The next morning, a knock on the door woke Michael, and he groaned. Whoever was out there had stopped by way too early, because he felt like he'd only been asleep for a couple of hours. And he probably only had been. The party last night had gone pretty late, with Tess and Kyle not leaving until after 3:00 a.m.

The knocking continued, though, despite his desire to just block it out, and when he opened his eyes, he came face to face with the big red numbers on the bedside alarm clock. Yeah, he'd only been asleep for four hours. This sucked.

He forced himself up and out of bed, because he heard the shower running, so that meant Sarah was up and probably getting ready for work today, unable to hear the knocking. He trudged to the door and opened it to find Kyle on the other side, dressed in an Under Armour t-shirt and gym shorts.

"Let's go for a run," his friend suggested eagerly.

Even though Michael could barely drag his ass out of his apartment, he accompanied his friend to the empty football field so they could run on the surrounding track. He didn't really feel like running at all, but the fact that Kyle did was a good thing. It was almost like old times, with Kyle encouraging him to work out and not the other way around. Except Kyle couldn't run the way he used to. At best, he could manage a light jog.

"Almost there," Michael said as he ran backwards towards their imaginary finish line. Kyle's steps were heavy and labored at this point, and he was practically panting for air, but he had the determination to finish. "Good job," Michael told him.

Kyle clasped his hands behind his heads, breathing heavily. "Damn," he swore. "That kicked my ass."

"But you made it," Michael pointed out, not even slightly winded. That pace had been equivalent to that of a speed walk. But since he was still tired, he didn't mind.

Kyle shook his head, almost as though he were embarrassed with himself. "You could probably run a mile in the time it takes me to jog one lap. Ridiculous."

"Hey, a couple months ago, you wouldn't have been able to do this," Michael reminded him. He picked up Kyle's water bottle from the edge of the track and handed it over to him. "Give yourself some credit."

"I guess." Kyle squirted an ample amount of water on his face, then took a drink. He groaned as he took a seat on the field, and Michael sat down beside him. Being out here made him realize just how much he was looking forward to next year's football season with the Bulldogs. All indications were that people still wanted him to coach. Even if he wasn't working at the school anymore, he was confident that they'd let him do it. They wanted him back.

"I miss it out here," Kyle said longingly.

"Yeah," Michael agreed. He knew it wasn't the coaching aspect of the game that Kyle was missing, though. He missed being out there as a player, as a quarterback. And Michael did, too. He'd given up this game to help his best friend through a tough time. And at least now it finally seemed like that help was paying off.

"I know I'll never be the way I used to be," Kyle acknowledged, "but I'm gonna get back in shape again. Get rid of this." He poked his stomach, which wasn't looking very big anymore. "Bring back these." He pointed to his upper arms, which hadn't lost all of their muscle but still weren't as jacked as they'd been in high school.

"I'm sure Tess will appreciate that," Michael remarked.

"I hope so."

"Hey, and hopefully she'll get her hot body back after your kids roll out." Even though Tess annoyed him sometimes, there was no denying that she had a sick little body. It would be a shame if all that went to waste. "She's gonna be fuckin' massive when this is all said and done."

"Yeah," Kyle agreed. "I don't know, I'm kinda into it, though. I think she's lookin' pretty good."

"Huh. So in other words, it's turnin' you on to see her knocked up?"

"Yeah. 'cause I'm the one who did it." Kyle smiled proudly and laughed a bit. "I don't know, I think it must be primal. You'll understand someday."

"Yep," Michael mumbled. "Someday." He wasn't about to feel sorry for himself, though, not when it was obvious that Kyle's spirits were high, so he asked, "Wanna do another lap?" and started to get up.

"Uh, I think I'm still recuperating from the last one," Kyle said. "You go ahead, though."

Michael sat back down. "Nah, I'm good." Working out had always been more of Kyle's thing. Really, the only reason why Michael ever did it at all was because of him.

Kyle took another drink out of his water bottle and held it out for Michael, but Michael shook his head to decline. He hadn't even broken a sweat yet, and at this rate, he probably wouldn't.

"Hey, so, uh, thanks again for throwin' me and Tess that party last night," Kyle said. "It was fun."

"It was fun," Michael agreed. Even Max's presence hadn't been enough to ruin it.

"Tess said she and Maria had a—a conversation," Kyle went on. "Did you hear about that?"

"Yeah."

"Did Maria tell you?"

"Yep." He didn't really want to dive into it, though, because he was sort of pissed at Tess for making Maria feel like crap. "That's what we were talkin' about out in the hall."

"Oh." Kyle nodded, but much to Michael's surprise, instead of asking if he agreed with what Tess had said, he breezed right over that and inquired, "How long were you out there?" instead.

"Not long." It couldn't have been more than a few minutes. "Why?"

Kyle shrugged. "No reason."

Michael stared at him skeptically. There must have been a reason, otherwise he wouldn't have asked.

Finally, Kyle relented to saying a little more. "It's just . . . I don't know. You guys looked pretty . . . comfortable together."

Michael frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I just felt like I was interrupting when I walked out there."

What was there to interrupt? They'd been talking. That was all. "You didn't interrupt anything."

"No, I know. It's not like high school. I'm not gonna walk up on you guys makin' out in the woods again."

Even though it was probably meant to be a joke, Michael couldn't really find it in himself to laugh. "Yeah, that was a long time ago."

"Right." Kyle paused for just a moment, but clearly there was still something bothering him. "Besides, you've got Sarah now, and she's really good for you and everybody loves her, so . . ."

"What the hell are you gettin' at?" Michael snapped, growing impatient now.

"Nothing. Just forget I said anything."

"No, I wanna know."

Kyle sighed heavily, reluctantly, like he didn't want to go any further. "Okay, to tell you the truth, last night, walkin' out into that hallway . . . it kind of reminded me of when I caught you guys together in the woods."

Michael made a face. "Why? It's not like I had my hands on her or anything." Sure, he'd been standing a little close, but they hadn't been doing anything wrong.

"It was more of a vibe than anything else."

A vibe? Michael considered it. Was there a vibe? Crap. He knew there was. There always had been. But that vibe was going to exist no matter what. There was nothing either of them could do about it.

"Look, I know that you and Maria are friends now," Kyle went on, "but . . . are you sure that's all you are?"

"I'm sure," Michael answered quickly. For the past four months, he'd made sure not to cross that line. And it wasn't like it had never been tempting.

" 'cause I assume you're still attracted to her," Kyle said. "And obviously you still care about her, 'cause you almost got kicked out of college for her. And it just seems like you guys have been together a lot lately. At school, work, parties . . ."

"Well, Sarah just keeps inviting her to stuff."

Kyle gave him a knowing look. "But you don't really mind, right? I mean, I can tell. You like spending time with her."

He shifted nervously. "Yeah, sure I do." It was no secret that Max was the only one he hated being around.

"It's just obvious to me that Sarah trusts you a lot to let you spend so much time with Maria again. And I wanna make sure you don't . . ."

"What, cheat on her?" Michael barked. "I'd never do that." Sarah wasn't Isabel; she meant way too much to him.

"I'm sure you wouldn't," Kyle said, "not physically, at least. But I don't think that's the only way to cheat."

"What the hell, man?" he groaned, starting to get pissed that they were even having this conversation. "Where's this comin' from?"

"Alright, I'm just gonna come right out and say it: Are you still in love with her?"

That question . . . that question hit Michael like a ten ton truck. He hadn't expected it, and he didn't know how to respond. "I don't . . ." What the fuck was he supposed to say to that? If he said yes, then he was an ass. If he said no, then he was still an ass. And also lying. "I don't think that ever really goes away," he mumbled, "no matter how much time passes." It would have been simpler if it did.

"So . . . you still love her?" Kyle asked for clarification.

Michael sighed. "Think about it, alright? If Tess broke up with you and went off and started up this whole family with someone else, you'd still love her, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, of course."

"See? She's just that person to you." There. Done. Explained. Michael didn't want to say any more about it.

But Kyle wouldn't let it go. "And Maria's that person to you?" he asked. "What about Sarah?"

Michael's stomach felt like it was twisting itself into knots. He wasn't trying to make it sound like he was settling for Sarah, because that wasn't what he was doing at all. She was one of the most amazing people he had ever met. "I love Sarah," he said. "She makes me happy. I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend."

Kyle obviously knew there was more to it than that, though, so he urged, "But?"

"But . . ." He lowered his head, hesitant to state what had to be obvious at this point. He stared down at the ground and confessed, "Maria DeLuca is the love of my life." Then he swallowed the lump in his throat and quietly added, "She always will be."

Kyle didn't say anything, and Michael couldn't find it in himself to look at him. He thought that he might see . . . judgment, maybe? Disapproval? Disappointment? Maybe even concern.

But there it was. He'd said it, owned up, and he couldn't take it back now. It was the truth, and it was something he'd known for years, long before he'd ever known Sarah. It wasn't something he had tried to hide from himself or lie to himself about, but rather something he'd just tried to ignore. But now he couldn't ignore it, because he'd admitted it. And admitting it out loud, even just to Kyle, made him feel horrible. And confused.

And worried.

...

On Tuesday, Michael took a risk by bringing Jake with him to Music Appreciation. He cleared it with the professor, with the school, and of course with Jake's parents, and everyone seemed to think it was worth a shot. Nothing in the traditional classroom was helping him, and even the SPED department was having a hard time getting through. Bringing him onto a college campus was a Hail Mary, of sorts, but Michael had high hopes for it. The only class that engaged Jake was music, so why not squeeze more music into his day?

He stood in the back of the room with his nervous little buddy, praying that there wouldn't be another meltdown. There had already been a few. In the car, in the parking lot, on the front steps of the building. But now that he was in the room, surrounded by all these musicians who were strumming the strings of their guitars or warming up their vocal chords, he seemed much more at ease, mostly because he was just captivated by what they were doing.

"You alright, Jake?" Michael asked him.

Jake looked up at him with wide eyes, whimpered a bit, and then kept looking around.

"Yeah, you're alright." When Michael glanced towards the door, his gaze locked onto Maria as she walked in. She looked . . . beautiful. Definitely like a performer. Her hair was loosely swept off to one side in a ponytail, and she was wearing one of those long, flowy skirts and a short-sleeved white top that showed off about an inch of skin of her upper abdomen. Just enough to make him want to see more.

Don't stare, he told himself, but all he could think about was what he'd said to Kyle about her over the weekend.

She had this excited smile on her face as she weaved through all the other musicians and came towards him. "Hey," she said. "Well, look who you brought along."

"Yeah, I thought he might enjoy it." He held out his hand for a low high-five, and Jake hesitantly tapped it. "Hopefully he keeps his cool." Trying to teach him to do that very simple social thing was like trying to teach a dog a new trick. It was just something he'd have to learn, even though it came naturally to most everyone else his age.

"Seems like he's doing pretty well so far," Maria remarked.

"Yeah, as long as he hears music, he's fine." Michael squatted down in front of the little boy and said, "Hey, Jake, do you remember Dylan? This is his mom. This is Maria." He literally had to grab Jake by the shoulders—gently, of course—and turn him around to see Maria.

"Hi, Jake," she said, waving at him.

Instead of waving back, he just turned back around to Michael. He didn't look at Michael, though. His eyes were glued on a guy who was tuning his guitar, as if that were the most interesting thing in the world.

Michael stood up again and moved closer to Maria. But not too close. "So what're you gonna sing?" he asked her.

"A pop song," she replied.

"Oh, hey, that really narrows it down."

"A very popular pop song."

"Yeah? Where's your guitar?"

"I didn't have time to learn it on guitar, so see that guy up there?" She pointed to the front of the classroom, where a chubby Asian guy was setting up his keyboard. "He's gonna play it while I sing."

Once again, he tried to get some info out of her. "And you're singing what exactly?"

She smirked. "You're just gonna have to wait and see. You'll hate it, though."

"Yeah, right. I could never hate anything you sing."

"No, not my singing, just the song," she clarified. "Hell, I hate the song half the time."

"Then why are you singing it?"

She cringed. "Because the other half of the time, I love it."

He chuckled, already forming a theory. It had to be Britney Spears, because he remembered walking in on Maria watching some old Britney music videos on Youtube one time. She'd shut the computer so fast, almost faster than a little boy getting caught watching porn.

"Alright, everyone, let's go ahead and be seated," the professor announced suddenly. "I hope everyone's as excited as I am to hear some great music today."

I'm excited, Michael thought, but he didn't really give a rat's ass about any of the other musicians in that room. He just wanted to hear Maria.

"Come with me, Jake," he said, holding out his hand. Jake tried to give him a low high-five again, so Michael scooped up his hand and led him to their seats. He made sure Jake was sitting in between him and Maria, just so he couldn't get up and run off.

As the music stopped and the professor started talking, Jake started to become agitated. His little whimpers started to increase in both volume and frequency, and Michael feared a full-out scream session was about to start. "You're fine," he assured Jake repeatedly. "You're okay."

Jake didn't seem to think he was okay, though. His arms and legs were starting to move, which wasn't a good sign.

Oh, crap, Michael thought. What if this was a mistake? If Jake ended up having a meltdown, he'd have to get him out of there and drive him back to the school. And then he'd end up missing Maria's performance.

"Hey, Jake?" Maria whispered. She managed to get his attention, and Michael watched intently as she lightly drummed her hands against her legs, creating a faint but still audible sound. A beat, a rhythm. Jake was immediately entranced by it, and a few seconds later, he was hitting his own legs, too, trying to replicate that same beat.

"Good job," Maria told him, and he actually almost smiled. Almost.

Michael breathed an inward sigh of relief and stared at Maria in awe. Genius, he thought. Just like that, she'd been able to reach Jake in a way he'd failed to for four weeks now. But it seemed to be working. As long as Jake was making 'music' with his hands, he wasn't panicking.

Once the music started, Jake didn't need any coping mechanism. He was able to just sit and listen, and he actually really seemed to be enjoying himself. Michael took a few pictures on his phone and sent them to Vanessa, knowing she'd be thrilled to see how well he was doing.

It was weird, but sitting there with Jake and Maria . . . it brought Michael back. Even though Jake wasn't Dylan, even though they were two completely different little boys, it reminded him of what it used to feel like when it was just the three of them. He wondered if Maria was feeling it, too, but he'd never know. Because he'd never ask.

In all reality, the songs and singers bored him while he waited for Maria to go. She was the only one he cared about seeing. The other singers were fine. No one was particularly bad or off-key. They just weren't anything special. And Maria was special. He was sure of that.

Finally, it was her turn, and as she got up, she said, "Wish me luck." But he just smiled at her, because she didn't need luck. She had talent.

"Um, okay," the Asian guy said as he sat down behind his keyboard. "I can't sing a note to save my life, but I've been playing piano since I was three, and I really wanted to share that with all of you. Maria here was nice enough to agree to do this song with me. So . . . enjoy."

Oh, I will, Michael thought. He cast one more quick glance at Jake, just to make sure he was still doing okay, because while Maria was singing . . . he knew he wouldn't be able to look away.

His heart started to pound in anticipation as Maria sat down on a stool next to the keyboard and the pianist started to play. Michael didn't recognize the song at first, not until Maria started singing.

"We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain

We jumped, never asking why

We kissed, I fell under your spell

A love no one could deny."

She was right. He hated the song. But he already loved her version of it. With just her voice and the piano playing, it was . . . transcendent. He didn't feel like he was in a classroom surrounded by other people anymore. He felt like it was just the two of them up in his bedroom, and she was singing just for him. And maybe she was. Maybe there was no one else in there for her, either.

"Don't you ever say I just walked away

I will always want you

I can't live a lie, running for my life

I will always want you."

She didn't look up a whole lot when she sang, didn't make a lot of eye contact. She looked very thoughtful and introspective as she sang the lyrics, and he wondered if it was because it was hitting home for her. It sure as hell was for him. Especially when she finally did lift her eyes. They went straight to his, past everyone else in the classroom, all the way to the back of the room where he sat motionless, entranced.

"I came in like a wrecking ball

I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls

All you ever did was wreck me

Yeah, you, you wreck me."

He knew he shouldn't be there. There was really no legitimate reason for him to be taking that class, as much as he'd tried to convince himself there was. In his heart, he knew the only reason he was sitting there listening to her sing this song right now was because there was nowhere else in the world he would have rather been.

That was a problem.

"I put you high up in the sky

And now you're not coming down

It slowly turned, you let me burn

And now we're ashes on the ground."

This always happened. Whenever she sang, he just let it saturate him. She had this talent that was utterly captivating, and most of the time, he doubted she really even understood how good she was. Because she was full of self-doubt, and she always had been. But in that moment, he didn't doubt anything about her. Not one thing.

"Don't you ever say I just walked away

I will always want you

I can't live a lie, running for my life

I will always want you."

He had more than just a pounding heart now. He felt something in his gut, twisting and turning, making its presence known. It was that same feeling he'd had when he'd seen her on campus for the first time and walked out into the middle of traffic just because he was so mesmerized by her. He was mesmerized right now, too, just as he'd expected to be. Even if he'd wanted to look away, he wouldn't have been able to.

"I came in like a wrecking ball

I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls

All you ever did was wreck me."

As he listened to her, watched her, he wondered how he had ever managed to go without this. To go years without it. Had he ever really been content without moments like these? Or had something always been missing? What if the past two and half years of his life had been one gigantic lie? Because nothing in that whole time had felt as real or as powerful as this.

This was a big problem.

"I came in like a wrecking ball

Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung

Left me crashing in a blazing fall

All you ever did was wreck me

Yeah, you, you wreck me."

The applause started up, but Michael couldn't even manage to do that. All he could do was sit and stare at her some more. She smiled and mouthed 'thank you' to the other students, and when she looked at him again, that smile fell. It wasn't that she looked sad or unhappy, though. She just . . . she just looked. Right at him. And he did the same to her. Inside, in his overpowering heart and messed up mind, he had the same reaction now that he'd had when he'd heard her sing for the first time.

Oh my god.

It wasn't like something had sparked inside, though. No. Something had never gone out to begin with. So now it just burned a little hotter.

...

Insomnia struck Michael that night, and it struck hard.

He lay on his back in the darkness, unable to shut his mind off. It was racing. Whenever he closed his eyes, he saw Maria, saw her mouth moving as she sang the words of that song today. Or he heard her. He couldn't shut it off.

It didn't help that he was remembering the past, too, and it was all mixing into one. Mostly he was remembering what it had felt like in their last moment together. Or what he'd thought was their last moment at the time. Watching her leave and being powerless to stop it was one of the worst memories of his life, second only to one. He remembered all the desperate, heartbroken things he'd said to try to get her to stay, and how none of them had worked.

"I love you. You know I love you."

Did she know that even now? Was she lying awake tonight, too, thinking back on the same thing he was? Mind racing . . .

"I don't wanna lose you. I still wanna be with you."

What if he still wanted that, even now?

"I don't even know who I am without you."

Was he still that same person who had stood on the street and watched her drive away? Sure, he had a job and good grades now, but had anything inside him really changed? Maybe not. Maybe he was still the same pathetic loser who hadn't been able to convince her to stay. Maybe his life had never really gone anywhere because he was still stuck back there in Roswell, waiting for her.

"You're the love of my life, and I'm not just gonna let you go!"

What if letting her go had been a mistake? He could have had years of listening to her sing or seeing her smile. Or laugh.

"We're supposed to be together."

Feeling guilty, he looked over at Sarah, lying next to him, her naked back exposed by the blankets. He couldn't see her well in the darkness, but he could feel her. Right there. Always there. And always warm. And understanding. Probably way too understanding for her own good.

He wanted to be able to say that she was the love of his life. He wanted to get lost gazing at her the way he had with Maria today. He wanted her to be the reason why he couldn't get to sleep tonight. But she just wasn't. And that wasn't her fault.

Fuck, he thought, furious with himself for feeling this way. Why couldn't he just . . . stop?

This wasn't good.