After being in his arms for what seemed like an eternity, I finally found the strength to let him go. I took my arms from around him and he put me down on the ground. I grabbed him by the hand and dragged him inside my apartment and that brief amount of time was enough distance for me. Before we even make it to my bedroom, I throw my arms around his waist again and put my head back on his chest. I'm still finding it so hard to believe that he's actually here. He came to see me. He left his home in California to visit me. I'm so happy that he's here but in the same token, I have so many unanswered questions. First of all, I would really like to know how the hell he managed to pull this off. I want to know how he managed to get the time off his brand new job to come see me. His boss must be really flexible with his hours to allow him to take the time off the job he JUST started to come to Massachusetts. Second of all, I want to know why the hell he's drunk. I can tell that he had been drinking a while ago because the way he's able to talk and hold purposeful conversations, it seems like his drunkenness is wearing off. But the fact remains the same that he's drunk right now and it's blatantly obvious. I'm just so glad that he's here though, so I really don't think I'll question it. I reach my arms up and wrap them around his shoulders and squeeze him. I slide my hands down to his waist and close my eyes. I just cannot believe he's here. "What time are your classes today?" He breaks the silence between us. He slides his hands down the back of my tank top and strokes my back with his fingertips.
"I don't have any." I nestle my cheek against his chest, right between his pecks and force his body tighter against mine. My vision starts to blur with tears and I blink them back. I had just about given up on ever seeing him again and look...he turns up on my doorstep and once again, makes the happiest girl to walk this earth. "Yesterday was orientation and today's an off day. I start real classes tomorrow." I close my eyes and take in this moment. After going an entire two weeks without even hearing his voice, he's standing here in front of me, holding me and I feel him against my chest. I take my head off his chest and look up at him. He puts his forehead against mine and kisses my lips. His breath is so nasty. I bring my hand up and hold his face still while I kiss him so deep, liquor breath and all. He bends his knees slightly, puts his hands against my lower back and picks me up again. Instead of kissing him, I pull away and rest my head against his chest while he carries me towards my bedroom. "...You're drunk." I finally feel comfortable enough to state the obvious. "I thought you told me you wouldn't drink again." I whisper that last part.
"But I'm here, aren't I?" He bends his knees again and gently puts me down on the bed. "I only had a little bit to drink...I'm not that bad." Once I'm down on the bed, he walks with a slight stumble back over to the door and shuts it. He's lying to me. He's had more than a little bit to drink; he wouldn't be stumbling around the way he is if he only had a little bit to drink. He drank a lot and I know he did. He's lying because he thinks I'd be pissed off if I knew exactly how much alcohol he's had and while he's right about that, I'm in no position to be mad at him right now. I'm too busy being overjoyed to be mad about him being drunk, even though I really do hate when he's drunk. I HATE when Alex is drunk. Ever since that time he came home late after drinking, I've hated when he drinks. To put it simply, Alex is a mean drunk. I'm not saying that he's a mean person by any means because he's truly not—he's a beautiful person. But when he's drunk, he's MEAN. When I'm drunk, I'm usually pretty playful and giddy and honestly, some of my best ideas come out of me when I'm drunk. But when Alex is drunk, he's mean. He pushes me, calls me a bitch, tells me to shut up and gets really verbally abusive while he's drunk and I hate that. I'm just hoping that his drunkenness doesn't ruin this moment because today is the first day I've been happy in two weeks. "Did I wake you up?" He starts to take off his shirt. I nod my head and begin to tie my hair back up into my bun since it's still pretty damp from my shower earlier. "We can go back to sleep then." He climbs onto my bed in nothing but his boxers and I pull the covers back for him.
"I don't want to sleep." I pull the blankets over the both of us. He leans back against my stuffed R2D2 which is rested against the wall and starts scrolling through his phone. I scoot over to him and put my head against his bare chest. I drape my leg and my arm across his body and watch him scroll through his phone. He's scrolling through his Facebook feed, which kind of doesn't set well with me considering that this is the first time in two weeks that we've seen each other but I guess I don't care as long as he lets me lay on him. "I'm not tired anymore. I just wanna..." My voice trails off as the annoyance becomes more prominent. Is he really staring at his phone right now? "I missed you, Alex. I want to spend with you." I reach up and snatch his phone. "Put your damn phone away."
"Jo, you're sleepy. I know you and I know when you're sleepy and you need to sleep, whether you like it or not." He takes his phone back off of me and unlocks it again. "Go to sleep, Jo." He holds his phone with one hand and with the other hand, he starts caressing my shoulder blade. "I love you, baby. Go to sleep, okay? I'll be here when you wake up." I'm kind of taken aback by the way he called me "baby". Alex never calls me that. Sometimes he'll call me "babe" or "bae" but never "baby." I think he slipped up by saying that. It's clearly the alcohol talking because he'd never call me his baby if he was sober. I kinda liked it...hearing him call me his "baby." I close my eyes and use my index finger to trace circles around his bellybutton while I begin to fall asleep. He stops my tracing by grabbing my hand and bringing it up to his mouth. He kisses my hand and starts to rub my body again. "I'll be here when you wake up."
I don't want to go to sleep, I really don't. What if I fall asleep and when I wake up, I realize that this was all just a dream? What if when I wake up, instead of my arm being draped across his body, my arm is draped across a pillow? What if he's just gone when I wake up? I don't want to sleep. But he's rubbing me and he's caressing me and whispering sweet nothings in my ear and how could I not fall asleep? But he said he'd be here when I wake up. He said he would still be here... "Promise?" I whisper, finally losing consciousness to sleep.
"I promise. I'll be here when you wake up." He tilts his head down to me and kisses my temple. It's so hard to believe that just a few hours ago, I was in the bathroom thinking of a way to kill myself. He's here though. He's here and he's with me and I love him so much. I missed this. The way he'd hold me and whisper to me and kiss me until I fell asleep. And the amazing nights' sleep I used to get in his arms too. And then, he'd wake up...in the morning with my drool all over him and he wouldn't even care. He wouldn't say anything and he would just let it go. He wouldn't make me feel bad about drooling all over him. "...Jo?" He opens his mouth and calls my name and for some reason, this time wen he opens his mouth, I can really smell the liquor on his breath. He must've been drinking his weight in alcohol for it to be this heavily on his breath. I'm too tired to talk back to him so instead of verbally answering him, I flex my arm around his chest to let him know that I'm listening. "Were you really sleeping before I got here?" He asks. I don't know what he's trying to imply but I just nod my head anyway. What else would I have been doing at seven in the morning? "Mmkay." He doesn't sound satisfied with my answer but if I'm being honest, I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know what he's trying to say and quite frankly, I don't care. He's still here and I don't care.
I really wish I knew what he was trying to imply though.
Alex's Point of View.
"Yeah, I'm in Massachusetts." I trace my finger around one of Jo's many beauty marks on her shoulder and stare at her while she sleeps. I can't believe she's actually in my arms. I've spent the last couple weeks just dreaming about her...about having her in my arms, feeling her breathing against my chest and hearing her quaint little sleeping moans as she drools on my chest. I've been dreaming about this and now, she's actually in my arms. I use my free hand to hold my phone to my ear and use the other hand to peel her hair back, away from her ear. "I quit." I say that with slight apprehension because I know she's going to be pissed off when she finds out what I did but honestly, it feels good to say it. I quit...and it feels damn good. I don't know if I would've quit if I was sober but I quit and I couldn't be happier. "I know, mom. I know...I know. The job was nice but mom, I don't have to work. I know that sounds stupid but I don't. I don't have to work, I CHOSE to work. And I tried it but I can't do it. I won't do it. Sitting at a desk isn't for me, mom." I quit yesterday. Before Jo even texted me and told me she had been asked out, I quit. I hated the job for one and for two, I was probably going to get fired anyway for constantly showing up drunk. So I just quit. I cleaned off my desk after my shift was over, left a note on my desk and didn't show up this morning because I was on a plane. I hadn't planned on coming to Massachusetts after I quit. I was going to look for another job in Long Beach but I got that text from Jo and I had to come to Massachusetts. Coming to Massachusetts was the smartest thing I've ever done. "I did." I shrug my shoulders as she accuses me of quitting my job for Jo. "Say what you want mom, but...but I love her." I look down at my Jo and crack a smile. She's sleeping so very soundly. "I couldn't be without her. I couldn't stand to be without her. She's all I ever wanted, mom. I couldn't let her go. I love her too much."
I look down again and push her hair away from her face. Surprisingly enough, my mom doesn't sound too mad that I quit my job. I can't stand the fact that I'm starting to talk to her more and even more than I can't stand that fact, I can't stand that I actually look forward to talking to my mom every week. Jo made me promise that I'd talk to my mom and Amber more often after that visit to Kansas and here's the crazy thing; I actually listened to her. Now I talk to my mom once a week and I text Amber at least three times a week. Anyway, my mom doesn't sound angry. She seems okay with it. "Of course I'm taking care of her, mom. She comes first in my life." I assure her that I'm taking care of "her Jo" and look down to make sure that her arms are covered because it's a bit chilly in this apartment. I don't know how I feel about her calling Jo "her Jo." She's my Jo...nobody else's Jo...mine. But on the other hand, I do appreciate how much my mother likes Jo. She approves of her, she loves Jo, she desperately wants Jo to be part of the family and although I thought she was crazy for talking about us getting married at first, I think she's on the right track now. "She's sleep right now 'cause I got here around seven in the morning and woke her up."
Jo moves her head against my chest, moans a little and settles back down. The leg she has draped across my waist moves down a little and her arm tightens around me. She's sleeping pretty hard, it seems. "I don't know what I'm gonna do." I admit to my mom. I haven't clearly thought about what I'm going to do while I'm here in Boston but I do know that I'm not leaving Jo again. Whatever I chose to do, I'm going to make the decision based off of what is in the best interest for us as a couple. I'm not leaving her again. All being apart from Jo did was make me realize exactly how much I need her to survive. I can't live without her. Without her, all I do is drink and lie around all day. I can't go back to that. "I'm probably gonna keep the house in Long Beach..." I sigh. "No, I'm probably gonna have to go back. I didn't bring anything. I left everything there. My clothes, my shoes, my stuff...I left everything in California so yeah, I'm gonna have to go back. But I'm thinking that I'm probably gonna rent a house out here in either Boston or Cambridge. I'm gonna stay with her until she graduates...then we'll go from there, I guess." I sigh again. "I'm not gonna let her give up Harvard, mom. Why should she have to give up everything she's ever worked for? I'm not gonna let her. I'll stay here with her...med school's only four years. And the I guess we'll move after she's done. Or we'll stay here...whatever is better. We can stay in Massachusetts after she's done, we can move back to California...hell, we might even think about settling down in Kansas. We don't know...We'll play it by ear. But as it stands, I'm probably gonna be living in Massachusetts for a few years." That's the only thing I'm sure of in all of this. I'm sure that Jo's not giving up Harvard and I'm not leaving her. I'm sure that I'm going to be living in Massachusetts. "I know she could just go to UCLA, but I'm not letting her. She got into HARVARD, mom. What kind of boyfriend would I be to drag her to UCLA when she got into Harvard?" I listen to her yell at me about how she "was only making a suggestion". Sometimes my mom annoys me. "We're not gonna break up." I assure her. "And even if we do...I mean, oh well. I'm just not going to sit around in another state, sulking over missing my girlfriend. And I really don't think that me and Jo are gonna break up. Mom, she's the one. I'm sure of it. The most sure of anything I've ever been in my life. I'm sure. Jo's the one. She's the one...the one that I bring home to meet you guys, the one I put a ring on...she's it, mom. We're not breaking up."
My mom reassures me that I'm doing the right thing. "Thanks, Ma...means a lot." Alright, I love my mom and all that but I'm getting really tired of talking to her now. Plus, I'm starting to get a headache, which indicates that the liquor is wearing off and I'm getting ready to have a monster hangover. I can't believe how drunk I was when I first got here and I can't believe how drunk I still am. It's getting better though. It's wearing off and turning into a hangover. "I'm gonna go now, mom. Yeah, I'm gonna get some sleep too, before Jo wakes up." I rub my eyes and stifle a yawn. "Love you too, mom...okay...okay, bye." I hang up my phone finally and stick it next to me on the bed. Careful not to wake Jo, I pull the covers back just slightly, enough so I can lie down next to her without making her move or disturbing her. I bought this bed for her off the internet, back when I was furnishing her apartment for her. I was kind of worried that the bed wouldn't be comfortable enough since I bought it offline and not in the store, where I could've tested the softness. But it's actually really cozy. I'm proud of myself for that. Once I'm situated underneath the covers, I reach back down to cover the both of us up when something bright, vibrant, lime green catches my eye. Underneath Jo's arm, I see something green.
I wrap my hand around her arm and lift it up to see what the green thing is. Right underneath her armpit on the green thing is a black "Nike" symbol. I put her arm back down, sit up and grab onto the strap of her tank top. I pull the strap down and behold, just like I thought, she's wearing a bra. A bright green sports bra with black trim around the perimeter of it. Jo doesn't wear bras to sleep. What is she wearing a bra for? WHY does she have a bra on? I put her tank top back up and bite my bottom lip as I decide how to proceed. I thought something was up when I saw her answer the door with wet hair. Her hair was damp, like she had just taken a shower and I thought that was strange but I was too happy to see her so I didn't say anything about it. But now she has a bra on? And Jo doesn't sleep in bras, so why would she have a bra on? She never sleeps in bras. In fact, she told me that she CAN'T sleep in bras. I bite my lip harder. She wasn't sleeping before I got here. Her hair was wet and she has a bra on...and she took FOREVER to answer the door. I know what she was doing in here before I came, but I need to hear it from her. "Wake up, Jo." I put my arm against her shoulder and shake her hard. "Get up." I keep shaking her.
"Hmmm?" She lifts her head up and she has a bright red line streaking across her cheek. Part of me feels bad for waking her up when she was sleeping that hard but the other part of me feels like punching her in the cheek and making it even redder. "What happened? What's wrong?" Her voice is groggy and her eyes aren't even open. She brings her hand up and rubs her eyes, moaning as she wakes up.
"What the hell is this?" I snatch down her tank top strap and grab onto the lime green bra strap. She opens up her eyes, shakes her head and takes a deep breath as she continues to wake up. She doesn't say anything though, which to me, looks like she's coming up with a lie to tell. I know we technically weren't together because we broke up but really? She goes off and fucks another guy less than two weeks after we break up? I grip her bra strap and pull her closer to me and when I do that, that's when her eyes snap open and she looks at me with confusion clear across her face. I hear the seams of her bra pop as it rips from me squeezing it so tight. "What is this, Jo? What is THIS?" I pull her bra and hear it ripping some more.
"...A...a...a bra?" She looks down at my hand and starts breathing heavy. "It's a bra...why?"
"Don't you dare lie to me Jo, I swear to fucking God...I'll kill you." Her eyes widen when I say that. I didn't really mean that, I'm just pissed off. "Why do you have a bra on? Huh? Why do you have a bra on?" I'm half-tempted to let go of her bra and grab onto her hair instead. I can't explain why, but I really want to grab her hair and pull until she admits that she's been sleeping around. Maybe it's the booze talking. "Why are you sleeping in a bra?" She shakes her head at me, thinking of something to say. She's thinking of a LIE. I take a couple deep breaths, let her bra go and get up off the bed. "Where's he at? He still here?" I go over to her closet and tear the door open. She lied to me. I knew something was up, that's why I asked her if she really was sleeping before I got here. She LIED to my face. Well whoever was sleeping with my girl didn't have time to leave. Or maybe he jumped out the window, I don't know. "What's his name, Jo? Where's he live?!" She's sitting in the bed, clutching blankets to her chest and looking like she wants to cry. "You better answer me."
"WHO?!" Her voice is beginning to crack. "I don't know what you're talking about, Alex...I don't know what you're trying to say but..." She shakes her head. "...Nobody was here. It's just me." Her hair falls out of the bun she had it up in and she moves it out of her face. "...Come on, baby... let's go back to sleep." She pulls the covers back and gets up. She's walking over towards me slowly, like she's walking on eggshells and trying to be careful. "Come on..." She whispers, standing about five feet away from me. I must've ripped her bra pretty good because the strap is just hanging off her shoulder. "Come on."
She's trying to calm me down but I'm not having it. I grab her by her arms and force her against the wall. I'm careful not to hurt her though because I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to do that. But I back her against the wall and hold her by her shoulders. "Just tell me his name, Jo. Tell me his name."
"...Who's name?" She puts her hands lightly against my chest. "Alex...you're drunk. Really drunk...and...Why don't we just lie back down before you do something you're gonna regret?" She pushes me back. "Let's lay back down."
"Not until you tell me his name." I insist.
"Who's name though? I don't know what you're talking about...you might think that I'm lying but I really don't know. Who? Are you talking about Trevor? He asked me out...I said no...is that what you're talking about?" It makes me sick to my stomach how she's looking at me. She's looking at me like she's scared to death of me. I don't want Jo to be scared of me. But she's not making it any better by playing dumb and acting like she doesn't know what I'm talking about when she's CLEARLY wearing a bra and her hair is wet. If she's been having sex with someone else, she should just admit it. "I just want to go back to bed." She sighs. I have a feeling that if she knew how bad I want to choke her right now, she'd just admit to whoever she was fucking. If she knew that I'm seriously considering hitting her right now, she'd change her lies. "You're so drunk..." She whispers.
"Stop lying to me, Jo. I didn't come all this way to hear your bullshit lies. We can lie down and go to sleep as soon as you tell me the truth. Why are you wearing a bra to bed, why is your hair wet, why did you take forever to answer the door and WHY are you lying to me about it when I already know the truth? Stop lying, Jo. Who were you fucking?!"
"NO ONE!" She throws her hands up. "I washed my hair in the shower last night! My hair is thick, it takes a while to dry! I didn't blow dry it! I took forever to answer the door because you rung my doorbell at SEVEN IN THE MORNING, Alex! I wore a bra to bed so my boobs wouldn't jiggle if I started crying. I'm not lying to you!" She's so full of shit. That bra excuse was the shittiest thing she could've come up with. Everything else is plausible but that bra excuse was the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. "Alex, you're drunk...and you're paranoid...and you know how you get when you're drunk. Please just lie down and sleep this off."
"Take off the bra." I bite my lip and run my hand through my hair. If she won't tell me the truth, I'm just gonna have to find out for myself. She looks at me like I'm crazy but I'm dead serious. "Take it off. Now, Jo. Take it off." She sighs and starts slipping her arms through the straps so she can take the green bra off. She throws it on the ground and holds her hands out like she's surrendering. "Tank top too." She doesn't argue. She lifts the tank top up over her head and stands in front of me, shirtless. I take a step towards her and grab onto one of her boobs. I move it to the side, look for a hickey that isn't there and let it go. She's sexy as hell. I can't blame whoever it was for wanting her. I grab onto her other boob and move it to the side as well. No hickeys on her boobs. I get a little bit closer to see if I can find any evidence of anyone's mouth being on her. I brush my thumb over the beauty mark next to her nipple and squeeze her boob to cope with the overwhelming urge I have to put my mouth on her nipple. Just in case that punk actually did have his mouth on my girl's chest and didn't leave any evidence, I put my hand on Jo's waist and pull her closer to me. I lower my face to her chest, stick out my tongue and circle it around her that beauty mark. I want to be the last mouth to touch her chest. She runs her fingers through my hair.
"I wouldn't sleep with somebody else so soon, Alex. That's not me." She forces my mouth off her chest and looks me in my eyes. "I love you. Okay? Only you. I would only sleep with somebody I love." She kisses my lips. "You're drunk though, baby... We need to lie down...so you can sleep this off. When you wake up..." She strokes her hands through my hair again and kisses my forehead. "When you wake up, I'll make you such a good breakfast to feed that hangover. Okay?" I want to believe her...I really do. But... I don't know. Jo wouldn't sleep with someone. She's not like that. But the bra...and the hair...and...and...I don't know. I really don't know. I should just believe her. "Come on, Alex..." She keeps rubbing my hair. "What do I have to do to get you to come lay down with me?"
"You really didn't sleep around on me?" I bury my face in her neck and fight off tears. I don't know why I insist on being an asshole while I'm drunk. I really don't deserve Jo. She puts up with so much of my shit.
"No baby, I didn't. I told Trevor no. He asked me out and I said no. It's just me in here. I wouldn't do that to you. I love you." Hearing her tell me that she loves me is too much. Even though I tried my hardest not to, I start crying anyway. She wraps her arms around me and rubs my back to comfort me. "It's okay, baby. You were just scared...I would've acted the same way." She strokes my hair. "I would've done the same thing." I sniff. "You believe me?" I just stay quiet. I do believe her but those suspicions are still in the back of my head. I really want to believe her but those suspicions... The suspicions. "Alex, do you believe me?" I still don't say anything. She sighs hard and takes her arms from around me. Instead of having her hands against my back, she puts her hands on her own waist and starts messing around with her shorts. I pull away from her and wrinkle my brow. She's taking off her shorts and her underwear. "I didn't do anything with anybody. Look...you can check. You can check...I didn't do anything." She steps out of her underwear and stands in front of me, completely naked. "I wouldn't cheat on you. How could I cheat on the perfect man? I wouldn't..." She takes a step back so I can see her better. "When people cheat...they're looking for something that they're significant other can't give them. Alex, you give me everything by breathing. Love, companionship...great sex. There's nothing that I can get from anyone else. You give me everything."
Okay, how could I not believe her after that? She took off her clothes and offered to let me check her body. A guilty woman wouldn't do that. And that speech... how could I not believe her? I believer her. And I hate myself. I'm such an asshole when I drink. I'll never drink again though. And if I ever do...I swear I won't let it get this bad. I look down between her legs and smirk. She's just as sexy as I remember her being. She's perfect. But I keep smirking when I look between her legs. I think I'm sobering up, finally. I'm starting to get my playfulness around Jo back and that's how I know I'm sobering up. "...If you weren't doing anything with anyone, why did you shave?" I reach out and put my hand against the outside of her and stroke my fingers along it, admiring how smoothly she shaved. "You're still lying..."
"OH MY GOD, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" She blows up at me and I start laughing hysterically. Jo's so hot when she's pissed and it's also hilarious when she gets mad. "...You're joking? You're fucking joking?" She's pissed. "Alex, you gave me a heart attack!" She slaps my arm.
I keep laughing. "Babe, I knew you wouldn't cheat on me. I believe you." I kiss her on her lips. "You did have me scared for a minute there...with the bra and everything...but I was joking about the last part. You did do a nice job shaving though. It's all smooth..." I keep rubbing it and she smacks her hand away.
"Okay, now that you're gonna remember everything I say to you..." She picks up her clothes. "You really need to stop drinking, Alex. Stop drinking. I'm serious. I mean...it's okay to drink. It's fine to drink, whatever. But don't get that wasted. I shouldn't have to talk you down like that. You should never get that freaking wasted. I told you about drinking like that." I chuckle. The drunkenness is wearing off but I'm still a little loopy. "...You're so drunk." She shakes her head at me and leads me to the bed. "You're so drunk." She pushes me down on the bed. I laugh at her. "And you're laughing, Alex! You're laughing! I'm not! This isn't funny..." She might start crying. "...Alex, I really thought you were gonna hurt me." She stands in front of me, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Your drinking..it makes you so violent. And angry and Alex, I'm scared. When you drink...I get so scared. Last time, you were pushing me...and calling me a bitch. And this time, you grabbed me. You really...grabbed me." She pulls down the tank top she just put on, turns to the side and shows me deep, red fingernail prints embedded in the skin next to her right breast. "What if next time..." She swallows hard. "Please stop drinking. I don't like drunk you. Drunken Alex scares me."
She's standing in front of me, crying and pleading me to stop drinking. She said she's scared of me. I hurt her. I left marks on her body, all because I was drunk and thought she was cheating on me. I reach out and stroke my fingertips along the marks I left on her chest. They look like they hurt. I gotta stop drinking for her, man. I mean, I don't really have a reason to drink anymore now that I've got my Jo back but really...I have to stop drinking. If I don't stop drinking for myself, I'm gonna stop drinking for Jo. I can't keep hurting her, whether it's mentally or verbally. I gotta stop doing that. No more drinking for me. No more. "Love you, Jo..." I tell her.
I won't drink anymore.
