The wait inside the doctor's office is excruciating. Wearing only the disposable paper robe, I fidget nervously, picking up and setting back down the various medical instruments left unattended. My stomach is doing flips and my heart is racing, my nerves in overdrive. I take a few deep breaths and try to distract myself with happy thoughts. My mind drifts back to Toronto and my reunion with Sid. I laugh thinking back to the insane amount of room service sent to our room when a teammate realized he had a woman with him, and Sid itching to retaliate, but deciding not to get sucked into team pranks. I smile remembering cheering for Sid while practically drowning in a sea of blue and white jerseys. Making love before falling asleep and again before checking out of the hotel. Sid sleeping on my shoulder for the duration of our flight back home.
The door swings open and my daydream slips away and the sober look on Dr. Patel's face floods me with anxiety and worry once more. She gives me a supportive smile, which I mistakenly take as a good sign before she launches into my exam results.
"I'll start with the good news," she says warmly, and my heart sinks. That means there's bad news. "Your overall general health is excellent. Your blood work is great, you're at a healthy weight, and all your vital organs perform in the optimal range." I nod, hoping to hurry her along to the information that I'm desperate to hear. "You must take very good care of yourself," she praises me.
"I try," I say anxiously.
"Okay, now for the not-so-good news," she frowns slightly. "You have what we call a transport abnormality in your cervix. Your ovaries are producing eggs, but there is significant fallopian tube damage preventing the eggs from reaching the uterus. The damage isn't contained to one side, but there is more significant obstruction on your left side."
"So what does this mean? I can never have kids?" I whisper.
"It makes it more difficult to conceive and maintain a pregnancy," she says slowly. "Difficult, but not always impossible."
My eyes dart up to hers at the news. Not impossible! "So there's a chance..." I start.
"Kate, let me be blunt. It's unlikely, but the longer you wait the thicker the scar tissue will become and your chances will continue to diminish," she tells me.
"How much time do you think I have before it's too late?"
"I can't say for certain, but if you really want to attempt a pregnancy I recommend buying some fertility kits, home pregnancy tests and getting started as soon as possible."
"Like, this year?"
"Like this fertile period Kate, which is right now." I consider her words carefully. Sid doesn't want children right away, he said that, but maybe if I explain things, he'll be open to the idea. My heart sinks, what man wants to have babies with his girlfriend of less than six months? "I know it's a lot to absorb Kate, and there's no guarantees when it comes to our bodies. You might conceive, but your body might not be able to carry the baby. Unfortunately you don't have the luxury of waiting to decide. I'm sorry."
"Yeah," I sigh heavily.
"There are some things you can do that may increase odds of conception," she starts and I'm hanging on her every word. "I tell my patients the best positions for conceiving are the ones that are most comfortable for you, the woman. After sex, lie with a small pillow tucked under your hips for about twenty minutes, this will help the sperm reach it's target. After intercourse, don't do anything to raise your core-body temperature. No warm baths or saunas." She furrows her brow and I know an uncomfortable question is coming my way. "Do you have a steady sexual partner?"
"Yeah," I nod quickly.
"When trying to conceive most couples assume the more sex the better, that's not the case," she says firmly.
"Oh, I would have thought we should be doing it all the time," I say naively.
"No, that can hurt the process. When a man is ejaculating often, it lowers his sperm count and can impede fertilization. Instead, sex every other day and no masturbatory emissions for him," she says and I blush at the bluntness of our conversation. "You'll need to be firm on that one. If he's doing it on his own, it won't help you conceive."
"Okay," I nod eagerly, this is all good information. It's not impossible, and I have a bunch of tips and tricks that can help, now I just need to see if Sid is willing to do this with me.
"Why don't we schedule another appointment in eight weeks? That gives you two fertile periods to attempt conception."
The ride back to my office is much too short. My head is swimming with information, and I'm excited to think it could happen, and nervous about talking to Sid. What if he says no? What if he needs time to decide? I don't really have time on my side here. I grab my phone and text him, putting the wheels in motion.
"Hey babe, call me after practice?"
Work is a blur of phone calls, emails, on-set crises, script notes, and rough cuts. For a few hours, all my troubles melt away and I'm back in my happy place. I haven't shared my fertility issues with anyone, not even Carter. When I pause to think about that, I take it as a good sign. This feels like information Sidney should be privy to first. My cell rings and I answer it quickly, anticipating Sid got my text.
"Hello?" I say brightly.
"Hey Kate, it's Andrea," she says with infectious enthusiasm. "We missed you at pilates this week!"
"Yeah, I had to go out of town," I explain lamely. "And I'm going to miss this week too!"
"Really?" she sounds disappointed. This is uncomfortable, I haven't given any thought to how I would navigate this situation with Andrea and Ray.
"I have to go to New York for work this weekend," I tell her.
"Well, that just stinks!" she giggles. "I'm having a bunch of ladies over Saturday night and I was hoping you'd join us."
"Oh, thanks for the invitation, normally I'd be there in a second." Would I?
"Good to know, we should grab lunch next week," she says cheerfully, and in that moment I realize that I like her, and I want us to be friends.
"Definitely," I agree.
When I'm back at my desk, I take a five minute mental health break from work and consider how to approach the Andrea situation. Do I tell her I went on a date with Ray? Yes, that's not a lie worth keeping up. Nothing happened, and it was more friendly than romantic anyway. Do I tell her that I know Ray sleeps around? I don't know.
My phone buzzes and I can't help but smile when I look down and see a text from Sid.
"You bet baby!" He's attached a picture of the arena, so I know he's just arrived.
Carter bolts into my office and closes the door behind him. This must be serious. Without saying a word he commandeers my computer and types my name in the search engine and to my horror pictures of me in my bathing suit pop up.
"Oh my god!" I say horrified.
"Kate," Carter smiles at me. "You look banging, that's not what we're looking at." Carter scrolls down the page and there's a few pictures of Sid and I together in the pool, I thought we were alone! There's a couple of us at the airport, returning from Toronto, but I expected those would show up, and then there's a pic of Sid walking into a Bvlgari shop somewhere. "Kate, there's only one reason a man goes into a high end jewelery shop." The gossip article is headlined in bold - Has The Captain Found His First Mate? "Yeah, the headline is pretty lame, but you get the picture don't you?"
"Oh god Carter," I roll my eyes. "You're getting way ahead of yourself."
"Just saying," he says with a grin. "It's not totally out of the realm of possibilities."
"No way, he said he bought me a gift, but it's not jewelry," I tell him and the look on Carter's face falls.
"Well the whole city is on ring-watch now, so make sure your ring-less hands are visible at all times."
"Noted," I laugh. "Oh, I grabbed something for you at the airport," I dig through my bag and present him with two large boxes of maple fudge.
"Yes!" he enthuses, tearing into the box immediately, he quickly offers to share but I wave him away.
"I don't know how you can eat that stuff," I groan.
"I didn't grow up in the land of maple, remember?" he reminds me, and I giggle.
The afternoon seems busier than usual, and I barely have a chance to think, which isn't the worst thing at the moment. I close my office door and settle in, hoping to finish some pages when my phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Hey sweetheart," Sid's voice makes me smile. "How's your day going?"
"Busy," I sigh. "How 'bout you?"
"Not so busy, just practice."
"So..." I start, but lose my nerve.
"So..." he teases me. "Are you fishing for your gift?"
"Well," I embrace the welcome diversion. "Maybe."
"Tonight," he assures me. "Can I pick you up?"
"I'd love that," I reply sweetly.
Just before eight o'clock there's a bustle of activity outside my office and I know Sid must be here. I wonder if they'll ever get used to him? He knocks on my door and pushes it open, flashing me a mega-watt smile that I return instantly. He unzips his jacket and settles into the chair across my desk. "I'll just be a minute," I say quickly.
"No rush," Sid says with a sigh.
"You're nervous!" I announce a little more loudly than intended.
"Maybe a little," he admits, grinning at me and I notice the tips of his ears redden.
"Me too," I confess.
"Why?" he presses.
"No, no, you have to give me your present first," I aim to sound nonchalant, and I think I succeed. I quickly pack up my things, and stand, taking Sid's hand as he leads me out the door. He squeezes my hand gently and I glance up at him and smile. What will I do without this guy? What could he possibly be nervous about? I doubt it's as intense as my news.
Sid opens the door to his truck and guides me inside, and soon we're on the road back home. We're both quiet, nervous in our own ways I guess, but Sid doesn't let go of my hand. The traffic is pretty light and we make good time, but Sid doesn't take the usual way home. "There's something I want to show you," Sid says quietly. We pull up to a large brick house that's under construction, and immediately I realize this must be the house he's been building...for years!
"Your house," I grin at him.
"Yeah," he smiles sheepishly. "Almost done."
"That's exciting! Can we look around?" I ask enthusiastically. Sid doesn't seem too excited about this, for some reason. I open my door, but Sid grabs my arm and gives me a nervous look.
"Hang on," he says reaching behind my seat and producing the small gift bag. "Open this first." I lean across and kiss Sid hard on the lips. His hand pulls my face tight to his, and some of my anxiety starts to melt away. The little bag is light, and I slowly pull out the gold and black tissue paper peeking out of the top. I glance up at Sid and he looks...terrified.
"Honey, relax," I giggle. Sid sighs and smiles reluctantly. I reach inside the bag and pull out a tiny gold globe hanging from a keyring. Ring. I glance up at Sid and grin widely.
"There's a little diamond there," he points to the small chip on the golden sphere. "It's as close to Pittsburgh as they could get it," he says shyly. It's my own personal map home!
"I love it," I tell him launching myself at him. Sid receives me with open arms and kisses the top of my head. "Thank you."
"I was thinking the first key could be to my place," Sid says softly.
"Perfect," I kiss him gently. Sid relaxes immediately and lifts my hand up to his lips, kissing my knuckles and smiling. "Show me around?"
Inside the house looks almost complete with the exception of finishing touches. The rooms are all empty of course, and it makes the already large space seem enormous. "There's still a lot to do," Sid says firmly, and I roll my eyes at him.
"Like what?" I challenge.
"I don't know," he chuckles. "There's still landscaping in the backyard, and some tiling in the downstairs bath..."
"Sid, you can live here while they do those things."
"Yeah, but..." he trails off and I realize he doesn't want to live here. He's built this beautiful house and he doesn't really want to live in it.
"What's wrong with this house Sid?" I ask him gently, running my hands along his arms, encouraging him to talk to me.
"It's pretty big," he starts.
"Yeah, it's big," I laugh.
"I've never really been on my own before," he admits and a blush burns on his cheeks. "I guess, it's just..."
"Overwhelming," I finish for him and he nods. "You'll get used to it, and then you'll wonder why you waited so long!" Sid pulls me into a hug and kisses the top of my head. I sling my arms around him enjoy the feeling of his warm body wrapped around mine.
"You'll stay here with me sometimes, right?" he asks, sounding so desperate for reassurance. I take a deep breath and mentally prepare myself for telling Sid everything. "Kate?"
"Well, that kind of leads into what I was going to tell you," I say nervously.
"What is it?" he asks.
"I went to see my doctor today and she didn't have the best news," I start.
"Oh my god, what is it?" Sid's face is full of shock and terror.
"Nothing life threatening," I say quickly, watching relief sweep across his face. "Nothing like that."
"Thank God," Sid kisses my forehead, and the longer I wait the more nervous I become.
"Basically she said if I want to have kids I have to get started like, right now, and I know you don't really want that at the moment, but it's something I want in my life, and if you can't try this with me then I have to find someone who will, even though I want it to be you, but I understand if it's too much too soon, and I don't want you to feel trapped or like I'm forcing you into anything..." I ramble, the words flowing out of me faster than I can even process.
"Slow down," Sid says firmly. "Start over, slower this time."
"Sorry," I pant. "I have an abnormality that makes it difficult to get pregnant, and the longer I wait the less likely it will be that I can have children. So, I know you said you didn't want that at the moment, but I really can't afford to wait on this, and it is something I want. Very badly."
Sid runs his hands through his hair, trying to absorb the mountain of information I've thrown at him. "How soon are we talking here? Months, years?" he asks.
"Right away," I say shyly.
"Wow," he huffs.
"I know."
"That soon," he says, obviously stalling for time. I don't have time.
"Listen babe, think it over. It's a huge decision, the most important decision you'll ever make really. So don't answer right away."
"Kate, I love you, I just don't know if I'm ready to..."
"I understand completely," I assure him.
"I don't want to lose you," he says worriedly.
"I don't want you to trap you," I tell him. "Decide what you want. No pressure." He laughs at the last part, and it's a nervous giggle. "Okay, a little bit of pressure."
"Let me sleep on it," he looks at me and his eyes are wild with confusion, frustration, nerves. It's a lot to take in. The short drive back to my house goes by too quickly, and we haven't said much since I thrust parenthood on him. He pulls into the driveway and puts the car in park.
"I think I'll sleep at home tonight," he says quietly. Ouch. That stings.
"Okay babe," I smile up at him, but his expression doesn't change. He's concentrating and I'm distracting him.
"I'll call you," he tells me, but his words don't have his usual conviction.
"Take your time."
"Goodnight Kate," he leans in and kisses me quickly.
"Bye love," I whisper and climb out of his truck. I grip my gift tightly in one hand and wave goodbye with the other. Part of me wonders if we've just said our last goodbye.
