Sorry this took so long. I've been actually working and I was away for two weeks, and I had to rewrite parts of it a few times. Redemption has been updated as well.
Alex slid into the armchair in Caroline's office on Friday afternoon and sighed, then sat up straight.
"Hi, Alex," Caroline said warmly as she shuffled in behind her and closed the door. "I see you brought Olivia with you today. Is she going to come in?"
Alex nodded. "At the end."
"What would you like to talk about today?"
Alex took a deep breath and sat up straight. "I want to have sex for my birthday."
Caroline nodded. "And when is your birthday?"
"May 16. Two weeks."
"And how did you choose that day?"
Alex looked over into the corner and shrugged. "It seems like a good goal. Last year, I was just coming back from Witsec and nobody knew I was in town except for my godmother and my brother, and I… I didn't feel like I had a lot to celebrate. This year… I don't know. I guess I want it to be the start of something new. Something good."
"And having sex is the answer?"
"It's something I've never been very confident about, except with Olivia I think I could be. Everything we've done so far… I haven't felt too shy about… participating instead of just letting her do stuff to me and… holding back. I think it would… I want to feel her and not him."
Caroline nodded, and when Alex grew quiet, not adding anything else, she asked the next question. "And have you decided what you mean when you say you want to 'have sex'?"
Alex looked confused. "What do you mean?"
"Have you thought about, or have you and Olivia talked about what your first time will look like? Will it include penetration? Oral sex? Toys? Will each of you have an orgasm?"
Alex blushed and bit her lip, focusing on the pattern on the rug. "We didn't really talk about it, but… I don't think I'm ready for oral sex. Fingering, probably? Penetration if it works… I know she wouldn't do anything without making sure it was okay first. But I don't know… how will I know when I'm ready?"
Caroline nodded and got up from her chair, to take a tray from behind her desk. The tray contained five translucent jars in different colors, labeled 'Now,' ' 1 month,' '1 month - 1 year,' '1 year,' and 'Never.' She placed it on the coffee table between them and took a small pile of laminated cards, flipping through them before handing them over to Alex.
"I'd like you to try an exercise," Caroline said, as Alex looked at the words written on the cards. "Each of the cards has a different physical touch or sex act on it. I'd like you to go through each one and think about whether it's something you're comfortable doing with Olivia now, never, or in less than one month, sometime in the next year, or in more than one year, and put it in one of the jars. Then we'll take everything out and you can see where you're at. I'd like you to consider each thing individually, and not think too much about the distribution between the jars, okay? Just go with your instinct."
Alex nodded and turned over the stack, considering the first card.
Kissing. Now.
Being tied up. Never.
Undressing your partner. Alex imagined slipping Olivia's leather jacket off her shoulders, pulling her shirt over her head, unclasping her bra… Less than one month.
Cuddling. Holding hands. Hugging. Now.
Penetration - penile. Alex made a face. Never.
Penetration - finger(s). She stopped to consider. Olivia had been so gentle with the dilators. Maybe not a month, but maybe not much longer than that?
Alex shook as she slid the last card, Receiving oral sex, into the More than one year jar, and grabbed a tissue. She blinked her eyes deliberately and took a deep breath as she tried to push out memories of her hips being held down… of struggling to get away from his mouth on her.
"Alex? What's going through your mind right now?" Caroline said, leaning forward in her chair and speaking softly.
Alex opened her mouth to speak, but only a choked sob came out.
Caroline waited a few moments to see if Alex could calm herself, but the shaking didn't stop. "Would you like me to get Olivia?" she asked.
Alex nodded and sniffled, trying, unsuccessfully, to control her breathing. A minute later, Olivia was standing in front of her, arms open, asking Alex if she wanted to be held.
Olivia looked over Alex's shoulder as she rocked and soothed her and ran her fingers through Alex's hair. She looked first at Caroline, who sat back in her chair, and then down at the jars, immediately understanding what had triggered Alex.
"Lex, sweetie, you're okay. There's no rush for any of this. No rush at all."
"Alex, this exercise isn't meant to overwhelm you with all the things you're not ready for. It's meant to help you evaluate what you might be ready for soon and what your next steps could be, sexually. Your answers would be different if you did the same exercise tomorrow, or next week, or next month. There's also no nuance to the cards."
"Then why did you have her do it?" Olivia asked, rubbing Alex's back as she glared at the doctor.
"Liv, it's okay," Alex whispered. "She's right. I wanted to go too fast and I needed the reality check. Now I've got one," she said bitterly. "I'm sorry."
Olivia lifted Alex's chin with her finger and brushed away tears with her thumb. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Lex."
"I think for today we should stick with looking at the contents of the 'Now' and the 'Less than 1 Month' jars," Caroline said.
Alex shook her head. "No, Olivia deserves to know what she's getting herself into." She pulled way and sat back down in her chair, shrinking into the back and wrapping her arms around herself, staring at the jars.
Olivia pulled another chair right next to Alex's and sat down, but when she reached out to touch Alex's arm, she flinched and pulled away, her tear-filled eyes still fixed on the line of jars. Olivia slid out of the chair and crouched down in front of Alex, taking both of her hands. "Alex," she said quietly, gently rubbing her thumbs over Alex's hands. "Alex, look at me, please."
Alex swallowed and slowly turned her head towards Olivia, tears running down her cheeks.
"Alex, I know exactly what I'm getting myself into, and it has nothing to do with sex," she began, smiling softly. She withdrew one of her hands and reached up to brush Alex's tears away again. "I'm getting into this," she tapped Alex's temple with her index finger, "and I'm especially getting into this," she said, tapping her finger over Alex's heart. "Everything else can come in time. Or never. But we've talked about this. Putting pressure on yourself, or a deadline, is going to stress you out more. Wherever you are right now is okay. There's no rush, I promise."
Alex nodded and Olivia squeezed her hand. "Do you want to go through these, or do you want to go home?"
"I want to go through them." Alex said quietly.
Olivia nodded. "Do you want me to stay, or go back out to the waiting room? It's up to you."
"Stay."
Olivia sat back down next to Alex, still holding her hand, and waited for her to reach for one of the jars.
"Are you going to go through all of the jars, or just the first two?" Caroline asked, as she stopped Alex from opening the first jar. "If you want to do all of them, I suggest we start with the 'Never' category, and work our way back into what you feel you are ready to do. At the end, we can talk about what your next steps might be and how you can support each other through the process."
Alex nodded and wordlessly took the 'Never' jar off the table. She released Olivia's hand, who moved it to her back, and took out the stack of cards, laying them out on the table in a column below the jar. When the last jar had been emptied, Alex let out another audible breath, and Olivia took back her hand as she committed the layout of the cards to memory.
"What are you thinking right now, Alex?" Caroline asked after a moment. "Is there anything you'd like to move now that everything's laid out?"
Alex shook her head and let out a breath through her teeth, chewing on her lip. "I've got a long way to go. I'm sorry, Liv."
Olivia squeezed her hand. "Some of these things you told me you weren't comfortable with before the rape," she said, pointing out a few of the cards to Alex. "So imagining that you'll be comfortable enough with me in a few weeks or a few months is major progress. So are all of these things," she pointed to the 'Less than one month' list. "We don't have to do everything at once."
"It's normal to feel some frustration," Caroline said. "But think about where you were when you first came in here a few weeks ago. What's changed?"
"The first time we kissed, I freaked out, and now… we can make out, and I don't have as many nightmares. And I don't flinch when she touches me."
"So you've been easing into more physical and sexual contact, and it hasn't triggered any flashbacks?"
Alex shook her head. "I told you about my flashbacks and the nightmares I had in Portland, and none of them were triggered by Olivia. But I feel like every time we we want to do something, it's this whole ordeal. I can't just relax and enjoy it; I'm constantly worrying about whether I'm going to react badly to something, or pull away and hurt Olivia's feelings, or even worse, if something I do is going to trigger her. To the point where we spend half the time asking each other if we're okay."
Olivia smiled and squeezed her hand again. "Lex, we did both work sex crimes and we both know what it's like to be violated. I think it's normal that we would always want to make sure we always have each other's consent."
"I know, but don't you think it's exhausting?"
Olivia held Alex's eyes for a moment. "I'd rather take a few seconds to ask if you're okay than go too far and hurt you unintentionally."
"Liv, I trust you to stop if I ask you to."
"I know you do," Olivia said under her breath. She bit her lip and looked to the doctor, then back to Alex. "I'm just worried that you're so eager to 'get over it' and be 'normal' that you'll push yourself too hard, and… I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I hurt you."
Alex's anger flared, but she said nothing.
"Alex? Any thoughts?" Caroline asked.
Alex shook her head and remained silent.
"What if you discuss what steps you wanted to take beforehand, and then check in with each other if one of you says 'stop' or when you've completed all the steps? That might help Olivia to worry less about crossing boundaries and Alex to feel less like she's being scrutinized. Is that something that could work for you?"
Olivia nodded slowly, watching Alex. "I think we'd have to be very explicit, at least in the beginning, but I think we could try. I just… the last thing I want to do is hurt you."
"Alex, you may find that the healing process isn't linear. You'll likely have setbacks. More communication might be difficult, especially at first, but I tend to find that the more clearly couples can communicate with each other, the fewer setbacks they have."
Alex nodded and stood up abruptly. "We'll try that, then. Thank you. I think I'm done for today."
She went to the waiting room and put on her jacket, and Olivia followed silently.
"I'm going to walk home alone, Olivia," Alex said. "Don't follow me."
Olivia nodded. "Be safe. I'll give you a head start." It was still broad daylight, so walking twenty blocks on the Upper West Side alone was far from dangerous. Even if she went into the park, Alex would be okay.
After Alex left, Olivia sighed and turned to Caroline. "She has a lot of anger."
Caroline nodded. "Of course she does. But if she's not ready to acknowledge it, I can't make her."
"I can," Olivia said slowly. "She's frustrated with herself for being angry and for being a victim. When that happened in Witsec, she hurt herself and got into a bad relationship, and now, she won't hurt herself, but she's trying to use me to hurt her instead of just expressing her anger."
Caroline smiled, a twinkle in her eye. "Are you a psychologist now too, Detective?"
Olivia laughed. "God, no. But I've picked up a thing or two on the job. Do you think I'm that far off?"
Caroline shook her head. "Alex seems to be someone who likes very much to be in control. Loss of identity for a few years and rape are both painful for anyone, but she's trying to control her emotional response and direct the outcome of her recovery like she's trying to put together a logical argument for a jury."
"That's Alex. Hates not being in control." Olivia smiled, then looked serious. "Do you think I can provoke her into getting angry? I don't normally like to use manipulative interrogation tactics on someone I love, but what if I let her pick a fight with me? Make her lose control in a safe place, our apartment? Do you think it will be cathartic, or will it damage her more?"
"I suspect she's going to pick a fight with you regardless," Caroline said, mulling over the question. "Push back, but avoid saying anything hurtful. Let all the anger come from her."
"Of course," Olivia nodded. "I'd much rather she take it out on me than on herself."
Caroline walked Olivia to the door. "She has my number if she needs to call me tonight. She's lucky to have such a supportive partner."
"Ten years of sex crimes, and nothing prepares you for it being your own girlfriend. Thank you, Dr. March."
Olivia took the elevator down and hailed a cab back to her apartment, hoping to arrive before Alex. She changed into jeans and put her badge and gun in the lockbox in the closet, then poured two glasses of wine and sat down on the couch with an array of takeout menus. She'd leave the house to order food if Alex needed space.
She had only taken a few sips when she heard the door slam, and she took a deep breath. Hopefully, this wouldn't backfire.
She met Alex at the door and held out the glass of wine. "Hey, sweetie," she said warmly. She reached out to touch Alex's arm, but she pulled away.
"Liv, I need you to stop treating me like I'm broken." Alex said harshly.
"Okay," Olivia said carefully. "How can I do that?"
"I don't know! You seem to think I'm so fragile I have no idea what I want. Rape is about control, Olivia. He took it away from me, and now you are."
"Lex, I'm just worried about going too far too fast and hurting you."
"I told you I trust you to stop when I ask. What more do you want? A signed consent form?"
"Lex, listen…"
"No, Olivia, you listen. I'm all for talking about things ahead of time, but I can't deal with you asking me EVERY SINGLE TIME you touch me if it's okay like this or like that. Every time you do that, it reminds me what happened, and I have to go back through those memories to see if it's okay. I have to worry about it not being okay, and I have to remember that I'm a victim and I can't even enjoy the simplest thing without reliving the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and you make me do it. That's why I need you to let me just say stop."
Olivia spoke evenly, avoiding raising her voice in response to Alex. "Alex, has it ever occurred to you that I'm not sure I can trust you to say stop? That you'll keep going even if something's hurting you because you want to prove that you can do it, or worse, because you think it'll make me happy?
"And in case you've forgotten, I'm in this relationship too. I'm not just a tool to help you recover. As much as I want to help you, I also have hangups, and I also need to get used to this… not just being in a sexual relationship again, but being in love for the first time. And if we can't deal with my stuff, too, I don't know what we're doing."
"What do you mean, you don't trust me to say stop? What makes you think that?"
"You do! Aside from all your eagerness, you've told me that you've had sex when you didn't want to and allowed your partners to do things that made you uncomfortable in the past. How do I know you're not going to do that with me? That doesn't have anything to do with you being raped, that has to do with relationships that you were a voluntary participant in. When we make love, Alex, I want it to be because you want to and it feels good for you, and not be wondering if you're just doing it out of some sense of obligation or to prove something."
Alex's jaw dropped as though Olivia had slapped her. "What do you want me to do, Olivia? Please, tell me your criteria and how I can prove to you that my emotional recovery is sufficient for your pre-approved level of physical contact." She said sarcastically.
"Alex…"
"Don't 'Alex' me. I know you think you're the expert on this, and that you know exactly what I need and how to help me, but you don't, Olivia! I don't even know what I want or how to feel even a little bit better, so I don't know how you can. So stop fucking pretending you know what to do and fucking listen to me for once!"
"I am listening to you, Alex, and I'm on your side. You're not angry with me. You deserve to be angry, and upset, at Robert, at the situation, so get angry. Yell. Cry. Scream. Hit something. Take it out on me, if you want, but I'm not…"
"And now you're telling me who I can be angry with? Are you serious? I am angry with you. You know what? Just go. Leave me the fuck alone."
Olivia held back tears as Alex fled to the bedroom and slammed the door, and she heard loud sobs.
"I'm sorry, Lex," she whispered as she picked up her jacket and her phone and headed out the door.
Olivia walked to the park and sat down on a bench to cry for a while. She saw Alex crack. She knew getting angry would be good for her in the long run, but man, it hurt. Hopefully Alex would forgive her.
After awhile, Olivia looked at the time on her phone, and called to place a takeout order and sent a text to Alex. I'm sorry. I'm picking up food and I'm on my way home. I love you.
When Olivia arrived home nearly two hours after the fight, she put the food in the kitchen, seeing no signs of Alex other than the crooked pictures on the wall from when she had slammed the door. She approached the bedroom slowly and knocked on the door.
"Lex?" she called. "Can I come in?" When she heard no response, she twisted the knob and slowly opened the door.
Alex was laying on the bed, curled up in the comforter. Her eyes we closed, her face was stained with tears, and the whole room was covered in down feathers. Olivia smiled as she laid down beside Alex and wrapped her arms around her.
"I'm so sorry, sweetie," she whispered in Alex's ear, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Alex whimpered a little as she came to, and cuddled into Olivia's arms. "I'm so sorry. I was frustrated. I didn't mean any of it."
Alex shook her head and tried to pull back, but Olivia held her close. "No, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm not being fair to you. And I…"
"Shh," Olivia soothed. "We'll talk, but not right now. I think we're talked out. So we're going to go eat some Chinese food, and cuddle up on the couch, and maybe watch something on TV. And then we're going to come to bed, and not do anything sexual except for some kissing and cuddling. And tomorrow, we'll start to figure this out. Okay?"
Alex nodded. "Liv?" she asked, picking a feather out of Olivia's hair. "I'm sorry about your pillows. I'll get new ones tomorrow, I just… I was yelling into one, and I started hitting it, and it broke… and then once I started I couldn't stop until they were all gone. And then I fell asleep."
"It's okay. I'm glad you took your anger out on my pillows. They couldn't hurt you back and they're easy to replace. We just might have sore necks tomorrow."
Alex smiled sheepishly as they sat up, bits of feather covering their clothes. Alex ran her fingers through Olivia's hair and then her own, trying to brush out some of the feathers, and they looked at each other and started laughing hysterically.
"I'll get the vacuum," Alex said, starting to get up.
Olivia pulled her back down on the bed and kissed her lips gently. "Don't worry about it. Let's eat, then cuddle, then worry about the mess later."
Alex nodded. "I'm sorry. And I love you," she whispered.
Olivia held Alex and ran her fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry and I love you, too."
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