any sleep this morning. I was just going to lay down, if that's alright?" I asked.
At that moment with all of my insecurities and doubts and fears swirling around in my head, I felt more tired and drained than I had any right to be. I felt like I hadn't slept for several days, that just the act of standing up was beyond me.
"Of course," her expression softened into one of concern and she rubbed at my back in a way that almost made everything better, "Rest for as long as you need to. I'll let Justin know not to make much noise when he does the housework today."
"Thank you," I smiled weakly at her, finally finding the ability to do so.
I took to the stairs wearily, feeling like I was braving a mountain and found my tiredness ridiculous. I had skipped a single night's sleep hundreds of times, so why was this hitting me so hard? How many hours had I slept for the previous morning? Alarmingly, I couldn't remember. I suddenly felt Heero's hand on my back and glanced back at him. That same look of concern that his mother had had was all over his face.
"Are you alright?" he asked kindly, "You've been quiet ever since after practice. Is it because of Alex?"
That was a bit of a silly question, I felt, given that Alex, Zechs, and about a dozen other boys did that to me all the time and he knew it. The incident hadn't even come to blows, which such incidents often did, and the things that he had said hadn't been anything new or terribly original. I shook my head.
"I'm just really tired," I told him, which was at least half of the truth, "I think I might have pushed myself too hard. I'll feel better after a nap."
"Alright," he said, but didn't look all that convinced, "We can postpone the date if you're not feeling well..."
He looked so dejected as he said that. He was trying hard to hide it, to not let me see how much he had been looking forward to this, but I knew him too well and could read him like one of my books. I could only imagine what he was thinking. Unlike me, he was only looking forward to our night out and he was probably relieved that it was going to happen, that he would get at least that much from me. But there he was, giving me a way out of it. If I had been having any second thoughts, I could have jumped at it and said that that would be a good idea.
In truth, I still felt torn, and that feeling was making that headache blossom into a sharp pounding, but how could I do that to him? How could I let him down like that? He had pushed down his own feelings and offered me a way to back out gracefully and I loved him too much for that to hurt him in such a horribly callous way.
"No!" I protested quickly, almost desperately, "No, I'm not feeling sick or anything, just a bit worn out. When did you want to go tonight?"
His look eased into one of pure relief.
"Well, the mini golf place doesn't close until nine and the restaurant doesn't close until eleven, so there's no rush," he told me.
We reached the top of the stairs and Pepper was immediately there, pacing around my legs and meowing to be picked up.
"Wake me up at five, then?" I asked him.
Five hours of sleep would be plenty to function on, and I didn't want to rush him by waking up any later than that.
"Sure," he smiled at me, one of those soft, affectionate smiles of his that always makes me feel like everything will be ok.
Looking at that smile, I wondered how I could ever break up with him, for any reason at all. It just melted all of my defenses, all of my carefully constructed logic.
"Have a nice nap," he called out to me as I picked Pepper up and walked into the guest bedroom.
"Thanks," I called back and shut the door behind me.
I put Pepper on the bed and quickly put on my pajamas before collapsing into the bed. I can't even tell you how good it felt, that familiar bed. Hell, just laying down felt amazing. It should have taken me a long while to fall asleep. It usually does when I have so much shit floating around in my head. But one moment I was just closing my eyes and the next, what seemed like no more than a blink of an eye later, someone was quietly calling my name.
I couldn't even remember if I had pulled the covers up over me, but I must have, because everything from my mouth down was cocooned in them as I laid there on my side, my right hand the only other thing that had escaped them as it lay limp next to the pillow. I opened my eyes and the very first thing I saw were Heero's beautiful, dark blue eyes, just about the best thing that I could have woken up to. He was kneeling by the bed, watching me and that he might have been for awhile was at the same time endearing and uncomfortable for me. I had caught my father doing the same thing once in awhile, watching me sleep, just staring at me in this strange, unsettling way.
I hated that comparison and forced myself to drop it. Heero wasn't my dad. He had been watching me sleep because he loves me and it wasn't like I hadn't watched him the times that I had caught him sleeping. When my dad stared at me in those moments, it was like he was looking right through me to something else. Something that only he could see. When Heero stared at me, he was staring at me. My best friend and boyfriend smiled lovingly at me when he saw that I was awake.
"Hi," he said and reached out to brush my hair away from my face.
Any feelings of awkwardness completely vanished at the sound of his voice and I felt nothing but affection for him.
"Mmm, hi," I mumbled sleepily, smiling softly back at him, "Time to wake up?"
"Yeah," he said, "It's five."
He paused for a moment and then, his hand still on my forehead, pushing my bangs back, he leaned it and softly kissed the bridge of my nose between my eyes. No one had ever kissed me there, or so tenderly, and it felt so good that I closed my eyes and could have easily fallen back asleep.
"Sorry," he murmured, his lips brushing against my skin and not sounding sorry at all, "But you're just so beautiful."
I felt my face go red hot and I just kind of stared at him with embarrassingly wide eyes. Normally I would have protested him saying something so incredibly ridiculous, but I was still half asleep and all I could do was gape as his words rang in my head. Later I wondered if he had done that on purpose, craftily telling me something like that when he knew I would be able to argue. I certainly wouldn't put it past him.
"Shower's free if you want to take one before we go," he told me after he pulled away and stood up, faint blush on his cheeks and his eyes a little bit too bright, "I already took mine while you were sleeping. No rush or anything."
"Alright," I murmured, a shower, a proper one and not the half-assed, rushed one that I had taken after practice sounding magnificent.
He left me to sit up in bed and rub tiredly at my eyes. I felt oddly well rested compared to how I had felt before I had more or less blacked out. Everything that had happened that morning seemed like it had happened days ago and came back to me in tiny droplets. I remembered my little freak out in the shower and coming to the conclusion that I needed to break up with Heero with mild horror. I won't say that I was so far removed from those bleak and depressing thoughts that I didn't feel some fear when I remembered them, or that some part of me didn't want to go screaming back into that frame of mind, that I had to protect Heero from me, that I had to do whatever it took to keep him near me, but the sheer panic that I had felt then was gone.
What the hell was wrong with me? I mean, seriously, what the hell? I had had one thought, one single, terrible fear that I would fuck things up badly enough that Heero's parents would feel the need to move away again and I had freaked out. I suppose it's understandable. I've always been prone to pessimism, and given why Heero had moved here in the first place, wasn't it likely that they might do it again if they were worried about him? But even so, I had geared myself up for that possibility like it was going to happen and had been prepared to take measures to protect myself. I had been fully ready to break up with Heero, after all this effort talking myself into giving this relationship a shot, all over a single moment of anxiety.
Was it plausible that that might happen? Of course it was, but it didn't mean that it was going to. I could chalk it up to my tiredness. Think what you want, sleep deprivation can really fuck with you. I hadn't missed enough sleep to think that it had messed with my head, but maybe I was wrong, or maybe my anxiety had just had some really shitty timing. But as I sat there on the edge of the bed and remembered that terror and surety, it felt like I had had a moment of temporary insanity. How could I possibly break up with Heero just because I was afraid of him moving away if people found out that he was gay? How could I possibly think that his parents would do that to me, even if they didn't know that we were dating?
I hung my head in my hands. I could chalk it up to a lack of sleep, sure, and that probably had something to do with how quickly I had flown off the handle, but it wasn't the real reason. I was a mess, and I had been ever since Heero had told me that he liked me. I was frightened and weak and vulnerable and scared shitless of what this relationship was going to do to me. I kept bouncing from searching for a reason to call it quits and feeling completely incapable of it. I couldn't keep doing this, I knew that. I either had to call off this date right then and now and never look back, or actually commit to this relationship, no matter my fears. Anything less wasn't fair to Heero.
Pepper climbed into my lap, having decided that if I was going to hang around in bed, I might as well give her some attention. She meowed and nudged at my hand, almost like she was begging me to pet her. I picked her up and held her in front of my face, her not looking the least bit displeased with this.
"Too late to back out, isn't it?" I asked her.
She meowed again, like she was agreeing with me, and touched her nose to mine for a second. I buried my face in her fur, the feeling of it comforting.
"Like I could really do that anyway," I murmured.
I almost laughed at myself. That says it all, doesn't it? Even if I had let myself be carried away by my fear again, even if I had a completely logical and sound reason for wanting to break up with Heero, that I had actually thought that I could say those words to him, that I could just walk away and go back to being friends was hysterically naive of me. I put my cat down, grabbed the clothes that I brought to wear for our night out, and locked myself in the bathroom. I splashed some water on my face to try to wake up further and quickly jumped into the shower.
I washed more thoroughly than I ever had in my life, scrubbing my skin and hair almost neurotically, and then did it over a second time just to make sure that I was clean and smelled more like shampoo and soap than anything else. I got out, dried myself, and combed my hair until it was perfectly straight and silky. I automatically put it up in it's usual braid and frowned at my reflection in the mirror. It didn't look right. No, it didn't look good enough. I wasn't going to go hang out with Heero behind the library or at the beach or during school. I wasn't his friend tonight, I was his boyfriend, his date. And I sure as hell didn't look the part, as clean and neat as I was.
With frustration, I tugged my hair tie off, unwound my hair, and studied my reflection again. Having my hair down looked even worse. It looked girly. I pushed my bangs back and tugged at my length of hair, but nothing looked right. And really, what could I do with it? French braids, the only other braids that I knew, were even worse than my regular one, so were buns and any other way that I could put my hair up. I could put it up in a pony tail, but I have so much hair now that it would just get in my way. In that moment, as I glared at my plain reflection in the mirror, I wish that I would just cut the mass off. I was sure that boys with short hair had better options, like using hair gel or whatever. It would certainly make things easier.
"You're being ridiculous," I scowled at myself.
And I really was. Hell, I had just seen Heero. I went to school with him every day, slept over at his house. He knows what I look like and he, for some twisted reason, thinks that I'm 'beautiful'. So who was I trying to impress here? He didn't care how I wore my hair or if it was perfectly combed. He just wanted my company and he already thought that I was handsome, so it wasn't like my appearance was going to sweep him off of his feet. But I wanted it to. I had never really dressed up and fussed over myself like this for Trowa, but I cared what Heero saw in me. I wanted him to be proud and attracted and I had no clue how to do those things. This was not a territory that I had any kind of training or experience in.
In more frustration and defeat than anything else, I combed my hair again and settled for putting it back up in a neater, tighter braid, which looked a bit more formal than normally loose and quick one that I always go for. I applied deodorant, the closest thing to cologne that I had, and put my sweater and jeans on. They had looked nicer than any of the other clothes that I owned that morning, but standing in front of that mirror, they looked so plain and underwhelming. I felt like tearing my hair out as I looked at myself and wondered what the hell it was that Heero saw in me. The jeans might look nice with the sweater and the sweater might go well with my eyes, but I felt like a little kid playing dress up, trying to be something that he wasn't and failing miserably.
"This is as good as it gets," I told myself in what was supposed to give me a little bit of motivation and out of that bathroom, but it just left me feeling depressed and inadequate.
Not for the first time, I felt jealous of Relena. If not for her gender and personality, she would have been the perfect person for Heero. Pretty, smart, popular, wealthy. I bet when they had gone out on dates, she had put on an expensive dress and done her hair up in curls or something, maybe put on some perfume that was worth more than one of my paychecks. The sort of person that he deserved, if she hadn't been a total bitch.
Instead, he had chosen me and, really, was I any better for him than she had been? At least I had the right equipment, I supposed, even though I was incapable of using it, and we got along well. But there was so much that I couldn't do for him, so much that I would never be good at. I could never put on a suit and eat with him at some fancy restaurant or go dancing with him or be anything more than, well, me. I left the bathroom feeling dejected and, while not in one of my full depressive moods, heading my way there when I bumped quite literally into Heero.
"Sorry-" I began to apologize, but then I got a look at him and all coherent words fled me like a flock of spooked birds.
He had been getting dressed, too, but his effort was a lot more fruitful than mine had been. He had ignored his own advice to bring a sweater and gone with a long sleeved, button down shirt that was a dark, deep blue color, contrasting beautifully to the white slacks that wore. He also had a black jacket slung over one shoulder, a dressy one and not one of his wind breakers or winter coats. Those three articles of clothing looked like they each cost more than every single piece of clothing that I and my parents had collectively owned, and they probably did.
Like me, Heero had obsessively attempted to comb his hair to little success, but it's typical wildness only added to the whole image, like he had done it on purpose instead of being defeated by how thick it was. He looked like a professional model for men's clothing, everything fitting so perfectly, like it had been tailored for him, making him look like every straight female and gay male's wet dream. If I had such things, that image of him that night would have easily joined them.
"You... you look so handsome," I blurted out, unable to stop myself.
Heero flushed dark red at my compliment.
"Thanks," he said shyly, rubbing at the back of his neck, "You do, too."
"No, I don't," I muttered, looking down at the floor, and tugged at the bottom of my sweater self-consciously.
"Yes, you really do," he insisted and the sincerity in his voice made me lift my eyes from the floor and back to him again, "Look, I..." he paused and seemed as unsure of himself as I was, "Thank you for doing this."
It was his turn to look away from me as he floundered with his words, but he reached over and held my hand in his, almost like he was afraid that I might walk away from him.
"You didn't have to agree to go out with me," he said in this soft, almost guilty tone, "But I really appreciate that you did... that you're giving me the chance... I know how hard this is... how scary... So I just want you to know that it means the world to me, us... going out on this date."
"I wanted to do this," I assured him and if I hadn't been completely sure that breaking up with him would have been a mistake, I sure as hell believed it now, "I like you... a lot. If I wasn't such a coward..."
"Don't say that," he protested, "You aren't a coward. This isn't easy and I know your last relationship was a bad one. There's nothing wrong about being cautious. I would be, too, if I didn't want to be with you so badly."
My heart thudded painfully in my chest.
"I... I want that, too," I whispered.
I wanted it too much. So much that... even when I was trying so hard to focus on his needs and his wants and his pain, I kept chickening out on doing what I thought was the right thing. Because I wanted too much.
"I promise this doesn't have to be anything more than you want it to be," he vowed.
His assurances made me smile. I had agreed to this date and stuck with it because of him, because this was what he wanted. That's how I had chosen to think of it, that I had to do this to make him happy, but that was only half true. He wasn't the only one that wanted this and maybe it was time that I started acting like it.
"This is what I want," I told him and I somehow managed to make my smile more confident and less half-hearted, "Come on, you promised me one date and you'd better deliver. No backing out, right?"
I felt a stab of guilt at that. I had come so close to doing just that so many times... and there he was, starting to back track because he was worried that I was feeling uncomfortable. I had pushed all my desires aside, like I always do, and let my fear take the reins. I should have been overjoyed about going out with him, that I was getting something that I hadn't even been able to dream about, and all I had been thinking about was the bad, that it was a mistake before it had even begun. If Quatre had been there, he would have slapped me for being a moron, for over thinking something that was painfully simple. I loved Heero and he loved me. Going out with him should be the most natural thing in the world and I was already preparing myself for it's failure.
"No, sir," Heero said with a cheeky smile, "Oh, and dinner won't be for a little while. Did you want to eat a snack before we go?"
"No, I'm good," I told him and wondered why he looked relieved at that.
We walked downstairs together, him slipping into the kitchen to grab the car keys as I got the jackets out of the hall closet. It took me a minute to suddenly realize as he came back out of the kitchen not making a single sound that he was trying to sneak out of the house.
"I thought you had your parents' permission to take the car," I noted in confusion, not wanting him to get in trouble for driving if he wasn't allowed to.
"I got permission this morning," he said in a hushed tone as he tried to usher me towards the door and put on his winter jacket at the same time, "but I really don't want-"
"Trying to sneak out, huh?" I heard Mariela's voice, thick with a teasing and amused tone, from behind Heero.
"-to deal with that," he sighed heavily, only making me more bewildered.
He turned and I saw his mother there with her arms crossed over her chest, regarding her son with both mirth and suspicion, but when she saw the both of us entirely, including what we were wearing, her eyes widened.
"Oh, you two look so nice!" she gushed, making the both of us blush a little, "What's the occasion?"
I understood then why Heero was in such a hurry to leave. He had told his parents that we were going to hang out, but it probably looked a bit suspicious dressed as we were.
"I told you, we're just going mini golfing and to dinner," Heero said in a very put upon way, "It's not like we're wearing suits and ties."
"That's all, huh?" she lifted one black eyebrow.
Heero fidgeted under her unrelenting stare and I felt a thrill of fear that this was it, she had figured things out and we were screwed.
"Well, don't stay out too late," she lectured instead of accusing us of anything, "It might not be a school night, but Duo still has work in the morning."
"Right," Heero nodded, looking so relieved that he probably would have agreed to anything.
"Will you be staying over tonight, Duo?" she asked me, steering the conversation over to something a lot safer and less nerve wracking for the both of us.
"No, not tonight," I told her, ignoring Heero's look of disappointment, "But... well... I have a favor that I need to ask..."
I squirmed, hating that I was even asking for this, but my own discomfort meant little when I remembered how stressed my mother had looked when she had talked about waiting to go grocery shopping.
"Did you need money for tonight?" she asked me with complete ease, which only made me feel worse.
"No, nothing like that," I told her, remembering Heero's assurance that he would pay for everything, "The thing is..." I rubbed awkwardly at the back of my neck, trying to word things in the least pathetic way possible, "Things haven't been so great lately for us... I mean financially. A bunch of our bills have gone up and my mom hasn't even had the money or the time to go grocery shopping. I can probably go for her tomorrow, but I still don't know what our budget is going to look like. I know it's really rude and presumptuous, but I was wondering if I could bring some food home tonight for dinner and breakfast tomorrow, just to tide my parents over until I can go to the store tomorrow night. Soup or something."
"Of course, sweetheart," she smiled softly at me, "I'll make something nice and you can grab it on your way home."
"Thank you," I breathed with relief.
"You don't need to thank me," she reached out and patted my cheek lightly, "and you aren't being rude. I'm glad that you asked, but I really wish that you had told me that you don't have a lot of food at home sooner, we could have bought some groceries."
I shrugged shyly.
"I'm not exactly proud of it," I murmured truthfully, "It's not the first time that it's happened and we've always made do. And if my dad found out that I was asking, he'd be pretty pissed."
The sad look that she gave me just then was painful, almost too much for me to take. It was a mix of pity and worry and I just knew that she was trying to calculate just how long I had been going with little food in the house, that if she had known, she would have forced me to come over for dinner more often that week.
"You make sure you buy him a nice, big dinner tonight," she scolded her son, "He's far too skinny as it is."
I flushed darkly, but Heero looked amused, giving his mother a mock salute.
"Will do," he smirked and I wondered if he was finding my embarrassment amusing.
"Oh, and one more thing," that sly smile came back to her face and she grabbed her son by the shirt sleeve, pulling him in close.
For a moment, I thought that she was going to hug him for some reason, but she leaned in and whispered something in his ear. Whatever it was, Heero turned absolutely bright red and his eyes went almost comically wide with horror, a complete contrast to the grin on his mother's face when she saw his expression, a grin that I can only call naughty, or perhaps even perverse.
"Mom!" Heero choked out, looking completely scandalized and horrified, like his mother had just told him a dirty story from her teenaged years or something, "It isn't like that!"
He looked like he wanted to find the nearest dark hole to crawl into, an expression that very rarely ever came on to him, which of course made me even more curious about what it was that she had said to him. She just kept smirking at him with quite a lot of triumph and kissed him on the cheek.
"You have a good time, Duo," she told me and walked back towards her bedroom, the expression on her face every bit like the cat that had caught the canary.
"What was that-" I began to ask.
"Don't," he groaned, hiding his face in his hand, "Please, if you care about me, just don't ask."
I let it drop, not quite sure if I found their entire exchange amusing, even if I didn't know the reason why, or I should feel bad for him.
End Part 9
Author's Note: Sorry about the delay in this. I was recently hired for a job that is, I will be honest here, about the worst job possible for someone like me. I've only just gone through orientation and it is already making me incredibly stressed and dubious that I am going to last long at it. It has also forced me to drastically alter my schedule. For some reason, these last few days ever since I agreed to an interview for this job, I've been feeling incredibly tired and drained, unable to do much writing at all. I'm applying to more places in the hopes that I will get hired by some place better and less stressful, because this job is not at all healthy for me, lol. I also really wanted to include the date in this part, but it ran over thirty pages, so it will have to be in part ten.
I've gotten a lot of questions about this lately, enough that I am going to address it here instead of in individual responses. The question has been: do Heero's parents know that he likes Duo? This isn't a spoiler, so I'll say it bluntly: hell yes they do. Some of you might have picked up on some subtle scenes that were supposed to highlight this, but now I'm worried that they might have been too subtle. But there are definite moments when Heero's parents have teased him about something or done something that might seem odd, like his mother keeping Heero's bedroom door open when they're in there together and teasing him for being embarrassed when Duo went to wake him up. Because this story is from Duo's point of view, he has no clue what's going on. This is something that's going to be addressed in Heero's POV epilogue, but they've known that he has a thing for Duo a lot longer than Duo knew. And yes, this issue is a part of what they were arguing about, Heero arguing with his father, and Heero and Mariela's exchange at the end of this part. Duo just tends to be a bit oblivious, lol.
Fred Freeloader: The actual argument between Heero's parents isn't going to be touched upon until Heero's POV epilogue, but they were basically bickering about what to do about Duo and Heero's date that night. Don't forget how all of this looks from their point of view. They know that Heero has a massive crush on Duo and suddenly he is taking him out to eat at a nice restaurant. To any one that knows that they're into each other, it's obvious that they're going on a date. Duo doesn't really need to tell Mr. Yuy about the abuse. Duo has suspected for awhile now that Justin knows about it, which was confirmed when Justin stayed up with him when he had that concussion. Mr. Yuy even offers to help him if he wants it. The sad fact about cases of domestic abuse is that you need a complaining witness, either someone who sees the act first hand or the victim themselves. Duo isn't ready to tell on his father, so there is nothing Justin can do to help him besides what he has been doing.
