A/N: I just gotta say TDCSI cracks me up. She read my last chapter and commented, "Great as always. So who's gonna screw shit up?" Nice!
I thought it was about time House and Cuddy began talking some of the things that haunt him. He wants to change, it isn't easy but he's got to start somewhere. Hopefully his attempts at opening up will spur her on as well.
And now let us continue with House and Cuddy's journey. Arlene and Rachel have gone to bed and it's time for House and Cuddy to talk.
House looked over at Cuddy, put down his journal and removed his glasses, setting them on the nightstand. He sighed and rubbed his right leg.
"Does it hurt that bad?"
"Actually it's pretty manageable right now. The long drive aggravated it."
"You should have flown."
"Do you know what a round trip first class ticket costs these days?" He asked sarcastically.
"Seriously? Quit bitching, I know what you earn," she said knowingly.
"Geez, you sound just like Wilson."
"Do you want me to massage it for you?" She nodded towards his leg.
"It's okay, thanks." He fidgeted with the comforter a bit, trying to determine where he should begin. He inhaled deeply then let it out slowly. It was time to talk about this before he lost his nerve. "A few years ago you told me that everything I've ever done is to avoid pain. You said the drugs, sarcasm and deflection, were my way of keeping people at arm's length so I wouldn't get hurt."
"The night I ended it." She said in a near whisper, recalling the moment she said those fateful words to him. The thought of the pain they both felt that night sent a shiver up and down her spine.
"You were right."
"I wish I hadn't been."
"There are things I want to put behind me but it's been difficult."
"Like what?"
He hesitated a moment. "My dad," he said. "I've been having these dreams lately about him."
"If you want to talk about it, I'll listen."
"There's a lot I never told you. We were together almost a year and known each other forever and still you know so little about the things I'm dealing with."
"I wanted you to let me in."
"But I didn't."
"You were afraid."
House nodded.
Cuddy reached over and gently grasped his hand in hers. "House, you can trust me."
"I told you that he was not my biological father but I never told you the things that went on between us."
Cuddy squeezed his hand as a sign to continue.
"When I was just a kid, I remember some good times but dad was moody and he'd come home from work or deployment tired and take it out on me. One moment we could be going out for ice cream, just the two of us and having fun and the next he'd be punishing me with ice baths and yelling at me about how I had to learn to be tough if I wanted to be a Marine."
"Ice baths?" Cuddy was mortified.
"Yeah," he said as he looked down in his lap, he didn't want to look in her eyes, afraid of the pity that might be there. "He also took to locking me outside on cold nights if I came home after curfew. He threatened to do it again if I told mom. He'd let me in early the next morning before mom woke up and make me go to my room and get into my pajamas so she never knew. He said he did all that shit to toughen me up, show me how to be a man."
"A man?" It came out louder than she intended. Much more softly she added, "For God's sake, you were just a child."
"He believed in starting young. See, John House didn't believe grown men should cry or show that they are in pain. I twisted my ankle playing ball in the street and he made me walk on it without crutches, I broke a rib playing football and he wouldn't let me get it taped up. He was so determined that I not show any signs of weakness. I just learned to hide my pain."
Cuddy cringed. She knew all too well how good he was at hiding his pain. She also knew from little things House and Wilson had said over the years that House's dad was hard on him but she never realized the extent of it.
"Did he know that you knew he wasn't your biological father?"
"He did eventually. I don't remember when I started thinking we weren't related. I know I'd hoped it. At some point in time I began noticing the traits and characteristics that separated us and I just had this feeling, I can't explain it, but things started to just come together and make sense. When I was twelve, around the time school ended and summer began I'd been making plans with friends to go camping. We were going to ride our bikes about twenty miles or so to the lake in the middle of these woods. All the dads had given permission…except mine. He said I needed to work around the house, not go off with my friends. He made sure of it too. The next morning, I got up early to ride my bike and it was gone. Mom told me he'd gotten rid of it and there was nothing she could do. We got into an argument over it and he smacked me good and told me not to raise my voice to him. Then I told him, just like that. I told him that he had no right to tell me what to do because he wasn't even my real father. I told him I was glad too. Then he called me ungrateful and sent me to my room. He took away all my stuff…books, games, sporting equipment, and the old guitar one of his buddies had given me. My room was bare, just my bed, dresser and clothes."
"So what did you do all summer?"
"He slid a note under my bedroom door every morning with my list of chores. He was a military man, so there was no shortage of things to be done. It was constant physical labor inside and outside of the house and in the yard all day long, all summer."
"All summer?"
"Yep. I was working while my friends had fun. Dad wasn't deployed that summer so he was home every night except if he had duty so he'd check up on my work. If it wasn't perfect, he'd make me do it all over again."
"Oh, House. Where was your mom during all of this?"
"For years, she stood up for me when she could but she couldn't be there every minute. She was really involved in her women's groups, wives clubs and that sort of thing. An officer's wife had certain duties and responsibilities."
Cuddy nodded her head. "I just don't understand how she loved him with the way he treated you. I can't imagine loving any man who would treat Rachel like that."
He shrugged his shoulders. "I can't answer that. She told me recently that she saw the good that was in him, and that she loved him but that she knew he was a son of a bitch. She has a lot of regrets about not doing more to protect me. Mom grew up in a different time; women didn't leave their husbands, especially when they had kids. She never gave up hope that he could change but eventually she had to come to terms with the fact that we would never make up. At the funeral, she told me that the war was over."
"Would you have wanted to make up?"
House pondered carefully before answering. "I don't know. I hated him for what he did to me but when I remember the few good times I feel guilty about hating him. I'm not sure how to feel sometimes."
"Have you been able to talk about this with Nolan during your sessions?"
"Yeah. It's helped but I needed to talk about it with you. More than anyone, you're the person who deserves to know the truth."
Cuddy crossed her legs in front of her, took her hand from his, and bent forward with her elbows resting on her knees and her head in her hands. She spoke with a slightly angry, shaky voice. "When they visited you in the hospital after the surgery, your dad was so rude to you; I just had no idea that was who he was, I thought…maybe he was just upset over what happened." She took a deep breath, her face remained hidden in her hands. "But then they visited a few times after that and he was still the same. He'd put you down and I figured maybe he was just…that there was something unresolved between you two." She paused again before she continued. "I had no idea what really happened, but it all makes sense now. The way he mocked you for your disability, belittled you for every little thing and chastised you for not being tough. He never stopped putting you down did he? Jesus House, I never should have drugged you and made you go to that bastard's funeral had I known. How could your mom want you to give his eulogy knowing what he did to you?"
House could hear the anger and sadness in her voice. "Cuddy, let it go. Don't be angry at her."
Cuddy smiled faintly. "I can't help it. If I was married to a man who did that to Rachel, I couldn't stay with him."
"When you love someone you put up with all kinds of shit."
"You are nothing like him," she insisted.
"I never physically hurt you but I hurt you in other ways. I tore you down and mocked you. I embarrassed you in front of your colleagues and family. How is that so different?"
"It just is," she replied adamantly. She was determined to make him see he was not his father.
"Cuddy," he said as he leaned toward her, "I spent so many years insisting that I would never be like him, but in some ways, I did become him. I was a lonely, bitter man. The difference is that I finally realized I can change and I don't want to be like that anymore."
At that moment they smiled at one another. The need for physical contact was great. He opened his arms and she scooted over and rested her back up against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her as they relaxed against one another comfortably. It felt completely right.
Cuddy sighed loudly. "Don't you wish we could have talked about these things years ago? Just imagine all the hell we wouldn't have had to endure."
House didn't reply. Instead, he just rested his chin on top of her head. He closed his eyes and relished the feel of her in his arms. At the same time, Cuddy was completely relaxed, smiling as she closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth and security of being wrapped in his arms. For a few minutes they lay content like that. It was House who broke the silence.
"Hey, do you remember the night the hospital presented you with that award?" He asked softly. Cuddy nodded her head in affirmation. How could she forget the words he'd spoken just before he fell asleep with his head in her lap?
"Well, the next morning after I woke up and realized what I'd said and done, I wanted to finally tell you the truth…about a lot of things, including my relationship with my dad. I thought if I did, it would help you understand me a little better and it would show you I wanted to let you in. I wanted to prove to you that I really wanted to make it work between us. That morning, I'd planned to tell you—"
"—that was the morning I found blood in my urine. Oh, House," she replied. "I'm so sorry."
"Cuddy, there's nothing to apologize for. You deserved to know that I really had wanted to let you in."
"So much happened and it felt like the days just ran together. Now it all seems like a blur, except for the parts that really hurt. I wish we could have trusted each other more."
He gently rubbed her arms. "It's the fear of the unknown, Cuddy. We were both scared. All my life I never trusted easily and when things got tough for me, I just closed myself off, it kept me from being hurt or disappointed. I wish I could say it'll be this easy for me to talk to you but it won't. It's just hard unlearning a lifetime of behavior."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes. I always did, to a point. I mean, we had a history and that meant something to me. You knew me longer and better than anyone else but there were limits. I couldn't let myself trust you completely because I worried that if you knew everything, you'd run and I couldn't risk losing you completely. I had so much baggage, I wasn't sure you could handle it."
"We all have baggage. You really thought that knowing the truth would change how I felt about you?"
"Wouldn't it?"
Cuddy bit her bottom lip and thought about it. With complete sincerity, she replied, "I don't think so. If anything I think I would have been glad that you opened up to me. All I ever wanted was for you to trust me, let me into your life completely."
"Cuddy I've been alone my whole life, I'm used to counting on me, no one else."
"Self-preservation. We both know an awful lot about that."
House laughed as he ran the fingers of one hand through her hair. "God Cuddy, we're so fucked up."
Cuddy looked up at him. "What's this we stuff?" She chuckled and conceded, "Okay, you're right. I suppose even though we're older now, what happened to us when we were younger still impacts us."
"It does, to a point but who I am is not all my dad's fault; I had a lot to do with it too."
"I remember when we were in college. You were guarded but you were so…lighthearted, you were fun. You were an ass even then but you laughed all the time. Then after your leg…you were angry and depressed. You closed yourself off from the people who cared about you. I always thought it was all because of your leg. I kept telling myself if you could do something about the leg and the pain, you wouldn't need the pills anymore and then you would be okay. I was wrong. You could have cut your leg off and this albatross would still be around your neck."
"I've never known how to deal with it."
"House, have you ever felt you were deserving of love and happiness? Ever? Was it like this with Stacy too? The doubts and the fear?"
"They were there. I just didn't have the leg to blame it on, at least before the infarction. I look back and I realize that Stacy and I never talked about this stuff, in fact she was just as guarded as I was. It's kind of funny actually...before I was crippled people thought I was just an asshole because that's who I was. After I was crippled, everyone blamed it on the leg. That made it even easier for me."
"As long as I've known you, you have always thought so highly of yourself as a doctor. You pride yourself in doing the near-impossible but as a person you have never felt that same value and pride. House, you should believe in yourself, you're so much more than you know. You are such an amazing person." She looked at him with sincere and honest eyes, silently pleading with him to believe her.
"I've never had a reason to think of myself that way."
"You do now. I wish we hadn't wasted all those years playing stupid games, building walls, keeping our distance from one another. And yes, we both did that, it wasn't just you. We wasted so much time when we could have been busy building something. Think of the life we could have had together." Her voice shook and she began to cry.
House sighed. It broke his heart to see her cry. Held her tight and whispered in her ear. "It's okay, don't cry."
"I can't help it," she sobbed. "If your father wasn't already dead, I'd fucking kill him."
"That's my girl." He smiled and kissed her hair. He secretly loved protective Cuddy.
"You deserved better."
"I know."
"So what do we do now?" She turned in his arms and faced him. She had stopped crying but her eyes were red and puffy.
With his finger, House gently wiped the lone remaining tear that made its way down her cheek. He looked down at her and with one hand he pushed the hair that had fallen over one eye back behind her ear as he answered her. "We do what we're doing now. We talk."
Cuddy reached up and put her hand on his cheek, gently rubbing his stubble. He leaned into her touch, closing his eyes, his lips parting just a little. When he opened them, he found her beautiful gray eyes looking at him. Both seemed to want to say something but neither knew exactly what to say. Slowly and deliberately, House lowered his head, his lips barely grazed hers. Gently his tongue traced her bottom lip. Cuddy parted her lips slightly and joined her mouth to his. Time seemed to stand still and it was as if it were the first time all over again, just as it had been that first time in Michigan. For two people whose physical relationship in the past had been so torrid and demanding, in this moment they took their time, savoring the feelings of joy and contentment that flowed through them. House moaned at the pure pleasure he felt as Cuddy ran her fingers through his hair, scratching his nape with her nails. Cuddy let herself go as House pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arms around her and caressing her back as they kissed. In her arms, House felt loved and in his arms, Cuddy felt safe. Minutes later, they reluctantly pulled away from their kiss out of a desperate need for air. Their faces were flushed, their hair mussed, and they were slightly breathless.
"Cuddy?"
"Yeah."
"I've missed this."
"Me too." She breathed a sigh and snuggled into his chest. "House?"
"Hmm," he replied, in a state of complete and total bliss.
"I don't want to know what it's like to be without you ever again."
Well, there you go. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I love the conversations they have, don't you? I love how two such screwed up people are doing what it takes to make it work this time. They are learning to set aside their fears and trust. They are learning that unconditional love is accepting a person for who they are and in tough times, instead of running for cover away from one another, they join forces and face their fears together.
I'm already working on Chapter 54. I love you guys! Don't forget to leave a comment on the way out!
