Apologies in advance for the sappy drama that is the majority of this chapter.
Sute gurgled happily as she clung to the large chair leg. I watched her carefully, hands spread out to catch her should she fall. The child, who had been but a small infant when I had first found her, had grown again quite suddenly. Perhaps, Beorn's house had a similar magic to that of Rivendell? At any rate, little Sute was much bigger now and had started to develop a tiny mop of brown hair on top of her head.
Presently, her tiny hands were clutching onto the leg of one of Beorn's chairs as she tried desperately to pull herself up. She wobbled in such a ridiculous manner that I could help but laugh. Finally, Sute managed to bring her legs straight. She looked around at everything with wide eyes and a look of wonder on her face. The child gurgled happily as her eyes found my face.
Sute really was such a happy child. Wholly unaffected by everything we had gone through so far on this journey. This is what I needed. A break to relax and replace my bad memories with new ones. Happier memories.
"You look… better." I looked up to see Nimm standing behind me. She was watching Sute with suspicion.
"This place is peaceful." I nodded, a gentle smile coming to my face. "And safe."
"Still after what happened…" Nimm stopped, realizing the bad memories she might be bringing up. "You're handling it rather well." I didn't reply, instead pulling Sute into my lap and letting the little bundle of curious energy clear away the darkness.
"Yeah." I said at last. Neither of us knew how to respond.
"Lady Miley," I looked up at Gandalf's voice. He was standing over with Thorin and Beorn, the three looked to have been conversing. I stood, shifting Sute over to one hip and made my way over to the three.
"Yes?" I asked upon arriving.
"We are discussing how to proceed with the quest." Thorin began his gruff voice a little more cautious than usual. "I estimate we can spend no more than three days here if we want to make it to the mountain before Durin's day."
"Three days…" I repeated, internalizing the fact.
"The matter that needs considering," Gandalf began "Is whether or not you will be continuing with us." In all honesty, I panicked for a moment. Thankfully, Beorn spoke up to clear any confusion.
"They are worried it will be too much for you." Beorn said to me. "You are more than welcome to stay here until you feel you have recovered."
"Miley's staying here?" All four of us turned to see Nimm looking back in shock. She looked to me specifically. "You're… staying?"
She seemed so helpless and at the same time relieved. It was an unreadable expression. "…No." I replied after a long moment. "Three days is plenty enough time." I set my face in determination, turning back to Thorin. "I do not need any extra coddling Thorin, don't worry about me." I took a deep breath and forced myself to smile. "I'm tougher than I look." There was a hint of admiration in his eyes as Thorin nodded.
"Very well then." He turned to address the others. "Rest up! We will leave two mornings from this day."
I slammed my fist into the wall. I wouldn't be surprised if the dwarves inside had heard it. I didn't really care. I had thought maybe Beorn's shed would be a good place to take out my frustration. There was very little in there and I would end up squishing a giant bee by accident or anything. Dammit.
"DAMMIT!" I yelled aloud, kicking over an old wooden crate. This then proceeded to injure my foot, which led to another string of curses.
"Nimm?" Someone called. "What's wrong? Are you alright?" I sunk to the ground, back against the wall and watched as Kili walked in, his face a mask of concern. He immediately hurried over to me and crouched by my side. "Nimm?"
A lump had already formed uncomfortably in my throat. "It's nothing." I shook my head.
"You've been banging around in here for a good while now." He gave me a look. "Everyone can hear it. Besides, I can tell you aren't feeling right."
"Yeah, but it's nothing. I'm just throwing myself a pity party. So leave me to my lonely suffering already so I can get over it." Kili sat down next to me a waited for me to talk. It was annoying, but eventually, I caved in.
"I don't know if Miley is just a saint or there's something wrong with me." I blurted out at last.
"That's what your worried about?" Kili raised an eyebrow. "Because the obvious answer is both." He smirked at his own jest but I glared at him.
"I'm being serious Kili." His smile dropped away and he gave me an apologetic glance before looking at the ground. I stared at the roof, trying to figure out exactly how to express myself.
"When I was younger," I began. "Or really anytime I listened to a story," I couldn't exactly say TV, cause he wouldn't know what that was. "I would always end up rooting for the bad guys." I pursed my lips before continuing. "Because I identified with them…" I scuffed my boot in the dirt, moving it back and forth slowly making a pile of dirt on both sides. "I've always thought that evil is taught not born. In all the stories, the villains had suffered through so much. Like I had." I stamped the dirt piles flat again. "I've always considered myself more of the villain type and all that. Because of the 'suffering' I had gone through, you know?" I paused for Kili to respond, though he didn't so I continued. "I had always thought, it's not my fault I do bad things. It's because of what happened to me. I didn't ask to be this way." I rubbed one eye hard, leaving it stinging. "But then here comes Miley. She had the same thing happen to her, probably even worse, and she… she's practically over it already!"
"She pretends to be strong." Kili said consolingly.
"It happened eight years ago!" I snapped. "I have spent… eight years of my life… reliving what happened. I felt so dirty. And… I couldn't even talk to anyone about it. Because it was when I was in a boo… another world, everyone thought I had just made up the whole thing! I had to deal with it all on my own. My mom was dead, my dad thought I was crazy… god I probably was! No wonder all my friends ditched me." I was probably hitting things again by this point. It was hard to tell through all the water coming out of my eyes and the sobs that broke up my words. "And I had to pretend… that I was fine. I had to act like e…everything was okay just so… I wouldn't be left alone by everyone! Hell, you'll probably leave me too! Who'd want a bitch that breaks down into insanity just because her friend is getting better? God, I am so twisted and sick!"
"Stop it! Just…" I fell silent and Kili pulled me into his arms. "…stop." He held my shoulders tight as they continued to shake uncontrollably. "Please…"
I started sobbing again. But it was more sad this time, and less angry. I had stopped hitting things anyway. "I just don't want to be the bad guy anymore. But… I'm not strong like Miley is. Eight years… and I still can't get over it. I've felt so dirty for so long. Kili…" I blinked away my tears and looked up into his eyes. I was a wreck. So much for staying strong. Putting on a brave face. It was too late for that anymore. It was just a mask after all. Another form of hiding. Running… That's all I seemed to know how to do. Ever since that day…
"I just need to feel clean again."
Next chapter should be posted in a few days :)
