Hey Everyone! Here is the next chapter for your enjoyment. There's only a few left...I think. So, I will try not to make you all wait too long in between chapters. :) I'm finding that my problem with getting them out is that I'm never happy with these chapters. But I think that I got this one right so we'll see what you all think.

But first I want to respond to your reviews since you all are what keeps me writing this nad motivated enough to finihs it. :)

ToastedMarshmellow08: I can promise that everyone will get what they deserve. This town hasn't seen nothing yet...

courtingdisaster: The town will get their asses handed to them and maybe Spencer will get a little help from an unexpected source. ;/

Irishgrl33: I don't think pulling it off is going to be the hard part. I think the hard part lies in who she can really trust.

Harley Quinn Davidson: I can assure you that nothing has happened to Ashley. You will find out what's going with her...well...soon. :)

imaferrari: Maryanne's mother is definitely on Spencer's side in this and the last chapter was just a little taste of what's to come in regards to her. Everyone is definitely going to be getting what is coming to them. And I kinda like the idea of poetic justice. :) And as far as Kyla goes, she doesn't really know what the hell to do because she's basically never had a thought of her own...

degrassi1son: That was the idea. If Spencer died then Maryanne would be alive, unless Mrs. Wyatt didn't shut up. But Kyla couldn't let Aiden kill Spencer so they went with plan B.

Dushkusbitch: I'm glad that you decided to reread it and continue to read it. I finally was able to get enough time to finish it so here I am. And I still post it on the Spashley forum too. I never wanted to leave the story unfinished so...you know... Anyway, I'm glad that you like it and I hope that you like the way it ends. There's a few more chapters left so there's plenty of time for Spencer to make everyone regret what they did to her. And as for her parents...well...there's really no redeeming them in this story. At least not yet.

cathielove10: Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Nina Molotov: Well...I'm glad you like it. I like the element of surprise and I love being able to shock people when it comes to my suspense/mystery stories. I think it keeps things interesting. :)

DontMndBnCrazy: I'm glad that you're still reading it. Even if you can't review all the time (I know life can get in the way) it's nice to hear that you still enjoy it. So no need to apologize for not being able to review :) . And I hope that you continue to enjoy it. Everything is coming together and now, even more so with this chapter. :)

ConnieLaxer12: I always love hearing what everyone has to say. It's what keeps me writing it and finishing it up. :) I'm glad that you like the badass Spencer. I'll admit that I was a little worried about putting her in that position, especially since the story revolves around her, but I am a fan of the unexpected so I figured why not give it a go. I'm just glad everyone is liking it. I'm pretty sure that by now, everyone wants to cyber-punch Aiden or possibly do much worse things to him and if I'm being honest...I do too. :)

chunkymonkey3: lol...I like creating suspense and I'm gonna guess that the goosebumps are a good thing...lol. Glad you're liking it.

Ok...so I think I got everyone from chapter 49 (37 in the story) on...but if I forgot someone just let me know and I'll make sure to review your feedback :) But for now, on with the story.

This chapter is kinda important...just like the last. Let me know what you all think! You know I love to hear it! :) Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own SON...just borrowing the characters for my story.


Chapter 39: The Notebook

SPENCER'S POV

We've been sitting here for about three hours, just watching Sheriff Whitely and the crime scene investigators go over every little detail. And somehow I feel a little comforted by the fact that he is making everyone stand behind the yellow tape, even Mayor Jenkins. It brings me satisfaction to know that that man cannot get his hands on anything within a fifty foot radius of the bandstand. And surprisingly enough he hasn't complained too much about it. Although it is a smart move considering he wouldn't want anyone thinking that he was behind this even though the majority of us know that he was.

And ironically enough, the crowd is still as big as it was when I got here with no one showing any signs of going home any time soon. It's like watching the pieces of an intricate puzzle come together and everyone is glued to their spots, even though the coroner took my father's body to the morgue an hour ago. But nothing like this has ever happened in this town. Sure, Maryanne was murdered but that was up at the cabins near the camping grounds. It wasn't actually in town and I'm pretty sure that's the reason everyone is sticking around. I mean this town already has a national spotlight on it and a murder in the center of town seems to add to the dramatic aspect of this whole thing.

I look over to where Kyla is sitting and I notice that she is staring right back at me. Her face is filled with anger and hate but I'm beginning to think that maybe it's not entirely directed at me. Maybe it's directed at herself, or maybe it's directed at Aiden because he just tried to put his arm around her and she threw it off her shoulders. Ha! Isn't that poetic justice? Maybe she actually heard what I was saying to her and it really did strike a chord. I know she still wants to kill me and the feelings are mutual on my part. But I wouldn't wish Aiden upon anyone…even my enemies.

I see Sheriff Whitely walk over to his patrol car and grab what looks like a book out of the trunk before walking over to stand in front me, causing me to look up.

"Hey Spencer." He says softly.

"Sheriff." I reply evenly.

I look at the book that he's clutching to his chest and notice that it's a hard cover notebook with my name on the front, written neatly on a sticky note. My brows furrow in confusion as he reaches out to hand the book over to me.

"This is for you." He says tiredly as I reach up to grab it.

"You can't give her that!" Kyla yells from across the street.

The Sheriff visibly sighs before responding calmly.

"It's addressed to Spencer, Kyla." He says exasperated as he turns around to face her. "And…yes…I can give it to her. Now sit back down."

"This is bullshit!" She yells trying to force her way across the street through the officer's.

"Kyla, just sit down!" I say exasperated. "Seriously…you're making yourself look like a moron."

"Shut up Spencer. This isn't about you!" She yells desperately.

"Isn't it Kyla?" I say standing up but not moving from my spot. "You're just waiting for those cuffs to go around my wrists. You know it…I know it…and everyone else here knows it too. But you know what?" I say evenly. "It isn't going to happen this time. This time you don't get to play the judge, jury and executioner, Kyla. You don't get a say. All you get to do is watch your perfect little world fall apart."

"That book was dads and…"

"Clearly he wanted me to have it since my name is on it and all." I say cutting her off. "So what are you afraid of, Kyla?"

"I'm not afraid of anything." She says with uncertainty in her voice.

"Yeah…nothing except your pathetic excuse of a husband." I say condescendingly.

"Shut up, Spencer!" She says with irritation lining her voice and I know I'm right. Funny how she doesn't deny it.

"Make me, Kyla." I say calmly which I'm sure is the reason her face is turning red from anger.

"Ok, Ladies. Seriously…that's enough." Sheriff Whitely says sternly. "I understand the hostility in the air right now, but the two of you fighting isn't going to solve anything. And apart from that it doesn't matter. The act was committed and the forensics will tell the truth behind who did it. You two are sisters. You shouldn't be at each other's throats. And every one of your friends should be stopping this…not encouraging it. And your Mother…" He says looking over in her direction. "Your mother should be standing by both her daughters and not playing favorites."

"Yeah…well…our lives don't work that way." I say softly.

"Well they should." He says looking at me before making his way back over to the bandstand.

Kyla just sits back down on the curb following everyone else because what exactly can we say after that? It was weird to have a perfect family image put into our heads because I don't think any of us remember what it feels like to be in that situation. It put a weird vibe in the air and maybe that's what Sheriff Whitely was going for because ultimately it shut us all up.

A couple minutes later Big Joe sits down next me, as I turn my father's book in my hands. I'm debating about whether or not I want to open it because the information I find inside could mean anything. There are so many possibilities as to what is in this book and it intimidates me a little because this book could potentially hold the power to break me. But then again it could help me too.

"You gonna look inside?" Joe asks quietly.

I take a deep breath before looking into his eyes and answering.

"Not right now." I say laying the book in my lap and clutching it with my hands. "Maybe later."


And three days later, here I am, sitting on my bed with my back against the headboard and the book in my lap, still closed. I haven't looked at it yet and I can't seem to figure out what's stopping me from opening it. I mean I'm not scared because my life can't get much worse than it already has but something keeps me from wanting to see what's inside. Maybe it's the idea that I figured out it's my dad's journal that he was constantly writing in before everything went to hell. Or maybe it's because I know that once I open it, everything will be out in the open. I don't really know. Maybe I'm just not ready because I have other things on my mind. Either way, it's frustrating me to no end.

I let out a deep breath and place the book on my nightstand before lying on my back and staring up at my ceiling. I have so much to do and I can't do anything until the forensics results come back in two to three weeks. I have to wait it out whether I want to or not because the results of these tests are going to help me bring them all down. They may have staged the perfect scene and made an exact replica of the night that Maryanne died. But what they didn't count on was the reaction Mrs. Wyatt would have. They didn't count on her defending me. They didn't count on Sheriff Whitely closing the scene off to them. And they didn't count on me. So waiting a couple more weeks before I bring it all out is worth it just to see their sad, pathetic faces when the world they know comes crashing down on them.

I close my eyes and start to think about Ashley. I wish I knew what was going on with her. I wish she would just tell me that she's ok. But I really wish that she would just come back. I get that everything is hard on her but it's not like she's the only one dealing with this. I mean we all have to deal with this and I worry about what she might do. I worry that she's going to do something that she's going to regret. But, I know my worries are unfounded because I don't think Ashley's the type to just throw away everything she's worked for just like that.

It's just that I miss her. I love her and I only want her to be happy and I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not what makes her happy. Maybe I'm not what she needs and if that's the case then I need to support that. I might not like it but I at least need to respect it. I have come to the conclusion that sometimes what we want and what we need is the same thing, but sometimes we just can't have it no matter how hard we try.

However, I'm not giving up on her. I could never do that. And if she comes back to me then I will let the anger I felt when she left go because she means more to me than some petty fight. And I'm pretty miserable without her which, in some cases, is just sad because I shouldn't be so dependent on someone that I've only known for a fairly short period of time. But I can't help the way I feel and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with the fact that part of me has become this vulnerable little girl that I used to be. I'm okay with the fact that she pretty much has me wrapped around her finger. And I'm okay with the fact that I'm turning into a love-sick puppy who seemingly can't live without the one person that makes them feel safe. None of it matters because I would do anything just to have her back here with me. And if feeling the way I feel is a testament to that then I'm okay with it.

"I just wish she could love me." I say quietly into the darkness of my room with my eyes still closed.

"I do." I hear whispered softly.

And for a minute I think that maybe I'm hearing things. I think that maybe the universe is messing with me because it wants me to go crazy. But then I hear the door click shut and I bolt upright on the bed as my eyes pop open to find Ashley standing by the door in the darkness. And the thought that I'm just seeing things crosses my mind briefly before she slowly makes her way over to the bed and takes a seat on the edge beside me as I scoot up so my back is against the headboard again.

"Ashley?" I say softly, the shock evident in my voice.

"It's me." She says softly. "I'm sorry it took so long to come back to you."

And now would be a good time to answer her but I can't. I feel like my throat has closed up and the words are just a jumbled mess stuck inside of me. I'm happy she's here but I'm surprised as hell because as much as I need her, given the situation, I wouldn't necessarily blame her for running for the hills.

"Spencer, say something. Anything." She says quietly cutting into my internal rant. "Tell me you hate me. Tell me you love me. Tell me to get out. Just anything. Please." She says pleadingly.

"I don't hate you, Ash. I love you. I'm just surprised to see you." I say honestly.

She nods her head, indicating that she understands and lets out a shaky breath before breaking the momentary silence.

"I'm so sorry, Spencer. I shouldn't have just left like that." She says tentatively taking my hand in hers.

"Then why did you?" I ask softly.

She looks up and locks her eyes on mine and I notice that she looks like she hasn't slept in weeks. Her eyes are bloodshot and she looks so tired; a look that I'm sure is reflected in me.

"Because it's the only way I know how to deal with my problems." She says quietly. Her gaze never leaving mine. "But it's not an excuse. I never should have just left and I never should have treated you the way that I did." She lets out a breath before continuing. "It was a lot to take in, but I never blamed you, Spence. So if you thought that then I need you to get that out of your head."

"Ashley, it's ok if you did." I say evenly. "I know it was a lot to take in. I know how difficult it was to hear everything that my father said that day."

"But it was hard for you, too." She says cutting me off. "I wasn't the only one hearing those things for the first time, Spencer, and the way I handled it was childish. I walked out on you when you needed me. I was selfish and I never meant to hurt you like that."

"Well, I wasn't exactly nice about it either, Ashley." I say jumping in. "I said some horrible things to you and…"

"Yeah but you were hurt. I wouldn't talk to you and I know what it did to you, Spencer." She grips my hand tightly in her own. "But you always existed to me. I never wished that Maryanne was here and you were the one that died that night. You mean so much to me, Spencer. I love you. And the fact that you had to doubt that, even for a second, makes me disgusted with myself."

"Well, you shouldn't be." I say with a shrug of my shoulders. "You shouldn't feel that way because even if you did have those thoughts it would be natural. Everyone wonders 'what if' at some point so you shouldn't feel disgusted with yourself for being human."

"True…but Spencer, I never thought those things. I never thought about what it would be like if things were different. If they happened the way that they were supposed to that night. I never wanted you to not be here because without you I'm not sure who I am anymore." She says while keeping her gaze locked on mine and wrapping my hand more securely in hers. "I walked out on you at probably one of the worst possible times because I couldn't handle everything that was being thrown at me. I just left you without any real explanation and I have no idea how to fix it."

I take in what she is saying and compose my answer before I respond. The last thing I want to do is get this wrong and risk her walking out on me again because I really don't know how I'd handle that.

"Nothing's broken, Ashley. There's nothing to fix." I say evenly. "I mean yeah…you hurt me…but I hurt you too because I felt like I was losing the only thing that made sense to me. The only thing that actually meant something to me and I couldn't handle it. And I don't even know where to begin to apologize. But I am so sorry for all of it. And I know that you're sorry too. So, can we just say that we both made mistakes, we both hurt each other and move on?"

As Ashley is absorbing what I just said, I feel a tear run down my cheek. She raises her hand to wipe it away with her index finger and I can feel the love radiating off of her. I know that we have some things to work out. I know that she needs to stop running and I need to stop popping off at her. But right now, I don't care about anything but her. Right now I just need her to be here for me fully.

She gives me a soft smile and stands up beside the bed. And for a moment I get scared because I don't want her to leave again. I don't want her to walk out that door and away from me.

"Don't go." I say pleadingly.

I know I sound pathetic. But in this moment I don't really give a damn because I don't think I can keep it together on my own. Ashley leans over and lifts my chin up making my gaze meet hers.

"I'm not going anywhere, Spence. I was just gonna take my jacket off and sit with you…if that's ok?"

"That's perfect." I reply with a small smile on my face.

Ashley returns the smile and stands back up while taking her jacket off and walking over to hang it over the chair at my desk. I watch her as she takes her shoes off and places them neatly on the floor beside the desk before walking over to the other side of the bed and sitting down next to me, intertwining our hands.

I lay my head back against the headboard, close my eyes, and take a deep breath, feeling the calmness wash over me as we sit in a comfortable silence. I know that there are things that still need to be said, but for right now, the silence is a welcome change from the chaos of the last three days. I don't even know if Ashley knows what's been going on. I mean I'm sure she's heard something because it's all over the news but then again maybe she hasn't. Maybe she really was just doing some soul searching and avoided any media outlet that could be a constant reminder of everything going on here. I know that if I had the chance to shut the world out, I would. And maybe someday I'll be able to.

But for right now, I will deal with the chaos that has sent my life spiraling ten years into the past. All I see when I close my eyes is my father's body hanging from the bandstand and all I want to do is rip these people apart. Sure, I'm still pissed at the man for what he did to me but it doesn't mean that I wanted him dead. And seeing that image in my head is not helping me sleep at night.

I keep thinking that maybe if I open the damn notebook, the images will go away, but I know they won't because I still have dreams about Maryanne hanging in the shower. The only difference is that it got better. Those dreams don't come all the time like they used to and I'm holding onto the hope that maybe the dreams of my father will die down over time as well.

Ashley squeezes my hand and I can feel her staring at my profile. She's letting me know that she's here, as if I could forget, and I feel a small smile creep onto my face. Her gaze is intense, and even though I can't see it since my eyes are closed, I know that she's trying to figure out what's going through my head. I'm just not so sure I'm ready to share because I'm still a little afraid that she's going to leave again. And the irrational side of me is telling me that if I start talking then everything will freak her out and she'll run. But the rational side is simply telling me that I'm an idiot and she isn't going anywhere. So, right now I'm stuck somewhere in the middle trying to make myself compromise with myself. Or maybe I really am just going crazy because I'm pretty sure arguing with yourself this much isn't good.

"Spence." Ashley whispers bringing me out of my thoughts.

I open my eyes and turn my head to face her.

"Yeah?"

"What're you thinking about?" She says placing a soft kiss on my hand.

"Just…everything." I say softly.

It's not a lie. But it's not exactly me being open either. I know she can sense my apprehension because she clutches my hand tighter and scoots a little closer to me. I start to think that maybe she can read me better than I thought she could because the look in her eyes is one of love and understanding.

"Taylor told me about your dad when I got here." She whispers quietly.

"You didn't hear it from the news or something?" I ask.

"I didn't so much as look at a newspaper or turn on a TV when I left." She says honestly. "All I wanted was to clear my head."

I nod my head in understanding and look over to my father's journal laying on the nightstand. I know I need to open it. I know that I need to be prepared. Because no matter how much it hurts to read his journal, it is the only thing that's going to provide me iron-clad proof of the past. I turn my head back towards Ashley and lock my gaze with hers.

"What did Taylor tell you?" I ask softly.

"That it was like a repeat of the night Maryanne died. She told me that you and Kyla got into it and that Mrs. Wyatt defended you when Mayor Jenkins tried accusing you of killing him."

I turn my head so that I'm looking straight ahead and take another deep breath.

"Did she tell you about the notebook?"

"What notebook?" She asks softly with some confusion in her voice.

"My father's notebook." I say quietly as I nod my head in the direction of the nightstand.

Ashley sits up a little and spots the notebook with my name on it. Her brows furrow in confusion before she brings her gaze back to meet mine.

"What's in it?" She asks.

"Don't know." I state simply. "I haven't actually opened it yet. I've just been sitting here with it for three days."

"Spence, you should open it." She states seriously.

"I know. And I will. Just…not now."

"Spencer, I know that the last three days have been hell on you. And I hate myself for not being here. I should've been here for you but I wasn't. And I can't change that." She sits up on her knees and waits until she has my full attention. "But I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere because I need you more than I think you will ever know. These last couple of weeks have been horrible because I wasn't with you. I love you Spencer, and I know that you know that that notebook is important. So you have to open it. You have to see what's in there because, if nothing else, it could give you some closure or the final nail in the coffin that you need to take these people down. And I promise you that I will be here for you every step of the way."

And the sincerity in her voice makes me believe her. It tells me that somehow we will make it through this and work everything out, which is all I want right now. I smile lightly before leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on her lips. And immediately everything comes back. I missed the feeling of her lips on mine. I missed the way it felt to wrap my arms around her and pull her close. I missed the way her hands felt as they ran through my hair as she attempts to deepen our kiss and straddles me in the process. But most of all I just missed her because I have never felt so much in just a person's kiss before she walked into my life. I know she's it for me and all I have to do is finish what I came here to do, before we can really move on with our lives and put this all behind us.

"I missed this." She whispers pulling back slightly. "I missed you."

"Me too." I say quietly. "So much."

Ashley smiles sweetly before placing a quick kiss to my lips and moving off of me. I reach over and grab the notebook, placing it in my lap and lightly running my hands over the cover. I guess now is as good a time as any to start looking inside. I figure if I do it in doses, then the impact won't be so bad. But, honestly, I have no idea why this damn book is so intimidating to me in the first place. I know I'm just being stupid and I need to get past that whether I want to or not.

"Will you stay with me while I read it?" I ask tentatively.

"Always." Ashley says as she wraps her arm around my shoulder.

I lean into her side and bring my knees up so that the book is slanted in front of me. I slowly open the cover and let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding as I notice a letter folded up and tucked into the crease. I pick up the letter and unfold it completely before I begin to read.

Spencer,

I know that I am far from perfect. I have done many things that I am not proud of and I wish that, just for a second, I could go back in time and do it differently. At least then I wouldn't have hurt my baby girl. I never should have let them hurt you. But I was a coward and in some ways I still am. And a testament to that is the fact that I am giving this book to you instead of exposing its secrets myself. I know it's not an excuse, but when you have certain things drilled into your head every day of your life, you tend to throw common sense out the window because if that's what you're being taught then it can't be wrong. And as much as I knew it was, I couldn't bring myself to stop it and there is nothing that I will ever be able to do to make that up to you. Except for maybe this.

Chances are if you're reading this and it wasn't given to you by me, then I am already dead. So, I need to make it clear to you just how sorry I am for everything I have done. And mostly my regrets only have to do with the way that I treated you. Ashley was right when she said that no father should ever treat their daughter that way. She was right when she said I was wrong for the things I had let happen to you, rather than trying to stop it. And she was right when she said that I abandoned you. I took the easy way out, Spencer. And that is perhaps the biggest regret in my life.

But know this. There hasn't been a day that's gone by since I faked my death that I haven't thought about you. Not a day that I haven't thought about what a pathetic excuse of a father I was for not protecting my baby girl because that should have always been my first priority. I never should have let them put the blame on you. I never should have kept that secret from you when I wasn't able to keep it from your sister or your mother. I never should have let them erase you from their lives. I should have found a way to get in touch with you and let you know what was going on and I will never forgive myself for you blaming yourself for my death. None of what happened was your fault, Spencer. You never did anything wrong and I am sorry that everyone, including myself, made you feel as though you did. I have no doubt that if things had been handled differently then you wouldn't be in the position you are today and you certainly wouldn't be filled with so much hatred on the part of others.

And now I need to make it right even if it's the last thing I ever do. That is the reason that I told you everything in the diner that day and that is the reason why I am giving you this book. But be careful who you show it to because not everyone who you think is on your side actually is. So all I ask is that you keep your guard up because you deserve for this whole thing to end in your favor. You are the only one who can stop them Spencer and the time has come for that to happen.

So, enclosed in this book is everything that you will need to end this. This book is basically a written testament to everything that they have done. It is the only record that any wrong doing actually took place, and as far as they know I destroyed it after you had gotten out of prison. So, to them, this is simply my journal; but to you, this is proof of everything that has ever happened and when. Taped to the inside, back cover is a flash drive containing video of the crimes as well as documents that were forged for many purposes, but most importantly, the documents that they forged to put you in jail in the first place.

I know that I may never see you again but this is the only thing that I can give you that will even begin to make things right because you deserve to be happy. And I can tell that Ashley does that for you. She is an amazing person, Spencer, and I hope that you hold on to her because apart from you, I have never met another person so genuine and passionate when it comes to something they care about or someone that they love. I just wish I could apologize to her as well for all the years I spent lying to her about who I was and what had really happened to her friend. So if she is reading this with you then please tell her that I am truly sorry for everything that has happened.

Please remember that I love you, Spencer and I hope that one day, whether I am alive or not, you will be able to forgive me. Take care, baby girl and never give up the fight that lives inside of you.

Love always,

Dad

I fold the note back up and place it back in the crease of the book that apparently holds the key to me getting my life back. And I just thought it was his stupid journal. But no…My father just handing me my smoking gun and I'm not entirely sure that I know what to do with it. I mean a small part of me is still skeptical about this because he did lie to me for so long and it wouldn't be completely far off to think that he's playing me again. But then I think about the sincerity in his eyes that day in the diner and I know that this is his way of helping me out without having to physically help me out at all. This was his new easy way out and I just wish that I didn't have to doubt it at all.

"Spencer?" Ashley says softly into my ear.

"Yeah?" I say turning to look into her eyes.

"What's going through that pretty little head of yours?" She asks tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Everything." I say quietly. "I mean he gave me everything, Ashley. And I guess I just never thought that my freedom would come in the form of revealing what is in this book."

She smiles and places a soft kiss on my lips.

"Well, are you ready to be free of all this?" She asks pulling me closer.

"I've been ready for ten years." I respond tiredly.

"Then let's take a look at what we got."