Of course it was no good to dwell in the past. If he should have a motto emblazed on some sort of imaginary crest that would represent him, that would be it. It is no good to dwell in the past.

Why, then, past seems to be so much better all the time?

Remus was used to feel miserable but now… not it seemed it was getting much more intense than his usual baseline. What was left for him after all?

He looked down at the book opened on his lap, trying to distract his thought for what was quickly becoming a circling obsessive line of thought.

This new Order of the Phoenix was certainly much more organized and purposeful, but it lacked abysmally of something the last order had. He could not really put his finger on what it was, except of course his missing friends. Indeed that group had been a lot like a gathering of friends. Now…

Now there were a lot of nice, decent people, but the only real friend he could consider was Sirius. And, despite of the wild happiness, mixed with a lot of shame and regret, he had first had on learning he had not been innocent all the time, looking at him now hurt. It hurt to see how old and weary he was, which, he knew, was roughly a mirror of his own condition. Even more, looking at him without James at his side was more or less like looking at a person with a missing limb.

Did Sirius see himself this way? He did not show and Remus was not going to be stupid enough to ask.

And then… of course, there had been Tonks.

The thought of her made him want to scream in indignation, and fury, and pain, and shame.

He had thought… he had thought differently. He believed he had found something in her, a slight difference that singled her out of the entire group. And obviously she had seen something in him as well; at least, he thought that for a while. And now… who would have thought she would be the worse of them all about his being a werewolf? Not him, certainly. She seemed…

He had to suppress a loud sight.

'It's a girl, huh? How is she Remus?'

He felt he was blushing as if he was a teenager and chuckled a little.

'It's just a friend, Mum. Much younger than me. But she is fun.'

She had looked so happy then. The happiest he had seen her in months. Maybe that had been Tonks purpose, to be imagined by his mother as the woman he would have. Because it did not matter now that she had believed, that she had hoped Tonks could have been a companion to him. Remus sighed, less than two weeks before, his mother had died, silently, calmly, just the way she had lived.

She was gone, with that hopeful smile, and maybe just because of that, the whole Tonks situation had not been just pointless and painful.

Remus looked at the page of the book again. He did not even remember what it was about.

He had to find a way to focus again. He had a job to do and musing on sad memories would not make it any easier.

The soft noises coming from the kitchen did not hide completely the sound of the front door opening. It seemed that, whoever it was, they were being delayed at the entrance; there was a long silence before he could hear hesitant steps walking down the corridor.

Trying to catch up with the last sentence that had made sense on his book, he ignored it. It could be anybody and there would not be any Order meeting today.

He could not remain that indifferent when he heard the steps go closer and abruptly stop at the doorframe of the library, right in front of him.

He knew who this was and it did not help to improve his mood.

Slowly, almost against his will, he raised his head and looked at Tonks in the eye. She looked back for what it seemed like a very long moment. He knew how this would end, and he did not want it to, so he was the first one looking away. Remus did not need to see her take away her gaze from him, disgusted, the way she had been doing lately.

"Hello Remus," she murmured, and he had to look back again.

Of course she was being polite. One thing was to ignore him in a room full of people. Something entirely different would be to do so when they were alone.

"Tonks," he said, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

He looked down at his book again and tried to catch up with the first sentence on top of the page.

Why is she standing there, staring?

He could almost feel the weight of her gaze.

"Do you need something from me?" he finally asked, not being able to stand the silence any longer.

If she was planning to insult him or something of the sort, it would be better for both of them to get done with it quickly.

"Not really," she said, giving a couple of steps inside and looking around the room as if she was looking for something specific.

That was it. She was too afraid to properly look if he was there.

Remus did not need to bear this, and he would not force his being there on her either.

Still holding the book on his hand, he stood up and headed to the door, even if that meant he would have to pass next to her.

Well, she would have to endure it, he thought angrily, walking quickly.

"No," her voice made him freeze on the spot when he was just about to reach the door.

"Pardon me?" he said, turning around to face her.

"Don't… don't go," she said quickly. "I mean, you don't have to… to leave on my account… I don't want to… disturb you… don't leave because of me."

She had blushed deep red, but apparently she had not notice it, or she would have morphed the colour away, he was sure of that.

A thought; a scary, irritating, fantastic thought made its way inside his brain.

Is she no longer scared of me? Did she realise… what? That I'm not that hairy? That I'm harmless? That she was being unfair to me all this time?

He looked at her and understood she was waiting him to do something. Without another word, Remus went back to his seat and opened the book again, failing, as he had done for the past hour, to understand the small letters on the page.

Remus could hear her moving, taking a sit and opening a book. He did not dare to look up, but he did not know why. Maybe he did not want to scare her away. Maybe he just did not care. Well, that one was a complete lie, but he could pretend he was all right with it. Tonks seemed to be oblivious to his thoughts, flipping through the pages of her book.

"So, uhm… you all right?" she said so suddenly he almost dropped his book.

He very much hoped his gesture did not go noticed. Perhaps she had just found out about his mother and was now trying to... what? Give her condolences? He did not need her to do that. He did not want her to. And yet, she was talking to him.

"Quite," he answered trying to sound nonchalant and feeling he was failing miserably, "you?"

"Yeah! Lots to do, you know."

There it was. It had been just a fortnight, but he now realised how much he had missed her voice. Not the cold general greeting she used when entering an Order meeting, but this particular voice, both careless and intense, her 'personal' voice. Now, after spending that time without hearing it, he realised he had needed to.

"Of course," he said, trying to hide all these emotions from his voice.

He finally risked looking at her. She was sitting on the armchair next to him, with a large tome on her hands, and her eyes fixed on the page. Too fixed. For somebody who had been pretending to read for the past hour, the mistake was clear.

When you want somebody else think you're concentrating in a book, Tonks, you should at least move your eyes around the page and not just stare at one spot.

Why was she pretending to read any way?

Remus looked at the golden letters on the cover and almost chuckled out loud. Was she really…?

She is here to talk to me, but she doesn't know how! That's a stupid idea, Remus, she's just here… just because. But then… what if she really wants to fix things up? After being that disdainful?

"I'd never guessed you would be interested in House Elf genealogy," his inner mischievous self, that mere minutes ago seemed to be gone for good, was now back, speaking before he could even make up his mind if it was a bad move or not.

"I… uhm… what?" she said, looking at him.

Despite of it all, he could not help but enjoy the moment. Tonks, embarrassing herself, in their present circumstance, was some sort of small, funny revenge. Taking his time, he pointed at the golden letters on the cover of her book and read aloud.

"Servitude and blood. Loyal House Elf breeds in history."

He enjoyed seeing her blush again, even though he fought as hard as he could to keep his expression as indifferent as possible.

"Well… yes, I… have many interests," she stuttered, flipping through the pages of the book with a would-be serious expression.

That's adorable, he thought not being able to help himself.

"I see."

For a moment they looked at each other and Remus could see… she was indeed not disgusted any more. In her large dark eyes there was no trace of the contempt he had seen the last few days, nor the anger or the disappointment. She looked just… hopeful and friendly, the way she always had, and maybe even embarrassed.

"Yeah," she said with that affable voice of hers again, "always ready, constant vigilance, expect the unexpected, that sort of things."

"I see," he repeated, fighting hard a sudden urge to laugh out loud, to get up and hug her, to just close his good for nothing book and hers as well, and look at her in the eyes, and catch up with all the lost conversations of the past weeks.

Why should I be that forgiving, though? The idea suddenly crossed his mind. I've had a rough time because of her and now, all of a sudden, she waltzes in, trying to say a few lines and make it all the way it was? It doesn't work that way, Tonks.

"Where is Sirius?" she suddenly asked.

That sounded like a good idea, to go and grab Sirius and get out of this situation. The fact that he was enjoying Tonks' presence again was getting dangerous.

"Upstairs, I suppose," he said, not sure if he wanted Sirius to be here or not. "Do you want me to call for him?"

Maybe it would be better if I just get out of here.

"No, no," she blurted. "I was just wondering… despite of the kids being around, it all seems so quiet."

Quiet? You have no idea, Tonks, how quiet had it been. Or maybe you have. It is not nice to be on that side, you know?

"It has been really quiet around here lately," Remus could not hide the reproach in his voice, but he did not care either.

She should know, she should realise it had not been easy and it would not be easy either to get back on track. Not when she had hurt him so deeply.

She looked at him; she was frowning slightly, and there was pain in her eyes.

Nobody should put that sort of expression on her.

"I know," she muttered, her gaze fixed on his.

It seemed as if she was about to say something else, but she did not. He was feeling uncomfortable under her stare, something that had not happened to him with anybody in the longest of times.

He looked at his book again.

"Sometimes…" she said hoarsely, and he looked up again. She looked terribly solemn. "Sometimes a bit of quiet is needed… in order to clear things up. Thoughts, ideas…"

Is she apologising?

He continued looking at her, was there something else?

"I am not usually quiet, and I know that can be a mistake. But… but sometimes being quiet is the biggest mistake of them all."

Both stared at one another for what seemed to be a very long moment.

"I'm sorry," she muttered so softly that, had he not be looking at her lips at that precise moment, he might have missed it.

And what should he do?

Both anger and happiness were fighting their way inside him.

Again, he wanted both to slap her and to hug her. He wanted to tell her everything was all right and she needed not to worry. But he also wanted her to know how difficult it had been, how badly she had hurt him. It had been a long while since the last time he had felt all those emotions at once.

All he wanted, in fact, was to kiss her.

"Oi!" Sirius' voice came from the threshold. "Glad you two are here. Emergency meeting, now!"


[Tonks' Ch 51]