I do not own any of the original Avatar characters.
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Sado watched as Zuko and Aang went through their strikes, both moving in a highly practiced synchronization. Finally, they finished, bowing to each other. Zuko turned, stretching his arms over his head and Sado flicked a small fireball at him, Zuko swiping a hand downward and putting it out before returning to his stretch. Sado smiled, laying on his back beside Toph. It had been about a week since Azula drove them out of the Western Air Temple. Katara and Zuko had gone off on a trip to find the man that killed Katara's mother and take revenge on him, though Katara found she couldn't kill him in the end. Since then, they had been on Ember Island, living in the Fire Lord's vacation home.
"Doesn't it seem weird that we're hiding from the Fire Lord in his own house?" Katara asked.
"I told you, my father hasn't come here since my family was actually happy," Zuko said. "And that was a long time ago. It's the last place anyone would think to look for us."
"Good thinking," the dragon bird said from his place on Toph's abdomen.
"Thank you," Zuko smiled.
"I just wish I didn't have to keep my arms covered," Sado said. "I hate sleeves."
"But you look so much better in them," Toph said.
"Hah hah, very funny," Sado said.
"You guys are not gonna believe this!" Sokka said, running into the courtyard, a roll of paper in his hand and Suki walking after him. "There'a play about us."
"We were just in town and we found this poster," Suki said.
Sokka unrolled it and Sado instantly groaned.
"What?" Sokka asked.
On the poster, Sokka looked like someone had crushed the bottom of his skull and inflated the top, making his forehead stick out more than his chin, Aang was wearing very heavy makeup and clearly a girl, and Katara looked like a thirty-year-old china doll with breasts almost half the size of her head. In the background, Zuko's scar was on the wrong side. He did have to give points for getting the outfits correct, though.
"Aang's a chick, Katara's an old lady, and Sokka looks like an idiot," Sado said. "More so than usual."
The others laughed, except for Sokka, who glared at him.
"It's not that bad," Sokka said.
"Hold it up again," Sado said, Sokka doing so as Sado took Toph's hand. "Second opinion."
Toph burst into fits of laughter as she saw the poster through his eyes and he let the connection fade, Sokka slapping his forehead.
"Look, they have a bad choice of actors, but this could be fun!" Sokka said. "Listen to this. The Boy In the Iceberg is a new production from acclaimed playwright Poo Wan Tin, who scoured the globe gathering information on the Avatar, from the icy South Pole to the heart of Ba Sing Se. His sources include singing nomads, pirates, prisoners of war, and a surprisingly knowledgeable merchant of cabbage."
"Brought to you by the critically acclaimed Ember Island Players," Suki read.
"Oh yeah, this play's going to be absolutely priceless," Sado snorted. "The nomads were a source."
"Who's the cabbage merchant?" Sokka asked.
"I think I remember breaking his cart a few times," Aang said.
"Whatever," Sokka shrugged.
"My mother used to take us to see them," Zuko said. "They butchered Love Amongst the Dragons every year."
"Sokka, do you really think it's a good idea for us to attend a play about ourselves?" Katara asked.
"Come on, a day at the theater?" Sokka asked. "This is the kind of whacky, time-wasting nonsense I've been missing!"
"I'm in," Sado said.
"Why not," Toph said.
"Sure," Aang said. "Although, I'll need a disguise, since I'm bald again."
"I'll handle that," Sado said.
"Oh, alright," Katara sighed. "Let's go."
A few hours later, all of them sat in their chosen seats for the play. The best they could do for a disguise for Aang had ended up being a manilla-colored hat that had a red border on bottom and stuck up from his head about eight inches. They hadn't had much to work with. Sado sat down beside Toph, with her on the far right, Katara sat beside Sado, and then Zuko sat beside Katara, taking up the last seat, before Aang could.
"Um...I wanted to sit there," Aang said.
"Just sit in back," Zuko said. "What's the difference?"
"It's just...I wanted to...okay," Aang sighed, sitting in the back on the far left end, Suki and Sokka cuddling on the far right.
"You all know this ends with us dying miserably, right?" Sado asked. "It's a Fire Nation play. We obviously don't defeat the Fire Lord."
"Good point," Sokka said.
"Why are we sitting in the nosebleed section?" Toph asked. "My feet can't see a thing from up here."
"That's why I'm here," Sado said, slipping his hand into hers and sharing his sight.
"That's better," Toph smiled.
The curtain rose on a scene of Katara and Sokka, as far apart in appearance in reality as in the poster, rowing through the water, icebergs passing them in the background.
"Sokka, my only brother," the fake Katara said dramatically, her face painted like a doll, and her winter jacket hanging halfway down her breasts and off of her shoulders. "We constantly roam these South Pole seas, and yet never do we find anything...fulfilling."
"None of us are ever going to let the rest of us live our play counterparts down," Sado grinned.
"All I want is a full feeling in my stomach, I'm starving!" Sokka's play counterpart said, holding his arms out and looking out at the crowd as they laughed.
"Is food the only thing on your mind?" the play's Katara asked, a violin again playing a sad tune as she spoke.
"I bet your character gets the sad music the whole way through," Sado said to her.
"God I hope not," Katara said.
"Well, I'm trying to get it out of my mind, and into my mouth," Sokka's character said. "I'm starving!"
Again he held his arms out and looked to the crowd, who again laughed as though it were the funniest joke in the world.
"Never thought I'd miss Sokka's horrible jokes," Sado said.
"Hey!" Sokka complained.
"I don't know," Toph laughed. "I think he's got you pegged Sokka."
Sokka sat back, crossing his arms and grumbling.
Again a violin began to play as "Katara" spoke. "Every day the world awaits a beacon to guide us, yet none appears! And still, we cannot give up hope! For hope..." she sniffed so loudly that Sado could hear it, making him cringe at the thought of how it must feel. "...is all we have!" She collapsed dramatically onto the side of the boat. "And we must never relinquish it. Even..." an obviously faked sob, "Even to our dying breath!" She began to sob dramatically.
"Well, that's just silly!" Katara said. "I don't sound like that!"
Sado heard Suki and Sokka trying not to laugh behind them. Toph chuckled.
"Oh man, this writer's a genius!" Toph laughed.
Finally, a blue light turned on above them as a large poorly drawn iceberg with a circle at the top and a tiny Aang-shaped silhouette swinging back and forth inside of it. Katara's character helpfully noted that it was a person trapped in ice, then, completely randomly, guessed for a hundred years. Then, probably the best thing to happen yet occurred. Katara's character shouted, "Waterbend! Hi yah!" and chopped her hand at the circle, Aang's silhouette dropping out of view as the circle split open. Then, Aang's character climbed up onto the top of the iceberg with them, gigantic breasts, doll makeup, and all. Aang groaned.
"Who are you frozen boy?" Katara's character asked.
Aang's character laughed in a high, obviously feminine voice. "I'm the Avatar silly! Here to spread joy and fun!"
"Now this is priceless," Sado laughed. "Sorry Aang."
"Is that a woman playing me!?" Aang asked.
"Yup," Sado laughed, less than a second before Appa's character appeared, a massive puppet that sounded like a dog on drugs.
Then, the new best thing happened. Katara's character fell to the ground, hugging Aang's character's leg and claiming to be "tearbending." And then Sokka's character said his stomach was so empty that it was making him tearbend as well. Next up came Zuko and Iroh. Iroh looked like a monkey. Zuko looked perfect, barring the scar on the wrong side. Iroh's first lines were offering Zuko a cake. Zuko's character was actually pretty close, refusing and saying he needed to capture the Avatar to regain his honor. Iroh responded by saying he'd capture another slice. Sado sighed. That was just disgraceful.
"They make me seem completely stiff and humorless!" Zuko complained.
"Actually, I think that actor's pretty spot on," Katara said.
"How could you say that?" Zuko asked.
"Let's forget about the Avatar and get massages," Iroh's character said.
"How could you say that!?" Zuko's character demanded, Zuko beginning to pout.
And so, the play progressed, the events just getting more and more ridiculous. Momo was a sock puppet controlled very poorly by Aang's character and had its eyes going in opposite directions, and was called a flying rabbit monkey, then that began to speak.
"Hi everybody, I love you!" Momo's character said, Sado actually a little mad at that part, and Aang borderline furious.
Suki's character actually looked the part, and Sokka's character looked even more ridiculous than Sado could have imagined dressed as a Kiyoshi Warrior, though that was probably the point, and Suki thought it was absolutely hysterical, though Sokka did not. Then there was King Bumi, who had to colorful feathers, or rabbit ears, or something hanging off of his head, and his right eye taking up almost the entire top right quarter of his head. He spoke in rhymes, and his pet goat gorilla, Flopsie, was somehow a human-sized rabbit, despite actually being almost half the size of Appa. Then there were pirates, from whom Katara's character stole a waterbending scroll, then later when asked why, she began to sob and said it gave her hope. Then came the point when Sado had met Aang, except that it was Zuko who had captured him, and the Blue Spirit's mask was bigger than his entire body, and he had to walk sideways. The fight was really sad, too, because the Blue Spirit pranced across the stage like an idiot, the halfway decent Fire Nation soldiers simply dropping, then Zuko threw a length of orange fabric at the Blue Spirit as firebending.
"Look Zuko, he bends the same way you did after you joined us," Sado said.
"Hah hah," Zuko said. "I'll show you bending once we get done here."
"You're on," Sado grinned, turning back to the play, where Sado's character walked on stage as Aang's was returning to his group, apparently having stumbled across them.
Sado's character was about two feet too tall, had fake burns already covering his arms. Aside from that, the only real problem was that there was smoke curling off of him almost constantly. When asked about it, he said it was because he was dying, and that one day he'd burst into flame and be gone. Sado rolled his eyes. Of course no one knew what really happened with the condition. That wasn't really surprising. Shortly thereafter, the characters all met Jet, who looked halfway decent but had too much hair, and who Katara's character spent half the time making out with, responding to him flooding a town, which he claimed to do for her, not because of the Fire Nation, with, "Oh jet, you're sooo bad," followed by an extended make out session.
"Okay, this is getting to be a bit annoying," Sado said.
"Yup," Katara said, face bright red.
"I think Bato's next," Sokka said.
"This aught to be good," Sado groaned.
Sure enough, it was terrible. Bato had a beard to his waist and he and Sado were instantly best friends because they had burned arms, including a part where they skipped around stage singing about it. Then the fight with the shirshu came, the shirshu replaced by a cardboard cut out, thankfully. The fight wasn't too terrible. Though Sado found it funny that Zuko's character stuck to small streamers while Sado's was throwing strings of orange garland as big around as his arms, though he was wearing a cardboard fire cut out on his back the whole time, so it was fairly balanced for stupidity. Finally, the north pole came. Sokka's flirting was all centered around her taking his mind off of food, and when they finally kissed he complained that she had had pickled fish before she said she had important moon duties to take care of, but yes, she did have pickled fish. Then was Sado's fight with Zhao, in which he ended up being blocked from view by a large cardboard fire covered in something black, probably charcoal dust, and then the fire was dropped and he collapsed, Zuko's character taking over and eventually losing, only for a giant cardboard version of Aang's water creation from the time, which had been a big suit for Aang's character to wear while stomping on small cardboard Fire Navy ships to destroy the fleet, to walk past, roar, and Zhao to pretend to be dragged off stage into the notional spirit world.
"Well that's...just stupid," Sado said. "You can't get dragged into the spirit world by water."
"I know, right?" Zuko said. "And we definitely didn't lose that fight. Well...you sort of did."
"Eh, I like to think of it as a three-way draw," Sado shrugged as the curtain fell, everyone walking outside and sitting on the steps.
"So far, this intermission is the best part of the play," Zuko said.
"You're not kidding," Sado said. "I think I might burn this place down after the play's done if I have to hear one more 'I'm starving' from Sokka's character."
"Apparently the playwright thinks I'm just an idiot who makes bad jokes about meat all the time," Sokka said, eating beef jerky.
"Yeah, you tell bad jokes about plenty of other topics," Suki said.
"I know!" Sokka said, taking another bite.
"At least the Sokka actor kinda looks like you," Aang said. "That woman playing the avatar doesn't resemble me at all!"
"Relax Aang, they're not accurate portrayals," Katara said. "It's not like I'm a preachy crybaby who gives over-emotional speeches about hope all the time."
Everyone stared at her in silence for several long seconds.
"What?" Katara asked.
"Yeah, that's not you at all," Aang said, turning back around.
"I just thought of something," Toph said.
"What's that?" Sado asked.
"Does the playwright know about your telepathy?" Toph asked. "And if not, how do we end up together? Do we end up together?"
"Excellent question," Sado said. "If we do, given the rest of the play, I almost shudder to think about how it's portrayed."
"Why?" Toph asked.
"I have a feeling you'll find out," Sado said.
"Oh God I hope not," Zuko said. "Even they can't fuck something up that bad, right?"
"My family's been telling everyone I'm an immortal piece of shit since I left," Sado said. "It really wouldn't surprise me."
Zuko groaned. "You might not want to share your sight for the rest, then."
"Are you two talking about the prison thing?" Toph asked.
"What prison thing?" Aang asked.
"Nothing Twinkle Toes," Toph said.
"Yes and no," Sado said. "Come on. Intermission's almost over."
They all headed back inside. The characters reached the Earth Kingdom next and Aang's character used her glider, a tiny hand-held fan, to fly around the room and over the crowd, looking for an earthbending teacher, Toph getting excited. Then, a nearby cardboard bolder rose, a massive wall of muscle with an outfit and wig slightly reminiscent of Toph's rising out of the stage under it, Sado's eyes going wide and his mouth falling open as the actor's deep, scratchy, belligerently male voice began to speak.
"You can't find an earthbending master in the sky," the man said. "You have to look underground!"
Everyone except Sado and Toph began to laugh.
"Please don't get together, please don't get together, please don't get together," Sado chanted, everyone laughing harder.
"Who are you?" Aang's character asked.
Toph's character spat, someone hitting something metal as he did. "My name's Toph, because it sounds like tough, and that's just what I am!" He began to flex and Sado slapped his forehead as Toph grinned widely.
"That's perfect!" Toph grinned. "I wouldn't have cast it any other way! At least it's not a flying bald lady!"
Sado squeezed her hand slightly.
"Sorry Aang," Toph said.
"It's alright," Aang said. "It's the truth."
Then, came the explanation of how Toph could see. A sonic wave from her mouth, the actor screaming deafeningly loudly. Toph laughed. Everyone else cringed. Then there was the chase with Azula, then the fight in the ruin which ended with Azula, a decent likeness and act, saying she could see Zuko's honor in the distance, making everyone look before she waked through a door in the wall. Then the desert with no exceptional surprises or memorable mistakes beyond the actors themselves being terrible at their jobs, meaning Aang's meltdown was reduced to a temper tantrum. Then the Serpent's Pass where Sado's character died and was instantly reborn, minus the smoke. Then came the drill. With Aang's character throwing foam stones at Azula as the drill kept going through the wall until Sado's character arrived and won a fight with Azula then destroyed the drill alone. Sado raised an eyebrow.
"Oh?" Sado asked. "I guess I'm a badass now that I'm alive again."
"And we're all as useless as ever," Aang replied grumpily.
Hypnotized Jet was next, with two massive hooks in place of his swords. He waved them about, talking about needing to serve the Earth King and needing to destroy, then someone dropped a fake stone that drifted down, Jet's character scrambling over and getting halfway covered, then fully.
"Did Jet just...die?" Zuko asked.
"You know, it was really unclear," Sokka said.
then, there was the scene of Katara and Zuko trapped together where Katara flirted with him, he thought she was making fun of him. She tried again and he said she was the avatar's girl, only for Katara's character to say Aang was a little brother. Then, she brought up the fact that the Avatar wasn't there, and the two began to make out, Katara and Zuko sliding so far apart that Zuko ended up barely on the seat at all.
"Floozy," Sado whispered.
"I will freeze you to Appa's stomach for a week," Katara warned.
"I said nothing," Sado said.
Zuko's decision to join Azula came and Zuko's character made it a point to shove Iroh onto the ground before joining Azula. Then he told his uncle that he hated him and Zuko's face filled with shame.
"You didn't really say that, did you?" Katara asked.
"I might as well have," Zuko said.
"You'll get the chance to apologize," Sado said. "We'll find him, either before or after the war."
Zuko nodded, clearly not believing it. Then came theEarth King being captured. May's character wasn't too horrible, but Ty Lee's was not only ugly but also had a gut that rested on top of her tutu and weighed it down slightly.
"That's just insulting to Ty Lee," Sado said.
Then came Aang getting blasted in the avatar state, starting with the actress saying, "Avatar State, yip yip," to enter it, the lights going out and her makeup and fake arrow glowing pretty convincingly. Until Azula, who was also glowing for some reason, threw a blue streamer to Aang's character, who began to pretend to be electrocuted while holding it to her chest. When Azula's character announced the Avatar was dead, the crowd began to cheer. Finally, there was another intermission.
"It seems like every time there's a big battle you guys barely make it out alive," Suki said. "I mean, you guys lose a lot."
"You're one to talk Suki," Sokka said. "Didn't Azula take you captive? That's right, she did!"
"Are you trying to get on my bad side?" Suki asked.
"Enough guys," Sado said from where he was sitting against the wall with Toph. "We new this play would be wrong and horrible. Don't let it get you guys mad at each other."
"You're right," Suki sighed. "I'm sorry."
"Me too," Sokka said.
"Does anyone know where Aang is?" Katara asked.
"He left to get me fire gummies like ten minutes ago, and I'm still waiting!" Sokka said.
"He never agreed," Sado said. "I think he's on the balcony. He took the part about you and Zuko making out kinda hard."
"Oh," Katara sighed. "I'll go talk to him."
She walked away and Sado sighed, standing.
"I'm definitely burning this place to the ground," Sado said. "You in Zuko?"
"Definitely," Zuko agreed.
"No one's burning anything!" Suki said. "It's just a really, really dumb play with really, really bad actors."
"Suki, get me back stage," Sokka said. "I want to talk to my actor."
"No problem," Suki said, leading him away.
"Mine's great," Toph said.
"I'll admit, yours has the right mindset and personality," Sado said. "Even though it's a dude and you're not. I'm so glad our characters weren't made to date."
"That'd be really weird," Toph agreed.
"At least your characters are halfway decent," Zuko said. "I wish mine was more like Aang's. Mine takes all the mistakes I've made in my life and throws it back in my face. My uncle's only ever been on my side, and how did I repay him? With a knife in the back. It's my greatest regret, and I may never get to redeem myself."
"You already have," Sado said. "You may not realize it, but you already have. You remember the day I had a talk with him?"
"You did what?" Toph asked.
"Long story," Sado said. "Completely by accident to."
"Yeah, I remember," Zuko nodded.
"Well, I was asking for advice about what to do if my condition came back, and about what to do about my feelings for Toph, since at the time, I had thought she liked Sokka," Sado said. "And he gave me the advice. But while he was, he was talking about how proud he was of you, and how all he wanted was for you to find your own way in life, and that he hoped you'd see the light. And now, here you are, helping us. Your uncle would be so proud of you. And one day, we'll see him, and he can tell you himself."
"Thank you," Zuko smiled.
Just then, a little kid dressed like Aang ran over and stopped, looking at Zuko. "Your Zuko costume's pretty good, but the scar's on the wrong side." Then, he ran off.
"The scar's not on the wrong side!" Zuko shouted before pulling his hood up.
Sado chuckled. "Let it be. He's a child. And his favorite character is Aang. That's a good thing."
"I guess," Zuko said.
"Come on," Sado said. "Time to go back in."
"Great," Zuko groaned.
They went back inside, but the play was progressing halfway decently, except for one problem. At some point between Ba Sing Se and reaching the fire nation, the Sado and Toph characters had gotten together. Which was not going over as well as the playwright had obviously intended. However, after Sokka had spoken to his actor, his acting had improved dramatically, his much more realistic jokes practically bringing down the house compared to before. When it got to the part about Sokka and Sado getting their swords, Sokka's character mopped up the floor with both Sado and Piandao without any trouble. Also, his sword was about a foot too wise at the tip and about a jian's normal width at the bottom, making it a really floppy diamond-shaped blade. And then they fought the assassin, and may or may not have killed him early in a fiery explosion. Finally, Aang returned, sitting down and Sokka briefly filling him in.
Then came the invasion, when Katara's character told Aang's that they were basically siblings, and Aang's character agreed before they shook hands. Then, Aang's character took off. There was a brief stint of Sokka's characters making jokes, then an equally brief version of the invasion, where Sado and Sozin's characters, Sozin's character being so close in both appearance, mannerisms, and even the sound of his voice that Sado had to grip the railing to keep from attacking him, defended the invading force from the firebenders. Then, it changed to the room where Sado fought Sozin, and during the fight, Sado somehow lost an arm, while Sozin spent the entire fight berating Sado for dishonoring their family. Then, they died. Both of them. Abruptly and with no clear cause. The scene changed to the fire lord's throne room, where Zuko's character demanded to join them, and Sokka's said they had no other choice, all of them leaving together.
"I guess that's it," Sokka said, standing. "The play's caught up to the present."
"Wait," Suki said. "The play's not over yet."
"But that's impossible," Sokka said. "Unless, this is the future."
Ozai's character stepped onto stage, talking about Sozin's commit, which was slowly passing overhead. Azula arrived and reported Zuko and Aang's arrival, and was told to face Zuko. A moment later, the fight began. For a moment, it wasn't bad, both jumping around and repeatedly attacking each other with streamers. Then, Azula swiped her hand and large cloth flames blew up on the edge of stage from blow, eventually hitting Zuko's character, whose last word was "Honor" as he fell through the floor to a roar of cheers. Everyone stared at Zuko as he blinked before shaking his head.
"I'll be able to have the supposedly re-killed Sado fight alongside me if I need to," Zuko said. "I'll be fine."
"This is true," Sado agreed.
Then began Aang and the Fire Lord's fight. It was much better. For obvious reasons. The Fire Lord's actor used a pair of very thick streamers as whips to attack Aang's, who had a staff now including a pair of light blue flags as airbending, and who was apparently pretty good at flag-twirling. After a moment, Aang's character jumped over Ozai's, who hurled probably two dozen streamers out of his sleeves at Aang's character. Then, the fight ended with inevitability as Ozai's character sent a massive wall of cloth flames at Aang's character, who grabbed the cloth and began to spin, coiling it around herself and falling over, releasing the longest, most annoyingly dramatic "No" Sado had ever heard.
They all left the theater, walking along the beach as they headed back.
"That...wasn't a good play," Zuko said.
"No kidding," Aang said.
"I'll say," Katara agreed.
"Horrible," Toph said.
"I can't believe I lost my arm and never knew it," Sado said.
"You're an idiot," Toph snorted.
"The effects were decent," Sokka said.
"I'll burn you," Sado warned.
"Save it for tomorrow," Zuko said. "Let's just go to bed and pretend none of this ever happened for now."
"Fine," Sado sighed.
They reached the house and all went straight to bed, no one managing to stay awake more than a second after hitting their pillows.
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