Chapter Forty-Nine – Total Recall
Steven lay on his side, facing away from Peridot and making sure to keep his eyes wide open so he wouldn't inadvertently drift off. As soon as he heard her breathing slow and then stop, he rolled over to look at her. Her eyes were closed, the blanket was drawn up under her chin, and the green cat was clutched firmly in one hand. She was definitely asleep. Which meant he could put his plan into action.
Slowly and silently, he pushed his blankets aside, stood up and scanned the shadowy platform. Where, he wondered, would Peridot keep her diary?
He knew it was a horrible breach of privacy; unlike her audio logs, which had been made and replayed in full earshot of everybody, he hadn't seen a single word of any of her diary entries, which suggested she'd been careful to keep it private. And if it was anything at all like his own diary, it was bound to be full of deeply personal, private stuff she might not be happy to share. But he was doing it for a good reason, he told himself sternly. Peridot had been acting strangely for the past few days, and after Garnet's vague comments earlier, he didn't want to waste time waiting for her to work up the nerve to talk to him. If he wanted to help her, he was going to have to make the first move. But he was also aware that just flat-out asking if she was OK wasn't going to work this time. He'd tried that the previous day, up on the Sky Arena, and she'd avoided the subject. So if he could find her diary and see what was really bothering her (surely it really couldn't still be the mission to the North?), then he'd be in a better position to approach her.
But where was the dratted thing? He tried to think. Peridot's first exposure to diaries had been through watching Camp Pining Hearts. Maybe she'd copied the campers hiding places? Most of them kept their diaries under pillows or mattresses, so he checked under the stack of bedding, with no success. Then he knelt down and peeped under the sofa, where he did actually find a book wedged into the frame. Except it was the enormous bug book his father had given her, not her diary.
"I'm Percy and Pierre."
Steven jumped violently as Garnet's voice sounded just above him, and he sat up quickly and looked around, wondering if the other gem had come to help him. For a moment he couldn't work out where her voice had come from, but then he heard Peridot's voice reply "Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other!" and looked up to see an image of himself and Garnet projected upon the ceiling of the barn.
"Oh jeez, not again!" He quickly averted his eyes before he could see anything as mentally scarring as Pearl's dream and tried to block out the voices as he carried on searching – somehow, watching her dreams felt like an even greater invasion of privacy than just reading her diary.
"So Lazuli has Jasper trapped in a fusion?" Peridot's voice said faintly behind him. He ignored it and lifted the flap of a cardboard box. Inside was Peridot's collection of Camp Pining Hearts DVDs… except there seemed to be something wrong with them.
"You become like an entirely different gem and forget who you really are. Or so I've heard."
Steven didn't even hear Jasper's voice. He picked up a wrinkled case, stained with something orange, and turned it over in his hands before sliding out the inner case and popping out a warped, scratched disk. "What happened to you?" he whispered in confusion.
"I spent months holding that brute captive."
He put the case down and reached into the box again, pulling out another damaged one. And another. And another. Were they all damaged? He reached the bottom of the box and discovered that the answer was yes. "That explains why you got all weird when I suggested watching them," he muttered, turning back to Peridot, whose gem was now projecting an image of himself, sat on the grass just outside the barn.
"Just being on a ship with Jasper made me tired," Peridot muttered, somewhere out of sight. Suddenly the scene changed, and he recognised the control room of the Emerald Hand Ship. "Do you ignore all my reports?" she said, still out of sight.
"Just the boring ones," Jasper replied.
Then the scene changed again and he was looking at another Peridot, one who looked taller and fancier than the one he knew. "It's a very important mission," she said solemnly. "The details are highly classified. Yellow Diamond wants someone to check on the Cluster. You were personally chosen for the job."
"But… surely this is a job for a higher-qualified gem?"
Once again, Peridot herself wasn't visible, and Steven finally realised why. "You're not dreaming at all!" he gasped, and cast another look at the sleeping gem. "You're remembering! This is all stuff you've seen!"
Despite his earlier misgivings, he couldn't help watching as the other Peridot continued to speak. The only glimpse he'd ever gotten of Homeworld was when Peridot had called Yellow Diamond, and now he was actually seeing it through her eyes, he was reluctant to look away. And, he excused himself, if he kept watching, he might get a clue as to where she'd hidden her diary.
That said, the memories were a little difficult to follow. Peridot's thoughts bounced back and forth, wildly out of order and sometimes too fast for him to make out the details. But in between those moments were clear scenes. He watched, enthralled, as a group of completely unknown gems argued amongst themselves as Peridot looked on. Then she followed Jasper through a hallway. Watched Yellow Diamond on her screens. Walked past another group of unknown gems. Watched Lapis through a destabiliser barrier-
He recoiled in shock, suddenly realising that he was looking at Lapis's capture and interrogation back on Homeworld as Jasper said, "she's been there for a long time. She might have some information we can use."
"I shouldn't be watching this." He shook his head firmly and clapped his hands over his eyes. "There."
"I'd like to take her with us, if that's acceptable?" he heard Peridot say, and covered his ears instead. Both Peridot and Lapis would be mortified if they knew he'd seen this! He resolutely turned away and began searching again, trying to ignore the voices whenever he was forced to move his hands away from his ears.
"-sent you a message-everyone-Lazuli-wailing stone-have a package-I'm a Crystal Gem-Crystal Gem uniform-they already have stars-say to Steven?-can't say anything-don't tell Steven-they wouldn't believe you-"
"What?" His head snapped back up at the mention of his name, but the scene had changed again and he saw himself glaring down through the window of the truck before the scene changed again, this time showing himself and the Crystal Gems as they dropped through the sky towards her. "Oh jeez!" he muttered again, and shot an apologetic look back towards the sleeping gem. "We really messed up, didn't we? Oh!" He gasped in realisation. "Whatever's bothering you, is it something you think we're gonna get mad about?"
Of course, Peridot didn't respond. Instead, he heard Garnet say, "you are talking about things you do not understand!" and he looked up just in time to see her gauntlets smash into the control panel on the moon base, making him jump. Then things began to move quickly again.
"-think of the good it would've done-efficient use of all materials-don't care about potential and resources-you're an Era 2 Peridot, they made you defective-"
The image of Lapis glaring furiously down at him was so unexpected, it was several seconds before Steven processed what she'd said. "Wait, what?" He turned back to Peridot in confusion. "You're defective?"
"-fight you-shatter Jasper-you're an idiot-they get quite violent when they're angry-take Steven back to Homeworld-you don't have any powers-"
"Whoa!" Steven snapped his head back to the projection fast enough to cause whiplash. "Back up, rewind! Do what to Steven!?"
Maddeningly, Peridot's memories refused to cooperate. Instead, everything went blurry and silent. For a split-second, he wondered if perhaps it was something to do with her visor, but then everything suddenly cleared and Lapis was there again. "Unpleasant, isn't it-behave yourself, I won't kill you-act natural-thinks you're homesick-"
"No, no!" Steven wailed. "Go back! I don't understand what's happening!"
"-alone and powerless-summon your weapon-attack you-"
Suddenly, a water clone loomed into view, swinging a sledgehammer, and he shrank back in shock. "When- what- when did-?"
"Shh, darling. Trust me." Anna swung the sledgehammer and Steven immediately clapped his hands over his ears and screwed his eyes shut. He had no desire to see that scene a second time.
Apparently Peridot didn't want to either, because when he dared open his eyes again, the projections had stopped and Peridot was sitting up, hugging her knees and staring into space. Then she caught sight of the empty bed and began looking around. "Steven?"
"I'm here." He raised a hand and stepped forward sheepishly. "I uh, I… I have to go to the bathroom!"
Before she could respond to that, he shot down the ladder, into the bathroom and locked the door. Then he sat down on the floor and tried to think. "Where do I even start?" he muttered under his breath.
His name. That's when he'd first started paying attention, when somebody had said not to tell him something. They wouldn't believe her. Who was 'they'? Something about taking him to Homeworld. Who? Surely not Peridot! Even if she was homesick, she wouldn't do that! Who then? Not Lapis, definitely. Not after risking everything to send him a message and then fusing with Jasper to protect him.
Jasper? Steven thought hard. That was actually a definite possibility. Jasper had failed horribly in her mission, she had to know it would take something big to redeem herself. What better than returning to Homeworld with the gem of Rose Quartz? And Peridot, he knew, still held some loyalty towards the Quartz warrior. Was she worried that Jasper would want her help to take Steven back?
What about Lapis, though? He wasn't certain, but he thought it had been her voice talking about taking him to Homeworld. But if she thought that was possible, wouldn't she tell someone? Why had she been so angry though? What was all that stuff about 'Era 2' and Peridot being defective? Why had she attacked Peridot with a water clone? And why had all her DVDs been damaged?
He groaned and shook his head. "I don't understand anything!" He tipped his head back and stared up at the ceiling. "What is going on in your head?"
One thing was for sure, he wasn't going to get any answers from the toilet. He sighed, stood up and flushed it so Peridot wouldn't get suspicious. Then he left the room, climbed back up the ladder and climbed back into bed. Peridot had also lain back down on the sofa, but he knew she was still awake because he could hear her breathing.
There was silence for several minutes, and then Steven sighed and rolled over. "Peridot? Can I ask you something?"
"Go ahead," she replied.
He hesitated a moment longer, wondering if maybe he should start with another question, but then he took a deep breath and blurted out, "you're not homesick, are you? I mean," he carried on, "I know you've been feeling left out, and the mission didn't quite work out like we planned, and you miss your limb enhancers, and you're worried about Jasper-"
"Steven," Peridot quietly interrupted. "I'm not homesick."
"Oh." He nodded slowly to himself. "Good."
She opened her mouth to explain further, then shut it again. Because she was lying. She didn't want to go back to Homeworld exactly, even if Yellow Diamond suffered a sudden case of amnesia and forgot Peridot's various crimes and failures, if she went back, she wouldn't be Peridot any more. She'd be Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG, one of a million other Peridots, all with a single set purpose in mind. She wouldn't be allowed to learn anything new, she wouldn't be able to experiment with her newfound metal powers, and she certainly wouldn't be allowed to care about anything other than serving the Great Diamond Authority.
But… on the other hand, how much time did she have left to do those things anyway? Wouldn't it be better to live on Homeworld, knowing all the things she'd lost rather than waiting to be destroyed by Lapis at any moment? Not that it mattered, of course. Nothing was wrong with Yellow Diamond's memory, and Peridot had no way of reaching Homeworld anyway.
"I'm not homesick," she muttered again.
"What about Jasper?" Steven asked.
Peridot raised herself up her elbows and looked at him in confusion. "What about her?"
"Well, won't she be homesick for Homeworld? Earth hasn't exactly been a great place for her," he admitted.
"Oh." She lay back down and stared gloomily at the ceiling. "I don't know. Probably. Does it matter, though? As soon as she gets found, she's just going to be imprisoned in your bubble dungeon."
"Not necessarily," Steven argued, a little offended by that comment. "I might let her out."
She rolled over and narrowed her eyes at him. "Why would you do that?"
"Well… I let you out, didn't I?" he reminded her.
"I had something you wanted," she shot back.
"So does Jasper! Sort of," he added at her look of confusion.
Peridot frowned and raised herself back up onto her elbows again. "What does Jasper have that would enable her to bargain for her freedom?"
"She has you!" he declared, a wide, cheesy grin on his face. "You know her better than we do, I'll bet if you vouched for her and offered to explain things to her, the Crystal Gems would be willing to give her a chance."
Peridot snorted derisively at that. "I seriously doubt that. Besides," she spat, settling back down, "even if they were willing to take that chance, I don't think Lapis Lazuli would be quite so accommodating."
"Oh. Right, of course. Malachite." He smacked a hand to his forehead and groaned. "I didn't think of that."
There was silence after that as Steven stared at the ceiling and mulled over his next question. "Peridot?"
"What?"
"Did- is Lapis- are you and Lapis getting along all right?" he stuttered, and then bit his lip in annoyance. Real smooth, Steven.
There was a pause before she replied. "Of course we're getting along. Why would you think otherwise?"
He took a deep breath. "OK… do you promise not to freak out?"
"No," she said flatly, and Steven couldn't help chuckling.
"That's fair. All right." He rolled over and looked at her again. "So, I didn't know it was gonna happen, or I would've warned you… but when you were asleep, your gem sort of… projected your thoughts."
"What!?" Peridot shot upright, appalled. She tried to remember what she'd been thinking of while she slept, but all she could recall was Percy saving Pierre. After that… nothing. She couldn't even remember what had woken her up in the first place.
"I'm sorry! I didn't know it would happen!" Steven looked apologetically at her. "Pearl's gem did the same thing, but I thought it was just because she does that anyway with the holograms and stuff. Maybe it's a forehead gem thing," he added thoughtfully to himself as Peridot mentally vowed to never close her eyes again. "Anyway, I tried not to look much, but there were a couple of bits I saw where it looked like Lapis might be angry at you?"
"Yes, but… you said the nocturnal hallucinations weren't real," Peridot objected. "So whatever you think you saw, it didn't happen."
"But… that's the thing," Steven said slowly. "It didn't look like you were dreaming, you were remembering things that really happened. I even recognised some of them."
Peridot swallowed hard, fighting down the sick, panicky feeling that was beginning to creep over her. "W-well, my memory has been faulty recently," she stammered. "So I expect some of those thoughts were distorted in the process. Of course Lapis isn't angry with me!" She tried to laugh, as if the very idea was just too amusing to take seriously, but her voice sounded unnatural to her ears and she stopped. "Anyway," she added, switching tactics. "I find it deeply unfair that you are bombarding me with these illogical questions, based on my sleep hallucinations that I don't even remember!"
Steven was undeterred. "So you weren't attacked by a water clone with a sledgehammer?"
"…Well… yes, but we were training," she protested. "So you see, you shouldn't jump to assumptions based on out-of-context, private thoughts that are none of your business."
"You're right." Steven sighed sadly and rolled onto his back. "Sorry. It's just… I'm worried about you, Peridot. I know you're hiding something, and it's making you unhappy-"
"I'm not hiding anything!" Peridot interrupted.
"Oh really?" He narrowed his eyes, rolled over and glared at her. "Not even… your damaged Camp Pining Hearts DVDs?"
Peridot froze. For several seconds, she just stared at Steven with wide-eyed fear. "I-I don't-it was-how did-"
"I'm not mad though!" Steven tried to reassure her. "I don't know what happened, but I know it had to be an accident, right? You love that show! You should've just told me and we could've started replacing them already."
Peridot opened her mouth and then shut it again. There seemed little point in explaining that it hadn't been an accident at all, so instead she used the excuse Lapis had given her at the time. "You'd only just managed to find the winter special. I didn't want to admit that it had been damaged so quickly."
"Well, I gotta admit, that one might be a little tricky to replace," Steven said. "But Dad is a millionaire now, if I explain things to him, I'm sure he won't mind giving me the money to replace them. So long as it doesn't happen again," he finished.
"No, that's OK, I've memorised them all," Peridot said at once, knowing perfectly well that any more gifts from Steven would be instantly destroyed. She managed to force a tiny smile onto her face. "Thank you though."
Steven smiled back. "Feel better?"
"…A little," Peridot confessed. And it was only a little, but even so, it was one lie she didn't have to worry about any more.
"So you know, if there's anything else bothering you, you know you can tell me, right?" he continued hopefully.
"…Right." She rolled onto her back and sighed. No matter how many times Steven said it, she knew his positive nature would make it impossible for him to believe that Lapis was really hurting her. If Connie couldn't even tell him that Lapis was shutting her out, how was she supposed to tell him that the other gem had been outright abusing her for the entire week?
"So…?" Steven waited, but she didn't respond. "Peridot? Is everything OK? Nothing else you want to talk about?"
"Everything is fine." She turned her back on him and hugged the green cat closer. "Go to sleep now, Steven."
xXx
Happy 2017! Good grief, this chapter kicked my butt! Now I know the whole 'Peridot's gem projects her dreams too' is just fanon and it's equally possible that it's something unique to Pearl because she does use her gem for projections a lot, but it was an idea that worked really well for this story, so I pounced on it. But have you ever really concentrated on your memories? When I try to recall things, I either see images with no sound or hear sound with no images. I can rarely remember an event with the images and audio in sync. And they're often just bits, sometimes looped, mostly out of order. The brain is a weird thing.
Buuuuut I figure Peridot is an alien, so her mind is bound to work a little different from mine, and certainly more efficiently. Still, I didn't want to infodump or wind up with tons of stuff just copied from previous scenes, so once I'd figured out what was going on her brain, I then had to trim it down and fragment sentences when Steven wasn't paying attention, but it still involved rereading a bunch of previous chapters and episode transcripts, plus a couple of bits nicked from another fanfiction of mine that focuses on Peridot's Homeworld backstory. So. Butt kicked. But hey, we finally found out where she hid that massive bug book Greg gave her! And Steven finally found her broken DVDs.
