When I'm with you, the only place I want to be is closer. – Unknown
"Fi-in. Fi-in. Fi-in. Fi-in. Fi-in Fi-in Fi-in Fi-in" I whispered his name to the tune of the Jaws theme song while trailing my hand across the comforter. He didn't move, but I did here a muffled snicker from under the covers. Then, without warning, I thrust my hand under and grabbed him by the thigh, giving him a rough pinch. "Jaws attack!"
He's ticklish there, so he immediately squirmed away laughing. Finn's laughter is contagious, so I started giggling as well, flipping the blankets back so I could have a better idea of what I was doing.
It was a silly game, but it was more then that as well. Every time I touch Finn and he doesn't' flinch away, we're making progress. He's wanted to touch me over the clothes twice since the first time, but has still refused to let me return the favor. I don't want to do anything to force or pressure him, but I do want him to be used to non-sexual touches. I had progressed to moving high on his thighs and lower then his bellybutton, so I considered it a win.
I was also checking to make sure he was warmed up after a shower and spending some time under the comforter. He had held himself together much better after testifying yesterday then he had after I had done so, but he had still been over the top with energy, almost bouncing off the walls.
Even though it was only in the mid 70's outside, I finally broke down and begged Rachel to let us come over so he could go swimming. Two hours of his constant movement this morning had driven me absolutely crazy. He was miserable, but so keyed up that he was unable to stop and calm himself down.
Neither one of us would go in with him, so we chatted while he swum laps and turned somersaults underwater. Rachel watched him, her expression thoughtful. "I don't know how you deal with this. I couldn't do it."
"I don't have a choice. Neither does he. It's not like he's deliberately trying to drive us all crazy. Anyway, he's not like this all the time."
Finn hit the wall on the far side of the pool and turned back towards us. Rachel watched his body with an undeniable interest that made me want to choke her. That was my boyfriend that she was ogling.
She doesn't know that. Nobody outside your family knows that, so don't get bitchy. In her mind, he's a former boyfriend who could quite easily become the current boyfriend with a little coaxing.
I knew that, and that I was being unfair. Rachel had done everything that she could to make things easy for Finn, including giving up her usual vocal routines so we could come over and swim. "How's he doing, Kurt? I mean really."
I didn't even have to think about my answer. "Better. Way better today then a week ago. Once his testifying is done, I think he'll be better still. Of course, none of us are going to breathe easy until the trial is over and they go to jail, but Finn's improving all the time."
"I miss Puck more then I thought I would." She twirled a finger around her hair as she spoke. "I mean, he was never my friend. He was Finn's friend, and a member of the club, but that was it. I mean, it was less then six months that we were all together."
That wasn't possible. I counted back and realized that she was right. School started in September, and Glee in October. We got Finn at the end of that month, but we didn't get Puck until almost Thanksgiving. Puck had died in the middle of March. How could all of this have happened so quickly?
I missed Puck myself, but less for who he was, and more for the pain Finn was going through. Every time I saw Finn turn away from the pictures of them together, or, worse, study them with a strange intensity, it hurt on a visceral level. I had offered to put the pictures away until h was ready to see them again, but he had shaken his head. For good or for bad, he wanted those visual reminders.
"Yeah." I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I went with non-committal.
"People are talking about him, you know. After yesterday." It was what she had wanted to talk about all along, but had to work her way up to.
"I know." Of course I knew. It was on the front page of the paper this morning, in all the lurid detail. Dad had already disposed of it by the time Finn woke up, but my boyfriend had stubbornly fished it out of the bottom of the recycling bin when he thought no one was looking. I hadn't called him on it, and the paper was nowhere to be found when I looked for it later. "I think everyone knows."
"This is going to make things even harder for him. No one is going to know how to talk to him now."
What she meant was that she didn't know how to talk to him now. "Well, you and I are just going to have to remind them that Finn is the same today as he's always been. Ok, maybe not always, but since he's been back. This is only news to us."
"Did you know about it?" Her eyes bored into mine with an intensity that she usually saved for right before competitions.
I watched Finn dive to the bottom of the pool, following his form until I couldn't see it any more. He had to be aware that we were talking about him, even if our voices didn't carry. But he let it go on. Maybe he considered us both family and genuinely didn't mind, or maybe he was hoping that I would take care of this part for him. "Some of it. He told me a lot, but he left out a lot of the details, too."
"So did the paper. They didn't….they charged both of them with rape, didn't they? Him and her? The paper didn't say so, but I heard it on the news." She didn't look at either one of us when she spoke.
I hated to violate Finn's privacy, but the truth was that he didn't really have any. If I didn't tell Rachel, there would be dozens of other people who would. "Yes. They charged both of them."
Her eyes squeezed shut. "Poor Finn. He's lucky to have you, Kurt."
Was he? I did what I could for him, and so did everyone else in the family, but we were doing no more then any other family would for someone they loved. Finn was an incredibly special person to have, which made us the lucky ones. Me especially.
And just why is it that you're lucky enough to have Finn, Kurt? Have you ever thought about that?
Daily. In my darker moments, I had to acknowledge that the only reason I had Finn now was because of his kidnapping. If it had never happened, he wouldn't have given me a second look. I would just be his new brother, if I was even worth that to him. It hurt to know that I had benefited from his suffering. He never brought it up or seemed to hold it against me, but I can't help but wonder if it's one of the reasons that he's so hesitant to move our relationship forward. "I'm the lucky one."
"He's….Finn's got a way of getting your heart and never getting it back, doesn't he? Quinn can't let him go, and neither can we. Someone's is going to be the luckiest person in the world to get to keep him forever." She still didn't look at me directly, though I noticed she was peeking through her lashes.
What in the world did she mean by that? Before I could ask her, she looked past me and into the pool. "Finn! Your lips are blue! Get out of that pool before you freeze to death."
He gave her a dirty look, but hopped out. "I'm not that cold, really."
This was the thing that Rachel never got about Finn, and why their dating hadn't worked out. She shouted orders at him like a drill sergeant, which naturally made him defensive and argumentative. For someone who hates confrontation, Finn hates being bossed around even more, especially now.
That said, his lips did have a purplish cast to then, and, now that he was out of the water, I could see a slight shiver as well. He needed to be out of the pool and into some dry clothing. But she could have just asked him to come over and sit with us, or if he wanted something to drink. Once he was out, he would quickly lose interest in going back in. That would have taken care of the problem quickly and without anyone getting an attitude.
I stepped in before it could become an argument. "If you aren't cold now, you will be now that you're out of the water. Besides, you're dripping. Why don't you run inside and get dressed, then sit down and grab some cookies."
He might be irritated with Rachel herself, but Finn will never turn down her special lemonade cookies. He nodded and bounced off. Rachel sighed. "Why doesn't he listen to me like that?"
Maybe because he wasn't a dog to be ordered around. I wasn't going to say that to her, though. Finn had chosen me, yes, but I wasn't secure enough to give Rachel Berry any leverage. I loved him, but I didn't fully trust the he wouldn't dump me the second a better offer came along.
Finn was uncharacteristically quiet when he came back, and only ate a dozen cookies, instead of the entire rest of the tray. I scratched his shoulder. "You tired, Cowboy?"
He shrugged, but I could read the truth in his eyes, and so could Rachel. But exhaustion was better then him bouncing off the walls. For once in her life, Rachel took the hint. "Well, as much as I hate to throw you two out, it takes at least three hours of practice a night to keep my voice in top shape. I want to win Nationals this year, and we aren't going to even qualify without a female lead."
"Ok." Finn knew that he was being manipulated, but he was too tired to raise a fuss about it. "I'll see you whenever. I go back on the stand Monday, and then I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe I'll be back in Glee Tuesday, and maybe not. It's just kind of whatever."
"We'll work around it. I'll email you the songs we're doing, and you and Kurt can work on them at home. Once you're solid, I'll come over and we'll work together. Don't worry about any of it."
Hope dawned in his eyes. "You won't give my parts to Sam?"
"Of course not. You're our leading man, Finn; and no one else can come close to that. We're not going to replace you with anyone."
I hadn't even known that he was worried about that. Finn had seemed to accept Sam without a second thought. Sam was friendly and likable and seemed to have bonded quickly with everyone in the group. He made it to every practice, and hung out with us at school, even standing up for us when we were getting harassed. He had taken over Finn's spot in everything else, so why wouldn't he expect that Sam would get his solos as well?
"I don't mind sharing with him. Or Artie, or Matt, or Mike. I especially don't mind sharing with Kurt. But I don't want him to get all the solos."
It would have been nice if Rachel had gotten a clue and offered to share her solos as well, but that might be expecting a bit much of her. At least she was making some effort to console Finn. "You still have the solo during Sectionals, ok? No one is going to take that away from you."
That had worked and he gave us both a million dollar smile. "Cool. I wasn't really that worried about it. Can Kurt and I take some of the cookies home with us?"
I don't even know why Finn bothers to try and lie, since he's so terrible at it, but, like a lot of Finn's traits, it's oddly endearing. Rachel grabbed the tray. "Of course. I baked these for the Glee Club, but since half of them are eaten any way, you can take the rest of them. Just let me wrap them up for you."
As soon as she stepped into the house, Finn had to lean over and kiss me. I pushed him back. "Stop it. What are you going to say if Rachel sees us?"
"Brothers kiss." His eyes were dancing at me.
"Not with tongue! At least not in Ohio."
He was saved from having to reply by Rachel coming back with a prettily wrapped tray. How is it that the girl can present a tray of baked goods in a way that would make Martha Stewart fall to her knees, but still thinks that it's appropriate for a teenaged girl to wear shirt with a cartoon goldfish on it? She handed me the cookies and pulled Finn close to kiss his cheek. "I'm glad you came over to visit today, Finn. Stay focused up there, and don't worry about the Glee club. No matter what, we'll all stand behind you."
"Thanks, Rach." He gave her a funny half smile that made me feel a little out of the loop. The two of them were having a conversation that had nothing to do with me or the cookies. I know that Finn talks to Rachel on the phone sometimes, but I always make sure to give him his privacy.
Which brought me back to now, with Finn laughing and acting like nothing had ever happened. If I didn't know better, I would have said that we were just a normal family.
At least until Finn pulled me down and kissed me hard, his body moving over mine. There was no mistaking his intent, and my breath caught. "Are you sure?"
Of course he was. Finn did nothing without being sure of it. No matter how foolish, he was always sure of himself for that one shining moment. My body knew it, and my dick jumped up. He noticed and immediately reached out for it. Then he abruptly pulled back. "Can I see?"
"Can you what?" I had gotten it the first time, but I was so shocked that I had to ask.
He hooked his fingers into the waistband of my pants but stopped there. "Can you take off your pants so I can see you?"
I was still in shock. "You want to see my…uh…."
"It's called a cock." There was nothing mocking in his voice. It was like he genuinely thought that I didn't know.
I would have preferred he call it something less crude, but I couldn't focus on that at the minute. I had to be sure. "You want me to take my pants off?"
"Yeah." His head turned slightly to the side. "You don't have to. I mean, if you don't want to."
It wasn't that I didn't want to, or that I thought he would do anything to injure me, because I didn't. It was more that…well, I was kind of scrawny. I had seen Finn's body, once in the house and several times in the locker rooms, and when I compared it to mine the results weren't exactly flattering.
You really are the ultimate wuss. The man of your dreams just offered to jerk you off, and you're doing anything besides ripping you pants off right now? What is the matter with you?
Well, when the voice put it that way…I nodded and stood up. Finn's stormy eyes made me feel a little like a stripper about to put on as show, but there wasn't any other way to do this. I pulled my shirt over my head and folded it neatly on the chair. His eyes swept up, then back down to my groin. Yeah, there was no dissuading Finn Hudson when he got his mind set on something. With a deep sigh, I dropped my pants.
Finn gave me his patented goofy grin. "Going commando, Kurt? Hot."
I was going commando because any sort of underwear would show under pants this tight. But he was clearly impressed with what he saw, which gave me a surge of confidence. Not enough confidence that I didn't scramble under the covers as quickly as possible, but enough that I didn't flinch away when he reached for me. We both stared as he traced one finger across my collarbones. "You're really hot. Better then hot. Gorgeous."
See? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Being called 'gorgeous' had its desired effect, and I felt my body relax. Well, most of it relaxed. At least one part wasn't going down any time soon. But I w as still afraid to have Finn actually touch me.
He noticed and moved his hands off of my body. "I won't hurt you. If you're scared, we don't have to."
I appreciated the way he was offering me the choice that no one had given him. "No, I want to. I'm just nervous."
"You can say stop and I will. I promise."
This time I didn't flinch when he drew a line down my chest and stomach. His finger almost touched me where I wanted, but then he turned and moved back up. I groaned in frustration. What had happened to the Finn Hudson who would have just grabbed a hold of my junk and just gotten right to business? "Finn, please."
"Ok. I just wanted you to be ready." This time when he brought his hand down, he wrapped it firmly around my cock and stroked. "Like this?"
No matter how many times I touched myself, it was nothing compared to having Finn do it. His hands were bigger then mine, and rougher, since he consistently refused to moisturize like I told him to.
He wanted me to think? I tried to make my mouth work. "Yes. Oh, god, yes."
"Good." His hand moved slowly, then faster, then slowly again. He seemed to know exactly what he was doing. "This is good."
'Good' was an understatement. This was like having a 95% off sale at Prada and getting a new car and getting a solo at Nationals all at once. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him down on top of me, just so I could kiss him and touch more of his body.
He lightly bit my lip, his hand never stopping. I could feel the pressure building already, and knew that this wasn't going to last at all. But it felt so good that I didn't even care.
As lost as I was in the moment, though, I made myself give Finn a quick once over. His pupils were blown, but this time it was due to arousal instead of fear. There was also the not so small matter of what I could feel pressed against my hip. I took a deep breath and gently pushed his own words back at him. "Can I? Touch you, I mean."
He froze and his hand tightened. Not enough for it to actually hurt, but enough that I definitely felt it. "Um…"
"Only if you want to. We could even do it like you did to me before." I kept my hands in his line of vision and off of his body. This decision was his and his alone.
After what felt like forever, he nodded. "Ok, yeah. But let me do what I'm doing first."
A man who was not only concerned with my pleasure, but actually seemed to be more concerned then he was with his own? How in the world had I managed to get so lucky?
I nodded at him and he began moving his hand again. His hands were gentle but sure, moving fast then slow until I saw nothing but a too bright blur. Still, it wasn't enough. I could barely breathe enough to get the words out, but I tried. "Finn, please."
Even though I had no idea what I was asking for, Finn did. He didn't stop his hand, but he leaned down and kissed me again. It wasn't a hard and dirty kiss like I would have expected. This was incredibly gentle, as soft as snowflakes falling against my lips. The intimacy of the moment took my breath away, and was enough to push me over the edge.
Never in my life had I experienced anything quite like this. I literally saw stars, bright pinpricks of light that took over the entire room. My body jerked as I shot all over his hand and my T-shirt, which I had never taken off. Finn slowed his hand to almost nothing, milking out the last of it.
His expression was charmingly focused, like he was seeing something he hadn't seen a thousand times before. I fisted my hand in his T-shirt, suddenly afraid that what he had done would come crashing down on him and he would bolt.
It didn't turn out to be a concern. Finn gave a heavy sigh and buried his face in my neck, snuggling as close as he could get. I wrapped an arm around his back, trying to hold him even closer. Tears were threatening, even though I had no idea why.
"That was good, right?" The words were mumbled into my skin. "It was ok and I didn't hurt you?"
I kissed his neck, still teary over the almost unbearable sweetness of it all. "It was good. Perfect."
"Good. Good." He nodded, but it was unsure, as if he didn't quite believe me. "It was good."
Kurt? Aren't you forgetting something? Or someone? Come on now, you made a little promise to Finn a few minutes ago.
It might have been the endorphins still flowing through my body, but I had a sudden surge of courage and pushed up. Finn rocked back and stared curiously at me, his face a giant question mark. I reached for him. "Are you ready for this?"
My voice seemed obscenely loud in the basement, even though I wasn't speaking much above a whisper. Finn nodded, though he was starting to look a little green. I waited a minute more, just so he could give me the verbal confirmation. "Yeah."
There had been a part of me that was almost hoping he would back out. It was selfish and I knew it, but I was almost as nervous as he was. Finn had been touched before, enough to know what he did and didn't like. What if I messed up and it wasn't good for him? What if I couldn't even please him sexually? Or, worse, what if I just retraumatized him?
You worry way too much. Anything you do to Finn is going to be better then what he's experienced in the past. Just watch his cues and don't make too many sudden movements. This is really depending on you.
Ok, so no pressure. Great. I started to move, then froze, then started to move again. Finn cracked up. "Kurt, I think you're more nervous then I am. And that's kind of saying a lot." He leaned down and gave me a kiss. "This is supposed to be fun."
His laughing broke some of the tension and helped me relax, which helped Finn relax, too. I kissed him again on the nose, just so I could see his eyes cross as he tried to keep tracking me. My hands trembled as they rested on his shoulders, but I moved forward, sliding them down over his ribs and to his hips. This was it, the moment of truth. I kept my eyes locked with his, both to keep the connection between us and to watch him for any signs of distress. And maybe just a tiny bit because I was afraid to look at what I was doing.
Ever so slowly, I ran my hand around his hip and to the front of his pajama pants. They were a thin material, and I knew for a fact that he didn't have anything on underneath them (he's convinced that things need to air out or something like that. Something that definitely makes zero sense), so it wasn't hard to feel, well, everything.
I've never touched a penis that wasn't attached to my body, the sensation made us both jump. Finn jerked, but didn't pull away. I kissed his jaw. "Ok?"
"Mmm-hmm." He was breathing rapidly through his nose, making no other noise. "Keep going."
His wish was my command. I stroked him as best as I could while still keeping a layer cloth between us. It was already damp with precum, which made things easier. More then two years of fantasizing, and I was finally getting to touch him. To my surprise, I felt my own dick jump a little. Really? Was that thing never satisfied?
For the first time, Finn moaned. It was a tiny sound, but it was enough to encourage what I was doing. His eyes fluttered closed, but one hand reached up and took my free one. I squeezed lightly, adjusting my angle and making him gasp again. His hips rocked up to meet my hand, begging silently for more contact. I desperately wanted to see all of him, the way he had looked at me, but I had to hold back. I had seen his penis before, but never hard, and I couldn't deny my curiosity.
"Close." The word was gasped out.
"That's ok." I pressed harder against him, trying to push him over the edge. His shirt had ridden up, and I could see his stomach jerking as he tried to catch his breath. "You do what you need to. Any time, Sweetie."
It was like he had been waiting for my permission, because his back bowed up the minute I spoke, and his body stiffened. His cock jerked under my hand and his breathing stopped. I kept rubbing, feeling the wetness come through with each shot. His hand clenched at mine and he whimpered under his breath.
It must have been a full 30 seconds before his orgasm subsided, and even then, his body gave little jerks as he calmed down. I know that he's a big guy, but I had to be impressed by the amount of semen he had managed to produce.
Yes, dear, you managed to get him off in a rather spectacular way. Don't get too smug about it. On second thought, that was pretty impressive.
Finn moved his hand to tug at my shirt. "Kiss?" His voice was hoarse.
I always had a kiss for him. "Of course." I rested a hand on his chest, feeling his heart gradually slow down to a normal pace. Now that the heat of the moment had passed, we were both a little embarrassed and unsure.
Finn turned his head away from me and shivered a little. It always worries me when he does things like this, because I don't know how to react. Was he trying to pull back because had hurt or scared him? Was he stuck in a loop of imagining what the Wrights had done to him? Or was he just a little bit shy because it was the first time he had done something like this with me. I stroked his hair. "Cowboy?"
He didn't turn, but he didn't tense either. "I like that name."
That told me exactly nothing. "Are you doing ok?"
"Yeah." This time he did roll over and grin at me. "I'm ok. It's just kind of..." He trailed off and shrugged.
"Overwhelming?"
"Yeah. Good overwhelming, though, not bad." He sat up and stretched. "Also, sticky."
Finn's usually at his most humorous when he doesn't intend to be funny at all, and the grossed out expression on his face made me laugh. He rolled out of bed and stripped, throwing the soiled bottoms in the hamper. Even though he was no longer hard, I still had to sneak a peek.
Sadly, he did have to put a fresh pair on before he would climb back into bed with me. Once he had, he blushed again and ducked his head. "So...uh...that was kind of cool, right? It was good for you and you had fun?"
"It was wonderful for me. Perfect." I rubbed his shoulder. "You couldn't have been any better."
He visibly relaxed. "Good. Because I've never done it all the way like that before. Well, except when I'm jerking myself off. But never all the way with another person."
I didn't want to bring Joseph into this, but Finn so seldom gave me an opening like this that I knew he wanted me to ask. "Never with Joseph?"
"Uh-uh. Sometime it would start out that way, but he always fucked me or made me suck him off before it was over. This was different."
I felt obscenely pleased about that. Yes, Finn had been with other people, some by choice and some not, but there was still something, no matter how small, that we had done for the first time together. As I had the thought, Finn poked at my shoulder. "I'm glad that I got to do that with you. I don't have any other firsts to give you, but I can give you that."
Immediately, I felt guilty for having the exact same thought. "All you have to give me is yourself. If you do that voluntarily, nothing else matters."
He nodded, but it was an unsure one. In Finn's mind, he was damaged goods with nothing to offer. I was the one making all the sacrifices to be with him. I wanted to reassure him again, but now wasn't the time. Finn needs time to think things over, and pushing him never worked.
So I wasn't surprised when he changed the subject. "Are you mad at me because of what I said up on the stand?"
What had he said on the stand? I mentally reran everything he had said, trying to figure out what the upsetting part could have been. There was nothing. "What do you mean?"
"Well, because I lied to you. Well, not lied lied, but I didn't tell you all the truth about everything. What really happened was a lot worse then what I told you." His brow furrowed with worry. "Are you mad about that?"
Hearing him describe he abuses the Wrights have visited on him had been like having my heart ripped out. I had thought that it couldn't get much worse then what he had told me in private, but once he was on the stand and under oath, the real truth had come out, and it had been much more terrible then I was expecting. "No, I'm not mad. It makes me sad, but not angry."
"Good. As long as you're not mad, I can put up with the rest of the bullshit. Our family has to stick together."
We really were a family now. Not a traditional one, but a family none the less. "We will."
"Are you going to be there when I get back on the stand? You'll be in the same place with Burt and Mom?"
Again with the reassurance. "Yes."
"Good." He gave a huge yawn. "What are we having for dinner?"
He had already eaten a huge lunch and at least one tray of cookies. Yet he never really seemed to gain weight. If I could figure out Finn Hudson's secret, I would be a millionaire before I was 25. "Chicken with herbs, bread, and a veggie platter. Fruit and yogurt for dessert."
"Awesome." His head cocked and he stared at me for a minute. "What we did a few minutes ago? That was awesome, too. I knew that it would be different with you."
It wasn't a declaration of love, but it was close. Closer then I thought I would get this time last year, or even last month. "I'm glad."
"Oh, and we can do it again really soon. Not right now, because I'm tired and it's almost time to eat, but maybe after dinner. Or tomorrow. Soon, I promise." He squinted. "Did that sound kind of stupid? Because I wanted it to be all romantic and sexy."
It had been a little of both, but I was alright with that. "It was very romantic. You're quite the gentleman when you put your mind to it. Now why don't you try and take a quick nap? Dinner isn't for an hour and I'll set the table for you."
Even though he's not waking up at night very often, Finn was restless last night, and I couldn't even imagine how many miles he had swum today over at Rachel's. His eyes looked droopy and shadowed, and he snuggled down without a fight. I rubbed his back for a few minutes, and his eyes closed. Hopefully this would help a bit.
I had promised to do his assigned chore of setting the table, but I didn't want to leave him. Even though I slept with him almost every night, this was different and special because of what we had just done. I leaned down to whisper in his ear. "I love you, Finn. I know that you don't love me back, at least not yet, but you will. And I'm willing to wait until you do."
The corners of his mouth quirked up, I felt my face get hot. "Finn, are you awake?"
"Yep." One eye cracked open and studied me. "Why are you embarrassed? I know that you love me. It's a good thing."
"I...that doesn't scare you?" That wasn't what I wanted to ask, but I couldn't put into words what I did want to say.
"Uh-uh. It would be a pretty stupid relationship between us if we didn't love each other, wouldn't it?"
Again, so close to him telling me that he loved me back. "I guess it would. Now go to sleep this time before standing up and leaving the basement. What had just happened hadn't changed anything in the larger world. Finn was still going to have to get up on the stand, where he was going to get ripped to pieces by the defense. We were no closer to a conviction then we had been this morning. Finn had yet to go to school, where the student body was going to be far crueler then the lawyers ever dreamed of being. In the big picture, we had done nothing.
But when it came to the relationship between Finn and I? This was everything.
