Chapter 49

"Buffy…are you sure this is the best thing to do?" Willow asked nervously, her eyes seeking out the blonde's with some doubt as she lightly bit her lower lip. Beside her, Tara took her hand and squeezed gently, but she showed some anxiety in her features too as she turned her face to Buffy as well. Though Buffy showed no change in expression at the girl's question, Xander and Anya looked quite interested in hearing Buffy's reply as well, also turning to give her the focus of their attention.

Buffy sighed, her shoulders dropping slightly. The five of them were in her living room again, the others having arrived shortly after she had called them to convey Faith's decision. Giles, of course, was still in the hospital and so had been unable to come, but the others had arrived around five minutes ago. Faith had insisted upon having the spell done that very day, without any more waiting than was absolutely necessary- Buffy knew she was nervous, afraid that the longer she waited, the more her fears might build up inside her until she decided not to go through with it at all.

Once the others had arrived, Joyce had mercifully taken Faith outside with her for a short walk, giving them time to set up for the ritual and to discuss what was to be done- both now, and after Faith was entirely an adult again. The latter was something for which Buffy simply had no answers, and therefore had no idea how to respond to Willow's question, to reassure her, when she herself was not reassured. No one felt good about or comfortable with the thought of changing Faith back into her teenage self fully…but they were going to go through with it. Buffy would see to that.

"Of course I'm not sure," she told Willow quietly, shaking her head. "I didn't want to do this at all…I still don't. Bu it doesn't matter what I want. It's not my choice to make…it's Faith's."

"I…I know," Willow said slowly, her forehead creasing, her green eyes troubled, hesitant, as she paused in her mixing of the ingredients that were to be painted over the Chakra stones. "And I know I said we should change her back…but I've been thinking, and…"

She let her words trail off, but Xander picked them up shortly after with a quick nod, his voice more intense and serious than usual, his expression as bothered as Willow's.

"She's just a kid, though, Buffy… I mean, whatever she looks like now, she's just a kid. How does she knows what's best for her? I mean, when I was a kid I'd play video games and watch TV all day if I could and eat pizza and ice cream for every meal. Still sounds tempting," he said with a little smirk, but then added more seriously, "How do you know she even understands what this would mean? Does she really get what will happen- what she'll be if we do this?"

"Yes," Buffy replied quietly, and she was sure. She had questioned herself and Faith both enough to be. "Yes she does… she wants this. Xander, she thinks it's right. Maybe she's right… maybe it is the right thing for us to do."

Even if it's hard, she added to herself silently, even if it hurts…even if I wish so much that I didn't have to, or that I could have it both ways. Why couldn't anything ever be had both ways?

"It m-might be okay," Tara spoke up suddenly, and the others glanced over to her in surprise. Her cheeks tinged pink, but she didn't duck her head, didn't avert her eyes or turn away. "Her…her aura, when I was hypnotizing her…she wasn't evil. Angry yes, scared…b-but she wasn't evil. We have a chance…you can help her."

"And we will," Buffy said firmly her head inclining slightly. "We will help her, and we will make the most of this chance…all of us."

Whatever happened now, she was on Faith's side. She owed it to her to do everything she could to try to make it better- for the child's sake, if not the teenager's, and the teenager was owed as well. It would be different now, Tara thought so, and Buffy believed her. God, she hoped so anyway.

"Well I think you are all insane and will have either your asses or your heads handed to you by the psycho killer Slayer," Anya said almost conversationally, shrugging. "But since no one ever listens to me, let's get this started."

"She's right," Buffy nodded, ignoring everything before Anya's last few words and focusing on only that. "They'll be back soon, Mom and Faith, so let's be ready to go through with this, whatever is going to happen. We all don't like this, but Faith wants this, and she's…probably right…it's probably what's right," she said with some difficulty, swallowing, before pushing on. "We…we know she isn't naturally a child right now… we don't know what the effects of her remaining one mentally for so long might do to her, or what it's done already. We don't know if she would mentally age, or whatever might happen…and we can't risk it just by waiting and seeing… we can't do that to her," she said more strongly, convincing herself as much as everyone else. "Whatever she did then… we can't just cut her off from the rest of her life. Especially if it might harm her… and if she doesn't want us to do it."

The others were quiet, most of them averting their eyes; they all had very little to say. It was Anya who eventually broke the silence, her eyebrows rising as she gestured with empathic impatience.

"Well, are we gonna do it then?"

"Yeah," Buffy said slowly, and she looked at each of the others in turn, nodding, searching their eyes for willingness. "Yeah…we're going to do it. We're going to change Faith back."

Trying to be discreet, she took a deep breath, hoping for the will to follow through…hoping that this was the right thing.

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Within ten minutes Joyce and Faith had returned inside the house and came to stand in the doorway of the living room. As Buffy and the others looked up to greet them, most of them at least making themselves smile, Buffy noticed that Faith was tightly clutching Joyce's hand, and she did not smile back. She appeared very solemn, her eyes almost round, as she looked around the room at the others now gathered inside, licking her lips nervously. Buffy had to instruct herself not to go to her and hug her tightly- that might scare her more than comfort her, and the last thing the child needed at the moment was to feel any more afraid than she had to be.

"Hi Faith…we're all set up here now," she said quietly, meeting her eyes. "Did you have a nice walk?"

Faith nodded slightly, her fingers still entwined with Joyce's; however firm she had been about wanting this, as the moment approached, she looked to be dreading it almost as much as Buffy herself was. After the last fiasco in their attempts to change her back, Buffy couldn't blame her for being scared. It was amazing she trusted Willow and Tara enough not to screw it up this time- and a testament as to how much she must want this.

"Well…like she said, it's all set up… so we're ready, whenever you are, Faith. If you're ready. I mean, if you want to do this. Do you- do you want to do this, I mean, are you sure?" Willow said uncertainly, and her hesitation made Buffy all the more aware of just how profoundly Willow's opinion of Faith and her entire situation in general had changed since she had first encountered the child. If Willow had come along to the warehouse with them and seen with her own eyes what had been done to her… Buffy would have loved to watch her reaction. Willow was usually just Willow, quiet, gentle, and unsure of herself…but Buffy had seen her furious often enough to know that this was definitely not an indication that she couldn't get scary if the occasion called for it.

Tara nodded as well, echoing Willow's words to Faith with a gentle smile, her voice low but sincere. "Yes, we're, we're ready now… if, if this is what you want, Faith."

Faith frowned, seeming to be still frozen with her fearful hesitation and Buffy couldn't resist. Coming to stand with her in the doorway, she cupped Faith's face in one hand, turning her head so the girl was looking at her. She kept her voice quiet and calm as she questioned her.

"Faith…is that what you want? You want to be big? Because you don't have to do this. You don't have to do anything you don't' want to, sweetie."

Picking up the urgency of her daughter's posture and expression even as Buffy strove to seem neutral, Joyce squeezed Faith's hand, smiling over at her.

"No, you don't, baby- Buffy's right. You don't have to do anything," she said reassuringly, smoothing a hand over Faith's shoulder. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. But if you do want to do this… if you do want to be older again… then we're all ready and supporting you, aren't we?"

Everyone around her quickly made some gesture, either verbal or physically, in agreement, even Anya, after glancing to Xander to see his nodding. Faith was still frowning, eyes anxious, as her bit her lip, pressing close to Joyce's side. But when she answered the women's questions her voice, though soft, was also sure of itself.

"Yeah….I wanna be old again…I'm ready."

Both Buffy and Joyce nodded, and for a few moments Buffy kept her eyes lowered, afraid that if she looked too long at any one person and especially at Faith that her emotions would get the best of her. When she was pretty sure she was in good control of herself she smiled at Faith, reaching to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and prolonging the contact before she pulled her hand back.

"Okay…then you need to go sit by Willow and Tara, and they'll tell you what you need to do."

Faith nodded, taking a slow breath in, and began to pull away from Joyce to do so- but Joyce stopped her with a hand on her shoulder, first pulling her into her arms in a tight embrace. She kept her head at such an angle that Buffy couldn't see her face, but she knew that her mother must be feeling rather like she was now…sad, anxious, and strangely lonely, though the child had not yet left their lives. This was Joyce's goodbye to Faith, and Faith seemed to realize this too, holding on fiercely. Joyce whispered something to her so low that even Buffy couldn't entirely understand, but whatever it was, it made Faith's eyes water. Joyce pulled back from her and kissed her cheek, detaching Faith's fingers gently with her own eyes moist.

It wouldn't have surprised Buffy if Faith had announced then and there that she had changed her mind, that she didn't want to be big after all. She was only a little girl, and for her to willingly give up her certainty of having the love and security she had always so badly wanted and needed… it was more than Buffy would ever have expected from her, more than she would have expected from most. And yet she was doing it…

Buffy pulled her into an embrace without any further thought, holding her tightly to her and fighting against the lump in her throat, the tears standing in her eyes. She could feel Faith's heart beating rapidly against hers, her uneven breaths against her neck, and she squeezed her tighter, whispering into her ear.

"You are so brave, Faith, and good…and I love you. I always will…don't forget."

She felt a few tears soak into her shirt and hugged Faith tighter before pulling back, wiping them gently and kissing her forehead. Willow and Tara looked suspiciously soft in their features; Anya too was frowning, but out of impatience rather than sentimentality.

"I thought you all wanted to do this. Why is everyone being so strange?" she asked- a question that, considering the source, could not have been more ironic.

Everyone ignored her. As Faith slowly made her way towards the Wiccans on the living room rug, Xander stopped her as she passed with a hand on her arm, giving her a teasing smile even as his eyes betrayed his own sadness.

"No hugs for me? Still holding grudges on me for being a Superman fan?"

At that, Faith actually smiled, some of the grief lifting from her features, and she hugged him, accepting his kiss on her cheek even as she attempted a scowl.

"Superman is a wimp. Batman could totally kick his ass."

Nearly everyone grinned at that, though Buffy also felt like crying- this show of light-hearted teasing would be sorely missed. She wished there was some way she could guarantee that what they were doing would turn out okay…

"No way," Xander said lightly, ruffling Faith's hair affectionately before releasing her, allowing her to move to the floor beside Willow and Tara. "Never gonna happen."

"Will too," Faith repeated, but she was smiling even as she hesitantly knelt on the floor, glancing between the older girls. Both of them were too, though sadness also still glinted in their eyes. "Always."

She looked at Willow and Tara again, her smile fading as she thinned her lips, her hands tensing in her lap, forming fists.

"What do I gotta do…"

"Oh- just, just lay down- we'll fix the candles to form the four corners around you," Willow said quickly, gesturing awkwardly and glancing at Tara for confirmation. "On your back, with your arms at your sides, and your legs straight…"

Faith moved to do as they asked, briefly closing her eyes. Buffy could tell from how tightly she shut them, how rapidly her chest rose and fell with her breaths, that Faith was growing even more nervous the closer she got to actually going through with the ritual. Buffy could definitely identify.

As Faith lay there, her eyes still squeezed shut, and waited as Willow arranged the candles around her, Tara gathered the mixture she and Willow had concocted, beginning to spread it over the Chakra stones in specific patterns with a brush. Unable to see their activity but no doubt hearing it, sensing their movements, Faith spoke up in a very small voice as the others watched the preparation.

"Is…is this gonna hurt?"

Tara's face, already openly concerned before her question, softened even further, and she reached to take Faith's hand, squeezing it. When the little girl opened her eyes upon feeling her touch to look at her, Tara gave her a gentle smile, squeezing her hand again.

"No, not this time, Faith…this, this is a different spell. I-it will be different this time."

"Yeah, it will be different, Faith- it might even feel good," Willow backed her up, giving a quick earnest smile of her own. "This spell, it's setting you right again- the spells before were either turning you wrong or keeping you wrong. This time it's totally different, it, it won't hurt you because it's the right spell, and you're not changing physically. I mean, your body won't change."

As Faith frowned, processing this, Buffy hoped against all hope that this would be true. They didn't need any more screw-ups- especially Faith didn't. She'd had more than any child her age should ever have to bear- anybody of any age, period.

"L-lay back down…and be still and d-don't say anything else," Tara told her softly, giving Faith's hand one more squeeze before releasing it. "We want to make s-sure it goes right.

Faith did as Tara asked, taking another deep breath before tightly closing her eyes again. Those observing went still and quiet as well, watching closely, and Buffy felt like she should be holding her breath. Here goes…

As Willow began to align the Chakra stones in the positions relating to Faith's body, Tara placed her palm firmly on each corresponding body part, showing none of her usual hesitation or shyness in her touch, but only focused intensity. As they began to chant softly, Buffy found herself to be leaning forward, her hands clutched around the edge of her seat, and she was aware of her heart speeding up in its beats…

As the rhythmic sound of Willow's and Tara's voices continued, seeming to surround them, the air seemed to thicken suddenly, so that Buffy felt heavy, tired, and confused, yet somehow also very alert, her senses sharpened. She could see that Faith was very still now, maybe not entirely through her own efforts so much as through the effects of the spell. Buffy could not understand their words…

All at once, as Willow placed down the last Chakra stone beside Faith's feet, and Tara lay her palm upon them, the stones lit up, the drawings painted upon them glowing brilliantly. The glow grew more and more intense until it was clear to them that it was not merely casting its light upon Faith's nearby body anymore- she was glowing too, more vividly by the motion, even though she still did not make a sound.

After a moment or two her dark eyes went huge as they flew open, unblinking. Though she did not scream, made no sound at all, Faith's body twisted, her back arching up as if she were in extreme discomfort- belying the Wiccan's claims to her. It was only a few moments in length, her reaction, but to her worried, stricken observers, it seemed infinitely longer.

As Faith's body reverted to a normal lying position, it ceased giving off any further light, and the stones darkened abruptly as well. Willow and Tara ceased speaking; indeed, no one spoke. The room seemed much darker, the air even heavier than before, as they all stared, taking in her changing…

She was physically unchanged, of course, but the difference in Faith was obvious even from the first few glances. Though she was of course the same in appearance in nearly every way, she seemed older in more ways than one, even without moving or speaking a word. Her eyes were darker, angry, even as they darted about wildly, taking in her surroundings with clear disorientation. There was none of the innocence of the child Faith's remaining in them- though Buffy thought there was still plenty of fear, a thought that simultaneously encouraged and discouraged her. The outline of her features seemed drawn, harsher, and the way she held herself, the jerky manner in which she had sat up, all showed strong indications of her older mind state.

The spell had worked… whatever this would mean, whatever happened now, it had worked. The older Faith was with them now… and the child Faith was gone.

For several moments no one spoke, no one dared to move- not even Anya. Everyone was staring at Faith, at a loss as to what to do now. Even Faith only continued to look around rapidly, shaking slightly, and Buffy wondered what was going through her head. What was she thinking- did she remember who they were? Did she remember what had happened while she had stayed with them as a child? Why was she making no moves, not saying a word…

"Faith?" Buffy said slowly, almost a whisper, and this simple question was what finally provoked a response.

Faith's eyes jerked up to meet Buffy's, and for several moments neither girl spoke. They simply held each other's gaze, almost frozen, as time seemed to slowly come to a stop around them. In Faith's eyes Buffy once again took in the complicated combination of confusion, anger, shock, panic, and fear passing starkly over their surface, and she wondered if the other girl had always been so transparent. Had she always looked like that and Buffy simply hadn't noticed, hadn't paid enough attention? Or had her time as a child opened her somehow, made Faith less able to hide?

Buffy didn't know, and Faith didn't give her much time to ponder. Less than fifteen seconds later the brunette was scrambling to her feet, shoving past Willow, Tara, and Joyce, who was still standing near the doorway, and rapidly making her way towards the front door.

As Faith had leapt to her feet, almost everyone else had cringed away or scooted backward in instinctive alarm at her sudden movement, afraid that she was heading for them specifically. Anya actually let out a short shriek of panic, cringing back against Xander from where they were sitting on the couch. But Faith had no intentions of attacking anyone- in fact, all she was interested in was leaving their presence as quickly as possible.

"Faith!" Buffy called out again, more loudly, a note of desperation in her voice this time, and her mother echoed her a few seconds later.

"Faith, honey- you don't have to-"

"She's getting away, stop her!" Anya yelped, even as she continued to clutch Xander, not moving from her seat and position of perceived relative safety. Buffy actually stood, instinctively meaning to follow Faith, but two seconds later she heard the front door slam and knew Faith was probably already halfway up the street. She stopped, simply staring towards the doorway where the younger Slayer had left, dimly aware of how rapidly her heart was pounding in her chest at the moment.

Well they had done it… and now Faith, both the older and younger Faith, was gone. Buffy had no idea where she would go, what she would do, what she do, what she must be thinking, even what she might remember… but somehow she felt sure that Faith did remember, that she did know what had been going on for the past several days. But what would she do, how would she process those memories as her older self?

All she could think of was Faith's eyes, and all the emotion and turmoil she had seen inside them…and so she didn't chase her, didn't even move. She stood there, her hands limp at her sides, remembering the look in Faith's eyes.

"She left," Willow was saying, her voice rather higher in pitch than usual as she looked at the others jerkily, her eyes round and nearly panicky. "We made her older, and she left, she just left-"

"Shouldn't someone- I should go get her," Joyce began, turning towards the doorway with her own eyes showing her concern.

"Someone has to go after her- I would, but I kind of…can't make myself move," Xander admitted without any of his usual sheepishness, and Anya gasped again, her fingers tightening on him even more.

"Don't you DARE go after her, Xander Harris, she's a psychotic killer probably on a rampage right this very minute! And you are not very skilled in protecting yourself from such things. Buffy, YOU go get her!"

"Do you think-" Xander began.

"Buffy-" Willow started, her eyes pleading, and Buffy held up a hand, causing everyone to fall into silence, ever her mother. They all looked at her, waiting for whatever she had to say half expectantly, half hopefully. They were all hoping she had answers… well if that was what they wanted, they were all about to be sadly disappointed.

"I'm not going after her," Buffy said quietly, shaking her head. "And none of you should go either. She doesn't want to see any of us right now…so leave her alone."

Of course, as she could have predicted, this didn't go over well with the others. All five of them stared at her, disbelieving, and the protests began immediately.

"Buffy- honey, I don't think that's such a good idea. Faith needs-" Joyce began, and Xander picked up a beat later.

"But she's gone," he stated, as if that made it obvious that there was no other option than to go to her. Willow agreed quickly, nodding, her voice still urgent.

"Buffy, she might hurt someone, you have to-"

"She's a psychopath, why are we all standing here arguing, why did you even turn her back in the first place, SOMEONE GO AFTER HER!" Anya yelped, and Buffy raised her voice, her own emotion sharpening in response to their agitation as well as her own.

"NO. I- she isn't going to do anything…I know she won't. I could see it…just leave her alone. She doesn't want any of us right now, and she won't be able to listen, and none of us would know what to do- so leave her alone right now. Maybe later…we can find her and try…but not right now," Buffy said insistently, and as she said it, she felt as if it were true.

Right now nothing they said or did would help Faith… all that they could do right now was leave her be, let her sort things out for herself, as hard as that might be. She knew, just knew, that Faith wouldn't hurt anyone, as long as she were left alone…and no matter how sad or guilty or upset she was right now, Buffy also knew that she would stick to her own words. Whatever Faith needed, she would give her. She had told her as a child that she would always care for her and take care of her…but sometimes you had to know when to let someone go.

She just hoped that she was right.

Buffy heard the others voicing protest and concerns, trying to persuade and reason with her, but she wasn't listening anymore. Turning around without a word, she went upstairs, making her way to her room. For a moment, she just stared, taking in the scattered clothes and toys that proved the child Faith's former existence… and then she crawled into her unmade bed, resting her head on the pillow Faith had been using and half closing her eyes.

She thought about the older Faith and prayed she was okay… even knowing the distance the brunette needed, she couldn't help but worry.

Author notes: There is one more chapter guys...so don't freak out. lol