Chapter 4: Free Time II

I really don't want to go to the library. It's the place I woke up covered in blood, the light of my life snuffed out by someone I thought I trusted. She lured me there so she could drug me and kill Hikari, all for the sake of some fucking plane tickets. Just thinking about the place is bringing back all those horrific memories, the emotion that's still raw and hurting. Imagine what actually setting foot back in that library will do to me? Rin's organised yet another book club, and while I do relish the prospect of fresh literature, I'm dreading the inevitable meeting held within that foreboding library.

Even now, I'm doing whatever it takes to avoid that trip, holding my e-handbook aloft, placing it at various angles on my bedside table, all in the vain hope that I can read by its light. However, the brightness of the screen is glaring and even with the device resting beneath my chin and the book held in front of me at arm's length, I can't make out all the words properly. Candle-light would work much better. And yet here I lie, still refusing to move, frozen with fear and apprehension. I can't do it. I just can't face it yet. However, using this handy device, I can see exactly where Rin is right now.

Thank the gods and various minor deities; she's in her bedroom like a sensible human being. All that anxiety for nothing. I'll just drop in, ask for some candles, come straight back and then spent the rest of the night memorising One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Simple plan. Everything feels as peaceful as it can, given where I am right now and what's happening to us all. I'm not afraid of Rin. Well, not much. Maybe a bit. More than I ever was of anyone who's actually committed murder in this hospital…

I sneak out of my room in the dead of night, with only my e-Handbook to guide me to the correct room, and delicately knock on the door.

"Who is it, and what could you possibly want at this time of night?" she asks from behind the door. I suppose this is an unreasonable time by anyone else's standards to want to drop in, but for me, this is just… time. There really isn't another way to explain it. Day and night no longer feel different or special. They blended together long ago, the boundaries of time blurring until discerning between the two became impossible without the guidance of the outside world. If the lights weren't all off, I wouldn't feel any different. I feel tired, but that's just how I've felt ever since this ordeal started.

"You wouldn't happen to have any of those 'alternative light sources' in there with you, would you?" I request, harkening back to our previous conversation. Since everything's so deadly quiet, I hear the shuffling of her feet towards the door and it swings open, revealing Rin, still fully dressed. Guess she's not planning on sleeping any time soon either.

"I should have known," she says, rolling her eyes and motioning for me to come on in. Get in, get candles, get out. Simple. Everyone else has such nice rooms compared to mine, and Rin's is definitely no exception. Rows upon rows of bookshelves line the walls, illuminated by the flickering glow of a lone candle on a circular wooden table with a baroque chair situated next to it. Why don't I get any of this cool stuff? Was my life on the outside really that unremarkable? I mean, okay, it's probably a good thing that Monokuma left my cuddly monkey behind because I'd probably die of second-hand embarrassment if anyone found out about him, but still, there must be other significant items in my life, right?

"Do take a seat, Shinji," Rin says, gesturing toward the fancy chair before picking up her own personal copy of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and sitting on her bed. "I insist. The best furniture must be reserved for guests." Wasn't planning on staying long, but why the hell not? The chair's certainly more comfortable than the lime monstrosity in my own bedroom. Where did that thing even come from?

"I only came here to borrow a candle," I say, but Rin shushes me.

"Oh, come now, we both know that's not the only reason you came here," she says, rather insistently.

"Oh, it is," I say, much more insistently.

"Your motivations are multi-faceted, Shinji," Rin says. "It's true, of course, that your visit primarily concerns my collection of fine candles. But I put it to you that perhaps you were moved by loneliness, by apprehension, by the burden you continue to carry as each day passes. The truth is, you just couldn't bear to be alone tonight. Am I wrong?" She's gone all Sigmund Freud on me all of a sudden. Is she really wrong, though? I don't know if I can say for certain that she is. I miss Hikari. I always will. I don't know how long it will take for those wounds to heal and for me to be able to let my guard down like that again. And as much as I loathe to admit it, I think I do need some company right now, just to take my mind off her death for a bit.

"…No, I guess not," I say after a while.

"Stay a while, then," Rin says. "We can have our own private book club. I would make some tea for us, but alas, we are without water or electricity." That would have been a nice touch, but oh well, I guess it can't be helped. Rin pulls her little black book out of her pocket, flicks to a page seemingly at random, and reads it, her brow curling as she scans the page.

"What is it?" I ask, although I don't expect a straightforward answer.

"It would appear there is a glaring omission here," she says. "Somehow, despite my best efforts, I still don't know what your favourite book is. Care to divulge?" There'll be no worming my way out of this one. It's difficult to answer, not just because of the sheer volume of material to select from, but also the potential embarrassment my choices could cause. However, I'm feeling the seconds of silence drag by so I need to say something. I'd ask her to promise not to laugh but I'm not sure if Rin is even capable of laughter.

"I guess… Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," I answer awkwardly, spotting a wry half-smile on Rin's face for just a millisecond before she regains her usual cold demeanour.

"Ah, yes. Dahl. An excellent choice, if I may say so. The man possessed such a rare gift for storytelling. Are you familiar with his collections of short stories? Some of those are truly outstanding!" We talk at length about the great Norwegian's oeuvre, the good, the bad (not that much actually falls into this area) and everything in between. Hell, the dude had such a crazy and interesting life, he turned that into a book too. It's the sort of life Hikari would have wanted me to live. Going to a prestigious private school, living in Africa and flying planes before marrying a glamorous movie star and settling into a life of writing. Swap the glamorous movie star for a pyromaniac though, just to be on the safe side. Maybe once I get out of this nightmarish place, I'll write a book about all the shit we went through in here.

"Have you ever considered writing fiction?" I posit to Rin. Her fervent note-taking habit might not translate well to fiction, but if she's always writing anyway, why not give it a shot?

"Alas, I fear I lack the imagination for that," she replies, turning over a page in her notebook. "My note-taking is a very particular skill. Besides, isn't real life just as interesting as fiction?" If you say so, Rin. Mine was incredibly mundane for the most part before I wound up kidnapped by a teddy bear from hell.

"You read fiction, though, and lots of it," I point out. We've just spent Marduk knows how long talking about it.

"A habit formed in my early youth," Rin admits, unable to look me in the eye, instead preferring to pore over her pages of incomprehensible notes. She's actually volunteering information about herself. Who are you, and what have you done with Rin? "As you might have guessed, I was rather a quiet child. I didn't bother anyone, and they didn't bother me. Such an existence was a lonely one. I began to read books as a form of escapism. I was the absolute embodiment of the isolated, disconsolate figure, sitting on her own every day with nobody to talk to." Sounds like my experiences in Italy. Except I had imaginary friends that I spoke to in my native tongue so nobody would understand me. No wonder my parents handed me over to a shrink.

"Yeah, I know how that feels," I reply truthfully. Before I ended up here, I would have said those were the unhappiest days of my life. Italy was without doubt an immensely beautiful country, but I could never love it because I didn't fit in and it's where all my troubles began. Unfortunately, unlike Rin, I didn't have the luxury of being ignored. I was bullied by the more handsome, popular boys, because I was the weird foreign kid. I didn't belong there. They'd chase me around, throwing stones and kicking a football at me, taunting me for not having the skills of Yoshiaki Hirano. I couldn't get away from them because my insomnia took a physical toll, and so they'd always get me. Things never escalated to full violence, but there was a lot of vicious name-calling and bad imitation of my accent. I don't particularly want to tell Rin about all this. It's a struggle not to let my face betray my emotions, but I attempt to look thoughtful to avoid more probing questions from such a skilled interrogator.

"Then you should know just as well that withdrawing into a fantasy world is not the solution," Rin says. "The correction of my path was slow and gradual. People would walk right by me, oblivious to my presence, and talk openly about the most intimate of subjects. At first, I would ignore them, but as time passed, I became more aware, realising the importance of the world around me. Life was passing me by, and it became my duty to record it so this could no longer be the case. The contents of my notebooks are more powerful than you could possibly imagine. The secrets I've overheard could bring down governments…" Rin's permanent poker face makes it impossible to tell whether she's joking or not. Wouldn't put it past her to be holding onto some potentially incriminating evidence against someone with political influence. Seems like all of them have got dirt just waiting to be uncovered. I can't help but feel that something isn't adding up, though.

"How did you end up as the Ultimate Librarian, then?" I ask, attempting a quizzical sort of pose, like a particularly persistent journalist badgering a politician. I've managed to squeeze some blood out of this stone already; can't do any harm to try for more.

"Well, aren't you inquisitive tonight? I thought you were only here for the candles, not my life story." Well, yes, originally, but now that we've been sitting here chatting for hours I think we've rather moved on from that. "You know my policy. You volunteered your favourite book, I opened up about my lonely childhood. I rather think you got the better deal. You'd better offer me something incredibly intimate..." How intimate are we talking here? Does she want to know what me and Hikari used to get up to? The whole sensitive earlobe thing? Or perhaps it's a different sort of intimacy, the sort of secret I couldn't even bring myself to tell Hikari…

"I… Look, do you know that painting in the ward up on the first floor? The one of the Italian doctor with the moustache? He haunts my nightmares. I had to see him during my childhood and he tried to convince me that my insomnia was a manifestation of the sinfulness of my existence. I was born out of wedlock, he was a Catholic. You can figure the rest out." Rin, unusually, does not note this down immediately. Instead, she sits there, pen poised, just staring at me in uncomfortable silence. This continues for what feels like a century, but in actual reality is probably only around thirty seconds. Very slowly, Rin begins to write, but she continues to look at me with that unreadable expression.

"I see. Yes. I do recall Eizou mentioning this once. He didn't believe you when you said he was your doctor. But I do. The path I chose is one where I can safely assume that everything I hear is the truth. After all, when people think they're alone, they have no reason to lie. When someone asks to speak with another in private, it is always a confession that weighs heavy on the heart, never a lie spun to garner sympathy. And even in a crowd, those rumours you hear murmured in the school corridors have their origins in truth somewhere.

"Do you know why I chose the library? Not for the pay, not because I was already adept at arranging and cataloguing my own collection of books, and not even because of my passion for literature. No. It was because you can learn so much about a person from their book collection. I knew every single book in that collection and the identity of everyone who had ever withdrawn it. From this data, I could make certain inferences about their lifestyle and cross-reference with my own notes, creating a perfect profile. No secret can be withheld from me for long. Especially those of honest men like yourself…" I guess I always have been honest. Well, mostly. I only really tell little white lies. Like telling Hikari her singing was good. And yet still I miss her voice. A world without her… It's too much for me to bear at this hour. I think I've told Rin enough already, and she's probably not going to volunteer much else about herself.

"I should probably get going," I say, my voice catching in my throat as I awkwardly rise from the chair. Just as I'm opening the door to leave, I feel an icy hand grabbing my wrist.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Rin asks, slipping a long, slim cylindrical object into my hand. In my haste to leave, I completely forgot about the candle. I mutter something halfway between a thanks and an apology before leaving her room, standing once more in the dark, chilling corridors of Cresthaven Hospital. I finally have what I was after, but it doesn't exactly feel rewarding. Rin managed to wheedle the secret she wanted out of me. I don't know how much more I would have divulged, but I needed to escape. If only I could sleep, give my brain a chance to shut itself off and refresh itself. I need to distract myself.

I'm just about to turn the doorknob to my room when I hear something. Laughter, it sounds like. Usually I'd just shrug it off and ignore it, but not tonight. Where did it come from? I have my e-Handbook to hand so I can at least check where everybody else is. Seems like I'm the only one who isn't in their room. Someone must've left their door open. I patrol the corridors, acting as night watchman, scanning left and right for any sign of activity. All is quiet and as it should be until I come to Daisuke's room. Of course, now he thinks he's a god amongst men and is madly cackling to himself, all while leaving his door wide open. Screw reading, I need to have a serious talk with this guy about his harassment of Nanima.

I enter the room, and Deus doesn't even seem to notice me. From the light of my e-Handbook, the room itself is set out incredibly similarly to Rin's room, with a plethora of heavy-looking tomes stacked on shelves. One of the shelves is completely devoid of books, though, instead hosting a menagerie of intricately-crafted origami animals. When we all received our third motives, I saw him holding an origami crane, so someone at home must have made these. His fiancée, perhaps? I know I'd definitely build a shrine for the one I loved if I had anything left to do it with. What a lucky guy, to have someone like that waiting for him outside. A shame he has such an abhorrent second personality.

"You find yourself in the presence of a god!" Deus declares, having finally seen me looking around his room. "I demand a tribute! You there, crazy person! Show me what you've got!"

"It's a candle," I say, stepping forward to show him the object. "I'm borrowing it from Rin so I can read by its light."

"You can't borrow a candle, you absolute fool!" Deus says. "Yes, you can certainly have one, but you can't borrow it. Nobody wants to receive a burnt-out lump of wax! Gahahahaha!" The uproarious, maniacal laughter starts again.

"Yes, well, I didn't come here to discuss semantics," I say, cutting to the chase. I can't let this guy molest anyone else. This needs to stop now. "I know what you tried to do to Nanima. You might think you're some sort of god, but you're just a creep. Stay the fuck away from her or else…"

"Or else what? You'll kill me?" Deus asks, folding his arms and leering at me. "You are nothing, boy! You cannot kill an immortal being! And if you ever tried, I'd fill your head with all the knowledge of the cosmos and fry every neuron in your puny little brain until it dribbles out of your nose and ears! You'll be nothing but mush by the time I'm done with you!" Idle threats, the lot of them. I'm not afraid of this idiot. Look how weedy he is. If he wants a fight, I'll fucking give him one. I drop what I'm holding and dive across the table, scattering an array of papers that were neatly stacked upon it, aiming straight for his smug, stupid face. However, Deus anticipates this and leans back, grabbing hold of my wrist and twisting it painfully. Guess I'm still a bit slow.

"Now I shall squash you like the bug that you are!" Deus proclaims, dragging me to the floor and planting his foot on my chest. With my free arm, I swipe at his other leg, sweeping it out from beneath him and sending him crashing to the floor. He lets go of my arm, presumably shocked that I've managed to bring him down, and I'm able to clamber on top of him and restrain him.

"Are you gonna stop now?" I ask.

"NEVER!" he replies before one of his feet swings up and hits me right in the bollocks. Fuck, I didn't think about that. That's a low blow, even by his standards. I double over, writhing in pain, and he throws me off him before rising to his feet. "Don't you see? You could never hope to defeat a god in combat! It is literally impossible!"

"I'm… not done with you…" I gasp, but realistically, we both know that I am. I'm sorry, Nanima. I've let you down. This was a total disaster.

"By rights, I should obliterate you right now, but your pitiful existence does not warrant such attention!" the almighty Deus says as he stands over me. Perhaps there is something I can do to stop him…

"I have an idea," I say. "Why not go for Alicia instead? She'd be up for it."

"I see through your plan, fleshbag!" Deus says, kicking me again. "This is my domain, and I shall control all the women within its walls!" And I don't think any of them want anything to do with you. I swear, if this guy tries to do anything to Nayumi while she's sleeping… oh, who am I kidding? He'll just kick me in the balls again. I feel so powerless. I can't stop this madman. I couldn't stop Hikari from being killed, and I won't be able to prevent Deus from trying to rape the female students. On that note, I do have one question.

"How come you're only interested in the women? What's wrong with men?" I ask. Maybe I can convince him to go fuck himself.

"It's bad enough being inside this body," Deus says, shuddering with disgust. "The very idea of bedding another male, it's just revolting! Such an act would be sinful in the eyes of Deus!" Great, now he's a homophobe too? Every time I think Deus can't sink any lower, he somehow manages to find new depths.

"Does it really matter that much what mortals get up to?" I ask.

"N-no," Deus stammers, momentarily caught off guard by my line of questioning. "I could not care less about sweating, grunting, thrusting degenerates pleasuring one another! But such a sight burns the almighty eyes of Deus! Why else do you think this foolish body of mine requires glasses?" I thought it was just because he had bad eyesight, or maybe an attempt to look intelligent and dignified. Is Deus implying what I think he's implying?

"Are you saying Daisuke's watched gay men in the act?" I ask.

"By the mighty balls of Deus, he's got it!" the arrogant god replies, pointing a finger at me. "Didn't you know? Homosexuality is rampant in the aristocracy! Upper class families are so full of repressed homosexual urges, you can smell the testosterone from a mile away! Well, you can if you have an acute sense of smell like me! And let's not even get started on the incest…" I feel like at this point Deus is just saying the most disgusting things he can to try and rile me up. I'm not gonna bite. I sit and listen to him rant about aristocrats and all their filthy habits for a while, discovering hundreds of new fetishes I never even knew existed. I guess when you've got all the money in the world, you're gonna chase the raunchiest sort of excitement you can. Normal sex isn't gonna cut the mustard when you've got power and wealth. All the while, I lie there with a completely stoic expression on my face, refusing to crack.

"Goodness, look at the time!" Deus exclaims suddenly. At some point while he was telling me about some foreign dignitary and their debauched drunken antics, he picked up my e-handbook and started messing with it, all without breaking away from his anecdote. With his discovery that it is in fact very early in the morning, he drops the device in front of me before stepping over me and getting into bed. "My time in this body is limited. Too much exposure to my cosmic radiance would tear Daisuke Kobayashi apart and leave me without a corporeal form on this Earth, and we can't have that! I'd much rather avoid having to possess one of those ducks!"

"Sleep well, Deus," I say, scrambling to pick up both my e-handbook and the candle I dropped earlier. Thankfully it's not broken, and hopefully the wick inside has also stayed intact.

"I would say the same to you, but it would be an empty, meaningless gesture from an insincere god," Deus replies as his head hits the pillow and he immediately falls asleep. I sneak out of his room, being incredibly careful when closing his door. I'm not even sure how I'm meant to process that experience. I didn't even come close to getting Deus to change his ways, but fortunately, it sounds like he's going away and we'll have the more reasonable Daisuke back in the morning. Time to go back to my own room and read this book Rin's assigned us.

As I stand outside my door, I put my e-handbook away just for a moment and look up and down the empty, quiet corridors. Everything is completely dark. Monokuma said that when we hit a certain threshold, all the systems go down. Does that mean… the cameras? The monitors? What about the machine gun in the reception? If everything in the entire building is switched off, then that means we have a window in which we can all attempt to plan our escape from this place without him even knowing. If we presume that Monokuma is some sort of robot and that the way he appears and disappears at will is the work of some sort of contraption, then not only will we have a chance to form an escape plan, there won't be a thing he can do to stop us. I desperately want to wake everybody up and tell them about this, but we need to all be sharp and alert if we want to come up with something that'll work. Tomorrow, we'll plug everything in, run all the taps, and while we're plunged into darkness, we can begin to strategize and make our plan to return to the outside world.

A.N.: Well, uni's off to a slow enough start that I'm not completely swamped just yet, and as I've been making my way through DRv3 (up to chapter 4 right now), I've felt motivated to write another chapter. Hope everyone enjoys!