Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.


One More Try: Chapter Forty-Nine


ELIZA'S POV


Today has been one of the worst since I arrived in Seattle. Not in terms of Arizona and I…but, I've felt like I don't belong today and I don't like it. The university has me close to breaking point, and honestly…I don't want to go back there. I've had the day from hell. I mean, I get it. I know Arizona is the best there is but I'm not to blame for it. Sure, personally I think it's my fault, but the students have no idea what they are talking about. I didn't fall in love with Arizona so she would lose her job. I didn't do it to cause problems for her. It just happened. It happened, and I couldn't stay away from her. No matter how hard I tried. Because I did. I tried hard to push her away. I tried hard not to think about her. Hell, I broke it off with her on more than one occasion because I knew that this would be the outcome. I knew that there was only one way that this was ending…and we were both right. Still, I'm here.

I just wish they understood. I wish they could experience the way I felt when I was avoiding her. When I was telling her we couldn't be together. I wish they knew the pain I felt as I lay awake every night thinking about her. Longing for her. Craving her attention and time. I wish they had even just the slightest idea how I felt, and maybe then, they would understand. Maybe then, they would see that this isn't just some fling. I'm not doing it for the gossip or the rumors. I love Arizona with everything I have inside of me, and the things I heard today really hurt. I mean, this woman is the only one I want to spend my life with, and for that…I was called a slut. I was told that she just wanted some young meat for a little fun and that I'd ruined her life.

Arizona doesn't know, but our new biology professor asked me to stay back after class had ended. I figured she wasn't happy with my grades or something to that effect, but no. She asked me if I was going to cause any problems for her. Like, does she think I spend my days banging professors? Does she think that I'd even look at her that way? She clearly does, or she wouldn't have said it. She wouldn't have insinuated that I was going to be problematic. That's not who I am. I don't spend my days picking out my next prey. I don't have a list of who I want to bed next. I could see Professor Daniels trying to figure me out. See what I was about. I'm not about anything, though. I just love Arizona and she had to know that. My girlfriend had to know, even if nothing ever came of it. Sure, it worked in my favor, but sometimes I wish it hadn't.

I know I shouldn't think like that because my life is amazing right now, but sometimes I wonder if Arizona would have just been better off not knowing. She had no idea, anyway, so if I hadn't told her anything about how I was feeling...she would be living her life and she would still have a job. Instead, she's spent the best part of six months locked away with me behind closed doors and I feel bad about that. I really do. She doesn't deserve any of this. She doesn't deserve to have her reputation as an amazing professor ruined because of me. I'm nobody. I'm just a twenty-one year old who has brought her nothing but issues.

She doesn't see that, though. Arizona sees me as the woman she wants in her future. I appreciate that, and I wouldn't have it any other way now that I've had a taste of her, but I still feel dreadful every morning when I wake. When I'm preparing to leave for class, I feel that guilt settle deep in my stomach and I struggle to shake it off. I struggle to think about anything else for the rest of the day.

"Hey…" Pulled from my thoughts, Arizona steps into the bathroom and gives me a smile. "You almost ready in here?"

"Oh, yeah." I give her a small smile. "Just fixing up your bath."

"Our bath." She smiles as she leans against the frame of the door. "You are joining me, right?"

"Y-Yeah, if you want me to." I nod. It's been over two weeks since I've even seen her naked. She tries to avoid it because of the scar on her stomach, but I've told her she is still beautiful. Like, she doesn't even dress in front of me anymore. "I can leave you alone if you'd prefer it?"

"No, just…would you mind if I get in alone?" She drops her gaze. "Then you can join me?" She wants to be in the water and under the bubbles before I see the rest of her body. It makes me sad knowing she feels that way, but it will pass. She's even more beautiful than she was before.

"Sure." I turn off the taps. "Just shout when you are ready for me." Standing, I brush past her and head for our bedroom. Sounds kinda weird saying that. I now live here, but it feels crazy. I still have everything to grab from my place, but there is no rush. I'm barely ever there, anyway.

The bathroom door closing, I take a seat on the edge of the bed and release a deep sigh. I've been thinking about taking Arizona to dinner one evening this week, but I'm not sure if she is feeling up to it yet. She hasn't mentioned anything about venturing outside, and I don't want her to think that she has to. Maybe it's something and nothing, but I get the impression that she is worried. I don't blame her, though. I would be, too.

My name being called from down the hall, I slip my clothes from my body and shrug my robe over my shoulders. I don't know why, but even I'm beginning to feel self-conscious. I guess it's just been a while and my nerves are getting the better of me. Heading towards the door my girlfriend is safely behind, I knock gently. "Arizona?"

"Come in."

Pushing the door open, I step inside and she gives me an adorable smile. She's sitting forward in the tub, and I'm assuming she wants me to climb in behind her. That way, her injuries are covered and I cannot see them. "Where do you want me?" I ask as I tug the material holding my robe in place. "Behind, or?"

"Yeah." She agrees. "I'm more comfortable that way."

"Fine by me." My robe falling to the floor, I step into the water behind her and the heat immediately soothes my body. "Wow, that temperature is perfect."

"I know." She sighs as she rests her body back against me. My legs either side of her. "And you are super comfortable, too." Glancing back over her shoulder, I give her a smile and press a kiss to the top of her head. "Thank you for staying tonight."

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else." I admit. "Especially not when we get the night to ourselves." It's nice to have her in my arms. It feels like it's been an entire lifetime since I last had her like this. Just…

against me. Breathing softly.

"I'm so happy you're moving in, Eliza." She places her hand over my own that is resting on my thighs and gives it a squeeze. "I didn't think you would say yes."

"I'd be a fool not to." Brushing her hair from the side of her face, her eyes close and she smiles. "I love you, Arizona. I just want us both to be happy."

"I want that, too." She admits, her jawline almost blinding me. "Can we just enjoy our evening together? No worries?"

"I'd like that." I agree. "We can save them for another day, huh?"

"Yeah…" She rests her head back on my chest, her eyes closing. "Another day."


Settled on the couch, I've spent the past half hour shoveling Chinese into my mouth, and now I can't move. Even breathing is problematic for me right now, but God…that food was good. Arizona didn't eat much but she hasn't had much of an appetite since the explosion. I guess it's just the medication and the way she is feeling. I've been watching her for a little while, and she is totally in a world of her own. I don't know if she has things on her mind, or if I'm just reading too much into it, but she doesn't seem herself. At least, not how she has been the past few days. She really was beginning to pick up.

"Did you want anything else to eat before I clear this up?"

"No, thank you." She smiles.

"You didn't eat much." Trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, I shrug and stack the containers on the coffee table. "Just not feeling it, huh?"

"Not really, no." She gives a slight sigh and falls back into a silence again.

"You know, I think I'll clear this away later." She looks like she could use a hug right now. "Mind if I sit with you?" I raise an eyebrow.

"No, not at all." She shifts a little and I settle down beside her. Pulling her gently between my legs, my hands rest high up on her stomach and she relaxes against me. "Just, uh…sorry about before." She sighs.

"When?" I've no idea what she is apologizing for, but she feels she has to for one reason or another.

"In the tub." She clears her throat. "I just don't feel like myself right now…"

"In the tub?" I ask. "What happened in the tub?"

"Nothing, and that is the problem." She scoffs.

"Okay, you've totally lost me." My fingertips run up her arm, hoping to settle any worries she has going on right now.

"We both know that other stuff always happens in the tub, Eliza. I'm sorry if that is what you were expecting…"

"I wasn't expecting anything." I furrow my brow. "Why would I be?"

"Because it's been two weeks." She replies. "Two weeks and you've had nothing from me. Nothing, and I hate it."

"I'm not here for sex, Arizona. I'm here because I love you and I want to be with you…"

"Still…" She shrugs. "You deserve more."

"I don't want more." I counter. "At least, not until you're ready. Don't even worry about it. It isn't important."

"But it is to me." Her voice breaking, I take her hand in my own and tighten my grip. "It's important that you know how much I love you. I just…I can't show you how much yet."

"Look at me." She glances over her shoulder, her blue eyes holding sadness. "I don't care if we have to wait two weeks or two years. Your recovery is all that matters and you have to know that. You have to believe that I wasn't expecting anything from this evening."

"I'm trying, okay?" She holds my hand tight like she is about to lose me. "I mean, it's bad enough that the whole sexy professor thing no longer exists, but I'll try. I'll try and still be that person…"

"No." I shake my head. "Don't even think that." My heart breaking at her admission, I want to hold her tighter than ever before, but I can't. I can't because I'll hurt her. "You are perfect. How you are and who you are is perfect to me. For me. I don't need you to be something you're not. I didn't fall in love with you because of your job. I fell in love with you because of you as a person. Even if you weren't a professor when I met you…I'd have still fallen head over heels in love with you."

"Promise?" She turns away from me and shifts onto her side, her arms now hugging my thigh. "Promise that you will still love me when the realization of who I actually am hits you?"

"Who you actually are?" I repeat her ridiculous words. "You mean the beautiful, smart and kind woman I couldn't take my eyes off when I arrived in Seattle? The woman who has shown me nothing but complete love and honesty? That woman…"

"Y-Yeah." She sighs.

"I'll always love that woman." I run my fingers through her hair and she draws circles on my thigh. "That woman stole my heart last year, and I never want it back."

"You are incredible, you know that right?" Her eyes finding mine, I dip my head a little and place a soft kiss to her lips. I can understand why she is worrying, but she has no reason to. I'm not about to walk away because she isn't feeling good about herself. I'm also not about to walk away because she isn't giving me sex. A relationship doesn't work like that, and I'm in this for the long run. The longest run possible.

"I just want you to stop worrying about us, Arizona," I answer honestly. "When the time is right, you will know. Until then, I'm happy to lie here with you like this. I'm happy, so long as you are in my arms every night."

"You mean that?" She asks, her voice trembling. "You aren't just saying it to make me feel better?"

"Well, I guess in a way, I am yeah." I give her a smile. "Because I want you to feel better." She gives me a slight nod. "I'm also saying it because I love you and this is going to take time. You're still in pain, and I get that."

"But I'm not in enough pain to stop being intimate with you. Not now." I admire her honesty, I really do. "I want that with you more than anything…I just can't."

"And that's okay." I give her a sad smile. "Whenever you are ready, I will be here."

"I just need some time." She sighs.

"Take all the time you need." I pull her up my body. "I love you, okay?"

"I love you, too." Gripping my waist, she buries her head in my chest and releases a deep breath. "Thank you for being patient with me…"

"Hey." I press a kiss to her head. "You are beautiful, Arizona. Everything I could ever want in my life. If I can't be patient with you, I shouldn't be here." She glances up at me, her blue eyes a little brighter than before. "I'll always wait. If I have to wait forever…then that is what I will do."

I know she is struggling and at times…I am too. I'm here for her, though. I always will be. This woman in my arms has meant more to me than anyone else ever will. I can say that with complete certainty. Not only does she make me feel incredibly blessed every day, she makes me feel incredibly proud, too. Proud to call her mine. Proud of everything that she is. So long as she continues to be honest with me, we can work through this together. We can work through it and before we know it…life will be back to normal and our love will overpower any worries we face.

"Can we just stay like this tonight?" She asks, her voice a little hoarse. "Just…if you wouldn't mind?"

"We can always stay like this, beautiful." My fingers running through her hair, she smiles up at me and switches her gaze back to the TV. I don't ever want to be any other way. No amount of intimacy could ever be better than simply lying here with her in my arms. None whatsoever. When we are like this, we are perfect. Sex is just an added bonus. When she is feeling good again, she will know. She will always know.


Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.