Disclaimer: I own nothing except own my characters.

Note: Last chapter for the being me. It eats me up, trust me.

This Wasn't Part of the Pan

"It was destroyed, a fire, everything was gone" I heard Matt talking but he sounded so far away, everything sounded so far away. I thought he was saying something about a shop being burnt down, but, that wouldn't happen, everything was okay. There was no sign, no warning, Matt didn't mention anything vampire wise. Burnner couldn't have them, they were protected under the Seal. They were fine, they had to be.

"Tammie," Matt started but I only glare at him. "I'm sorry" he whispered; but I said nothing. There was nothing to be sorry for because nothing happened. The twins were okay, they were under the Seal, they couldn't die. I repeated to myself as I felt Matt's hand on my arm. "Hey" he said quietly as I looked back at the paper, the poor shop, the twins, what about Savannah and Lee? If Fred was dead could I really not break the Seal? What was going to happen to me? Did it really matter? I wondered as I remembered the rest of the Weasleys. Mrs. Weasley.

"I—I…" I stuttered out. "I need to write Mrs. Weasley, she has to know about this, I have to tell about them—Fred—I—" No, no, stop feeling, I told myself over and over but the feelings were coming anyway. Grief. I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried hard to pull myself together, to stop the feelings, but it did little to no good, the only thing in my mind was that stupid picture. "He's okay, I'm sure he's okay, it's just a joke, it has to be a joke" I repeated, my words heavy.

"Tammie" Matt started but I was off, I didn't know where, but I had to go leave. I couldn't stand here, I couldn't let the reality hit me, it couldn't be a reality. I thought as I continued walking, bumping into someone. I looked up to see Professor Barrass, he'd know, he'd know the truth.

"Fred" I breathed out as he nodded, but then I noticed how blotchy his face looked. I shook my head and started to walk around him, he went to grab my hand but I dodged him and ran off; anyone who didn't know me and didn't know I was Sealed might have thought I was overreacting, I was being stupid and immature but the only thing I could do was run around the castle until I found the entrance and then I ran around outside. On the Quidditch field.

I ran until my lungs burned, until I could only think of water and sleep. I ran until I was sure I sweated out all my tears and then I ran some more. I ran my thoughts into the ground, I ran and ran. I wasn't even aware Harry had come out to stop me. "Mrs. Weasley sent for us" he said as I breathed heavily, close to feeling like I was about to pass out.

"Why?" I asked. At first he looked confused, and then terrified, thinking maybe he was going to have to tell me, but then he sort of relaxed, knowing I already knew. "I'm not going back" I told him.

"Tammie, please, don't make Mrs. Weasley drag you out, she's waiting in Dumbledore's office." He explained as I slowly forced myself to follow him.

Sure enough Mrs. Weasley was waiting in Dumbledore's office, Ginny and Ron and the others with her. Everyone looked so sad. I was still panting.

"Tammie" Mrs. Weasley said with sad eyes as she came over to hug me but I stepped back so sudden she paused in her step.

"Where are they? For real? Where's my boyfriend?" I asked, forcing my voice to be steady as Mrs. Weasley slumped a little. "He's not dead, he can't be, they can't be, so, please" I said as I felt the lump in my throat. "I wanna see them" I told her, surprising myself at the comment.

"Okay" she said as she approached me slowly, placing a hand on my shoulder and then motioning toward the fireplace.

We arrived outside of St. Mungo's in record timing. Matt was the only one who agreed to go along, mostly because of the Seal purposes, the others were at the house. "I don't understand, I thought you said the Seal protected them?" I asked.

"It does, but, if it was implied as an accident—"

"But it wasn't," I interrupted as Matt nodded but continued.

"Someone exploded their shop, using their wand, either Fred or George's. It hit the wrong group of potions and everything went up in flames" he said as I bit the inside of my cheek and glanced over at Mrs. Weasley as we followed her down the hall. "The Seal doesn't protect against self-inflected damages, just against other vampires" he explained.

"So, it could've been a human? Someone could've compelled a human to take one of their wands and explode the place?" I asked.

"No, because it's still a vampire behind it; but, a vampire or human could go in there, wrestle with one of them, take their wand and explode the place" he said.

"Like Burnner…" I said not needing to see him nod. "How come we didn't predict this?" I asked as Mrs. Weasley stopped. It was a dark hallway, cold, it felt like death. It must have been the equivalent to a muggle morgue.

"Because her point person died, we assumed we cut off the head, it would take a while to grow another one" he said as I went back to half listening as Mrs. Weasley came out from the dark room. "We assumed she wouldn't care about Courtney, that she was just a simple pawn" Matt explained.

"Tammie, whenever you're ready" she said nodding toward the door. I looked at the door, was there ever a time to be ready? I asked myself as I took one step, then again, then again but stopped when I noticed Lee Jordon rounding a corner. He spotted me at once and ran over, pulling me into a hug.

"I thought…Lee…" I said as I felt myself cry with relief that he was okay, that he was alive.

"I cut my hours back, I left around four," he said as I wiped my eyes.

"What about Savannah? Is she…? Did?" I asked as I felt someone tap my shoulder. "Oh Savannah!" I said as she grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. They were okay, alive. "How?" I asked.

"I left fifteen minutes before they did, they said they would close up. I was going to stay and help clean" she said, her voice oddly balanced as she wiped her face, the tears and puffy eyes obvious.

"But, they're okay, you guys know that, they have to be okay" I said, again, still, for my own sake, my own sanity.

"Tammie, if you want to see them, you need go now" Mrs. Weasley said as I glanced over at her, her face full of sadness.

"I can go in with you if you want Tammie" Lee said quietly but I only shook my head. I looked over at Matt, but he didn't move, I wondered if he knew better or if he didn't want to see me cry.

Without anymore thought I held my breath and walked to the door, twisting it and pushing it open as I went inside the weirdly lit room. I half expected Fred to pop out and say it was some trick; that he had to pretend he was dead. But nothing happened; I looked around, just a few white shiny tables lay in the room, all of them bare except two. White sheets covering them.

One step, another step, I kept stepping, waiting for movement under the sheet but nothing happened. Another step. Nothing. I moved until I was standing next to the table, my fingers sweeping the end of the cloth. I didn't have to do this, I could go on pretending he was in hiding, he wasn't dead. What was I proving by lifting the sheet, what good was this going to do me and my friends?

But I was under the Seal, better now I see this and use it as personal ammo to bring down Burnner and then mourn rather than later see his dead body and not be able to recover. No, he wasn't dead. He couldn't be dead. I touched the sheet, firmly, my hand was shaking, I could feel my whole body shaking. Was this how someone acted under the Seal? I wondered as I slowly, very slowly pulled away the sheet.

I blinked, I didn't know how many times, but all at once it just felt like I had a giant hole in my body, not just chest like people say when they lose someone, but an entire chuck of myself was missing. I could feel the air leaving my body, I could feel the pain of the hole being dislodged from my body. It felt like something was being taken out that wasn't supposed to be. Something was missing that I couldn't live without. I tilted my head as I looked down—as if through someone else's glasses—at my dead boyfriend, burns marks covering most of his body; I ran my fingers down his arm, stopping at each bruise, but feeling nothing, I was too numb, it was too much, but yet it was nothing at all.

I wanted to think how could he die? He didn't look too badly injured, a few scrapes, minor cuts, a few bruises. Granted I knew about inhaling smoke, I knew there were plenty of ways he could've gone. I went over to the other table, looking under the sheet, George lying there just as dead. Pretend dead. They couldn't be real dead. I told myself as I went back over to Fred and leaned over him, steadying my breathing, not even sure how the Seal was keeping me in one piece.

"Fred Weasley…" I started, grimacing as I fought away tears. "This isn't fucking funny; you have to wake up. Please, just, just wake up Fred. I won't be mad, I get it, for whatever reason, please, just…" I trailed off as I looked over his face but there was no sign of him even moving. "Fred, please, just wake up and telling me this was some stupid plan with one of your stupid potions" I said but again nothing. "I'm sorry" I said as I felt the tears, a sensation of stitches being ripped somewhere in my stomach. "Don't be dead, please, don't be dead. I can't…" I said as the tears came just as quickly as the ripping.

I wasn't sure what hurt more, the sensation of the last five months of feelings and thoughts and experiences with Fred rushing through my body or the pain of feeling like I was being torn in half. I closed my eyes at the pain, unable to will myself to stop as I felt myself being weighted down, buried by feeling after feeling for Fred.

"Tammie, Tammie!" I heard Matt's voice said as I slide down to a crouching position, the tearing hurting even more, making breathing difficult. "Tammie, hey, c'mon, look at me, look at me" he said, his voice stern as I shook my head. "Tammie, please, open your eyes" he said as I squeezed them shut even more, images of Fred's mangled body floating into my mind, mixed with how happy we were the night before his birthday. "Tammie, please, you can do this, you can push the feelings back, just open your eyes" he said, his tone still gentle. I could probably open my eyes, but did I want to? Did I really want to finish this without Fred? I wondered but then I remembered Draco, my other friends, everyone who ever counted on me to help, everyone who trusted me. Abby.

My eyes sprang open, looking directly into Matt's.

"Stop crying" he whispered, his voice even, calm, but somewhere under it grief and hatred. "He's dead and there's nothing you can do about it" I felt myself whimper as I tried to close my eyes again but couldn't. "The only thing you can do now is pull yourself together, keep this Seal in place and get ready to bring down Burnner" he said. "If you want to feel anything, feel anger, let that give you temporary strength" he said, his voice still balanced. I nodded, the grief, the tears, the happiness, the last five months of any loving thought and feeling for Fred slipping away as soon as it came. "Hey" he said as I stopped shaking, relaxing myself as I felt like I was being pieced back together.

"Did you compel me?" I asked as he finally looked away. "I thought you can't compel me" I said feeling angry.

"I can't, but, under the Seal I can, it's easier" he explained as I nodded, still no emotion other than anger, and emptiness and nothingness.

"Have you done it since December?" I asked, my trust and respect for him feeling like it was floating away.

"No, never, not you" he said as I searched his face.

"Then why now?" I asked.

"Tamms—"

"Only Fred calls me that" I snapped at him as I stood up, even though I knew he had called me that before and it didn't bother me.

"I'm sorry" he whispered as he too stood. I nodded and started off. "Where are you going?" he asked as I stopped and turned to look at him.

"Why wait to kill the bitch, let's do it now" I told him as I took another step toward the door but I felt Matt grab my arm. "Let me go" I hissed at him, a fair warning, even though I didn't know what I could do.

"Tammie, I know you're upset right now, I get it, but I can't have you go getting hurt" he said, his voice strained as I tried to pull away but his grip was too strong.

"Let go of me!" I shouted at him as I went to punch him but he just grabbed my other arm as I continued yelling at him. "He's not dead, he's not, he can't die!" I shouted out as I kept trying to pull away from Matt who looked to be having a difficult time retraining me. "I hate you," I snapped at him, my tone hinting at the seriousness but I wasn't even sure I meant it. "I hope I never see you again when this all over. I never wanna talk to you again. This is all your fault and I hate you! I hate you, Matt" I spat out as he continued wrestling with me as I tried to punch him but he merely crossed my arms together.

"I know" he whispered back as grabbed me just as I felt something hit my side and then everything went black.